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Review of Two Lovebirds  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is the type of beautifully idealistic, half free-verse, half rhyming poetry I first started writing when I was in college. This is the way love should be. I love this poem so much that I have now added it to my list of favorites.

Good luck and write on!
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102
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this poem, although it is curious that you picked "The Children of Scorn" as your title. Please pardon my ignorance, but can you please explain what exactly the title means? In other words, how are they being scorned (as in, by the "dog eat dog world")?

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Keep on Wishin’  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.5)
Although this is written fine, I do not see any reference to bowling whatsoever, which is rather odd. Even if it were just one or two words or phrases that are related to bowling, it would be better than having a more generic poem.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
This sounds like a poem that would work especially for Little League baseball, pee wee football, and other sports with youth involved. Sometimes it is too easy to get caught up in winning and losing and forget the real love of the game, whatever that may be. Thanks for sharing this.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how you try to capture the essence of each stage of a person's life in this poem with a detailed examination in each part. I think it is a real tribute to your writing skill as to how well you put yourself in each of your poems.

Good luck and write on!
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106
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a pretty interesting story you have developing. I can really see quite a few chapters more, and several different places you can take this. Please see below for suggestions to improve:

1. (Preface) Where it says, "Flipping through the delicate pages she stopped at se-cond Timothy." This should be "Second Timothy."

For Chapter 1-

2. Where it says, "After years of jogging she no longer had to concentrate on keeping the pattern, it came naturally." To avoid a run-on sentence, please either use a semicolon in place of the comma or insert a transition word such as "because" or "since" after the comma.

3. Where it says, "She had started about six years ago when she was sev-enteen." I am guessing the hyphen in "sev-enteen" is because of where one line ended on your original draft and where the next line started. There are other places in this story where this occurs, just so you know, but I did not it practical to list every single one of them here.

4. Where it says, "She could feel the hot sticky air on her face and smell the exhaust fumes of the backed of taxi cars lining the streets." I believe you meant to put "backs" rather than "backed."

5. Where it says, "Its’ construction was finished back in 1937, and sixty-nine years later it was one of the most internationally recog-nized symbols of the USA." You do not need the ' after "Its."

6. Where it says, "She had prayed about it several times since last night. Hoping it had been a random occurrence." There should be a comma instead of the first period, and "hoping" should not be capitalized to prevent a fragment.

7. Where it says, "She had thanked God continually for this opportunity; as she did now for the beautiful sunset displayed before her." You do not need a semicolon here, but only a comma.

8. Where it says, "On her way home she prayed for a good night’s sleep; hoping desperately that her night wouldn’t be interrupted again with persistent memories." Please see #7.

9. Where it says, "Addison spent half of the next day looking through old copies of SF Weeky, the local San Francisco newspaper." I think you wanted to put "SF Weekly" here.

10. Where it says, "Bur she didn’t want to offend anyone and seem un-grateful for this job by not knowing anything about it." I believe you intended to say "But."

11. Where it says, "Guys wasn’t one of the hurtles they had come to yet since Heather had started changing her life around." I think you meant to say "hurdles" here.

For Chapter 2-

12. Where it says, "The exterior was covered in reflective glass windows that displayed of all its’ surroundings." Please see #5.

13. Where it says, "Stepping just beyond the constricting walls, she caught her breath; the scene was breath taking." The word is spelled "breathtaking."

14. Where it says, ""The view; It's the most beautiful I've ever seen." You do not need to capitalize "it's."

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once again, thank you very much for honoring not only our military, but also anyone for fights for our freedoms with this wonderfully crafted poem. Thank you also for recognizing fully exactly Who enables those heroes to continue keeping our freedom.

Good luck and write on!
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108
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an intelligently constructed poem. Thank you very much for posting. I definitely like the flow and your use of commas and general punctuation. I particularly like the intricate way you connect these different facets of nature as a whole.

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Daydream  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am glad you wrote the "Kidnap" story as a sort of happy ending and follow up to this chapter. You do well to express the torment of loneliness and wishing for love to have happened between two people only to not. The only thing I might suggest is perhaps either "..." or a period to end the third to last line of your piece here.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I consider it an honor to be a fan of yours now. Please see below for suggested improvement:

1. Where it says, "If we slowed down or stopped, he would stand up, take a few steps forward, and stare at us with a look that would make the hair on the back of our necks stand up." I am sure you intended to say "hairs" instead.

2. Where it says, "They always have their sleeves rolled up, you'll notice that they're forearms are all corded muscle, and they have hands as big as hams." I believe you meant to put "their" rather than "they're" because it would not make sense to say "they are forearms."

3. Where it says, "Those darn alpaca's." I think you meant to say "alpacas."

For the Marines' sake, you should capitalize "marine."

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Blood Demon  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Great use of the word "miasma" since that is a new one on me. The only suggestions I have for improvement are below:

1. In the intro where it says, "Created to destroy existance, evil and good alike shall fall at her feet." It should be spelled "existence."

2. In the story where it says: As I swung my arm to behead the last Dark One, he whispered “you’ll never know the peace of death.” --- There should be a comma after "whispered" and "You'll" should be capitalized.

Good luck and write on!
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Review of "Oak Orchard "  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the slow but detailed development in this chapter. Please see below for corrections:

1. Where it says, "She stood about 5'5, brown hair, brown eyes, and well endowed." It should be 5'5" instead.

2. Where it says, "She was a bit of a control freak, which in my ming led to her divorce." I think you meant to say "mind."

3. Where it says, "It could be who lost there job, who was pregnant and by whom, which cottage got broke into over the winter, and what had been stolen." The word should be "their" not "there."

4. Where it says, "The bathroom located to the right of the kitchen, was adequate, in that it had a tub, toilet, and vanity, with plenty of room to maneuver." The first two commas should be removed so the flow of this sentence is more natural.

5. Where it says, "In fact, there siting against one wall, were a sorry looking pair of old Whirlpool, washer and dryer." I believe you meant to put "sitting" and "was" instead of "were." Also, Whirlpools should be plural.

6. Where it says, "We creep cautiously up the stairs." It should be "crept" since the rest of your chapter is in past tense.

7. Where it says, "And another price for the painting" She said authoritatively as I looked away again in deep thought about the dimensions of the upstairs. --- There should be a comma after "painting" and "she" should not be capitalized.

8. Where it says, "I did not want to headache of running back and forth looking for materials, in an area I was not familiar with." I am thinking you intended to say "the" instead of "to."

9. Where it says, I will be back in an hour, is that alright with?" I am sure you meant to put "you" at the end.

10. Where it says, "Not only that, they used what ever materials they could get their hands on." You probably intended to put "whatever" instead.

11. Where it says, "So if the framing is not, sixteen inches on center, which is code and the way construction is today, then the dry wall has nothing to nail to when you get to the ends, and that means you have to add studs or you end up with a lot of extra cuts and waste, which translates into money! --- Quotes are needed at the end.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This story was hilarious and heartwarming. It is always a pleasure reading and reviewing your writing. The only thing I suggest to correct is where it says, "People often talk about love as a feeling in the pit of our stomach’s resembling the fluttering of thousands of butterflies." It should be "stomachs" instead.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
As always, a funny Andy Rooney style observation in everyday life. Please see below for suggested improvement:

1. Where it says, "Sitting up, and still slightly disoriented, I looked around and saw my familiar living room, my comfortable and rumpled couch, and my dog, Chase still sleeping and snoring gently as he lay in his favorite spot." You do not need the last comma.

2. Where it says, "I'm sorry sir, but unless you can instantly produce that five-thousand square foot system of advanced solar panels, power invertors, absorbed glass mat storage batteries, the new and improved support structure, and that amazing and wondrous green technology, then I'm not interested." The word is spelled "inverters."

3. Where it says, "Why do you, not only, not confront people who knock at the front door, but often turn the knob, open the door, and wag your tail as they rub behind your ears?" The commas around "not only" should be dropped since there is no natural pause there.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thanks very much for posting. Please see below for recommendations to improve:

1. Where it says, "Within seconds of beaming down, the glory point Prell had spoken of before was mute, as Brid was knocked to the ground by a huge, green and brown creature with a long beak full of razor-sharp teeth, and a wingspan of at least fifty meters." The word to be used here is "moot" not "mute."

2. Where it says, "The planets predators must have evolved to utilize gliding to snare pray." It should be "planet's" not "planets" and "prey" instead of "pray."

3. Where it says, "Dispite the extreme heat and humidty, he felt a cold chill run down his spine." The word should be "Despite" rather than "Dispite" and "humidity" not "humidty."

4. Where it says, "The female, seeing the Pern raiding party; charged, traversed the clearing in an instant, took two, full power stuns to the chest without slowing down, and took Kreul the new second in command’s head off with one swipe of a huge hand." You can replace the semicolon with a comma because a semicolon is not needed here.

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Kidnap  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like how well the desperate, yet calculated approach to romanticism in this piece is described, even though it is about kidnapping. Please see the below as suggestions to improve:

1. Where it says, "It was a revelation, an epiphany, a true eureka moment for me, that left me shaken in it's intensity." The word should be "its" instead of "it's" since you do not mean to say "it is intensity."

2. Where it says, "Then you had to go," I think it would be best to have a period because there is more of a pause there than just a comma.

3. Where it says, "You recognise me behind the wheel of the car and look confused for a moment, then I see a flash of anger cross your face before the expression is wiped clean and in it's place, just coldness." Please see #1.

4. Where it says, "for f*cks sake, Myra!" Please capitalize "For."

5. Where it says, "Lifting a bottle of water form the front passenger seat, I open it, take a mouthful myself, and hold it to your lips." I think you mean to say "from" instead of "form."

6. Where it says, "Consider yourself lucky that I didn't pull down your shorts first." Note the double quotes at the end, which is what you are missing in your original sentence.

7. Where it says, "I will not allow you to give up me either." I am sure you intended to say "give me up" instead.

Also, although I understand you have a certain flow to this novella, you do have several run-on sentences that should be corrected with appropriate transition words such as "and," "but," etc., use a semicolon, or break up into more than one sentence. I realize that run-on sentences are easy to allow in longer writings since as writers, it is so easy for us to get completely caught up in the story.

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Love Close Up  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this poem so much I have added it to my favorities list, and that is a rare occasion. I definitely appreciate you sharing this with us. The only thing I recommend to correct is where it says "Euphorious" since I do not see that as an actual word when I looked it up. I would suggest using either "Euphoric" or "Euphoriant."

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Confidence  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
As usual, a great poem centered about something or someone by which it is articulated brilliantly. I would only suggest where it says, "Stop in hesitation?" to maybe reword as "Does it stop in hesitation?" to possibly improve the flow given the lines immediately before and after start the same way and is consistent in tense with other parts of the poem.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a rather informative article, so thank you for sharing. Please see below for corrections:

1. Where it says, "In almost all ancient Nigerian communities, if a commits adultery with another man's wife, he was asked o pay serious damages to the husband." I think you meant to say, "...if a man commits adultery..." and "...he was asked to pay..."

2. Where it says, "in more extreme cases, b both is stoned to death." It should read "both are stoned to death."

3. Where it says, "Any how the woman or man has to confess and have their sins forgiven. In those days proper ritual baths (ablution) will be performed for the 'sinners' before the could enter the holy (sacred shrine) of the ancestors" This should read "Anyhow...before they could enter..." Also, a period is needed at the end.

4. Where it says, "Whole Soninke in "The Lion and The Jewel" displayed that if a young girl is defiled, he had to succumbed to his defiler and settle down, thus Sidi , the village belle, left Lakunle's advances and settled in Baroka's harem." This should be said as either "had succumbed" or "had to succumb."

5. Where it says, "Stories are legion; no spelt out punishments are stated." It should say "Stories are legend; no spelled out punishments are stated."

Good luck and write one!
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Review of American Suffrage  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is perfectly written, and I definitely learned a lot more about this part of history than a history book merely mentioned. Please see below for suggested improvements:

1) Nora wants to be a suffragist, her fiance doesn't like it too much. ---A period will do here rather than a comma.

2) The sun became shy and hid behind a few clouds. Nora rose to stand beside Jackson, gazing out at the city's denizen. ---I believe you meant to say "denizens" as the next sentence refers to people, not just a person.

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Heaven and Hell  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
Regardless of which version of this poem, once again this is well-written. I am reviewing the metered version. I am curious why you picked "react" in the second-to-last line of the metered version compared to "respond." I think "respond" conveys a more personal feeling compared to "react."

Good luck and write on!
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Review of The Cowhand  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.5)
I definitely like this story a lot. Please see below for improvement:

1) Cowhands love of nature is stiffed by an injury. ---The word should be "Cowhand's."

2) The wood on the fire burned in the open field making sharp pops and cracks in the air, as long licks of its flame both lit the terrain, while fanning the early night sky above in it’s warmth. The indigo blue heavens above the range revealed the universe, a single star at a time as the Earth, cooling, seemed to sigh, letting the days energy go in a gentle relieving breeze. ---The phrase should read "in its warmth," as well as "letting the day's energy go."

3) Two stood over him while one, on knees, tended to the fallen cow hands injuries. ---I think you meant to say "cowhand's."

4) The third hand an older man having left city life long ago, worked with much experience to dress the injuries of the young hand. ---There should be a comma so it reads "The third hand, an older man having left city life long ago..."

5) “I’m’ going to count to three.” ---Please remove the apostrophe after "I'm."

6) Ok boy, it will just take a second…on three. ---Quotes are needed here.
7) Three! ---Please see #6.
8) Even with the local anesthetic, the young mans body yanked back in a spasm that nearly threw Longbow off his chest. ---It should read "the young man's body."

9) The old man finished applying the splint to his leg and then wrapping his bruised wrist sat back and asked. ---Commas are needed to say "and then, wrapping his bruised wrist, sat back and asked,..."

10) See anyone yet John? ---Please see #6.

11) All was quiet, No one spoke. ---This should read instead "All was quiet; no one spoke."

12) “You’ll see a doctor soon. You’ll be alright son.” Said the old man as the faint egg beater sound of the company chopper grew near. ---This should read "You'll be alright son," said the old man..."

13) “Your welcome.” ---I think you intended to say "You're welcome."

14a) Longbow glanced at the old man and smiles. ---Since the rest of your story is in past tense, you may want to say "smiled" instead.

15) We’ll for a few months he’ll be free from work.” ---I wonder if you meant to say "Well" rather than "We'll."

14b) John then asks, “What did he say to you?” ---Please see 14a. You should consider saying "asked" rather than "asks."

16) The old man laid his head down and said, Oh, Just that…, he’ll be back. ---Please correct to say "...and said "Oh, just that...he'll be back."

Good luck and write on!
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Review of Visitor  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Yes, I definitely relate to the mood in this poem that comes from having to deal with a rude presentation of a false Christianity. But at least you are a good enough sport to have perused through the propaganda. Thank you very much for posting here.

Good luck and write on!
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Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah yes, the fortune cookie: easily the most overrated part of a Chinese restaurant. I am not one to play the lottery as I do not believe in games of chance, but does anyone know if any lottery numbers found on a fortune cookie ever resulted in that person winning a lottery of any kind? To me, the writers of fortunes in fortune cookies must have been rejected by Hallmark:)

Good luck and write on!
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125
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Your POV writing is superb. If you want, you easily could expand this into a book. This short story would make an interesting movie to watch. It is like reading Mark Twain on crystal meth after watching one too many horror movies.

Good luck and write on!
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