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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pgoka
Review Requests: OFF
38 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello S.z. Kamoonpuri,
Please know these are just my thoughts; things I noted as I read through your piece.
I wasn't too sure, if this was meant to be an essay or poetry because of the layout and the way your ideas were presented in places. eg. "I can't help saying yippee..."

I also found lines 11 and 14 confusing. Do Hindu women cover their faces for religious purposes or for protection against dust and other air pollutants?

The jump to the covid-19 pandemic, in line 16 also seemed a bit abrupt. There was nothing to link it to what you were writing about before. You could probably talk about the challenges and criticisms muslim women who choose to cover their faces face and gradually work your way down to the turnabout caused by the current pandemic. I also felt that the reference to the helmets worn by motor riders and the reference to medieval european women could be presented in a way that would improve the flow of the writing and properly link one idea to the other (I felt that they were standing alone and did not properly connect with the rest of what you had written).

Even though the links give additional information, I thought they were distracting so I think it would be better if they are presented at the end of the writing.Finally, I think you should simply write "especially", when I see ESP written in all caps lock, my first thought is extrasensory perception.

Thank you.
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello S.Z.K.
This poem reflects the beauty and simplicity of childhood, but do you know what I love most about your poem? The ending rhymes. That is something I have never been able to do- I won't even try it.
This poem is nicely written, I'm glad you reviewed my poem.
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem that clearly speaks of the love you have for your wife.
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kimberly. you did a great job with the prompt. I really enjoyed reading the story, especially since it was so full of suspense and it was a wonderful play with words. I had no idea where the story was headed. Nice twist at the end too. Well done.

I just noted this though, "...and the boy and his mother will "leave" long and healthy lives..." I realised that you had a little typo with the leave here.
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Review of Safeguards  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A beautifully written poem Don. Thank you.
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nicely written. Beautiful story. I'm not surprised you won.
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Review of James James  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the story and the sweet innocence that it portrays. It's really well written and the dialogue so real.

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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Lin,
I think this story is kind of sad. To give up everything so that you can do what you love, and then not being able to do it- frustrating and sad.

The story is well written and the descriptions are vivid. I enjoyed reading it,I especially loved the interaction between the coffee machine and Hooper.

9
9
Review of Bob Loves You  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bob,
First of all I think religious pieces can lead to much controversy especially when it comes to the use of right hand side and the left hand side of a supreme being. My interpretation of the seating arrangement is that the preferred ones are on the right hand side, especially since the devil is also on the left hand side.

I was also confused by the appearance of Bill O'Rilley, because he hadn't been mentioned previously in the seating arrangements.

If there was a deeper significance, I think I missed it, but then, that is poetry.

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Review of BOUNDING HOME  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You wrote this story like you lived through it, or probably did some intense research on it. You made me live through the war, through the eyes of Vince. DRSmith, I loved reading this story to the last end.
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Review of A good lesson  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sielie,
Please remember, that these are just my thoughts and opinions. Since you submitted this story for honest reviews, I am going to be as honest with you as I would like anyone to be with my work.

First of all, I think that you need to read over and work a little more on the flow of the story. I noted a few of the places I feel you could work on.

- It seems impossible that amongst a group of twenty educators, she should have only two friends. Who does that? (the bolded part seems out of place to me or rather, a different choice of words eg, Pathetic!, will bring out whatever idea you want to express better)

-“What a great person she is, looking after other people’s children and taking her as their own, at her young age, and on top of her own two teenagers.” There is a kind of disjoint here. I think you should rephrase it to make it clearer to the reader.

- the next day Jessie takes her seat next to Denise, who squints at her from under long black lashes. “Don’t ask. I did nothing. Nothing.” Sammy takes a long drink from her coffee. “How did it go with your grading?”(I am wondering where they are now)

-No one responds He regards that as affirmation.” (Please check the punctuation)

On the whole, I think it has the potential to be a great story. It just needs a little more editing.

12
12
Review of The Tempest  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Whitemorn,
I love reading poetry,and I do know good poetry when I read one. My comments on The Tempest:

- I like the the flow of the poem. However, I felt that it would read easier if some of the longer lines were broken down.
- I also found it a bit hard reading the poem since everything is in bold. I think you should remove the bold from it and only use it for parts you want to lay emphasis on.
- The spacing was also a bit too close.

On the whole though, I enjoyed it. Nice work, keep writing.

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Review of Hells Bells  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Congratulations on your win. It is rather amazing ow you managed to pull this off. One man talking throughout, and Charlie's silence throughout, yet it still came out like a dialogue of sorts, which revealed all that was happening. I enjoyed reading it.
14
14
Review of My Candle  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love your story. I like your linking life's trials and tribulations to the flame of a candle. We all go through it, we know how it feels like. I am rating you not based on the technical aspects of your writing but on the content.

Nice piece.
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Review of Brutally Honest  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love it! The language, the descriptions. I laughed while reading the story. I am still smiling.
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Review of Interloper  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
After commenting on some of my works I couldn't help but visit your portfolio. If someone who writes poetry as beautiful as you do, takes the time to read my poetry and comment on it, I am honoured.
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Shaara,
I am saving some of your work to read later. I find that there is so much material to read on wdc, I don't know where to start. It overwhelms me. How do you do it?
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am copying these to read later. I got interested after visiting your blog.
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Review of Midnight Dance  
Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (5.0)
I twirled through the dark night with her. Nicely written
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Review by Ametorpe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful story. Really vivid. Noticed that it needs a few tweaks here and there though, the ones that you can easily overlook.


Your up early," she said with a yawn, "I guess your really excited about going to the mountains today.". (noticed it should have been you're)

" She said once she finally came down to the living room. "And really, why are you always watching weird documentaries?". "They're not weird, they're interesting" I replied. ( feel a comma should come after the She said. My thoughts though)

But me and my sister were already ahead of me. They both ran back to the patch of trees but I was too late. (But my mother and my sister, I think that was what you meant to write)


Happy writing!!!
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