I like the storytelling approach of three jokes here. Please see below for suggested corrections:
1) I buy ads in all the local papers, and get spots on the local radio and televisions stations. --- I am sure to meant to say "television" here.
2) Then, at high noon, I open the doors and step back, wanting to avoid being stampeded by the crowd of steak starved customers. --- There should be a hyphen between "steak" and "starved."
3) I high tail it out of there. --- It should be spelled "hightail" instead.
4) I walk out to see what is going own. --- Typo: It should be "on" rather than "own."
Great story and well-written. Thanks very much for posting. Please see below for suggested improvements:
1) Seeing the child shake his head, John gave a sigh Another lost child. --- A period is needed after "sigh."
2) She finally noticed it after learning the armed man eventually committed suicide by cop. --- Do you mean to say "...committed suicide by the cops" instead?
3) “Who’s kid is this?” --- The word should be "Whose" not "Who's" since you are not saying "Who is kid is this?"
4) Of all the decision adults made for Paul during his short life, the last one was finally from a caring person. --- It should be "decisions" here.
This was easily one of the most entertaining stories I have ever read on here. Hopefully you get this published. Please see below for suggestions to improve:
1) "I'm going to designate it as DTH-1" --- A period is needed here.
2) "Its like this, Roy. It is a smarter machine." --- It should be "It's" for "It is" instead of "Its" here.
3) He took a forty pound lead weight out of the desk and put in on top. --- Typo: replace "in" with "it" instead.
4) After the last part of DTH-6 was in the incinerator, DTH-7 said, "While we are at it, lets put you two in there also." --- An apostrophe should be added so it says "let's" here.
This story is hilarious, and I'm glad you wrote it the way you did. Please see below for suggested improvements:
1) I use the money I squeeze outta pops to take care of us.” --- I think you mean to capitalize "Pops" here.
2) Cheryl pulled the blanket over her and Darrel jumped out of the bed and into his swimsuit before saying, “Yeah, come on it.” --- This should be "Yeah, come on in" instead.
3) “I know, but let you father have his silly little dream. --- It should be "your" rather than "you."
4) Then she added. Louder than she intended, “You are not doing something stupid are you, like giving all your money away to some charity or something like that?” --- It should read "Then she added, louder than she intended" here.
5) I mean leave something good, not a trio of lying, thieving leaches like you. --- The word is spelled "leeches."
6) My people have looked into all you doings. --- See #3.
7) On the outter office wall was a big sign the read: John Miller, Attorney at Law. --- The sentence should read as "On the outer office wall was a big sign that read: John Miller, Attorney at Law."
8) Is it supposed to be Darrel or Darryl? You have spelled it both ways.
9) "That son of a b*tch was out of his mind,"Betsy stated. --- A space is needed between the second apostrophe and Betsy.
10) All three gave written statements that David Rivers was of sound mind," the attorney said while pulling several docutments out of a folder and handing them to the three with him. --- The word should be spelled "documents."
11) However, Mr. Rivers took it a couple of more steps, The first thing he did was convert the cash to gold. --- The second comma should be replaced with a period.
Perfectly written as always, thanks very much again for sharing. I thought about possibly suggesting to change from "designs" to "design" but thought better of it because one can have a singular purpose and knowledge with more than one design in order to achieve the end result(s).
I'm glad our apartment doesn't allow cats rather reading this crazy story (ha). Thanks for sharing. Please see below for suggested improvements:
1) Where it says, "Once I learned what the problem, I stayed inside behind the steering wheel while one cat after another were carried by my irritated friends to my small, two-door sedan." --- It should be "Once I learned what the problem was..."
2) Where it says, "Once I parked in the my new home's driveway and watched the cars and trailer find their own places on the road, I sat in numb shock staring out through the the windshield at nothing in particular." --- It should read "Once I parked in my new home's driveway..."
It's an interesting start to your book. I wish you well with it. The only thing to correct is where it says, Peter Doleman said from the comfort of the customer chair in Liam Yager’s corner office --- You need a period at the end.
Thank you very much for posting this chapter on Michael's perspective. It's a good fast-forward from the previous chapter. Please see below for suggested revisions:
1) Where it says, "This is her first birthday where she understands that impressions are everything amongst her pre-school friends and this is a party that needs to be impressive to her peers." --- It should be "preschool" without the hyphen.
2) Where it says, "I am no fool and realize that Claire is at her wits end with my daughter’s." --- The " 's " is not needed.
3) Where it says, "I must accept that Norah will always look at me with the same green eyes that once light up my life or the smile that greeted me first thing in the morning." --- To be consistent in past tense, it should be "lit" not "light."
4) Where it says, "I know that she has went to pre-school every day to tell her friends that her “Daddy” will be at her party this year." --- For "preschool," see #1. Also, it should be "has gone" instead.
5) Where it says, "This is a subject that she has tip-toed around lightly for the past four years." --- It should be spelled "tiptoed."
6) Where it says, “Happiness is a concept that I am no longerable to grasp. --- Typo: A space is needed between "longer" and "able" here.
7) Where it says, "The paramedic forces open my jammed door and lightly guides me to my feet once he is sure I can walk." --- I think you mean to say, "The paramedic forces open my jammed door and he lightly guides me to my feet once he is sure I can walk."
8) Where it says, The paramedic gives me an uncomfortable looks and says, “Sir, we need to take care of you right now. --- It should be "look."
9) Where it says, "That is where I will sleep tonight since Claire made promise two years ago to not bring my misery home." --- I believe you wanted to say, "That is where I will sleep tonight since Claire made me promise two years ago to not bring my misery home."
I like the slow and steady development of this story so far. It moves at the right pace. Please see below for suggested improvements:
1) Where it says, "It is a different from the darkness that used to live in the depths of those dark eyes." --- I think you mean to say either "It is a little different from the darkness that used to live in the depths of those dark eyes" OR "It is different from the darkness that used to live in the depths of those dark eyes."
2) Where it says, "A moment later Casey and I are in the middle of a waiting room in a hospital, looking at a family occupy a corner in the otherwise silent and empty room One of them is a woman who has dark eyes like Casey, and has her face buried in her hands." --- You forgot a period after "room" and before "One."
3) Where it says, "The ground is covered with fresh fallen snow that comes up to the half-way point on many of the tombstones." --- Typo: this might have been because of word wrap, but it is spelled "halfway."
4) Where it says, "There is a mixture of willows and oaks about the grounds and cast a gloom shadow against the fading evening sun." --- It should be "There is a mixture of willows and oaks about the grounds that cast a gloom shadow against the fading evening sun."
5) Where it says, "I can feel Casey’s heart sink is disappointment." --- It should be "in" instead of "is" here.
6) Where it says, "This is the first time Casey’s has ever contemplated death as a way to end her suffering." --- This should be "Casey" rather than "Casey's" in this case.
7) Where it says, "But with every boxed she packed away I felt her heart break." --- It should be "box" here.
I really like your choice of present tense throughout this story to really bring in the reader more into the moments with Abby. I also like at the end where Michael actually recognizes Abby's soul despite his grief. Please see below for suggested corrections:
1) Where it says, "These past few days have been rough of her, being passed from one set of arms to another." --- I believe you intended to say "These past few days have been rough on her, being passed from one set of arms to another," since "rough of her" sounds a little off.
2) Where it says, "How long will it be before she does not need to familiar feel and scent of me to be comforted?" --- I think you meant to put "How long will it be before she does not need the familiar feel and scent of me to be comforted?" It took a few passes to see that.
3) Where it says, "He felt there was no need for an introduction, like I already knew what he was coming over to the table." --- It should be "He felt there was no need for an introduction, like I already knew why he was coming over to the table."
4) Where it says, "I could only look up stupidly at his as I waited for something to happen." --- It should be instead "I could only look up stupidly at him as I waited for something to happen."
5) Where it says, "This dangerous man was flirting was usually safe, mousy me." --- This should read "This dangerous man was flirting with usually safe, mousy me."
Gosh, this is about as frank as it gets in terms of how someone would feel not knowing any better about the afterlife. Thank you very much for this prologue. I look forward to how this story unfolds. Please see below for a few minor corrections to be made:
1) Where it says, "Through the fog a hand gently close over my own." --- Typo: I am sure you mean to say "closes" here.
2) Where it says, "He sat in front of me in science class and I fell madly in love with in only the way a pre-teen girl can." --- You forgot a word so it says, "He sat in front of me in science class and I fell madly in love with him in only the way a pre-teen girl can."
3) Where it says, Trust me when I say this moment that we stand in’ could not be more real.” --- Typo: the single apostrophe should be removed.
I am so glad I live in Cincinnati where rush hour is not nearly as bad like in Los Angeles or cities in Central/North California where you live. But be careful about alternatives because this streetcar idea in Cincinnati is not only terribly unnecessary, but it will bankrupt the city. Thanks for the poem as always.
It really a beautiful thing to have found your true love (I have found her in my life, too). The line, "Of some wild, woolly, and open terrain" since that reminds me of parts of central California I passed through a few years back.
Where it says, It stood 1500 years until it was destroyed by an earthquake.” --- The double quotes are not needed here. Also, I am assuming you included the edit notes between the history of lighthouses and The Seven Wonders Of The World in error. Other than that, I definitely learned a lot and thanks very much for the history lesson!
It would be amusing if more commercials for places and products were advertised with poems like this. I think I actually would want to go to The San Jose Flea Market after reading this poem, even if I did not live there. Thanks for sharing.
This is a wonderful and heart-breaking story all at once. Thank you very much for posting. The only thing I suggest to revise is where it says, "The world aged as if nothing significant had passed, as if my death was little more than a rippled in an ocean filled with waves." --- Typo: it should be "ripple."
After last season's run, the Warriors became one of my favorites to watch in the NBA (still a Lakers fan at heart, and secretly a Spurs fan as well). Unfortunately, I still don't like their chances to do any better this year. Thanks a lot for posting.
This is the first "slam poetry" piece I have read since I have been on this site. It takes a real strength inside yourself to not only endure but come out on top when situations and people push you to the brink. Thanks very much for putting this so well in this poem.
The only thing I thought of suggesting as an alternative (but not really) is where it says, "Time is a-wasting - do go out and live" in that you could have also said, "Time is a-wasting - so go out and live" in keeping with the somewhat easygoing flow among the verses. However, I understand your intent since you also say "Though lay-offs do hurt, and death truly stings."
Another great free verse poem as usual. This is the challenge for any one of us, for sure. The periods at the end of each of the first two stanzas, in my opinion, can be optional in this case, but I understand your choice here. Thanks very much for posting this here.
It is a mysterious yet somewhat fitting ending to this story. It is as if the young monk wanted to fiercely convey peace to Yuki's troubled soul and succeeded ultimately. Please see below for corrections:
1) Where it says, "She carries on through the gate and hands her crumpled ticked over at the counter." --- Typo: you meant to say "ticket" instead of "ticked."
2) Where it says, "Her face is beautiful, far to pretty to provide pleasant service." --- It should be "too" rather than "to" here.
Also, I suggest to be careful of run-on sentences; instead of overusing commas, try to read aloud what you write after writing it and see if you pause the same as a comma at certain points or longer. If longer, then a period should be used instead.
I take it this is still a work in progress because it sounds unfinished on chapter 2. It is an interesting read, so I hope you continue to write this out. Please see below for suggested revisions:
1) Where it says, "Yuki slips out of her over-sized trench coat and places it neatly inside the locker, along with the heavy winter undergarments she’d wrapped in herself to get there." --- This should read "...wrapped around herself..." instead.
2) Where it says, "She’d tried hard not to notice the bamboo blinds hung on walls to cover it’s moldy growth." --- It should be "its" not "it's" because you are not trying to say "it is moldy growth."
3) Where it says, "One hand smoothly caress’s the upper curve of her leg." --- Typo: the word should be spelled "caresses."
4) Where it says, "For a moment Yuki looses balance, but turns quickly to regain footing." --- The word here is "loses" not "looses."
5) Where it says, "Massageing her scalp she relaxes and begins to forget where she is." --- Typo: it is spelled "massaging."
6) Where it says, "In fact, he only smelt of burbon." --- It is "bourbon" rather than "burbon."
7) Where it says, "He had money, but the hotel he chose was a run down old number owned by an old couple hoping that the lack of maintaince preserved its traditional feel." --- Typo: it is spelled "maintenance."
8) Where it says, "An elegant dragon wraps itself around her left leg, it's tail between her toes." --- Please see #2.
9) Where it says, "A slight twang of jelousy festers itself." --- Typo: it should be "jealousy" instead.
10) Where it says, "Shes now wishing she'd left after the shower." --- It should read "She's" instead (missed apostrophe).
11) Where it says, "But she's dresses quickly and takes her exit via the side entrance." --- You do not need an apostrophe with "she."
12) Where it says, "She wraps herself in blankets waiting for the heat to erupt and breath some warmth into her cold and stale apartment." --- The word should be "breathe" instead of "breath" here.
13) Where it says, "At least at night, she cant see yellow walls painted by years of festering cigar smoke." --- You forgot to put an apostrophe so it says "can't" here.
14) Where it says, "she'd heard that tokyo's expansion had left thousands of landlords unable to fill their investments, and guessed this was one of them." --- Please rewrite to say, "She'd heard that Tokyo's expansion had left thousands of landlords unable to fill their investments, and guessed this was one of them."
This was a nicely simple, concise free verse poem. A lot of times I notice that you tend to paint a more grand picture of such things in your other writings, of which you do a great job, but I found this poem to be a refreshing slight change of pace.
I like how you presented the cold reality of fast food in the second stanza after hilariously promoting it in the first stanza. I thought it was interesting you hyphenated "delightfully-stacked" in the second line of the first stanza to not only refer to the menu, but also as another reference to a fast food item.
Amen to that! What I particularly like about this free verse poem are the shifts from proclaiming God's love to the inspiration you have for life as a result, then to the love you have for your special lady, and at last addressing her directly in that same love as God's ultimate blessing in your life.
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