*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pradaprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 -4- 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
76
76
Review of Freak no more!  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there, Ellbaies *Smile* I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Angel Army's Newbie Raffle. Congratulations on your win!

Initial Impressions: A very intruiging read! I definitely wanted to know who these people were and what had happened to them. By the title, I'm thinking maybe they were in the circus r a sideshow, something along that nature, but it is never made clear. I really liked the mystery and suspense in this piece and the investigator's reaction elicited a little chill!

Thoughts/Comments/Suggestions:
*Bullet*- Seven? Are you sure it's not six or eight?
Dialogue should always be set off with quotation marks. For example: "Seven? Are you sure it's not six or eight?"

*Bullet*The question resounded inside us like a lost key falling in an empty well.
Very nice comparison. I liked the visual and sound here!

*Bullet*We hated this icy place were gloom loomed
I think you meant where gloom loomed. Were is usually used to denoted a past tense of some action, like 'we were scared.' Where indicates placement. *Wink*

*Bullet*The wall were blinds, so were the clerk
I'm really not sure what you meant here. The wall and the clerk wore blinds? The wall and the clerk were impenetrable, meaning you could not see through either? Was the clerk blind? I think just a little clarification is needed here.

*Bullet*So we told us something was odd.
This reads a tad bit awkward. 'So we told ourselves something was odd.'

*Bullet*Think of it like pruning of the branches of a tree.
Think of it like pruning off the branches of a tree.

*Question* I really wasn't sure why these people were going on stage to begin with. Why were people laughing at them. were they in some kind of magic show where something went horribly wrong? a circus maybe? As a reader, I just didn't have a clear sense of who 'they' where, what had happened to them, or why.

*Star*Favorite Part: You have a wonderful and unique way of comparing things. You used good description and gave some great mental images as I read. for me, that is one of the most enjoyable aspects of reading. *Thumbsup*

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to use what you find useful and ignore the rest! *Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this and think you have a great foundation in place to build a solid story off of. I think if you fill in some details and flesh out the plot and characters a little, you will have an amazing story on your hands. The vision and creativity are already there and these are our greatest tools! Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions regarding this review or if you make any revisions. I'd be happy to take a second look!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
77
77
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there, fyn *Smile* I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Angel Army's "a very Wodehouse challenge! Thank you so much for entering and participating in January's round.

Initial Impressions: What a beautiful and nostalgic poem! Reading this brought back many fond memories of my own childhood winters. You played heaily on the senses, doing exceptionally well pulling me into this piece as I read. I could feel the warmth and the cold. I could see the ice, snow, rosy cheeks and warm fires. This is a poem that envelops the reader and your words evoked comfort, joy, and a sense of coziness! I also think the free-flowing form worked well with this piece.

Technical/Grammatical errors: None noticed.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The tinking music of the icicles. You really gave a lot of fantastic imagery here.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* None!

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: This was a wonderful poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for sharing and best of luck in the Outreach contest. *Thumbsup*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
78
78
Review of Creation  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, Becks! Now you done went and made me cry! *Cry* How very sweet! I'm so touched by the sentiment behind these words, that you put so much thought into expressing the turmoil we writers often feel. Dedication aside, this was a very compelling piece. You speak the pure, honest truth here and deliver a message.

Writers write because they need to. We are gifted with the visions and words we expound, for reasons we don't understand. Some deliver messages of joy and hope, some love and laughter, and other chills or something shadowed. Without pain and sorrow, one can never understaand what happiness means. I think we are all compliments to each other. Light highlights the shadows. Rain creates rainbows. Diversity is so important, and authors should never be frowned upon because of the genre they write.

To critique work is one thing, to attack someone as a person . . . that is unacceptable and inexcusable.

I love the free-flowing verse. I'm touched that you were inspired. Most of all, I love the message you deliver. Thank you for sharing this. *Kiss*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~*Heart*
Adriana


79
79
Review of Steven  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ello BryanLee I found your short story, "Steven while browsing WDC's latest horror offerings. I really liked the simplistic title and your description had me intruiged. So, here I am, stopping in for a visit and a read. *Smile*

Initial impressions: I was pleasantly surprised! You truly did deliver on the suspense! This is one of those stories that keep the reader guessing throughout the entire course. there is so much going on, with the mysterious mention of Steven, the bear (I never trust toys), and the subtle hints of resentment that I picked up on from the mother, that I was never 100% sure where this story was going.

You wove your plot cleverly. I thought I had a good idea of where things were going, but you threw in a few twists that unseated that confidence. All in all, this was a fantastic story that will keep your audience on the edge of their seats!

One other thing I would like to mention here is the style you use. Some readers prefer heavy descriptions, some like a clean, clear-cut style. I'm honestly not picky *Laugh*. But, the style has to work with the story itself and you went the right way here. The tight, clean wording added authenticity to your characters and kept the action flowing. Yet, somehow, you managed to mainatin a menacing aura without painting a sinister scene and tone. Clever!

The characters: This, to me, was the most fascinating aspect of the story. There is a lot going on here with your cast, but it's behind the scenes. You have a very believeable and likeable array. Katy won my heart from the get-go and her father is easy to relate to. They both evoke sympathy and understanding, a real sense of connection as one reads. One of the coolest aspects of this story was feeling like an invisible bystander. I felt as if I stood off to the side, watching this family interact. Great dimension and dynamics!

Katy is such a sweet litle girl. I could see her so clearly and that youthful voice rang in my head. She seems oblivious to her mother's silent brooding, and really is the apple in her daddy's eye. She's a low maintance kid, but even that doesn't stop her mom from begrudging her duties as a parent. It's so sad that some people can't stop and take a moment to enjoy their kids, rather than being so self absorbed.

My favorite time of the day is when my kids and I gather around the dinner table and reconnect after a hectic day. I look forward to that time with them, because before you know it, they are running out the door again to play or slinking off to their rooms to bond with toys and video games. *Rolleyes* For that reason, I begrudged the mother from the start. Heck, she couldn't even appreciate having a decent man around that was a good father! Despite his affiable nature and attentiveness, even Phil felt the sting of rejection at his wife's hands. It tugs on the heartstrings and is a good ploy to make your readers empathize.

Steven plays an interesting role throughout the course of this story. I really can't say much else without giving it all away, but everytime his name was mentioned, I felt a thrill racedown my spine. The scene outside where Katy mentions his dining preference was downright chilling.

Setting/Plot: The vast majority of the story takes place in the family's home with a short stint in the local park. There isn't much dwelling on the setting in this story, as it is driven by action. However, as a reader, I didn't feel I was out there floundering either. Sufficent enough details were given.

*Thumbsup* I loved the plot. It was paced extremely well and it will keep readers guessing. This is something a lot of people crave, making suspense and psychological thrillers very popular in books and film.

*Question* That said, I wasn't fond of the insect. Here's why: You went through painstaking efforts to create this wonderful, believable cast. Everything felt so real, and then BOOM, all sense of that went flying out the window. It felt very jarring. The fear and unease you built up to that point was based on a solid foundation your readers can understand and this sudden sci-fi element thrown in in the middle of an otherwise psychological horror story sent me reeling. I don't know if you've ever seen "The Others" or "The Orphan," but it would be like seeing something like this pop up all of a sudden in the middle of them.

Just my opinion here, and a matter of personal taste, but it felt like a cheap scare tactic that really didn't fit. I think this story would have a much greater impact if you built more around Steven, perhaps utilizing the jogger in the park instead. Maybe play off of him instead. This is something your audience will believe.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I absolutely LOVED the way you ended this! *Delight* I applaud your brilliant twist! It hit with an impact and left chills in its wake, much like those episodes of Tales from the Darside or Twillight Zone. Cheers!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Overall, a clean story. Only one minor technical edit to point out. Towards should be toward.

That and I think this would be sooo much stronger without the bug, but the jogger in its stead...same concept just a more believeable "perpetrator."

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. While I have the highest respect for all authors, I do feel inclined to throw my two cents in frome time to time. *Wink* Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note*

Parting Thoughts: Awesome story! I would love to feature this in my upcoming horror newsletter, set for the first Wednesday in February. You definitely have talent and this was an amazing ride. Thank you so much for allowing me to visit your port and for sharing your work with the rest of us! *Bigsmile*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
80
80
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Ello youme *Smile* This is a review of "A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL . It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: This was a really touching story about a man who makes a mad dash for freedom and escapes the confines of a nursing home. I really liked the action in this piece and the description you gave. It had a very unique blend of humor and sombriety. I wanted to laugh at his spry hijinks, but a sense of pity kept me grounded. This was truly a tale about someone's last break for freedom and it focuses on the plight of our elderly as they endure their "golden years." Very interesting plot and a heartwarming tale that will make your readers pause to think!

The characters: I fell in love with this wily old man. He shows determination and strength as he trecks through snow, ice, and freezing water in a flimsy hospital gown to make it to his destination. He has a sense of humor about thim that adds youth to his character despite his age. I would have liked to know more about him though. Did he have any family? How did he end up there? What did he look like? These where just some things I wondered about as a reader. Overall, he was very enjoyable to read about and I couldn't help cracking a smile once he got inside that house.

Setting: The story starts off in the woods outside the nursing home and moves inside what I'm presuming is a stranger's house that others have made it to before? You gave a wealth of details about both places and I had a clear picture of my surroundings at all times. *Thumbsup* Great work here!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I really loved the image of him shuffling around in that blue bathrobe and slippers, helping himself to hottub, food, and drink! *Laugh*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*

*Check* In your title, you say: an old mans trouble with nurcing
man's (since it is the trouble belonging to the man, it should have an apostrophe denoting possession) trouble with nursing
*Bullet* An old man's trouble with nursing homes.

*Check* You say: My bare foot brakes
Brakes are something we use to stop, such as car brakes. Did you mean breaks?
*Bullet* My bare foot breaks

*Check* You say: Any exercise is to much
To is used in conjunction/reference/conncection with something else. Too denotes an excess of something.
*Bullet* too much

*Check* You say: I hold my breath to stop the tell, tail
This is one word.
*Bullet* telltale

*Check* You say: tree line
This is also one word.*Wink*
*Bullet* treeline

*Check* You say: From that point on she stocked me,
Did you mean stalked?

*Check* You say: I'v become so numb,
I've

*Check* You say: I just exsepted that a person I met a month ago is dead
I'm really not sure what you mean here. Expected? If so, the tense wouldn't make sense. (I just expected a person I met a month ago would be dead.) Upset? Exasperated? *Worry*

*Check* You say: This day isn't over yet, I have things to do.
Comma splice
*Question* Semicolons/Comma splices:
These are one of the harder punctuation rules to wrap your head around. Semicolons are used when combining two separate independent clauses into one sentence.

Example:
*Cut* This day isn't over yet, I have things to do.
This is incorrect. Why? You cannot link two complete sentences (that have no conjunction like ‘and’ or ‘but’) with a comma. This is known as a comma splice.

The correct usage here would be:
*Paste* This day isn't over yet; I have things to do.
That’s a really simple example, but I hope you get the idea. Make sure you only use semicolons when the two clauses are complete and related to each other!


*Check* You say: I stand still, half inside and my half out in the cold.
His what? You seem to be missing a word here. *Wink* It happens to me a lot! When you get on a roll, it's easy for the mind to fly ahead of the fingers!

*Check* You say: "That's fiber for you," I absent minded say.
I felt this read a little awkward.
*Bullet* I say absentmindedly.

*Check* You say: The high ceilings and skylights cause the common area to seam even larger
seem The other seam is like the one you would find in jeans.

*Check* You say: obvious, with there garish colors.
their the garish colors belonging to the room Their indicates belonging. There is in indication of place.

*Check* You say: I don't begrudge my bones there extra time,
their

*Check* You say: Combining meat with secret ingredients, quickly turn a pile of meat into something to die for.
I quickly

*Check* You say: I calmly walk close the door,
I don't think walk is needed here.

{:check} You say: my next is lighter that it started out before I put it down.
than it started

*Question* Commas: *Question*
While reading, I noticed a lot of commas that were out of place or missing altogether. I know these are pesky little things that often trip us writers up. Well, at least me. *Rolleyes* But, they do serve a purpose. They help accent the flow of the writing and guide your audience as they read. Rather than go through and give you a line-by-line edit of punctuation, which can be off putting, I prefer to offer advice writers can hopefully understand and put to use when editing or writing future endeavors. I find it's much easier and more beneficial to both parties that way.
Here are some hints you may or may not find helpful, but I offer them in the spirit of helping all the same:
When putting a phrase before the main sentence, you should always use a comma to mark the change from phrase to subject.
Example: After the party, I went home.

"After the party" is when you went home. Since it is in front of the subject and verb, rather than in back, there needs to be a comma. To check if a comma should be present, bump the phrase after the subject, verb, and predicate.
*Right* I went home after the party.
See, how it still makes sense? That's an easy way to tell if you need a comma. *Smile* Bumping the phrase to the beginning of the sentence is a good technique to avoid starting every sentence with 'I,' but there needs to be a comma there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Note* Any time you separate two sentences with and, but, or, etc, there needs to be a comma. An easy way to tell is to write the sentence as two different examples. If subject, verb, and predicate are all there, the comma is necessary.
For example: I went outside and I shoveled the driveway.

Okay, let’s check by breaking it down.
I went outside.
I shoveled the driveway.

Since the sentences can stand alone, you need to use a comma when you combine them.
Correct: I went outside, and I shoveled the driveway.

If they can't stand alone, you can leave the comma out:
*Right* I went outside and shoveled the driveway.

*Idea* Hopefully, this helps some. For an excellent and more detailed overview of comma rules, you may want to see "To Comma or Not to Comma.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Blush*I'm not altogether sure I got the end. Maybe it was the sudden shift from first person POV to third that tripped me up. It just felt very jarring and out of place. Also, what did they mean by where would all the extra money come from? In your story, it wasn't lack of funds that seemed to drive him out of the home, but unhappiness, and perhaps a lack of quality care. Nurses make a pretty decent living. I worked in a nursing home for many years as an CNA (certified nursing assistant) and even I brought home a nice paycheck. People pay a lot of money to keep their loved ones in a home. Sadly, it's not the funds that are often lacking, but compassion and caring in the people that work there. Money isn't the solution there, but humanity and better screening of employees.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I know it seems like I made a lot of suggestions. Please don't be discouraged. You have all the framework in place for a great story. It just needs a little polishing and a careful edit. My rating is an honest reflection of that, not the writing itself. Most of the things mentioned were very easy fixes and common mistakes we all make in a first draft. If you have any questions regarding this review, feel free to ask. Also, I would be more than happy to come back and take a second look and rerate this piece after you've finished revising. This really was a touching story about the elderly and the plight they face in their so-called "golden years," and I enjoyed reading it! Thak you so much for sharing your work and good luck with all you do! *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
81
81
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh Winnie, this story brought tears to my eyes and by the end, they were leaking down my face. One can just feel the love and adoration you have for your mother, and the profound ache this loss has left in its stead. Alzheimers and dementia are, I think, in many ways so much harder to deal with than death itself. They pose a living loss. The person you know and love is standing right in front of you, but they are no longer there. If you are lucky, as you said, you catch glimpses of them now and then.

This was beautifully written. I could see, hear and smell everything in the begining and the description of your youth and those warm summer days brought a smile to my face. You were very detailed in both setting and character, making me feel as if I,too, sat at this table. Wonderful job showing the display of love and family that founded your childhood.

As equally well-written was your account of what happened toyour mother and where she is now. You kept things very conscise, but the emotion was still there and this really is a heartwrenching piece to read. I am so verry sorry for your pain, and that you have to watch your mom's mind fade away like that.

One thing I did find very interesting was your statement that she keeps hearing Ave Maria playing. I think this may tie into what I mentioned to you in our e-mails. As sad as it may sound, I actually took comfort in knowing that and smiled.

Overall, I thought this was very beautiful, powerful and a poignant piece. I think you should consider submitting this somewhere, perhaps like Chicken Soup for the Soul. Many people have and are going through this, and I think they too will find some comfort in knowing they are not alone and be touched by the story you have shared. Last comment, and then I willleave you to enjoy your evening. I know absolutley nothing can ever replace a mother's love, but, if you ever need an ear to listen to your dreams, or even a shoulder to cry on, I am here.

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana
82
82
Review of Snow Angels  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Talk about jumping in with both feet! *Laugh* Not only is this your first attempt at poetry, but you decide to tackle what is argued to be the most difficult form to write! Way to go Mara! *Thumbsup*
I can't really comment much on flow, as Sestina's always leave me feeling confused. I can say that this has some awesome imagery and I love the pictures that played in my head as I read this. It brought back memories of my own youth, and more recent ones of my kids at play. It's a beautiful tribute to days gone by and of winter wonder.
I'm glad that you've taken a bold step here and branched your style. Besides, now you can't rib me anymore for having poetry in my port! *Laugh*
83
83
Review of The Game  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ello Shannon

*Smile*I'm reviewing you today on behalf of NickiD89 's Merit Badge Bonanza! I gotta admit, I was over the moon when I saw that I drew your name. Any day I visit your port is a good day! *Laugh* This is a review of "The Game. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: I've read almost every other short story you've written. Yes, that is a not too subtle hint that you need to write more. *Wink* This one really had an intruiging title and description though and when I opened it, I was immediately taken! There was a creepy quality to the picture. I agree he does look a lot like Cameron. But it was your words that got me. Your opening had a soothing, hynotic tone, but the ideas they conveyed sparked both fear and intrigue. This story held suspense, mystery, and hints of sorrow. It was a beautiful, haunting piece amde all the more so by your words. I managed to hold myself together until I read the author's note at the end. Then, my friend, I started to cry. I'm so sorry this was inspired, in part, by truth. I do think this helped fueled the emotion behind the story though and made it feel very authentic.

The characters: What can I say? I loved Shannen right off the bat. I felt a strong affinity with her, having always wanted to work in the law enforcement field myself. I loved that she was such a tomboy, building forts and playing these mysterious games of adventure and suspense with Cameron. It brought back such strong memories of my own childhood and the summer I had. Instead of crickets though, me and my friend Chris always caught crawldads in the creek behind his house. *Smile* It was sad watching her go from enthusiastic to scared. I loved that you conveyed that so subtly by just describing the shake of her hands as she spoke. Great showing point!

Cameron made me smile. He was all boy and his thoughts about Shannen's detective skills had me grinning. A little bit jealous, maybe, but mostly awed by his friend. He came across as very real, and very sweet. And his Uncle Jeb was much fun to read as well.

Very dimensional cast!

Setting/Plot: Alaska. Oh how I could see the summer tundra! I could picture the rolling waves of pink and maybe some snow capped shelves in the distance. You painted a vivid and beautiful picture with your words. I felt as if I were there in the thick of summer with them!

Your plot was fast paced and gripping. My heart started to pound when I discovered it wasn't part of their game this time, though I thought that might be the case. I felt bad for Shannen in her fear, and then downright miserable as the rest of the story played out.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* One thing that will really stick with me is Cameron's dreams. I could envision that part so well and it made my heart twist. Anyone that's ever lost a childhood friend will know these dreams and what they feel like. How every time you think of them or dream of them, you are transported back to your youth...and how a nagging sense of guilt always remains. This was such a beautiful, powerful part of the story. I can't applaud the emotion or detail enough.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* None. I loved every word.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: You're just an amazing author, Shannon! I don't know what else to say. This was a wonderful, emotional piece of work and I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good read!*Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
84
84
Review of The cursor blinks  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ello Fitz , and welcome to WDC! I came across a review of your poem, "The cursor blinks on the public review page and wanted to take a look for myself! It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you. *Smile*

Initial impressions: I really like the title. I think it serves as a good hook, especially given your audience here. This poem captures the frustration we have all felt at one time or another, staring at that stupid cursor. It's a detailed account of the agony a writer feels when waiting for words or an idea to start flowing. Very relatable!

The Style: I like the freestyle form here. I think it worked well with the subject matter and gave you freedom to express things in a chaotic sort of way. The thoughts come across as fractured and slightly random, which exactly how those moments feel.

Rhyme/Flow: Theres no rhyme pattern to detect here because of the style. I think the poem itself flowed well.
You do a good job describing the imagery and setting, as well as conveying emotion.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The overall content. Like I said before, this is something many people will be able to empathize with. You'll have readers nodding their head and murmuring their agreement.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Slight title tweak ~~~> The Cursor Blinks
Words in a title are usually capped. The exceptions to this are usually conjunctive words like the, or, of, an, a, etc. Unless they are the first word.

~when nothings their
I think you mean there. Their is used to show possession: Their car is red. There is used to show placement. Nothing is there.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your vision and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I wouldn't say this needs a stupendous amount of work. Not at all! It was actually a very good poem and an enjoyable read. I'm sure someone else will be able to offer you some advice on the placement of comas and periods in this poem. Unfortunately, I'm a fledgling poet and just learning those things myself. *Blush*

I really like what you have here. Thanks for sharing, and again, welcome to WDC! I hope you find it to be as wonderful and beneficial as I have. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
85
85
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello Shannon

*Smile*This is a review of "The Legend of Uriah Johnson. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you. Congrats on your second place win!

Initial impressions: I know I'm always going to be in for a treat when I open something of yours. I was immediately taken by the unique style and tone of this story. The charater's voice just leaps right of the page. I swear I could hear it in my head, right down to that "willies" drawl! Another thing that I really liked was the creepy photo effect in the picture and the name Uriah...I was good friends with a guy in school that had that name and always thought it very unique. He too was a bit of a hellraiser! *Wink*

The characters: As I said above, they leap right off the page. These characters are rich, vibrant, and suffused wth life. You don't give much physical description of Junior, though judging from his circumstances and dialect...I managed to form a pretty good one in my head. I actually liked that tactic, and his backstory was more than amusing.

Uriah, where do we start here. He's definitely a mystery, but you deliver him well. As a reader we will never know if he truly existed, or if he was a figment of Junior's imagination (or his mama's moonshine *Laugh*) I really loved the descriptions you gave of him, right down to the Children of the Corn get up!

Setting/Plot: I'll admit...I was a little shocked to see this story took place in recent times. Though, given the region and economy of that area, it fits! You describe the setting well.

The plot takes many twists and turns. You revealed the old legend and in the process, created a new one. Uriah's words ring true at the end and I loved the twist you took there. The pacing was fast and held my interest from start to finish! A little bit of horror, mystery, and a lot of suspense. I definitely loved this story.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I had to laugh when Junior woke up to find Uriah standing over his bed staring down at him and his reaction to that. I did that once to my beloved, trying to see if he was sleeping or still awake and he almost jumped out of his skin. *Laugh* I also had a good chuckle at some of the names you came up with, Miss Amberlee's last one in particular!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
None. No grammatical, technical, or other flaws noted.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: Another winner! Your talent as a writer speaks for itself. I honestly can't get enough of your work. This is a memorable tale and a fun read. Congratulations!*Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
86
86
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings {suser:omniblueeyes! I just finished reading your poem "Grow your manhood here? and wanted to share my thoughts with you.

Initial Impressions: *Laugh* I was giggling out loud as I read this piece. I loved the humor that went into your words. This is definitely a unique subject matter, especially for a poem and I found it to be a very enjoyable read. I also liked the way you set of the beginning and ending stanzas. It added an air of disbelief and accented these stanzas nicely!

Structure, rhyme, and flow:
Great structure and rhyme. There were only a few places where I felt the verbal flow could be tweaked. Some of the phrases are awkward to read out loud, such "with each and every lay." While there is nothing wrong with it, it doesn't glide off the tongue with the same fluid ease as the rest of your poem.

*Idea*Notes & Suggestions*Idea*
As mentioned above. Also, the comedy genre fits this piece very well. I'm wondering about the fantasy though...perhaps satire or something along those lines?

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your poem and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

In Closing: This really was great. I enjoyed reading it and am so grateful for the laughs! You have quite the imagination! Who would have thought an infomercial would be so inspiring? *Thumbsup* Keep up the great work!
Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*
~Adriana
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
87
87
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful idea and a great way to spread some holiday cheer! I loved the colorful graphics and the organized layout for this activity. The guidelines for participation were clear and easy to understand. Not just understand but do! This is definitely an activity that members of all ages and experience levels can enjoy and it doesn't take much effort, a huge plus durring this busy, busy time!

Great work, Nicki! *Thumbsup* Keep on creating!
88
88
Review of Burden of Love  
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Aranka1991 , and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile*

This really is beautiful. I loved the bittersweet melancholoy your words held and the muted shades of reverance. It made for a unique and alluring tone that pulled me and and held me enthralled. This is a poem of passion and longing, something so many of us can relate to and connect with on the deepest level. I think the free verse form worked well for this piece.

The only suggestion I have is to maybe go through and double check your spelling, as I did notice a few slip ups.

For example, crueller >>>crueler.

Overall, this is a wonderful piece of work and I enjoyed reading it! Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*
~Adriana

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
89
89
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Aww, Judity! As a person who loves to cook, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of empathy here! You did, however, have me laughing with your accounts of the rum balls, and the usual good grance and humor with which you accept life. This was a wonderful glimpse into some funny holiday mishaps, a great read, and a glimpse into who you are. Though the rum balls sounded good to me despite the overload. (I'm all for needing walls around the holidays *Laugh*) I really enjoyed the visual settings you gave, especially the cats pacing the kitchen floor when they smelled that turkey cooking. Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom and humor for the rest of us!
Best wishes,
~Adriana
90
90
Review of The House  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Ello Katie Sykerd *Smile* Thank you so much for entering A MidSummer Night's Scream! This is a review of "The House. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: Interesting set up! I really liked the concept of someone staying home alone over holiday. It lent an isolated backdrop to your story, with the exception of Jack, the terrier of course! I think this is a tale many readers will be able to relate to. I know being home alone at night certainly does make one's heart hammer, especially if you start hearing things go bump in the night!

The characters: Susan comes across as your average girl-next door. This makes her very easy to relate to and I think many here can relate to the desire she had to be alone, just so she can write in peace. She's likeable and easy to understand.

Jack plays a small role in the story. He is another motivating factor for Susan to stay home, and is the only ohter known living thing in the house with her. I'm sure being a terrier, he is full of rambunctious energy! We got a slight inside to that when she hears the garbage can being knocked over downstairs. *Laugh* Pets! My cat has given me mini-heart attacks at night doing the same darn thing!

Setting/Plot: The vast majority of the story takes place in the house while Susan is alone. She wanders outside for a brief while, intending to write, only to fall asleep. Ah, the life of a writer! I think we have all done that a shaeful time or two. *giggles* You defined the house well and gave the reader a clear image of their surroundings.

The plot centers around her hearing strange noises, the mysterious show of blood, and Susan's own rising fear. It's intruiging!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I had to laugh during the air freshener scene. Her reaction was almost comical, but one I could relate to all too well! Funny how the most familiar things can scare us half to death when we forget about them. *Wink*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Only two small things here. The first being the plot. The ending was very abrupt, leaving it with an almost unfinished feel. It's really unclear who or what is making the noises Susan hears. Where did the blood come from? Was it hers? Jack's? Something or someone elses? I think a little more clarification and interaction with her nemesis would help close some of the holes here and leave your reader's feeling less confused.

A lot of the story is repitition of Susan's thoughts and most of it passive. You may want to consider going back through at some point and tightening things up. By doing so, you will have a more active voice and add a lot more impact and suspense. For example: Her feet seemed to make no noise on the dampened carpet and the bottom step was soon won ---> Her feet made no noise on the damp carpet and she soon found the bottom step. See how that tightened the wording, making it stronger and more active? This is just one small example, but it should give you an idea of what I mean.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I think you have a solid frame for a story and some really great content to work with. With a little tweaking and filling in, this gcould go from good to amazing! That aside, I really enjoyed reading your entry. Please remember not to make any edits until the contest results are announced! Again, thank you so much for entering, and good luck in the contest! *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
91
91
Review of November Curtains  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ello patrickj *Smile* Thank you so much for entering A MidSummer Night's Scream! This is a review of "November Curtains. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: This story had me hypnotized from start to finish. You took your time developing both plot and character and your descriptions were almost enchanting! A forboding sense of melancholy and fear wafted throughout this entire piece and I was in love with it by the time I reached the end. Honestly, this is a fascinating work and you have a gifted pen!

The characters: Quite a mesmerizing cast here, Fairport. Richard was a bit pompous when it came to his talent, but he was otherwise likeable and easy to relate to. Jessica and her nightly visits were quite alluring to read about, and served as a good cataylist in the story. Not much is known about this patient they discuss, L...but his son is certainly someone...or something to behold.

Setting/Plot: I don't think I've ever come across a plot like this one before. It is not one of a typical haunting, nor are the dark forces plaguing Richard common. This story held a lot of appeal both in plot and your viviid descriptions of the settings. Everything played out as clear as if it were a movie, rather than mere words on a screen. I loved the orignality and execution.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The scene with Alister in Richard's office. As chilling and grotesque as he seemed to be, there was something highly hypnotic and alluring about this patient. Much like richard, I was hard pressed to tear my eyes away! Excellent descriptions and visuals!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
~considered “lost causes” by Richard and were eventually processed out to psychiatrist’s who held --->There is no need for the possessive form here. psychiatrists

~I do acknowledge that the possibility of my inheritance of certain, let us say, mental conditions, may exists," --->exist

The deal/promise offered by L is a little vague, even after Alister's visit to the good doctor. As a reader, I really wanted to know more about this and what it entailed. Perhaps a subtle reminder from Alister would help clarify things for your audience and strike a deeper chord of terror. Being vague to maintain mystery is an awesome way to bait interest, but the questions you rise do need and eventual answer.

I truly loved this story and admired your way with words as I read. Unfortunately, because you editied it after the contest closed and before judging was final, I have to disqualify it. *Sad*

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: Amazing read and very well crafted. I'm disheartened this story lost a place for consideration. However, you have gained a fan in me and I look forward to reading more of your work. You're a very talented writer! Again, thank you so much for entering, and good luck in all that you do! *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
92
92
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello George R. Lasher *Smile* Thank you so much for entering A MidSummer Night's Scream! This is a review of "The Werewolf of Sault Ste. Marie. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: Wow! Okay, I'll admit I let out a begrudging groan when I saw your title. Vampires, werewolves, and zombies crowd the shelves in every video and book store. I'm not a fan, and was certain this story would be no exception. Oh, George, how wrong I was! *Shock*

You drew me in and by the second paragraph or so, I was hooked. Superb writing and excellent storytelling skills made this classic Halloween tale a must read!

The characters: I got such a good feel for Gwen and Larry as the story evolved, that I couldn't help but care what happened to them. You took your time developing these characters, right down to Gwen's nervous childhood tick. They're young, and perhaps a little reckless in love, but oh so easy to relate to. I also really liked your supporting cast from the giggly chested Cleopatra to the town mayor. All of them were very vivid, clear, and animated.

Setting/Plot: You weave a lot of interesting backstory into the current setting. The radio and flashbacks were a clever tool, getting your point across without detracting any from the action. Setting was clear and well-defined at all points, and I think I'm in love with Larry's father's car! The vast majority of the story centers around this sleek classic and the secluded place for lovers, where it is parked.

Plot: Very interesting. You took several unexpected twists, especially the one at the end, involving Franco. I thought I knew what was happening there and boom...I was wrong. *Laugh* I normally hate that in real life, but in fiction, I love to be pleasantly surprised! The town has experienced two disappearances over the yearss, both spaced very far apart. Surrounded by wilderness, the residents have to deal with a constant bombardment of wolves, and perhaps something a little more sinister. You took your time developing the story, leaving small clues here and there to wet the reader's appetite and draw them in. Very well executed.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The twist near the end. I really don't want to give it away here . . . needless to say, I was shocked.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Honestly, I don't think there is much you could improve on here. I loved it all from start to finish and didn't notice any errors. Then again, don't hold that against me if there are. I was so wrapped up in the story...

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: Excellent story, George, and a fine read. Please remember not to make any edits until after the results are announced. Again, thank you so much for entering, and good luck in the contest! *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
93
93
Review of Rust  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello Beatle *Smile* Thank you so much for entering A MidSummer Night's Scream! This is a review of "Rust. It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: Wow! I'm not usually a big fan of sci-fi or stories with futuristic type elements, but this one sort of blew me away. There was something distinctly chilling about the isolated protagonist and his dwindiling sanity. You held me enthralled from start to finish here and I had to tamp down several shudders as I read through this. *Thumbsup*

The characters: He's nameless, but we learn so much about this character through the fleeting flashbacks he has of his previous life. I felt a strong connection to him and an overwhelming sense of pity as I read. Hooked up to pipes, he's left alone, forced to wonder if everything he has ever thought or felt is a figment of his own imagination, or glimpses of what used to be. His thoughts were a profound way to connect with him, and I really liked the techniques you used here to introduce him.

The pipes play a major part in this story, although they are not a character per say. They serve as both a setting and an antagonist of sorts, and your readers will wonder what they are, why they are there...and what this creature is scuttling among them.

Setting/Plot: Awesome plot. It had me hooked. The mystery, horror, and suspense this story holds are all interwoven, leaving one intese read in its wake. The labryinth of pipes is a dark, chilling setting...the lone antagonist left to ponder his fate among them a riviting plot. Great work on both accounts.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The end. Seriously? Those last two or three lines blew me away. I definitely had the chills then. Ack! Not what I was expecting at all. Sort of sad, but undeniably chilling!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
I wont pick on your overseas spelling. *Wink* I've been around long enough to know certain countries have a different way of spelling different words. I honestly don't think you can improve meuch on this tale at all. Only one small thing stood out at me: Over the time that the machine-creature’s breathing slows down It begins---> down, it
No need to have "it" capped here.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: Awesome read and very intense! Please remember not to make any edits until the winners are announced. Again, thank you so much for entering, and good luck in the contest! *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
94
94
Review of Muse  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh Mara! I've always felt myself drawn to tales of muses, and of writers. I suppose it is human nature to want to read of others' experiences and see if we can see a bit of our own lurking within them. This one, however, held me spellbound. I could picture Patrick so well, this handsome, reclusive author who scorns society and burns to write. I have felt that pain before and know how desperate it can make one become. It can lead to madness, just as it has in his case. *giggles*

As always, you have a way of weaving your words and painting powerful descriptions that plunge the reader headlong into your stories. I became immersed in the magical setting of the bookshop decked to the hilt in seasonal decor...and the inviting light of the fire. Your dialogue had me laughing at some points and rubbing down a distinct chill in others. This is a story that both mesmerizes and entertains....and it is bound to make any writer think...or at the very least hope. Hope that we never reach such a dire point of desperation and err...well...dare I say insanity?

I loved this plot. I hope you consider expanding this someday, as I think it would be even more incredible. As for this story, it was fast paced and gripping, well written, and full of your trademark flair. I thought it was a great twist and a different way to approach the quote. Surely it will make your story stand out in the mind of both writers and readers. Fans beware...you never know when inspiration will strike! *Laugh*

Great work!
95
95
Review of Adriana's Tale  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. Bill! This was well worth the wait! I'm sure I will have nightmares tonight after reading this! Your descriptions were so vivid and powerful that I could see, feel, and hear everything. This was an awesome story from the powerful loss felt, to the raging storms and the creepy creature lurking atop Nobb hill!

One teeny, tiny little thing you might want to look at. *Wink*
Baby spiders crawled in and out of there mouths~~~>their?

Thank you so much for writing this and for sharing your incredible talent with the rest of us. *Thumbsup* You are always such a joy to read and your horror stories rock! I'm honored! Best wishes and happy writing!
~Adri
96
96
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Ello warriormom

This is a review of "A Soul Shrouded in Shame It is my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you!

Overview: What a powerful and emotional poem! I could feel the weight behind each word, sense the pain and determination. This poem had a very powerful voice, accented by your vivid word choices. It speaks to the reader and leaves no room for doubt as to where your emotions stand.

It had a great tempo and flow. I didn't stumble across any hitches that interrupted my reading and I was able to focus soley on your words.

As with most poems about abuse, you elicted a strong range of reactions from me. I reveled in the strength you show when taking your stance. My heart breaks, sensing the anger and pain of this betrayl, and I fume, livid that any person could do anything to harm a child.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Not a thing!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The voice and tone this poem speaks in. It is a moving piece. I also loved the end, where you show you are a survivor and pass the blame and guilt where it belongs. Well done!

*Note*Please remember that all suggestions and thoughts are my sole opinion as a reader. Feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and the work of art you have created. *Smile*

In Closing: Excellent poem. It moves and inspires. We are all poeple of our own making and the choices in life are ours to make as adults. We do not have to suffer in the bonds childhood may place. You state that so well in such an eloquent way. Thank you so much for sharing!

Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
97
97
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello Laurel I came across your poem, "The New Christmas Toy while browsing the Troublesome Choices page. I've been finding some awesome reads there all day!

Overview: Mt first thought was interesting title. I wanted to know more about it, especially since your description didn't provide any clues.

*Laugh* Oh my! You are one sick, twisted pup and I love it! This is the first truly troublesome entry I have read all day. I just couldn't stop smirking and laughing as I read this and then, I burst out laughing out loud. *Blush* I think I frightened my cat!

So, Santa has a problem. Mrs. Claus, being the good and doting wife that all women strive to be *Smirk* decides to help him out. She certainly did take some pressure off the big guy, and the results are a disturbing fascinating new toy! The hottest things to ever fly off the shelves since the explosions of Cabbabe Patch dolls and Tickle Me Elmos! Yep...this is where I burst out laughing.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
None! This was sheer perfection in my eyes!

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* Poor elves! I really don't want to say more than that. But the twist at the end also drew a sniggling fit.

*Note*Please remember that all suggestions and thoughts are my sole opinion as a reader. Feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and the work of art you have created. *Smile*

In Closing: Excellent poem! It had this cheerful jaunty flow that really contrasted with the subject matter. I loved how warped this was and the high quality made it that much more enjoyable to read! What else can I say? This was some fantastic writing and a great fit for the contest. Thanks so much for sharing! I will never look at Christmas or elves quite the same. *Wink*

Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
98
98
Review by Adriana Noir
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ello Ken! I saw "Forty-eight Minutes listed on the request a review page and decided to take a look!

Overview: The title struck me as a little odd at first, but after reading the story, it made sense. It was the description that drew me in. I wanted to know what kind of situation had presented itself here. Nice hook!

I really like what you had here. It's a very poignant tale. I think all of us have either been bullied, did the bullying, or witnessed it as a child. Those years are so difficult. You know the difference between right and wrong, yet ache to fit in despite any differences. You cover that with heartbreaking efficiency in this story.

I felt tears well up reading about poor John and they way he was treated on the bus. I hoped under my breath that you wouldn't...but you did...and I think we all know why. That guilt obviously still lingers. I think you have all the emotional aspects down pat in this story and the pacing and flow all work well together. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
You said you wanted to expand a bit and asked what and where we would fill in as readers. I found myself wanting to know a little more about John. How did this start for him? What exactly was the routine? I think a little more filler and back histroy would add a lot. Had you seen the kids turn on others who tried to help him before? Do you know anything about what his life was like in school or was the teasing confined to the bus?

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The message of this story is a powerful one stated in a clear voice. Our actions always stick with us. Sometimes, our inaction haunts us even more. If it is hard to live with something we did or didn't do today, there are no guarantees tomorrow will be any easier.

*Note*Please remember that all suggestions and thoughts are my sole opinion as a reader. Feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and the work of art you have created. *Smile*

In Closing: Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance here. You have a really well-written piece that packs a strong emotional punch. Thank you for sharing this poignant story and for passing on some of life's vaulable lessons.

Best wishes and happy writing! *Heart*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
99
99
Review of I am Death  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there I Wolf, and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile*

I really like the style that this was written in. It presents like a sinister strand of thoughts, pulling the audience along for the ride. You have some really good imagery and strong word choices here, and what you have is really well-written. As a reader though, I felt myself wanting to know more. Who was this person and what did they look like to Death? You describe IT well, but since the piece is written from Death's point of view, it would have been nice to see its most recent claim through Death's perspective.

I also noticed two small areas you may want to take a look at:

~You realize to late
~~~> too late too is used in reference to an excess or abundance

~words of comfort, you in fact do not deserve such acts.
when you join two complete sentences with a comma, it becomes a comma splice. Here, you should either use a semi colon or end it with a regular period. comfort. You, in fact, do not

As I said, this is really good and very well-written. It certainly held my interest. I just think it could use a little more filler and explaination. I think if you did that, you would add a lot more impact and have a perfect story here!

Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
100
100
Review of Old Glory  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an incredibly moving story about a Marine struggling to overcome the loss and horror he has experienced durring war. The flashbacks were so vivid and gave a first row seat to the nightmares he expereinced over seas. The fear, the companionship, and those last moments of desperation as he watched one of his own slip away, combined with the heat and the grit made this very realistic and gave me something strong to onnect to as a reader. I loved this character for what he did, and I felt for him.

The scene at the end where he was looking at Richison's mother, thinking about all that could have been but wasn't was a very poignant stream of emotion. It made me realize how much of an ongoing struggle the sacrifices these men and women make turly is. The old man at the end both made my heart ache in his attempt to stand, and made me amile in his curt, but encourage boost of morale.

Your writing is always full of emotion and a joy to read. I didn't notice any errors or have any suggestions. This was a truly well-written piece about pride and patriotisim and it contained all the depth and lush descriptions I've come to expect from you. Good luck in the contest and best wishes! *Heart*
~Adriana
441 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 18 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pradaprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4