|This is a really interesting and well-crafted story. I’m assuming this is part of a larger story?
I really enjoyed the beginning, especially the second paragraph. The last sentence really hits you with a surprise! Strangely, I wasn’t sure at this point if this was about vampires. I had the idea of JUST cannibals. You introduce their vampire nature slowly, which builds the excitement of the story:
Also the corpse of the fella we ate last night…
Of all the people to suddenly jump on you from a rafter and start chomping jugulars…
”…That stuff won’t happen for another fifty years at least.” The smaller vampire grins.
Nice tension building! I also liked the early reference that gives the reader an idea of how old they really are: I don’t think either of us has seen any television since the moon landing..
The overall flow is nice and logical with a good mix of dialogue and description. The last sentence is classic as it sets up the next chapter (assuming) perfectly.
This may be a new style for me: folksy vampire. In general, the language of Ira and Trochee flows effortlessly. It’s very matter-of-fact…we’re vampires and we eat people, simple as that.
There’s a few things that I want to know more about, which will hopefully come out in later chapters. What are the histories of Ira and Trochee? What is “Undeath”? And of course, what happens to them?
Obviously, I enjoyed this story and hope you continue with it. Your style is easy to read and well structure.