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Right now, I am so glad I do not work in an office. The only thing about your poem I thought about noting was the hyphen at the end of the third line in the first stanza as opposed to a colon. But I understand now that it makes perfect sense the way you have it.
A very autobiographical poem, subtly written. However, you are not just talking to yourself when you go on these "vision walks", but you actually are journeying spiritually to the places in your mind using your surroundings as visual triggers. I have done this before. But it is easy to get lost unless you know who you really are.
This poem actually describes a voyage the owner of the company for which I work had a couple of years ago around Antarctica in traveling from South America to South Africa. To him, it was well worth the test of the seas. My dad was a Navy sailor and could attest to your poem. For me, however, I am one to be content going to the beach.
Although generally you are spot on in your poems as to your perspective on different things, I cannot say the same for our bank that my wife and I use locally. We found a couple of the tellers a few weeks ago to be pushy if not implying I was stupid for not switching to a certain new type of account they were promoting based on what I had in my current account. My experience with credit unions is far different, thankfully, and more in line with what you say in your poem.
Yeah, some of the silly macho superstitions surrounding sports are summed up in your poem, especially with the beards, shaved heads, wearing the same uniform without washing, etc. I personally think the only tangible benefit from this nonsense is that it often seems to develop camaraderie among teammates.
Once again, your poem leaves nothing to be desired, so well done, although I did not see much alluded to autumn here. The only thing to correct is where it says, "Sunny times, no sleet and hale." It should be spelled "hail" instead. You can see the differences here: http://www.beedictionary.com/common-errors/hail_vs...
I like the change of tone you have in this poem compared to others, and yet you maintain your unique style. I also like how you touch upon the truth that we as people have to get past the superficial things we allow to hold us back from meaningful communication and possibly important and honest friendship.
Although the constant reminder of our mortality is interwoven throughout, I like the dynamic of this journal entry you shared in terms of using the "lightning strike" to both allude to mortality and to see a spark that can come out of fire. I also like the fervency of you knowing your loved ones as if it were a newly born relationship, then coming full circle so to speak from birth to death at the end. Your mastery of articulating profound thoughts is always something I completely appreciate, and this is another fine example shown here.
I like the whimsical and romantic tone of your poem here, although I admit (sorry for not catching on to this) I do not understand the lines "Driving somewhat seems a bribe, Our dedication to that tribe." Nonetheless, it was a nice read. Thank you very much for sharing.
Please see comments on edit point #1 for typos and run-on sentences to correct. Please see edit point #2 for comments re: run-on sentence and comma needed. On edit point #3, it is more of the same as #2, but also there are other parts in that chapter where you need to put a period after "Mr." Please see edit point #4 for similar comments re: run-on sentence and capitalizing the first word of sentences.
This is overall an intriguing and compelling read. Thanks very much for posting.
Thanks very much for posting this. It is easy to be criticized and/or to get down on one's self for going about love the wrong way and losing innocence as a result. However, there is still a proverbial happy ending as you wonderfully illustrated here.
This is a good preface as far as getting the reader's attention, so good job with that. Please see below for recommended improvements:
1. Where it says, "Some would say this a story of tragic events, some would say that it is a heroic tale, but however you view this story, it is what it is." There should be a period after "tale" and a semicolon between "events" and "some." Of course, after that, please capitalize "but." This way, a run-on sentence can be avoided.
2. Where it says, "This tale of half truths may just explain truths in which many never knew were true." The word "half-truths" should have a hyphen.
If only Mike knew where Chloe's heart was...ouch. This is a good sample, and I hope this book goes well. Please see the below for suggested revisions:
1. Where it says, "It was mid November and at 6pm it had long since grown dark." This should read, "It was mid-November, and at 6pm it had long since grown dark."
2. Where it says, "That ring had been plain and in-expensive but she hadn’t minded." I think you mean to say "inexpensive" here.
I am very sorry for the loss you felt here. You expressed it beautifully. I like the flashbacks to the times where you were with your man and the good love shared as a way of almost fending off the dreariness of the present time. I also like the imagery you use throughout your poem.
This is for sure manipulation through "disappointment" in seemingly subtle, yet awful ways over time. You did well to really keep this simple but articulate along with your rhyme scheme. The line that stood out to me was "to kill with cuts of a thousand insults," which really summed up this poem.
Thank you so much for posting this. With the blantantly deliberate dumbing down of the masses by way of modern media for sinister reasons, no doubt it will not get any better for grammar or the English language. The only suggestion I might have is at the end to say "and that, when combined, make better sense." I think the emphasis in this day and age should be picking the right "pretty" words to say at the right time to the right audience to "make better sense."
I can only imagine such a writer falling asleep at the desk, journal open, or having the journal on the nightstand while this is happening. For me, most times I woke up early in the morning and started writing until it was complete. This is a perfectly written poem with no improvement needed.
Although generally this kind of poetic form tends to be overdone, written badly and without inspiration more times than not from what I have read, your poem here is a classic heartwarming "Mother Goose" type of piece. The only thing I see to fix is a typo where it says, "when monsters are crawling, making a din.." The extra period should be removed.
Isn't this the truth as part of the daily grind of work? I particularly like the last stanza as far as "managing that mood...Amid the shameless rest." Sometimes you still simmer even when you are on a break, and it can take a lot for you to refocus. Thanks very much for posting.
This is a perfectly written poem from what I see. I particularly like how the last line of each stanza both follows and summarizes the lines above it, as well as leading into the next stanza. I also like the symbolism of autumn as far as a season of both longing for the past of a loved one gone (the leaves falling off the trees) but having enjoyed those beautiful times with that loved one, just like how beautiful the leaves and nature is when their colors change during the fall.
This is a fine start to your sci-fi themed book, although very sinister for sure. Please see below for recommended improvements:
1. Where it says, “Never underestimate OD, he's even better than myself at anticipating the system requirements.” Please replace the comma with either a semicolon or period to avoid a run-on sentence.
2. Where it says, “Deception parameters, I'll have to think about that” You need a period at the end here.
3. Where it says, “My name is Beatrice Mr. Transk." A comma should be used after "Beatrice" so it does not sound as if that is one whole name.
4. Where it says, "Stark white stone floors and walls at frist gave it a sterile feel." Typo: "first" instead of "frist."
5. Where it says, "“Actually the planning of the palace took considerable longer than its construction." The word should be "considerably" instead of "considerable" since an adverb is to be used to describe the adjective "longer."
6. Where it says, “As you wish. The table has access disks if you wish to read or view anything at all while you wait. - Quotes should be added at the end of this sentence.
7. Where it says: Beatrice made no motion whatever but replied, “It will be here in a few moments Mr. Transk.” The word here should be "whatsoever" not "whatever."
8. Where it says, "It was slightly larger than a real cat and walking on it's hind legs. It carried a gilded cup and saucer in it's right paw. " The word "its" as a possessive should be used here instead of "it's" as a contraction.
9. Where it says, "Your DNA pattern has been my top priority search ever sense I was informed that you were infected." Typo: "since" not "sense."
10. Where it says, "Taking this path would him both, at least in his own eyes." I think you mean to say "Taking this path would make him both, at least in his own eyes."
11. Where it says, "Your political opponents can only attack you on the basis of the plague and they mystery of its genius is no fault of your own.” Typo: "the" not "they."
12. Where it says, “If its any consolation I've had the DNA markers for your immediate family added to my watch list.” Here you need the contraction "it's" rather than the possessive "its."
13. Where it says, “I expect the scope change within a week but lets not wait any longer on the Daniels match." Typo: "let's" not "lets."
14. Where it says, "Pickup the pace on this one." Typo: "Pick up" not "Pickup."
I completely agree that it is much better to remember Valentine's Day with a personal display of your heart to your special someone without having to spend a penny. I could not find anything in this poem that needs to be corrected.
Dan, unfortunately it is only a matter of time before our 2nd Amendment is completely nixed. That is the only thing keeping the United States from turning into a complete socialist police state, currently disguised as a "democracy," which is foolish to say since "technically" the U.S. is a republic.
Thanks very much for the knowledge and writing this poem. I did not know about the tiger being hunted to produce an aphrodisiac as well. Unfortunately, there are the few elites who only wish to make money and control everything, regardless of the consequences to others and the environment; this is simply a by-product of that garbage.
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