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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pinoy_celt
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645 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great story. Please see below for a few suggested improvements:

1) "Come in,” she said. “have a cup of tea.” You may want to either capitalize "Have" or put a comma in place of the period after "said."

2) He said, “sleep-overs, movies…you name it” A period is needed here.

3) The Hill’s Light Diner had been his regular stop every tuesday and thursday morning for the past twenty years, and he didn’t mean to change that now. --- Small typos: Tuesday and Thursday should be capitalized.

4) What’s more, the rash on his neck was becoming unbearable, and despite his best efforts he’d succeeding in scratching it raw. --- It should be "succeeded" since normally you wouldn't say "he had succeeding..."

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like how you write this opening chapter in the third person to describe how the people of this world thought and spoke. Please see the below for recommended changes:

1) He dared climb higher, leap farther, and to less solid branches, than any other of the warrior. --- Typo: "warriors"

2) It was said that he was more comfortable leaping tree to branch to leaf to twig, than even the small, nut and seed gathering chitter sailers --- It should be "sailors" and a period is needed.

3) Acknowledged as the best example of a high demand, high performance population. He was sure to be announced soon as an heir to a tribe. That tribe's warrior representative amongst the Runners. --- Only the last period should be there. The other periods should be replaced with commas to prevent these fragments.

4) The rain began to fall, as expected. Fat drops, hitting with a palpable force on the top layers, even having some fair strength driving them, fat and pounding, to his height. --- The first period should be replaced with a comma to avoid having a fragment here.

5) When the storm was so close to him that even the thicker branches able to support a woodcutter's weight, standing solid, were weaving and shaking to the point he was having trouble finding footing along them, much less purchase enough to allow his normal fleet run. Ai'Liel came to a decision. --- Please see #4.

6) As the sky fire was cracking so close that the flash and the bursts of sound came almost simultaneously, he began lashing himself to the tree, hampered by the cutting winds. --- It should be spelled "latching."

7) Ai'Liel could feel the whole tree he was lashed to thrumming with the power transferred to it. --- This should be "latched" here.

8) For an interminable time, Ai'Liel rode the storm, in this manner, whipped, flayed, scoured by wind and rain, and the small debris carried on each in its maddened rush. The storm seeming to draw more and more on the pure and raw energy of the Brown Father, from whence all life grew and to all returned, in some form, to be born again, anew and different. --- Please see #4.

9) There was an incessant thrumming throughout this part of the forest, born of the complicated and ongoing vibrations of living wood strummed by the violent fingers of the wind, playing its strings on that which withstood its onslaught, and percussion with skyfire and falling branches, Water making various accents to the dramatic, and brutal symphony. --- The word "water" should not be capitalized.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Partner Up!  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks like one of the more uniquely set up contests that I have seen on WDC, at least in a long time. I certainly hope this kind of thing starts up again soon, so maybe I can get back into the swing of things with a writing partner.

Good luck and write on!
4
4
Review of Eyes of Mist  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for the cover pic and prologue. Great start! This reads very much like a streamlined version of Lord of the Rings, as in without a solid paragraph just to describe how Gandalf looks, ha. I look forward to the rest of this book.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks very much for posting this poem. Please read below for suggested improvements:

1) with a message in it's mouth. --- This should be "its" instead.

2) I'm not a sparrow who,s calling you, --- Typo: "who's."

I don';t take children away, from someones heart, --- Typo: "don't."

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of A Great Beginning  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Once again, beautifully written and thanks for posting here. Your poems are always both intellectual and inspiring. I am glad people at WDC are able to be treated to your work which you make seem completely effortless. Much appreciated!

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hopefully you got a decent grade for this assignment. Please see below for corrections:

These were not organized forces; they had no armaments to speak of. --- Although many people speak and write this way, instead of ending a sentence with a preposition, it should be said "These were not organized forces; they had no armaments of which to speak." Even though it sounds different and odd, this is correct.

In the chaos of the battle, many figures are cut down without question. --- I think you meant to say "were cut down" to be consistent with the past tense of the entire chapter.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another wonderfully written free verse poem, thanks again for sharing. The children of this current generation are to me targeted in the most obvious way when it comes to tragedy, especially with these school shootings. If parents can homeschool, I definitely think that's the way to go.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Smoke and Mirrors  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This story reads like a late-night thriller on cable, so good work if that's what you wanted. Please see below for suggested improvements:

Chapter 12: She had once heard a drunken longshoreman use that word during her stripper days’ visit to Las Angeles. --- Do you mean Las Vegas or Los Angeles?

Chapter 19: She asked in a voice almost to low to be heard, “Is it over? Am I really free of him?” --- It should be "too low."

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks very much for posting. Hopefully the relative's choice of purchase did not result in being wiped out completely of his or her bank account, especially in this day and age of extreme financial uncertainty, despite the supposed new norm of the bull market.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Book  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This last chapter really took a quick turn from light-hearted to outright sinister on the part of the knight, so great job with that plot twist. Especially good work with showing what the Crusades were really about with the "holy" knight.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of The Book  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is one of the most laid back fantasy adventures I've read or seen. Please see below for suggested revisions:

1) Brown hair stood where gray once lain. --- It should be "had lain (as in lay, laid, had lain)."

2) No beard, no mustache, only peach-fuzz growing from a dimpled chin and sparkling white teeth shown a completely brilliant grin. --- Here it should be "showed" or "had shown."

3) Deal stood in the doorway and saw the man running after Jezebel, whom ran from him as well. This should read "who ran from him as well."

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of The Book  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like how you have a horse curtsy while stomping about in this chapter. I find it interesting how the last 2 chapters you have focused on the man-animal relationships as the means to continue your plot. It both does that and provides a "break in the action" with nice back-and-forths between the piebald (like a Native American wise man) and then Jezebel.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of The Book  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great second chapter and follow up to chapter 1 as Deal gets more comfortable and wiser with the book and himself in this new light. The only thing here I may suggest is for when the book was first open and read, maybe to not use contractions as such books normally say "do not" instead of "don't," from what I've read about and seen.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for the perfect logic and common sense! With me being Gen-X at 37, I was also fortunate to have had parents who were moderate and straightforward with me. I did not have such mental battles as you, but was more because of pure shyness, which I still have to a degree, although much more talkative due to maturing. Please see a couple of small suggestions to check:

1) Yet, for other, unknown reasons, I declined to take the action and chose to sit by myself and enjoy my breakfast in solidarity. --- Do you mean "in solitary (alone)" or some kind of solidarity that is quiet or implied with this woman because the word is defined as "union or fellowship arising from common responsibilities and interests, as between members of a group or between classes, peoples, etc."?

2) An internal battle is now matched up into four-man free-for-all, where the winning logic dictates the minor decision to talk to someone who they do not know. --- The correct phrase is "whom they do not know" because in grammar, "whom" precedes a phrase referring to a person that starts with a noun, while "who" precedes a phrase referring to a person that starts with a verb (i.e. "who does not know").

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Death Bed  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
As a former Catholic, while I do not agree with many of its beliefs, I still respect the tenacity of those who believe it, as you do express eloquently. And yes, "plastic priest" is rather kind of you. Thanks again for posting this.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Poetic Canvas  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how the second-to-last line of your poem seems to leave open that mysterious word in the great big sky (unless I'm overthinking it and the word was simply "I"). Many times the best writing is that which is left unsaid, but still is clearly seen in the reader's mind. Great job with that!

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Inner Voice  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't find it the most common to see a pure stream-of-consciousness style of poetry like this, although I must say that free verse is the easiest way to do it. This one in particular is both charming and refreshing. Thanks again!

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of The Book  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The peace pipe of youth, that's a new one on me. Thanks for writing out this book. The only thing I suggest to possibly correct are a few places like in Chapter 1, “That’s not how you treated me yesterday.” head shaking as he replied. Usually, a comma follows the last quote.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of The Time Spent  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
As always, thanks very much for posting another wonderfully written poem. Working any job, professional or not, is a challenge especially in today's world. I definitely appreciate how much you value hard work and how one ought to see themselves because of it.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Nesting  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your best poem, so thanks for sharing. Definitely deserving of the award! The only thing I can see to maybe change is where it say, "the papa jay brings Mama food." Did you mean to capitalize so it says "Papa Jay" since later you do so?

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Climacteric  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you so much for posting this poem. While I do not any suggestions, I do have a couple of questions:

1) What inspired you to title this piece "Climacteric?"

2) What are "silver Sophias?" Please pardon my ignorance, but understanding this would really help me get your poem better.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I could feel the cold here in Ohio from this first chapter, and it was warm yesterday! Thank you very much for posting this. I find it interesting how in Chapter 2 you went right to Lisa's rape as an indirect result of this growing problem.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Evil Wind  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Brilliantly written start to your series! Thank you very much for really allowing the reader to see through the eyes of Jack, every moment and every step. Please see below for a couple of minor suggestions to improve:

Under section III --- Debbie reassured me, “we’re fine and we’ll stay fine. It’s you who needs to be careful. Now, get to work. I love you.” Please capitalize "We're."

Under section IX --- it's ways untouched by Time. It should be "its" as possessive of "ways" instead of saying "it is ways."

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of The Big Promotion  
Review by Stallion
In affiliation with "Pantsers" United  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Perfect choice of name for a daydreaming janitor, Johnson. Thanks for posting. The only thing I can see to correct is where it says --- "His foreman answered "Johnson, you better not be foolin' in there, empty the garbages or you'll be back to cleaning lobby bathrooms" A comma is needed after "answered," and a period is needed at the end.

Good luck and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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