Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was a rather ribald glimpse into a bar scene. The characterization of Bunny and the heavy use of strong dialect bring the scene to life. In places, it does require some effort to wade through the dialect, but it has a realistic feel to the overall language used. There is some confusion in the beginning because it is not readily apparent that the narrator is talking to a doctor. Once, I discovered this, things did fall into place.
STRENGTHS:
Use of dialect.
Excellent development of Bunny's character. I had no problem's picturing this Amazon who seemed to be right at home in the bar scene.
FAVORITE LINES:
"I swear I heard Bunny hoppin' along the trail after me all the way here!" Funny!
Though a bit -- ummmmm sacrilegious -- the explanation for Bunny's name was rather amusing.
SUGGESTIONS:
It is not at all clear from the beginning who the narrator is speaking to or even that he's talking to someone. At first, I thought that the quotation marks were being incorrectly used. Finally, in the last paragraph, I picked up on the fact that there is a listener. Perhaps, you could insert "Doc" into the first sentence? I really think that would clear up the confusion. I did wonder if this was a stand alone piece? If not, that may be where my confusion originated.
Though the use of dialect is what really makes the piece, there were a few places where I had to reread a couple times to figure out the exact text. Example: "...jes' lahk yew..." I had to reread this to determine the middle word.
GRAMMAR:
Too many single quotation marks resulted in a confusing read at points. Some of them aren't really necessary. Example: Did I say 'sit?' I shoulda said 'detonate!' Of course, keep the ones where the narrator is relaying the conversation.
Because of the strong use of dialect, most grammar rules do not apply.
BOTTOM LINE: Though a little too racy for my taste, those who enjoy this type of recreation will find this piece very amusing. Bunny is probably every guy's worse nightmare or dream come true -- depending on how much he has had to drink.
HAPPY WRITING!
"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: It is easy to see why this piece won a prize in the "Noticing Newbies Contest." I have never read a story that transitioned so beautifully from story format to poetry and then back again. It is done so masterfully that the reader may not even be aware of it.
STRENGTHS:
The description of the falling leaves is peaceful and serene! Nicely done.
The characterization of the narrator as someone who struggles with the demands of daily life is an easy one to connect to. As I sit writing this review, the phone has rang twice, my son has needed help in reaching a website, and my daughter has asked twice what is for dinner.
FAVORITE LINES:
I loved the transition to the scene where the narrator is listening to the leaves. It becomes very poetic and pulls the reader into the scene.
"We’d both done average. We were going for the heavens now."
SUGGESTIONS:
'“I am outside.” I grasp the words of a partial sentence, just under the swishing of the shutting patio door.' -- Though this is technically correct, I didn't catch the first time through that it was Michael speaking. If another reviewer finds this confusing, it may warrant revisiting.
I wonder what would happen to this piece if it was told in the past tense? Would it lose that "in the moment" feel that you so successfully create with the falling leaves scene? I only ask this because I find (I think this is my own hang-up ) that stories written in the present tense tend to have flow problems. Though overall I think you managed to avoid this pitfall, there were a few points where I stumbled in reading.
GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:
“Sit,” it whispers, “Get..." -- I think it should be a period after "whispers"
"...remind me, vacuum today..." Perhaps a dash would work here or even put vacuum today in italics.
BOTTOM LINE: A very romantic moment in time! Thanks for sharing it with your readers.
HAPPY WRITING!
"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I loved this piece! Despite the limited word count, you developed your characters and managed to include a plot that rose to a natural climax. However, what really made this such a great read was the sense of humor that you interjected. I think I'm still smiling at your ending.
STRENGTHS:
Characterization -- As someone who works with teenagers, I can testify to the fact that you nailed your characterization, including both the bully and the bullied.
Though I do not personally use profanity, I thought you handled this aspect well. It was not there for shock value (which is what I can't stand), but was a realistic addition to the story. I would have been shocked IF a few of the boys had NOT let slip any expletives. Nicely done.
The ending was priceless. Though you crammed a lot of things into just one sentence, it didn't feel hurried. Instead, it was funny.
The title was classic!
FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:
"...fifteen-year-old pimple machines." Loved this metaphor.
"As for the apple, it had dropped four inches before being nailed to the tree by a number two Ticonderoga."
SUGGESTIONS:
I know this piece had a limitation on word count, but if you decide to expand it, I would love to see a description of the bow. I had a hard time picturing it.
GRAMMAR:
A few minor comma errors, but nothing to detract from the overall story.
“thunk.” -- I don't think you need the quotation marks here.
BOTTOM LINE: A great piece that captures the essence and "stupidity" of teenage boys! Bravo!
WRITE ON!
"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece, reminiscent of the movie Beautiful Minds, has the elements of a variety of genres: romance, horror, science fiction... When I finished, I wasn't sure what to call it. An intermingling of the elements occur as the love story weaves throughout the piece. Horror is introduced with the appearance of Sarah's ghost, or was it only a figment of Patrick's mind? Finally, Patrick's career as a brilliant scientist provides the elements common to science fiction. Though I found the prologue to be confusing and unnecessary, I thought the remaining transitions between the sections were handled well and enable the marriage between these genres to be believable.
STRENGTHS:
The opening love story with Patrick and Sarah took away my breath. I could truly feel his grief.
I loved the combining of genre elements.
The character of Dr. Ellison, though he has a brief appearance, was well-developed.
FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:
"The calendar rolodexed through time...." Great image!
I loved the scene where Patrick has a glimpse of what he has become. This was my reader's "Ah, ha!" moment. I realized that Patrick's fantasy world was complete. Up until that point, I was wondering why someone didn't do something for him? He was obviously ill, and that didn't make sense. I also thought it was telling that Sarah was not present at that point. She was obviously what anchored him in his fantasy world.
SUGGESTIONS:
I believe Mrs. Mary Bergman's diagnosis is incorrect. If I am remembering correctly from my undergrad studies as a psych major, schizophrenia actually means a disconnect from reality. Multiple personalities is something else entirely. However, my psych days were a long time ago, so please do double check this point.
I was bothered by the capitalization of the pronouns she and her. I thought at first, you were doing it for emphasis, but then you continued, and I just found it distracting. Admittedly, this may be because I am a die-hard grammatical nut...
I didn't feel like the prologue added anything to the story. In fact, it confused me until I realized that's what it was.
At the risk of giving away the ending, I thought it would have been a much more poignant story if Patrick had died of natural causes.
GRAMMAR:
"Flames peaked...." Should be peeked.
Recheck your use of semicolons. They should be used to separate two independent clauses (sentences) or items in a series which contain commas as a part of the series. Try using a dash or a colon instead. Example: "...it had been a home - their home."
I don't think you need the quotes around the taps at the beginning of your story.
BOTTOM LINE: I loved the fact that this piece combined so many of the genres that I love. With a few minor revisions, it will be a truly great short story!
WRITE ON!
"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION:This was an amusing read. In the short amount of prose available, you managed to develop both the character and setting. I'm not too sure about plot, but then what more could you do with such a short amount of space?
STRENGTHS:
Your dialogue breathes life into your main character and accurately portrays the male vs. female idea of what is suppose to happen on those fishing trips.
Your description of the lake was beautiful. If I closed my eyes, I can almost see it. Nicely done.
FAVORITE LINES:
'"Nungth. Water,” I grunted.' Oh, yea! This is exactly how someone sounds after a night of drinking.
"A pristine stillness held me captive as vapory wisps pirouetted like tiny ballerinas over the glassy surface,..." Beautiful!
SUGGESTIONS:
Is there any way to make it a little more clear exactly what "Labatt's Blue" is? As a non-drinker, I had to read this twice before I figured out that it was beer. However, do take into consideration that this problem may be just a lack of background knowledge on the part of this reader.
I never did figure out what a Detroit Twinkie is...
GRAMMAR:
"gets the metabolism goin’, doncha know." Thought this should have ended with a question mark
'I winked; “nothin' Should be a comma instead of a semicolon.
BOTTOM LINE: Great flash fiction though a bit confusing terminology that may simply depend on a reader's background knowledge.
"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Wow! This was an impressive read that really drove home how we often never get that second chance. I could easily imagine myself as this character; I know I don't deal well when loved ones are late! As your main character's panic built, I could feel my own emotions rise. I just knew, as she did, that she was going to find her boyfriend dead.
STRENGTHS: You provided a wonderful description of the setting & used it to build suspense. The rain and the character's struggle to reach the body had me struggling along with her.
Your plot is very well developed - suspense rises the closer the character gets to the accident scene. By the time she reaches it, she is frantic & so is your reader.
You used flashback in a way that furthered your plot, but did not slow the rise in action.
I loved the ending!
FAVORITE LINES: "...wipers. They moved rhythmically back and forth, briefly pulling the scene into focus before the rain blocked it out again."
"...alternately revealing the pallor of her face and hiding it in shadows."
SUGGESTIONS:(Only my opinion!) In the scene on the porch, Greg takes a while to notice Gillian -- despite the fact that it is dark and she would have had her lights on. I thought,perhaps, he could have been standing there staring at her.
GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE: "She shook her head as, impatient, she pulled out her phone" Maybe --> "...her head impatiently, as she pulled..."
BOTTOM LINE: I truly enjoyed this piece & will definitely check out your other work!
You provide your reader with a very clear insight into the psyche of someone suffering from an eating disorder. In fact, I thought that your personification of the disorder was very disturbing; as I'm sure that's what you intended, well done. I also loved your use of imagery -- especially "Her long black hair danced slowly..."
I would suggest that you create a slightly more graphic scene where the lover burst through the door. Perhaps a more vivid verb. How does he try to stop the bleeding? I wouldn't go overboard though as the boyfriend is not the focus. I also struggled a little with your closing sentence. Perhaps "Her monster was finally slain."
Bottom line, I thought your concept to be very thought provoking and a little scary. Nicely done.
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Use of dialect.
