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Review of Original Sin  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Let me compliment you on the your language which is smooth as silk. It must have taken enormous effort and that shows through. The story hooks you right away, and I read it at at a furious pace, hurrying to reach the end. Somehow you hit upon every male fantasy - a week at some exotic beach resort with all expenses paid. To add to it, there is the hint of romance because you tease the reader with images of a seductive wealthy patroness.

The end is a bit abrupt, but that is nitpicking. I enjoyed the story. It was after a long time that I read anything here (life gets in the way, you know!) and it was worth every second of my time.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story definitely hooked me in right from the first word. Your lucid writing style added to the pleasure of the read. You do use a lot of passive verbs, but I have always maintained that if the plot is right and the grammar correct, it doesn't really matter. You do get a lot of advice on this site to avoid using "was," but I do not subscribe to that view.

Your story contains enough suspense and horror elements and should go down well with lovers of these genres. If you do not have the constraints of words, you should dwell a bit more on the panic elements and how the protagonist is chilled to the bone. Some elementary references to why the grandmother's spirits chose to visit him would help matters. You do not have to offer lengthy explanations. Simply drop a couple of hints and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.

You deserve credit for the chilling portrayal of the spirit. How the main lead realizes that it is his grandmother - the silhouette, the bending of the hand at the back and the blackness in the backdrop of the dark- certainly deserves kudos.

Unfortunately, your story falters at a crucial point. The absence of any logical explanation. Writers of the horror genre often do that. They create a gory outcome and leave the reader shortchanged with the lack of purpose. Add that, and your story would rise a few notches.

On interesting aspect is that the reader doesn't know the sex of the protagonist. I have used the masculine gender in general terms only. If you make her a female, the story would work even better. Maybe that's my personal fetish, but I always enjoy horror stories with female leads.

I would rate your story a 3.5 or 4. On the forum, I rate all stories 5 so that the writer could attract some more readers.

All the best with your writing.

3
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Review of Best Of Enemies  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: GC | (4.5)
No need to request anyone to be kind. You do a great job and create a hot and horny pair. The only issue is that you spend a lot of words on the buildup leaving little room for the actual act. You may want to change that. You can edit till the deadline ends.
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Review of Color Me Green  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: XGC | (5.0)
Absolutely brilliant. This is a difficult prompt, but you have pulled it off with aplomb. The setting is captured well. The characters are described in vivid words. The buildup to the sex scene flows smoothly. The act itself is an enjoyable read.

I am not at all familiar with the story of Oz, so could not make out what happened to the man in the end when he turned green. Otherwise, everything else is perfect. I think you have a strong chance of winning this one.
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Review of New Home  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

*FlowerR* The title:

The title does suggest the contents, but may not necessarily hook the reader.

*LeafR* Brief description:

A woman moves into a new home and makes a startling discovery.

*Ornament2R* The characters:

Good job done on all the characters in the story. The best was the way you feed us details of Sophie's past life. The teacher's character is also well-developed. I could feel all her apprehensions. Even the cat assumed a characteristic of its own.


*GiftB* Kudos and Applause:

I enjoyed the detailed description of the house and the 'moving in' process. House shifting is a painful task, and you do well in bringing out the nuances and intricacies starting with the unpacked boxes.

You use good creativity in giving an unexpected twist to the story. Scenes from holocaust movies floated before my eyes as I read about Sophie and Otto.


*Paste* I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The previous owner of the house is not yet dead. She has moved to a nursing home. Unless, it is some major ailment, one would expect that the realtor would contact her first and not the niece to mention about the diary.

If I were in Shirley's place, I would probably try to get in touch with Sophie. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship.

*Cut*Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.


I had not noticed before but the curtains appeared to be homemade. I had not noticed before[,] but the curtains appeared to be homemade.

Finally I had my bedroom to set up. Finally[,] I had my bedroom to set up.

I did not want the top part, which was glass to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose. I did not want the top part, which was glass[,] to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose.

*BalloonR* Overall Impression:

A story of moving into a new house. The end is highly unexpected and moving.

*Pencil*Rating parameters


Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.5/5


Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

*RainbowL**Heart**Rainbowr*Never argue with a reader. She is always right.*RainbowL**Heart**Rainbowr*


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review of Shower Of Dreams  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: XGC | (4.0)

The sexual scene is elaborate and elegant, but the large number of characters make it difficult to understand who is doing what. This diminishes the pleasure of the read. You also need to give a few lines about the backdrop of the story.

It is also difficult to hold your readers' interest in an erotica story without any penetrative intercourse. I was also not prepared for an orgy involving an elf. I thought this a bit odd.

I do appreciative the small details that you effortlessly weave into the narrative.


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

This is a cute fairy tale that would appeal to all ages. It is simple to understand and easy to follow. I do not know whether it is necessary to create so many characters in the story. You have - Winnie,Christopher, Owl, Rabbit,Gopher, Tigger, Piglet, Eeorye, Kanga etc You should stick with or 3 characters only making it possible to understand a bit more about the characters.

I appreciated your clarification at the beginning on the spellings.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review of Mommy, I'm Home  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

You hook the reader from the word go. This was an enjoyable read with a lot of suspense which made me want to read this fast so I could quickly reach the outcome. You bring a sinister twist to the price Molly has to pay for her freedom.

The descriptions you use for Molly - cold and stinking - give this whole read a macabre feel.

Good job on the whole.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review of Renewed  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: XGC | (4.5)
This is an excellent read. The story is pregnant with beautiful emotions all through. The backdrop made me shudder, but the way Helena and Luke make up for the terrible catastrophe was heartening to say the least. The love scene was tastefully done. Your language is lucid and some of the sentences simply took my breath away. I would love to see more of your works in the Quickie.


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Review of Circles Of Love  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have always found it difficult to write or understand poetry, but am happy that I still haven't given up. That is why I chanced upon this lovely little piece of romantic exposition.
Thank you for making this so simple to understand and for taking the extra effort to make the lines rhyme. The emotions that you have packed into this short work are immense.
Forty-one years of togetherness! Nothing can be sweeter. I bow my head before your husband and you and wish you many more happy anniversaries to come.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Let me say that you kept me on the tenterhooks until the very hand. You could say that I literally read your piece in a single breath. Your ability to hook the reader is amazing.

The end proved to be an anti-climax, and I felt shortchanged. I don't know if there was some word constraint which forced you to end so abruptly. Yes, you make a passing mention to 'thermanuklaler,' but you need to ask yourself if that is sufficient.

In my mind, one of the characters could have been done away with to give you more room to expound the outcome. George in my mind is the most dispensable.

Of course, you're always the best judge of your story.

A gripping read on the whole.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

This is a very smooth read. The language is elegant; the sentence construction exemplary. That is about the technical aspects of the writing.

Now, coming to the contents, you manage to impact the reader's mind with conflicting emotions in a very short space of time. First there is despondency which gives to hope which again ends in a heartbreak. Sad indeed. I also liked your comment on the "I." It caught my attention.

My only issue with this story is not being able to know what causes the separation second time around.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

This is an amusing piece with erotic elements. The description of the alien character was fairly detailed and arousing though how she materialized in his bathroom remains a mystery. Yes, you do allude to it yourself but that doesn't absolve you form the responsibility of spelling out the details.

I would have loved you to use the tail in the sexual act in some way. That would have made the experience very different. Otherwise, Mita could have been very nuch a human being.

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Review of Tequila shot  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: GC | (4.5)

This is a hot tale. You've an absolute gem of a character inn Heather. She is desirable and passionate. I liked the risk that you took by making her taller than him.

You use some descriptive sentences eg." He shifted his weight from one knee to the other, lining himself up with her opening."

It's a good take on the prompt as well and the scene with the lime was enjoyable.

The only thing that didn't work for me was his drinking the tequila from the shot glass wedged in her cleavage. That's much too dramatic, but than every writer is entitled to his or her license.


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Review of The Perfect Night  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
The Kama Sutra Shower Review 1

The Perfect Night

The vagrant breeze stirred the curtained window. I could feel the reflected heat making the air warm in the fading glory of a sunset that splashed the sea with a rainbow of color. The whitewashed room, with the curtained bed, took on the hues of the evening. Two tumblers sat on the bedside table covered with small drops of water. Lying there, I watched as each runlet moved sensuously down the side, only to dry in silent testament to the heat of the day. (Good description here. A fine example of what I consider Detailing skills. There are some areas of confusion. You say curtained window. You need to clarify that the curtains are pulled to the side otherwise the next line where you bring the 'sea' wouldn't make sense. The tumblers also need to be clarified. Are the tumblers upturned or upright? Just the word upright would lead the reader to believe that the protagonists drank something from it. They would then start thinking what were they doing while drinking? Since, this is a tale in the erotic genre, small teasers like this would already set juices flowing. You could also mention stains of lipstick on one of the tumblers.)

This vacation has been a lifetime in the making. It seems unreal that just a few months ago, work filled my life. There had been others – some serious, some not – but there had never been you. Like the walls that I now stared at, my life had been plain until you pulled back the shrouding curtains of loneliness and showed me the rich colors of love and passion. A silent laugh echoes within that I still have these thoughts even after our time together. (There seems to be some sort of obsession with 'curtains.' You use it twice in the opening para and now here. I'd rather you say'shrouds of loneliness.')

Seeing you standing framed by the reflected glow of light, getting ready to change as we prepare for dinner, I marvel at the light sheen of perspiration that sparkles on your shoulders as you release the wrappings of the sarong and it sensuously slides to the floor... your panties slide over your hips accompanied by the soft "susssh" of the ocean in the background. I see you smile, enjoying the attention you've generated by your flirtatious show. With a slight wiggle, you head for the shower. (Good seduction, but the comparison of panties with the ocean was a wee bit too much.)

I hear the water begin to run and I can't get the image of you out of my mind. I feel the heat, not from the air but from within, rise as I recapture the vision of the softness of your body revealed in the multicolored light, the uplift of breast and peaks of your nipples darkly shadowed against the window light. I exhale a sigh, partly in longing, partly in satisfaction, recalling the joy of being here, now, together. I feel my ardor grow with each flash of memory... the soft feel of your lips, the taste of you, the welcoming heat of you as we yield to shared desire. (How can you recapture the vision of softness? It has to be the sense of 'touch' and not 'vision.' There has to be a comma in the first line after 'run.')

I slip off my clothes releasing my growing erection and enter the bathroom. You're in the shower with water cascading off your face and shoulders running in dark rivulets down your naked body. I pause to enjoy the moment and watch the water slide down your upturned face and follow a course down your neck and across the roundness of you shoulders, disappearing between the mounds of your breast and reappearing to fall across your stomach. The sparkling concourse slows as it navigates its way through the darker patch of hair, dancing with reflected colors, and then cascading down your legs to your feet. (Good detailing and food for the reader's imagination. Water however cannot form dark rivulets unless something is mixed in it.)

I enter and slide behind you, lightly kissing your shoulders and neck. You feel the hardness of my excitement pressed against the valley of your cheeks. I feel you press back against me and the warmth and softness seem to envelope me. I feel my involuntary reaction as my penis throbs in a pleasured response. I slide my arms around you, pulling you tight. The slipperiness of the water and soap allows you to turn and our mouths find one another... The taste of clean water mixes with the lingering taste of the drinks and I cannot help but seek to taste you, my tongue licking your lips before descending into the warm pleasure of your mouth. Our eyes are closed against the spray of the shower but vision isn't needed. (Good scene. Certain words are unnecessary. You could delete either 'hardness' or 'excitement' and the effect would be just as much if not more.)

I begin to descend, kiss by kiss, down your neck and find one aroused nipple with my mouth. You feel the warm breath then the pulling sensation as I take you into my mouth and begin to lightly suck, taking more and more of you with each insistent pull of my mouth. My tongue finds the now sensitive nipple and slowly twirls around the aureole as I pull back slightly and my teeth lightly close over the nipple, playfully biting and teasing. You feel the sensation not just in your breast but as a wave of pleasure moving lower and warming you, releasing a wave of passion between your legs and you pull my face tight against your breast as I move to the other breast. I can tell by the engorged nipple that your passion is now fully aroused. (POV shifts in this paragraph might not go down well with some of the picky readers. Avoid verbosity. In the last line, consider dropping either 'passion' or 'aroused.')

Wrapping my arms around you, I lift you and we laughingly stumble dripping into the bedroom and fall on the bed, still laughing but aching with the need to come together and find release in the warmth and feeling of each other. Now I begin my kisses again and slowly move across your stomach, stopping to playful tease your bellybutton as my tongue circles before moving in and out in a preview of passion... but only momentarily.

The heat in the room and the activity has made us warm again... I reach to the bed side table and take an ice cube from a glass and place it in my mouth. Returning, I move further down your body and, lightly separating the folds of skin that hide your warmth with the tip of my tongue, I hear the sharp intake of breath as the coldness both shocks and excites. My tongue finds the small mound of your clitoris and softly glides along each side while my hand slides under you and lifts you slightly. My finger slides slowly inside you as you feel the first waves of orgasmic pleasure begin to build...(Change of POV. Repetition of 'slides.')

First teasingly, lightly my iced tongue begins to stimulate you and my finger feels your muscles tightening as more waves of pleasure begin to run through you. Soon I increase the pressure and your body begins to arch toward me, your legs involuntarily spreading to allow me greater access and I lower my mouth to suckle on you, drawing your entire clitoris into the returning warmth and wetness of my mouth, sliding your pleasure center in and out in time to the rhythm of my fingers. I hear your breathing begin to become rapid as you feel the crest of passion... and I stop. I now moving my mouth down and I taste the sweet saltiness of you, running my tongue along the sides of the hot opening before sliding it deep within you. I feel your hands pushing my head against you trying to feel me penetrate deeper into the blistering need and wetness as your legs arch over my shoulders, pulling me tighter into your pleasure. (Try breaking the first sentence into two. It is too lengthy to retain attention.You should also not forget the commas - after 'stimulate you' in the first sentence, after 'soon' in the second sentence, after 'down' in the fourth sentence etc. Too many adverbs in the first sentence makes it choppy.)
Pleasure is best shared and I feel you slide your hands across my shoulders, pushing me away and rolling me over. Your hot mouth finds mine and then, pulling back as I gulp air, I feel your lips sliding down my chest as your hand grasps my erect penis and begins to slowly stroke it, stimulating me and causing my breathing to deepen. Your mouth covers the head and slides down the shaft and I feel your tongue begin to circle the head driving me to move with the rhythm of your mouth and the motion of your hands. The first drops of my arousal appear and the touch of your tongue licking them away is unbearable as my sensitivity increases. With a small groan, I push your head back but, with a laugh, you will not take pity on me and your mouth descends again to envelope me and I feel both pleasure and pain from the softness of your touch and my attempts to hold back. (Graphical stuff done in a clinical style with a touch of poetry.)

I pull you over on top of me and begin to again stimulate you with my tongue while you continue to suck and kiss and drive me to a crescendo of excitement. I can feel your hips beginning to move, pressing your sweetness harder into my mouth, pushing against my hand and the fingers that have slid up into you and now I begin to press inside you, exciting that hidden, elusive pleasure spot. With a moan of pleasure and relief, I lift my hips pushing my penis deep in your mouth and feel the flood of cum drain out and fill your mouth at the same moment you climax, the hot juices of your orgasm flooding over my face and chest... and we shakingly collapse onto the bed. (The '69' is not evident unless the reader is concentrating hard. You might want to do a bit of 'telling' here. Just 'tell' we moved to a 69 and then continue with your hot description.)

I slowly pull myself up, feeling the aftermath of our passion in the tiny quivers in your stomach and legs and the parallel trembling in my arms and our lips meet and our liquid passions mix in the warmth of a deep kiss. I pull you toward me so our bodies are touching at every point and we hold each other and kiss and breathe and feel each other's passion dim without dying until only the feelings of tenderness and caring and completeness are left as we lay in each other's arms in the growing darkness, lulled by the faint whisper of the evening breeze and the sounds of the ocean. (I'm happy that you bring in the 'tenderness' quotient here otherwise this would just have been pure physical gratification)

Dinner is forgotten ...for now.

Final thoughts - I'm not sure if this is a continuation of a longer work, but you ought to treat every story as an individual entity. Having said that, it is imperative that you tell us about the two individuals who star in your story. Who are they? What do they look like? How did they meet? What attracts them to each other etc etc This is missing in your story. That, and the absence of any plot whatsoever diminish the pleasure of this read. I admit that some doubts clear when one reads the prompt at the end, but readers may just give up half way through. You describe the foreplay well.



An entry in November Round 4 of "Sensual Moments, Vol. III" [18+]
Prompt: First, if you're married/ involved, write a piece showing how thankful you are for your spouse/ significant other. If you're single, write to/ about that mysterious person you've been waiting/ searching for. Remember this is an erotica contest but be sensual and loving. SHOW us your feelings. Make this one beautiful.
Word Count: 1513

Thank you for taking time to read my words. I would appreciate it if you took a moment and left a comment. Your reaction, impressions, criticisms, - yes, even encouragement or praise - are all equally welcome.

Ken















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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have written a useful article which gives many tips on the the commercial benefits that can be accrued from the internet while sitting at home. I have an issue with your title because it indicates a vast scope. For example, there are other ways to sit at home and earn - tuition classes or home delivery of cooked food etc. You should probably title your essay "Working from Home through the Internet."

You can also be make this article useful by giving ideas on how one could get trained for the various work options that you have mentioned.

On the whole, an useful and informative article.










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Review of The Touch of God  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I fully endorse your views. There is a lot of power in prayer. To the believer, prayer is a means to unburden one's soul and ask for deliverance from sin.

There is one error in your work if I may. In the firth para it should be "alloted" and not "allot."

On the whole an excellent feel good poem written with a lot of sincerity.











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Review of Blood  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a dark piece. Even though short, it evokes macabre thoughts. I wish you would have elaborated a bit. There are too many loose ends. First of all, who are the "they" in the second line.

Also, what is the relationship of the dead person with the person who sits on his( or her) blood?

Last two sentences are excellent. Ghastly and scary. Proves your talent.










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Review of Odyssey of Faith  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a small work pregnant with intense emotions. The romance and understanding between the couple came through like a breath of fresh air. The small suspense at the end about the condition was an intelligent twist which had me gripped right till the end. Thanks for this wonderful read.


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Review of she  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: | (4.0)
An interesting poem on how a young unwed teenager girl comes to terms with the reality of her own motherhood. The way the young mother explores the child's body, enjoys its touch and smells and sounds is both sweet and emotional. The mother has hardly grown into a woman and has to now face the burden of rearing a child on her own. It is quite evident that she has little support from family or friends or whoever is the child's father. That makes the poem heart rending.

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Review of The Sacred Order  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent buildup, good descriptions and teasing suspense. Certainly wants me to read more.

Now, for certain specific feedback:

There are a couple of spelling mistakes right in the first paragraph - remeber, waas

Good description of the house in the 5th paragraph. There is one more spelling mistake though - teh. (this gets repeated somewhere else as well)

Lovely showing in this sentence - She was still pulling her long blond hair out of its low collar

Last sentence read odd - How can anyone shimmer out of sight?


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Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Extremely well written and am happy that I chanced about this short item. The woman's feelings are well portrayed. I liked the way she builds up the whole thing - the way she seduces him - dressing up, turning the shower, making the bed. Loved the end. I must admit that for a moment you had me tensed. Won't she, I kept on asking till the climax comes.

Thanks for a wonderful read. You do have talent.


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Review of Molly  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your story has a lot of detailed descriptions. I have a thing for 'descriptions' no matter what they say about the passive voice. There is also a nice philosophy at the end. We frequently end up judging others without acknowledging our own imperfections.
I enjoyed the second para the most because you describe a pretty girl which is always a joyous thing to behold.
The problem in this story is that there are too many characters which makes it difficult to follow who says what. The message at the end also gets diluted a bit.


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Review of My little boy  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Motherly affection is replete in this work. I like the way you describe the similarity between the mother and her boy's eyes.

Motherhood is a wonderful emotion. Your poem is a tribute to it. It certainly brought a smile to my eyes and also tears because one day the child will grow up and go away to his own world.

Thanks for evoking some sweet feelings.

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Review of Empty Window  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a scary and a haunting read. You really had me worried. I was half expecting that that figure would be some baleful ghost. The end took me completely by surprise.

Let me admit that this work read like my own biography. Life is hollow, and we all have ghosts hidden in us. Thanks for reminding.


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