|I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge for the "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.
The title is interesting, but remember that it is also the prompt of the contest and there could be some other author using the same name. You should try and think of original titles. One suggestion is 'When Mom calls.'
A woman wakes up to discover that rain water has entered her house through a leakage in the roof.
We do not have much on the central character, Louisa. The only detail is some information on her parents.
Kudos and Applause:
Fits the prompt well.
I am content with the details that you provide and I can recreate the image in my mind.
i. fairy-like particles dancing in the dim light
ii. The deluge surged away from the disturbance of my feet, nudging the walls eagerly.
iii. The ghosts of poems being sapped from their homes in the pages of books, bleeding into the invading tide.
iv. When it did, it exposed the heavy beads of water weighing down each blade of spring grass that stood among the mud.
In general the flooding has been well-described.
The tentative steps she takes when she enters the muddy water are also 'shown' well.
The telephone call she receives is so poignant.
I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :
I read your story several times but couldn't 'see' the layout of the house. I only know that the bedroom is in the basement. However, I do not know where is the living room, where is the porch, what is the porch swing? In contrast to the flooding which has been shown so well, this was a bit of a letdown. Let me explain a bit more. I assumed that she is sleeping on a bedroom on the ground floor. She comes out from there wading through the water and reaches the stairs. She climbs up the stairs and settles down and sees the flooding. Now where is the living room located and what do you mean when you say it is above the threshold? Also, if the stairs lead to a porch, the same does not come out in the story.
You make an excessive use of adverbs.(completely,desolately, evenly, morosely, listlessly, sporadically,timidly, achingly, eerily and many more.) Just do a search of the word 'ly' in your story and they will all show up) This is not advised and I myself have been reprimanded severely for doing so. Use more of nouns and verbs, less of adjectives and adverbs.
Technical, Grammar and Spelling:
The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.
It started with the dripping[,] rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. It started with the dripping rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. (Comma is not requires as 'dripping' and 'rhythmic' are non-coordinate adjectives)
Your paragraphs are long which could be cumbersome to read. Break them into smaller paragraphs.
A fantastic depiction of a day where everything went wrong. Great detailing.
Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5
Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5
Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.
Wish you all the best in the contest.
Never argue with a reader. She is always right.
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