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51
51
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi lynz!

I can totally relate to this. Been there, done that, can't really say I came out a better person, or that I'm even past it lol.

Anyway, I think this piece has some promise, but there are some gaping holes that might need to be addressed. Here are some things you might consider:

*Bullet* The punctuation is really in need of attention. There should be a comma after the first line as well as the third line.

*Bullet* "suceed" should be "succeed".

*Bullet* "everything I now need." -- There should be a comma at the end of this, not a period, since the next line is part of the sentence. Also, take ou the "now". It's unnecessary.

*Bullet* There should be a period after "my fight."

*Bullet* "The things it takes a lifetime to build you and destroyed them over night."

I think you mean, "The things it takes a lifetimet o build and you destroyed them over night." However, I would rephrase it to say, "The things it takes a lifetime to build you destroyed overnight (overnight is one word, not two)."

*Bullet* "absolutley" should be "absolutely"

*Bullet* There should be a comma after "anymore" and before "so"

*Bullet* You have too many "so's". Take some out.

*Bullet* "no ladder there to climb" -- take out the "there"

*Bullet* There should be a period after "still got nothing"

*Bullet* "me firends" should be "my friends"

I hope this is some help. This piece really does have a lot of promise, though I think it needs some elbow grease applied to it.

Thanks so much for sharing. All the best,

Philthy

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52
52
Review of DEAR SANTA  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Flip,

This is touching, touching stuff and certainly well-written. You bring out the child's voice quite well.

I probably rated it lower than it deserved, but I do think there are some things that need to be addressed.

Here are a few things you might consider:

*Bullet* There should be a comma after "Dead Santa" and the next line should be a new paragraph.

*Bullet* The line "the whole year long" is redundant. You don't need the "long"

*Bullet* How does a Christmas quilt help them see? That's kind of random that all they have is a quilt. They don't have a house or shelter? All they have is a quilt? How do they survive? That's quite a story. If that's really the case, I think that's worthy of more attention. Otherwise, you might want to rethink that line.

*Bullet* "cannot" is one word.

*Bullet* You don't pay for a cure, you pay to be{/b} cured, so I'd suggest rewording that line.

Otherwise, this is a very good piece. Thanks much for sharing it.

All the best,

Philthy

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53
53
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Soul Writer,

This is a well-written letter. Very touching stuff.
I do have a few suggestions. Here are some "take 'em or leave 'ems" to consider:

*Bullet* "I am happy now in that great place above. Please don’t cry because I’m free now." -- Too many "nows." Delete one.

*Bullet* " I no longer have the weak and frail body I once had; only my strong heart remains." -- I love the multiple levels of symbolism to this. Nice job.

*Bullet* "Yes, I have left this earth," -- I'd suggest omitting the "yes," it's redundant and somewhat "hackneyed."

*Bullet* You suddenly seem to go into rhyme, which is very abrupt. I'd suggest either choosing rhyming or not, but don't mix the two sporadically.

*Bullet* Though this is a very touching and well-written letter, some of the images are a bit predictable and cliched. I'd recommend trying to find some unique images to use, or speak of some things that might be more personal between the letter writer and whomever the letter writer is directing the letter toward.

*Bullet* Doesn't a letter need a signature?

Thanks for sharing this. I hope I was at least some help. This is quite moving.

Philthy

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54
54
Review of Falling  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Rain!

There are some wonderful, wonderful images here, but I think there are also some holes that need to be filled. Here are some things to consider:

*Bullet* "Graze" means a scratch. Is that what you meant? It works if it is, I'm just making sure. *Smile*

*Bullet* I would strongly encourage you to apply more punctuation to this piece. I think it would add immensely to the flow of the poem.

*Bullet* I'd suggest changing the line "...bending down every day" to "as she bent down...". Otherwise, you're saying that the prayer is doing the bending.

*Bullet* "...sound sinks into silence..." is a great, great image. "...cradle of the night..." is also a great image.

*Bullet* "Gravity is its name..." -- is what's name? This is very random. Are you talking about what makes the sun go down? That's not gravity, that's the revolution of the earth around the sun. I'm confused here.

*Bullet* I wouldn't use the bold. It's really distracting.

*Bullet* "I think I am falling: FALLING MADLY IN LOVE" -- I would simply say, "I think I am falling madly in love." It works much better and you don't get the unnecessary repitition. Also, your reader will get the correlation with "falling," so you don't need to repeat it.

Overall, this has a ton of potential and features some excellent imagery. I think it needs a bit of rework and remolding in order to really shine. However, I certainly think you have the writing gift to do that! That definitely shows.

Hope I was some help.
All the best,

Philthy

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55
55
Review of Bad Kisser  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Winter!

This is powerful stuff! I'll get right to it. Here are some things I noticed...some "take-em or leave-em's" *Smile*.

*Bullet* In the first stanza, what words were spoken? You said the person spoke words, but I don't see where he did. What did he say? That seems pretty significant.

*Bullet* You don't need a comma after "alone in the dark" in the second stanza.

*Bullet* Be careful about tense changes. Lines "With your arms wrapped around me,/I realize this is where I want to be." All previous lines that I saw had past tense verbs, as did all the following lines. This is present tense. Be careful to keep things consistent.

*Bullet* In addition, there are a few times where you start off new lines with a lowercase letter, when all other times (regardless of where it was in the sentence) you start the lines off with a capital letter. Be consistent.

*Bullet* Don't need a comma after "from my face."

*Bullet* I'd suggest replacing the semicolon with a period. Semicolons are overused and I think it would be a lot smoother with simply a period. (in my opinion)

*Bullet* "You turned with one last look at me,
Then turned your back on our love-to-be." I LOVE this line! *Smile*

This is some powerful writing! I'm very glad I read this. I think it has a few bugs, but no worries. The skill is certainly there. I'm in awe *Smile*

Thanks for sharing!

Philthy

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56
Review of Hey, Hey, Hey  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dakota!

*Smile* You certainly capture the charm of a child off to his/her first day of school, which is what's most important. Your use of language really puts the reader in the mindset of the child.

Here are a few things you might consider:

*Bullet* I would stongly suggest applying some punctuation to this piece. It would help you control how the reader reads the piece, which I think is vital. However, if you decide not to do this, then why the period at the very end? Either do it one way or the other, but don't confuse the reader by throwing that in there.

*Bullet* "5" should be spelled out. Numbers 1-9 are spelled out, while numbers 10 + are written numerically.

*Bullet* "real early" should be "really early" UNLESS you wanted to convey how a child might say it, in which case that fits just fine. I just thought I'd point it out in case it was accidental. I think it works very well, though *Smile*.

*Bullet* The meter is a bit funny...sort of random. I'm not sure if you meant it that way, but it's very distracting in the read. The rhyme scheme goes like this: A,A,A,B,C,C,D,D,E,E,F,G,H,G,I,G,G,J,K,K. Certain lines, like B, F, and H are stand alones without a rhyme, whereas lines like A and G are sort of overkill (rhyme 3-4 times). I'd suggest a more consistent rhyme flow for such a poem. However, I'll leave that up to you.

Thanks so much for sharing this.

Philthy

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57
57
Review of Masterpiece  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmmmm, I'm not sure what to make of this poem. I didn't know how to rate it at all. I mean, I REALLY love the images and the mood of this piece. You really pour your heart and the language is quite captivating. However, there are some things that I think need a bit of rework. Here are some things you might keep in mind:

*Bullet* The capitalization in this piece is inconsistant and doesn't make sense, which is a huge distraction to the reader. For instance, why is the verb "Spoke" capitalized? Also, why are some new lines begun with a capitalized word, while others are not? Sometimes these words are a part of another sentence! There's no pattern to your use of capitalization at all, and there doesn't seem to be any consideration as to why this random method should be used.

*Bullet* "she think she not"...the second "she" should be "she's".

*Bullet* "who's every appearance"..."who's" should be "whose"

*Bullet* The line "trying to keep its agility" doesn't make much sense to me. Its agility is its capacity or ability to be agile. If it falls, it doesn't lose its agility, it loses its balance. The two terms aren't interchangable.

Anyway, I really do like this piece. I think some more attention should be given to the poem's flow as well. Otherwise, this poem has definite promise. As I said before, I wasn't really sure how to rate it.

Thanks for sharing.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Philthy

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58
58
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Alisha,

This was very good. What do you mean you're "not really a writer?" This suggests otherwise. What a lovely sentiment. It's sort of a passing of story from father to sun. The itaclized last line is very fitting, because it puts the son into the memory by suggesting he's actually there with them telling his mother this.

Here are a few small things you might want to consider:

*Bullet* In the very first line, "...his seventy-five-year-old dad," I would take out the second "dad" because we already know he's talking to his father. Instead, I'd try indicating that he's seventy-five years old a different way. There are millions of ways to do this. You can always say something like, "he gripped his son's hand in his own seventy-five years old hands." (or something).

*Bullet* The line, "Yes," needs a tag to it. Don't assume that the reader knows who's talking.

*Bullet* The line, "...blanket of all leaves," ...take out "all".

*Bullet* "The Japanese invited us to join the war." Invited who? He and the lady? The United States? Be more specific.

*Bullet* Great flashback transition and use of italicizing.

This was a nice read. Thanks for sharing it :).

Phil
59
59
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey there,

This is a very patriotic poem with a lot of passion. However, I still think it needs a bit of elbow grease to be something great. Here are some things you might consider:

*Bullet* I'd suggest implementing proper punctuation. I think people think that lack of punctuation and grammar is the norm in poetry. Whereas uniqueness is encouragable in poetry, unique devices don't enhance the poem unless there is a purpose for their implementation. Punctuation allows you to control how the poem is read. Without it, you relinquish that control, which reduces the clarity of your words. If you still decide to go without punctuation, you should at least be consistent. You use a few commas at the beginning of the poem, but quickly do away with them by the second stanza.

*Bullet* The meter of the poem is off. That's not necessarily a bad thing, however if you're looking to use rhyme scheme, rhyme without meter can sometimes make the rhyme sound forced.

*Bullet* Regarding lines, "What we mustn't do now/ Is go back to the way it was"...this doesn't make sense, because in the next line, you indicate that we can't go back to the way it was. I'd change the word "mustn't" to something like "can't".

*Bullet* The stanza, "We've discovered heroes...", is disjointed. I'd consider revising to make it tighter.

*Bullet* The last stanza is great! Don't get me wrong, there are other good lines in this piece, but the last line really stands out and brings the poem back to its thesis.

Overall, this is pretty good. I think with a good scrub it could be even better.

Thanks for sharing. All the best,

Phil

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60
60
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi balandis!

This piece has a lot of promise. I love the angle your leaning toward with the twist at the end. However, I do think some polish should be applied to make the piece really something special.

Here are some grammatical things to consider:

"She was tall somewhere..."
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "tall"

"She had long died black hair..."
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "long" and consider rephrasing "died black". Also, "died" should be "dyed". You could put a hyphen in between and have it "dyed-black", but even that's a bit awkward. You might consider just taking out the "dyed" part altogether.

*Bullet* "merr-go-round" should be "merry-go-round"

Here are some other things to consider

You have a lot of great description here, but I think it loses a lot of impact when you tell the description rather than show it. For instance, rather than say, "A young woman, only appearing to be 20 or so, stood on an empty playground", you might try saying something like, "The woman's black hair danced in the wind, fleeing from her smooth forehead, as she surveyed the child's playground." I don't know, something to that affect. I'd suggest shying away from listing description. It gets somewhat tedious, and might cause the reader to lose interest.

Consider formatting your piece so that it's easier to read. Either indent between paragraphs, or add a double space.

Also, I'm a bit confused about the woman's character. Is she sad? Does she lament her youth because she's tired of being old? Is that why she did what she did? Or, is it for another reason? Maybe hint a bit more about the mind of the narrator.

This is a wonderful set up. Very intriguing and well structured as far as story telling goes. You might consider expanding this. This could make for a great story.

Thanks for sharing this.
*Smile* All the best,

Philthy

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61
61
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, this is a very good poem. I found some parts a bit confusing, though.

The first stanza is a bit confusing to me. You might consider revising, or insert some appropriate punctuation to guide the reader.

After the line, "Is she mad?", I'd suggest getting rid of "No". It's already implied.

I LOVE your concrete images, but you stray from them at times. I want to smell what you smell, see more of what you see, and hear more of what you hear. You do a wonderful job at this at times, like when you describe the children laughing. I think it would be stronger with more details like that.

I love the "I love the pumpkins..." stanza. That stanza's excellent.

I also love the line, "I am someone else tonight. This night of all nights, I am myself."
Great line.

Thanks for sharing this.
*Smile*
Phil
62
62
Review of Desire  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very passionate, which is the essence of poetry. I like it a lot, but have a couple suggestions for you to consider.

First, revise the punctuation of the first stanza. I would suggest shying away from inserting fragments between sentences without distinguishing it with proper punctuation.

"Your arms hold me never touching my warmth" is a great line. You might consider conveying more abstract imagery with concrete symbols. This is a wonderful, wonderful line, because there are various layers to it. There's much depth in its simplicity.

"And I imagine their strength..."
-omit "And"

"and yet never meet..."
-again, omit "and"

I'd also suggest changing the word "unless" to "except"

These are just some things to consider. Also, I personally would suggest not centering poems. Many people find it less professional. That's more a personal opinion, however, so take it for whatever it's worth.

This is a very good poem with tons of promise to become pretty darn excellent. :) Thanks for having me read this.

Phil
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Review of What Not to Write  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is excellent work. I bet you let off a lot of frustration with this. I'd almost suggest that you consider starting a forum community with this topic. Ooh, and if you did, you could join the forum sibling-hood that Wee and I have going! lol If ya wanted to that is. :P

Very well done. Everyone should read this.

Regarding "not listening your audience"...just to add to that, I hate it when I make a suggestion and the author disagrees, and to argue the point they say something like, "Well, three others liked that I did this, so you're wrong." Hell, I couldn't give a rats ass if they agree with my suggestion or not, and I've certainly met three people in the world who don't know squat about writing. Does that make me correct? Not necessarily, but that doens't mean I need to be whined at for offering constructive criticism. If the author doesn't want to go with my suggestion(s), that's their business...but for God's sake, don't whine about it.

There's my quarter's worth. I guess I'm exhibiting "chat speak" at the moment.

Thanks for sharing this.

Philthy
64
64
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is wonderful! Very imaginative. BTW, congrats on winning the poltergeist contest. It was much deserved...I had to see the piece for myself. Very impressive.

There are some small things that I think should be applied to make the piece perfect, however. These are simply my opinions, so accept them or reject them as you deem fit.

First, I would suggest not using the phrase "was that of a." It simply isn't very good writing, and you are waaaaay too good of a writer to fall into that trap. For instance, instead of saying "The image was that of a hospital," just say "The image was of a hospital", or "The picture showed a hospital room with a woman...yadda yadda." Another example: "The woman's head was that of a photograph." First of all, this makes no sense at all. I think you mean that there was a different picture on top of the picture, but I'm not even sure about that.

Also, though I think you end the story very well, I wasn't as impressed with the afterword. It really detracted from the impact of the scare, IMO. However, I'm not sure how you might end it better...it's just something to consider.

Who's Kurten? I realize this was for a contest, so you didn't want to spend too much time overdeveloping characters, but if you ever wanted to develop this further, I'd suggest further developing the character of Mr. Kurten. He sounds very central to this whole ordeal. In fact, this story might make a wonderful basis for a novel! I'd most certainly read it! (hint, hint).

Also, I found it kind of funny that the characters' names are Stephen and Tabitha, as in Stephen King and his wife, Tabitha. :P

OK, now that I've taken care of the nitpicky stuff...

This was wonderful. I'm very impressed. I couldn't stop reading it. It's very difficult to be original with stuff like this, but this most certainly was...and very spooky.

Excellent job!

Phil
65
65
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hehe, I liked this. I was skeptical at first...wasn't sure where you were going with this...but it's pretty humorous.

Another thing to note about any arts major (I was all about English and Literature in college) is that the studies that show that the careers of science-type majors earn much more money on average than those who majored in the arts are misleading. Now they're saying that, though getting a major in engineering, finance, computer science, etc... might land you a higher paid position directly out of college than an English major, the English major actually moves up the business food chain quicker on average. For instance, everyone thinks that all English majors end up being teachers. The only reason people think this is because there really isn't a profession that's designed specifically for English majors, like there is for, say, engineers. Where are most English majors working? They're all over the place! You might see them in management, you might see them become lawyers, you might see them in marketing. If the economy is bad for engineers, all of a sudden you see a huge increase in the amount of engineers who are unemployed. The arts teach you to adapt to changes in your environment by forcing you to apply knowledge that you learn to other things. Whereas, in the sciences, you tend to learn more about formulas and are regurgitated steps to making something work - a more specialized skill that may not often help you adapt as well.

So, your point is well made :).

(Oh, and btw...the big thing being said by high end managers and business professionals is that people with a writing affiliate are more likely to land a job or move up in the business world than people with a business affiliate out of college. They figure they can teach people the business end of things, but it's much tougher to teach people how to write and communicate well...and it's so vitally important.

So hang in there :).

Phil
66
66
Review of Coffee Stains  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is very well written. You really set the stage for an abusive relationship. It seems incomplete, though. I don't really feel as much sympathy as I probably should toward the narrator - not because I don't think that such abuse is an abomination and a travesty, but because there really isn't a whole lot of character development.

I'd suggest going more into how she feels, or where she tries to find refuge, or perhaps provide more of an illustration of her fear, rather than spend so much energy on how he abuses her. Often, focusing on a person's reaction to something scary is much more powerful than focusing on the scary thing itself.

Put the reader a bit more into the situation and you've got yourself a masterpiece!

On the plus, as said before, this is beautifully laid out. You're obviously a writer - no doubt about it ;). I probably rated this lower than it deserved, but it's only because I think you've got the skill to develop this into something extremely powerful. If you do choose to add some polish to it and develop the story a bit, please let me know and I'd be happy to change my rating to something higher - perhaps more appropriate.

Well done!

Phil
67
67
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hehe, this made me smile. Very well done. A very cute tribute (ok, guys can't say "cute"...it's not "macho" n' stuff, so don't tell! lol :P)

Here are a few small things to consider:

"From the moment I knew I was pregnant..." - put a comma after "pregnant".

Numbers 1-9: Write out (one, two, three...)
Numbers 10 and on: Write numerically (10, 11, 12...)

I would suggest not centering this. It almost leads the reader to believe that it's a poem. I guess I'm just not a big fan of centering...even for poetry. It looks more amateurish to me. I would almost suggest formatting this as a letter. That might add to the personal flavor ;).

This is really wonderful. Very touching.
Phil
68
68
Review of The Ring  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
:)

I really appreciate cleverness in a story, and this is very clever.

I like the date change and I like the circular connection of the piece in the line "Oh, God! Oh, God!"

"absentmindedly"--I think you might be trying to reveal the franticism, but I think you should just make it two words.

"five-minute"--no hyphen.

I'd strongly advocate against using semicolons. First, they're overused. Second, most people don't use them correctly anyway. Third, even when they are used correctly, they tend to make the piece choppy, thereby distracting the reading from the impact of the content.

"At home he cleaned..."--I'd suggest putting a comma after "home".

The whole things seems unbelievable...I've never known a fish to live forty years ;). However, I think that disbelief is a great tool to use to capture the miracle of what just happened. Perhaps a fish ate a fish ate a fish and it was passed along the chain of life undersea.

Very powerful stuff.

Great job.

Phil
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Review of Bermuda Triangle  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very chilling in a way.

I really like the last line. Very final, very comforting. You might consider changing "a sheath" and "a horse" to "its sheath" and "its horse". I think it would add suggestion of the familiarity of the home...that the sword owns its sheath, that the horse owns its stable...if that makes sense.

I don't understand the lack of punctuation in this poem. You omit all punctuation, and then abruptly use it with a colon and a period at the very end. I would suggest having more properly used punctuation.

Some of the fragments don't really work, IMO. "the temptation to return" doesn't say anything. It just hangs disjointedly from the rest of the stanza. I would suggest incorporating some stronger verbs to convey what the narrator is going through.

Why do you use a colon there? It's unnecessary and doesn't really work, IMO.

I don't understand "gargoyles of falsehood." What do you mean by that? Maybe I just don't get the reference.

Ok, with all the nit picking out of the way...

I love the last stanza (as I already said).

I also love the concept of the second stanza. That connectedness really brings the poem together.

I like the poem. I do, however, think that some polish and perhaps more attention to a couple of nuances might help make this great.

Thanks for sharing.

Phil
70
70
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is dangerously addictive. What a fun exercise!

A fun off-shoot of this might be to create smaller ones, but give the authors a theme to work with, so that it makes some kind of sense. lol

...or perhaps the enigmatic, randomness is the point.

Irregardless, this looks like a very fun attraction to your portfolio. Thanks for sharing it :).

Phil
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Review of Hilltops  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.5)
Very vivid images. The last stanza puts everything into perspective very well.

I think there are some holes that might need filling in order to make this a great poem, however. You can obviously write, and I think you've got the ability to take this to the next level.

The rhyme scheme doesn't make sense. I'd suggest either using it, or not, but be weary of going back and forth lackadaisically.

Also,...and this is just a suggestion...I would strongly advocate against using semicolons unless it's utterly necessarily. First, most people don't use them correctly. For instance, there's no need for a semicolon after "hilltop." Just make a new sentence. Second, semicolons are vastly overused. Third, even when they are used correctly, semicolons slice a piece up to the point that it becomes choppy and disjointed, thereby disrupting the flow. Just something to consider.

Another thing, and this is just a question, why doesn't the narrator know why he's up on the hilltop? Isn't the journey of following God in most any religion one that must be a conscious endeavor to some degree? I'm not criticizing that you put it that way...I'm just intrigued. What's your reasoning? This is a very interesting poem, and I think it could be great.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Phil
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Review of The Need To Want  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a very intriguing poem. I really like the first stanza.

Some of it gets a bit muddled, I think.

Here are some things to consider:

I'd suggest putting a period after "The need to want" in the first line, and also after "The heart controls it."

IMO, it would read better if you wrote, "The need to want/ Is not just a dream," rather than implementing inverted word order unnecessarily. Inverted word order is typically overused, and because of the less emphasis on verbs and the subject of the sentence with IWO, the impact lessens. Just something to maybe consider. This line might be a bit overly ambiguous anyway. Though, that may be your intent.

I'd put a comma after "Now" in the line "Now out of time".

Rather than "Will soulful lust", I think you mean, "Will a soulful lust"...otherwise, you're asking if the lust will indeed occur rather than whether or not what he'she's lusting over will materialize. Also, you should have a "?" in there.

The "I" statements at the end of the poem don't fit with the rest of the poem IMO. It breaks up the fluidity and voice of the piece, I think.

Those are just some things to consider.
They're completely my opinion.

I do like the premise of this piece very much, and the first line is excellent.

Thanks for sharing.

Phil
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Review of Monster  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Whoah! CREEPY ending! As much as it disturbs me, I love it! Very clever and a wonderful set up. You totally got me there :P.

The biggest thing I'd advise you to consider is to give some additional attention to the grammar. For the most part it's pretty good. However, here are some suggestions for you to consider that I think might make it flow better.

Remember that numbers 1-9 are spelled out (one, two, three...) and numbers 10 and on are put in digits (10,11, 12).

Reword the sentence, "Before there had been...". It's awkward. Also, I would strongly advocate against using semicolons if you can help it. Most people misuse them, and even if they do use them properly, they're too often overused. Plus, they very rarely help the fluidity of a piece. They typically make the read choppy and disjointed unnecessarily. If you feel the need to use them, I'd suggest looking to breaking up the sentences instead with periods.

After the line with "...bad things like that...", add a period and make the line "They just happen..." its own sentence.

Revise the sentence, "So I was okay...". It runs on too much, IMO.

"The memories are almost..." - Remember, when you have a list of things, use a colon not a semicolon. For example: Jim grabbed the following items: book, comb, and stamps.

Again, you've got a nack for setting things up and adding a twist. The ending is GREAT! VERY harrowing. You might also consider inserting some dialogue, but that's up to you. This is sort of a monologue, so perhaps dialogue would reduce the impact of the thought process and maybe even give away too much of the twist too early.

Very well done.

Phil
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Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
:) This is so innovative! I love it!

The only reason I didn't mark the piece higher is because there are a lot of grammar hiccups. The piece itself is great, though, and very well written. Grammar is a lot easier to fix than bad structure. Your structure is great!

Here are some of the grammar errors to look for:

Watch how you use quotes. For instance, "...sign on the door said, (put the message in quotes)"
Also, there are a few places where a person starts talking, then you add description, then the person starts talking again, but you don't put the quotes back.

This is more a suggestion, but...avoid semicolons whenever you can. Most people don't use them correctly anyway, and even if they are used correctly, they can make a piece choppy and more difficult for the reader. One example of how a semicolon is misused in this piece can be found in the line, "I looked around the room...". You don't need that semicolon. Insert a period and make it two separate sentences.

Even if you want to use semicolons, I would be careful not to overuse them.

Again, be careful about how you structure quotes. the line, "Peta's voice..." should end in a period, not a comma. However, the line, "This all sounds good..." should end in a comma in order to lead to "I told Peta." Make sure you have a comma after a quote just before you indicate who said the quote.

Also, "artist talent" should probably read "artistic talent."

Wonderful job! This is very innovative, which is the best ammunition a writer can have! It's also very well written outside of the grammatical errors. Fix those, and you've got yourself something great here :).

All the best,

Phil
75
75
Review of You said  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Mary!

Yes, I'm lurking. Hope that's ok.
This is a really nice song. Song lyrics are REALLY tough to rate/review though, because you really need the music to be able to actually assess the lyrics. I love songwriting...I've only been playing guitar for six or seven years, but I do enjoy songwriting.

If it were a poem, I'd suggest inserting some punctuation, but song lyrics don't really need that.

The only thing I really could suggest is to be a bit clearer about what you're talking about when you say things like "this." For instance, "...this was just dumb." What is "this"?

This sounds like a nice song. I wish I could hear it :).

Phil
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