|I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.
The title does suggest the contents, but may not necessarily hook the reader.
A woman moves into a new home and makes a startling discovery.
Good job done on all the characters in the story. The best was the way you feed us details of Sophie's past life. The teacher's character is also well-developed. I could feel all her apprehensions. Even the cat assumed a characteristic of its own.
Kudos and Applause:
I enjoyed the detailed description of the house and the 'moving in' process. House shifting is a painful task, and you do well in bringing out the nuances and intricacies starting with the unpacked boxes.
You use good creativity in giving an unexpected twist to the story. Scenes from holocaust movies floated before my eyes as I read about Sophie and Otto.
I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :
The previous owner of the house is not yet dead. She has moved to a nursing home. Unless, it is some major ailment, one would expect that the realtor would contact her first and not the niece to mention about the diary.
If I were in Shirley's place, I would probably try to get in touch with Sophie. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship.
Technical, Grammar and Spelling:
The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.
I had not noticed before but the curtains appeared to be homemade. I had not noticed before[,] but the curtains appeared to be homemade.
Finally I had my bedroom to set up. Finally[,] I had my bedroom to set up.
I did not want the top part, which was glass to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose. I did not want the top part, which was glass[,] to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose.
A story of moving into a new house. The end is highly unexpected and moving.
Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5
Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5
Degree of Detailing Score: 4.5/5
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.
Wish you all the best.
Never argue with a reader. She is always right.
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