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126
126
Review of Word You  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a poem that, unless you have at least a strong desire if not deep understanding and appreciation for all things related to language and general expression through words, some people may just not get it or care. Thanks as always for posting.

Good luck and write on!
127
127
Review of Steve Begins  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like this heart-to-heart story, especially the ending. This could be really good. It would be help for you to read aloud each sentence after you write a story and see where you pause naturally; there you can determine where either commas or other forms of punctuation are needed. I will email you a useful link to help you with your grammar. Please see the following to improve:

1) Rushing up the stairs and ignoring her, was first, on his heart, as it skipped a beat. ---Only the last comma is needed.

2) "Yeah, Mom... it's me" ---A period should end this sentence.

3) You’re grown now, out stealing cars, are you? ---Please see #1.

4) Why did you and, that bum of a friend, of yours..." ---No comma is needed here.

5) "Steve? Steven, are you listening to me?"

Snatched from his private lament, I said

"Yes Mama?"

"What did your father tell you to do?”

---Please note how the above for #5 is written.

6) "Joel--(the police chief and family friend) isn't going to make a big deal out it. It’s his first offence, and all. There was no property damage and the car was un-scratched, Thank God" ---It should read "out of it," no comma is needed in the second sentence, and a period should be used to end the last sentence.

7) "God... what are you going to do?” She asks. ---The word "she" should not be capitalized here.

8) Steve knowing his dad, pokes for a soft spot. ---A comma is needed after "Steve."

9) "So, lets go eat. ---It should be "let's" which is short for "let us."

Good luck and write on!
128
128
Review by Stallion
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a very cute story, and I appreciate you posting this. Please see below for corrections:

1) I think she weighs around fifty five pounds now. ---A hyphen is needed for "fifty-five."

2) I probably looked like some kind of strange two headed floating monster and might have badly frightened women and small children. ---A hyphen is needed for "two-headed."

3) At that moment I wasn’t regretting the idea at all, in fact I was fairly happy about it. ---To avoid this run-on sentence, please try a period or semicolon in place of the comma.

4) Slowly I was rising up out of the water like some kind of demented two headed monster with a fly rod and bad language. ---Please see #2.

5) When I reached a spot where I could stand flat footed and breathe at the same time I was ready to shake Chena off of me so that I could get at her throat, but before I could she let go and started swimming along side of me again. ---A hyphen is needed for "flat-footed."

6) Earlier I mentioned those bear like claws for a reason, they are sharp and thick and strong and can leave you bleeding if you are wearing shorts. ---Please see #3.

7) I was so tired that I was moving along at a snails pace now, but she was pushing against the water with her entire body and I was only up to my knees. ---An apostrophe is needed for "snail's."

8) , I couldn’t believe it, she looked like she hadn’t done a blasted thing all day. ---Please remove the comma in front of "I" and change the last comma to either a semicolon or period to prevent a run-on sentence here.

9) They hit the water and immediately made the smartest move I had seen all day, they crossed the river to the shallow side and then headed upstream, where the current pushes you back home after you get tired. ---Instead of the first comma, I suggest either a colon or "---."

Good luck and write on!
129
129
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is one of those stories that should be on The Hallmark Channel in some way; thank you very much for sharing. All of the below have run-on sentences in them, so I would suggest either a semicolon or period in place of a comma, or maybe a transition word (i.e. "so"). Also, there are a few words (well-hydrated and well-fed for instance) that should have hyphens in between.

"We have had our two Grandsons with us most of this summer, they are here now."

"Cade can’t sit still long enough to fish, he has to be chasing dragonflys or something equally serious all the time."

"She will grab a stick or a ball and play keep away from them, dancing just out of their reach as they try to out speed and out maneuver her to take away whatever object she is teasing them with, she always ends up letting them catch her, but she only does so out of courtesy; and only when they are just about to give up."

"They are well hydrated and well fed and seem to have an endless supply of popsicles and cool aid, Grandma sees to that, but other than a slight sheen and damp hair they don't seem to perspire."

Good luck and write on!
130
130
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I like how you continue to keep this fantasy novel moving. Please see below for corrections:

1) “You don’t have to, no matter what he reports,” Torquin said “I’ll back you up with the Magister.” ---A period is needed after "Torquin said."

2) He had no talent for talking to the slow witted. ---There should be a hyphen for "slow-witted."

3) It’s crystal roof had long since fallen in and the pool was now a dark, moss covered pond at its centre. ---The word "Its" should be used since it is possessive of "crystal roof," not "It's" as in "It is crystal roof..."

Good luck and write on!
131
131
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you very much for posting this, and I wish you the best. Please see below for revisions:

1) The others had a glow to them, if you looked at them the right way, as if they’d been dipped in silverwater – little sparkles of it clung to them. ---A semicolon should be used in place of the first comma.

2) No-one can take that away from you.” ---The hyphen should be removed.

No-one must know who I am, and if you call me Shehzadi and someone overhears…” ---Please see #2.

Good luck and write on!
132
132
Review of A Leap of Faith  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very beautiful and touching story, so thank you very much for sharing. Please see below for a few minor corrections:

Part One

He brought her flowers; something in season. ---I think you probably could go with a comma here instead.

Part Two

She wore a mask and goggles snd was laughed at. ---Typo: "and."

Part Three

She would look up there and knew someday she would be at the top, she smiled thinking about catching a star. ---A transition word should be used after the comma to prevent a run-on sentence.

'Dear God Is this how it all ends? Please let it be fast and not much pain.' ---Typo: "is" should not be capitalized here.

Part Four

Beth announced, "'I can learn to love sports”. ---Typo: Single apostrophe should be removed.

Grandma asked questions so sweetly and discreetly, Beth just answered truthfully. ---Either a transition word after the comma, semicolon, or period should be used here.

Part Five

He showered Mom with compliments about everything, her beauty, cooking and her eye for five card stud. ---I recommend either a colon or semicolon in place of the first comma.

Good luck and write on!
133
133
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great reminder about safeguarding you and your privacy on the internet, not to mention just using common sense. I am not one to give out personal information online, although a few years ago on occasion I did make the mistake of giving out my personal cell phone number for websites in which I was truly interested. Fortunately, I do not get those "random" calls like I used to.

Good luck and write on!
134
134
Review of The Promise  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very touching poem, and I am glad you shared it here. The only places I see to improve are here:

1) I had seem him in the park, ---I think you meant "seen" rather than "seem."

2) I wish I could have been so strong, ---This is the only line in the last stanza with verbs to form a contraction that does not have a contraction. Based on the flow of this stanza, I suggest revising to "I wish I could've been so strong," instead.

Good luck and write on!
135
135
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
I would not have thought it possible for someone to have this kind of analytical yet poetic approach toward a sport, much less a sport such as bowling. You pull this off perfectly. I especially like your variety of ways to describe different aspects of being a bowler.

Good luck and write on!
136
136
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As someone with an Irish heritage, I found this story rather intriguing. I suggest the below to revise:

1) In the evenings the chosen ones rest in peace enfolded in it's wings. ---This should be "its" since this word is possessive of "wings," not "it is wings."

2) Richard is next to me and I pull a piece of fresh warm bread, carefully place it inside his cheek so my fingers brush the warm soft flesh of him. ---This should read either "...and carefully place it inside his cheek," or "...carefully placing it inside his cheek" to prevent this sentence from sounding choppy.

Good luck and write on!
137
137
Review of The Hunter  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very interestingly mysterious piece, and I thank you much for sharing. The only suggestion I can even offer for improvement is where it says, "That he is a hunter we seem to forget--," since I do not think you need both the dashes and comma.

Good luck and write on!
138
138
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a wonderful story that I am glad you actually experienced for yourself. Thank you very much for sharing this with all of us. The simplicity and effective use of punctuation really brings out the best in this writing.

Good luck and write on!
139
139
Review of Exasper  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an interesting analogy you use here, with a twist at the end of the empty boat anchored. To me, this is a classic "daydream your life away and be oblivious to your much lesser reality" type of piece. The only thing to correct is where it says: "How nice,” I breath again, feeling serene enough; it should be "breathe" instead.

Good luck and write on!
140
140
Review of The Chase  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is a very heart-warming and enjoyable read. I appreciate you sharing this. Please see below:

1) They loved the dog, but his growing size and boundless energy were becoming too much for them handle. ---It should read "...for them to handle."

2) We were soon entertained by his antics as in a blur of light brown fur he proceeded to run in circles, sprint up and down the stairs and leap on and off of the furniture. ---I think you meant to say "We were soon entertained by his antics in a blur of light brown fur as he proceeded to run in circles..."

3) It turns out that his name is Chase, he's seven months old and is a cross between a Golden Retriever and a German Shepherd. ---A period is needed after "Chase."

4) As Chase settled into his new surroundings we began to learn a few other things about are new puppy. ---I am sure you intended to say "our" instead of "are."

5) I laughed to myself as I quietly whispered; ---There should be a comma instead of a semicolon.

Good luck and write on!
141
141
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is a charming and wonderful love story, and I am glad you wrote it. Please see the following for revision:

1) Sent on a special train from Detroit, there was everything you could want to see, from the new ‘Model 18’ with its super V-8, the Deluxe Duce Coups, the four door ‘Super Deluxe Victoria’, there was the Lincoln KA V12 the best selling Luxury car and the new personal truck line. ---The last part of the sentence should say, "...and there was the Lincoln KA V12 the best selling Luxury car and the new personal truck line."

2) It brought the board of directors, the plant managers, and the design people, as well. ---There is no comma needed at the end of the sentence.

3) He handed him several loose pieces of paper with hand written notes and drawings. Saying, “This is the layout, I would like the cars put in.” ---A comma should be used instead of a period after "drawings."

4) So that is why Joe was there he and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted, every car was positioned perfectly and polished showing off their bright colors. ---I suggest a period after "was there" and a semicolon between "wanted" and "every" to prevent a run-on sentence.

5) As they stood there, basking in the bright-reflected sunlight. A cloud moved and changed the sunbeams’ path, it moves from them to the building next-door. ---This should read, "As they stood there basking in the bright-reflected sunlight, a cloud moved and changed the sunbeam's path, moving from them to the building next door."

6) Vi, sent a cunning smirk towards her coworker and said, “You are as crazy as a bed bug,” ---You do not need a comma after "Vi" and a period should end this sentence.

7) Rolling her eyes Vi said, “And where is someone the likes of you, going to get a car that doesn’t even go on sale until next month.” ---This should read "Rolling her eyes, Vi said, “And where is someone the likes of you going to get a car that doesn’t even go on sale until next month?”

8) “Sure, but only if it’s a white one, I don’t care for black?” Vi snickered to herself, she knew there were no white cars parked on her block; she felt herself safe to accept this brash Dutchman’s advances. ---This should read “Sure, but only if it’s a white one. I don’t care for black,” Vi snickered to herself. She knew there were no white cars parked on her block; she felt herself safe to accept this brash Dutchman’s advances.

9) “Johnny, You think I was kidding, but that’s the girl I am going to marry,” ---This should read “Johnny, you think I was kidding, but that’s the girl I am going to marry.”

10) “You know, she may be right, I think you have been up to long, or perhaps you really are going crazy.” ---It should be "too" instead of "to."

11) “Oh, sit down and eat you fool.” She would say as she replaced yesterdays' flower in the vase over her sink. ---This should read “Oh, sit down and eat you fool,” she would say as she replaced yesterday's flower in the vase over her sink.

12) Violets’ father passed in 1945; the alcohol finally caught up with him. ---It should be "Violet's" rather than "Violets'."

13) Forty-seven years and three months from their wedding, on January 2nd, Joe was ill, he woke in the night unable to bear the pain in his shoulder. ---A semicolon should be in place of the comma after "ill."

13) Vi rode with, but on the way, Joe’s heart stopped. The medics plied their trade; they gave shots and shocks. ---This should read "Vi rode with them, but on the way, Joe’s heart stopped. The medics applied their trade; they gave shots and shocks."

14) Vi skipped her breakfast and worked in her yard to finish before it got to hot. ---Please see #10.

15) Vi, peddled back home; the Florida days were still very warm. ---You do not need a comma here.

16) She was sweating and exhausted, she laid on the couch. ---This should read "As she was sweating and exhausted, she laid on the couch."

17) She looked at Joe’s picture hanging on the wall, she said to him, “Ok, I’ve been waiting, won’t you come get me tonight?” ---This should read "As she looked at Joe’s picture hanging on the wall, she said to him, “Ok, I’ve been waiting, won’t you come get me tonight?”

18) She stared at the mirror trying to see through its mist, a figure moved closer, her eyes opened wide with anticipation, she was hoping for a miracle. ---This should read "When she stared at the mirror trying to see through its mist, a figure moved closer, and her eyes opened wide with anticipation. She was hoping for a miracle."

19) Then as if struck by lightning, the realization came, and she understood, She finally recognized the face staring back at her, The reflection in the mirror was her own. ---This should read "Then as if struck by lightning, the realization came, and she understood. She finally recognized the face staring back at her; the reflection in the mirror was her own."

20) She reached out touching the mirror, as she did she found herself transported to the other side. ---Please insert to say "...and as she did she found herself transported to the other side" to avoid a run-on sentence.

21) A perfect vision, she was an Angel, peacefully sleeping on her sofa, the sun beamed through the window setting her a glow with shafts of golden light. ---This should read "A perfect vision, she was an Angel, peacefully sleeping on her sofa' the sun beamed through the window setting her aglow with shafts of golden light."

Good luck and write on!
142
142
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a brilliantly descriptive and sad account written here. Thank you very much for posting. I particularly find effective the chaotic imagery that really brings out the awful condition your mother suffered. I am sorry your mother and your family went through this.

Good luck and write on!
143
143
Review of Pluto’s Rock  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I appreciate you sharing this story, so thank you very much. I have only a few suggestions to improve:

1) At the Star-Jumper he could never do that, the place was usually packed and some intoxicated local or drunken inner-planet tourist would knock it down, but here the place was empty. ---A semicolon should be used instead of the first comma to prevent a run-on sentence.

2) At the time it wasn’t against the law to go Amenta and not many people had heard of Amenta and its robots. ---I think you meant to say "to go to Amenta" instead of just "to go Amenta."

3) It’s not quite up to speck but will work for a while, at least three or four trips. ---It should be "spec" as short for "specifications," as opposed to "speck" which refers to a spot or small amount of something.

Good luck and write on!
144
144
Review of Mourning Showers  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I see again how you have done well in developing a concept within a short story. Please see below to correct:

1) Joanna sits on the porch after getting home from her parents funeral. ---I believe you meant to put an apostrophe after "parents" here.

2) The smell of rain usually made her want to lay on the sofa with the windows open as she enjoyed a cup of coffee and a good book. ---It should be "lie" instead of "lay" unless you say "The smell of rain usually made her want to lay herself on the sofa."

Good luck and write on!
145
145
Review of Let Go  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this piece a lot as far as how you find a simple and effective way to describe letting go in this story. Please see below for improvement:

1) He had a wide grin with perfect white teeth and his eyes as blue as the sky; his hair dark brown. ---A comma will do in place of the semicolon.

2) As she headed back to the bus, she noticed several of the other passengers making small talk; one pair even flirting. ---Please see #1.

Also, is there a particular reason the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph is all in present tense? I am not saying there is anything wrong with it, since it actually seems to work well here. But typically, at least most of a short story from what I have observed usually is written in one verb tense.

Good luck and write on!
146
146
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is definitely a classic story in the making. I suggest the following to correct:

1) I admire the moon's seductive appearance as it contrasts itself against the ink-black starless sky, it's naked form exposed to the city's effulgence. ---The word should be "its" not "it's."

2) The breeze and waves gently rolling over one another, putting a distance to the jarring traffic and low bass pumping through the downtown area of clubs, easing my nerves with the sea's hypnotic song. ---You should change "rolling" to "roll" to make a complete sentence.

3) She faces toward the ocean with a stillness I've never witnessed in another person, the wind picks up tendrils of her long dark hair and blows them about her face. ---I suggest inserting "as" before "the wind" so you do not have a run-on sentence.

4) "Why is that,"; I wonder aloud. ---A question mark should come after "that," and you do not need a semicolon here.

5) "Thomas's patient had a daughter and she was beautiful. ---It is only an apostrophe needed after "Thomas."

6) I contemplate Thomas's fortune to have such a beautiful and kind woman as a wife. ---Please see #5.

Good luck and write on!
147
147
Review of The Tenant of 306  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is one of those stories that I think could continue for some time. Please see the below suggestions:

1) As the machine spit the last of the fresh coffee into it’s pot, he pulled the pot off the heating plate and poured a portion of its contents into an over-sized corporate-advertisement mug. ---Please change from "it's" to "its."

2) Gemma quickly dodged passed Adam as he lunged to block her from the bedroom. ---It should be "past" not "passed."

3) What she thought was Travis soaking in the bath tub had revealed itself to be an over-sized teal comforter stuffed and wrapped tightly around a skinny corpse, it's bruised foot hung over the rim. ---Please see #1.

4) He ripped the electrical chords out of the two machines and returned to the bedroom. ---This should be spelled "cords" instead of "chords."

5) After hundreds of hours of stake outs at a coffee shop across the street from her work, he was able to trace her back to her apartment without notice. ---The word is spelled "stakeouts" rather than "stake outs."

6) This missing person was tied to two fifty pound dumbbells and dropped in the middle of the lake. ---The word "fifty-pound" should be hyphenated.

7) He scanned the titles for anything that stood out and found a black book with the title on it's spine covered by permanent marker. ---Please see #1.

Good luck and write on!
148
148
Review of An End to a Means  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once again, this is another short and great read. Based on this poem, I take it to mean that you refer to the Hindu aspect of Dharma rather than the Buddhist aspect of it (please correct me if I am wrong). In any case, this metaphoric journey through life is illustrated simply and beautifully throughout your piece.

Good luck and write on!
149
149
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is one of those cautionary tales that is always worth sharing. I suggest the below to edit:

1) I don't blame them though". ---The quotes should go after the period.

I hit my own darling wife and she died". ---Please see #1 above.

Good luck and write on!
150
150
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very powerful beginning to your short story. I suggest the following to improve:

1) Though he read hundreds of books from science to philosophy to astronomy; William seemed to take particular pleasure in reading the Bible. ---A comma should be used instead of a semicolon.

2) Still he would peruse the well worn pages for words and sentences that brought him comfort. ---It is spelled "well-worn."

3) There was one particular boy named Thomas who's Mother brought him to the playground each morning. ---It should be "whose" instead since it is a possessive word, rather than "who's" which means "who is."

4) Thomas Johnathan Nevers was a bright and inquisitive boy with large green eyes, a head of unruely brown hair and an ever present smile. ---I believe you meant to say "unruly" instead of "unruely."

5) William saw in Thomas, not the limitations of his handicap, but his indomtable spirit, and his love for life. ---It should be spelled "indomitable," not "indomtable."

6) William Conrad Chesterton; a very special child was now alone in the world. ---A comma should do here rather than a semicolon, and a comma after "child" for a more dramatic effect.

7) So began Williams’s life on the Dolby's farm. ---It should read "William's" rather than "Williams's."

8) The beatings would always begin over some minor incident and ended in the wood shed where Vern kept an ample supply of well worn hickory switches. ---Please see #2 above.

9) I can take the pain". ---The quotes should come after the period.

Good luck and write on!
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