*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ppartin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: ON
186 Public Reviews Given
207 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- ... Next
76
76
Review of You said  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Mary!

Yes, I'm lurking. Hope that's ok.
This is a really nice song. Song lyrics are REALLY tough to rate/review though, because you really need the music to be able to actually assess the lyrics. I love songwriting...I've only been playing guitar for six or seven years, but I do enjoy songwriting.

If it were a poem, I'd suggest inserting some punctuation, but song lyrics don't really need that.

The only thing I really could suggest is to be a bit clearer about what you're talking about when you say things like "this." For instance, "...this was just dumb." What is "this"?

This sounds like a nice song. I wish I could hear it :).

Phil
77
77
Review of TIME WILL TELL  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a well structured poem, and also very captivating.

There are some small parts that get confusing, however...mostly due to punctuation.

Here are some things to chew on:

Stanza one -
"For whom tolls the warning bell,/None knows only time will tell"
I would change the punctuation here. The first line should have a "?" after it, otherwise the second line doens't work, because the first line reads as an independant clause and not a question. Also, there shouldn't be an "s" added to know (I might also suggest changing "None" to "No one", in which case you could add the "s" to "know"). Moreover, there should be a comma after "knows".

Stanza two -
"Till" should be "til" (a "till" is a plow).
"Til it's ending;" I would take this semicolon out. First, I would advocate against using semicolons whenever possible. Most often they are misused, and even when they are used correctly they tend to make writing choppier and more difficult for the reader. In this case, however, a semicolon doesn't even work, because the lines before are a subordinate clause to the independant clause that follows.

Stanza three -
"Will it be a normal birth,
Attended by groom or mirth?"
Replace the first comma (after "birth") with a "?". The two are separate thoughts, so they should be separate sentence, I think.

Stanza four -
"Will the child be a genius,
Or, mentally pernicious?"
Omit the comma after "or"

Stanza six -
"It is for us to know that
Worry, even, killed the cat"
Be careful about how you use commas. This is very confusing. Are you saying even worry has killed the cat, or do you mean mean that worry killed everything, even the cat? I think you mean to have written, "...worry even killed the cat", in which case, you don't need commas at all.

Stanza seven -
"...don't worry, but, surrender"
You have a bad habit of putting in too many commas. I'm finding many of them unnecessarily plugged after the "but's", "and's" and "or's" :P. Take out the comma after "but". However, I might suggest revising the sentence, so that it reads: "don't worry - surrender..."

I really do like this piece. It's very captivating and inspirational. Thanks so much for sharing. I hope some of my comments helped.

All the best,

Phil
78
78
Review of Visual Poetry  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cool stuff :).
And very innovative.

This would make a great logo for a writing.com group.
If you haven't already, you should make this your tag.

Nicely done.

Phil
79
79
Review by Philthy
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a very interesting piece, full of innovation and wisdom.

The grammar looks clean. I would suggest offering more explanation to your friend's analogy "...that the painting of a marriage between the two of us would merely be a white canvas with yellow and blue stripes or yellow and blue polka dots." I'm assuming he means what you'd said in the next paragraph, "that two people learning to live peacefully together during the daytime hours and sharing a bed at night." However, there isn't a lot of explanation as to why one means the other. I could read the first part of that explanation and determine that it means both the man and wife offer a component of the symmetry that comprises the marriage.

I would suggest the same thing regarding your explanation. You talk about the green signifying your unity in mind and spirit, but does that mean that the points where yellow and blue aren't mixed that there's disjointedness in the marriage? Does it mean something else? Does it symbolize how a couple's differences are equally important contributions to the whole artistic design of marriage?

This is a very innovative piece, but I think there are some things left unaddressed. Perhaps that was intentional, though I think the message would have more impact if some of these points were better explained.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Phil
80
80
Review of Remember the Day  
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Sad, sad stuff.

This is almost a monologue, and it's a pretty darn good one at that. It seems a bit incomplete, however. I don't really have a sense of what happened, nor do I feel any sort of connection to either the narrator, or the person who the narrator lost. The reader needs, IMO, something to connect with in order to feel what the narrator's feeling. There needs to be something to focus on, to captivate the reader.

Moreover, the last couple of lines rhyme. This could work, but it seems a bit abrupt considering nothing else rhymes.

Anyway, I do like this poem. It just seems like it needs some polish and some rework. Lots of potential here, though.

Thanks for sharing.

Phil
81
81
Review of Autumn Elegy  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oooooh, I like this. "suppliant branches fracture autumn sky"--GREAT image!

I would suggest inserting some commas at certain points to smoothen out the lines. For instance, I'd add a comma after "trees" in line 2 and a comma after "Child" in the first line of the second stanza.

I very much like the simplicity of this piece. Its power comes from its simplicity. You say a whole lot in very few words, which is excellent writing.

Anyway, I loved this poem. Thanks for sharing it.

Phil
82
82
Review of The Devil and Me  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very harrowing set up for a tale. I'd love to see where you take this.

Some suggestions:

Avoid run-on sentences. Too often, I think you break up sentences with commas, when you could create a smoother read by minding your sentence transitions and use of punctuation and word order. For instance, "...others, humans, couldn't help but stare" should be its own sentence.

Another example: the line, "The stare said, although subtley state,..." doesn't work. Don't beat around the bush...just say something like, "The stare subtley said," or perhaps say something like, "its stare seemed to whisper their sins to them"...or something.

Yet, another example: the line, "They then knew who it was in that instant" doesn't work either. "...then knew..." and "...in that instant..." is the same thing. It's redundant.

Another suggestion,...and this is entirely up to you, because the way you do it works just fine...is to begin the story with something happening rather than a description of the character. Perhaps introduce the devil's description amidst the event. It usually makes for a more intriguing hook than a simple description.

Although, I really did enjoy your illustration of the devil. Very colorful and rich. I love the line, "dark, hooded eyes sunk endlessly into its skull."

I really do like this piece...a lot. I think it needs some polish...both grammatically and perhaps in its structure...but it's very imaginative and very intriguing.

Thanks for sharing :)

Phil
83
83
Review of Lies  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ooooh, I like this a lot.

It FEELS like a burst of caffeine...it sort of sneaks up on you like the quick pain of a pin-prick.

I like the hard-sounding, cut off images of the first stanza...with a great finish, "like a burst of caffeine" (I read another review where someone didn't like it, because it was a "simile" and the rest were metaphors...or something like that. Bah...don't listen to that. I think it fits very well. That line, I think, is the pin prick and the fact that you group the metaphors together and conclude them with a sharp simile is great--IMO).

I like the last stanza, as well. "boiling lies" is a good image. The only thing I don't really care for is the "icy grin". I can see where you're trying to go, but I just don't think it fits too well. If the metaphor here is icy, then why is boiling lies coming out of his mouth? Is it irony? I suppose it could work. "Icy" refers to frigidness and the "boiling lies" implies movement and energy. It also suggests change (as in the process of evaporating water), though I don't think you mean to say that the lies are changing into anything but lies.

I'd suggest linking those adjectives together better, so that we can see the correlation between his "grin" and the "lies"...and there most certainly is a correlation, which I think is key to the poem.

I love this, though. I don't know how else to describe it other than "sharp," because when I read it I feel like I've been struck by something prickly. :)

Great job!

Phil
84
84
Review by Philthy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very good. It's often difficult to insert accent into prose without things being choppy, but you do a very good job at it. You don't try to overdo it, which makes it genuine.

I might suggest taking care to use a little bit more commas in certain spots...being careful not to overuse them,of course...but it seems that additional punctuation might help control how the reader reads the piece.

This is a very good plot setup. I'll be interested in seeing where you take it.

Thanks for sharing with me :). Please let me know when/if you finish the next part of this tale. I'd love to read it.

All the best,

Phil
85
85
Review of Autumn's Song  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Some good images here, but it loses impact with its passive voice. The passive voice is overdone. Also, in some parts the transition to fall is weakened by the fact that there aren't many images of fall.

There's a good rhythm to this poem, however. It's very sing-song, which can work well sometimes...but the images need to be more concrete for what you seem to be trying to accomplish.

Overall a nicely written poem.
86
86
Review of My Soul Weeps  
Review by Philthy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very honest. And truly, truth is the perfect remedy for a weeping soul. The only thing I would suggest with this is to avoid being so focused on seeking an answer. Sometimes the questions are what matter most.
86 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ppartin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4