*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pjr88
Review Requests: OFF
70 Public Reviews Given
78 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The vessel  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I found this Short Story in Please Review section of this site.

The title is fitting. The story is an interesting little look at someones nightmare. I'm sure a lot of parents would feel a lot of ways reading something like this. Aside from a few missing segues(understandable, its a short story), it flowed well. Could be the opening to a movie. It reminds me a bit of one called: The Triangle (2009)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Inheritance  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lol. I liked it. That'll teach her to mess with old stuff in an old house. jk. What I liked about it is that its good as it exists now but I could see it being the opening chapter to a novel too. I don't remember if Flash Fictions had a strict word limit but some attention to the other senses would have been nice: air quality, temperature, time of day maybe. Anyway, that was a nice quick read. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Pretty awesome. At first I was kinda repulsed by the text. I mean, Im into horror with a splash of gore. But this guy, Jack, is just sick. Plus text looks kinda lengthy. I was wrong and had such a weird but fun feeling reading this, like the writing is really good but the story is like a car crash you cant look away from, in a good way. Im thinking "this guy is messed up and needs help, Im outta here" but each line I read on made it harder to just stop. Jack was hurtling towards a grim conclusion and I just had to see how it ended. Good stuff. Keep the GP.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of I am on a train  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, my name is MrMidnight. Thanks for posting your work. Anything I write or say is my opinion only and is only meant to help. It is in no way intended to do harm.

It's not a very long piece, which is good, but there isn't much to say except what I think about it: It's good. it's a short telling that makes you wonder and I did.


Plot: A person is in the dark on a train.

Setting: On a train going to nowhere for a long time.

Grammar/Writing: No errors that I could see, although I wish the ending was done with less repetition of 'so long.'

Likes/dislikes: ''''I cannot tell if there is anyone else on board. The darkness is impenetrable. I could call out, I supposeā€¦but I am afraid of discovering that I am alone.'''' Was my favorite line.

Nice job. Thanx for sharing.

5
5
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Much better this time. The story feels more robust.

Although, I am a bit worried about grammar. The evil he felt in the air, imo is a little too over-implied. Only make it clear that he felt something was wrong and link it to a horrible evil. Perhaps say it felt like being in the presence of a cold hearted serial murderer. Or being in the cold, dead silence of a dark cemetery; That tuned any moisture on his skin into a cold sweat. 'Show' and explain what he felt, not 'tell'.

15 ' I 's begin a sentence and countless others throughout. Try your very hardest to not begin a sentence with an 'I' and not to use them in a sentence too much, doing so will make it into much more of a story, that is happening and not a story that is being told.

EXAMPLE:

It took all the power I had to take a single step in the house, but I pulled through as I walked from the entrance of the small room, dubbed "The Big Closet" By Cass (mostly because that's where all the clothes go before we wash them), to the front door of the house.

It took all the power (WITHIN)or(INSIDE) ME to take a single step inTO the house, but I pulled through AND walked from the entrance of the small room, dubbed 'The Big Closet' by Cass (mostly because that's where all the clothes go before we wash them), to the front door of the house.

I can give a few more if you'd like, I see plenty of areas that could benefit from these types fixes, to reduce the amount of 'i's. Also, refer to a thesaurus for repetitive words like: look > gaze, gleam, stare, glimpse, glance, peer, inspect, etc.

I hoped this helped, I look forward to your improvements, and your review of my next chapter.

CHEERS,
MrMidnight



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




6
6
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Oh yes, very well written and described. Good attention was paid to the 5 senses.

A good introduction to what I assume is going to be a great story. I could say my one of my favorite parts at the very end, when the readers got 1 answer along with 5 more questions :) a good cliffhanger.

It leaves the readers with many questions, including, what happened to his wife? That got me to thinking and then I noticed. There was a lack of questions and concern for his wife, once he did enter the house.

Thoughts of her safety didn't plague his mind? Did he ask himself why the lights were out? Did he try the light switch just before he heard the sound, and then realize they wouldn't turn on?

at the end of the 4th paragraph, how did that sense of evil make him feel? (Like his stomach would turn) maybe link it to seeing something horrifically mangled to death. Was he actually holding his hand to his mouth to keep from vomiting?

A bit of a stretch but those other actions and examples of feelings help to bring the reader even closer. As it stands now, its is very well described, but its like the guy is detached from his own reality. Everything I said so far was only an example/suggestion. But as an honest opinion, in the good spirit of helping out a fellow writer, I feel there is a tiny something missing.

I'll gladly raise my rating once I feel good about the whole thing. I know it may seem like I'm hard to please ... but so will be the 8 billion ppl who you want to read your work, It keeps all your stories in top form. Mine as well, I know I say this a lot, but please be sure to let me know if you have any suggestions on my writing.

CHEERS,
MM
7
7
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello I'm MrMidnight, I happened across your work and thought I'd offer my Insight and opinion. Thanks for posting your work. On behalf of WDC and myself, here goes..


*PointRight* Overall Impression:

- Very Interesting.
- Imaginative.
- Raw and vivid.

*Binoculars* Style and Voice:

- Sounded real.
- Smooth reading.
- Smooth story telling.

*Tools2*Areas of Improvement:

-Chapter length

*Idea* Final Thoughts and Ideas:

- Needs professional grammar check and edit.

- Great! I love a chapter that starts off with a good action scene and ends with a good twist.

- What I liked about the whole chapter: The chapter was fast paced and the reactions of every single person felt genuine.

- The dialogue was top notch in every part.


*ThumbsUp* Liked:

- Very detailed.

- Well thought out.

- Scene.

- Concept.

- Direction.

- Setting.


*ThumbsUp* Favorite Lines:

( “Vrag ti sriću nosija!”yelled one of them in an ugly tone.
“I don’t know what the hell your saying asshole!” )

(I’d hoped for a smooth role, but instead I got more of a sideways collapse, that jarred my knees and tailbone. “f***ing s-” I couldn’t finished, bullets continued to tear at the bricks I lay on.) Way to keep up the tension. Bravo.

(One of the leather jacket studs knelt down, pistol held high and pointed at my head. He grinned wolfishly and said “You lose cowboy” in a very thick East European accent.) I laughed as it was so well done, yet kinda cheesy. I also liked the ending conversation. Those to characters are like two peas in a pod. And you do a great job at showing us how close they are with only a few short well placed lines.



*Hand* ATTENTION *Exclaim* [I only review stories/material that i like or fancy. Things that are interesting or catch my eye. So, if I'm here 1up for you *ThumbsUp* ]

Almost there. Keep writing.

If You liked/appreciate my review: A good way to repay me would be to please pay it forward by reviewing some of my material. And helping any others you can.

CHEERS,
MrMidnight



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




*Stop* DISCLAIMER *Stop*

My opinions, thoughts and statements are my own. They in no way shape or form meant to disrespect, upset, tease, criticize or cause any other unwanted, unwelcomed or frowned upon feelings or emotions to occur.

If for any reason with knowledge of my disclaimer you still take offense or take it personally see your doctor right away; as this could be a symptom of manic depression or other more serious physical or mental health problems.
*Pthb*


8
8
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello I'm Mr. Midnight , I happened across your work and thought I'd offer my Insight and opinion. Thanks for posting your work. On behalf of WDC, WDCPRgroup, and myself, here goes..


Okay, well done with the first paragraph, enough info to give a clear layout and not over done. We spoke a lot about the addition of jacapo and it was great how he was integrated smoothly when considering how the story went before. I liked the engraved plate bit. Nice work.

Okay nice description of the police reports. I always had trouble with the padlocks. pointless if some follows behind and cracks the safe. How about a hidden panel that reveals a magical lock that only wizards can unlock and keep the safe-door and the needed combo for added protection. Also mention a barrier maybe that they need to be blessed when they join in order to get through it in case evil wizards get fancy.

Good description of the base and the shepherds. Dialogue was natural enough and the explanations went well in that paragraph.

I liked how your able to intertwine details about the clan and they ops as you explain the current situation sort of a 'this is whats happening and an interesting 'why'', well done. Its what I like most about your writing.

Most of it I read before I like the added tid bits. The gun tells alot about the character and I think they were well chosen for each.

Man! It's a true joy going through that action scene that closes this already awesome chapter. Every detail did a wonderful job at painting a clear picture and puts the reader in the drivers seat with the added fact that it's written in 1st pov.

Okay idk if I should even rate this at this point. Its an amazing chapter and a great story but the heavy about of scattered grammar, punctuation errors, missing words etc. really deal a heavy blow to the quality at this point.

Lmao Emily had a point. I thought I'd stop by and show you how a real review should look *Wink*

Of course this type of review is minimal, there are reviews/reviwers with templates that have every section and area covered and commented on. But for now just try aiming for more than on paragraph. *Smile*


-MrMidnight


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **








9
9
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I'm MrMidnight, I happened across your work and thought I'd offer my Insight and opinion. Thanks for posting your work. On behalf of WDC, WDCPRgroup, and myself, here goes..


*PointRight* Overall Impression:
- Very Interesting.
- Imaginative.
- I just LOVE chocolate

*Binoculars* Style and Voice:
- Sounded real.
- Smooth reading.
- Smooth story telling.

*Tools2*Areas of Improvement:
-That round dark one in the corner of the box seemed to call out to her, “Eat me! Eat me!” She picked it up[,] and delicately placed it in her mouth.
- Needs justification.

*Idea* Final Thoughts and Ideas:

- justification [Edit][select-all][cntrl+sht+j]


*ThumbsUp* Liked:

- Very detailed.
- Well thought out.
- Story.
- Concept.
- Warm fuzzy feel.

*Hand* ATTENTION *Exclaim* [I only review stories/material that i like or fancy. Things that are interesting or catch my eye. So, if I'm here 1up for you *ThumbsUp* ]

Almost there. Keep writing.

If You liked/appreciate my review: A good way to repay me would be to please pay it forward by reviewing some of my material. And helping any others you can.

CHEERS,
MrMidnight


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1844163 by Not Available.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Join one of the best and nicest community/group TODAY ! "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Stop* DISCLAIMER *Stop*

My opinions, thoughts and statements are my own. They in no way shape or form meant to disrespect, upset, tease, criticize or cause any other unwanted, unwelcomed or frowned upon feelings or emotions to occur.

If for any reason with knowledge of my disclaimer you still take offense or take it personally see your doctor right away; as this could be a symptom of manic depression or other more serious physical or mental health problems.
*Pthb*

10
10
Review of The Girl  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. Just wow. Your writing as well as this piece is like the perfect girl. I'm at a total loss of words and wish I could express just how much this piece hit home. Wonderful. I don't think anyone could have said anything like this, better. And I have read many 'boy meets girl'' and 'love poems' but this just takes the cake. Bravo.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Join one of the best and nicest community/group TODAY ! "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Also get tips on how to do it right "Invalid Item
11
11
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I'm MrMidnight, I happened across your work and thought I'd offer my Insight and opinion. Thanks for posting your work. On behalf of WDC, WDCPRgroup, and myself, here goes..


*PointRight* Overall Impression:
- Very Interesting.
- Imaginative.


*Binoculars* Style and Voice:
- Sounded convincing.
- Smooth reading.
- Smooth story telling.

*Tools2*Areas of Improvement:
- Needs indent.
- Needs justification.

*Idea* Final Thoughts and Ideas:

- justification [Edit][select-all][cntrl+sht+j]
- Needs professional grammar check and edit.

*ThumbsUp* Liked:

- Very detailed.
- Well thought out.
- Story.
- Concept.
- Direction.

*Hand* ATTENTION *Exclaim* [I only review stories/material that i like or fancy. Things that are interesting or catch my eye. So, if I'm here 1up for you *ThumbsUp* ]

Almost there. Keep writing.

If You liked/appreciate my review: A good way to repay me would be to please pay it forward by reviewing some of my material. And helping any others you can.

CHEERS,
MrMidnight


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1844163 by Not Available.
"Invalid Item


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Join one of the best and nicest community/group TODAY ! "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Stop* DISCLAIMER *Stop*

My opinions, thoughts and statements are my own. They in no way shape or form meant to disrespect, upset, tease, criticize or cause any other unwanted, unwelcomed or frowned upon feelings or emotions to occur.

If for any reason with knowledge of my disclaimer you still take offense or take it personally see your doctor right away; as this could be a symptom of manic depression or other more serious physical or mental health problems.
*Pthb*



12
12
Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello I'm MrMidnight, I happened across your work and thought I'd offer my Insight and opinion. Thanks for posting your work. On behalf of WDC, WDCPRgroup, and myself, here goes..


*PointRight* Overall Impression:

- Eye opening.
- Interesting.
- Scary.
- Imaginative.

*Binoculars* Style and Voice:

- Strong writing style.
- Easy to read.

*Tools2* Areas of Improvement:

- Formatting is jagged and unpleasant to the eye.
- Document/Material is far too large/long.
- Needs to be broken down into smaller more manageable size.

*Idea* Final Thoughts and Ideas:

- Try going to your portfolio. select this story. Edit [top right]. at the body, [Right-click.] Highlight all text. click justify [Ctrl+shft+J] (10th box) that should smooth things out.

- Holding your mouse over each box causes a hint box to popup. Learn and utilize them for maximum productivity.

*ThumbsUp* Liked:

- Story.
- Concept.

*ThumbsDown* Disliked:

- length.



If You liked/appreciate my review: A good way to repay me would be to please pay it forward by reviewing some of my material. And helping any others you can.

CHEERS,
MrMidnight


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1842690 by Not Available.
"Invalid Item"Invalid Item"Invalid Item


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Join one of the best and nicest community/group TODAY ! "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Stop* DISCLAIMER *Stop*

My opinions, thoughts and statements are my own. They in no way shape or form meant to disrespect, upset, tease, criticize or cause any other unwanted, unwelcomed or frowned upon feelings or emotions to occur.

If for any reason with knowledge of my disclaimer you still take offense or take it personally see your doctor right away; as this could be a symptom of manic depression or other more serious physical or mental health problems.
*Pthb*
13
13
Review of I Am Not a Hero  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*PointRight* Overall Impression:

-This was amazingly well written. The story rolled forard smooth as silk.

*Binoculars* Style and Voice:

-I haven't come across this style yet so it as completely refreshing. It was dark story telling at its best.

*Tools2* Areas of Improvement:

-current situations were mixed with future events and made it hard to understand what was happening, when. however it wasn't totally incoherent and i was able to understand it all.

- story needs some sort of time-period of any kind. (In the last age of swords and magic. in a time before time. Ect.)

*Gears* Grammar and Mechanics:

None that i can see. (not really good at it yet)

*Idea* Final Thoughts and Ideas:


-I really wish this was a book, where all characters and events received more 'flesh'. I couldn't relate or feel for anyone good or bad..

*ThumbsUp* Liked:

-The Story itself and the sort of back story or moral of the story. like the underling meaning. It was very gripping and compelling .

*ThumbsDown* Disliked:

-This didn't get to become a full length story. (But it satisfying as it is, in terms of moral of the story)




** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

14
14
Review of What is God  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
> Great very inspirational. God is whoever you believe him/her to be i guess. its a very controversial subject because everyone has their own idea and claims to know something about someone they ever met or encountered. they conjure ideas from stories they were told, not from their own experience but from the sociological programming and conformity that subliminal.. hmm forget it. nice work. Keep at it.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review of Seeking  
Review by Mr. Midnight
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The specter of our lost love
Wanders through my idle mind
Dipping darting, elusive as the dove
Rending my heart with memories unkind
What cares man of heavens above
When lost, true love he cannot find.


This was a nice poem. the specter is the chunk of memories and feeling associated with the lost love? sort of haunting your heart at random?


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review of Impact  
Review by Mr. Midnight
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very interesting. I lived in NYc all my life. i was a half a mile away skipping school in Chinatown when we heard the explosion. The smoke and chaos.. that was some of the motivation for chapter 5 of my book. considering that your story has to do with 9/11 i think Chapter 5 will be an interesting and motivational read for you. check it out and keep writing I want to see where the story is going. also it would be great to get to know the key characters. Maybe a prequel chapter introducing over a one or day period all the main characters. or maybe flash back chapters that remind you of friends and family outside of the crisis(Birthday, Office party). It feels a little too random at its start but overall its good.
16 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pjr88