*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pernille/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
84 Public Reviews Given
191 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to give my overall impression, give tips for improvement if I notice anything in particular, and often highlight favourite lines or aspects I think worked well. I might comment on the form and style, and anything else that strikes me as relevant. All comments are intended to be constructive and helpful. ............................................................................ I recommend this interesting commentary from northernwrites about what rating actually means: "Invalid Item"  ............................................................................
Favorite Genres
Genres I like include Nature, Pets, Animals, Fantasy, Drama, Emotional, Inspirational, Romance, Thrillers, Mystery, Fanfiction, Comedy, Education etc. Most genres, really, depending on my mood and the text.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Chapters, Essays, Other
I will not review...
If I don't feel like the material is for me, so that I don't have anything constructive to say, I might prefer not to comment.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- ... Next
26
26
Review of Broken  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This packs a punch! Very strong and angry imagery, emphasised by the bold font.

As a poem, I love the force of it, even though the topic is hurt. It's very dramatic, and quite short, so it's like a quick shock to the system, with what is quite frankly a vindictive, bitter ending.

Although the words about healing leave an impact, the sentence isn't even finished before the anger shows itself again at the end. This poem speaks of old hurt and catharsis, and it leaves an impression.

27
27
Review of A Kitten Calls  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story, I was hooked from the first sentence!

I think you did a good job of immediately making the stakes high, the mystery intriguing, and developing the characters, all within the first paragraph. These are all very important aspects of a successful short story, you clearly understand how it should be structured.

Using words like 'pitiful' and 'dire' sets an urgent mood that continues to drive the story throughout the boys' search. And the simple phrase 'stopped their matching Schwinn bikes' paints such a good picture of these characters and their relation to eachother—excellent "show not tell".

I think the whole story works very well, although I'll make some notes about the ending.

First though, the search which seems increasingly perilous (again, excellent storey-telling move, "increasing tension") is well done. And then the sweet scene where they carefully place the kitten in Caden's backpack...I loved that scene, and it fits nicely into the "falling tension" stage.

That brings us to the conclusion, and that part for me was sweet and good, but maybe not great. If I had to change something I would work on the very ending. It's tough, because the story needs to be rounded off at that point, and you paint a very nice picture. I think the ending is good. But there's something about the worry I've had for the cat during the long "increasing tension" part which makes me feel a tiny bit short-changed. Like the boys playing Nintendo while the kitten sleeps seems too easy/callous somehow. This isn't a big complaint, I'm nitpicking here, but maybe something can be done to soothe my concern for the cat? I expected her to be more tired, maybe she sleeps on one of the boys chest at the end, or they see that she's beginning to show interest in playing, instead of playing with her 'all day'?

Again, I'm digging deep here, but I think the story would end even better for me if I were as convinced as the boys that the kitten is really okay. I guess it's the very last paragraph I'm honing in on.

Minor detail:
'...no so tough response.'—should this be "... not so tough..."?

And there's a random gold coin at the end*Laugh* Leftover from Easter?

I really enjoyed your story, thank you for writing it*PoseyP*
28
28
Review of Kisses  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh my, I think someone's turned up the heat, just so. This is very sweet, and tends towards passionate without getting, well.. overexcited. You're doing a nice balance here, which gives the poem a lot of love and warm feeling, like inviting the reader just to the edge of an intimate sphere, to get a glimpse of the heart felt love there.

My favourite lines are in the beginning, because kissing eyes so 'you can see My Love' is a clever and beautiful image. Using capital letters makes 'My Love' seem grand and reverent. Using 'thee' also has that effect, although personally it borders on creating a distance to the reader, because it's so formal. Still, I see how it fits with the theme of intimate/intense yet respectful/reverent love. Overall I think you do the balance quite well throughout.

I also really like the image of planting 'My Love' around the heart with kisses. Again, kissing the chest gets almost racy, but the softness and reverence brings it neatly back in to a place of Love, rather than lust.

The title and name in the item body are a bit distracting, maybe leave out the title at least? Or create more distance, maybe by putting name and title in italics, or centralizing the rest of the text?

All in all, a great poem, thank you for writing it*Poseyr*

Oh, and finally:

*Stary*Happy 4th WDC-anniversary!*Stary*
29
29
Review of Not Haiku  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
... Not a haiku?! What is it then, what are the rules??? *Confused*

I thought this was a very nice commentary on the fascination we seem to have with haikus. I have written some myself, and it feels very special somehow, as though the form gives it some age-old wisdom. The exercise of writing in such a clipped, strict format can be good, but it sure was refreshing to read your 'not haiku'. It's a nice counterbalance, and a good cultural observation.

Of course, your poem is also very short, and would tick some boxes for a good haiku, like being close in format, and using contrasts. I interpret it as satire, but also as an example of how we can learn and be inspired by a form from a different culture, but still stay true to ourselves and adapt it as it suits us. I think this short little poem is both humorous and inspiring which is why I'm writing a long text about a very short one.

Finally I have to say that the first line is fascinating. I think it gives the impression of being at least partly satirical, by setting the right kind of mood and inviting the reader to try to read more into the short line than neccessary. At the same time, I can of course not help but re-read it and visualise what your saying. I think it fits nicely with the point about abstract thinking, since it's a bit ambiguous.

In conclusion, well done! Thanks for writing this poem*Poseyo*

And... *drum roll*...

*Starb*Happy 2 year WDC-anniversary!*Starb*

30
30
Review of Sleepless  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Insomnia is a real pain, and this poem is a nice mix between light-hearted and true, which is a good way to deal with the topic.

It feels rushed in a suitable way, and the stream of thoughts and sudden worries show very well what it's like to lie awake all night.

Funny ending, it makes it easier to read about a stressful topic when you have a good dose of humor in it *Smile* Of course, it also makes it less real and dampens the impact, but that's really a matter of what kind of feeling you want the reader to be left with. Humor goes a long way.

The poem does look a bit cramped since there are no line spaces, but again, maybe that adds to the stressed feeling that fits with the theme. You don't need the title repeated in the body of text, though.

All in all I thought it was a fun read that's intentionally on the silly side. Thanks for writing, keep up the good work *Smile*


*Badge3* *Badge* This review is part of "Earn Your Badge! - Closed" ; a forum to post reviews and earn Merit Badges! *Badge* *Badge3*
31
31
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice*Poseyo*It's tongue in cheek and wise at the same time.

I like the build-up of the stanzas.

It flows nicely, although some of the lines are noticably longer. You might make the syllable count more even to adjust that. Also, the first two lines don't rhyme like the others do. Personally I don't mind so much, but it doesn't prepare you for the coming rhyme scheme.

I would suggests writing 5 as 'five', but that's a minor detail.

Favourite lines:'You end up feeling lost and dense
if you, poor thing, lack common sense.', because it's snappy and memorable.

Overall, I really like it and thought it was clever and fun, with a good message.

Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm glad they pressed 1, this was fun!

It's a wild ride, and I like the humorous details, like randomly ending up named team 'Aardvark'.

It's a wild ride, and all the details can almost be a bit overwhelming at times, but that fits nicely with the video-game theme.

Overall, I like that it's fast-paced, and full of action and vivid descriptions.

Well done!
33
33
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is beautiful, I especially like the concluding couplet.

You use such rich, descriptive language that I hardly thought of the rhyme scheme and such, but it just flows very naturally.

It's sweet and sad, and paints vivid pictures.

I like how you use very small creatures, like bugs, but you make it great, and make them really matter. You make me really feel for them all.

Well done, this was lovely to read *PoseyO*
34
34
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Note: This is a review of your text from a writing perspective, not a comment about the topic itself, or a critique of your sources. I will note that I think you're rising awareness about an important issue, and I commend you for that.

You have written a compelling essay about a very important current issue. You write convincingly, and I like that you include your sources, especially for a topical issue like this.

The citing list does take up a large portion of the text. It feels urgent, and compells the reader to investigate further on their own. Usually, I would probably recommend to do something about the format or length of your text, so that the listing isn’t such a big portion of what the reader sees. In this case, I feel like your essay is a sort of summary/introduction into the information that's out there, and that this is first and foremost an appeal. Therefore, I think the format works fine, and I hope that your message has a positive effects on the situation.

Thank you for writing this, and welcome to Writing.com!
35
35
Review of 04.04.2021  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting, I like it!

You capture the feeling of being stuck in a rut mentally, in this case contemplating unrequited (probably) love.

I think you've done this in a clever and effective way, and the poem has just the right kind of feel for the topic.

I like this line the best: "I realize that I find you interesting." It's nicely understated.

Well done *Smile*
36
36
Review of My Kitten  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.0)
Adorable little poem.

Thank you for introducing me to a new form, I have not heard of the tyburn before.

It seems like a good choice for the topic at hand, you describe the kitten's life very well. The simple listing fits nicely with the repetitive innocence of a kitten's life.

The only issue is that the syllable restriction forces you to cut out the word 'and' in the sentences, which makes them a bit odd.

That doesn't take away from my enjoyment of reading it, though. It's a fun and cute poem read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review of One Fine Day...  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Lovely little poem, possibly with a bleak conclusion? I like your use of allitteration, repetition and contrast. You also have vivid imagery and a lot of rich feelings in your word choices.

I had to read it a couple of times, because it felt a bit disjointed, like words thrown at me at first. Now I see a clear structure:

Line 1:Positives of love
Line 2:Negatives of love
Line 3:Emphazising that love starts positive, then becomes negative
Line 4:Concluding with the advice, 'stay away from love, it's bound to go wrong'

Although, 'Merry-go-round' does make it sound like things could turn around again, so perhaps doesn't fit completely with 'shattered lives'.

On the whole, it's a nice poem, I enjoyed reading it *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (4.5)
This might be old, but it's still relevant. Thanks for writing this nifty list.

I like that you've taken the time to really make an elaborate list that would probably give most people some useful ideas.

The way you talk about the internet gives away the age a bit, but that's just a cute quirk to the text: "Using search engines, such as Google...

Overall a good text, that could probably stand to be shared anew.

Write on *PoseyO*
39
39
Review by PiriPica
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great! I can very much relate to the endless guilt of unfinished projects like this!

And the form is fascinating. I have just written a villanelle, and this reminds me very much of that. Have you done an adaptation of your own, or does this form have a name? It flows well, and the repetition of lines both gives an impact, and it fits nicely with the handcraft theme.

Well done, keep up the good work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of Oneka: Chapter 3  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'm happy to have reached the inevitable time jump, to meet Oneka as a young adult. She is a fierce fighter as expected, and the dramatic ending of this chapter means just about anything can happen next. Very exciting.

I like it that you threw in a love interest, perhaps Seiji will have to go looking for her?

One thing that felt a bit off was putting the paragraph about the snow monkey being dragged into the ring in present tense. Perhaps consider putting it in past tense like the rest of the text?

I look forwards to reading more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review of Oneka: Chapter 1  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a dramatic first chapter, which got me hooked and wondering what Oneka's life will be like.

It's clever to juxtaposition the birth of a baby with the brutality of war. Also, the tranquility, yet undercurrent of tension, in the beginning is contrasted nicely with the drama that follows.

I like the Lady's warning with the teaspoon. Perhaps her words of wisdom will be relayed to Oneka as well someday?

You have set Oneka up to be a strong and controversial character, I'll be interested to see what happens next.

Well done, keep up the good work *PoseyO*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
42
42
Review of D is for Monkey  
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This seems like a nightmare. You describe everything very well, I can vividly picture it all. It's very chilling and bizzarre. I think my favourite line is “I cannot see the children inside the bus, but I feel like I could if I tried.", because there's something like a disturbing sort of "dream logic" in it that adds to the impression of being in a bad dream.

The ending leaves me with a bit of a "what did I just read" feeling, since it's so abrupt, but again that adds to my theory that I just read a description of a nightmare. It does leave me wondering if this is part of some bigger story, perhaps some kind of an adventure in a scary fantasy universe. I'm sure left quite confused at the end.

I would say the story starts very chilling, and when we get to the terror actually happening it seems humorous as well because it's so, well... random.

All in all a very vivid, quite confusing and entertaining story of a nightmare. Well done, keep up the good work *PoseyO*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
43
43
Review by PiriPica
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a very interesting text, I think I've learned a lot about screenplays by reading it. The idea of categorizing movies like this is interesting, and it makes a lot of sense (I suppose this is connected to the idea of tropes?). It often feels like there's some kind of template to movie-making, so it's interesting that you study one of these types in more detail.

I like it that you use a lot of well-known examples, I'm left with the impression that you have done thorough research. I'm perhaps left a little unsure about wether the difference between Jaws and Alien is the main point, or just an example. For the most part, though, I think you build the text well around your examples.

I think your writing style has a nice balance between casual and informative that makes it enjoyable to read.

The text could do with a proof-reading to clean up spelling mistakes, text format issues and such. It's not a very big deal, but I think this text deserves that sort of polishing.

All in all an educational text that I appreciated reading.
43 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pernille/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2