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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pernille
Review Requests: OFF
62 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to give my overall impression, give tips for improvement if I notice anything in particular, and often highlight favourite lines or aspects I think worked well. I might comment on the form and style, and anything else that strikes me as relevant. All comments are intended to be constructive and helpful. ............................................................................ I recommend this interesting commentary from Northernwrites about what rating actually means: "Ratings On or Ratings Off? ............................................................................
Favorite Genres
Genres I like include Nature, Pets, Animals, Fantasy, Drama, Emotional, Inspirational, Romance, Thrillers, Mystery, Fanfiction, Comedy, Education etc. Most genres, really, depending on my mood and the text.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Chapters, Essays, Other
I will not review...
If I don't feel like the material is for me, so that I don't have anything constructive to say, I might prefer not to comment.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Storm Music  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fyn,

This review is for the "WDC Review A-Thon! CLOSED til Next Year.

I love this poem, it's very beautiful! The title is intriguing, and the poem certainly does not disappoint. I interpret this poem to be about thoughts and feelings, and about change. It seems to me that this is about what it's like to once have been in the throes of difficult thoughts and emotions, but to then experience the joy of realizing you made it through.

Anyone who have gone through a difficult time, and then experienced a change for the better-whether that's due to time passing and wounds healing naturally, or a process of actively seeking change-will know that it can feel like the sky finally clearing up. You can then look back at how you used to think and feel with distance, and realize with great relief that the thoughts that used to keep you trapped now can't hurt you anymore. This is what I believe your poem is really about, and I think it's beautifully done.

The imagery is very striking, and the poem reads well on that level as well. I like the idea of the storm becoming like music you can dance to, once the rainbow is out and everything is growing and changing.

There's a good use of contrast from how the poem begins, to how it develops after the change. You manage to change the mood completely and convincingly, within the span of a short little poem.

Tiny detail: Is illumine a word that I'm just unfamiliar with, or should it be illuminate or some such?

I also got very curious about this line: "Mobius memories circle..". I interpret this as having to do with the concept of a Möbius strip. That woud be very interesting imagery. I think a on one hand, a Möbius strip would fit your poem, because it gives the impression of being a bit confusing, and invites the idea of travel and movement. At the same time, it only has one "side", which is interesting if this poem has anything to do with relationships between people. The talk of regrets in the begining hints at that.

I do love the use of ivy as an image, since that really makes it feel like this poem is about unstoppable, but also unpredictable growth.

All in all a lovely poem, which I'm glad I read.

Write on!



2
2
Review of Bedlam  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Sumojo,

This review is for the "WDC Review A-Thon! CLOSED til Next Year.

First of all, I love the ending! What a great build-up. I was wondering why the story was in a somewhat unusual form, but when I got to the ending, it fell into place.

For instance, your use of headlines fits so much better when it becomes clear what the story is about. On hindsight it's in a form that could fit into an article somehow. The last headline is a bit strange, in that it has a word that seems to break the reader out of the story itself, but at the same time that seems fitting. I'm a bit unsure about it, but I think I like the irony of using a "story word", but at the same time make the reader feel like maybe this was actually a possible biography.

I think you do a great job of setting the mood, and you use wonderfully descriptive language.

You also keep the reader hooked, by making William's goal of escaping very urgent and important. The stakes are high here, and so is the tension. His need for revenge also feels very credible. The descriptions of just how horrid the circumstances are, and the feeling from the beginning that this man is being done a great injustice, means that the reader doesn't need much convincing to understand that William's need for revenge is as strong as his fear of staying in Bedlam. The great thing about this story is that as a reader, I'm angry on William's behalf for most of the story, and can easily be led to feel like he should have some sort of justice, possible by the wicked Mrs Cook being punished somehow. It's not until he deals with the old crone that it starts to feel a bit grim to be rooting for him, and at the very end it's quite shocking to have done so at all. I think this is very clever of you, and it makes the story quite impactful.

I also love your use of dialects in the dialogue, it's great for getting a feel for the characters.

Here's a couple of details for correction:

-"as he snapped manacles on to his captor." Should it be captive?

-You're spelling so-called in two different ways. I think makes most sense to hyphenate it in your usage of the term.

-Spelling mistake: entailied


To conclude, I really loved reading your story, it's very moody and clever. Well done!
3
3
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Coffee Queen Sox,

This review is for the "WDC Review A-Thon! CLOSED til Next Year!

I love your poem, it's very effectful. It really brings forth the image of a fitful night of nightmares and sleeplessness. The last line, "sleep awaits the morn'" gives leaves the reader with little hope for the terrible dreams to give way for a good, deep sleep. It does, however, remind me that this might thankfully be just a nightmare, that will end when morning comes.

I think you're doing a great job of your word choices. You're focusing a lot on the senses, rather than thoughts and emotions, which is an excellent way of drawing in the reader. The poem feels visceral, and I'm right there in the nightmare, rather than just being told about someone having a nightmare.

There is no real explanation for why this nightmare is happening, and that make perfect sense. When you're lying in your bed, dreaming, you're not really aware of where the thougths and impressions are coming from.

You use a lot of auditory words, which I think is very effective. Right from the first line, you're preparing the reader to be ready to "listen" to your poem. The second line, "silence broken, grinding fear," is my favourite. This is when the nightmare really starts, and I love how you follow up silence being "broken" with a sound word, "grinding", but it's the noise of fear itself.

All the sound words that follow in the poem thereby become linked to fear, which I think is very effective. I also like how the sound words bleed seamlessly into movement words, which is what helps make the poem so visceral.

I'm not sure if I needed the line "visions of Armageddon in the night,", because it seems a bit on the nose. However, it does serve a purpose, like bringing vision into play as well, and setting the scene "at night".

The title is quite exciting, since it makes me wonder if one of two things is happening here:

Is there a conjurer who is brining these nightmare upon a poor soul? An outside force at play?

Or is this perhaps a cojurer's own dreams, as some sort of consequence of their actions?

It brings an interesting new level to the poem, and adds atmosphere and mystery.

You are throughtout the poem doing a good job of using repetition, alliteration and assonance in a way that keeps the pulse up, and fits the fitful theme of the poem.

There are commas, but no other punctuation, and only lower case letters, which I think also contributes to the pace and the mood of the poem. It feels right for a poem where the impressions are supposed to give a feeling of vague, restless unease.

The shape of the poem is also interesting, since to me it gives the impression of waves. I'm not sure about the word "tree" getting such a highlight, though, it feels like it's getting a focus that's not warranted.

All in all, I think you've written a very good poem, it was a fun read. Keep up the good work!
4
4
Review of Reincarnation  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rhymer,

This review is for the "WDC Review A-Thon! CLOSED til Next Year.

What a vivid and exciting poem! I think it's great that you're taking on big topics like reincarnation, the nature of our selves and the world. This can be read as a metaphysical poem, or as a metaphor. Either is very interesting, but to me it's most strikingly an exploration of the idea of reincarnation.

I think you do a good job of interesting the reader already in the item description. You make it clear that this might get a bit mysterious, a confusing, and that we might be about to tackle some existential questions.

The first line then packs a punch, and challenges the reader to take their mind away from the mundane, and go on a journey with you.

One line I'm a bit unsure about is "bouncing each other to create the Divine.", should it be bouncing off?

I do like the imagery though, and I like how you paint a picture for the reader of things that are at the same time beyond comprehension.

Although, it feels like the poem is just as much about the state of the world now, and about relationships. The lines "we’d die for a brave new world" and "Refreshing feelings, meeting ourselves
and maybe each other." bring the question about why this renewal is necessary, and what "we" are hoping to achieve. It gives the poem many layers, and makes it a very interesting read.

I think it can be read as a story of someone going through life changes, and about how this might affect a relationship. Will we find eachother again? I also think it's a story about how things are in fact not good in the here and now, in someones life and/or in the world. Could it be a wish for renewal, a dream of change, more than an actual story of metaphysical mysteries. And of course the word "Divine" at the end is quite striking, and ambigous enough to fit both a mundane story of a relationship, and a spiritual story of rebirth.

Well done, I really enjoyed reading this!
5
5
Review of My Drummer Boy  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Fyn,

This is a review for the "WDC Review A-Thon! CLOSED til Next Year!


I think this poem is a gem, it works really well. A poem about a drummer boy should be structured and rhytmical, and I think you've achieved that. It has an air of nostalgia, playfulness and mystery. I interpret this as being about a man who used to play the drums, and now has refound childhood joy by getting the old drumset out of the attic. It comes across as a love poem for this man.

I think it's clever to allude to the song Little Drummer Boy, since it immeadiately brings a lot of feelings. It also sets the stage of someone finding old memories, since for many people that song is a childhood memory.

I think you use rhyme and repetition in a good way, and you give this poem both the right kind of rhythm and variation. It flows nicely.

One of my favourite lines to read was "He played the riffs, the rolls, the licks.", because it flows nicely. You've done something clever here, where you've used both assonance and alliteration to tie the word "riffs" to both of the others. It's very well done.

One line that didn't flow as well was "that his welder's fingers couldn't wield the sticks", because it seemed a bit long. It also made the poem fell more personal, so I think it might be worth it. Perhaps it can be tinkered with to make it flow better anyway?

The last stanza makes me a bit confused about who's glowing, so maybe I don't understand the scene completely. The last line is strong, though.

All in all I really enjoyed reading this poem, thank you for writing it.

Write on!



6
6
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great, thank you for sharing such a useful tool. I especially appreciate the world-building angle here, it's often overlooked or treated very simply as 'setting'.

Thank you for sharing this, I think I'll look back at it next time I'm reviewing a short story or a chapter.
7
7
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is great, I enjoyed reading this very much.

The title is intriguing, and stays in my mind. You've done a good job of painting a picture, both with that line and the rest of the poem.

I like the juxtaposition between those who fought and perished, and those who 'stood as stone'. The time aspect makes this particularly interesting. It's clever to have almost 'eternal' onlookers, who put the great Battle, and rise and fall of cities, into perspective. And then even the onlookers must perish, nothing is eternal after all. It all makes me think of Ozymandias, the king of kings.

The names in your poem are intriguing, if they are references I don't recognize them. It's a mystery to me who is speaking, and that just makes it more fun.

All in all a very good poem, which I'm sure I might enjoy reading again and ponder more about.

Well done!
8
8
Review of Meeting Him  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is wonderful, I love it!

I'm reading it at the wrong time of year, and I don't mind at all.

It's a very sweet story, just gives a happy feeling, really. I love the idea of it, and it's well done too. I like it that it's in the form of a poem, it makes it very fun to read.

Thank you for this little gem!

Write on!
9
9
Review of Delta  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is great, you paint a beautiful picture. I love that you're making a word play across languages, it gives the poem an extra dimension. You have several good word plays, actually, like 'We fell from grace'.

The poem is beautiful both read as a story about a human relationship, and as the journey of water droplets. Pointing out the double meaning of 'delta' encourages the reader to see both interpretations.

There's something exquisite about the idea that participating in life (å delta) also means changes happening along the way, like being separated and spread out in a delta. I like this poem more, the more I think of it.

Godt skrevet!
10
10
Review of Treasures  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful, I really enjoyed this. Favourite lines: 'my fevered brow felt the comforting hand of nature'. I can really relate to the feeling of nature bringing comfort like that. I also like 'Simple pleasures in simple things', it's so true.

Overall, just a lovely poem to read. Thank you for sharing.
11
11
Review of Warning Siren  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
A fun little story, I enjoyed reading it. This little rug rat is probably going to be a handful for a while to come.

I like the title, it's very fitting.

A tiny, tiny detail: I wish you would make some more spaced before you give the word count, or hide it. It just feels a bit distracting in a text this short, especially when the last sentence is breaking form. And a little bit more linespace overall might do it well.

The texts itself is cute and fun, I can just picture the brat punching the poor nurse.

Well done *Poseyb*



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12
12
Review of Wicked Witch  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a terrifying character! I enjoyed reading this, it's chilling in a fairytale style. You paint a great picture of this character, a lot of good word choices. I think my favourite line is this:'A genuine smile is so hard to fake', more because of meaning than flow.

Since it's a long, story telling type poem, I wouldn't mind if you added punctuation. I don't think that's always neccessary in a poem, but here I miss it a bit.

Overall a very enjoyable read, well done.

Keep up the good work!
13
13
Review of Poignant  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm impressed with how much you've managed to say with such few words. There's a big story in these few lines, both about past and future. The form is very good too, you've done a great job here.
It flows very nicely, with a nice rhythm.

Well done, write on!
14
14
Review of The Mustache  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very funny poem! It's lighthearted and on the right side of silly. It reads well, it feels quick-paced and snappy. You've done a good job with rythm, rhyme and repetition. Favourite lines: 'Could I ignore that mustache?
Should I just look away?
'

Good job!
15
15
Review by PiriPica
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I loved reading this, what a great poem. I like your topic, and that it contrasts the difficult sides of the mind with the beauty. A positive ending is a good conclusion for this.

Excellent use of repetition. You have some powerful imagery, like 'Balanced on the edge of a knife'. Although that line uses an well-worn metaphor, it works well in your context.

The most akward line to read is 'Capable of bringing out our worst fears', because it's a bit long, but I do like the meaning of the line.

The font is a bit "in your face", which is a bit distracting, although bold text does make it stand out and feel hard hitting. Perhaps it can be done in bold in a different font?

I like the title, it made me want to read it. Porcelain is beautiful and fragile, so it fits nicely.

I'm glad I read this poem, thank you for sharing.

Write on! *Poseyo*
16
16
Review of Broken  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This packs a punch! Very strong and angry imagery, emphasised by the bold font.

As a poem, I love the force of it, even though the topic is hurt. It's very dramatic, and quite short, so it's like a quick shock to the system, with what is quite frankly a vindictive, bitter ending.

Although the words about healing leave an impact, the sentence isn't even finished before the anger shows itself again at the end. This poem speaks of old hurt and catharsis, and it leaves an impression.

17
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Review of No Matter  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I love it! It's very moody, and flows well. Lots of good imagery, you are using strong words, and it has something grandiose about it which makes it a delight to read. I'm not sure if any message really sticks, I think it's more the mood and the images that catch my attention with this one.

This line confused me a bit:'Sailors drift seas abound'. I'm just not managing to wrap my head around the grammar right now.

And this line was my favourite:'the moon shows its power.', because it was a strong juxtaposition to the embers, and it was an unexpected and vivid image.

I wouldn't use 'writing.com' as a genre for this. 'Emotional' seems right and then you can probably add two of 'Nature', 'Dark', 'Spiritual' or 'Inspirational', according to what feels most true to your intentions.

Genres aside:

Well done, write on! *Poseyo*



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Review of A Kitten Calls  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story, I was hooked from the first sentence!

I think you did a good job of immediately making the stakes high, the mystery intriguing, and developing the characters, all within the first paragraph. These are all very important aspects of a successful short story, you clearly understand how it should be structured.

Using words like 'pitiful' and 'dire' sets an urgent mood that continues to drive the story throughout the boys' search. And the simple phrase 'stopped their matching Schwinn bikes' paints such a good picture of these characters and their relation to eachother—excellent "show not tell".

I think the whole story works very well, although I'll make some notes about the ending.

First though, the search which seems increasingly perilous (again, excellent storey-telling move, "increasing tension") is well done. And then the sweet scene where they carefully place the kitten in Caden's backpack...I loved that scene, and it fits nicely into the "falling tension" stage.

That brings us to the conclusion, and that part for me was sweet and good, but maybe not great. If I had to change something I would work on the very ending. It's tough, because the story needs to be rounded off at that point, and you paint a very nice picture. I think the ending is good. But there's something about the worry I've had for the cat during the long "increasing tension" part which makes me feel a tiny bit short-changed. Like the boys playing Nintendo while the kitten sleeps seems too easy/callous somehow. This isn't a big complaint, I'm nitpicking here, but maybe something can be done to soothe my concern for the cat? I expected her to be more tired, maybe she sleeps on one of the boys chest at the end, or they see that she's beginning to show interest in playing, instead of playing with her 'all day'?

Again, I'm digging deep here, but I think the story would end even better for me if I were as convinced as the boys that the kitten is really okay. I guess it's the very last paragraph I'm honing in on.

Minor detail:
'...no so tough response.'—should this be "... not so tough..."?

And there's a random gold coin at the end*Laugh* Leftover from Easter?

I really enjoyed your story, thank you for writing it*PoseyP*


19
19
Review of Kisses  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh my, I think someone's turned up the heat, just so. This is very sweet, and tends towards passionate without getting, well.. overexcited. You're doing a nice balance here, which gives the poem a lot of love and warm feeling, like inviting the reader just to the edge of an intimate sphere, to get a glimpse of the heart felt love there.

My favourite lines are in the beginning, because kissing eyes so 'you can see My Love' is a clever and beautiful image. Using capital letters makes 'My Love' seem grand and reverent. Using 'thee' also has that effect, although personally it borders on creating a distance to the reader, because it's so formal. Still, I see how it fits with the theme of intimate/intense yet respectful/reverent love. Overall I think you do the balance quite well throughout.

I also really like the image of planting 'My Love' around the heart with kisses. Again, kissing the chest gets almost racy, but the softness and reverence brings it neatly back in to a place of Love, rather than lust.

The title and name in the item body are a bit distracting, maybe leave out the title at least? Or create more distance, maybe by putting name and title in italics, or centralizing the rest of the text?

All in all, a great poem, thank you for writing it*Poseyr*

Oh, and finally:

*Stary*Happy 4th WDC-anniversary!*Stary*


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Review of Not Haiku  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
... Not a haiku?! What is it then, what are the rules??? *Confused*

I thought this was a very nice commentary on the fascination we seem to have with haikus. I have written some myself, and it feels very special somehow, as though the form gives it some age-old wisdom. The exercise of writing in such a clipped, strict format can be good, but it sure was refreshing to read your 'not haiku'. It's a nice counterbalance, and a good cultural observation.

Of course, your poem is also very short, and would tick some boxes for a good haiku, like being close in format, and using contrasts. I interpret it as satire, but also as an example of how we can learn and be inspired by a form from a different culture, but still stay true to ourselves and adapt it as it suits us. I think this short little poem is both humorous and inspiring which is why I'm writing a long text about a very short one.

Finally I have to say that the first line is fascinating. I think it gives the impression of being at least partly satirical, by setting the right kind of mood and inviting the reader to try to read more into the short line than neccessary. At the same time, I can of course not help but re-read it and visualise what your saying. I think it fits nicely with the point about abstract thinking, since it's a bit ambiguous.

In conclusion, well done! Thanks for writing this poem*Poseyo*

And... *drum roll*...

*Starb*Happy 2 year WDC-anniversary!*Starb*

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Review of Sleepless  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Insomnia is a real pain, and this poem is a nice mix between light-hearted and true, which is a good way to deal with the topic.

It feels rushed in a suitable way, and the stream of thoughts and sudden worries show very well what it's like to lie awake all night.

Funny ending, it makes it easier to read about a stressful topic when you have a good dose of humor in it *Smile* Of course, it also makes it less real and dampens the impact, but that's really a matter of what kind of feeling you want the reader to be left with. Humor goes a long way.

The poem does look a bit cramped since there are no line spaces, but again, maybe that adds to the stressed feeling that fits with the theme. You don't need the title repeated in the body of text, though.

All in all I thought it was a fun read that's intentionally on the silly side. Thanks for writing, keep up the good work *Smile*


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22
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Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice*Poseyo*It's tongue in cheek and wise at the same time.

I like the build-up of the stanzas.

It flows nicely, although some of the lines are noticably longer. You might make the syllable count more even to adjust that. Also, the first two lines don't rhyme like the others do. Personally I don't mind so much, but it doesn't prepare you for the coming rhyme scheme.

I would suggests writing 5 as 'five', but that's a minor detail.

Favourite lines:'You end up feeling lost and dense
if you, poor thing, lack common sense.
', because it's snappy and memorable.

Overall, I really like it and thought it was clever and fun, with a good message.

Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm glad they pressed 1, this was fun!

It's a wild ride, and I like the humorous details, like randomly ending up named team 'Aardvark'.

It's a wild ride, and all the details can almost be a bit overwhelming at times, but that fits nicely with the video-game theme.

Overall, I like that it's fast-paced, and full of action and vivid descriptions.

Well done!
24
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Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is beautiful, I especially like the concluding couplet.

You use such rich, descriptive language that I hardly thought of the rhyme scheme and such, but it just flows very naturally.

It's sweet and sad, and paints vivid pictures.

I like how you use very small creatures, like bugs, but you make it great, and make them really matter. You make me really feel for them all.

Well done, this was lovely to read *PoseyO*
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Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Note: This is a review of your text from a writing perspective, not a comment about the topic itself, or a critique of your sources. I will note that I think you're rising awareness about an important issue, and I commend you for that.

You have written a compelling essay about a very important current issue. You write convincingly, and I like that you include your sources, especially for a topical issue like this.

The citing list does take up a large portion of the text. It feels urgent, and compells the reader to investigate further on their own. Usually, I would probably recommend to do something about the format or length of your text, so that the listing isn’t such a big portion of what the reader sees. In this case, I feel like your essay is a sort of summary/introduction into the information that's out there, and that this is first and foremost an appeal. Therefore, I think the format works fine, and I hope that your message has a positive effects on the situation.

Thank you for writing this, and welcome to Writing.com!
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