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151
151
Review of Freedom  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this poem. I suggest the following to correct:

1) Where it says, "The shopkeepers windows?" there should be an apostrophe after "shopkeepers."

2) Where it says, "For his head, A place to lay, to turn night into day," the word "A" should be lowercase.

Good luck and write on!
152
152
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very charming story, and I enjoyed reading it. The only thing I can suggest to change is where it says,
"I would love that, Roland," she giggled. "And I have something for you as well," she said, skittering away to get the Witch Bottle off the kitchen counter. Please notice the double apostrophe I put in front of "And" since it was missing.

Good luck and write on!
153
153
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderfully written metaphor as to how we have let our spiders/cobwebs of fear cause us to exchange the freedom of our butterflies for national security/slavery to fear, causing a butterfly effect of other issues. I believe there is a healthy balance the USA still has not achieved in her fight against terrorism, and I believe your poem alludes to that.

Good luck and write on!
154
154
Review of Angel of Light  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you very much for writing based on the prompt. I suggest the following:

1) Where it says, "Since the stroke, Dad has suffered from incontinence," you may want to correct to either "suffered" or "had suffered" instead of "has suffered" to be consistent with the past tense of your story.

2) Where it says, "But of course, I never have such luck," see #1 above by using "had" instead of "have."

3) He’s granted me his favor and I’m here to pass that favor onto you.” ---I believe you meant to capitalize to "His" to be consistent with the rest of your piece.

Good luck and write on!
155
155
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a Valentine's Day classic. The only thing I can suggest to change is where it says, "It was a gift of chocolate from an admirer, she knew, but not in the usual heart-shaped red box," because I do not think a comma is needed after "admirer" since if you say the sentence aloud, to me there is not a natural pause there.

Good luck and write on!
156
156
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting series of short journal entries about this developing character, the pace of which I believe is being developed correctly. Please see below for suggestions to improve:

1) In the "I Like to Drink" entry where it says, "What was that anyway; all of them showing up at once to tell me that I party too much?" a comma should be used instead of a semicolon.

2) In the "Why I'll Never Marry [Part 1]," where it says, "I'm not relationship person," it should read "I'm not a relationship person."

Good luck and write on!
157
157
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice beginning to your sci-fi book, so thank you for sharing. My only suggestion is where it says, "My fellow treasure hunter has a better imagination than I; especially since some of the pieces we've found are flexible and bendable," the semicolon is not needed here, but rather a comma.

Good luck and write on!
158
158
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a sober reminder of the broken past that some of our ancestors had to endure, albeit with as much dignity and grace as possible. The only thing I can suggest to correct is to put a comma instead of a period where it says, "If children pulled bolls fast."

Good luck and write on!
159
159
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I appreciate you posting this heartwarming story. The only thing I can suggest is where it says, "We had difficulty with ideas for birthday gifts for the boys this year, possibly because there seems to be an unspoken-about disconnect developing with them," to maybe correct to say "unspoken disconnect" since I am not sure you need to have "unspoken-about."

Good luck and write on!
160
160
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.0)
It will be interesting to see the follow up to the start of this book. Please see the following to correct:

1) Where it says, "The house had been painted peach with someone going back in attempts to turn it white. Leaving the upper stories in their original state of color and the bottom flat and lifeless," a comma should be used instead of a period to prevent a fragment.

2) Where it says, "Glancing into the joining rooms she could see dark hard wood floors, all the walls where painted the same flat white as the attempt on the outside," either a period or semicolon is needed instead of the comma to avoid a run-on sentence.

3) Where it says, "Sure that the far door held the room with the eyes that over looked the lack of a front yard, Joven increased her pace and reached for the fake glass doorknob," it should be "overlooked" instead of "over looked."

4) Where it says, "I know it's to late to sign up for college right now but in two months early registration will start and I plan to take a full load," it should read "too late" rather than "to late."

5) Where it says, "she stumbled over her words she spoke so fast," please capitalize "she" and insert "since" between "words" and "she" to avoid a run-on sentence.

6) Where it says, "Joven had spent so much time locked away on her own that the move from Austin had not effected any of her friendships," the word to be used is "affected," not "effected."

7) Where it says, "College would be a good fresh start for her and one her mother hoped would bring happiness back into her daughters life," the word "daughter's" should be used instead of "daughters" to show possession of "life."

Good luck and write on!
161
161
Review of Recess Kids  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dan, I definitely like the second version a lot better than the first version. An improved flow through a "leaner" look compared to the first is good. The only thing I would suggest is to get rid of the whole line "Cheating each other, cheating their mother," since it seems to be a filler line at best and detracts from the rest of the second version.

Good luck and write on!
162
162
Review of Bumble Boy  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is another sadly accurate depiction of how often times young men growing up excelling in a "non-manly" pursuit such as playing piano can be put down by less than understanding male family members/friends. Please see the following:

1) Where it says, "But now he just wanted to sleep; forever, if possible," you do not need a semicolon here.

2) Where it says, "They came intimately; slow and quiet," a comma should be used in place of the semicolon.

3) Where it says, "Their parents were outside doing their annual springtime cleanup, while the boys opened the cabinets looking for objects they could use in their obstacle course; pots and pans for mountains; large spoons for catapults; mixing bowls filled with water to train the diving team," a colon should be used instead of a semicolon since a list of items follow.

Good luck and write on!
163
163
Review of Blossoms Maligned  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a sad and all too true depiction of Columbine and other tragedies of this type that have affected the US in recent times; thank you for capturing this in your writing. I suggest the following to correct:

1) Where it says, "Of course, she would never let him know that. Although he had an inkling of her feelings at one point early on," there should be a comma between "that" and "although" to avoid a fragment.

2) "This is boring, Sarah," Tom said slipping his hand from her's while they sat on the couch watching Tom and Jerry cartoons. -It should be "hers" not "her's."

3) Where it says, "It was the day before Christmas break; a Christmas they would never see," a comma is needed instead of a semicolon.

4) Where it says, "He had taken a step; the first real step," please see #3 above.

Good luck and write on!
164
164
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
Where it says, "Not only will this be beneficial for your daughter in the long run, this can also help you better acclimate to your new role," inserting a transitional "but" after the comma will work best here. Otherwise, this is a great write.

Good luck and write on!
165
165
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is one of the most well-written and quirkiest haikus I have ever read, so why title it "The Four Noble Truths?" Also, although I can understand possibly why you would capitalize "Sushi Bar," I would dare suggest to not capitalize it only to add to the humor if possible.

Good luck and write on!
166
166
Review of Three Tokens  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Although your writing shows much promise, I suggest the following to improve:

1) Where it says, "Asma needn't worry that the guard would see her," I would rephrase that to say, "Asma needn't had worried that the guard would see her," to be consistent with the past tense of the story.

2) Where it says, "Granada would soon fall, she could feel it," either use a semicolon or period in place of the comma to prevent a run-on sentence.

3) Where it says, "She mustn't start now," it should say "She couldn't start now," to be consistent with the past tense of the story.

Good luck and write on!
167
167
Review of Multivalence  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
This essay is well-written, and I understand and respect your viewpoint. I suggest the following to improve:

1) Where it says, "What is very interesting about this poem is that the reviews expressed multivalence in the Readers reactions to the poem," there should be an apostrophe after "Readers" (a possessive for "reactions").

2) Where it says, "Some thought it was against form and meter, others felt it was a complaint about people cutting down trees," a semicolon is needed in place of the comma to prevent a run-on sentence.

3) Where it says, "Poetry can be translated into different languages and still be appreciated for it’s meaning regardless of the “craft,” the word "its" should be used instead of "it's" since you do not mean to say "it is meaning," but rather use "its" as the possessive of "meaning."

Good luck and write on!
168
168
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (3.0)
This writing is well-researched, but I suggest the following to correct:

1) "The effect of the Australian climate on the Wine Industry of Australia is huge, Australian wines wouldn’t be the same if the climate changed." This is a run-on sentence; either use a semicolon between "huge" and "Australian" in place of the comma or use a word such as "Although the effect of the Australian climate..." Also, since is a formal report, contractions such as "wouldn't" should not be used. Instead, please write out "would not."

2) "The Australian Wine industry began when grape vines where bought to Australia with the first European settlers in 1788 and initially they were only produced on the Eastern coast of Australia." It should be "were" not "where."

3) "The Wine industry of Australia at that point was only domestic, in fact only the rich governors and officers were allowed to grow them in their yard, but this changed when John Macarthur established the first commercial vineyard of Australia in the early 1800s, south of Sydney." This is a run-on sentence; I suggest a semicolon between "domestic" and "in" to substitute for the comma.

4) "The red wines are made from well ripened red grapes of many varying varieties, the full-bodied red wine is usually made from grapes that are grown in warmer climates where as the more delicate and lighter rid wines are produced in the colder climates of Australia, there are many red wines that are produced in Australia, such as; Barbera-warm temperatures, Cabernet Franc-warm temperatures, Cabernet Sauvignon-medium to cool temperatures, Grenache-warm temperatures, Merlot-warm temperatures, Mourvedre-medium to cool temperatures, Pink or rose wines-various, Pinot Noir-cool temperatures, Sangiovese-medium to cool temperature, Shiraz-varies, Tempranillo-warm temperatures and Zinfandel-warm temperatures."

a) "Varying varieties" is redundant; saying "various types" or "various kinds" sounds better.
b) Also, this sentence should be split into three sentences, with a period after "varying varieties" (see correction "a") and a period after "climates of Australia." Also, please capitalize "the" and "there" after using the periods as suggested.
c) A colon should be used in place of the semicolon after "there are many red wines that are produced in Australia, such as" since you have a list of items afterward.

5) "As the US continues to be Australia’s top importer the main problem is that the strong Australian dollar is causing the prices to fall and thus the profits are falling(16), however, The Australian Wine Industry, along with its associate companies are creating a strategy to manage and market the wine to the full capacity to lift the prices once more." This is a run-on sentence; please use a period before "however" in place of the comma.

Good luck and write on!
169
169
Review of Gray House  
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a story that has layers and layers to it, and very well-done. I suggest the following:

1) Where it says, "Be that as it may, they—whoever they were—must have been snooping around—probably had access to his agent’s files and knew he was missing deadlines," it should be "whomever they were."

2) Instead of using semicolons in the below:

"He tried to think; to get his mind in working order," a comma will do.

"Even the sound of the engine seemed subdued; the smell of pines fresh and pervading," also a comma will suffice

"The only thing he was sure of was that he had passed the same floors over and over; the same steps, the same patterns of grit; the very same thoughts." Instead of semicolons, a colon can be used in place of the first semicolon, then commas to follow since this is a list of the same things with which Aaron was dealing.

"He walked towards it; strode towards it," only a comma is needed.

"The man motioned with his hands; a gesture of affable acceptance." A comma should do just fine here.

Good luck and write on!
170
170
Review by Stallion
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Please see edit points 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 for my suggested edits to your chapter. I would suggest that you read aloud to yourself what you write and listen for natural pauses within what you write. This way, you will know when to use commas, periods, and/or semicolons for improved writing. I suggest you copy-and-paste this website to your internet browser at some point since I believe it will prove invaluable to your development as a writer:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/

Good luck and write on!
171
171
Review of FOREVER  
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story reminds me of something out of Star Trek with a more sentimental touch. I suggest the following for improvement:

1) Where it says, "I have waited and watched through years, centuries, millennium, periods, and ages," please change to "millennia," the plural form of millennium, to be consistent in the plural forms of each word in the list.

2) Where it says, "On this spot I was once entombed for untold eras under tons of rock and dirt and latter by massive walls of ice reaching into the sky," I believe you meant to use "later" instead of "latter" since later makes more sense in this sentence.

3) Where it says, "If I've learned anything throughout the ages, its that time always wins," the word should be "it's" since you are saying "it is that time always wins," but only as a contraction. "Its" is possessive and should not be used here.

Good luck and write on!
172
172
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the variety of bold, italicized, crossed-out, capitalized words and other signs you use in this poem to emphasize the various points of your message. I can offer only the following to correct where it says, "Deconstructing the fascist trajectory of our NeoDem-RepubliCon dilema one rhyme at a time," I believe you meant to spell "dilemma," unless you intended to use the Spanish variant "dilema."

Good luck and write on!

173
173
Review by Stallion
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is one of those pieces that really makes the reader see the narrator's point of view very clearly and simply. Good job with that. My only thing I would suggest to improve is where it says, "self satisfaction, ego fed," since you need a hyphen so it says, "self-satisfaction."

Good luck and write on!
174
174
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem and its unique existential approach through questions. I suggest the following to improve:

1) A hyphen is needed between "awe" and "inspiring" so it reads, "With awe-inspiring events at every turn?"

2) I think you meant to put an "or" so the following reads, "Did I choose the path I took, or was it planned?"

3) Instead of the ending, "Is it an illusion about to fade away?" which I think takes away a little from the rest of your poem, I recommend saying "Is it an illusion, or is it here to stay?"

Good luck and write on!
175
175
Review by Stallion
Rated: E | (4.5)
I definitely like the character development by showing them growing up. I recommend the following:

1) Where it says, "Mason's mind wandered, and he asked himself if the builders of old had constructed the rooms this way to pay a homage to the great shield that covered Arc city," I believe you mean to capitalize "city."

2) Where it says, "Magus Grey slowly moved toward them, the look he gave was a mixture of confusion and annoyance," this is a run-on sentence. You could say "As Magus Grey slowly moved toward them..." since this is probably what you meant to do.

3) Where it says, "He opened the book to the place where he had left off the night before; marked with an old marker that bore the Drax family seal," a comma is needed instead of a semicolon.

Good luck and write on!
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