I found it over- wordy. Drop a few of the "extras" --
He tells me I have to play the cards that I'm dealt with:
Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds
are what itthey seems they should be, but it seems like the lone joker is the one that's for me.
You have a great idea with this, it just need a little focus and polish.
I enjoyed this story. An eerie tale of a couple and a family portrait.
You focused my attention away from the painting and pointed on the family situation. By doing this you drew my attention away from the "old painting" as the only cause.
Brenda's burning of the painting -- didn't describe any supernatural occurrence as Brenda burned the painting, this gave me the impression she could have been wrong about the portrait.
The added a sinister feel of a family member connection with "The phone call" tied the ending and gave a conclusion with room to expand the tale.
This was a good flash fiction with a nice twist at the end. You didn't give away the ending - it was a surprise to me. I liked.
You brought the character to life with the emotions of a jealous house mate, and then stuck an ending that tied right in with the piece. Very well done. I enjoyed the read.
This is a great piece of imagery. The questions of life and your personal answers expressed in lovely verse. I enjoyed this I had to read it twice, I didn't see any errors and the verse flowed well.
favorite verse:
I arise from the bed and smell the coffee being brewed in my kitchen.
I pour myself a cup of coffee and go join my bird friends at the window.
Always a good start to a new day of everyday miracles
I enjoyed this. Well written!! The dark ending was the clincher. And how close you are to relationships and our unending perseverance to continue. Peer pressure, family pressure all adds to the decision-- even when it may not be in our best interest.
This is fantastic. It was such an easy read. The tempo is almost perfect. Sort of a speech, rant and plea mixed Prose.
My favorite passage:
've wanted to hate you, but not really. All I hate is what wants to hurt hearth and home. You're ate up convicted and convinced I'm bent and broken into pound the wall shake your head disappointed sighs. But for the instinct, you may have missed the eyes, the sad goodbyes, the I STILL love you cries.
I really enjoyed the passion the write produced. It is strong but also contradicts with a soft grace. Each word is chosen well and moves flawless toward the final stanza.
So well done!!!
Write ON!
I like this piece. It is understated, but says an abundance. "Life choices and the way we interpret our own feelings and desires." We often choose what we feel is a quick fix.
The daily excuses of : Oh I don't want to bother anyone. I'll just eat this ice cream bucket.
When we should "Share the ice cream bucket" with a friend who may also benefit from the outreach of friendship.. and suffer only half the calories
I found your last work so enticing, I had to try another one.
This is a well written poem. Each stanza gives detail, draws vision and emotion. Very dark with a rich depth. The form is straight forward and explained in the description. Well delivered, I love the dark side of the psyche.
Keep writing!!
Perkypest
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/perkypest/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 3:46am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
