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26
26
Review of The stalker  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
DEAR DIANE,

I am reviewing "The stalker"  for the Rockin Review Forum.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: In this flash fiction, a stalker watches his prey, making the reader squirm with anticipation or something else?

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot twist: I don't want to give anything away, but I didn't see the ending coming—even though all of the clues are there. It truly is one of those pieces where you read it and think, "What?" Then when you reread it, you have to admit that you should have seen it coming. Those are the best plot twists. Bravo!

*Check* Verb Tense: Normally, I do not personally care for stories written in present tense. However, I do believe that you chose wisely with this one. The present tense pulls the reader in and ratchets up the tension. I tried switching the verbs to past tense and rereading it. It just does not have the same effect.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Word Choice: There is a suggestiveness throughout the piece that had me raising my eyebrow. I actually felt a little uncomfortable or dare I say perverted when reading it? *Wink* Then the ending.... Loved it.

*Check* Description: "I press in closer still, the hairs on my body standing on end." Made me shiver.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Am I correct in assuming that this was written for flash fiction? I would suggest that you label it as such to avoid reviewers, especially newbies, from dinging you because it is too short.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Multiple Comma Splices: "She sees me, screams, her foot comes toward me." Two independent clauses cannot be joined with a comma. I do like the rhythm of this though, so maybe use a semicolon instead?

*Check1* Awkward Structure: "into shoes two sizes small." This phrase kept bugging me, but to be honest, I'm not sure it is a technical error. Perhaps, it should read "two sizes too small." Just something to consider if other reviewers mention it.

*Check1* Comma Error: " I scramble to retreat but it is too late." Should be a comma "retreat, but..."

BOTTOM LINE: An absolutely delightful piece! With the great tension and misdirection, this makes for a fantastic short read. I loved it.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
27
27
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
DEAR SPARKYVACDR,

I am reviewing "Lost... On the dark side of the library!"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story takes the reader into a library and then leaves them afraid to ever go back.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot — What a clever plot line.

*Check* Narrator — I liked having the narrator as someone who eavesdropped and then witnessed poor Sara's fate.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Description — I loved the description of the reflected books. It made me almost wonder if there are any such shelves at my library. I hope not! *Shock*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Dialogue conventions — I found that the lack of quotation marks made following who was speaking very difficult. I had to backtrack several times just to make sure I knew who was speaking. I would suggest that using quotation marks would clear up much of the confusion. It would also eliminate the need for italics when the action shifts back to the other side of the shelves. Typically, italics in such stories are used for internal thoughts of a character. Finally, it might help if speaker tags were established much earlier. We meet Bill in the second paragraph, but we do not identify Jim until half-way through the story.

*Check* Plot — One thing did confuse me. Why do Jim and Bill have to come back the next day to prove that the portal works? Why not right then and there?

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Commas in direct address — When a speaker uses a person's name in direct address, the name should be set off with a comma.
                   Incorrect: "Bill I saw it!"
                   Correct: "Bill, I saw it!"

*Check* Paragraphing with Dialogue — Keep the speaker tag with the dialogue
                   Incorrect: "There was a pause and a stifled sound. Jim said," Then Jim's dialogue is on the next line.
                   Correct: "There was a pause and a stifled sound.
                                       "Bill...tomorrow you....," Jim said.

*Check* Quotation Marks — Though not an error, using quotation marks to emphasize a word is typically frowned upon. Most experts consider it to be cliché and suggest using italics instead. Hence another problem created by using italics to show the switches in scenes.

*Check* Common Errors — 1.) its vs. it's 2.) wont vs. won't

BOTTOM LINE: I would love to see this story follow more conventional methods of dialogue. For me personally, much of the mood was lost in trying to figure out who was speaking and which side of the shelf the action was on.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Fiction Editor Sig

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
28
28
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
DEAR Cherokee Rose,

I am reviewing "Grandfather's Tall Tale"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story brings two brothers face-to-face with proof that their Grandfather's Tall Tale was no imaginary tale. WARNING: Some of the comments below contain unavoidable spoilers.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Dialogue — The dialogue between the two brothers is very natural.

*Check* Characterization — I thought the two brothers interacted in a very believable manner. This may have been aided by the dialogue mentioned above.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Imagery — I loved your description of the waterfall; it was breathtaking. I even wondered if this was a real place.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Adverbs — Though adverbs can serve a purpose, they are often either unnecessary or a poor substitute for a better verb. For example "Come on!" I demanded irritably. "Will you please hurry?" Instead consider this version: "Come on!" I ground out. "Will you puh-lease hurry?" Even without changing the verb, the speaker's irritation is obvious, making the clarifier "irritably" unnecessary. If you want to emphasize the irritation, up the ante on the verb with a choice such as "ground out." You could also emphasize the please by using italics or changing the pronunciation such as "puh-lease...." With the latter, the teenager's irritation is crystal clear. Try this exercise. First, print out your story and highlight all of the adverbs; this will help you see exactly how much you rely on adverbs. Second, go through and delete all of the adverbs you can without changing the meaning. You will find that many of them do not add anything of value. Third, for those remaining adverbs, take a closer look at the verbs in those sentences. Can you use more accurate verbs that will do the job of the adverbs? You will find that by eliminating the majority of your adverbs your writing will be tighter and far more powerful.

*Check* Plot — At one point the narrator blocks Bigfoot's access to Ty, but then in the next sentence the Bigfoot is examining Ty and picking him up. At some point, the narrator has to move or was moved by the Bigfoot.

*Check* Plot — Now keep in mind that what I'm about to say is a subjective matter of opinion. However, I loved this story all the way up until the Bigfoot became a Good Samaritan. At that point, I found it impossible to buy into the civilized version of the creature. Again, that's a matter of opinion. It is your story, and you have the right to characterize Bigfoot anyway you want. In fact, it's a rather creative take on the subject. Just know that this kind of divergence from what is generally accepted can create issues of believability for the reader. I would only suggest that you give it any weight if other reviewers also comment on it. Then you will need to decide whether you want to stay true to your original concept or if you should find a way to revise that will be both believable and satisfying to you. It's a tough call, and only you the writer can make that decision.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue — When separating a statement from the speaker tag, use a comma.
                   Incorrect: "Almost." Ty replied....
                   Correct: "Almost," Ty replied....

*Check* Commas — Use a comma to separate an introductory clause from the independent clause.
                   Incorrect: "When we arrived at camp Bigfoot...."
                   Correct: "When we arrived at camp, Bigfoot...."

BOTTOM LINE: I suspect that eliminating some of the adverbs will turn this into a great story.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Fiction Editor Sig

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
29
29
Review of Holding a Grudge  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
DEAR Sca,

I am reviewing "Holding a Grudge"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A brief scene in which a man finds himself embroiled in a fight where things go too far. Though issues with paragraphing dialogue make much of it difficult to follow there is the potential for an extended story.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot — There was definite tension with the bar fight scene.

*Check* Setting — The bar scene is well-described and easy to visualize.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "with a sickening thud...." This foreshadows the outcome perfectly.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Paragraphing Rules — Whenever the speaker changes to another person, a new paragraph must be created. Because this rule is not followed, I found it very difficult to follow who was speaking and as a result the plot line. I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing dialogue punctuation and paragraphing. I think you will be amazed at how much better your writing will be received because readers can then follow it. Here are a couple of links to websites that I find helpful: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/... and http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-... You might also check out the classes offered by "Invalid Item"  here on WDC. They may have classes on writing dialogue.

*Check* Plot — I would love to see this extended so that the tension can be built between the narrator and Tom. Give the reader more time to care about the narrator and to feel the tension mounting. Maybe Mallory can have a flashback to his dealings with Tom and the ex-girlfriend? Make the reader think, "Uh oh! This is not going to end well."

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check*Commas between two independent clauses — Whenever there are two independent clauses (AKA-sentences) joined by a coordinating conjunction and comma should be used before the conjunction. Incorrect: "Harry's bar and it was...." Correct: "bar, and...."

*Check* Colon — Use a colon to introduce a list following a noun. Incorrect: "ten in the pub, two under...." Correct "ten in the pub: two under...."

*Check* Careless Errors — Carefully proofread for errors that will not be caught by spell check. 1.) "the the" 2.) then vs. than

BOTTOM LINE: This is a great start to a story that has potential to really pump up the tension. Editing to correct paragraphing issues and adding to the length will help tremendously.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Fiction Editor Sig

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
30
30
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
DEAR LIAM,

Hello! I am reviewing this poem as a judge for the PDG Alumni Challenge. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was a poem about a cowboy "just lookin' for fun." I have to ask — Was your inspiration the song "Whiskey for My Men and Beer for My Horses?" Loved that song.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Dialogue - Yes, dialogue within a poem. It was perfect and actually created the tension as reader can feel how intimidated the bartender must have felt.

*Check* Characterization - Why could I not get Clint Eastwood out of my head as I read this? I think it was this line: "His spurs gave a jingle that made my skin tingle" or it might have been the "permanent frown".

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "His face had been fried into leathery hide."

TECHNICAL:

*Check* Rhyme - ABCB Pattern followed consistently. Plus, there was an internal rhyme scheme occurring within some of the lines that really amplified the sense of rhythm.

*Check* Rhythm - As already noted, this was very strong. I especially liked the forced pause in this line "he added a brief, 'this'll do.'" This broke up the chant rhythm and prevented the poem from becoming sing-song.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* None - BRAVO!

BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for submitting your cowboy narrative. You rose to the challenge, & I commend you!


*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **




Pepper



"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

Fiction Editor Sig
31
31
Review of Cowboy Sunset  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
DEAR MARNTZ,

Hello! I am reviewing this poem as a judge for the PDG Alumni Challenge. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion. *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This poem is a somber look at the end of the cowboy era and how he must have felt.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Imagery - I loved the way you incorporated images from the photo into your poem.

*Check* Simile - See favorite below

*Check* Mood - This poem really creates a somber mood as the cowboy seems to lament that he is a dying breed.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "my limbs hung like rags, beside my sunken chest" Absolutely love this one! Bravo.

TECHNICAL:

*Check* Rhythm - The fifth stanza which starts with "They say I am a...." seems to lose the rhythmic pattern that the poem starts out with. I especially stumbled over the last line in this stanza. It almost reads like prose.

*Check* Rhyme - No rhyme scheme (free). This was actually refreshing as most of the other entries used rhyme. Unfortunately, that can lead to a sing-song effect that is best avoided.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - As a narrative I would have liked to have some sense of action. There is the mention of "looking for safe passage" but nothing really beyond that.

BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for submitting your cowboy narrative. You rose to the challenge, & I commend you!


*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **




Pepper



"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

Fiction Editor Sig
32
32
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
DEAR MATT the EXAM MONSTER,

I am reviewing "Dream Sequance: Fatale"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece appears to be an outline of a much longer piece or, based on the subtitle, three shorter titles. As such, I am going to review it with that precept in mind.

STRENGTHS:

*Check*Inspiration - I am fascinated by the idea that you actually had a dream like this. Do you really remember that much detail? Taking your dreams and turning them into works of fiction is a fantastic idea.

*Check*Plot - I confess that much of this was confusing, but I think I grasped enough to understand that the two lovers are torn apart by outside conflicts. I suspect that after this is written out that there will be plenty of material to escalate the tension.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "called me to this private, cold sanctuary." Creates a creepy, sinister feel.

*Check*"I had thawed him."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Formatting - The intent of this piece is very confusing. As I said in my overall impression, I was not entirely sure how to approach reviewing the piece. If I take it as a "complete" story then I would have to rate it much lower. However, viewing it as only an outline, changes my emphasis on certain things such as story arc versus worrying about grammar issues. I would suggest that you add an intro that explains the purpose of the piece so that other readers avoid this confusion.

*Check*Details - Much of my confusion comes from a lack of details and transition. For example, I did not understand the reference to the academy, the old maid who died,or R.& H to name just a few. I felt like I was reading something for which I had absolutely no background knowledge at all. I also did not understand why the narrator was thrown in jail. Since this is central to the conflict and the reason the narrator's lover goes wild, I would suggest that this be fleshed out more. Even if you are using this as simply a rough outline, this seems like a pivotal point.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Careless Errors (May be just a reflection of the fact that this is an outline.)
         "He starts to thake me...." Should be take.
         "began the dancefor a season." Should be "dance for...."
         "century of beingforgotten...." Should be "being forgotten...."
         "the plain of his cheek,...." Should be plane.

*Check* Commas between independent clauses (sentences)
         Incorrect - "He said he loved me and I was his."
         Correct - "me, and I...."

BOTTOM LINE: This piece has potential, & I may be misunderstanding the intent. If that is the case, then I apologize. However, I'm afraid there were just too many missing details for me to rate this very high. I also did not feel like I had enough information to evaluate the overall story arc.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


33
33
Review of Moments in Time  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
DEAR KIYASAMA,

I am reviewing "Moments in Time"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: The story very accurately captures the dynamics of a divorced family and even brings the reader to tears at times.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - I found myself being pulled so completely into Melissa's character that I teared up whenever she did. For me, that is the ultimate litmus test for a character. If I feel what the character feels, then the author has done a fantastic job.

*Check* Plot - Accurately, captures the conflict that exist between a divorced couple and a child who is neglected by one parent. Often the parent who is involved becomes the "bad guy." Nicely done.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "I find myself eating alone while he's locked away in his bedroom." Just such a poignant image.

*Check* "the hot tears that filled my eyes and begin to trail down my cheeks." Okay, I confess that I teared up over this image.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization - I was confused by the reference to "Gary Grant." At first, I was sure that you meant Cary Grant as this switch often occurs. However, I did a little Google search and found that there really is a Gary Grant. So, then I was wondering if this was the reference. Now, whichever was intended is not really my point, but it did cause me considerable confusion which was distracting. Of course, *Blush* this may just be my ignorance speaking, so I would suggest that you watch for this issue with others who review this piece. If others make the same mistake, a name change might be in order.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Comma between independent clauses - When using a coordinating conjunction to join two independent sentences, use a comma before the conjunction.
         Incorrect "he begins and I bite my tongue...."
         Correct "begins, and I...."

*Check*End punctuation - only one punctuation mark should be used at a time (?!). When an author combines two it does not add emphasis, but actually distracts the reader because now the reader is drawn to the punctuation and not the meaning of what is said.

*Check* Awkward Sentence Structure - "My only and precious son hates me,...." For some reason, I stumbled over this opening line every time I read it. I would suggest eliminating "only and" and open with "My precious son hates me,...." You can easily establish that he is an only child later in the story.

*Check* Em Dash - Use an Em Dash when a speaker interrupts another speaker. (Just a neat tip I came across: to form the em dash, hold down the alt key and type in on the number pad 0151. When you release, the em dash will appear. Also no spaces are needed between the dash and the word.)
         Incorrect "let alone..."
         "...spending it with your...."
         Correct "let alone—"
         "—spending it...."

BOTTOM LINE: I love it when a piece brings tears to my eyes! Nicely done.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


34
34
Review of Please Choose Me  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
DEAR DIANE,

I am reviewing "Please Choose Me"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: The strong characterization in this story makes it easy to connect and Jeremy will tug at the heart strings of the reader.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - Little Jeremy is just precious. I had no problems picturing this little guy sitting down at the top of the stairs waiting for a family. I almost pictured a little Opie from The Andy Griffith Show.

*Check* Plot - I found the idea of this little boy spying on his would-be mother and endearing idea. I'm curious if you have any personal connections to adoption b/c you nail the essence of the emotions.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* I loved how Jeremy went tearing into the office stuttering about his love of animals and then is overcome by his shyness.

*Check* "He sat back, legs dangling from the orange armchair...." Awe.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View - Most of the story is told from Jeremy's point of view, but there is one momentary shift to Mariana's that is distracting. "Mariana sensed the boy had something to say. She was amused by...." Because Jeremy can't get inside Mariana's head, this creates a POV shift for the reader. I would suggest revising this section to keep the POV with Jeremy. Try, "Mariana leaned forward, waiting with a smile on her face." In most cases, one point of view is advisable in short fiction because it helps the reader bond with that character.

*Check*Plot - (SPOILER) Confession time. When I first read this, I was outraged that the reader does not find out if Jeremy is going to be adopted. But then.... I have found myself warming to it. There's something so poignant about Jeremy sitting there. Leaving the reader in suspense really connects the reader to Jeremy and his anxiety. So, I'm going to suggest that you consider revisiting the ending only if you receive other feedback on this matter.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Commas w/ between independent clauses - When joining two sentence with an coordinating conjunction, a comma is needed.
         Incorrect - "Tiffany closed the door behind him and he could...."
         Correct - "him, and he...."

*Check* Tighten - "From this vantage point he could watch the front door on the first floor." Since most front doors are on the first floor, most readers would make this assumption.

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue - "Mrs. Swift gave Jeremy a stern look, 'Now....'" Because the first part is not a speaker tag (such as Mrs. Swift said), a period should follow look. I suspect this may have been a typo since there are no other errors.

*Check* Misplaced Modifier -
         Incorrect - "He slipped down the stairs, his hand trailing down the wooden banister, after checking to make sure nobody was watching."
         Correct - "After checking..., he slipped down...."

BOTTOM LINE: A very nice vignette.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


35
35
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
DEAR JOE,

I am reviewing "The Dark Side of the Moon"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:Sci-Fi meets Edgar Allen Poe!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot: Just overall fantastic. I especially liked how the story was brought back full circle (no pun intended) to end with Tom watching the sunrise. I also liked how his ultimate ending is foreshadowed with the dream. (I don't want to give anything away, but that was nicely done.) The constant beating was reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart as well. I just knew it was Bob and that Tom had to be somehow responsible for his death.

*Check* Characterization: You did a marvelous job of building the characterization of Tom. His slide into insanity is shown perfectly through his dreams, alcohol and drug abuse, and his hallucinations. Many writers will make the mistake of telling the author that Tom was losing his mind. You did not do that; you showed the reader. Bravo

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Loved the title. Both the symbolic and the literal meaning!

*Check* Loved the scene where Tom and Bill share the funny story about the Porche. It was just an excellent way to show the reader that Tom is really losing touch with reality.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Formatting: 1.) Some of the paragraphs went a little long. You've got a fast paced story and a lengthy paragraph can slow it down. For example - "The Lunar Eye Space..." could have been two paragraphs. 2.) The paragraphing alternates between indenting and not. Because there are no spaces between paragraphs this can become distracting for a reader. Easily fixed and may just be a result of transfering it over from a word processing program.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue: Use a comma when separating the quote from the speaker tag.
                   Incorrect - "I'm coming in now." Thorpe said...
                   Correct - "now," Thorpe said....

*Check* Commas with Introductory Phrases:
                   Incorrect - "As he passed the familiar surroundings of the station exterior he considered...."
                   Correct - "exterior, he considered...."

*Check* Commas with independent clauses: Use a comma when joining two sentences with a co-ordinating conjunction such as and or but.
                   Incorrect - "Several minutes passed and Thorpe stared edgily through...."
                   Correct - "passed, and Thorpe...."

*Check* Comma Splices: Avoid joining two independent clauses with a comma. Instead treat them as independent sentences.
                   Incorrect - "You know how hard it is to shut that thing manually, I swear you do it...."
                   Correct - "manually. I swear...."

*Check* Commas to set off direct address: When speaking directly to a person, always set the person's name off with a comma.
                   Incorrect - "I died Tom."
                   Correct - "I died, Tom."

*Check* Verb Tense shift: Be careful to remain in the same tense as the rest of the story.
                   Incorrect - "his wife gets...."
                   Correct - "his wife got...."

*Check* Commonly Confused Words
                   you're/your
                   resent/resentment

BOTTOM LINE: Overall this is a fantastic story with a solid plot line and great characterization. Unfortunately, grammar errors, especially run-ons and comma errors, interfer with reading and undermine the true value of this story. Thankfully, those can be fixed easily enough. Just a suggestion you might want to look into taking a class with New Horizon. Though the Winter Term is closed, I would recommend taking their class on commas the next available term. You would really enjoy it, and it would help you spot many of those troublesome comma issues. "Invalid Item" 

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


36
36
Review of Bluetooth Blues  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
DEAR CAROL & MAX,

I am reviewing "Bluetooth Blues"  for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Okay, confession time -- I was not expecting this to be so funny! As a former middle school teacher, I was expecting another teenage "drama", but I was laughing out loud by the time I was half-way through.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot: The interweaving of the conversation between the teens, the voice from their bluetooth, and the other teens is a great set-up for comedy. Reminded me of some of the old Laurel & Hardy slapstick scenes.

*Check* Characterization: Christopher's image as a nerdy geek comes through very clear to the reader. The references to the acne and the use of the IM scene were well done.

*Check* Voice: When two authors write a piece, the voice can sometimes come across as a little disjointed; you can just tell it's written by two different people. With the exception of the first section, the rest of the piece seemed to flow seamlessly. I can even tell you that I forgot I was reading the work of two different people.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "...marching triangles and parading parallelograms." Just found this image to be very whimsical.

*Check* Loved the scenes where the teens are talking to both the person on the bluetooth and the person in front of them. I laughed out loud in several places.

*Check* The IM scene was authentic and believable.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization: I wasn't sure that I bought that Roxanne and Lydia were friends. At least, not after I realized what an airhead Roxanne was and how smart Lydia was. Since this friendship doesn't further the story along, but Lydia does need to be introduced, I would suggest eliminating the reference to the friendship.

*Check* Plot: I was a bit confused by the transition into the last scene. In the previous, there was no indication that Lydia and Christopher had plans to meet and discuss a project. I got the impression she was trying to get him to do so, but he blew her off. However, the next scene opens with "... Christopher walked into the math-lab where Lydia had laid out her ideas for him to examine." It was also obvious that this scene occurs immediately following the previous b/c Lydia indicates she saw the whole scene with Roxanne from the window. That he would go looking for Lydia after the scene with Roxanne and that Lydia would know to layout her ideas and wait for him just doesn't make sense. I would suggest a comment be inserted into the scene between Lydia and Christopher that indicates he'll meet up with her later. "Look, can we talk about this at our study session in a few minutes?"

*Check* Plot: "I did it in ninth period study hall." As a former teacher, I can tell you that nine periods in one day is unheard of because it would make for one very long day. (LOL! They are long enough already!) The only way that might happen is if the periods were only 30 minutes long. Seven or six periods is more common.

*Check*Prose: 99% was great. I did, however, think the intro scene could be tightened up in several places. I guess I just felt like some of the descriptions were a little too much.

Example "He scowled in annoyance as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of the lovely Roxanne, and he squirmed in his seat, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of her cat-like beauty. Her eyes glanced his way, and his heart quickened."

Instead try: He scowled as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of Roxanne. Shifting, he strained to catch another glimpse, and when her cat-like eyes glanced his way, he felt his heart quicken." There's no need to tell the reader how beautiful Roxanne is. Christopher's desire to keep looking at her and the way his heart responds shows the reader that.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Capitalization: Kudos on capitalizing Bluetooth! I wasn't too sure about that so I checked it out & Yahoo and AP both agree with you. Thanks for teaching me something!

*Check*Punctuation: I suspect I'm nitpicking on this one but I have a bias for hyphens, so... "Chris - whatever your name is, what..." I would change the comma to another hypen. That way there is consistency.

BOTTOM LINE:

A fantastic read that captures the angst of the male high school geek. Great for a laugh out loud read.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1744867 Unavailable **

Signature created by our dear talented friend, Kelly1202
37
37
Review of Sparks  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)


DEAR LITTLE GLASS SLIPPER,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a classic story of an impulsive teen trying to impress his girlfriend and the tragic results. The ending though is touching, though some might feel it's too convenient.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - First, I like the name Reese. I also thought that Reese has the potential to be built into a character with a lot of depth. His stupidity is believable and so is his remorse.

*Check* Plot - The story line is unique. I would love to see this piece expanded into a longer more developed one.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "...except for the unholy burning in his left hand." I thought this was a great description and a unique way to describe an amputation.

*Check* "The troupe of busy monitors behind him argued amongst themselves, in high chirps and whirring sounds." Great imagery.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - The three major scenes felt very hurried and seemed to be missing huge gaps of time. I was also bothered by the transition between the three scenes being Reese passing out both times. Just felt too convenient. I did wonder if this piece had a word limit? Sometimes, this forces a writer to leave out portions of the story. That's just the feeling I get from this. I would suggest developing this story further. Perhaps, some time could be spent on Reese's rehabilitation. He could spend some time wondering what happened to Heather too.

*Check* Plot - There were two things that bothered me. 1.) It is apparently so cold that Heather's lips are turning blue, yet the fireworks in question are from "...last night's leftover Fourth of July festivities...." Now I know the wind from the lake can get a bit nippy, but on July 5th can it really get cold enough to turn lips blue? I live in the mid-west and that just doesn't ring true. I would suggest making 2.) When Reese is in the hospital, he holds up his arm and sees "...a red and black congregation of twisted flesh." This is a great description, but wouldn't his arm be heavily bandaged? He is just waking up after the accident.

*Check* Vocabulary - You have a great vocabulary but some of the word choices feel a little forced. 1.) "She struggled to persuade fingers between the peels of her pocket;" Try: "She struggled to squeeze her fingers between the folds of her pocket;" Sometimes using common familiar words results in a more natural flow to the narrative. 2.) "...stuffed the informality back..." I suspect this is a spell-check error. The word should be infirmity.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* Dialogue - "...got to be kidding" she exhorted. Needs a comma after kidding.

BOTTOM LINE: I hope you will revisit this story sometime as I think it has the potential to be an emotional blockbuster.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown



Rising Stars Most Compelling Review Award for February 2010
38
38
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A
TICKLE MY FUNNY BONE
REVIEW

DEAR WINCHESTER,

Thank you for your entry in the "Tickle My Funny Bone Contest." I enjoyed your piece and would like to offer you this review as my way of saying "Thank you." Of course, I hope you will take only what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I think I would have slit Abdul's throat, if I had been traveling with him. This is definitely a humorous twist on the universal annoying fellow traveler we've all had to deal with.

STRENGTHS:

*Note* Characterization - Mohammad's irritation and self-control are rather humorous. I especially liked his counting.

*Note* Characterization - I'm not sure it would have been possible to make Abdul anymore annoying. I smiled when he started playing the "I Spot game" and spotted sand.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Note* "...that sand dune looks awfully familiar!" Ahhh, the proverbial straw that broke the camels back -- if you will pardon my own pun.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Note* Formatting - Consider italicizing Mohammad's internal thoughts. It will help the reader to identify more closely with him and will emphasize the humor in the countdown.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Note* Commas - There were a few dependent clauses that should have been set off with commas. Example: "...by morning even if he was the Sheik's nephew!" Needs a comma before "even".


The LAUGH-METER:
(Scale of 1-5. Not a factor in the overall rating.)

*Laugh**Laugh**Laugh**Laugh*


*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1669212 Unavailable **

Signature created by our dear talented friend, Kelly1202
39
39
Review of The Red Ball  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)


DEAR IDALIN,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: An intriguing sci-fi mini-story. Liked the concept as it has potential for further development.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot - I thought this was a very creative take on the prompt. A red ball as an alien bad guy? Loved it. Add to that the addictive properties and wow! You could have an incredible sci-fi epic. *Smile*

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "...scintillated..." Loved this word! Will have to add it to my word collection.

*Check* "...outstretched arm were enveloped in a softly throbbing red light..." Loved the imagery.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View - The very last paragraph moves from Jill's point of view to the sphere's, which I found to be very distracting. However, if you don't, you are left with the problem of how to explain the purpose of the sphere. Hmmm, perhaps, the link between Jill and the sphere could extend to a telepathic link. The sensation could be so addicting that she not care.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* Very few, which is impressive for a Writer's Cramp Entry - 1.) Comma Splice - Example: "Jill looked around, there were no..." Needs a period instead of a comma. 2.) Comma - Example: "...veered off-course, and lost its power." Since there is no subject on the other side of the conjunction, the comma is not needed. 3.) Verb Tense - "...a bird dropped it." Should be "...had dropped it."

BOTTOM LINE: Nicely done.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

Image #1656816 over display limit. -?-


40
40
Review of Beginnings  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)


DEAR SILVERFEATHERS,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I thoroughly enjoyed this story. The characters are flawed yet likable, and the story line seems to be the solid start of a longer piece. Nicely done.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - Masterfully done & by far the element that makes this piece. Zylene, through actions and dialogue, comes across as a street-wise and tough. She is a druggie and a prostitute yet still has something about her that makes her likable - even admirable. A strength perhaps? Laurence is charismatic, smart, and a user. Call me a romantic, but I couldn't help but think that Laurence will come to care for and admire Zylene. I can see this building into a serious internal conflict for him if this story were to continue.

*Check* Dialogue - This may be the first time I have ever complimented someone on their use of fowl language. *Blush* Too many times, I see writers using it for the shock value, and that does nothing for the story, because it doesn't feel authentic to the characters or scenes. This is a fantastic example of REAL dialogue.

*Check* Foreshadowing - The ending sentence sets up a future conflict.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "I believe the term you..." Laurence is just so cool and infuriating here.

*Check* "Top she-cat to Smoky's rather pathetic posse is a bare half-rung up the ladder from nothing." Awesome dialogue.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View - There seems to be some shifting back and forth between Laurence's POV and Zylene's. The story starts off with Laurence but shifts to Zylene in the heat of the argument. The last scene is once again Laurence. If you intend to make this a longer piece, I would suggest committing to either one character for the entire piece or only change POV when the scene changes. Changing in the middle of the scene makes it more difficult for the reader to stay connected to the characters because the shift jolts the reader away from that character.

*Check* Plot - 1.) If Zylene was afraid to get too close how did she get the yadna? 2.) Why does Laurence hire Zylene to get the yadna? She implies that he's not going to use it, and he was quick to destroy it when he realized that Zylene wanted it for personal use. 3.) Why is it labeled fantasy? Other than the unusual name for Zylene and the yadna, I saw nothing to indicate it was set in a make-believe world. It could just as easily have been set in a ghetto in LA or New York City. Perhaps, these questions will be answered as a part of a longer piece?

GRAMMAR:

*Check* Tighten - 1.) Adverbs - Some of the best advice I've been given here on WDC was too eliminate adverbs from my writing. Though I don't believe that all adverbs are "evil", I do see where they often do not add anything to the prose. Example: "Involuntarily, she shuddered." Unless someone was faking, have you ever seen someone shudder voluntarily? The adverb is just not necessary because most readers will assume that this was not an act. I would suggest re-reading the piece and evaluating each adverb to see whether it advances the story or not. 2.) A few unnecessary phrases - Example: "With a choked scream of frustration, she swung at him, unable to contain her disappointment." Could eliminate "...unable to contain her disappointment." The reader will get that from Zylene's scream and her attempt to hit Laurence.

*Check* Minor Errors - 1.) Spelling - "...the streets where just..." Where should be were. 3.) Commas to separate independent clauses - Should only be used if there is a subject/verb on both sides of the conjunction. Example: "...it was pretty dim and I didn't dare..." Insert a comma before the and.

BOTTOM LINE: One of the best pieces I've read in a while! Bravo. If there are other installments to this story, I would love to read & review them. Just send me the link!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

Image #1656816 over display limit. -?-


41
41
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
DEAR DRBORIS,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I loved the first 3/4 of this story - right up until Santa turned dark and sinister. There are just some things that can't be messed with, and Santa is one of them! LOL! Of course, since that is a personal opinion, I will do my best to evaluate and rate on the merits of the writing alone.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - I loved Santa. You perfectly captured the way I envision Santa would move, act, and think (at least for the first 3/4 of the story).

*Check* Plot - The idea that Santa's list could be magically updated was very creative. I was spell-bound (no pun intended) as I "watched" the writing on the note appear. Almost felt like I was Santa reading it. Bravo!

*Check* Foreshadowing - Once Santa turned sinister, the foreshadowing in place left me with no doubt what Santa was going to do. I didn't like it, but I knew.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "Santa wiped a tear away from his cheek with the back of his gloved hand."

*Check* Loved the opening paragraph. Easy to visualize.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - *Wink* You probably won't agree with this, but instead of turning Santa sinister, Santa could leave coal in the box in place of the cat's paw. LOL! I know, I know! I'm such a sap.

*Check* Label - I probably should have suspected something from the description "a Christmas tale for grown-up", but I didn't. Even if I had, you did such a masterful job of capturing my vision of Santa that I probably would have dismissed it. Perhaps the word dark could be inserted into the description... *Wink*

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Dialogue - In a couple places, Santa speaks but it is buried within the paragraphs. I would suggest avoiding this by starting a new paragraph at those spots.

*Check* Minor Errors - 1.) Incorrect"...top of side table." Correct"...top of a side..." 2.) Incorrect"smells funny” Correct"...funny.” 3.) Incorrect"...the final caught item caught his eye,..." Correct "...final item caught his..." 4.) Incorrect"The man is now is now facing..." Correct"The man is now facing...”


BOTTOM LINE: Wonderful talent and voice, though I think I shall avoid anything you have written about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. Santa's going to give me nightmares as it is.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
42
42
Review of Ghost Train  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
DEAR JTOWN,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I really liked this story. Though it could stand some tightening, the story line is very unique and the narrator is a a very believable character.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot - Very creative story line! Also, the transition from the present to the past and back was very smooth. I also liked how the story was brought full circle with the possibility of the narrator's grandson hearing the train. Nicely done!

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "But tonight would be different. Tonight he would finally catch up with it." Great use of foreshadowing.

*Check* "...the type of cough that pierces your chest and pushes its way out your back." Could almost feel this.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - How did he get the ticket? Did it just appear? Did he "find" the station? There just doesn't seem to be any explanation for this. I would suggest removing the ticket element.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Sentence structure - Could tighten in places. Example: "He was ill and because of that bedridden, forced to remain in his room." Try: "He was ill and bedridden." The rest is understood.

*Check* Formatting - While indenting the paragraphs is absolutely correct, I find it to be very cumbersome here on WDC. For that reason, many authors don't indent and simply use double spacing to indicate paragraphing. I find it also makes the readability much cleaner as well.

*Check* Conjunctions: While the rule against starting sentences with conjunctions, such as and or but, has relaxed when writing fiction, I would suggest not overusing them. I lost track of the number of them that were used in this manner in this piece. After a while it became a distraction. Try rereading the piece and highlighting all of the conjunctions that start sentences. This might help you become more aware of this issue.

*Check* Adverbs - The best advice I've been given here on WDC was to eliminate adverbs from my writing. Most of the time (not all) they are redundant or just not necessary. Example: "...it continued, eventually coaxing him to sleep." Try: "...it continued, coaxing him to sleep."

BOTTOM LINE: Great story!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
43
43
Review of Less of a Woman?  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
DEAR VELVET ROSE,

Hello! Your poem caught my eye, so I dropped in to do a little read and review. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION: Wow! I don't review very many poems, but the description really intrigued me. I wasn't expecting such an emotional punch.


STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - The wife's pain is so clear, so real, and the husband's love for his wife - Oh, very nicely done! Though I have never I to deal with this situation, I've known women who have. I think you very accurately capture the insecurity. It's also nice to think there are plenty of men who are like this husband.

*Check* Loved the title!


FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "... then held her while she wept." This scene brought tears to my eyes.


SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* I think you may have under-rated the content of this poem. I would upgrade it to at least an 18+. Though I find nothing offensive - in fact, it's quite beautiful - it is very graphic.


BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for posting your lovely poem. As a reviewer, I learned so much from you!


*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **
44
44
Review of Painless Tax  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
DEAR TIGERBYTE,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A very timely satire - I hope politicians read this!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Setting - The scene behind Cal is vividly described. Imagery is clear.

*Check* Satire - Your use of satire definitely makes the point. How much more ridiculous can things get on Capital Hill?

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "I wonder if any politicians will find their tax bill higher this year as a result of this?” - Should! *Laugh*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Sequence - "He had to yell to be heard..." This seems out of place as at this point Cal has turned and is watching the scene. I would suggest moving it to right after the end of the quote.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Structure - The third paragraph could be broken into two. Shorter paragraphing tends to be better received by readers.

BOTTOM LINE: Hope to see you in the new Paper Doll Gang class!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
45
45
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
DEAR BRYAN,

Hi, I'm dropping in for a review. As always, I hope you will take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! (Disclaimer - BScholl is my hubby!) *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a powerful story of a woman's second chance at motherhood. The twist at the end leaves the reader swirled in sadness and warmth all at the same time.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Flashback - This is perhaps the best use of flashback I have read in any short story. Each flashback transitions well and moves the story along without slowing the piece at all.

*Check* Plot - I love a story with a twist, and this definitely provides that. I won't give away the ending, but I think readers will have no trouble figuring out what did and DID NOT happen. *Wink* I also think the twist of emotions that the reader experiences is probably the best part of the story. The reader is at once sad for Patty, yet feels a sense of comfort in the joy that she experienced in the last months.

*Check* Characterization - Patty's character is very realistic and what happens to her does sometimes occur in nursing homes. Of course, I like the name. Wonder where you came up with that one?

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* James's flashback brought tears to my eyes.

*Check* "...spinning leather stitches..." Great imagery.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - 1.) Timmy's jersey gets laid on top of the box "right after he came in from baseball practice." Ummm, it didn't get washed? 2.) In the second paragraph, I'm not sure I understand what is meant by "...she knew not what those little pieces of cloth truly meant." I thought she knew exactly what they meant.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Verb Tense - 1.) Paragraph 1 "...box filled..." Should be fill. 2.)Paragraph 3 - Most of this paragraph needs to be in the past perfect tense because they are not things that were defined by a definitive starting and ending point. Instead they were on-going events. Example: "...a dark blue jersey that Timmy, the oldest, wore." Should be had worn.

*Check* Punctuation - "What's wrong!?!" I know that this combination of exclamation point and question mark were for added emphasis, but I don't think it's necessary. It already says "...she screamed..." I found it was distracting instead of adding to the emphasis.

*Check* Paragraphing - The conversation between Stacy and Leonard needs to be double spaced. I know it may look funny, because there are several one-liners. However, this is still the preferred way to structure the paragraphing.

BOTTOM LINE: This has to be my favorite story you have ever written. I hope others will take time to read and review this one.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
46
46
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
DEAR PROF MORIARTY & MORGAN,

It is my pleasure to judge the Newest Newbies campfire stories. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A tragic story of love and the way life can sometimes get in the way.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - There is an incredible development of characters - both Rebecca and Steve. I especially liked how the age difference really did not bother either the couple or the reader.

*Check* Plot - Wow! Some of the best stories come from our morbid imagination. In this case, what is one of the worst things that could happen on a wedding day? Nicely done.

*Check* Voice - Stays consistent even when switching authors.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Loved the scene where Rebecca is getting ready for the wedding and all of the things that Steve has said keep flashing through her mind.

*Check* "Tears streaming unchecked down his face..." Great imagery and showing instead of telling!

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization - I found the scene where Steve confesses his love to be a little abrupt. I really couldn't believe that he just blurted it out - even though it had been building. I wondered if a passionate kiss that neither could resist might prove to be a believable catalyst? Just a thought.

*Check* Plot - Even though I loved the flashbacks, too much of a good thing can be too much. At times, I felt like I was bouncing back and forth between the present and the past of the story. That made it hard for me as a reader to care about what was happening right then and there, because as soon as I did I was being transported back in time. I realize that this is probably one of the hazards of attempting this story in a campfire format. If any kind of rewrite does occur, I would suggest that Steve have fewer but longer flashbacks to cut down on that sensation for the reader. I suspect that I might have shed a few tears for Steve and Rebecca if I could have spent a little longer in that moment.

*Check* Point of View - A very brief switch in point of view occurs when Alice stops Jason from comforting his father. Up until that moment the scene is delivered from Steve's point of view. Then there is a jump to Jason's point of view. "He knew she was..." Avoid this kind of mini-jump because it detracts from the reader's emotional involvement with the main characters.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Semicolons - Use semicolons only to separate items in a series that contain commas or separate independent clauses. Example: "They were all fussing over her while the makeup expert help her prepare for her wedding; hardly a few hours away." Try: "...for her wedding - just a few hours away." In this case a dash or colon is correct. Side note: verb tense -- help should be helped.

*Check* Formatting - I would suggest remaining consistent in the treatment of flashbacks. Sometimes they were italicized and sometimes not. Personally, I like the italicizing as it helps me to recognize the flashback as something different from the flow of the text.

BOTTOM LINE:

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
47
47
Review of Gemstone Boutique  
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
DEAR PROF MORIARTY,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:Well, this is "Elementary, my dear Watson", but I think you've done a smashing job!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The clues are excellent, creative and very possible to figure out if one is willing to do a little sleuthing. I even started getting into it & that's saying a lot for me -- I'm not a huge fan of crossword puzzles.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* I had to look up #16 down! How funny is that?

*Check* The English teacher in me loves the answer to #19 across.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* The opening may be a little confusing to someone who is not a member of the PDG. May I suggest that a revamping that includes an address directed at nonmembers might be helpful? In fact, it could be a way to shall I dare say... recruit new members? Invite them to become a part of our group by signing up for the new class. You are certainly showing them how much fun we have here! Psst - this might explain the you know what...*Wink*.

BOTTOM LINE: Awesome!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award
48
48
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)


DEAR LADYOZ,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A fantastic story about how a father reacts to his teenage daughter's pregnancy. The characterization of the father is superb and really carries the story along.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - The father is masterfully developed. His shock and numbness are combined with an almost resigned air that builds into hurt as the story progresses. At every step, his reactions are believable, making it easy to connect to him, to feel his emotions. I also loved that the father never refers to the boy by name. Instead, he's "The Boyfriend." This reveals all of his bitterness and resentment. And the father's reaction to the boyfriend comforting his daughter was perfect. Bravo.

*Check* Plot - This has to be every parent's nightmare, and you take it a step further. Just when the reader thinks the situation can't get anymore painful for the father, the daughter delivers her announcement with no sign of regard for his feelings. I was impressed with how you drove home that it was the nonchalance that wounded the father the most. At that moment, he knew he had lost his little girl.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "...running helter skelter through life's filters." Great metaphor!

*Check* "When the lock clicked..." Wow! What a powerful, heart-wrenching ending.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Throughout two-thirds of the story, the narrator is referred to as "he", but after the daughter arrives, there is a sudden shift to referring to him as "Daddy." I suspect that this was deliberate in order to emphasize his wanting to be her daddy. However, I felt a little bit of reader's shock. I felt like it pushed me away from him, when I had felt so connected. Not because it was wrong, but because it was sudden and broke from the established pattern. It almost felt like there was a shift in point of view, but I realized that technically there wasn't. I would suggest leaving only those that most emphasize his place in her life. Example: "...sitting in Daddy's place."

GRAMMAR:

*Check* Awesome job!

BOTTOM LINE: I can see why this was published.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

Image #1656816 over display limit. -?-


49
49
Review by Pepper
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Prof Moriarty,

Hello, I've dropped by to review your template for the latest submissions to the Paper Doll Gang. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A visually appealing template that utilizes several subcategories for a thorough review. Also has a unique rating system at the closing.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The use of color and icons break up the sections.

*Check* The mildly humorous opening will set the writer at ease.

*Check* For the most, part I like the categories that you have designated. They will provide ample opportunity for positive and constructive criticisms. Favorite: "Kudos and Applause"

*Check* I loved *Heart* the rating system at the bottom. Definitely a unique system. (Note: As a courtesy, you might want to delete it whenever you are reviewing someone who has requested reviews only.)

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Be consistent with formatting of the headings. 1.) There are extra spaces between some of them and the colon that follows. 2.) Capitalize all important words in each heading. 3.) Stick to phrases or sentences - not both. For example: "I have a few..." Should be "Humble Suggestions".

*Check* Just a thought, but do you really need to include the title as a category? If you are planning on evaluating it, but otherwise?

*Check* Typo: "The red sentences in red...." Delete the first red.

BOTTOM LINE: A great job! Thank you for submitting and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper,

Junior Leader in the PDG


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award Image #1656816 over display limit. -?-



50
50
Review by Pepper
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear WistyOne,

I'm dropping by to review the newest round of templates submitted to the Paper Doll Gang. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: The template, aimed at poetry, is divided into three sections: initial reaction, what I liked, and suggestions. There are plenty of positives along with suggestions for constructive criticism.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Loved the the icons - especially the light bulb one.

*Check* Bolded text separates each section.

*Check* Subcategories are under "What I like" are a nice touch and will help you to focus on specifics. I'm assuming that these could change depending on the poem.

*Check* Closing is positive!


SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Perhaps put the name of the person you are reviewing after the greeting. It makes it a little more personal. (Can't claim this little gem of wisdom, as it was pointed out to me on a review of my own template!)

*Check* Visually break up each section. Use colored text, italics, size variations.

BOTTOM LINE: Great Job! Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper,

Junior Leader in the PDG

"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

PDG - February 1st Place Reviewing Award Image #1656816 over display limit. -?-



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