Prof Moriarty's (profmoriarty) Reviews

Prof Moriarty

Review Requests: ON

560 Public Reviews Given

605 Total Reviews Given

51

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3359665

Review of The Archery Contest

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is appropriate, but could have been more exciting. Some options are 'The Arrow That Missed the Target' or 'The Arrow Found its Mark' or 'The Unwary Target'

Brief description:

In an archery competition, an old peasant's arrow finds an unlikely target.

The characters:

Given the length of your piece, you do a decent job on characterization. However, there are no word restrictions in this story. You could have dwelt a bit more on the old peasant's character. He fascinates me for sure, and I would be interested to know more about him.

Kudos and Applause:

An interesting take on the prompt.

What an unexpected ending! Good job.

I enjoyed the following examples of detailing in your story.

The description of the bow and arrow.

Scene of the archery competition.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You have to make an effort to create more backdrop to allow the reader to identify with the peasant's cause.

He shuffled forward, one dirty boot before the other, mud squelching through the cloth. Which cloth?

Brown mud covered the ground, drowning the limp grass in its softness, but still hard enough to not go higher than the ankle. Are you saying the mud was hard enough to not go higher than the ankles? Are you saying that the feet sink into the mud, but only up to the ankles? It doesn't seem clear to me.

a single straight arrow smoothed and feathered perfectly with white goose feathers. Versions of 'feather' are repeated in close proximity which makes the sentence choppy. Also, what is meant by 'smoothed' with feathers? You may consider : a single straight arrow with its shaft adorned with white goose feathers. This is just a suggestion.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

All around him was noise and colors. All around him were noise and colors.

Overall Impression:

A tale of an archery competition with an interesting twist at the end. A must Read.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.6/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

52

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3354981

Review of Ezzie

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

The title could be catchier. In fact your brief description 'What is Ezzie's problem?' sounds like a cool title to me.

Brief description:

A woman distressed by the monotonicity of her life and of the small town she lives in, decides to flee from her home.

The characters:

First of all, I thought Ezzie is a fabulous name. I haven't heard or read it before, but it's sort of cute. I felt her frustrations and experienced her confusions. I did feel sympathetic for her. She is courageous enough to decide to leave her boyfriend(or husband) for the simple reason that she she wants a different life. I clearly identified with her. The husband also earned my sympathies for his kind behavior.

Kudos and Applause:

The opening paragraph hooked me completely with your clear description.

An effective portrayal of a small town, yet ambitious girl's frustrations with the lack of opportunities for a better life.

Her pregnancy took me by surprise. It also tied up nicely with her decision to flee which in the beginning appeared reckless.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The tension between the couple is resolved a little too fast. Very convenient to be believable. Maybe, you could add that she concedes and is willing to give him one more opportunity because of the second life that is forming inside her.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Night was coming on quick and there wasn’t anything to do but turn around and head back. Night was coming on quick[,] and there wasn’t anything to do but turn around and head back

Overall Impression:

An interesting insight into an ambitious woman's discontentment with her nondescript existence.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4.5/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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53

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3354934

Review of Woodland Encounter

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Amusing title which draws attention.

Brief description:

An intelligent thief weaves a web of cunning and charm to trap and rob unsuspecting victims.

The characters:

The thief definitely steals the show. Good job.

Kudos and Applause:

Unique storyline.

I enjoyed how you seduced the reader with your gradual revelation of the thief's physical chracteristics.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The narrator's capture by the thief could have been more dramatic. For example, your sentence reads like this: My heart stops. You could replace this with My heart stops when a dagger point pricked my tender throat. I hear a voice, sweet yet cold.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

I'm sure you'd have received countless suggestions on your story written in the present tense. Unless you've strong logic, this is best avoided.

Overall Impression:

An interesting tale about an unusual thief.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/ 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/ 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/ 5

Unputdownability: 4.5/ 5

Ending: 4.5/ 5

Final Rating: 4.2/ 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3354929

Review of Who’s Coming For Dinner

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Appropriate.

Brief description:

A story that takes a look at social inequalities. We have side by side one families wasting food while millions across the world go hungry.

The characters:

Poignant characterization. You show the warmth and happiness that food and shelter can give to a family while on the other side you sketch a graphic picture of the plight of the homeless.

Kudos and Applause:

A powerful opening line. Emotional and meaningful.

I think your skit is highly relevant to today's world.

The contrast between deprivation and abundance is brought out starkly.

I liked the message in the end of not wasting food. It's important that we cultivate such value systems in our children.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The problem of the homeless is an universal phenomenon not limited to only the third world. I thought this reference could have been more broad-based rather than saying 'There are starving people in third world countries and you don’t eat your food?' Something like 'People starve to deaths every day and you are wasting food' could have a more broad-based appeal. You don't end up humiliating or insulting third world populations. I am sure that is not your intention since you are a true follower of Christ.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No errors spotted.

Overall Impression:

An insightful tale about social inequities and injustices.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

55

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3354453

Review of The shrunk husband

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Appropriate title.

Brief description:

A story based on two gay characters, one of whom shrinks in size and becomes small.

The characters:

More work needs to be done on the character building. We only know that Paul is a rugby player. There is no information on Ben.

Kudos and Applause:

The storyline has the potential for erotic buildup.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

There is hardly any erotica in this story. There were plenty of opportunities though, which need to be capitalized upon.

The 'shit wiping' description wasn't a pleasant read. You may choose to delete it.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The story needs a thorough edit for grammar, spelling and punctuation.

All your paragraphs are just one long sentence. You need to break them up.

Overall Impression:

This story needs work, but has potential.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 1.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 3.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS
ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

56

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3352386

Review of Review Tool

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi!

I give this review as a judge for

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#1521658 by Not Available.

.

Please accept this review in the spirit of what it is; my personal opinion. I have made all possible attempts to be honest, encouraging and positive. Accept whatever suits you and feel free to discard the rest.

What I liked in this review?

You mention clearly what worked for you. All writers need encouragement. Many reviewers forget this and make their review an exercise in criticism. I am happy that you haven't fallen into this trap.

My Suggestions

The word 'STRENGTHS' sounds little strange to me in the context of a story. Also, you could club 'STRENGTHS' with the 'I PARTICULARLY LIKED' section.

The format is not too pleasing to the eyes.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

57

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14 days may be credited.

#3351910

Review of Unraveling

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Fascinating title. Unraveling could mean many things. It could be unraveling of their passions, love , lust...Good job.

Brief description:

A poem on erotic love.

The characters:

Irrelevant

Kudos and Applause:

I was impressed by the powerful imagery you generated while sticking to the constraints of the form.

I tried to a Google on Rictometer. Didn't come across anything substantial. However, I was delighted to see your entry come up on the first page of the search.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

No suggestion.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No suggestion.

Overall Impression:

A brilliant poem of passion written in an intriguing style.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/ 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 5/ 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/ 5

Unputdownability: 5/ 5

Ending: 5/ 5

Final Rating: 5/ 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

58

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3343383

Review of Welcome to Paradise

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Interesting title

Brief description:

An anti-climactic vacation setting when compared to the descriptions of the fanciful brochures.

The characters:

No characters.

Kudos and Applause:

The prompt is followed.

You use the monologue style to depict a disastrous holiday home. It works out to be effective. Your piece is short which helps, otherwise it would not hold the interest of the reader. You have a skill with words which you deploy well and generate the desired 'shock' value.

I spotted the following examples of detailing
1. The uncomfortable hotel room with its heat, flies, cockroaches and what not. Quite brilliant.

2. The swimming pool. My God!

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You do not narrate any story. It is a long list of disaster. I appreciate the detailing and your graphic vocabulary creates grim images as desired. However, it is not interesting enough as there is no story.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

A good description of a hellish holiday home.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 2.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

59

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14 days may be credited.

#3343381

Review of From bad to good to strange

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title could be catchier. You could think "A vacation that almost went bad' or ' A vacation that almost wasn't.'

Brief description:

There are several hiccups before a vacation finally materializes.

The characters:

There is no effort at characterization. This could have added more depth and color to your story. It would have helped to know whether the character's gender, profession and family background. Maybe, she could have been a woman who has just been through a messy divorce. Something like that helps the reader identify with the story more.

Kudos and Applause:

A good take on the prompt. I like the way the initial disappointment changed to sudden elation.

I could sense slightly the excitement of packing and preparing for the journey.

You achieve some success in showing the snowfall and the hail.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You should have devoted more time and space to describing the actual vacation. It started with a lot of promise, but the lack of detail disappointed a bit.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Today I woke up nice and early so I could pack and get to the airport on time. Today[,] I woke up nice and early[,] so I could pack and get to the airport on time.

While I drove along I glanced out the window for a second[,] I saw snow! While I drove along[,] I glanced out of the window for a second[.]I saw snow!

Suddenly I was startled by a noise-a crunch from where the cars were8,] I saw the pieces of hail slam into many of the cars; then I saw thousands of huge chunks of hail slam into my car and crush it to the ground. Suddenly[,] I was startled by a noise-a crunch from where the cars were[.] I saw the pieces of hail slam into many of the cars; then I saw thousands of huge chunks of hail slam into my car and crush it to the ground.

While I explained my car was scrap metal now I realized that by this time tomorrow I would be relaxing on a sunny beach. While I explained my car was scrap metal now[,] I realized that by this time tomorrow[,] I would be relaxing on a sunny beach.

The next morning the flight attendant woke me up “Sir it’s time to exit the plane now.” The next morning the flight attendant woke me up[.] “Sir[,] it’s time to exit the plane now.”

Overall Impression:

A story describing a vacation. The end is poignant. Has potential and more detailing could make a lot of difference.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

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14 days may be credited.

#3338177

Review of I Want to Be with You

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title. You may consider sensationalizing this a bit to elicit more attention. Something like 'Extreme Infatuation' or 'Bleeding Heart.' I am sure you can come up with much better ideas. These are mere suggestions.

Brief description:

A high school girl is infatuated with the most popular boy in school.

The characters:

You do well to give the reader as sense of the girl's bleeding heart. I am not too convinced about the boy's character though. He seems much too mean for a girl to love him as such. However, we all have suffered these 'crushes,' haven't we?

Kudos and Applause:

This is one of the best short pieces I have come across on high school infatuation. I could see the hapless girl's emotions and felt both amused and sorry for her.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I didn't like James. In fact, I hate characters such as him. He is the archetypal male chauvinist who uses his gifted charms to hurt and humiliate others. I do not know if this was the objective of your story.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No errors spotted.

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 3.5/5

Final Rating: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

61

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14 days may be credited.

#3338161

Review of Talent Is For Suckers

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Provocative title which will seduce the reader.

Brief description:

The author laments about her lack of talent. (Since gender is not specified, I am using the feminine in a general way.)

The characters:

The story is narrated in the first person. The writer herself is the central character. We only get to know about her special thumb but that works well. It is the only thing that matters in the end.

Kudos and Applause:

I liked the point you make against the pursuit of meaningless 'celebrityness'. (I know there is no word like this, but nothing else came close to what I wanted to say.) I like the underlying message in your story for both parents and children. Recognize your limitations and reconcile with them. Ambitions are good, but unrealistic dreams only lead to bitterness and frustration.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The only suggestion is that you should urge the reader to work hard. Being cognizant of one's weaknesses is good, but let that not become an excuse for not working hard.

Pardon my stupidity, but I seriously didn't understand the A+. Are you saying the writer got an A+ for describing his thumb or is he just being ironical?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/ 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

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14 days may be credited.

#3338125

Review of Imbaa and the Magical Seed

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A fairytale about a boy who discovers a seed with magical properties.

The characters:

There is no effort at building up the characters. I think more justice could have been done to Imbaa. I was happy with the portrayal of the tyrant king.

Kudos and Applause:

You have a nice storyline. It was interesting and unique.

The story is fast paced.

I like happy endings.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The only suggestion would be to give more details about Imbaa because he is the central character.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The story needs to be edited for grammar. There are instances of 'tenses' getting mixed up. Example: In the middle of the forest is a small farm village. In the middle of the forest was a small farm village.

Not until King Thomas came. Until King Thomas came. ( Not changes the meaning of the sentence entirely.)

Overall Impression:

A fairytale with a nice moral that truth and righteousness wins in the end.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

63

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14 days may be credited.

#3338096

Review of Duncan's Story: 1-4

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is ordinary and won't work in drawing more readers to your work.

Brief description:

A werewolf changes his residence and meets a human girl who attracts him.

The characters:

The main characters are Duncan and Eira. There is a physical description of Eira. Beside this there is not much to go by to understand your lead characters. We only know that Eira is pretty and Duncan falls for her. Of all your characters, I thought Skylar was described the best.

Kudos and Applause:

You use interesting dialogs to move your story forward.

The story is quite fast-paced.

The interaction between Duncan and Eira was described well. One did get the feel of a budding romance.

Skylar certainly added intrigue and sexual tension. You introduce her at the right point which heals to break monotony and kindle interest.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I wish there was more background on the characters. The story begins and ends abruptly.

In the Brief Description you mention that Duncan has lost a friend. You also hint at this loss in the beginning of the story. Lack of sufficient information left the reader wondering as to what happened.

I didn't understand the last paragraph.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

A couple of times the POV gets confused. I will quote some examples.

I had to read this a couple of times to understand the POV: “That’s not my finger. Hey, who’s he?” I tensed until the blond midget sat down.

First look at this sentence: “Hi my name is Skylar and I was wondering if you’d like to come sit with us adults.” She flipped her white-blonde hair over her shoulder to reveal her neck to me in offering of her body. ( Here the POV is right because it is Skylar who speaks and Skylar who flips her hair.)

Now look at this sentence: “No thank you.” She sniffed in disgust but I laughed at her retreating back. (Here the dialog is by Duncan but the action after the dialog is Duncan. The right way is that the dialog should followed by an act of the speaker.)

“Where did you move from?” This came from the black-haired girl Eira called Beth. “Where did you move from?” This came from the black-haired girl whomEira called Beth.

On the whole, I thought your grammar and punctuation were quite good.

Overall Impression:

The beginning of a budding romance between a werewolf and a human girl. With more detailing this can be really good.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 3/5

Final Rating: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

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#3337589

Review of Fowl Play, a Case of Chicken Murder.

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Cool, humorous title.

Brief description:

A poultry farmer investigates the mystery of his murdered chicken.

The characters:

The main character is Buffy, the dead chicken. You do a great job of describing her.

Kudos and Applause:

I liked the original story line. It was a bit sad but also amusing.

I had no clue about chicken predators. Thanks for the knowledge.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

I have only one small suggestion. The 'Adult' genre seems a bit misplaced. You should consider changing it to 'Education' because your story actually teaches something new.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The first line breaks midway and goes to the second line. Just a small thing, but it is jarring.

With no knowledge of how it happened I saw Buffy lying dead on the ground! With no knowledge of how it happened[,] I saw Buffy lying dead on the ground!

I know said predator was on the outside I knew that the said predator was on the outside

Overall Impression:

A story about a chicken's murder written in an interesting manner.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

This review is part of the surprise gift promised for your participation in the April-May edition of

The Creative Detailing Contest

(13+)
A contest to hone your detailing skills.October 2012 Round is on..
#1665098 by Prof Moriarty

. The June contest with new prompt is now open.

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#3337536

Review of Open shop

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Interesting title.

Brief description:

A girls is tempted when she sees the jacket she has always wanted displayed in an unmanned store.

The characters:

The only character is Casey. There is not much information on her which makes it slightly difficult to understand her. We don't know her age or her financial background. It is difficult to draw any conclusions with such ambiguity.

Kudos and Applause:

The story begins in an interesting manner. I also think that you have an original storyline.

I liked the way you create temptations for Casey and she succumbs to them.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

This story would be more meaningful if we have some idea about what motivates Casey. What she does is wrong, but if she is impoverished or has some other strong reason for stealing, we might feel more for her.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

looking straight that beautiful long white jacket she had always wanted. looking straight at that beautiful long white jacket she had always wanted.

Everyone of her friends had one , being her the only who couldn’t get . Everyone of her friends had one, she being the the only who couldn’t get one. (Also note the position of the comma and the period.)

looking herself on the huge mirrors doing all kinds of styles and poses. looking at herself on the huge mirrors doing all kinds of styles and poses.

Your story needs a thorough edit for grammar and punctuation. I have pointed out only some of the instances above.

Overall Impression:

A story about a girl who yields to temptations for material objects. More detailing on the character would help.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 2.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

This review is part of the surprise gift promised for your participation in the April-May edition of

The Creative Detailing Contest

(13+)
A contest to hone your detailing skills.October 2012 Round is on..
#1665098 by Prof Moriarty

. The June contest with new prompt is now open.

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#3337519

Review of The Monster Awakens

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A man stitches together a hideous creature and imparts it life. The creation turns out to be a monster and intimidates his creator.

The characters:

The monster who is the central character is shown in a vivid way. He instills terror in the minds of the readers.

Kudos and Applause:

The whole setting where the man works on creating the monster is shown well.

A neat job in describing the characteristics of the monster and the scare he gives to his creator.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

I would like to know what are the components that have gone to create this monster. Are his body parts from dead humans or from animals?

You should be more explicit in the end whether creator is alive or dead. This will help you write the sequel. In my opinion, you should definitely work on extending this.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

He rose again and I stood rooted to the spot with anticipation and a returning sense of unease. He rose again[,] and I stood rooted to the spot with anticipation and a returning sense of unease.

Overall Impression:

A haunting tale of an experiment going awry. A fitting example that whenever man tries to play God, the results are always disastrous.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.2/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

This review is part of the surprise gift promised for your participation in the April-May edition of

The Creative Detailing Contest

(13+)
A contest to hone your detailing skills.October 2012 Round is on..
#1665098 by Prof Moriarty

. The June contest with new prompt is now open.

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#3336701

Review of Grandpa's Room

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Nice title. Evokes warm feelings of love and coziness.

Brief description:

A tale about the bonds between grandparents and grandchildren.

The characters:

Thought, this is a short piece, you do well to create some endearing characters. The senior grandfather and the tiny granddaughter are memorable creations.

Kudos and Applause:

Your tale moved me to tears. I had no clue what 'breech birth' or 'anoxia' meant. I looked up the two terms and when the reality dawned, I couldn't hold back my emotions. I kept hoping and praying that this is not a true story, but I have a sick feeling that it is. Beautiful short tale of human emotions.

I love this sentence: He'd let me squeeze the little lead tubes of colors onto his pallet. This is such a sweet way of keeping the child engaged rather than shoo him away and scream that he is soiling his clothes. The child in this case must be feeling on top of the world because he consider himself to be a part of the painting.

The orange smile idea was so cute.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

The only suggestion is if you make this work longer and bring out more aspects of this tender relationship. In these days of nuclear families one hardly gets to see this. Maybe, if there are more stories of this type every parent would realize what they are depriving their children of.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Now, I look down at my granddaughter. Now, I stare at my granddaughter. (Considering the poignancy of the situation, I thought 'stare' would bring out the pathos more.)

Her warmth I feel through my shirt. I feel her warmth through my shirt. (Unless you have made the current version poetic on purpose.)

Overall Impression:

A touching tale abut a grandfather's love.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.5/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

This review is part of the surprise gift promised for your participation in the April-May edition of

The Creative Detailing Contest

(13+)
A contest to hone your detailing skills.October 2012 Round is on..
#1665098 by Prof Moriarty

. The June contest with new prompt is now open.

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14 days may be credited.

#3336691

Review of A Lesson in Misfortune

Review by Prof Moriarty

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

A good title, but slightly choppy. Maybe, you could try 'The Unfortunate Lesson.'

Brief description:

Veronica doesn't know how to swim. She meets with an accident and falls into a swimming pool.

The characters:

Veronica is the main character. Her hydrophobia and her ignorance of swimming is well-described. i liked the reasons she came up with to justify her reluctance to learn swimming.

Kudos and Applause:

This is the second story I am reading from your portfolio. You have a characteristic melancholic style. Your stories play upon the reader's mind in a brooding sort of a way. You also seem to have an obsession with death. So far, all these have worked with me well. I have been moved and troubled which is an achievement.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

I think you should make this work longer. Writer's Cramp allows 1000 words. You could add more description of her thoughts, her dreams and desires. This would make the audience feel for her more.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

A gripping story on a woman who doesn't learn to swim.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

This review is part of the surprise gift promised for your participation in the April-May edition of

The Creative Detailing Contest

(13+)
A contest to hone your detailing skills.October 2012 Round is on..
#1665098 by Prof Moriarty

. The June contest with new prompt is now open.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

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14 days may be credited.

#3328289

Review of The day everything went wrong

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

This title, though good, doesn't work because it is the prompt and too many writers have used it to name their entry to this contest. You could try 'Freedom Lost' or 'Shattered Dreams' or 'When I was Kidnapped.'

Brief description:

A cat's dreams of a good life are shattered.

The characters:

The cat and her captor are described well. I can feel the animal's frustration and her captor's pleasure in holding it captive. Great job.

Kudos and Applause:

An absolutely unique direction to the prompt.

Your story is replete with clean intelligent humor.

I found the following instances of detailing in your story
1. The cat's joy when it wakes up on the rainy day. Its expectations are expressed well.
2. The cat's frustration when it sees the empty kitchen.
3. The cat's panic when it sees Mrs. Casey.
4. Mrs. Case's excitement after capturing the cat.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You could create a suspense by giving a name to the cat. Say, James. You could describe how James wakes up, is delighted to see the rainy day, is frustrated to see the empty kitchen and so on. In the end you could reveal that James is actually a cat. If you can pull this off, it would be brilliant.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

There are too many grammatical errors and typos in your story. I have listed only a few below. If you can do a thorough edit of your story and weed them out, this would have been an enchanting story.

pawns paws

joyfully smile joyful smile

babisiter babysitter

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 2/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3328285

Review of The Last Day

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

This could be a good title, but, since this is also the prompt, you run the risk of another writer using it as the name of her story. In your case, a title 'Death of a City' or 'The Last Days of..' could be good title. For the latter, you need to have a name for the city which should be inserted in the blank space at the end.

Brief description:

An electricity problem results in a huge fire which devastates an entire city.

The characters:

Here the main protagonist is an inanimate object which is 'The City.'I think you did a great job in creating a picture of the futuristic city. You included a lot of details, which is what this contest is all about. I will refer to them in the 'Kudos and Applause' section.

Kudos and Applause:

You have a unique storyline.

Great take on the prompt. Exactly what I sought.

The following details in your story impressed me
1. Vivid portrayal of the devastating fire, the screaming workers and the student's ghastly death.
2. The transport system created a fine image of a futuristic city. I am not quite clear what exactly you meant by pods, but on the whole your description created a solid impact.
3. You used an intelligent idea to bring into use the fire brigade and through that painted a picture of the unused roads,the potholes and the junk.
4. The crowded hospitals.
5. The riots.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The narrative style of your item could become boring for some readers. While it works well for this contest, it may not in other cases. Currently, your work reads like a methodical description and some readers may brand it as 'telling' instead of 'showing.' One way to beat this is by making the old man a part of the story. For example, he could say his student plunged to death or he was trapped in the pod or he fought with the doctor and so on.

I couldn't comprehend the significance of the government shutting down the city. What is meant by that? Were the people evacuated? Was the city cordoned off? Are you saying that all citizens died on that day?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

All the while fires continued burning, trapping those who had already been working and forcing those who hadn’t onto the streets and into the confusion and uproar[,] It became the only place to go. All the while fires continued burning, trapping those who had already been working and forcing those who hadn’t onto the streets and into the confusion and uproar because that became the only place to go.

Overall Impression:

Vivid description of the death of a city.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3328282

Review of The day that everything went wrong

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

My issue with this title is that since it is the prompt many writers will use it. This is what has actually happened and your creation loses its distinctive identity.

Brief description:

A poem about a bad day.

The characters:

No characterization seen.

Kudos and Applause:

Prompt is followed.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I wish you would have included more detailing.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Not sure why is the 'c' capitalized in 'Cleaners.'

Overall Impression:

A short poem about a person who wakes up feeling sick.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 3/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 2.5/5

Unputdownability: 2.5/5

Ending: 3/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 2.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3328267

Review of The Wrong Side of the Bed

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Nice title with a humorous touch.

Brief description:

A bad nightmare jolts Kasey out of her sleep, and since then, things start going horribly wrong.

The characters:

Kasey, the harrowed working wife comes alive in your story. Well done. The understanding husband and the hard-nosed boss are also depicted well. On the whole, I would give you pretty high marks on the characterization.

Kudos and Applause:

Great take on the prompt.

I found the following examples of detailing in your short work
1. The nightmare
2. Kasey's appearance when she gets out of bed and when she goes to office.
3. The inside and outside of Kasey's house.
4. Description of Kasey getting into the truck.
5. Her boss and his office.

The scene where Jack waits for Kasey with her bag and coffee touched a chord with me.

There is a lot of humor in your piece though the end is quite poignant.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You missed a detail when Kasey gets into the truck. Where is the coffee? What should happen is that her husband holds the coffee for her, she throws in the briefcase, climbs in and then takes the coffee from his hand. You should also say that she places the coffee in a holder or it will appear that she drives with one hand. Also, does she not carry any hand bag? Where does she carry her blackberry?

How does Kasey reach the office with a stained white blouse? It could be easy to come over this. Maybe, she pulls her suit closer over her blouse or something like that. This would be one more detailing that would embellish your creation.

The interaction with the police was 'told' and not 'shown.' You could work up a conversation here, show us how she is burning up inside while the cop goes about his task in a leisurely manner.

A surfeit of adjectives stick out in an otherwise lucid read, especially the ones used in series Example (soft, creamy), (satiny black), (large flashing red),(chaotic blonde), (glassy blue), (white berber)

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

soft[,] creamy throat soft creamy throat (These are non coordinate adjectives. Drop the comma.)

Overall Impression:

A humorous account of how a morning goes all awry. A must read.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.7/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3328259

Review of The Day Everything Went Wrong

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge for the "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is interesting, but remember that it is also the prompt of the contest and there could be some other author using the same name. You should try and think of original titles. One suggestion is 'When Mom calls.'

Brief description:

A woman wakes up to discover that rain water has entered her house through a leakage in the roof.

The characters:

We do not have much on the central character, Louisa. The only detail is some information on her parents.

Kudos and Applause:

Fits the prompt well.

I am content with the details that you provide and I can recreate the image in my mind.

Good detailing:
i. fairy-like particles dancing in the dim light
ii. The deluge surged away from the disturbance of my feet, nudging the walls eagerly.
iii. The ghosts of poems being sapped from their homes in the pages of books, bleeding into the invading tide.
iv. When it did, it exposed the heavy beads of water weighing down each blade of spring grass that stood among the mud.

In general the flooding has been well-described.

The tentative steps she takes when she enters the muddy water are also 'shown' well.

The telephone call she receives is so poignant.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I read your story several times but couldn't 'see' the layout of the house. I only know that the bedroom is in the basement. However, I do not know where is the living room, where is the porch, what is the porch swing? In contrast to the flooding which has been shown so well, this was a bit of a letdown. Let me explain a bit more. I assumed that she is sleeping on a bedroom on the ground floor. She comes out from there wading through the water and reaches the stairs. She climbs up the stairs and settles down and sees the flooding. Now where is the living room located and what do you mean when you say it is above the threshold? Also, if the stairs lead to a porch, the same does not come out in the story.

You make an excessive use of adverbs.(completely,desolately, evenly, morosely, listlessly, sporadically,timidly, achingly, eerily and many more.) Just do a search of the word 'ly' in your story and they will all show up) This is not advised and I myself have been reprimanded severely for doing so. Use more of nouns and verbs, less of adjectives and adverbs.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

It started with the dripping[,] rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. It started with the dripping rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. (Comma is not requires as 'dripping' and 'rhythmic' are non-coordinate adjectives)

Your paragraphs are long which could be cumbersome to read. Break them into smaller paragraphs.

scuffled scuffed

Overall Impression:

A fantastic depiction of a day where everything went wrong. Great detailing.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best in the contest.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

74

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3324600

Review of Bonner

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item. I came across your story in the Editor's picks of the UENG Newsletter.

The title:

The title is unusual. I actually thought that you meant 'Boner.'

Brief description:

A businesswoman is frustrated by her loneliness in her hotel room.

The characters:

There is only one main character. Her emptiness and frustration is shown well.

Kudos and Applause:

Good Showing: The heavy messenger bag was sliding off my shoulder as I grappled with my purse, a water bottle, and my room key. The little "snick" of admittance was a blessed sound indeed.

I could identify with the protagonist's loneliness and her weakness for creating an imaginary character and pining for him.

It is difficult to write a story about yearning when the 'object of desire' is illusory. You do rather well.

A powerful last sentence, and yes, I want more of this story for sure.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Erotica is low.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Somehow I'd lost my taste for anything that smacked of romance these days. Somehow[,]I'd lost my taste for anything that smacked of romance these days.

Overall Impression:

A story about yearning which evokes strong emotions.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

75

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3324585

Review of Heaven

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title which makes even more sense at the end of the story.

Brief description:

A story of first love, early motherhood, sacrifice, struggle and eventual success. It all starts with a little romp in the meadows.

The characters:

You did a wonderful job with character building for such a short piece. The heroine is admirable for so many reasons. She is passionate, romantic, brave, spirited and so much more.

Kudos and Applause:

I enjoyed your story thoroughly. It has all the elements which I define as entertainment, erotic, romance, love, struggle and eventual success.

The erotica, though short, is extremely effective. The part where the woman savors the sweetness inside her is really hot.

I liked the struggle and success.

The end is sad, but memorable.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

There are several grammatical errors which I think is more out of sloppiness than anything else. I have tried and pointed out some of them in the Technical Section, but they are much more. These errors take away the pleasure of reading.

I didn't understand the significance of these names:Switchadiddy, Whatchamabobbit, Flipflop, Okeefenokee (Is there something I am missing? I did find these names jarring)

Eliminate these errors and this would be an enchanting read.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

descremated Perhaps what you meant is desecrated

turrist tourist

Low and behold Lo and behold

Andrews's Andrews'

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.