The Kama Sutra Shower Review 1
The Perfect Night
The vagrant breeze stirred the curtained window. I could feel the reflected heat making the air warm in the fading glory of a sunset that splashed the sea with a rainbow of color. The whitewashed room, with the curtained bed, took on the hues of the evening. Two tumblers sat on the bedside table covered with small drops of water. Lying there, I watched as each runlet moved sensuously down the side, only to dry in silent testament to the heat of the day. (Good description here. A fine example of what I consider Detailing skills. There are some areas of confusion. You say curtained window. You need to clarify that the curtains are pulled to the side otherwise the next line where you bring the 'sea' wouldn't make sense. The tumblers also need to be clarified. Are the tumblers upturned or upright? Just the word upright would lead the reader to believe that the protagonists drank something from it. They would then start thinking what were they doing while drinking? Since, this is a tale in the erotic genre, small teasers like this would already set juices flowing. You could also mention stains of lipstick on one of the tumblers.)
This vacation has been a lifetime in the making. It seems unreal that just a few months ago, work filled my life. There had been others – some serious, some not – but there had never been you. Like the walls that I now stared at, my life had been plain until you pulled back the shrouding curtains of loneliness and showed me the rich colors of love and passion. A silent laugh echoes within that I still have these thoughts even after our time together. (There seems to be some sort of obsession with 'curtains.' You use it twice in the opening para and now here. I'd rather you say'shrouds of loneliness.')
Seeing you standing framed by the reflected glow of light, getting ready to change as we prepare for dinner, I marvel at the light sheen of perspiration that sparkles on your shoulders as you release the wrappings of the sarong and it sensuously slides to the floor... your panties slide over your hips accompanied by the soft "susssh" of the ocean in the background. I see you smile, enjoying the attention you've generated by your flirtatious show. With a slight wiggle, you head for the shower. (Good seduction, but the comparison of panties with the ocean was a wee bit too much.)
I hear the water begin to run and I can't get the image of you out of my mind. I feel the heat, not from the air but from within, rise as I recapture the vision of the softness of your body revealed in the multicolored light, the uplift of breast and peaks of your nipples darkly shadowed against the window light. I exhale a sigh, partly in longing, partly in satisfaction, recalling the joy of being here, now, together. I feel my ardor grow with each flash of memory... the soft feel of your lips, the taste of you, the welcoming heat of you as we yield to shared desire. (How can you recapture the vision of softness? It has to be the sense of 'touch' and not 'vision.' There has to be a comma in the first line after 'run.')
I slip off my clothes releasing my growing erection and enter the bathroom. You're in the shower with water cascading off your face and shoulders running in dark rivulets down your naked body. I pause to enjoy the moment and watch the water slide down your upturned face and follow a course down your neck and across the roundness of you shoulders, disappearing between the mounds of your breast and reappearing to fall across your stomach. The sparkling concourse slows as it navigates its way through the darker patch of hair, dancing with reflected colors, and then cascading down your legs to your feet. (Good detailing and food for the reader's imagination. Water however cannot form dark rivulets unless something is mixed in it.)
I enter and slide behind you, lightly kissing your shoulders and neck. You feel the hardness of my excitement pressed against the valley of your cheeks. I feel you press back against me and the warmth and softness seem to envelope me. I feel my involuntary reaction as my penis throbs in a pleasured response. I slide my arms around you, pulling you tight. The slipperiness of the water and soap allows you to turn and our mouths find one another... The taste of clean water mixes with the lingering taste of the drinks and I cannot help but seek to taste you, my tongue licking your lips before descending into the warm pleasure of your mouth. Our eyes are closed against the spray of the shower but vision isn't needed. (Good scene. Certain words are unnecessary. You could delete either 'hardness' or 'excitement' and the effect would be just as much if not more.)
I begin to descend, kiss by kiss, down your neck and find one aroused nipple with my mouth. You feel the warm breath then the pulling sensation as I take you into my mouth and begin to lightly suck, taking more and more of you with each insistent pull of my mouth. My tongue finds the now sensitive nipple and slowly twirls around the aureole as I pull back slightly and my teeth lightly close over the nipple, playfully biting and teasing. You feel the sensation not just in your breast but as a wave of pleasure moving lower and warming you, releasing a wave of passion between your legs and you pull my face tight against your breast as I move to the other breast. I can tell by the engorged nipple that your passion is now fully aroused. (POV shifts in this paragraph might not go down well with some of the picky readers. Avoid verbosity. In the last line, consider dropping either 'passion' or 'aroused.')
Wrapping my arms around you, I lift you and we laughingly stumble dripping into the bedroom and fall on the bed, still laughing but aching with the need to come together and find release in the warmth and feeling of each other. Now I begin my kisses again and slowly move across your stomach, stopping to playful tease your bellybutton as my tongue circles before moving in and out in a preview of passion... but only momentarily.
The heat in the room and the activity has made us warm again... I reach to the bed side table and take an ice cube from a glass and place it in my mouth. Returning, I move further down your body and, lightly separating the folds of skin that hide your warmth with the tip of my tongue, I hear the sharp intake of breath as the coldness both shocks and excites. My tongue finds the small mound of your clitoris and softly glides along each side while my hand slides under you and lifts you slightly. My finger slides slowly inside you as you feel the first waves of orgasmic pleasure begin to build...(Change of POV. Repetition of 'slides.')
First teasingly, lightly my iced tongue begins to stimulate you and my finger feels your muscles tightening as more waves of pleasure begin to run through you. Soon I increase the pressure and your body begins to arch toward me, your legs involuntarily spreading to allow me greater access and I lower my mouth to suckle on you, drawing your entire clitoris into the returning warmth and wetness of my mouth, sliding your pleasure center in and out in time to the rhythm of my fingers. I hear your breathing begin to become rapid as you feel the crest of passion... and I stop. I now moving my mouth down and I taste the sweet saltiness of you, running my tongue along the sides of the hot opening before sliding it deep within you. I feel your hands pushing my head against you trying to feel me penetrate deeper into the blistering need and wetness as your legs arch over my shoulders, pulling me tighter into your pleasure. (Try breaking the first sentence into two. It is too lengthy to retain attention.You should also not forget the commas - after 'stimulate you' in the first sentence, after 'soon' in the second sentence, after 'down' in the fourth sentence etc. Too many adverbs in the first sentence makes it choppy.)
Pleasure is best shared and I feel you slide your hands across my shoulders, pushing me away and rolling me over. Your hot mouth finds mine and then, pulling back as I gulp air, I feel your lips sliding down my chest as your hand grasps my erect penis and begins to slowly stroke it, stimulating me and causing my breathing to deepen. Your mouth covers the head and slides down the shaft and I feel your tongue begin to circle the head driving me to move with the rhythm of your mouth and the motion of your hands. The first drops of my arousal appear and the touch of your tongue licking them away is unbearable as my sensitivity increases. With a small groan, I push your head back but, with a laugh, you will not take pity on me and your mouth descends again to envelope me and I feel both pleasure and pain from the softness of your touch and my attempts to hold back. (Graphical stuff done in a clinical style with a touch of poetry.)
I pull you over on top of me and begin to again stimulate you with my tongue while you continue to suck and kiss and drive me to a crescendo of excitement. I can feel your hips beginning to move, pressing your sweetness harder into my mouth, pushing against my hand and the fingers that have slid up into you and now I begin to press inside you, exciting that hidden, elusive pleasure spot. With a moan of pleasure and relief, I lift my hips pushing my penis deep in your mouth and feel the flood of cum drain out and fill your mouth at the same moment you climax, the hot juices of your orgasm flooding over my face and chest... and we shakingly collapse onto the bed. (The '69' is not evident unless the reader is concentrating hard. You might want to do a bit of 'telling' here. Just 'tell' we moved to a 69 and then continue with your hot description.)
I slowly pull myself up, feeling the aftermath of our passion in the tiny quivers in your stomach and legs and the parallel trembling in my arms and our lips meet and our liquid passions mix in the warmth of a deep kiss. I pull you toward me so our bodies are touching at every point and we hold each other and kiss and breathe and feel each other's passion dim without dying until only the feelings of tenderness and caring and completeness are left as we lay in each other's arms in the growing darkness, lulled by the faint whisper of the evening breeze and the sounds of the ocean. (I'm happy that you bring in the 'tenderness' quotient here otherwise this would just have been pure physical gratification)
Dinner is forgotten ...for now.
Final thoughts - I'm not sure if this is a continuation of a longer work, but you ought to treat every story as an individual entity. Having said that, it is imperative that you tell us about the two individuals who star in your story. Who are they? What do they look like? How did they meet? What attracts them to each other etc etc This is missing in your story. That, and the absence of any plot whatsoever diminish the pleasure of this read. I admit that some doubts clear when one reads the prompt at the end, but readers may just give up half way through. You describe the foreplay well.
An entry in November Round 4 of "Sensual Moments, Vol. III" [18+]
Prompt: First, if you're married/ involved, write a piece showing how thankful you are for your spouse/ significant other. If you're single, write to/ about that mysterious person you've been waiting/ searching for. Remember this is an erotica contest but be sensual and loving. SHOW us your feelings. Make this one beautiful.
Word Count: 1513
Thank you for taking time to read my words. I would appreciate it if you took a moment and left a comment. Your reaction, impressions, criticisms, - yes, even encouragement or praise - are all equally welcome.
Ken
** Image ID #1598825 Unavailable ** |
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