Ello youme This is a review of "A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL " . It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.
Initial impressions: This was a really touching story about a man who makes a mad dash for freedom and escapes the confines of a nursing home. I really liked the action in this piece and the description you gave. It had a very unique blend of humor and sombriety. I wanted to laugh at his spry hijinks, but a sense of pity kept me grounded. This was truly a tale about someone's last break for freedom and it focuses on the plight of our elderly as they endure their "golden years." Very interesting plot and a heartwarming tale that will make your readers pause to think!
The characters: I fell in love with this wily old man. He shows determination and strength as he trecks through snow, ice, and freezing water in a flimsy hospital gown to make it to his destination. He has a sense of humor about thim that adds youth to his character despite his age. I would have liked to know more about him though. Did he have any family? How did he end up there? What did he look like? These where just some things I wondered about as a reader. Overall, he was very enjoyable to read about and I couldn't help cracking a smile once he got inside that house.
Setting: The story starts off in the woods outside the nursing home and moves inside what I'm presuming is a stranger's house that others have made it to before? You gave a wealth of details about both places and I had a clear picture of my surroundings at all times. Great work here!
Favorite Part: I really loved the image of him shuffling around in that blue bathrobe and slippers, helping himself to hottub, food, and drink!
Suggestions for Improvement:
In your title, you say: an old mans trouble with nurcing
man's (since it is the trouble belonging to the man, it should have an apostrophe denoting possession) trouble with nursing
An old man's trouble with nursing homes.
You say: My bare foot brakes
Brakes are something we use to stop, such as car brakes. Did you mean breaks?
My bare foot breaks
You say: Any exercise is to much
To is used in conjunction/reference/conncection with something else. Too denotes an excess of something.
too much
You say: I hold my breath to stop the tell, tail
This is one word.
telltale
You say: tree line
This is also one word.
treeline
You say: From that point on she stocked me,
Did you mean stalked?
You say: I'v become so numb,
I've
You say: I just exsepted that a person I met a month ago is dead
I'm really not sure what you mean here. Expected? If so, the tense wouldn't make sense. (I just expected a person I met a month ago would be dead.) Upset? Exasperated?
You say: This day isn't over yet, I have things to do.
Comma splice
Semicolons/Comma splices:
These are one of the harder punctuation rules to wrap your head around. Semicolons are used when combining two separate independent clauses into one sentence.
Example:
This day isn't over yet, I have things to do.
This is incorrect. Why? You cannot link two complete sentences (that have no conjunction like ‘and’ or ‘but’) with a comma. This is known as a comma splice.
The correct usage here would be:
This day isn't over yet; I have things to do.
That’s a really simple example, but I hope you get the idea. Make sure you only use semicolons when the two clauses are complete and related to each other!
You say: I stand still, half inside and my half out in the cold.
His what? You seem to be missing a word here. It happens to me a lot! When you get on a roll, it's easy for the mind to fly ahead of the fingers!
You say: "That's fiber for you," I absent minded say.
I felt this read a little awkward.
I say absentmindedly.
You say: The high ceilings and skylights cause the common area to seam even larger
seem The other seam is like the one you would find in jeans.
You say: obvious, with there garish colors.
their the garish colors belonging to the room Their indicates belonging. There is in indication of place.
You say: I don't begrudge my bones there extra time,
their
You say: Combining meat with secret ingredients, quickly turn a pile of meat into something to die for.
I quickly
You say: I calmly walk close the door,
I don't think walk is needed here.
{:check} You say: my next is lighter that it started out before I put it down.
than it started
Commas:
While reading, I noticed a lot of commas that were out of place or missing altogether. I know these are pesky little things that often trip us writers up. Well, at least me. But, they do serve a purpose. They help accent the flow of the writing and guide your audience as they read. Rather than go through and give you a line-by-line edit of punctuation, which can be off putting, I prefer to offer advice writers can hopefully understand and put to use when editing or writing future endeavors. I find it's much easier and more beneficial to both parties that way.
Here are some hints you may or may not find helpful, but I offer them in the spirit of helping all the same:
When putting a phrase before the main sentence, you should always use a comma to mark the change from phrase to subject.
Example: After the party, I went home.
"After the party" is when you went home. Since it is in front of the subject and verb, rather than in back, there needs to be a comma. To check if a comma should be present, bump the phrase after the subject, verb, and predicate.
I went home after the party.
See, how it still makes sense? That's an easy way to tell if you need a comma. Bumping the phrase to the beginning of the sentence is a good technique to avoid starting every sentence with 'I,' but there needs to be a comma there.
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Any time you separate two sentences with and, but, or, etc, there needs to be a comma. An easy way to tell is to write the sentence as two different examples. If subject, verb, and predicate are all there, the comma is necessary.
For example: I went outside and I shoveled the driveway.
Okay, let’s check by breaking it down.
I went outside.
I shoveled the driveway.
Since the sentences can stand alone, you need to use a comma when you combine them.
Correct: I went outside, and I shoveled the driveway.
If they can't stand alone, you can leave the comma out:
I went outside and shoveled the driveway.
Hopefully, this helps some. For an excellent and more detailed overview of comma rules, you may want to see "To Comma or Not to Comma" .
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I'm not altogether sure I got the end. Maybe it was the sudden shift from first person POV to third that tripped me up. It just felt very jarring and out of place. Also, what did they mean by where would all the extra money come from? In your story, it wasn't lack of funds that seemed to drive him out of the home, but unhappiness, and perhaps a lack of quality care. Nurses make a pretty decent living. I worked in a nursing home for many years as an CNA (certified nursing assistant) and even I brought home a nice paycheck. People pay a lot of money to keep their loved ones in a home. Sadly, it's not the funds that are often lacking, but compassion and caring in the people that work there. Money isn't the solution there, but humanity and better screening of employees.
Note: Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!
Parting Thoughts: I know it seems like I made a lot of suggestions. Please don't be discouraged. You have all the framework in place for a great story. It just needs a little polishing and a careful edit. My rating is an honest reflection of that, not the writing itself. Most of the things mentioned were very easy fixes and common mistakes we all make in a first draft. If you have any questions regarding this review, feel free to ask. Also, I would be more than happy to come back and take a second look and rerate this piece after you've finished revising. This really was a touching story about the elderly and the plight they face in their so-called "golden years," and I enjoyed reading it! Thak you so much for sharing your work and good luck with all you do!
Best wishes and happy writing!
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