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1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm pretty speechless here, Mark. This is a bitter poem full of accusation and undertones of hatred. I feel torn between your words, wanting to agree with them on some levels and wanting to protest others. I really don't feel any specific group is to blame for our state of affairs. Economic dperession is a cycle, a rise and tide documented through the years. We are unfortunate enough to live through one of those times. Every generation has it's own flaws, its own mistakes and shames, as well as triumphs. Someday, today's kids will look back on this era with criticisims and accolades of their own. Hindsight is always 20/20 and all anyone can really do is hope to improve the future.

That said, your writing is powerful and passionate. It does evoke emotion in the reader and forces them to think. It has a very somber tone, and will leave an impact when read. *Thumbsup*

Good work!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow...I really don't know what to say. I'm not one to review poetry, but felt compelled to leave some message conveying my awe. This piece was absolutely without fault or flaw. It sweepd the reader along on a torrent of emotion, from reverance, to fear, to lust, to the sensation of broken defeat. It's incredible!

These words feel so familiar, as if uttered from my own heart. What a spellbinding masterpiece you've woven and an incredible piece of prose. Excellent work!
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Review of The Promise  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there Shannon ! After being kind enough to give me a mini-raid, I asked what you would like read. You suggested this story might be of some interest. You were more than correct!

What I found here was a gripping tale that moved at a pace so fast, I found it hard to catch my breath. A growing sense of dread blossomed in my chest as I read these words. I felt gooseflesh errupt and even a soft groan, knowing what the father did not. His elated joy as he told his family they were being relocated out of the ghetto brought tears to my eyes. If only he had known...or perhaps, he suspected and this was his way of preserving his family's happiness for one more day.

The characters: You strike from a unique stand point here. Told in limited 1st person POV, through the eyes of a fifteen year old girl, it almost carries a similar tone to Anne Frank's chilling diary. Almost, but for the fact that unlike Anne, Liliane and her family still cling to that fragile silver thread of hope. They seem unaware of the gravity surrounding their situation, as unfortunately so many were.

It's heartbreaking to hear this young girl's dreams and aspirations as the train is churning down the tracks. There is such a vivid contrast between the images in her head and the one of the black smoke barreling out of that locomotive.

She's easy to relate to and sympathize with, and because of that, I cared what happened to her.

Setting/Plot: You painted vivid pictures with your words. I especially liked the ones of the wind whipping brown leaves and her hair around at the station. We have a clear idea of where she is and what things look like at all times.

The plot carries us on rapid wings through one family's fall from a position of wealth, to the drab misery of the ghetto, and right through the gates of Treblinka. It grabs the reader's attention and evokes many emotions along the way.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* *Worry* It is so difficult to chose one thing. Aside from your magnificant wording, it would have to be the moment the train doors came open and the chilling words at the end. The tone of this story is...indescribable. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* I wish I had one...something...but I don't. I saw no errors and thought this was perfect as it was!

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: You have a prolific pen and your style is incredible. I really enjoy reading your work and plan on rummaging through your port some more. *grins* For now, I have to skitter on over to the gift shop and select a shiny ribbon for this excelent piece! *Bigsmile* Thanks for pointing me this way!

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Review of The Interview  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fyn,

I don't even know where to begin. I felt chilled reading this and by then end, my entire body erupted in goosebumps. It's heartbreaking to realize no one, not even the woman giving the report, got the gist of what was being said.

No one.

They say if we don't remember the past and learn from the mistakes we've made, we are doomed to repeat them. I can only pray for the sake of all generations that this never becomes the case. To think of such suffering and loss again on a scale that greand is too much to bear.

This was very well written. The shift between the report and your observations highlighted the gravity of the situation. People, doodling, texting, or daydreaming, completely unaware of the story being told. I also think the very simple, child-like telling of Bertha's story added a strong element. In her youthful innocence, even she failed to realize what was happening. Or perhaps, she had and used this as a coping mechanism.

I beg others to read this story. To hear the words spoken here so that we never forget the many victims hate has perpetuated over the milleniums. Many have died, many have suffered. Only by learning can we grow...and only in doing this will we have the hope that future generations will not have a pain-ridden stain to mark their path.

Thank you so much for pointing this out to me. I will be back soon to explore the other offerings in your port. your words are so passionate and powerful, I look forward to reading more.

Best wishes.
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Review of Fyndorian's Desk  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh wow! What an inviting image. I just had to stop by and comment on my way to read The Interview. Green with envy, I stare at your desk and feel the pull of your words. This is by far one of the most inviting ports I have seen. If the image alone does not inspire, the passionate force behind your words certainly will. With your pen, you have captured the soul of every writer and stated in in such an eloquent way.

Beautiful job. The muted colors and the whispery welcome are a perfect match! I can't wait to dig in and see what other treasures await me.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Judy,

This is a gripping tale. Nothing hits quite as hard as a true personal account, or the raw emotions we feel when dealing with our parents. It's difficult to think about them being ill or weakened in anyway, let alone gone. Yet it's the inevitable truth we all face.

I can't imagine the panic you felt upon first hearing those words. To be so far away and know that your father was left alone in his state only added to that intensity. Your love and concern for them show through with every word and also offer a peek at the person writing these words. I admire your devotion and wish more people felt the same respect for the people who devoted their entire lives to them.

I've never had to deal with social workers, just hospitals, but I get a dreadful sense of where this story is going. Also, having worked in nursing homes for several years...I cringe. The manner in which most of these people are cared for is heartbreaking. *Sad* That must have been a tremendously difficult decision for you to make.

Your style is very clean cut and consice. The pacing is fast and the subject compelling. I feel this is a must read for anyone with elderly loved ones. I will be reading on when time permits, so that I may hear your story and perhaps avoid a similar mistake. Please keep your gift points, as I feel the lesson here is more valuable and it's been my pleasure to read! *Smile*

I only noticed one little slip:
any information about how to contact her children...my sister Marlene and me." Sadly
No need for the quotation marks that I can see.

Thank you for sharing and best wishes!
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Review of Little Jamey  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Review 2 of 3, per your winning bid!

Do you have any idea how hard it is selecting something from your port? I could spend all day there reading and reviewing if I had the time!

I should have saved this one for last, because now I'm a mess. This story was so powerful and emotionally written...it takes every parent's worst nightmare and brings it to the forefront in a very realistic way. My delicate mother's heart, broke, wept, and then paused with the hope of mending as I read this riveting tale!

You cover the full range of human emotion and the struggles we face when trying to cope with loss. To feel that you are partly to blame must amplify that anguish a millionfold. I know we all wonder what could have been..what could have prevented any situation that causes us pain. you write this so well and embodied within your words.

Characters, plot, and setting: The setting struck me first. I got the impression of the kitchen table in those lone hours of solitude we seek before the rest of the world wakes. Then, we sense the conflict. Donna does not want to be alone. She mourns for a husband and a son that were both ripped away from her all too soon. It's an emotional hook that sinks deep into the reader.

I really like how you take us through the background of her relationship with her husband, even delving into her thoughts surrounding his death. While controversial, they are uniquely hers and i can imagine many survivors could hold the same hostility. It can only go one of two ways...anger, or pride. Raw pain tends to lean toward the way Donna feels.

We get a great sense of this character. Who she was and what she's become, and why. These are all so important in character development and you take the reader full the whole journey.

Technical/Grammatical errors: None noticed.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* As hard as it was to "watch" knowing the outcome, I loved her dream. It was such a powerful moment when she realized she was not at fault and had that brief reunion with her son. You had me bawling like a baby here.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
I only saw one thing that made my brow furrow. *Thumbsup*

*Bullet* like satin sheets blowing in the breeze on a clothesline on a warm spring day.
I love the imagery this paints, but I feel its a bit much. Perhaps trim it just a wee bit?
like satin sheets blowing in the breeze on a warm spring day.

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: EXCELLENT story, Jace. your skills as a writer are...well..intimidating! *Laugh* I want to resent being made to cry, but this only speaks to your ability to draw the reader in and place them in your character's shoes. I would recommend this gripping tale of love, loss, and redemption to anyone looking for a great read. Thank you so much for sharing!

Best wishes!


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Review of Dear Me - 2009  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review #1 of 3, per your winning bid

Oh, Jace! I couldn't help but smile as I read through this amazing letter. First off, I would like to commend you on the originality you bring to the table. This is unlike anything I've read before in this contest. Written almost in story form, it delivers honesty in raw, brutal doses!

It wasn't clear what it is you planned to murder. *Laugh* Knowing you and drawing from the context of the letter and the goals stated, one reaches the safe conclusion that it is the many demons writers carry with them. The negativity, insecurity, and fear that drags them down or dampens their potential. This is no easy feat, but it is a goal every writer should have.

It made me smile, and so happy to see you recognize and acknowledge your talent and worth as a writer. I know many others, myself included, have seen the same and couldn't agree more! To hear you proclaim that you are going to utlize this, not only to help yourself succeed, but to help others is like a melodic symphony! I can only imagine all the good you will do! This is a community centered on that very concept!

A few lines really struck me as poignant. I especially liked the argument that we are not a proactive species, how we only respond to stimuli. This is a sad truth for many. It is a choice{//b} and a conscious effort to become an active member of society. As writers, it is easy to slip into that safe cocoon of isolation. But to experience life and both the joys and struggles it brings, we have to live it. That means getting out there and experiencing it first hand! While it may be hard work pen a review that offers more than a "great job, I like this" and a few suggestions, or host a contest, or lead a group, the joy and rewards you feel inside are well worth every minute!

This is a wonderful letter. You met every demand sited in the rules and found hooks that sink deep into the reader. I saw no technical things to nit about. The ONLY suggestion I have is this. I'm not sure how technical the judges will be, as I've never been brave enough to share personal tidbits *Laugh* but you might want to consider changing "ohmigod" to "Oh my God."

There you have it. Sorry it doesn't contain much advice, but this was a fantasic letter that anyone could benefit from reading!

Best wishes and good luck!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Legerdemain ! I just finished reading your story and wanted to share my thoughts.

Initial Impressions: This is very cute. It reads like a wonderful story for children, yet easily hold's the attention of an adult. I also like that it teaches, and the lesson itself seems geared toward the older audience. It is so easy to fuss and worry about our kids, to stress about the dirt and the things we don't understand. Your words gently remind us to look for the beauty and to realize our assumptions are not always the right ones.

You use great imagery, breathing life into these animals, right down to the twitch of their tails. I could see it all clearly, including the eafy folds of their home.

The characters are portrayed well, showing a typical family. Worrisome parents and the carefree spirited heart of a child.

Your plot moves quickly and full circle. The mother's reaction to her son's gift made my heart ahe at first, but you ended this story on a perfect note!

Nice work!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Joy ! I just finished reading your article and wanted to share my thoughts.

Initial Impressions: I love to learn new things. Even though I thought I knew a lot about the roots of this holiday, your article delved deeper and I found myself coming out of it with more knowledge than before! You wove in so many interesting facts, such as the woman who pushed for Thanksgiving to become a national holiday, and that pilgrims weren't known as such until a book was written about them.

I even remembered things I had forgotten with time, like the prsidential turkey pardon. *Laugh* Do they still do this? I haven't heard anything about that in years! I do remember one being coined "Tom" which gave birth to my family's warped tradition of a Tom the Turkey, turkey game. (Each person draws a feather with a Thansgiving related activty to do such as gobbling for two minutes or making up a poem of thanks, and little door prizes are given out. It's rather embarrassing but good bonding!)

Your words carried with them a sense of warmth and reverance. It made me look forward to this year's celebrations. *Heart* Very well written and I see no suggestions for improvement.

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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a cool children's story! Full of gnomes, magic, and neat little details, this is sure to catch a child's eye and parents will have fun reading it was well!

The plot reveals the ancient magic of the gnomes and includes a father and son journey, as they travel together to find out why the barrier between the worlds is fading. The contrast between human child and gnome child makes for an interesting read as well!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*

*Bullet* The young girl squealed as she pushed a chubby finger toward a small door in the trunk of the tree she was kneeling in front of.
Try to avoid ending sentences with prepositions. Words like of, to, etc. There is also a lot going on here. Maybe consider breaking things down so the reader is not overwhelmed by a wealth of information and action in one sentence. An example might be:
The child knelt and squealed. With a chubby finger, she pointed at the door nestled in the tree trunk.

*Bullet* The girl's mother replied tiredly as she watched her two eldest sons taking a Frisbee from a strange dog and throwing it for him.
I think you could take this sentence off. The don't play any part in the story and this feels like an unnecessary distraction.

*Bullet* Turning back to look at the small door she frowned as she noticed it was gone.
door, she

*Bullet* Standing only a few feet away watching with interest stood a young gnome named Flik.
Rather than make you reader rearrange the sentence in their head, give them the pertinant information first. Maybe try:
A young gnome named Flik watched with interest a few feet away.

*Bullet* A glance at the small table in the corner showed him a freshly baked loaf of bread was also to be had for dinner tonight.
A little garbled. Maybe consider simplifying this a bit? Also, since this is a children's story, you may want to keep in mind that kids are very visual.
The smell of freshly baked bread teased his nose and Flik eyed the golden loaf on the table.

*Bullet* The room was empty of furniture other than two large desks with chairs in the center that appeared to have been carved out of the same tree roots of the stairs.
Another place that might overwhelm kids. Maybe trim it down some?
Two desks and chairs made of tree roots sat in the center of the room. ((I think kids will really like the visual of furniture made of tree roots! That is an excellent touch to your story!))

*Bullet* They were both stacked with books, sparkling stones, miscellaneous metal objects, small glass bottles filled with different colored liquids, pens, quills, bottles of ink, including one that looked to be liquid gold and glowed faintly, as well as several stacks of parchment paper, both written on and blank.
You might want to break this down into smaller sentences.

*Bullet* Flik took the stairs two at a time back up to the main floor of the house, his heart was pounding from all his father just told him.
Comma splice. Two complete sentences can't be joined with a comma. They either need to be separate or joined with a semi-colon. ;

*Bullet* His father did not look at him when he spoke his eyes were scanning the many twists and turns that branched off from the path they were on.
another comma splice. "When" starts a new sentence.

*Bullet* his father stopped in front of a door carved in ancient gnomish symbols.
What do they look like? I'm sure kids will want to know. *Smile*

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star*
I loved the description of the room after the transformation. This was astounding! It stole my break and made me want to find a nook or craanny of my own to curl up in. I think many a child's eye will spark with delight when they get to this passage!

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: I thought this was a wonderful children's story and a great fantasy tale! Full of cool descriptions and magic, this fills the reader with a sense of awe. It brings to mind that state of wonderment felt so often as a kid where every little thing held the greatest possibilities.

I hope you don't mind the suggestions. Feel free to let me know ifyou do any finishing touches, as I would be glad to come back and give this a second look. Good luck in the contest! Best wishes and keep those words flowing!


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Review of Join RAOK!  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Yet another worthwhile cause on WDC. I remember well the first anonymous upgrade I received on this site. It encouraged me to make the best of the gift I was given. I cannot think of a better way to encourage writers to continue seeking their goals and achievements or to help those struggling with funds to keep what they have worked so hard for.

The guidelines for joining this generous group are simple and few, they layout clean and concise. I urge all memebers to take a look and see what you can do to help this community grow and stay active.
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Review of The Wager.  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Wager is an engrossing holiday tale about struggle and triumph. It strikes a poignant cord in the reader as the story covers difficult topics like the homeless plight and rough economic times. If ever there is a time money becomes a painful issue, it is around the holidays when we want to give so much to the ones we love. This downtrodden commuter reaches deep into his pocket and his heart and the result is something sure to put a smile on your audience's face.

Characters, plot, and setting:
The setting works so well for this story. Readers will relate to the rough economy and the urban surroundings drive that point home even more. You throw in enough details to provide a a good mental image.

The characters...my heart went out to this struggling man. At times, his thoughts were heartbreaking, such as wanting to hide the foreclosure notice so as to not ruin his wife's Christmas, and the ache in his heart when he could not afford to buy her the necklace he wanted. The homeless "couple" will be a pleasant surprise to anyone who reads this. They really drive the plot home and serve as a catalyst.

The plot...EXCELLENT! I don't want to ruin it for anyone who reads this review, but it is packed full of powerful meaning and is a very thought evoking piece certain to touch even the coldest heart.

Technical/Grammatical errors:

dinner
If you meant the meal, this is correct. If referring to the place where people go to eat their meals or drink their coffee, I believe you meant diner.

ice sickles
icicles

Your luck can not last
cannot

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star*
I loved the wager itself, but your last line struck a powerful chord in my heart. Excellent way to wrap things up!


*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: Very moving story. I loved the powerful message it conveys and the renewed sense of hope it left me with as a reader. Great work! Keep letting those words flow. *Smile*


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Review of 100 Hours to Hate  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Initial impressions: Whew! This intense story started out with a bang and just kept rolling. I could barely catch my breath throughout the course of this exhilerating ride.

You tackle some tough subject matter in this story and don't sugar coat the horror. That is not always so easy to do in today's world where everyone is screaming for political correctness and not to be offensive, even in our creative endeavors. I'm glad you took the "low" road and decided to amuse the rest of us who still admit to having courser tastes!

The characters: Sophia is a young woman caught in some extrenuating circumstances. She's easy to empathize with, without her being melodramatic about things. I like some of the survival tactics you emplore in this story. Using tongue twisters to keep her mind off the food and the dismal surroundings lent her depth and implies intelligence.

Her parents were an interesting catalyst. Looking back, once can see the brief moment of interaction between her mother and father in the kitchen as an excellent use of foreshadowing.

Geege and Shimmy were the stars of this horror show. Shimmy with his teetering laughter and quirky mannerisms added a morbid sense of humor to this story and whenever Geege was around, my tension level soared. He inspires both fear and strong feelings of revulsion. I feel like I need a good scrubbing in the shower just for reading his descriptions!

Setting/Plot: The setting and plot work, but leave a lot of questions. The dungeon like setting enhances the creep factor and works well for this story.

The plot covers intruiging aspects like preordained destiny and acts of deep betrayl.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea*
I get the impression that Sophia is in some sort of basement or dungeon. Where does this come from? Is it some convenient location stumbled upon over the years? Part of the household?

I also wonder why Shimmy and Geege are so malformed and grotesque when Sophia is apparently normal?


Technical/Grammatical Errors: Her stomach rumbled at the thought of rood
food

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* Excellent story. I think with a few more explainations and details, you will fill in some holes and have a perfect piece of work. The suspense is gripping and your cast makes for a compelling read. Thanks for sharing your work. Best wishes and write on!


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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial impressions: A powerful story of racism mingled with elements of terror. The suspense in this story kept my interest and made me taut with apprehension. The title is sure to raise a few curious eyebrows as well.

The characters: I want to explore the sherrif first. It is sad to think there are still people this narrow minded and ignorant in the world, but there are. He serves as an excellent catalyst in this story, adding perhaps more tension and fear than the unknown that Jesse is fleeing from. As a reader, I feared what he would do or say next, knowing how tragic the consequences of racist acts can play out upon their targets.

Jesse. My heart went out to this man. His apprehension about being pulled over was kicked into overdrive when the harassment started. You revel the true depth of his plight slowly, baiting the reader along and pulling them into his struggle to maintain composure.

Setting/Plot: I've only been to Texas once, but it seems to be the central hub for stories involving racist cops. *Laugh* Maybe there is something I don't know. It does seem to fit though. I thought the vacant, rural setting worked well to create an atmosphere of isolation.

The plot worked. The sherrif poses a major obstacle for Jesse and kicks his fear into overdrive. Not only is he apprehensive about what this redneck might do, but his fear about these unknown things spikes as well. This also points out some lingering issues in society and gives the reader food for thought. As Jesse's thoughts reiterate, if the sherrif had been doing his job instead of needlessly badgering Jesse...things might have had a different outcome.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* I really think this story could benefit from one thing. You build up some wonderful tension and mystery surrounging who and what "they" are. As a reader, I felt dissappointed when they finally made their grand entrance. Disappointed and confused. Besides having wings and putrid breath...what did these creatures look like? What were they? What mannerisms did they have? Addding a few more details here would really add some terror and gratify your reader's hunger for horror.

Technical/Grammatical Errors: None noticed!

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* I really enjoyed this story. It conveys such a powerful message in a subttle manner. It was well written with a good mixture of setting, characterization, and plot. Thanks for sharing your work and giving me something good to read this lazy afternoon!


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Review of On the Chance  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Mara,

This story is so beautiful and powerfully written. Here, you have stepped outside your normal genre and comfort zone and woven something incredible!! Carlie's yearning and love for this man rivals that of young Juliet pining for her Romeo. The setting and time frame complimant this powerful story of forbidden love and how one woman is willing to wait it all out in hopes of seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. A BEAUTIFUL holiday piece. Your end, with father Patrick reflecting on hos own past and how he ended up in the monistary was espeically poignant and sure to wrest a tear or two from your reader!

I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

Simply amazing story and a MUST read!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very powerful and emotionally moving poem. It has a nice flow and rhyme scheme, but what really makes this piece shine is the sheer force behind your words. I could feel the heartbreak, the longing, the bittersweet pain of having loved and lost. Beautiful poem, Sherri! *Heart*
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Review of Home and Garden  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very powerful and poignant look at how health, or lack there of can impact someone's life. I know well how Michael feels and found him a very easy character to relate to. You added many different dimensions to this man. His outer actions belie the harsh inner turmiol festering within him.

Your plot unraveled with a hint of mystery. It pulled me along, keeping my attention as I wanted to know why this man felt so hostile...what was wrong, and what would happen to him in the end. Nice execution!

The title works well with this piece, giving it a feel of coming full circle in the end and gives the relationship between Michael and his wife a more profound impact. good tension. I didn't notice it until the end when I let out the breath I had been holding!

Well written with no noticed mistakes or flaws, I was able to sit back and enjoy my reading experience as a whole without any distractions. Excellent work!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Greetings again, kk1739 !

I liked the first installment so much, I had to come back for seconds. *Bigsmile* What happens in this chapter is a startling turn of events that will leave many a stunned reader sitting slack-jawed at the end! I'm a huge fan of stories with a twist.

Characters, plot, and setting:Meg comes across as very humble, but she does have moments of humor. I know, as a woman, I could relate to her giddy reaction to the handsome stranger in the elevator. *smiles* I remember many a time like that myself in the past. It is the small things like this that add up to build a solid character foundation. The more we learn of a character's thoughts, feelings, and mannerisims, the more we grow attached to them. *Smile*

The plot takes a wicked turn at the end. This is sure to keep reader's attentive and interested in this story. Who is this John, who has all the women swooning and why would he drug Meg? Posing questions like this is an excellent technique to bait your audience along.

Setting. You gave a little more in this chapter than the previous one. I still didn't feel I had a good grasp on the party or her cousin's apartment. Infusing just a few more detials here and there would help.

Technical/Grammatical errors: I didn't notice anything here. You may want to take a look at the repeated use of the word drink/drinks in the last section. It becomes a little redundant. In some places it could be ommitted or replaced with cocktail, martini, etc...

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I laughed out loud when Meg said she couldn't say antyhing about tackiness when she still sore a fanny pack from time to time. *Laugh*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*

The first issue I'd like to discuss is dialouge tags. Most of the time, they are unnecessary attachments that bog the pace down. For instance, when Meg steps away with John for a drink, it isn't necessary to say I blurted or he said after every spoken line. Trust the reader's ability to follow.

If you are unsure this is possible, consider instead including actions that will show Meg's emotions. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear or smoothing her palms over her thighs after she speaks will not only denote who is speaking, but show the reader she is nervous without stating it.

Secondly, I'd like to point out some adverbs. While these aren't necesarily a cardinal sin in writing, they are often shortcuts. Meaning we could replace that one weak word with a much stronger visual. Sure this means more work, but the end results pay off big time in the eyes of a reader.

For example: she casually walked
What made it casual?
Something you pictured made you describe it as such. Help the reader see that instead. Was it the slow stride in her steps, the way she held her head, the gentle sway in her hips? I think adding these details, rather than chopping them out would add a lot!

Last but not least...the ending. Sure it has impact to say she had been drugged. But this, is telling. Today's reader wants to be shown. They want to experience the story through the character. Rather than sayig she was drugged, why not describe the effects first? Did she feel nauseas? Did voices sound distant and muffled? Did her vision turn blurry or the room spin? This is a great place to add some more tension and really pack a punch when it comes to impact.


*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: You have a great foundation here. I think with just a smidge more polishing, this will be outstanding. If you would like me to come back and take a second look if you decide to make any changes, I would be glad to do so and change the rating. Overall, this continues to be a great read and I am dying to know why John would do such a terrible thing to poor, sweet Meg!


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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, kk1739 !

I absolutely love the title to this story. I saw it listed in the sidebar for reviewer items and had to see what this was about!

Characters, plot, and setting: The characters pose an interesting conflict development in this story. We learn that Meg used to be very close to her cousin. Growing up in the midwest does impose a strong sense of familial values in a person, and she seems to be no exception. I've heard weath and power can go to a person's head, changing them. This is what seems to happen when her cousin moves to NY and becomes a sucessful businessman. I felt sorry for her, knowing well the frustration and hurt that comes with a rifted childhood relationship. Something similar happened between my cousin and I when I became pregnant for the first time. The sisterly bond all but evaporated and I felt abandoned in a time I needed her the most. Because of this, I could relate easily to Meg and felt her a believeable asset to the story.

This chapter's plot ties in with most of what I discussed in the character development. I get the feeling this distance is only the beginning and that much worse is to come. Your title eludes to some factors that will not only cause an uncomfortable feeling but outright despise.

Setting...this is maybe the weakest area of this chapter. You spent a lot of time narrating and explaining the history between these two...which is vital. However, I didn't feel a sense of being "in the story." Perhaps playing a little more with the five senses and showing us what your character sees around them, feels, smells, etc would help strengthen this.

Technical/Grammatical errors:His confidence and intelligence amazed me; He had a sort of presence
; he No need to cap a word after a semicolon. *Smile*

As I was hugging him, his body grew as tense as the suit he was wearing.
How can a suit be tense? Perhaps saying as stiff as the starched suit...or as rigid and uninviting as his clothing denoted...something along those lines?

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I love how you delve into this character's mindset. Her reflections on the kid with grass-stained knees was a poignant moment. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* I would consider including his name at some point so you can include some variety. Cousin and he can feel a little redundant after so many times. Maybe it was left out to add intruige or mystery, but this is one aspect I feel did not work for me as a reader.

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: I think you have a great start going here and I definitely look forward to seeing where this story leads! I see all the makings of a great story full of tension and conflict. *bigmsile*


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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
*giggles* Your humor shines through in this piece, as does your winding, but insightful thought process. I think this is a piece many of us can relate to on personal levels. Time does start racing by quicker with every year that passes and I, for one, am terrible at keeping any New Year's resolutions. Even if i think they are things I will really enjoy. *Laugh*

My favorite part was where you talked about different views of reincarnation and the thought of being sent back. I've often thought the same thing...or let myself wonder what I could have done in a past life to deserve some of the things that have happened in this one. The jury is still out on that!

I saw no errors or areas needing improvement. After reading your poem about the forgotten solider yesterday and this witty bit today, it is quite clear you are a talented author with skill in diverse areas. Thank you for the laughter and for sharing this!

Best wishes,
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial impressions: Very insightful article about what it is like to live with OBS. Not only do you give examples about what a typical day is like, but you give possible causes liked with this syndrome and ways to help aleviate it. I found things like caffine and soda pop interesting contributors. As a coffee and diet coke fiend, I found myself worried!

While I don't have OBS, I did find the information here interesting. I have what my friends and family coin a "hampster bladder." *Laugh* I don't suffer dire needs to go, (unless I am in public and my anxiety level skyrockets) but it is like a 3 second act! *blushes* Probably too much info, but I wanted you to know I could relate on some level.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* There were quite a few typos that detracted from your work. I will try to point out the ones I noticed to help you achieve a more polished feel.

Technical/Grammatical Errors:

Do a auick clean of the livignn room
quick...living

Finish the rest of housecleaning chores with a bathroom brek
break

getting quite old.I laugh qnyway.
old. I....anyway

hurry home.
Hurry

The victim has an urgent need to urinate that can not put off.
This reads like it is missing a word. That they cannot put off--or that cannot be put off, maybe?

OAB is not always bleak and depressing.Having OAB gives
depressing. Having

leakage.The muscels contract inqppropriately, whdn the bladdr is not full.
leakage. The muscles...inappropriately, when...bladder

I'm limiting myself to two cans o fPepsi
of Pepsi

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* Excellent article full of great information! Welcome to WDC, Ree1 ! I hope that you have a wonderful and rewarding experience here. *Bigsmile* If you ever have any questions or need help, please feel free to e-mail me.

Please let me know if/when you fix those typos, so I can come back and give this a higher rate! Best wishes and write on!


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"The WDC Angel Army" 
"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" 
and host of "A MidSummer Night's Scream"  horror extravaganza!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Interesting! You really should move the first question to the end of the quiz though. *Wink* I hope that you get lots of results rushing in and that they help aid you in your writer's block. Having gone through it myself for the past month, I know your pain! You definitely had some interesting plot choices to select from, so much so, it was hard to choose! With all those excellent ideas, surely you can come up with something!

Best wishes,
Adriana
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Review of Christmas Songs  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Laugh* I scored 9 out of 15 on this quiz. Does that make me a Grinch? *looks ashamed*

I really had a blast doing this-- even if I did have to sing just about everyone of these out loud to remember the words! You have such a great variety of songs here. I suggest this quiz to anyone looking for a fun way to pass some time and relive those magical holiday moments we felt as kids. Excellent job!
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Review of Fiery Red Hair  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo Daisy

A beautiful story carried on haunting wings and bittersweet whispers. this story takes us through a woman's final moments of life, showing the stark contrast between what she sees and experiences, compared to those around her.

Irish myself, I loved the images of this wild, passionate Celtic woman racing through the meadows at different stages in her life. It shows the full circle, from young maid to wise crone. You do a stunning job painting the pictures and setting the stage

I wonder, if these were fantasies of hers or perhaps memories of another lifetime she spent upon this Earth? No matter what the intent, this is a lovely story that embodies what it means to live and to die. So many people in my family have passed with a smile on thier face, that I know something wonderful awaits us in those final moments.

Thank you for sharing! *Star*

With Love,
Your Secret Santa
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