Ello, John A. Ashley.
I am reviewing your work today as a judge for the "Hook Us!" contest. Please bear in mind that these are soley my personal opinions. Feel free to use what you find helpful and disregard the rest.
Initial Impressions :
Though I felt this synopsis was a little too passive and drawn out, this is still a book I would want to read. I think you have a gripping plot here and a lot of different elements that come together for some interesting reading! Trust me, that says a lot, since Science Fiction isn't usually my thing.
A soldier is on a vital hunt for five ancient scrolls. The fate of the world hangs in the balance, and everything hinges on his success. Hostile alien forces are gathering, bent on bringing humanity to its knees while Captain Dawn finds himself in a fierce battle, not just to save the world, but his heart and self as well.
What Worked :
Sounds like some great stuff! Lots of suspense and action, and even a little romance and angst thrown in as well. The book is finished, and it sounds like your love of astronomy has served you well, giving you the tools and knowledge you need to build realistic worlds.
What Didn't :
As a general rule, you want your query to be as tight and to the point as possible. For all intents and purposes it should read like the blurb on the back of a book. You'll want to introduce the main characters, the theme, the plot hook, and the conflict. As good as a premise as this was, I felt it was too drawn out and passive. I found myself wanting to skim.
For example ~~~> The Scrolls of Xavier is a first person narrative that follows the struggles of Captain Micheal Dawn in his quest to retrieve five ancient scrolls from various locations across Xavier327. The information contained within these manuscripts looks to be the military's sole hope for defeating the highly advanced lifeforms that inhabit the planet's north pole.
The Scrolls of Xavier is a first person narrative that follows Captain Micheal Dawn in his quest to retrieve five ancient scrolls containing mankind's final hope for survival.
While just a suggestion, do you see how it is tighter and amps up the suspense? This is your one chance to literally grab an editor or agent by the throat. Don't loose them with passive writing.
I would go through and tighten this up as much as possible. Cut out passive wording and make it as definitive as you can. Think about what pulls you in when you pick up a book and read the back and apply it to your query. You have a great plot here. Cinch that noose and let it show!
I liked that you included your credentials, as noted above. That helps highlight your knowledge. What was missing here was who you thought this book would appeal to and why. Is there a certain genre or age group you are targeting, or do you hope to reach a braoder audience?
In closing, I'd just like to say thank you for entering. Query letters are never easy to write, but they are one of the most important pieces of writing an author ever does. Congratulations on making it through the first round. I wish you the best of luck in the second.
~Best wishes and happy writing!~
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