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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pradaprincess
Review Requests: OFF
1,392 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello, SoCal! Here is the review you requested. I hope you find something of use in these meandering ramblings!

My Initial impressions of "The Wayward Cataphiles Wow! This entire story was a series of twists I didn't see coming! I really love where you took the plot with this one. I haven't read too many stories about these creatures...especially not in the horror realm, but when you think about it...it makes sense. (I for one know, at least in the Irish culture, they are considered quite evil.) Plus, I liked how you kept the cycle going at the end. No happy solutions here! *smirks*

The characters: Poor, poor Stephen. I mean you have to feel for the guy. Here he is, trying to enjoy his vacation in a beautiful country most of us would die to see... He runs into a gorgeous woman and thinks he is going to get lucky. He seemed nice enough and average to the point you could relate.

Astrid...I got the impression she was smoking hot, but I couldn't really visualize her. We did, however know our poor male protagonist was drawn to her like the proverbial moth to the flame. I liked the subtle details you used though, like her lilting French accent. Nice touch.

Setting/Plot: I absolutely loved that you used France and the Catacombs. They've always been so fascinating to me. There's darkness, beauty, and mystery all rolled into one there. Really amazing setting, especially for your plot. The plot, as I said above was excellent. It moved fast, with plenty of sinister twists and bends!

Style & Voice: Very clean cut writing. It's straight, to the point and keeps the story flowing at a rapid pace. The third person omniscient POV worked great. You definitely wouldn't have had the same effect with anything else here.

*Star*Favorite Part: Tiny little teeth and wings like dragonflies. *Smirk* I love it!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:
None! The writing and the story were both exactly what I've come to expect when I visit your port. A flawless and engaging read!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*

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2
2
Review of Aokigahara  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow...I really don't know what to say here. You left me speechless!

This place and its connotations give me the goosebumps. I was shuddering with those delightful shivers of fear and...something unnameable. It's terrifying to think that such places exist in this world, and you brought that into such stunning clarity. Your words are haunting in their beauty, but this place that waits to feast on the lives and souls of those who pass through is anything but!

This really got me wondering. Is it the loss of life that makes these forests so sinister? Is it as you eluded, perhaps the volcanic remnants beneath? Or is it something much more, like Apollo? Is there a curse, or is this a place where the devil waits and the fallen roam, just waiting for the opportunity to whisper death in your ear.

These are all things that your reader will certainly want to ponder and decide upon for themselves, well after the reading is done.

Wow, Fyn. Just wow. This may be my favorite poem of yours yet. The concept and place is original...and your wording, as always, a lyrical treat. Brilliant!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
3
3
Review of Vieux Carré  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very chilling and dark poem. I love the imagery here. I felt as if I were strolling through the old streets of the French Quarter, which is something I have always wanted to do. You caught the atmosphere and vibe of the city well, even including the now infamous motto. Woven with these words, it definitely gives it a chilling undertone.

At the end you really kicked things into high gear. The image of the slighted clown "juggling souls" behind your back...That definitely leaves the reader with a distinct feeling of unease. One that makes you want to take a glimpse behind you!

I think you did a fantastic job incorporating the sights and sounds of Vieux Carre's surroundings. The only thing I might suggest is giving a hint at the smells. I know I'm overtly curious, but I found myself wondering what kind of scents would waft through the air here. Would it be the delicious coffee and bakery you mentioned earlier or would there be a dampness and something a bit more sinister riding under the surface. Just a thought.

As always, Fyn, you present some excellent work!
~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
4
4
Review of Branching Out  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, Fyn! Your pen always paints words and tales with such a talented flourish! This was an extremely poignant poem and a much needed outpouring of the soul. there's celebration and hope in these words, yet they help purge some of the tension and troubles you've had brewing on your mind as well. *Heart*

Reading this made me smile for the friendships that have taken root...frown about the poison, but steel my spine and grin. Much like a tender leaf from the tree you paint here, thirsting for the rain, I am so ready to reach for the sky and the dreams that lay beyond. this was an inspiration and a beautiful piece of work to read. Thank you so much for sharing.

Stand tall, my friend, and never stop marching forward!
~Best wishes always!~
Adriana *Moon*
5
5
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ello, John A. Ashley. *Smile*

I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us! contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.

*Thumbsup* Initial Impressions *Thumbsdown*:
Though I felt this synopsis was a little too passive and drawn out, this is still a book I would want to read. I think you have a gripping plot here and a lot of different elements that come together for some interesting reading! Trust me, that says a lot, since Science Fiction isn't usually my thing.

*Reading* Synopsis *Reading*: A soldier is on a vital hunt for five ancient scrolls. The fate of the world hangs in the balance, and everything hinges on his success. Hostile alien forces are gathering, bent on bringing humanity to its knees while Captain Dawn finds himself in a fierce battle, not just to save the world, but his heart and self as well.

*Star* What Worked *Star*: Sounds like some great stuff! Lots of suspense and action, and even a little romance and angst thrown in as well. The book is finished, and it sounds like your love of astronomy has served you well, giving you the tools and knowledge you need to build realistic worlds.

*Cut* What Didn't *Cut*: As a general rule, you want your query to be as tight and to the point as possible. For all intents and purposes it should read like the blurb on the back of a book. You'll want to introduce the main characters, the theme, the plot hook, and the conflict. As good as a premise as this was, I felt it was too drawn out and passive. I found myself wanting to skim.

For example ~~~> The Scrolls of Xavier is a first person narrative that follows the struggles of Captain Micheal Dawn in his quest to retrieve five ancient scrolls from various locations across Xavier327. The information contained within these manuscripts looks to be the military's sole hope for defeating the highly advanced lifeforms that inhabit the planet's north pole.
The Scrolls of Xavier is a first person narrative that follows Captain Micheal Dawn in his quest to retrieve five ancient scrolls containing mankind's final hope for survival. While just a suggestion, do you see how it is tighter and amps up the suspense? This is your one chance to literally grab an editor or agent by the throat. Don't loose them with passive writing.

I would go through and tighten this up as much as possible. Cut out passive wording and make it as definitive as you can. Think about what pulls you in when you pick up a book and read the back and apply it to your query. You have a great plot here. Cinch that noose and let it show!

I liked that you included your credentials, as noted above. That helps highlight your knowledge. What was missing here was who you thought this book would appeal to and why. Is there a certain genre or age group you are targeting, or do you hope to reach a braoder audience?

In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
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6
6
Review of Query Letter  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ello, Gacoky. *Smile*

I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us! contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.

*Thumbsup* Initial Impressions *Thumbsdown*:
Wow. This sounds like a truly powerful story. I love that it is somewhat inspired by true events, and the plot sounds like it would be thick with emotion. All in all, it sounds like a fantastic character driven story.

*Reading* Synopsis *Reading*: Shep is good natured man, but beneath the surface he is tormented by the ghosts of his past--ghosts only he and his brother know. He tries hard to keep his dark childhood secrets at bay but then he meets Kathy. Both struggle with the word love...and both must fight to overcome the obstacles and hurts they've faced in order to share a life together.

*Star* What Worked *Star*: The high emotional potential of this book. Many readers love to draw a deep connection with the characters they are reading. It's more than just a traditional romance, it's fueled by haunting pasts and the need to overcome the past before you can find your future. Based on the success of Nicholas Sparks and the like, I think this would appeal to a wide range of people. You did a nice job setting up the hook. I certainly wanted to take the bait!

*Cut* What Didn't *Cut*: The last paragraph threw me off. This is a bit of a no-no as far as queries go. It's unprofessional and assumptive. Any agent or editor knows the pros and cons of publishing shorter novels. This is what they do day in and day out for a living. Instead, I would focus more on the wide range of people this would appeal to because of what it contains. I'm not trying to come across as harsh here, but this is your chance to sell your book based on the merits of what you've written, not on the cost efficency of it all. *Worry*

*Right* Make sure you italicize your title.

While I admire your love for your father *Heart* You also slip into a bit of informality here. You want to keep things as professional as possible and keep the center of the focus on your novel, rather than yourself. I'd consider trimming this part.

~~~> Many people take love—genuine, unconditional love—for granted, but it is something that I cherish. Yes, my father was the inspiration for this story, but more so, he is the inspiration for the man that I want to become. It wasn’t easy for him, but just as, Beautiful Sacrifice, shows us, it’s possible, and possible breeds hope, and hope breeds love.
Many people take love—genuine, unconditional love—for granted. It's not always easy to find, but Beautiful Sacrifice shows us it is possible. With possibility comes hope, and hope breeds love.


In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
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7
7
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ello, Winklett. *Smile*

I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us! contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.

*Thumbsup* Initial Impressions *Thumbsdown*:
What a powerful story you have here. From the start, I was drawn into your world and the challenges you face. My heart ached and broke as I read this, and I wanted to know more. This is truly a candid and inside look into what it is like to have an autistic child...and the decisions that inevitably come with it.


*Reading* Synopsis *Reading*: This centers around a ten year old boy, Jonah, who struggles with autism. It highlights the innocence and joy he brings to the world, as well as the difficulties he faces. It also revolves around his mother and the very painful decisions she has had to make regarding her son and his care.

*Star* What Worked *Star*: Human interest is always strong. People want to read about the sturggles and triumphs other people face. And autisim is something that strikes so many families. I read once that stats are as high as one out of every eighty-eight people have some form or another of it.

You have a very powerful and poignant tale. The things you have faced, the decisions you have made are not easy. There is an honesty and candor beneath your strength, and all of that is something very appealing. As far as queries go, you nailed a lot of the highlights and presented an idea that begs to be read on many different levels. In fact, I had to give into that pull and spent quite a long time reading through the link you enclosed.

*Cut* What Didn't *Cut*: I hopped over to your blog and took a look for myself. I see that it is hosted on WordPress, a pretty major blogging site. In all honestly, I just don't see why people would pay for something that they can read in its entire length elsewhere for free. That is why they ask for new, previously unpublished work, including things that have been posted entirely online. I'm also unsure how you would go about condensing that many year's worth of material into a book. *Sad* Most publishers would shoot that proposal down in a hurry, and that's why.

I feel like such a heel here because I truly believe you have a powerful story here...one that needs told. There are so many people in situations like yours who need that support. On top of that, you and Jonah have a unique story to tell filled with much heartache and joy. My suggestion would be to actually sit down and write a memoir...the story of your life in autobiographal form from his borth to present, touching upon the highlights and the things that really stick with you. I think this would be just as poignant, and probably much easier to market. *Heart*

In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
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8
8
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ello, Tadploe1. *Smile*

I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us! contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.

*Thumbsup* Initial Impressions *Thumbsdown*:
Wow! Yes! I'm so impressed I nearly fell over! You are one of the only entries so far that has followed the query letter formatting and suggetsions to a T! From the opening greetings to the closing, you obviously did a little research. *Bigsmile* Oh and your synopsis sounded very interesting as well. Please just bear with me a second here. I'm still trying to get over my most pleasant shock. ;)

*Reading* Synopsis *Reading*: Here we have the typical boy meets girl, but the past keeps boy and girl apart formula. BUT, there is much more going on. Catherine is a powerful character...a researcher who not only has unlocked a cure for cancer, but discovered a tonic for eternal youth. The catch is, the formula has some devestaing and unwanted side effects. Of course, even this is not enough to stop some people's greed and Catherine ends up kidnapped while her father and his team steal her research, unleashing a plauge on the earth. Whew! Sounds like some kick butt stuff! I want to read it. *grins*

*Star* What Worked *Star*: All of it. This is what I was hoping to see. You put the effort in, and that really shows. Thanks for thinking just because we're judging this here on WDC and not sitting in some posh NY publishing office the formatting doesn't matter. It IS, after all, a query letter contest!

Moving on, I was fascinated by your premise. There were so many elements and facets to this story. We have romance, we have the fascinating Nano particles and research, and yes, even good old fashioned betrayal. Sooo didn't see that one coming with all the money and fame research like this would bring in. *Wink*

*Cut* What Didn't *Cut*: I'm hard pressed to find anything here. If I could nit pick this at all, it would be that the resolution wasn't clearly stated and you left us with a bit of an open ending. Great for the public, not so much for editors and publishers. For whatever reason, they generally want those spoilers.

In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
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9
9
Review of Query letter  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ello, Kendall. *Smile*

I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us! contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.

*Thumbsup* Initial Impressions *Thumbsdown*:
Despite being a little confused about what is actually going on in this book--and what happened in the first one, it sounds very interesting! I love the stories where characters are in dangerous situations, confronted by odds far larger than they (or the rest of us) can ever hope to deflect. It sounds like you have a gripping thriller on your hands here!

*Reading* Synopsis *Reading*: Adam sounds like a man who had it all at one point. He met a girl. fell in love, and had the word at his fingertips, along with a dangerous and exciting affair. That is, until something goes terribly wrong and forces Adam into seclusion. As he's living in the remote outskirts, he searches for the answers as to what happened and could or could not be being persued by goverment agents.

*Star* What Worked *Star*: I haven't seen a whole lot of political thrillers, but I would think there would be a big calling for something like this. The plot seems unique and fresh. There's lots od mystery and intrigue to keep readers interested and invested. You also kept things quick, but descriptive in your synopsis. Nice hook!

*Cut* What Didn't *Cut*: You said this is the second book about Adam. Was the first one previously published, and if so where? If not, I would think it a bit odd that you were putting the second book in a series out before the first. Also, approximately how long is this book? You'd stated it started as a NaNoWriMo project, but people usually revise and expand those projects, so I'm not going to assume it stayed around the 50k mark.

I had a few other questions as well. I get that people try to keep up the mystique in order to entice readers, but editors and publishers typically want to know the characters, plot, conflict, and resolution. for instance, what went terribly wrong? Did him and his lover simply part ways, or was she murdered? Was there an accident of some sorts...is he actually paranoid or IS he being followed and why? How does this story resolve itself? These are all things I believe they will want to know in an official query. *Smile*

In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
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10
10
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello, MikEwriteS! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you. *Cat*

*Thought* Overview: Well, well, well! This certainly wasn't what I was expecting. *Smirk* I loved the subtle use of foreshadowing you implied, and the Weiss Co was never far from my mind as I was reading this. It was a bit of a slow start with a lot of building up to the moment when things all go bad, but the second they did start to go south, I was glued to the screen. *Bigsmile*

I really had to wonder about the guy on the other end of this "voice." I mean, what kind of person sits around and thinks up these kinds of things? (Us horror writers aside *Laugh*) How would one even go about advertising for that "kind" of service? *giggles* The more I thought about it all, the more disturbing it became. There are some very demented people in this world. That kind of horror hits so much closer to home, because it could happen. The pleasure he dervived from these acts sent a cold chill right up my spine, and it was all too easy to imagine.

I know I shouldn't feel bad for a guy who makes his living breaking into other people's business or homes and ripping them off...but in the end, I just couldn't help it.

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax*I really don't have much to offer here. You might want to look at the slow start and possibly save some of those words for the end. The reason being, the placement of the wires doesn't really matter much in the long run, does it? It would help boost the horror if you explored Jeff's reaction more or perhaps even the security masters. Just a thought. *Wink*

Overall, this was a fantastic story that left me chilled. Congratulations on your win. Thanks for entering and sharing your work with us. I look forward to reading your work again in the future.

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
{/left}
11
11
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ello Silent Robin

This is a review of " The Heart of an Author It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you!

Overview: It's very easy to see the love you have for writing and I think it will help inspire many others. This is the kind of thing we all want to read when we are having an off day to remind us to find that passion and spark again. You did a great job suming up the hopes of a writer and the fires that fuel us along the way.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* I am by no means an expert at poetry. I only dabble here and there and can only offer my thoughts on how it made me feel and how it flowed for me as a reader. There were a few minor places here where the tempo didn't match the other lines and I think swell might sound better as my heart swells. *Wink* Like I said, just a few minor tweaks.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The overall theme to this poem is amazing. There is such passion and fire in your words. It makes me wat to toss everything else aside and just write!

Please remember that all suggestions and thoughts are merely my humble opinions. Feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and the work of art you have created. *Smile*

In Closing: This was a wonderful poem. I'm so glad you found us here on Writing.com. I hope you have a wonderful journey. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. Once again, welcome, and thank you for sharing your work.
Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*


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12
12
Review of Here and Now  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello J. A. Buxton

This is a review of "Here and Now It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you!

Overview: I admit, I was feeling a little bit of trepidation about reading this after seeing the prompt. Starting every sentence with here sounded like quite a challenge...but you nailed this! What a powerful and gripping piece. I could so easily envision the bloodied battlefield, the bodies strewn across its drenched terrain. There was such emotion and depth behind these words. It truly gave me pause to think as I read this. I was soaking in the horror yes, but also the sense of determination and loss. Brilliant job, Judity!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* this is such a tiny thing, really, but I have a bad habit of whispering the words out loud when I read. Here I kept wanting to switch the words around for an easier flow. ~~~> Here some quickly were slaughtered I think it would flow smoother if it were
Here some were quickly slaughtered...


*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I loved the imagery you painted with your words. That and the end. You leave your reader with a very poignant truth to ponder.

*Note*Please remember that all suggestions and thoughts are my humble opinion as a reader. Feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and the work of art you have created. *Smile*

In Closing: Wonderful job with this. Your work is always such a pleasure to read, and I swear you just keep getting better with time!

Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*

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13
13
Review of Poor Puppy  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ello, K Tilley! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item It is my pleasure to read your work and share my humble thoughts with you. *Cat*

*Clapper* Plot: Pretty chilling when I think back on it! A young boy is out enjoying his evening bike ride. He decides to visit a playground and finds a scrap of paper with the words "help me" written on them. after finding no one, he explores the outlying arryo and after a chilling disturbance with the wind, stumbles upon a gruesome discovery. I though this was all well played!

*Person* Characters:
I really liked robby. He reminded me a lot of myself at that age, always exploring and seeking brief moments of freedom and solitude. I think a lot of people would see a glimmer of themselves within him. *Smile*

*Clock2* Pacing: I think a lot of this has to do with the heavy wording and sentence structure, but in places the story sort of...lagged. Tightening it up a little would really improve both the pacing and flow.

*Globe* Setting: Excellent job. I could well imagine the vacant streets, the empty playground, and the familiar images of dusk as it settled. You even decribed the fence and monkey bars which gave this a very inclusive feel. *Thumbsup*

*Thought* Dialogue: not much of it here, but what you had worked well with the story.

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax* Since toy are describing sounds and not a tiny river bed, I think you want 'creak' here and not creek. *Wink*

*Ax* This sentence is rather long. Breaking it down just a little bit would help give it a smoother flow. As is, it's sort of a run-on. See what you think.
These nighttime bike rides had become an almost daily ritual for Robby these past few months, being only ten years old this was one of the only times he was unsupervised and felt free to do anything he wanted and with the hot Arizona summer just beginning, the cool nights we’re a huge contrast to the sweltering heat of the days. ~~~> These nighttime bike rides had almost become a daily ritual for Robby. Being only ten years old, this was one of the only times he was unsupervised and free to do anything he wanted. With the hot Arizona summer just beginning, the cool nights were a huge contrast to the sweltering heat.

*Ax* There are also a few places where you might want to tighten the wording just a wee bit. An example might be here: Realizing now that he was staring down at his feet Robby raised his eyes and there standing in front of him, as a clear as day even in the darkness was a small boy, not much older than him, holding the dead dog by the scruff of its neck with one unbelievably strong hand. His other hand was clenched in a loose fist and as Robby stared, frozen with fear reached out towards him and opened it revealing the dog’s eyeballs, covered in blood and viscous fluids, a look of horror and pain frozen in them forever. The small boy then began to speak in a halting deep voice. ~~~>Robby glanced up from his feet. Standing in front of him, was a young boy not much older than him. His gaze traveled to the dead dog clutched in the child's fist. Robby stared, frozen with fear, as the boy extended his other hand toward him and opened it, revealing the dog's eyes. Even through the blood and viscious fluids covering them, he saw the horror and pain frozen into those eyes forever. His stomach clenched. Before he could run, the young boy spoke in a deep, halting voice.... See how it doesn't change anything but it gives it a tighter feel and quicker flow when reading?

Overall, this was a great story and I really loved the surprise twist at the end. that was a definite goose bump moment for me! Thanks for sharing!
~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
14
14
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ello, Alexia Wynd! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item It is my pleasure to read your work and share my humble thoughts with you. *Cat*

*Clapper* Plot: Oh! *Smirk* I really like where you took this one! I do so have an affinity for those axe-weilding mad men! You did a great job building up the suspense from the moment Deputy Morris got the SOS call, the when they arrived at the house. My stomach was starting to tighten with dread. And in the back of my mind, I kept asking myself why...why would the sheriff want to ignore such a call. Now I know! *Laugh*

*Person* Characters:
They worked. I wanted to know a bit more to be honest. How did this guy end up in the house. why were his actions okay? What the heck is that sherrif thinking! *Laugh* But, that's just the Gemini in me. I always want to know more. I'm really not even sure if the Deputy was male or female to be honest here...but I did feel sorry for them at the end, and that was the main goal you were trying to accomplish. So...it works. *Smile*

*Clock2* Pacing: Fast and fluid with a great build up of tension. Kick butt!

*Globe* Setting: I thought it all worked well enough here. I would have liked to see just a few more details about the house itself, but Word count really got in the way here. If you ever expand or revise, let me know!

*Thought* Dialogue: Very realistic cop lingo. I could easily imagine that playing out exactly the way you wrote it.

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax* Okay, this could just be me and the vast, vast amount of slasher movies I indulge in, but I thought the ending was just a tad bit cliche. How many times do we watch something like Texas chainsaw Massacre or any other number of horror flicks, just to find out the town police are in on it at the end? I really think you could come up with something just a tad bit different if you tried. *Wink*

That said, I loved this story and the way you build the tension and the suspense up throughout. Congratulations on being today's winner! *Thumbsup* Thanks for sharing your work!

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
15
15
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello, Elizjohn. Thank you for entering "Invalid Item It is my pleasure to read your work and share my humble thoughts with you. *Ghost*

*Clapper* Plot: Oh, I do so love my madmen! *Bigsmile* Give me those crazy SOB's any day of the week. And I really loved that you weren't afraid to push the envelope here. As taboo as it is, you went all out and held nothing back. I give huge kudos to a writer whenever they hold their chin up high and go for the prize despite what blows may come of it.

One of the things I liked the best about this story was the element of surprise. Here I thought I was just looking in on a little bit of roleplay. I couldn't have been more wrong! *Shock* You wove that thread slowly, trailing the reader along bit by bit until the shocking truth was revealed. Let me tell you, I was shivering by the end.

*Person* Characters:
Chilling. I really don't want to give TOO much away here, but your main character is one sick pup! By the end of the story, he had me crawling in my skin and wincing for poor Tina.
The truly scary thing is there actually seemed to be an undercurrent of...tenderness here. His thoughts, his touch, was lamost filled with reverance. Until he made that unpleasant discovery. His hurt, the utter sense of betrayl he felt came across loud and clear.

I really felt for Tina. You get the sense that despite her horrible situation, the poor thing really tried hard to keep this man happy at all costs. *Sad* Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough.

*Clock2* Pacing: Quick, fluid, and easy to read. Great job!

*Globe* Setting: This is one area whare I wasn't all that sure. It could have been a bedroom or a basement. Given the situation, I'm going to guess it was some kind of cellar, that way no one would hear her screams. Ugh! *shudders again* This was the one area, if any, that maybe needs a little more attention.

*Thought* Dialogue: Creepy! Really...this guy was warped. You did such an amazing job conveying the tone...his thoughts. All of it worked together in one very efficient package.

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax* Consider giving the reader some idea of the setting. I wanted to see a bit of the character's surroundings.

This was amazing. really it was. It's one of thise stories that are going to stick with me for a while. Perhaps because the horros here are so true. We hear about these kinds of things every day. It's the stuff real nightmares are made of, and you flourished it all with style and skill. Thanks so much for sharing. I look forward to reading you again soon!

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
16
16
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Cat* Horror, scary, occult, supernatural, and dark fiction are my favorite genres to read. I prefer to dance year round with all things dark and disturbing. Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC.

Ello, Angus! I saw you entered The Daily Slice for my mountain man prompt, and I just had to see what you came up with. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

*Paw* Initial Impressions: Wow! Another excellent offering from Angus' pen! I'm not surprised. *Wink*

While this story had a classic sort of feel to it, you made it your own. the characters were great and I loved the premise. I was laughing at these two friends. Their situation was one I could empathize with. I mean I would not have been too happy either if I were stuck out there with no inkling of where I was. For a moment, I thought Rick was going to be the one who ended up being the trouble! *laughs*

Your antagonists were fantastic. I enjoyed reading about these rotund rescuers. You pulled me in to their world and once again, I found myself lulled into a false sense of security. Why do I always do that? *Rolleyes* It is, after all, horror!

It wasn't until the guys had a decent night's sleep that I realized maybe not all was as it seemed after all. Score big points for throwing me off blance and adding in that sick loop at the end. The last line was priceless. I mean, sweet Beezus. Call me crazy, but Otis almost seemed proud of their newfound bounty! *shudders*

*Paw* Plot & Setting: Excellent job here. I loved the plot. It was amusing to watch the rift grow between these friends as they trudged in endless circles through the woods. Then, they run into bubba Ray...err Otis and his brother and I swear I thought maybe they were going to get off scott free. This was a case of holding out and saving the best for last! Hmm...I wonder if Kevin will end up being 'gator bait. I've seen one of these brothers on Swamp People, I swear! *Worry*

You did a great job with the setting. I could see everything clearly, and much to my surprise, it didn't dominate the story. You utilized it well, setting the stage and moving on.

*Paw* Characterization: I just loved these twins! It's so not what I was expecting to see. Something about their round, pot-bellied forms made them come across as almost joivial in my mind. Like...bibbed Santas! *Laugh* There was alos their personalities to contend with. They were kind and scocialble, even makeing fun of their culture at their own expense. Their back story was a nice touch, by the way. Reading this you can't help but think 'They can't be all that bad...' That just goes to prove what I get for thinking!

You also did a great job with Kevin and Rick. I felt just enough empathy for them to make me wince in the end. I loved their banter, and Rick's frustration over being lost in the woods for so long was palpable...and understandable.

*Paw* Style & Flow: Spot on. This was a fast, smooth read with fluid writing. You know what you're doing and do it well.

Thanks again for indulging me and participating in my prompt! This was a truly terrific tale, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Every time I do, I'm pleasantly surprised. *Smile*

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
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17
17
Review of I love redheads  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Ghost* Ello E.L. Stieh *Smile* Thank you for entering "Invalid Item and congratulations for winning today's prompt! It is my pleasure to read your work and share my humble thoughts with you. *Ghost*

*Clapper* Plot: This was probaly the most chilling aspect of the story for me. Right away you get this "creeper" sort of vibe from the main character. It's stalkish, but almost reverant or...loving at first as he spies this beautiful woman and follows her. I felt like I was watching an impending train wreck. You just feel something terrible is going to happen, yet you can't look away.

Sure enough, once he gets her home, things really go south! At least for the poor woman. For the reader, things really get interesting.

*Person* Characters:
We don't know much about the redhead other than perhaps she is too trusting and too eager to make a connection. This turns out to be a very bad mistake on her end.

The main character is downright chilling. He has very....shall we say...unique tastes in women. *Smirk* And the fact that he feels no remorse, but pleasure, only makes it that much more chilling. I would have liked to know a little more about him, like when this ...habit started anad perhaps a bit of the why. With all the extra words you had left over, I think you could expand on this just a bit more and make it even more chilling.

*Clock2* Pacing: Very fast and fluid. No hiccups or lulls to drag the pace down.

*Globe* Setting: Good job here. I could picture the barista quite well and the basement too. chilling details were included about his "improvements."

*Thought* Dialogue: Not much was said, but the action drove this story and it works for me!

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax* Just as mentioned above! I would love to see this expanded, even if just a little.

Great writing and story. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Congrats again!

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
18
18
Review of The Woodshed  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Ghost* Ello Jezri , Thank you for entering "Invalid Item It is my pleasure to read your work and share my humble thoughts with you. *Ghost*

*Clapper* Plot: This worked! The story starts off woth a young girl on a farm, concerned by the cries she hears coming from her father's woodshed. Not only is she worried it might be her brother, but she's reluctant to explore because the shed is strictly off limits. You have to love a story where you know where it is going, but what is actually going to happen there is not as predictable. You did a great job pulling that off!


*Person* Characters:
I liked Stephanie. She seemed like a very caring and curious young girl. Her concern for her brother came across loud and clear, and right away, the crying child puts the reader on edge.

We don't know much about the creature in this story, like where it came from or why it is there. That part did leave me a more than a little curious myself. I will say it must be very clever though to lure her in with the ruse it did. I was shocked when her brother appeared at the end. That was definitely one of those 'snap' moments where you sit up straight with your mouth open!

*Clock2* Pacing: Things flowed along here pretty well. Honestly, I can't complain. I would have liked to have spent just a bit more time inside the woodshed itself. This is when the chills started and the horror really started to roll along. It's so hard to find a balance between character development and plot in less than 1000 words. The only place it bogs down is when she's thinking about the chicken. You could probably take a look at this segment and cut it without losing the character. That would free up more words to play with at the end. Totally your call though! *Smile*

*Globe* Setting: This story made good use of the woodshed setting. It was creepy, and the isolated farm was a nice added touch! Just what I was hoping for!

*Thought* Dialogue: There wasn;t much speaking going on here. This was definitely a story of action. The one line the creature uttered was almost charming at face value, but you definitely get an undercurrant of danger in the same breath. For me, these are always the best lines. *Bigsmile*

Thoughts & Suggestions

*Ax* No major flaws stood out here. As a reader, I did want to experience more at the end. But that's just me. I also wondered if this was just some random happening, or if perhaps this monster was a local legend/terror of some sorts. It's such an interesting premise. I think you ended it all on a perfect note though! My hair stood on end just thinking about that visual and what was going to happen to poor John. Very well done.

I enjoyed reading this and thank you so much for participating in my prompt. Your stories are always a chilling and fun read.

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
19
19
Review of Tea Party  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello again, Voodoo. *Smile* This story was mentioned to me, and I couldn't help but sneak into your port to take a peek. I'm so glad I did!

There was always something distrubing and sinister beneath the whole Alice in Wonderland thing, if you ask me, and the tea party with the Mad Hatter was certainly near the top of that list! But . . . this was no Alice. What you present here was creepier by far. Good job twisting a premise and making it yours!

I didn't like Buddy. We weren't supposed to . . . yet you can't help but feel a twinge of pity for the guy. As you snicker, of course. *Laugh* It was all internal though. I wasn't laughing as I read about the towering knight, the pale woman, or the demented pink bunny. I was riveted and feeling that niggling of horror inch along my spine. The marionettes were a great touch, and gave some keen insight to Buddy that we wouldn't have known elsewise. Hat guy's little poem was a twisted touch!

All in all, This offered everything a short horror story should. Setting, characters and plot were all laid out. You gave some chilling descriptions and there was a troubling end. *Smirk* I like the way you think!

The only suggestion I had was you're missing the period at the end of your very last sentence. Perhaps you frightened it and it ran away? *giggles*

Thanks for another great read. I'll be back again soon!

~best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*
20
20
Review of Icy Balm  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello again, Mara ♣ McBain !

I'm back torummage through your port again. I think this just leaves me with one more unread. If not, let me know, and I will gladly catch up.

Overview: Whew! Who knew a scene involving something so cold would be so unbelievably HOT! *Blush* You had me squirming in my seat here as Michaela rode out her punishment and enjoyed the rewards after! Rawr!

I really loved the complex undertones here. She was careless, irresponsible, and all theis on the heels of an affair? It's no wonder her husband was searching for some way to feel he was in control of something in their relationship again! I can't imagine the strain that must have caused, but subtle hints of his displeasure shone through, from his domination, to the hard glint in his eyes, and the snarl on his lips. It was all so intense and I shivered in anticiptation as well as fear, hoping Michaela would be able to appease him.

Here your descriptions were spot on. This is the wording and unique McBain spark I have come to know and love. Your word choices are absolutely beautiful and strike a chord of envy. Terms like raw ownership, staking claim on body and soul, and the visual pictures you paint set you in a league of your own.

This was smoldering, intense, and passionate. i think I could use some ice, just from reading it! *Laugh*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Not a thing. Utter perfection as is. I'm sure we'll end up seeing this in The Flashes of Erotica Quarterly soon. You're a publishing machine!!!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* Besides the almost poetic wording, I loved the way the title fit this piece and how the last line drew it all together. It was nice to see a bit of emotional healing at the end and how Shane's tender gesture provided the balm they both sought. *Heart*


In Closing: Another fantastic story from you. It always amazes me how you manage to weave elements of plot into stories with an 800 word limit. These tales never fail to excite and inspire. Thank you for sharing your talents for free when I would gladly pay to read your work in a heartbeat.

Best wishes and happy writing!

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21
21
Review of Devotion  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello Mara ♣ McBain

Egads! You were busy when I was offline! I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit behind in reviewing your port. Shame on me. *Blush*

*Reading* Overview: It's prom time! I haven't thought about those years in...well, I don't want to talk about how long it's been. *Laugh*

I absolutely loved the idea of this taking place on a boat. There was something so magical about the setting, and so sweet that Shane went through all the efforts he did just to give Michaela a night to remember. I could see them so clearly, all decked out in their formal wear and unwinding after a long night. I couldn't help but laugh when he got frustrated with the buttons on his shirt and gave up. Michaels definitely came across as the more experienced of the two. She almost came across as vampy, while he was the shy, innocent, and trembling one. Loved the way you mixed that up!

You took your time building the anticpation and setting the mood. My heart beat a little faster, and I couldn't help but smile as his dreams unfurled before his eyes. Your descriptions of Michaela sprawled out on the covers was tantilizing, and we got to see her beauty through Shane's eyes as he got his first taste of his true love.

Very sweet and steamy read!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
As usual, I have nothing to point out. I really resent the fact that you kill my overall rating given! *Laugh* On the other hand, it's great to sit back, relax, and enjoy. So I'll forgive you...this time.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star*
I like that you branched out and tried to do something different. the roles are reversed here and there's none of the usual elements, forcing you to step outside of your comfort zone. I also liked how eager and adoring Shane was. There was something endearing about the way his hand trembled to the point of dysfunction.

In Closing: This, like all your stories, was fantastic. However, I know the one thing you respect about me is the fact that I'm 100% honest with you. While it was flawless, and most people would probably love it, it wasn't one of my favorites in your port. It didn't have that usual Mara flair, that vibrant spark that always makes me sit up and take notice whenever you write. Sorry, TT, but that's just me being honest. You can blame it on me being gone, if you like. *Wink* That said, it was still brilliant and a flawless piece of work.

Best wishes and happy writing!~

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22
22
Review of Jingle Jangle  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cat* Horror, scary, occult, supernatural, and dark fiction are my favorite genres to read. Tis' the season for chills and thrills-but I prefer to dance year round with all things dark and disturbing. Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC. *Cat*

Ello, and thank you so much for entering "A MidSummer Night's Scream. Without people like you, this contest would not be possible. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

*Paw* Initial Impressions: I had two instincts upon finishing this story: to cry, and to shiver. It was such a delicious combination of horror and human emotion that I truly felt torn! You took a classic ghost story here and (pardon the puns) wrapped it with bells and a creative twist! I really enjoyed both the theme and the delivery. Excellent work!

*Paw* Plot & Setting: The vast majority of this story takes place in Colin's house, flashing between the modern setting of his living room and his bedroom as a child years ago. The barren white walls lent a cool, almost clinical air to the setting. You included just enough details to give the reader a mental image of their surroundings and the minimalist style worked well with this fast-paced plot. *Thumbsup*

This tale covers the traditional suspect for hauntings--unfinished business. Colin's brother made a promise to return something years ago, and he feels the need to keep his word despite his untimely demise. The story moves at a brisk pace and the flashbacks are handled well, easing from one scene to the next with fluid transitions. I really enjoyed your clever plot.

*Paw* Characterization: I know, I know...I shouldn't feel bad for Michael, but I do. I just can't help it. His actions in the story were not only bratty, but atrocious, but we're often ruled by impulse and emotions in our youth. There's such an intensity to everything when we are young, including anger. *sighs* I wish things could have turned out differently for him, but it is what it is.

I also felt for Colin. he's such an innocent victim in all of this. I cannot imagine the horror or pain that must occur each year with Michael's visits. He has such a difficult decision to make...and the reasoning in the last lines of this story elicits not just a stab of sympathy, but a definite chill. Wow! what a thing to ponder.

The only things I felt were a bit lacking here were physical descriptions, even just brief ones of the boys when they were young. That's just a personal preference though. I think seeing the contrast would only up the effect at the end. Otherwise, great job making the reader FEEL. *Delight*

*Paw* Style & Flow: The minimalist, crisp style worked well with the rapid flow of the story. Everything read without a hitch and delivered some heavy punches along the way.

*Ghost* Suggestions for Improvement *Ghost*

*Ax* I could feel it’s breath as its mouth
I think you meant its breath here, not it's. It's is a contraction for it is. Those darn apostrophes sneak up on me all the time too! *Wink*

*Ax* “Night boys,” She said, a black shadow in the doorway.
she said, ~~~> dialogue tags such as he said and she said are not capitalized.

*Questiono* Okay, this might seem silly but is torch another word for flashlight? I'm not familiar with some of the terms used in other countries, but I'm fairly sure duvets are covers in the UK. This wasn't a suggestion so much as it is me trying to enlighten myself as a reader. When I first read torch, I had an image of his brother lighting a fiery stick under the blankets. *Laugh* You have to love those small differences in culture.

*Ax* It was licking me, the jingling next to my ear didn’t cease, the object was If anything, jingling louder.
Two things here. You have several comma splices here, or complete sentences joined together with commas. To fix this, you simply break the down using semi colons or periods. Also, I don;t believe 'If' needs to be capitalized. ~~~> It was licking me; the jingling next to my ear didn’t cease. The object was, if anything, jingling louder.

*Ax* Something bad was happening in my parents bedroom.
parent's (The bedroom belonging to the parents)

*Ax* In them screams I could hear words
Did you mean in 'the' screams? Them doesn't seem to fit.

*Ax*I could hear him singing from my parents room at the bottom end of the landing.
parent's room

What a fantastic read! I had a lot of fun with this one, trying to guess what the noise was and who was making it. This story was both tragic and terrifying, such an awesome combination. Thanks again for entering, and best of luck in the contest!

~Best wishes and happy haunting!~
Adriana *Moon*

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23
23
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with This Is Why We Write  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Ello, Pat! *Bigsmile*

I came across your article while getting ready to log off for the night and the title caught my attention. I wanted to know what reviewing DID have in common with astronomy, and I have to say that was a clever presentation. *Laugh*

I've given well over 2,000 reviews in my three and a half years here, and as a seasoned reviewer, I agree with much of what you have to say. Yes, reviews should be honest, encouraging, respectful of differences of opinion or content preferences, and above all else helpful. I think it's vital that a writer understand what worked for you as a reader and what didn't and that the ratings given be based soley on the amount of work/editing left to be done to an item, rather than bias. Comments given should reflect the rating that is attached. No one wants to receive glowing praise with a rating that is average or less...and no item that has mass amounts of editing should be rated as average or above. That's not always easy to do, and as readers, our eyes aren't always infallible.

It's also important for writers to take the comments they are given with a grain of salt. If someone truly seemed to enjoy your item but gave it a lower rating, perhaps they don;t understand the system or have an aversion to giving anything above X amount of stars. I've had this happen on numerous occasions. Just last week I received two absolutely glowing reviews with 3 star ratings. It happens. I've learned to look at the comments I receive as the real thing by which to measure my worth.

This was a very articulate essay and easy to understand. Your presentation was clean and flowed well.

The only thing I don't agree with is the banishment of stars altogether. (Here's where my bellybutton comes in *Laugh*) The reason for this is, on almost any site that sells books, be it Amazon, Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, etc...items are given reviews and star ratings by their reviewers. In a lot of ways, WDC reflects that system. an integral part of making sales is marketing, making connections, and getting your name out there. I've had several people approach me to do book reviews off-site and I can say that WDC has given me the confidence and ability to do this.

*Right* If writers want to publish and have their books distributed on these sites, let alone be reviewed by critics such as the NY Times, etc... they have to learn to take the good with the bad and develop a thick skin. You have to know that you can't possibly please everybody all of the time and that even best-selling authors receive 1, 2, and even 3 star reviews from their readers.

*Star* All in all, I think the system we use on the site is good practice for the writing world beyond WDC, and I believe that is a huge part of why the star system is in place.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for giving me something to think about. One of the many things I love about this place is the wide variety of people and opinions it boasts.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana *Moon*
24
24
Review of Did You Hear?  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, Jace ! *Smile* I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"   by Writing.Com Support . Thanks for entering!

*Fleurdelis* Initial impressions: Oh, Jace! Your wording is aways so beautiful. I absolutely loved how creative this story was. Your's was the only one tole from the POV of the coffe mugs themselves and I foundd that take so fascinating! Their vieww on the people and the world around them were captivating to read, and the story about how they were forged by a witch was awesome!

Your work always brings something bold and unique. Not only was it an entertaining read, but I loved the subtle undertones you infused, the warnings against gossip and low self-esteem. There was such an air of sadness at the end, when these cups were packed away and forgotten, and then a twinge of humor as they found their way into the light once again. Very cool! Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I loved the tale about how these were no ordinary cups, but how they were forged out of good and evil...and the very special powers they held. It added an even more interesting twist to an already uniquely creative tale. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
You know I'm very honest with my opinions...and believe me, this could just be me...but I didn't understand the events toward the end. I mean, I get that something obviously happened to Suzi...or her friendship with Kat...but my reader's brain is just demanding to know what. *Worry* I think even keeping to the POV of the mugs, at least a hint of that could be explained. And surely this had to have had something to do with their powers. I think expanding on this just a little tiny bit would add something more to this story.

I also wasn't clear about the end. Were these Kat's children or did she take them to a resale shop or something where they were brought years later? Did someone find them packed away and forgotten in the attic of her house? I know....I know...probably too many questions here. Maybe I missed something. If so, please feel free to call me dense. *Laugh* Overall, this was a brilliant story. I just got confused and wanted to know a little more.

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Smile*


~Best wishes, happy writing, and best of luck to you in the contest!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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25
25
Review of A Taste of Home  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there, Mikey_Greybeard ! *Smile* I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"   by Writing.Com Support . Thanks for entering!

*Fleurdelis* Initial impressions: Well now! This was interesting! I really loved how descriptive you were with the setting. I could see the scenery rolling by and the excitement as different cities and landmarks rolled into view. You did a wonderful job painting a picture for the reader. *Smile*

This is one of those stories where nothing is quite as it seems. I thought I'd figured out the strange workings of Lauren and Yvette's relationship...this odd tension and threat I felt brewing between them...but boy was I wrong! You threw in a great curveball at the end and I liked the supernatural twist...even if it did throw me for a massive loop!

Nice job! Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I loved the descriptive settings and how I felt transported into your scenery. You did an awesome, awesome job here. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Technically, this was a very clean story. I didn't notice any errors. The only suggestion I can possibly think of is to maybe trim down the travel scenes just a wee bit and work on devoping the characters a little more. I would have liked to know just a little more about Lauren as a person before she travelled to NY. I just didn't feel as much for her as I would have expected. It could just be me though....

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Smile*


~Best wishes, happy writing, and best of luck to you in the contest!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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