I definitely like the character development by showing them growing up. I recommend the following:
1) Where it says, "Mason's mind wandered, and he asked himself if the builders of old had constructed the rooms this way to pay a homage to the great shield that covered Arc city," I believe you mean to capitalize "city."
2) Where it says, "Magus Grey slowly moved toward them, the look he gave was a mixture of confusion and annoyance," this is a run-on sentence. You could say "As Magus Grey slowly moved toward them..." since this is probably what you meant to do.
3) Where it says, "He opened the book to the place where he had left off the night before; marked with an old marker that bore the Drax family seal," a comma is needed instead of a semicolon.
I definitely like the ambiguity of the end after your vivid description of the sister she never knew since it does add to the mystery. I can only suggest to improve where it says:
Ready to take off and fly; a free bird.
I am not sure a semicolon works best here since typically it is used to join two related sentences together. I recommend either a comma or colon instead.
A very excellent exposition. I hope you may be able to follow up on this writing by exploring historical and extra-biblical texts in order to present the validity/accuracy of legal/logical proofs that can point to the existence of God, or at the very least, to show He cannot be disproved.
This piece caught my attention from start to finish. Good job. I suggest the following:
1) Where it says, "Sam gave it a week after the advert appeared before driving the three-hundred miles into Shady Creek," and "Sure enough about twenty-minutes out from the homestead, the clouds moved in and the lightning lit up the skyline," you do not need hyphens between the above words.
2) Where it says, "What part of Single males only and No family ties, was difficult to understand?" you can do without capitalizing "single" and "no" as well as the comma.
3) "No family ties, wife, siblings, aging parents; no kids?" Sam queried quietly: you will need a comma instead of a semicolon after "parents."
This is on the verge of being a classic. I only offer the following to suggest for minor improvement:
1) Where it says, "Dallas Police strongly believe the writer of this work is not only the abductor of Lisa Lansing, but the murderer of several women, numerous children and even three police officers," it should read "but also."
2) Where it says, "Diaries" begins in the mid seventies...and moves on through the early nineties (in a later book it comes to present day)," there should be a hyphen between mid and seventies.
A very cute poem. I would suggest the following to improve:
1) Where it says, "Hot Fudge,
Engine Sludge,
Don’t Budge," I do not believe capitalizing the last word of each of these lines is needed as it is not consistent and detracts from the rest of your poem.
2) Where it says, "Dab, Dab here and there," see #1.
Unfortunately, I believe this is a very true assessment of that whole situation and our overall reaction to it in the United States. It is good you chose to write on it, however brief it may be. The only suggestion I have is maybe where it says, "the death of life is a beach," to change it to "the death of life on a beach" since I believe you may have meant to say it that way instead (possible typo).
Overall, this is a well-written poem. To me this piece sounds unfinished for whatever reason. I believe what may help is some kind of transition between the second and third stanzas since the first two stanzas romanticize the plantation life while the third stanza abruptly points out the dark side of this era.
This is easily one of the best starts to a book I have read on this site. I have only a couple of suggestions:
1) Where it says, "Crystal magic was known to be mostly defensive, it could bolster the natural abilities of an arcane to give them strength or focus," this is a run-on sentence. Please either use a semicolon, create a new sentence where it says, "It could bolster...", or say something like "Crystal magic was known to be mostly defensive as it could bolster the natural abilities..."
2) Where it says, "Her family had not been happy, they remained proud and refused to acknowledge the union," this is a run-on sentence. Please either use a semicolon or create a new sentence where it says, "They remained proud..."
I found this piece of writing very touching and heartfelt. The only suggestion I may offer for possible improvement is where you say "For balance, since mine still was terrible after the surgery, I decided to use a walker instead." Instead, it may sound a bit better by saying "Since my balance still was terrible after the surgery, I decided to use a walker."
I like the simplistic and sadly romantic approach in this piece. I suggest the following corrections:
1) Where it says, "It's glow shines down," it should be "Its" as referring to the glow since you would not mean to say "It is glow shines down," of which "It's" is the short form of "It is".
2) Where it says, "and my heart crys out inside," it is spelled "cries."
I like the overall concept of your writing here. I only have a couple of small suggestions:
1) Where it says, "At the approaching sound of crunching snow and laughing boys she had frozen, panic stricken on the slick track," the word panic-stricken usually has a hyphen.
2) Also, where it says "She cart-wheeled through her tragic trajectory, and then landed flat on her back on hard-packed snow with a dull thud," the word cartwheel usually has no hyphen.
I like your overall approach with this in-and-out. I agree that well-written essays are something that you do not find every day. It is a good practice for both established and up-and-coming writers to have a place to express themselves in this way. Good luck and write on!
This is one of the better writing surveys I have filled out on WDC. I appreciate the time and effort you put into this survey as well as the flexibility and neutrality of the questions asked. I hope you find the responses constructive to your overall purpose here. Good luck and write on!
A promising piece of writing overall. I would suggest the following:
-to remove the semicolon in this sentence:"The dock wasn't anything to look at; just some weathered boards nailed together extending some twenty feet over the moribund water." Typically the semicolon is used to join two sentences with related themes. Instead, try using a colon or a conjunction like "The dock wasn't anything to look at BUT just some weathered boards..."
-rather than say "six AM" (improper grammar), say "6 A.M." or "six in the morning"
-"There wasn't any wildlife for him to photograph and the scenery was bland as hell." The phrase "(insert word here) as hell" is overused and in this case, takes away from the overall flow of your piece. Instead, try a different simile such as "bland as birdseed" or "bland as a rice cake."
A fine survey overall. I found your questions rather interesting in that they seemed to lean toward a free will perspective (please correct me if I'm wrong). I believe that free will is limited to one's nature, and that the LORD Himself must change one's nature to expand that free will toward that of true repentance toward a life lived toward eternal things. Blessings, Shaun
I really appreciate the obvious heartfelt expression of your love for your grandmother. This poem balances the longing you still have for her with the joy that you have that she is with God now. Thanks for blessing me with this piece. Simple and sweet.
A wonderfully written poem to Earl's challenge. The only critique I have is to insert a comma between the words where it says, "Quick hide..." Although typically one would use an exclamation mark in such a case, I believe a comma would be more appropriate to preserve the flow of the piece. Well done, though. And write on!
I like this piece, especially how you wove in a healthy mixture of natural and supernatural imagery to describe your undeniable. I suggest the following revisions:
1. Please delete the comma in the phrase, "this rush comes whenever I feel your undeniably, caressing touch," since no comma is needed between an adverb and adjective.
2. Please delete the period in the following:
"still your voice would echo loudly in my mind
Soothing all my pains," since a period is often used to separate unrelated thoughts. However, in this case, the soothing is done by the voice; thus, a period only halts the flow of the piece in this place.
3. Please replace the period after the first sentence with a comma in the following:
"Still no matter where life brings us, or how long our journeys will keep us apart.
I am comforted by the love that keeps us united, forever, and always." This not only will prevent the first part of the sentence from becoming a fragment, but also to complete the entire thought.
I believe these minor revisions should make your piece all but flawless. Excellent job, and write on!
This is a wonderfully descriptive piece. The only things I see to fix are to say "weather-beaten" instead of weather beaten in the phrase, "that overzealously crowd the weather beaten and depleted branch," and to say "one-hundred thirty-five" instead of "one hundred thirty five." Bravo, and write on!
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