*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ppartin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: ON
186 Public Reviews Given
207 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 ... Next
26
26
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there,

What a great story! Very unique.

Here are some things you might consider:

*Bullet* "In which my mother doesn't die" - What does the "in which" refer to? Her bed? This subtitle doesn't seem to fit.

*Bullet* ""I miss you sometimes, Mom." She smiles. "But I'm right here."Sometimes my mother is so logical it makes me want to cry." - These are excellent lines.

*Bullet* "more crazy" should be "crazier."

*Bullet* "three fifty two" - In this case, you might want to write it out numerically. Otherwise, I'd suggest inserting hypens between all three of the numbers.

*Bullet* "I lay sullenly beside her." - Things are laid down, but people lie down. This should read, "I lie sullenly beside her."

*Bullet* OK, how does the mother kill the dog? I'd think that might be an important detail. It almost sounds premeditated the way she smiles about it.

*Bullet* "Mom is laying on the bed" - Again, should be "lying."

*Bullet* "Thought I had to teach you everything."-Is this supposed to be "Though I had to teach you everything?" Either way, I don't quite understand how this sentence fits.

Overall Impression:

Well, I hafta say...I love this. What an original style, and it's very effective, IMO. I think you might get a lot of mixed reviews on this, because it's so different. Don't mind any negative reviews, though, because I think it's brilliant (and only my opinion counts *Wink*). It's simple, clever and poetic and you do a wonderful job of developing these characters with smooth, quick-paced flow, while making it intriguing.

Great job! Thanks for sharing this.
All the best.

Phil
27
27
Review of Wreaths of Love  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there,

Very nice story!

Here are some comments you might want to consider:

*Bullet* “overtones of a squished banana.” – I’m not sure about this image. Does the tone of a banana change after it’s been squished?

*Bullet* “But they quite couldn’t” – This is awkward. In fact, it doesn’t even make sense. They couldn’t quite…? They couldn’t quite do what? Consider rephrasing. This sentence makes the paragraph off, IMO.

*Bullet* “seventy first” should have a hyphen in between.

*Bullet* “Tacoma,” as in Tacoma, Washington? I actually live in Olympia…grew up near Seattle. Creeped out yet? *Smile*

*Bullet* “Now the manager…” – You don’t need to say “Now.” It’s already implied.

*Bullet* “waddling in with the burden of 20 donuts on his fat ass” – This is a great line, because you go from using more sophisticated, complex language to more colloquial language, which really helps distinguish the type of character this manager is (or at least how he is perceived by the narrator).

*Bullet* “Ethel was beyond being shocked” – Why not simply saying, “Ethel was beyond shock?” And how is “obliviousness” “beyond shock?” These two lines don’t seem to connect.

*Bullet* “Mr. Blah-and-Boring” – This should be in quotes.

*Bullet* “Mr. Blah-and-Boring as Ethel liked to call him” – There should be a comma before “as” and after “him.”

*Bullet* “liver spotted” should have a hyphen in between.

*Bullet* “Her liver spotted skin became a hilly region of goose-bumps.” – Great description.

*Bullet* “She was Ethel; she was nothingness.” – Hmmm, I think this sentence would be better served as two separate sentences, rather than one sentence split by a semicolon. Semicolons are meant to avoid split infinitives, but that doesn’t seem to apply here.

*Bullet* “complied garbage of humanity” – I don’t think “complied” can be used as an adjective, and even if it can, it seems sorta awkward here. I’d suggest choosing a different word.

*Bullet* “ragged looking” – Needs a hyphen in between.

*Bullet* “Plodding to the door she yawned, and glanced at the wall clock” – There should be a comma after “door” and you don’t necessarily need one after “yawned.”

*Bullet* “running a charity here lady” – Should be a comma after “here.”

*Bullet* “he spit out this last trying to look tough” – awkward sentence. Consider revising.

*Bullet* “But it was a walk you could see through, the kind of walk that wouldn’t even fool a dog.” – I get what you’re trying to say here, but I’m not sure you’re exactly saying it. I think you mean to say that his “kick-butt” attitude is a

*Bullet* “In fact his dog, Buster frequently peed on his leg in the evenings when he watched pro-wrestling and wished for a girlfriend, but that was another story.” – A couple punctuation errors here (which changes the meaning of the sentence if not corrected): There should be a comma after “fact” and “Buster.” Also, I would omit “but that was another story.” It’s unnecessary.

*Bullet* That she’s a widow should probably come out sooner in the story. It would shed a lot of light on her situation and give the reader more context on her situation.

*Bullet* “all scavenged from the racks of the Goodwill” – Which Goodwill? If you’re going to say “the Goodwill,” there must be a specific Goodwill you have in mind. Otherwise, just say “racks of Goodwill.”

*Bullet* “She was therefore prepared for the event of her eviction, and her almost angelic descent into homelessness.” – Wait a minute…why is she homeless? How did she become homeless? There’s so much more to the story that I suspect needs to be told first. For one thing, you said earlier in the story that her life was good as far as material things go…that she lacked love. Now she’s homeless?

*Bullet* “To pass the time Ethel begged…” – You’ve done this throughout the story, so I thought it warranted notice *Wink*. Remember that you need to separate lesser clauses from the sentence’s main clause with a comma. There should be a comma after “time.”

*Bullet* I think “No mam” should be “No ma’am.”

*Bullet* “She said she hoped that it was the best she’d ever make or give, he reminded her so much of her husband, and he was such a good man; which only served Earl to remind him of what a good man he wasn’t.” – The semicolon doesn’t really fit here. I’d suggest either replacing it with a period, or (if you’re worried about the sentence running on too much) make it into its own sentence (“This only served Earl to…”).

*Bullet* “She smiled at him and walked off, to whatever hidey-hole she had burrowed into with her gnarled badger-hands.” – Excellent description.

Overall Impression:

There is so much promise to this story, but my biggest gripe is that you tend not to give enough emphasis on the parts that are most significant to the story itself. For instance, halfway through the story you still haven’t really taking the story in any kind of direction. You don’t tell us that she’s a widow or even an older woman until later in the story. Also, the wreaths she creates seems to be a very significant piece of her, as well as vital to the climax, or change, in the tale, yet you don’t bring it up until far later than you should, IMO. The first half of the story tends to lose the reader in redundant descriptions at times. Don’t get me wrong, you have a great flare for descriptions, but be careful not to apply them at the risk of slowing the story too much. In my opinion, this story really doesn’t begin until about the halfway point. I’d suggest readjusting the format, so that the description is more scattered and blended. Otherwise, I liked this, a lot. The ending was touching and well-written.

Hope that was some help. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Allthe best.

Phil
28
28
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Yaheigh,

Great story!
Here are a some comments you might consider:

*Bullet* "Sometimes, we'd just set there..." - I think "set" should be "sit."

*Bullet* "Other times we talk about things than needed done around the farm or how the cows were doing." -- I think you've got a typo here. "Than" should be "that."

*Bullet* "I'd tell him "No" and he tell his tale while we sat there in the fading light and listened to the river move on by." - "...and he tell his tale..." should be "and he told his tale."

*Bullet* "Sometimes, we'd just set there and not say a word to each other for an hour or more. Other times we talk about things than needed done around the farm or how the cows were doing. We'd talk about the big buck deer that always seemed to disappear around hunting season. Sometimes, he'd tell me a story. He'd always start out with, "Did I ever tell you about...." I'd tell him "No" and he tell his tale while we sat there in the fading light and listened to the river move on by." - I really think you should take this story out. It doesn't tell us anything about the setting or either or the characters and it doesn't really enhance the story in any way. I'd just go into his story.

*Bullet* Again, if the uncle is telling the story, it should be in quotes, or italicized. You need to distinguish it from the general narration.

*Bullet* You really should have someone re-read this piece for misused or missing commas.

*Bullet* "Getting back to Silas, my uncle said that Silas hadn't been the same for a few years." - Yeah, this is why you need quotes around the uncle's story-telling. It's a little confusing when you skip around from narration to the uncle's tale.

*Bullet* "but you know women can be" - should be, " but you know how women can be"
*Bullet* “Turns out the boy either couldn’t or wouldn’t say a world.” – “World” should be “word.”

*Bullet* “Ed said his people were the first folk and they will be last folk.” – I think you need a “the” before “last.”

*Bullet* “My uncle said Silas told him all of this himself.” – Again, you really need to distinguish which part is the uncle telling the story and which part is the narrator talking. This gets confusing.

*Bullet* “…said he kept it quite…” – “quite” should be “quiet.)

*Bullet* “and the fireflies was dancing” – I’m not sure if you mean this to be part of his accent, but grammatically speaking, it should be “fireflies were dancing.”

*Bullet* “I’ll tell you want.” – “want” should be “what.”

Overall Impression:

What great story telling! I loved this. A lot of people might be disappointed by your lack of explanation and elaboration about the people under the mountain, but I saw further explanation would ruin what you’ve got here. Better to leave that part up to the imagination of the readers. This is wonderful as it is.

I do have a few gripes. First of all, there are a whole lot of typos—or, at least, enough to make it annoying. Maybe give this piece another thorough scrub. Also, you should better distinguish who it is that’s telling the story. Upon re-reading some parts, however, I think what I mean to say is that you change tenses. In which case, you should show that you’re doing a flashback. “That’s the story I’m going to tell you now. Just the way he told it to me” is the narrator talking in past tense. However, when he begins the story, he speaks in present tense (“You know these mountains are old.”) which tells me it’s a flashback of some sort. Anyway, I’d suggest making that more distinguishable somehow. Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading so many contest entries, but that just gave me some problems initially *Wink*.

That is, of course, nit-picking. I liked this story a whole lot, and personally won’t be surprised to see it among the list of winners. I do have a lot more stories to go through, and it isn’t entirely up to me. So, we’ll have to see how the other judges make their picks *Smile*.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing this!

Phil
29
29
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there,

What a great story!

I do have some comments you might consider:

*Bullet* "At the same time Amelia lamented that life, as a chicken, was hard." - You don't necessarily need those commas after "life" and "chicken."

*Bullet* "Yes, she thought, those roosters." - In the first paragraph, you use quotations when Amelia thinks. You might want to use quotations here, as well, in order to be consistent. However, quite frankly, I think you'd be wise to omit this sentence altogether. It doesn't really add to anything. Just my opinion.

*Bullet* "...other chickens felt that this was a sign of conceit but she knew better and didn't care." - How did she "know better?" If it wasn't a sign of conceit, then what did she think it was?

*Bullet* "This was one reason why Amelia always kept her head high unlike the rest of her flock. She had learned that planning and preparation would prevent the seed of pursuit from being lost in a cloud of dust caused by a chaotic stampede of the chickens." - Ahhh, so this is why. I think it sort of comes a bit too far past the pervious sentence. I'll leave that up to you to determine, though.

*Bullet* "Watching empowered her life." - I can tell already that, though I LOVE this beginning, it really could (and probably should) be cut down a bit. This particularly point - that Amelia is conscientious of paying attention to her surroundings-has been drilled into the ground more than necessary. You might want to keep the story moving, especially since there's no dialogue.

*Bullet* Regarding Amelia's desire to give something back to the old lady for giving them their feed, haven't you already established that the lady takes her eggs...her only thing of value...in return for the feed? Why does she feel like she owes her anything?

*Bullet* "She thought just three side steps and I will have my reward." -- You should be more consistent about how you structure things. You keep changing the grammar when she thinks. There should at least be a comma after "thought." Anyway, there should be something to distinguish what she is thinking from what is narration.

*Bullet* "The fence was there to keep the other animals within the boundaries of the small farm. The farm animals were the problem and the reason that the chickens stayed as far away from the property as they did. It was just too dangerous for them to sleep and rummage around. A chicken could get stepped on and killed and that just wouldn't do at all." - Again, this story could be cut down a whole lot. So far, it's very interesting, but very slow-going. For instance, "The fence was there to keep the other animals within the boundaries of the small farm," is an unnecessary sentence. Unless the fence is there to protect the farmer and his wife from green-coated aliens, the reader can assume that at a farm with animals, the fence is erected to prohibit the animals from escaping. Another for instance, "It was just too dangerous for them to sleep and rummage around," is also an unnecessary sentence. First, why is it dangerous for the chickens to sleep? Second, if you've already established the obvious that the fences are there to keep the animals from rummaging around, you really don't need to also say that it's dangerous for the chickens to roam free...or, at least, you don't need to say it in so many words.

*Bullet* "She wanted to do more, but what? What could she do to make any kind of difference to any one?" - Just a suggestion...take out these kinds of rhetorical questions. They tend to offset the flow of a story and they're a bit hackneyed, which doesn't suit you, because I can tell already you're quite a gifted writer.

*Bullet* The scene where Amelia "makes contact" with the lady by showing affection is wonderful! This really seems to be the true start to the story, so why does it come so late in the story, I wonder. Just something to consider.

*Bullet* "The next morning, after sitting on the fence for several hours, Amelia realized she had only been wishing that she could do something. The problem, as she saw it, was that she had decided she could do nothing, and that decision determined exactly what she was going to do - Nothing!" - Again, these sentence need to be simplified, IMO. Just say what you mean, otherwise, you risk rambling a bit.

*Bullet* "The crows, being a cynical brood..." - I would consider using a different word than "brood."

Overall Impression:

This is incredibly unique and you do a great job at capturing life from the eyes of a chicken. However, my biggest gripe is that this really needs to be edited down. You lose the reader very quickly because of unnecessary redundancy in the description, overkill on pointing out irrelevant things (by irrelevant, I mean irrelevant to the story itself), and by not actually getting to the story until very, very late into it. I kept wondering what the point was, and that's dangerous, because it means you might lose some of your readers. Also, I was waiting for more encounters when Amelia went on her journey. A story this long could really use some dialogue. I mean, didn't she run into other farm animals? Didn't she come across more wildlife than the crows? Wouldn't it be relevant to her journey to become an individual if she could see how other animals live and think? The story really lagged at parts, especially at the beginning.

I realize that sounds overly harsh...sorry about that. I just think with your writing ability, you can make this into something much better, because the concept and premise is wonderful! That being said, I think you've got an excellent way with language. You have a great sense of how to structure your sentences, and you really do get in the mind of the chicken. I'm in love with this idea! I just think there's so much more you can do with it, using much fewer words. Hopefully you continue re-working this, because it's potential is endless!

Hope I was some help and not just blowing smoke.
All the best!

Phil
30
30
Review of Winter's Solace  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi kat!

I liked this story a lot. I do have some comments you might consider, though.

*Bullet* "So, there he is, the old boy. All hooked up to a bunch of machines, tubes of foreign fluids sticking into him, coiled by his side." - This is a very awkward start. First, the sentence, "All hooked up to a bunch..." should be part of the first sentence. I'm not sure why you start the story with "So, there he is..." instead of just saying, "The old boy was hooked up to a bunch of machines, tubes of foreign fluids sticking into him, coiled by his side." This would make it much clearer and smoother to read. Also, that last part, "coiled by his side," is misplaced. I'm pretty sure you mean to say that the tubes are coiled by his side, but the way this is written suggests that the machines are coiled by his side. You might consider writing that part as, "...coiled tubes of foreign fluids sticking into him."

*Bullet* The first paragraph has a lot of promise, but I think there's some unnecessary redundancy in the description, which might detract from the significance of the experience. I'd suggest cutting this down a bit to get the story moving a bit quicker. That's just a suggestion. Someone else might think the opposite, but I really think this first paragraph would be much more powerful and impacting with less redundancy.

*Bullet* "Her presence makes it all real now." - Makes what all real? I'm assuming you mean the experience of seeing one's father all decrepit and ill, but you need to be more specific about that, IMO.

*Bullet* "...affectionate propaganda." - I don't really understand this description. How is affection propaganda? I'd consider choosing a different word.

*Bullet* "No one ever means it right." -- There should be a comma after "it."

*Bullet* ""Brian..." she starts, as the dreaded tears well up in her eyes and I spy the wastebasket of tissues indicating she's been doing this crying bit for ages." -- First, this sentence is sort of a run-on. I'd suggest inserting a period after "eyes," and omitting the "and." Also, there should be a comma after "tissues."

*Bullet* "She doesn't seem bothered by it though, in fact, I don't think..." - You never want two transition words next to each other (as in "though" and "in fact"). "In fact" should start a new sentence.
*Bullet* "Well, that was kind of blunt wouldn't you say?" - There should be a comma after "blunt."

*Bullet* "...'All that matters to me is that his suffering is nearly over'." - In this quote, the quotation at the end should come after the period, not before. For example, She said, "Today I ran to school." is correct. She said, "Today I ran to school". is incorrect.

*Bullet* "I didn't know of course that he would get the dreaded "C" word." - There should be a comma after "know" and after "course."

*Bullet* "Instead I peer outside again and see huge feathery snowflakes swirling through the air." - There should be a comma after "Instead."

*Bullet* "People are always looking for a death to spice up their lives aren't they?" - This is a GREAT line that brings out the personality of the narrator very well and very clearly. I would actually suggest bringing this line to the front of the piece and working off of it rather than the first paragraph you use. This line gets more to the point of what the narrator is feeling. A very good job of characterization here.

*Bullet* "I mean,..." - You say this far too often. Just tell us what the narrator means. You don't have to say this.
*Bullet* "He sighs that familiar sigh, the one that tells me that again I have ceased to surprise him with what I don't understand." - This is a good sentence, but structure-wise it's a bit awkward. The word "ceased" also doesn't fit here. I'd suggest rephrasing as, "He sighs that familiar sigh; the one that reminds me how little of life I understand." (or something like that)

*Bullet* " 'Here I am," I think to myself "and I'm not leaving this time, until it's done, or until hell freezes over, whichever is first'." -- If someone is thinking something, what that character is thinking is typically represented in italics.

*Bullet* "Phosphorescent lights are everywhere, peeking through the snow, and the colours let me realize that Christmas is near." - Excellent sentence. This is a great way to subtly hint at the time of year.

*Bullet* "Are you scared, I wonder silently?" - Again, he's thinking this, so the "I wondered silently" part shouldn't be followed by the question mark, since it's not actually part of the question. I'd suggest writing it as, "Are you scared? He wondered silently." Also, who's the "he?" Are you talking about the father or the narrator? If you're talking about the narrator, shouldn't it be "I," since the rest of the story is in first-person perspective?

*Bullet* " '"I mean, why don't you ever speak to me?'." - You don't need the period after the question mark. The question mark is sufficient punctuation.

*Bullet* "I take my time, I am not sure how I shall respond or what may come forth, but I know I have to go to that bed." - This is a run-on sentence. Break it up into two sentences.

*Bullet* " 'My only son is here and I don't really think that he cares that I'm dying,' " - I would suggest being careful not to overuse "that." You tend to use it a lot throughout the piece, and it can be distracting if overdone, especially when it isn't needed.

*Bullet* "Yet, as I stand here looking at this man, who spies me with pleading eyes, I realize I need to seize this moment. I have been given a rare opportunity, and I can't let it die." - This is such a wonderful moment...the point of change in the narrator. You do an excellent job at extracting the thoughts of the character here. A couple small suggestions, though. First, the word "spies" doesn't fit here. To spy implies watching someone without them knowing you're watching them, which is certainly not the case with the narrator's father. Second, regarding that last part, "I can't let it die,"...this is a very good line, in part because of the irony that the father is about to die. You might even consider saying something like, "...and I can't let it die with him." That's just a thought that came to mind. I'll leave it to your genius to determine whether or not it's the best way to go.

*Bullet* " '...and I know I've not succeeded, in fact, I think you are...' " - "In fact" should start a new sentence.

*Bullet* "...a woman so bored with her own life that visiting the deathbeds of others had become a hobby..." - This is a great description!

*Bullet* ""You think I'm disappointed in you, is that it?" he asks sharply. I find I cannot respond, and turn away to face the falling snow, which is warmer to me than any other view at this time. So calm, so peaceful, so simply white. Snowflakes are so much like people, fluttering aimlessly to reach a destination, and not one like another. How lovely to float randomly, and to be content wherever you land. My silence is too much for him, I can hear the impatience in the clicking of his tongue. He continues, " I have never once said I was ashamed of you." - I like this paragraph a lot. Great analogy of people to snowflakes, and great description of the impatient father's tongue clicking. Well done.

*Bullet* ""I didn't say ashamed dad," I said disappointed. "There's a difference..." -Why is "I said disappointed" not also in quotes? Also, I'm not sure I agree with your narrator about the difference between shame and disappointment *Wink*.

Overall Impression:

This is a very nice story. The ending is excellent! Also, I think you've got the foundation for some good dialogue. I have a few gripes, though. First, the piece needs some elbow grease to fix the grammatical errors, especially regarding punctuation. Also, I think a lot of the description, though very good, could be cut down a bit. Too much description can cause the reader to lose interest, and you don't want that...especially with such a great story. Also, be careful about run-on sentences. This goes back to the punctuation issue.

All in all, I liked this story a lot, especially the ending. I think there are some bugs to work out, but I think the story is strong enough in its foundation to warrant fixing those bugs. Excellent story telling. You certainly know how to spin a tale. Put some more emphasis in fluidity and I think you could have something pretty darn great here.

Thanks so much for sharing this with us!

All the best,
Phil
31
31
Review of Oh Night  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Frank!

I've always been a fan of your poetry, so when I saw this on the plug page, I had to read it! I wasn't disappointed, either.

I do have some comments you might wish to consider, however.

*Bullet*If you're looking to be consistent with punctuation, I would add a period after "bright" in the second line as well as a period after "gloom" in the second line of the second stanza.

*Bullet*I love the first stanza. What a great picture of the sky and its "sentries."

*Bullet*"Sadly though your astral song,/Shan't sing its splendor very long." I find these lines a bit awkward. You might consider re-working them some.

*Bullet*You don't need a period after "provide" in the first line of the last stanza.

*Bullet*I don't really like your word choice in "shimmering" to describe "warmth." How can a warmth be shimmering? You're using some visual to describe a feeling, which seems a bit off to me.

*Bullet*"The new day fledged with gushing birth,/Inspiriting life upon the earth." These are two excellent lines. Well done.

Though this isn't my favorite poem of yours I've read (and I mean that as a compliment to your poetry), I do like it a lot. There are some great images in this. I think it could use some fine-tuning, but your talent certainly comes out in this once again.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Phil
32
32
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Shelley,

Welcome to writing.com! I saw your request for a review in the Store Café forum, so I decided to oblige.

I thought this was a very charming story, one certainly worthy of further development. You’re onto something with this. I do think it might need some more drafting. Here are some suggestions you might consider:

*Bullet* “A deep gold antique ring, centered with a brilliantly colored opal, uniquely had a smiling face carved into it.” This sentence is a bit awkward to me. First, there are two many adjectives tagged to the ring. I would omit “deep” (I don’t think you need that). Second, instead of saying that the opal was “brilliantly colored,” you might want to say what the color was. Otherwise, you leave the reader guessing. Third, I would rephrase that last part to say, “…had a smiling face uniquely carved into it,” since you’re describing specifically how it was carved into the ring.

*Bullet* “…cold damp…” should have a comma in between.

*Bullet* “My husband yelled up from the cellar.” I’d take out the “up.”

*Bullet* “Clinging to an antiquated ladder I hollered back.” There should be a comma after “ladder,” to separate the two clauses.

*Bullet* “An hour had passed…” I’d suggest omitting the “had.” Give it a more active voice.

*Bullet* “…I’d ever knew.” This should read, “I’d ever known.”

*Bullet* “…scratched his head and asked. “Why don’t we just…” There should be a comma after “asked.”

*Bullet* “over-sized” is one word and doesn’t need to be hyphened.

*Bullet* “Rubbing my hands together I pouted my lips and snapped.” Again, you need a comma after “together” to separate the clauses.

*Bullet* “There probably just junk…” ”There” should be “They’re.”

*Bullet* “…and asked. “Is it worth anythin’?” Again, there should be a comma after “asked.” You might want to check the piece again for this, because there were numerous spots where this occurred.

*Bullet* “Masterfully, he sprinkled the loose tobacco into a rollin’ paper and before you could blink an eye… he had it rolled and lit.” This is a GREAT sentence. Wonderful characterization here! You’ve got other impressive sentences, but I thought this one was specifically worth noting.

*Bullet* “She discovered it’s mystical powers…” ”It’s” shouldn’t have an apostrophe, since it’s a possessive, not a contraction.”

*Bullet* “pappy’s trousers” I think “pappy’s” should be capitalized, since it’s a proper noun in this case.”

*Bullet* “Disappointed she quietly cursed…” Again, be careful about separation of clauses. There should be a comma after “Disappointed.” Same goes for “Respectfully she reached…” a few lines later.

*Bullet* “…being that is was the president and all.” I think you mean to say, “being that it was…”

*Bullet* “A coalminer was a cleaner site…” ”Site” should be “sight.”

*Bullet* ““I just want to finish this last wall.” You forgot to close the quotations.

*Bullet* “I told you them their chimney’s needed cleaned out.” Take out the extra “them.”

Overall Impression

I think you’ve got something here. You’re definitely on the right track. You set up a great relationship between the narrator and her husband and do a pretty good job at developing their character personalities, as well. I do think you probably should go back and give the piece a good scrubbing for grammatical errors. Also, I would suggest cutting back on the heavy accents. It definitely adds a bit of charm to the characters, but it can make the read somewhat choppy at times. Also, I would suggest not using slang in the narration. At times, you say things like “goin’” instead of “going,” and it gets kind of distracting when it’s part of the narration and not the dialogue. I love the story of the ring. You give the reader great insight into the narrator’s character with that. From that bit, we get the feel that she very much loved her grandmother, that she’s a bit superstitious herself, and that she’s a little sentimental. I like the ending, too, though I might suggest omitting that very last bit, where the husband apologizes. You might try making it more subtle and let the reader reach the conclusion of the husband’s reaction on his or her own. Perhaps say something to the effect of how surprised he looked. I dunno, that’s just a suggestion.

Anyway, overall I really enjoyed reading this. I think it might need some draft work, but you’ve certainly laid a great stage to work with. This story is worthy of more attention, as it’s a great premise and the characterization is well-developed.

Thanks for letting me read it. I hope I was at least some help.
All the best!

Philthy
33
33
Review of Pain  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jasna,

This is a very nice poem. It's short, simple and very direct with its images. You do a nice job of using color to convey a feeling of comfort to associate with care.

One thing to note: In the line, "as bitter, as tears swallowed at midnight"...you don't need a comma after "bitter." Also, I'm not sure I understand thing image. What is swallowing the tears? Are you talking about the darkness? I think that might need to be clearer in order to increase the impact of that image. Otherwise, it's sort of swallowed up in the poem *Wink*.

I like the ending to this. The twist on words is very real and transitions the poem from being very abstract to very clear very quickly. However, I would suggest a bit more buffer, or transition from one to the other, just to improve the flow of the poem. You want to be careful not to lead the leader too far into abstract imagery of care without hinting to them what that has to do with "him" saying "take care" as opposed to "I care."

This is a nice poem. You definitely have a poet's mind. Though I think this could be expounded a bit, I'm impressed with your sense of language and ability to capture the reader intrigue with nuance and sensation.

Very well done. Welcome to writing.com. I hope you find it fun and helpful *Smile*.

Phil
34
34
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Susannah! (Oh, don't you cry for me...)

K, well...it's close enough. You invited me to check out your port, so I thought I'd stop and do a bit of reading as well while I had a break.
Here are a few comments.

*Bullet* “…thinking about the sciatica that resulted in Carrie's doctor taking her out on disability today.” This part of the sentence seemed a bit awkward to me. You might consider revising to something like, “…thinking about the sciatica that caused her doctor to take her out (take her out where? Take her out of work?) on disability (for the day or starting today?).”

*Bullet* I find it ironic that she’s excited about getting out of work only to go home to more work in building a nursery…also that she’s concerned about her safety enough to take care to hold onto the railing, yet she’s likely headed to a high risk environment for a pregnant lady as she looks to put together her nursery *Smile*

*Bullet* “"I know, I won't forget; I haven't missed one yet, have I?" I think a period would work better than a semicolon in this case.

*Bullet* “Carrie had watched him back down the driveway and waved.” You might try simplifying this sentence, so that it reads, “Carrie waved as he backed down the driveway.”

*Bullet* “Now in her car, Carrie rested her arm on the little bump below her breasts, and navigated the parking structure.” You might want to mention here that she’s on her way home from work and no longer recalling the morning’s happenings. Otherwise, it might seem like she’s in her car after waving to her husband.

*Bullet* “Shrugging to herself, she drove the short distance home.” Why is she shrugging to herself? It just seems a bit off to me, but it could just be me nit-picking *Smile* (Wait, I NEVER do that *Wink*). You might think to have her sigh or something instead.

*Bullet* “Shrugging to herself, she drove the short distance home. Pulling into the driveway, she was surprised to see Rudy's black Lexus already in the driveway. Confusion pinched at her face. Slamming the car door shut, she started toward the house.” OK, you should be careful here. Of the four consecutive sentences here, three of them begin with a subordinate clause, which can really weaken the significance of what’s happening. Try some more active voice…if anything to mix things up a bit.”

*Bullet* “The kitchen and living room was empty…” “Was” should be “were.”

*Bullet* “Her blood going cold, she made her way to their bedroom. Pushing the partly closed door open, she sucked in her breath at what she saw.” Again, using consecutive sentences with passive voice is really risky. I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that writers need to use passive voice in order to be dramatic. However, I think (and as most teachers of writing will tell you) passive writing can often detract from the drama of a situation, because it pulls emphasis off the verbs. I would suggest using more active voice and stronger verbs, especially during scenes like these. Also, I’m not sure I think leaving this scene so open…that is to say, leaving the paragraph with a mini cliff hanger about what she saw…might over-stretch the drama a bit. I’ll leave that for you to decide, because it’s not necessarily a bad tactic at all, it just seems to me that with her walking through the house the way she does, the drama of the scene is already in place and you don’t need the mini cliff hanger added to it. I might be wrong about that, however. I’ll have to re-read that part with a fresh eye later.

*Bullet* Ooh, you might hate this suggestion, but I thought I’d throw it out there for you to consider. Instead of having Carrie catch her husband the way that she does, you might consider that the first thing she sees upon walking into the room is a woman’s hand protruding from underneath Carrie’s down comforter…or, a woman’s hand protruding from the down comforter while her fingers are locked with a man’s fingers that have a familiar wedding ring on it. OK, I’m just throwing stuff out there now. I like the way you did it, too…I’m just getting into the mood *Wink*.

Overall ImpressionHoly CRAP! What a sad, sad tale! Why did I have to pick such a sad story?! Overall, this is a nice bit of storytelling, though I seriously hope it’s a fictional tale. The biggest thing I’d suggest is to be careful of overdoing the passive voice. There are several examples in the piece where I think the drama of the scenario might be better conveyed with more active voice. Passive voice certainly has its place, but I think this piece would be better suited with stronger, more-emphasized verbs. The transition from “just a normal day” to “this is the worst day of my life” is brilliant…very smooth. It just sort of hits you, which isn’t all good, because it’s such a sad story *Smile*. Anyway, very well done. I’ll have to pick out a more cheerful tale next time *Wink*. Thanks for inviting me to check out your port. I’m glad I did.

All the best,

Phil
35
35
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice poll. It asks a very important question, too. The one thing I was somewhat disappointed in is the fact that I think it's missing a very important option. I've read quite a lot of King's work, and personally, I don't think he's a very good horror writer at all. That being said, I think he's brilliant with every other genre. If you look at his writing history, he didn't start off with horror. It seems to me that since he started off selling his horror stuff first (it's a popular genre and was very hot in the early 80s) he continued writing horror. His greatest works, however, are the ones that aren't horror...The Dark Tower series, for example; The Shawshank Redemption (under the pen name Richard Bachman); Stand by Me; The Green Mile; etc...

I thought the Shining was cliched and boring (specifically the ending). I thought The Tommy Knockers was absurd. I hated Cujo. There were a few of his horrors that I thought weren't bad, like Misery and Pet Cemetary, but they didn't compare to his non-horror stories.

That's just my opinion, but I wish there was that option to pick from *Smile*.

Thanks for sharing. This was a good topic. (Why does King seem to have such a huge following at writing.com anyway?).

Phil
36
36
Review of Step  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Verm!

Haven't seen you around for a while, so I thought I'd sneak into your port. Hope that's OK.

This was a difficult one to review for me, because I absolutely love the images, especially such stanzas as "The bottom cuffs/of her jeans/drag threads/along the bare carpet." I do think the rhythm could use some work. There are some adjectives that feel a bit crammed into their lines. For example, "Her key glitters/against her bitten nails..." is a very rich description. However, "bitten" seems to be one word too many and almost makes it sound forced to me, IMO. On the one hand, I love the image you're trying to convey here...she's very nervous, very anxious. This is a great subtle image to portray that characteristic. However, syntactically speaking it seems to disrupt the flow a bit.

Also, what's a "wing nub?" I've just never heard the term before and I was curious as to what it meant.

The last stanza is excellent and I love how "To fly" is given its own line.

Another thing I'd suggest might be to capitalize the first letter in each line. I think it might help tidy the piece up a bit. That's just an opinion, though. Really, that's a style thing more than anything else, but poems typically follow that fashion.

I liked this a lot. It's very simple, yet very powerful in its subtlety. You're careful to select just the right adjectives and it really helps enhance the piece. I do think that the flow of the read could be given more attention, but otherwise the poem really stood out.

Well done. Thanks for sharing this.

Phil
37
37
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi writers,

Nice job! I enjoyed this, especially the ending.

*Bullet* "Feel free to sit,/or choose to stand,but it's time to contemplate life's demands."
I don't see what these lines have to do with the rest of the poem. The poem is ultimately about the mystery of death, but this is about "life's demands." You set this poem up to be about life's demands, but then you don't mention another thing about life's demands. I would omit this part personally.

*Bullet* "So do not forsake the passing hours, for death, will surely show its power."
This is a bit awkward. I might re-word it a bit, especially if you do chose to take out he first few lines. I might word this as, "Do not forsake life's passing hours, for death is soon to show its powers" (or something like that...just a suggestion){/c)

*Bullet* "Now although..."-- You don't need to have "now" before "although."

*Bullet* I love the ending! I think it's great. The ending makes the poem, and the use of ellipses is wonderful. The only other suggestion I would make is to perhaps capitalize the first letter of each line as most poems do. Just a thought.

Very well done.

Phil
38
38
Review by Philthy
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Turtle! *Smile*

This is a really interesting poll, but I wasn't too sure about the choices. First, a few of them seemed to overlap, which might give you inaccurate feedback. Also, I didn't like any of the choices. My biggest concern with Maher's comments was that he seemed so quick to bash every single Christian (keep in mind that one sect of Christianity might be more different from another sect than Catholicism is to Jahova's Witness), yet he didn't do any research to be able to add credibility to his claim. Is religion a neurogical disorder? To some, I believe it is. However, the problem doesn't have to do with the religion necessarily, but with the person's approach to that religion. Rather than making an education argument, Maher just whines.

Regarding the comment, "the Bible is a book of fairy tales..." I would most certainly agree. Jesus told stories...it's what he did. If you're trying to explain God/the eternal to something that is not of the eternal, it won't work without first saying what God/the eternal is like. Therefore, the Bible HAS to be filled with "fairy tales."

But I digress. perhaps I'm projecting my beliefs and I don't mean to.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. :)

Philthy
39
39
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Viv!

What a wonderful Christmas story! Sometimes the most powerful statements can be made in the simplest tales. You do a wonderful job at capturing the warmth of the relationship between the great-grandparent and her great-grandchildren. Excellent use of language--not overdone, yet very strategic. In addition, the grammar is excellent!

I only have a few nit-picky comments for you to consider:

*Bullet* "She sighed as he wrapped both his wife and child in his arms. ‘I know that’s something silly to be worried about.’ *Right* It's not a huge deal, but it's not very clear who's saying "I know that's something silly to be worried about." Is it the wife or the husband?

*Bullet* " “The woman, not much more than a girl herself, lifted her head. ‘We could let her open that gift tonight.’" *Right* Again, who's saying this line? Is it the husband continuing his thought from the previous paragraph? I assume, since you made a completely new paragraph and the previous sentence focuses on the wife that she's the one saying it, but I wasn't completely sure. I just thought I'd mention that. It's kind of a nit-picky thing.

*Bullet* You might have to look into this one, but the dictionary I'm looking at has "living room" as one word. However, I see it spelled as two quite frequently, so I'll leave it up to you.

Anyway, I really do like this a lot! I've read a lot of Christmas tales on this site recently, but very few really do a great job at capturing the warmth of Christmas. This one does it wonderfully.

Thanks for helping me to get into the Christmas spirit!

*Smile* Merry Christmas and all the best!

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
40
40
Review of VIRTUES AND FLAWS  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi Lean,

Sorry about the harshness in rating. I really do like this piece. I think you're point is very important and very well though out. However, I think the barrage of grammatical error really hurts the power of this piece, which is just too bad. You have so much to say here that it's a tragedy that your wonderful words are being buried by some technicalities. By addressing these issues, however, I think you might potentially have a great thing here. So, I probably rated a bit lower than it deserves because I really hope you work on this so that the power of the prose can surface.

Here are some things you might want to consider:

*Bullet* "exagerrate" should be "exaggerate."

*Bullet* "... we may be inverting ourselves, to compensate for the blind-spot that we may have."*Right* Why do you use ellipses after "complex?" The previous part was the subordinate clause to this independant clause. Therefore, it should be separated by a comma. In addition, "blind-spot" should not be hyphened. Furthermore, "inverting" ourselves isn't the word you're looking for. "Invert" typically refers to a physical movement (Inverting a subject and predicate, or invert from upside down to right-side-up). Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here. I think you simply mean that we're trying to compensate for some blind spot we may have -- the part about inverting seems unnecessary.

*Bullet* "Those who boastfully maximize themselves (excessively)..."*Right* I'd suggest changing this to, "Those who boastfully maximize themselves to excess...".

*Bullet* "...tend to minimize/diminish others- because their perspective-point, is located far above the horizon line of reality;..."*Right* This is very confusing. There's too much unnecessary punctuation. First, the dash (if you're going to use a dash, it should be two "-", not just one. One is for a hyphen) shouldn't be there at all. It should be a comma if anything. Second, "perspective-point" should not have a hyphen in between. Third, I have no idea what you're trying to get at with "their perspective point is far above the horizon line of reality." Be more specific. Are you simply saying that they're out of touch with reality? If so, just say that. Finally, "located far above" is redundant. Just say "is far above."

*Bullet* "...and their pedestal is too high, so as to skew their perception of others."*Right* Again, I don't understand what you're trying to get at. First, this entire paragraph needs to be broken up into separate sentences. Second, be more specific when you talk about their "pedestal" being too high. "...so as to skey their perception..." doesn't work syntactically. Instead, try saying "which skews their perception of others."

*Bullet* Let's go back to that paragraph for a moment:

"Those who boastfully maximize themselves (excessively), tend to minimize/diminish others- because their perspective-point, is located far above the horizon line of reality; and their pedestal is too high, so as to skew their perception of others"

*Right* I would write this as (without completely changing your voice or style of wordage, "Those who boastfully maximize themselves (even this is awkward) to excess (you don't need a comma here)tend to minimize/diminish others, because they are out of touch with reality. In addition, they have a skewed perception of others, because they are so focused on themselves."

...or something like that. The last part is almost unnecessary, however, since you're repeating the point that they put themselves on a ridiculously high pedestal.

*Bullet* "And/or could it (also) be:"*Right* Take out the "and/or." It's already implied by you asking the question.

*Bullet* "I'm trying to minimize the minimizers,so that my pedestal is raised?"*Right* Rather than say it in so many words, why not just say, "Could it be that I'm doing this very thing?" (or something like that). Great writing often occurs when the author can say the most, while using fewer words. It just makes things a whole lot clearer.

*Bullet* "What's your perception; and where is your perspective-point located?"*arrow* The semicolon is misused. The second part is a continuation of the first part, not a separate clause. Moreover, "perspective point" doesn't work in this piece, if not for any other reason than the fact that you haven't established a spectrum of perspectiveness. You can't label a perspective point without giving the reader some understanding of what that means. If you were to write a description of some kind of perspective spectrum to establish that different people are at different points, then explain to some degree what that means, then "perspective point" might mean something. However, as it is, it has little relevance to the reader.

Anyway, I hope this is some help. I really do like this piece. I think you’ve got a whole lot to say and a very powerful voice of the pen. I’d love to re-read this once you’ve addressed some of the grammatical issues.

Keep on writing!
All the best!

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
41
41
Review of Wishes and Dreams  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Brat!

Thanks for sharing this. It's quite an interesting read. Here are a few things you might consider:

*Bullet* You don't need a comma after the first line.

*Bullet* "When I could make a wish /On a star so bright /And you be there to lighten up my night" -- This is an awkward sentence and really doesn't work syntactically. I would revise it and write it as "When I could make a wish on a star so bright, you'd be there to lighten up my night" or something like that.

*Bullet* I would strongly suggest adding proper punctuation to this. Otherwise, words tend to jumble into one another.

This poem has a lot of promise, but it gets somewhat unnecessarily repetitious at times. Also, I'd suggest not breaking up the lines where you do. It really doesn't flow as well that way.

Hope this was some help. Thanks for sharing this.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
42
42
Review of Untitiled  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Gambit!

This is a very nice poem. I think there are some things that you might want to consider, but I do think you're on the right track.

*Bullet* "Before I start to stroke" -- Start to stroke what? Start to have a stroke? I think it might be clearer if you write it that way, if that's what you mean. Just a suggestion.

*Bullet* "Inside his head a learned man/what mistakes he has made" -- Whose head? The garbage man's? You should identify the person you're talking about before you use the pronoun "his."

*Bullet* Why is "Garbage" in "Garbage man" capitalized?

*Bullet* "ryme" should be "rhyme"

*Bullet* "brids" should be "birds"

*Bullet* What boom above your head? A boom from the birds? I've never heard a bird boom. Clarify.

This poem has very nice flow to it, but it sort of gets confusing toward the end. I'm not sure what your point is, but I do think there is one. I think inserting proper punctuation would really help solve some of these problems. Periods and commas can go a long way in assisting the reader as a guide on how the poem should flow.

Thanks much for sharing.
All the best,

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
43
43
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lexi,

I think this is hilarious and very well-written. I only found one small grammar error (listed below). I would suggest, however, that you keep the text color black (it's just more professional that way). Other than that, I thought this was a nice piece. I almost wish you would elaborate on your embarrassment at the end, but I'm not completely convinced that that wouldn't ruin the effect. I'll have to think about that.

*Bullet* "plain looking" should be "plain-looking".

Very nicely written. Thanks for sharing. It made me laugh *Smile*.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
44
44
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shaara!

This is very touching and well-written. I don't have a whole lot to say about it, except that I don't think it's a good idea to have "THEN" in all caps. It's quite amateurish, to be quite frank. Also, I don't think the word "then" is the best word to use in that context. It seems unspecific and unfitting.

However, other than that nit-picky thing, I really like this poem. I'm not usually a fan of the style, but when I come across one that is, in fact, well done, even I can appreciate it *Smile*.

It's obvious that you're a writer. Very well crafted!

Thanks for sharing and helping me get into the Christmas spirit!

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
45
45
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Texas!

What a charming little poem. I LOVE Oompa Loompas. Here are a few things to consider:

*Bullet* You don't need an exclamation mark after the first "Loompa" since the sentence is continued on the next line.

*Bullet* You don't need a comma after "cranky"

*Bullet* If he's beneath your bed, how does he thump you on the head? hehe

*Bullet* There should be a period after "taps"

*Bullet* I'm not sure why you use "~". It doesn't really add much to the piece. I think it's sort of distracting to be honest.

*Bullet* The ending is quite peculiar. It doesn't fit the flow of the rest of the piece at all. Also, you lose some of the poem's charm with that ending. I'd suggest revising it a bit. Also, "perfect" and "reject" is kind of a reach for a rhyme ;).

This really is quite a charming poem. Other than those few nit-picky things, I liked this a lot.

Thanks for sharing this.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
46
46
Review of Silent Prayer  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Elsie!

Very nice job! I think this poem has a lot going for it, but I do think it needs a bit of re-work in order to be great. Here are some things to consider:

*Bullet* "Just an angel/That's all I have to say." -- Who/what is just an angel? This needs to be clearer, I think. Otherwise, it bears no significance to the reader at all.

*Bullet* "how it makes me feel/to feel this drain" -- this is an unnecessary redundancy. I understand that you wrote this to make the rhyme work, but syntactically, it should be written as "how this drain makes me feel." To repeat the word "feel" to this degree and within the same point makes the rhyme sound forced, IMO. Also, when you say "feel" a third time, you are still referring to the same thing that the narrator's feeling, in which case, the rhyme is very redundant.

*Bullet* "The kindest first one." -- First one what? First child? Be more specific.

*Bullet* "heaven sent" should have a hyphen between it.

*Bullet* In addition, "heaven-sent back above" doesn't make any sense. "Heaven-sent" means that he's been sent down from heaven, whereas "sent back above" means that he's been returned to heaven. In the first case, "back above" doesn't work. In the latter case, "heaven" doesn't work, because "back above" implies "heaven" and heaven can't send something back to itself--it can receive something to itself. However, it doesn't work syntactically to say that something sends something to itself. Irregardless, that sentence doesn't make much sense.

Overall, this poem has a lot of promise. There's some good flow and a good sense of presenting images. However, I do think it needs a bit of work. Hopefully these suggestions are at least a little helpful.

All the best,

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


47
47
Review of Amazing  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Elsie,

Thanks for sharing this poem. It's got some good aspects to it. I do think it needs a bit of revision. Here are some things you might wish to consider:

*Bullet* "A feeling that is just so strong,/makes me feel "This is where I belong"." -- I don't understand this. You feel you belong in "Amazing?"

*Bullet* "We thank the father/We thank the ghost,/We thank the son" =- Usually, Father, Ghost, and Son, in this context, are capitalized.

*Bullet* "whom we love the most." -- You're referring to the holy trinity...which is predominantly a Catholic thing, but also a Christian thing. In which case, how can you love the Son more than Father and Holy Ghost? The whole point of the trinity (I don't know of any other interpretation of it, at least) is that the three are three parts of one. This makes that line in your poem very confusing.

*Bullet* "I pray this one my soul to make" -- This one what? This dream? If you're awake, then this what?

*Bullet* "As I look back it seems so clear,/that I feel alive, not just here." -- Look back at what? Don't assume your reader automatically knows what you mean to say unless you say it.

*Bullet* "a mere pride" should be "mere pride" without the "a"

*Bullet* "to know that you are by my side." -- The poem abruptly shifts focus from "Amazing" to the trinity and now to whomever "you" is. This sudden shifts makes the poems' theme very unclear.

*Bullet* "wil" should be "will"

*Bullet* "Through thick and thin/it wil all begin.
To strive for the best,/not for the rest." -- I'm confused. I thought this was a poem about how life is great ("amazing") and how we love the Son. This is the first time we see anything about being the best. Also, "it will all begin"..."what will all begin?"

*Bullet* "Amazing is just this one man." -- What one man? Do you mean you? I have no idea who you're talking about.

Overall, this poem has a lot of promise...a lot of promise. There's good flow, appropriate use of consistency...I get the sense that you have a great message here. I just can't figure out what it is because of the abrupt jumps and lack of clarity in the transitions. I think with some re-work, this poem could really be something. I think it's good, but not quite where it could be. Try reading it aloud slowly, or have someone else read it aloud to you. Listen from an objective ear and see what jumps at you and what doesn't really connect. It's almost like you had so much to say that you left out some important parts. Keep at this. It's definitely worth the attention.

I hope this was some help. Thanks for listening.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
48
48
Review of Describing Women  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi W.D.!

I actually laughed the first time I read this, but onlly because I couldn't imagine trying to read the thing outloud *Smile*.

You forgot "laden with lasciviousness" *Smile*.

This is a well thought out list poem of sorts. It's a poem of adjectives, which is certainly quite risky -- many would argue that an adjective dump simply muddles the significance of a poem. However, I think in this context it's more than fitting and really quite clever.

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's very vivid picture of women...except you also forgot the nagging part (JUST KIDDING -- for those women who might be reading this review *Wink*).

All the best,

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

49
49
Review of Tell Not A Soul.  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Jeanie,

This poem has a lot of potential. There are some great images here and impressive rhythm. However, I do think there's some aspects that need much polish. Here are some things you might consider:

*Bullet* The first stanza doesn't make any sense. It isnt' even a complete though, just one subordinate clause.

*Bullet* "rainy deep within your heart" should be "raining deep within your heart"

*Bullet* This stanza needs some revising:

"Emotions roaring, as acting has/come so easily while putting on/a front to hide what you really/feel inside, while not telling a/living soul"

Too many "whiles," take one of them out. Also, it's really redundant. By its definition, acting is putting on a front and at the same time it already implies hiding what you're feeling on the inside in this context. In addition, hiding what you feel to everyone is the exact same thing as not telling a living soul. The point is that there are some extreme redundancies that should be addressed in this stanza.

*Bullet* "Years go rolling by, while feeling/clever inside for not telling one soul," -- First, you've repeated "not telling one soul" again. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. Also, this sentence says that the years are feeling clever for not telling one soul. Make sure your predicates match up to your subjects.

*Bullet* "Your mind wanders to and fro,/ while trying to keep a level head,/ looking back, looking ahead feelings /that have never gone away sure/ no one
can tell for you are never telling a soul."

I'm really sorry, but I don't have a clue what you just said. "looking ahead feelings that have never gone away sure no one can tell for you are never telling a soul" is not a sentence and comes across as a jumble of words. There are a LOT of issues like this in this poem. However, I don't think it's as big a problem as it seems. I think that 90% of these problems can be fixed simply by using appropriate grammer, including proper punctuation. Most people believe that there is no place for periods, for example, in poetry. That is a complete myth. In fact, if you search through most of the great works of poets in the medieval period and romantic period and even through the history of the "great" (if there are any :P) American poets, you'll find that they pretty much all use puncuation in their poems. Punctuation is the poet's tool to control how the poem is read. Without it, the poet runs the risk of jumbling words. The only one I can think of who's really had any success without proper punctuation was EE Cummings, and personally, I think he failed at it, too.

This poem has a lot of promise, but the power of the words are diluted by lack of punctuation and many grammatical errors. These things are easily fixable, though. I also think the repetition is sort of overkill. There are appropriate times for repetition, but in this sense, the repetition is done at random intervals and doesn't enhance the theme of the poem.

On the plus side, there are some very, very good images in this. As a reader, that's my biggest frustration, because the grammar errors hide those images. I re-read this a few times and am really amazed at your ability to capture the introspective murmerings of the author, while sticking to the point of the poem.

I hope this is some help. Thanks so much for sharing.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
50
50
Review of Friends Forever  
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Annie,

This is such a nice little poem. These types of poems are best when the images are of subtle things, because those are the things that people who aren't close to one another don't notice. You do a great job of catching that subtlety and putting it into a packagable picture *Smile*. I do have some suggestions, though. Here are some things to consider:

*Bullet* You need to give some extra attention to grammatical errors and typos. Some examples are use of periods. I would suggest using them, especially for a poem structured like this, where it can be easy for words to jumble together. You want to be able to control how the poem is read so that there is no confusion. For example, "never makes me sad" should have a period at its end, and there should also be a period after "tissue." Also, "Your" should be "You're" and "dont" should be "don't".

*Bullet* You rhyme "be" with "be", which is a bit odd. You might want to rethink that rhyme.

This is a really nice, sentimental poem. The images are quite good. I think the biggest suggestion I have is to go back and perhaps re-read it outloud, or rather, have someone read it to you aloud, since I think you already know how it's supposed to be read, but it might not be written that way necessarily. There's a lot of jumbling of words here, which is too bad, because there's some great stuff in there.

I hope that was some help. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Philthy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
85 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ppartin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2