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1
1
Review of Hidden Magic  
for entry "First Day
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Rolleyes* Note, Please? *Pthb*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Positive:
I must admit I don't often read young adults romance story, but I do at least have a basic grasp of the genre. And I can see that this story has everything readers would expect to find in a young adults story---friendship, siblings-kind-of-rivalry, and a bit of mystery. You've even used the modern vocabularies and even the modern technological reference (BlackBerry), which is very appropriate to set up the whole setting in the first few paragraphs. So, well done!

I'm a bit curious with Rosie-Amy relationship, though, since Amy seems to dominate despite her being the younger sister. Does she always bad-mouth her sister the first thing in the morning? I'm glad she's not my sister. *Smile*

What made me curious, though, is that Rosie doesn't seem to have a problem with this at all. It might make readers wonder: Why doesn't she talk back at her? Perhaps their relationship has been like that for ages---you know them better---but you can use this as another idea in your story. For example, you can make one or two persons also ask her about this, and why she seems so passive. Then she'll have a chance to answer and readers'll have a chance to see deeper into her personality. Of course, you don't have to do this unless you want to, but it's a possibility.


Suggestion:
"Rosie!" Amy screeched (Just a little typo everyone seems to always make. Also add it in the first line of the chapter.)

Period One – English Room Two – Mr D Johnson. (Personally, I won't recommend you to bold this, because bold tends to attract readers' attention away from the other parts of the page and into the highlighted one. Readers might miss one or two sentence that way. Consider using italics instead.)

“Amber Fenty.” She repeated Rosie’s words with a look of pure horror.
“Amy, seriously what?”

(Rosie's reply here can be taken in two ways: (1) she's asking what Amy's being serious about or (2) she's asking why Amy looks horrified. If it's the second one, I'd recommend you add a question mark and move the comma, as in "Amy? Seriously, what?" to avoid confusion. If you can have a better idea, it's also up to you.)


Best luck writing the rest of the book!



*Blush* *Bigsmile* *Envy* *Cry* *Sick*

Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
DISCOVER.

(MARK TWAIN)




2
2
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonV* Remember *BalloonV*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



What I Truly Like:
It's an interesting twist on an old fairytale! I'm so glad I happened to stumble upon it. It's so clever of you to tell a sidestory from the children's perspective; I never thought of anything like that!

And also a bonus point for your imperfect grammar -- in this case, that 'imperfect' grammar becomes perfect because of the perspective you're using. I bet it's a hard work to keep the grammar consistent from a childish point of view. Awesome!


Suggestion:
Personally, I prefer the story ended right when the prince came, not when everyone has been awoken, because I know how the ending is supposed to be and the twist has gone. However, I also understand if you changed it that way, the ending won't have the same impact like this, so the decision to change it or not is perfectly up to you. Perhaps you want to experiment with it a bit; otherwise, keeping it this way is also fine.


Grammar:
Since the grammar, like I've said, is intentionally imperfect, I can't say very much here, except that you should keep it all extra-consistent.

"Gedoff me Tommy, gedoff,” I says angrily [Personally, I still think it's necessary to put a comma here, since I got an impression the child is saying the story and not writing it. Comma is something you can't exactly see, so you might want to reconsider this way of writing.]

These be for Princess Rose's bir'day. [The same reason with above; the capitalisation is something a child can write, but not say.]

I has started likin' night [Before the child always uses additional s after verbs.]


Comment:
An interesting way to retell a fairytale. Thanks for the awesome story!


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3
3
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonV* Remember *BalloonV*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Positive:
Your story has a nice flow and incredible plotline. You have done very well in keeping readers' interest by scattering the details of past events (i.e. the crime and the reason of the nickname 'princess') all over the story. I agree it's an exceptional idea: readers would get bored more easily if you used a chronological order here.

And a bonus point for the twist. When I first read it, I thought it would be a typical romance, since the language indicates so. You have successfully fooled me with this story.



Suggestion:
You might want to change the title into lowercase. Personally, I found uppercase is like shouting; it's really unnecessary since you have written it in bigger size and in bold.

You should also be careful with how you're using emphasis here. More than once, I see you combine bold, italic and/or quotation-marks to give an emphasis on a specific part of the story. I don't think it's necessary to combine them -- only italic or only quotation-marks will be enough. Bold is rarely used as an emphasis in writing, unless for headings and visual stories (graphic novels, etc.).

You also use inconsistent indentations throughout the paragraph. I assume this is because you pressed 'space' on your keyboard several times to make those indentations. I don't think it's a good idea to do this, since not only it's difficult to edit later on, it also takes time. Here, in WdC, you can just type {indent} in front of your paragraph to make an indentation. It's easier to manage and quicker to apply -- you just need to copy-paste it in front of each paragraph. You can give it a try.



Grammar:
The last thing I need is to find myself examining pulses

yYet,” he snapped.

You’re distracting me, so ... please? [This one depends on how you want to say the sentence. Personally I thought you would have a brief pause after 'so', since the two words are not related. But again, it's just an opinion and it's up to you whether you want to add the ellipsis or not.]

“What does that ‘one’ have to do with this?” Red inquired. [Nothing wrong here; I just want to warn you the importance of consistency in the format. If throughout the story you're using single-quotes to emphasis a single word, then don't switch it to italics. On the other hand, if you're using italic here, then use italic throughout the story. It's always good to keep everything simple.]

Why are we here{{c:red}, how are we here, and what we are here for is a long talk. [Grammatically you should use 'are' instead of 'is', but conversationally, it's perfectly acceptable.]

just to find you playing with the currents.He grinned. “The future looks so bright.”

“Then, princess, I shall have my turn.”

Red had tossed the lightning rod to the side adjacent the entrance. The effect was immediate.

It was an act.

We could not use Red’s charm here.

Perfect. It was: Maria Antoinette Bluelace. [Again, this is just a matter of opinion. You can delete the name here, since you will mention it again later. If you put it here, readers will at least have a vague idea who Angelica actually is. If you don't put it here, you don't give readers any chance to guess what was written there. It's up to you what kind of effect you want to achieve with this one line.]

If the girl in the picture was alive, she would have melted from his gaze.

He will not hurt you, believe me. As for myself." I flicked the knife from my contraption.

Two exist that are possible. Two possibilities. [This sentence sounds clumsy. Another alternative will be 'Two possibilities exist.']



Comment:
Thanks for your story. I enjoy it a lot!




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4
4
Review of Silence  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonV* Remember *BalloonV*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Positive:
My very first impression when reading this story is that you really have a lot of things to say. I can really tell how well your imagination has worked to make this story, and that's excellent. Not everyone can summarise a large story into these few hundreds words. That's great!

However, I also believe it can be improved if you extend it a bit. Remember, in writing, we have the principal of 'show, not tell'. This means that instead of 'telling' how the story goes, it'd be much, much better if we show readers what's going on and place them in the main character's shoes. This will give more impact to the readers rather than simply telling the story. For example, instead of telling us that the main character was killed in the Second World War, you could begin the story at the point where s/he died, and then woke up again to find that s/he had been resurrected as a vampire. Even just a few lines will be enough for that, but it'll still give bigger impact to the readers.


And I love the idea of the story itself. *Smile* Seriously. I must admit I'm not a big fan of vampire stories, but I love fresh ideas, and I consider your story has an interesting basic idea for a longer story (perhaps a novel or even a movie). But to do that, you'll have to get even deeper into your characters by developing their pasts. What happened to them that made them who they were today? What actually made your main character a vampire? Did he get bitten by a vampire earlier? Perhaps it's a good idea to think about all these things, because it'll make your characters more believable. Remember, although you know your characters very well, your readers don't. So, for us to know your characters, we need you to tell us about them. That's the most fun part of being a writer. *Smile*


Speaking of which, who is your main character? Perhaps you've mentioned his/her name earlier, but I might've missed it. And is it male or female? Remember that 'nurse' is no longer a job specifically for female. There are male nurses. So, it's always important to tell your readers more about your main character.



Negative:
I must say it becomes a bit confusing when I moved from Chapter One to Chapter Two, because the perspective shifts from your main character to Carmilla. And both of them use first point-of-view, which makes it even more difficult to identify which one is the 'I' character. You can change Carmilla's chapters by using third point-of-view to make it easier to read, although you'll still need to 'tell' the readers that the points-of-view have shifted. It's important not to make your readers confused.


Also, I must admit I don't really know what happened at the end. How come his/her eyes fell to his/her hands? And what happened with his/her hair? I hope you can clarify these parts in the story, so the next readers wouldn't get as much confused as I was.


And here are some smaller details that might need improvement:
1. It is a strange phase of existence, that of being a vampire.

2. By now you, reader, are under the impression that I am A. absolutely helpless, and B. a nice person. Change into: By now you, reader, might be under the impression that I am (a) absolutely helpless, and (b) a nice person.

3. former nurse who's whose story has been like this?

4. I would that it was prettier, more like actual hair, but no. I don't understand this sentence.



Comment:
Overall, it's an interesting piece of story, although I believe you can still improve it in many ways. Rather than summarising everything into a short story, I think you can make a longer piece (like a novella, perhaps) from this story. But again, don't forget that it's all my opinion and I can be wrong, so it's up to you whether you want to change anything about this story. Hope this help.





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5
5
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Remember *Exclaim*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Impression:
It's a very interesting illustration of life and growing-up. When we were little, we still had our curiousity, and so we were still wondering if legends existed. But as we grew up, we abandoned our curiousity. We forgot how important childhood dreams were to us; thus, as you said it here, 'Why have people stopped believing?'

But I think the last stanza is the most important of all. 'See the magic of the moment.' Although we have lost the magic of our childhood, we can still believe in the magic of our present self -- be it teenager, adult or elder. Life still goes on; magic still works -- only in a different form. So, let's just see what tomorrow will bring.

At least, that's what I got from this poem of yours. *Pthb*


Structure:
Although this poem is a free-verse, I think it'd be great if you experiment a bit with the rhymes. Some of these already have rhymes (like 'lost' and 'cost', 'regret' and 'forget', 'now' and somehow'), so I think it's worth trying. Who knows? Maybe you'll make it even better than before.


Comment:
A nice poem with a very deep meaning. Keep up the great job!


*Candlep**Candleb**Candleg*
Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
Discover.
-- Mark Twain

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6
6
Review of Constellation  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Remember *Exclaim*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.


Welcome to WdC! Is this your first time getting an in-depth review? If so, then don't worry, I assure you not all reviews in WdC must be in-depth like this. The main point of a review in this site is to let the author know what you think about his or her story, so even a few words of compliment is enough -- although mentioning what can be different about it can help the author to learn something new. We are all benefited from reviewing: the reviewer can study others' works and the reviewee can see whether they have written well or not.


Positive:
It's a good short fiction! You have written many necessary elements into the story without confusing your readers. This can be very difficult, mind you, especially when the word limit is so tight. Thumbs up! *Thumbsup*

You've also shown your character's feeling very well. I can feel her anger when the rain fell. That's a good thing; you have shown the principle of 'show, don't tell' in your writing.


Negative:
Although not so much of a negative side, I'd suggest you to make a little experiment: Try to cut the whole description about Daniel and put it after your character believed she saw him again. I think it can give a better emphasis on the main problem in this story, as the readers are introduced to the looming shadow of this 'Daniel' -- thus raised questions on who this 'Daniel' is -- before introducing him. But you have to try it first and decide whether it works or not.

Check out the first two lines of your story, and try to put them in one line like 18th October 2009. That was the day Daniel disappeared. It doesn't change the meaning, of course; I just thought it will make the readers read these two sentences much faster. I can't see the reason of putting a space there. But, again, it's just my opinion and I may be wrong.

“I hope you’re happy(,)!” I screamed at the sky above me Use an exclamation mark here; it gives more emphasis than a full-stop.


Comment:
It's an interesting story! I'm sure it can be improved, but, well, all stories can be improved. Nothing is perfect.*Smile* As long as you keep writing, I'm sure your writing will get even better before you realised it.

Also, I'm curious with your title. Why do you name it 'Constellation'?

Good luck with your writing!



*Candlep**Candleb**Candleg*
Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
Discover.
-- Mark Twain

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7
7
Review of Chocolate Monster  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Remember *Exclaim*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Positive:
One thing that I must admit: I have to suppress my laugh when reading your story. If only I wasn't reading this in a public space, I would have laughed until my inside literally burst. Luckily I'm not, or else I'd have to go to a hospital this very moment.*Blush*

I really love your character! She seems ... I don't know, honest and silly at the same time. She denied her addiction at first, but when she admitted it, she admitted it by justifying her love for chocolate! And the description of chocolates here and there really works: it really gives an emphasis to what extent she loved -- no, worshiped -- chocolates. And the ending the best! It's really twisting and I'm still smiling about it when I write this.


Negative:
You might use too much italics. I admit some of them really works, especially when Natalie dreams about chocolates -- it gives the feeling of her being faraway, dreaming and/or thinking only about one thing: chocolate ... oh, her precious chocolate! Unfortunately, not all of them are necessary. You're using first-person view, and so the distinction between the character's thought and your thought -- the writer's thought -- has been blurred. For example, I don't think I wonder what she’d do if I stuck out my tongue? should be italicised. Try to read it all over again, and decide which needs to be un-italicised and which should be left as it is.

Unfortunately I manage to control myself Do you mean Fortunately? Because, from the way I read it, it makes more sense to me.

especially not with that hairy ape! Ah, here's another thing. If you want to emphasise a word in an un-italicised sentence, you can italicise it. However, if the sentence is already italicised (like this example), you can emphasis a word by un-italicising it. So, the sentence above can be: especially not with that hairy ape! See the word 'that' in the middle.


Comment:
A very hilarious story! You have a talent in writing a comedy! Careful for your choice of genres, though; I don't understand why you put 'Romance/Love' for the third genre. Natalie's love for chocolate seems more into an addiction than a romance. I'd say you take off or change that genre, because the reader who might be looking for Romance/Love might be interested with your story -- not because it's not good or anything, but because the genre doesn't match. Other than that, keep writing!


*Candlep**Candleb**Candleg*
Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
Discover.
-- Mark Twain

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8
8
Review of It's a game  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Remember *Exclaim*
What I put here is just an opinion and you may agree or disagree with it. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is up to you. This is your story and you know what's the best for it.



Positive:
What interests me the most is the main character, Avery Kane. From the way I see him, he seems to be a perfect example of cold-blooded murderer: calm, sadistic and enjoying every moment of his little 'game'. His victim's fear seems like a stimulant for him. Really, he gives me the creep.

One improvement that I can think of about his character is about his bloodlust and tidiness. Did he like to have blood splattering all over his body, or he preferred to do a nice, clean job? From the way I read him, he can be both, though perhaps a 'nice, clean murderer' might be more terrifying than the one full of blood -- for me, at least.

And the song! It's really interesting that you provide a song here. Does the song really exists? It sure sounds like a perfect soundtrack for his character.

What I can suggest about the song is only the formatting. It'd be better if you format it a bit so that your readers can distinguish the song from the rest of the body paragraph. Perhaps by giving some indentation and/or italicisation.


Negative:
Not necessarily a negative point: you might want to explore the motif behind these murders. Why does Avery want to kill the boy in the first place? Even a bloodthirsty murderer needs a reason to kill, regardless of how insignificant it might be. Maybe he's an assassin? Maybe he wants to take revenge? Maybe he just gets bored and wants to do some exercise? An illogical reason can be very chilling, too.

Another thing that annoys me: at the beginning Avery seems all happy and enjoying his murders, but then he seems all short-tempered and, perhaps, snappy. I can see there's a reason for him to be angry, though I think it'd be better if he suppressed his anger and killed him 'playfully'. It'd be scarier, really, to see someone killing with a broad smile than with terrible rage. He seems more like homicide-addict.

An additional comment on formatting: please put on a blank space between each paragraph. Though it doesn't affect the story, it would ease those who want to read your stories. Reading on a computer hurts the eyes, and some blank space can be very helpful.


Comment:
A very good story, and after some editing I'm sure it can be better. Good luck with your future writing!


*Candlep**Candleb**Candleg*
Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
Discover.
-- Mark Twain

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9
9
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
What I put here is just an opinion, and you may agree or disagree. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is also your choice. After all, this is your story, and you know what's the best for it.*Smile*


Positive:
This is the best remaking of Snow White I have read for a long time! The strongest point that I like so very much is the wicked stepmother -- only she's so wicked anymore! I must admit, although I know the original story, by changing this one vital character you have left me really wondering what's gonna happen next. She's no longer an antagonist, but her role in the story is still more important than ever. And, indeed, you describe her very well as a good witch, and at the same time following the original story, including her magic mirror (though I can't say it's magical or not) and the apple.

The moral of the story, from the way I perceive it, has also changed. Instead of 'be a good girl and a good prince will come' -- a very cliche moral in fairy tales -- it now becomes 'old magic must be replaced by new magic'. I must say I like it better. *Smile*


Negative:
It's not so much of a negative point, but I just wanted to mention something about the dwarves' names. They're all following the days of the week, I assume? I did not realise it until the half of the story, and it made me confused at first when you said: That Sunday, Blanca was letting Monday beat her at checkers. I must admit this sentence sounds funny, but it is also a little bit confusing. But, again, that confusion doesn't have to be a negative point.


Comment:
Nice story, good idea of the story based on an old fairy tale. Keep up the good work!


*Candlep**Candleb**Candleg*
Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream.
Discover.
-- Mark Twain

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10
10
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What I put here is just an opinion, and you may agree or disagree. Whether you want to use my suggestion or not is also your choice. After all, this is your story, and you know what's the best for it.*Smile*


Narrative:
A nice twist of event! Honestly speaking, I had been afraid that it was Goldi who would get cooked. She still survives, apparently. *Wink*

The idea of a loving bear is very new to me. In a way, it sounds a bit like the idea of racism and discrimination, with the bear being barbarous and unable to show her motherly side.

I do wonder, though, what actually happened to Goldilocks' human parents? What's with them getting trampled by a giant? Is it a reference to another fairy tale?


Character:
What interests me the most is how you did not present Goldilocks in this short story. Even though this is her story, and she becomes the debate topic between the Mother Bear and the man, her lack of appearance makes me wondering what she's actually doing at that moment. But it's good, in a way, because that also means the story won't present cannibalism. It's a good choice not present her.

Mother Bear looks just like a motherly woman who cares about her children, while the man, despite his forced politeness, looks like a bad guy who just sees her based on his prejudice. But, as the ending suggests, she actually isn't so 'helpless mother' after all! The little man must regret his choice for visiting the Bears in the first place.


Grammar:
No grammar mistake that I can find.


*Jackolantern* Bored? *Jackolantern*
Type "chemical name for Titin" in Google and read it aloud!
Whoever can read it without making mistakes wins the World's Record!


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11
11
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
QUICK REVIEW


Hi! This is a review for "Invalid Item. I have read both chapters and just think that I should give you a bit of my opinion.

I like the idea of the story itself. The idea of the world is in crisis and how you base everything on reality are very cool, I think. Honestly speaking, not many people can do that: combining both fiction and reality to make one new story. At least, I know i can't.*Blush*

However, I still have no idea what the story is about. All I can think of is that the world is in crisis after a terrorist attack in 2012 Summit, and Lazarus Goodman comes up and becomes a saviour. And, to be honest, I don't even know what Lazarus actually does that makes him a hero. Perhaps you want to clarify that a little bit.

Well, because the story itself is not complete, I'm afraid i can't say much at this point. I better wait for the rest of the book before giving further opinion on how the story is like. Please tell me if you have posted a new chapter.


*Bigsmile* Keep Smiling! *Bigsmile*
"One smile every day keeps the gravedigger away"
12
12
Review of Bessamare Bay  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
'Twas an interesting story! I like how the story itself is both mysterious and elegant at the same time. You've done a really good job with the choices of your words, all of which sound so gracefully after you wove it all together. The flow of the story is perfect. It's really worth to read it!

I must admit, though, I got confused with that this story is about until the very last paragraph. Then everything becomes clear. This is what I love the most: you can make your readers questioning the meaning behind the story, and then BANG! you explain it all in a few words. It's amazing how you managed to do it! You're the best!*Laugh*


*Bigsmile* Keep Smiling! *Bigsmile*
"One smile every day keeps the gravedigger away"

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13
13
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Rating:
And your rating is... 4.0! Congratulation! I like it how you can put all of these little descriptions and keep the mysterious feeling there -- it does feel like a "lonely" home! At first I thought it would be a haunted house or something. But as the story reaches the ending, you immediately turned it into a rather "classical but abandoned" house! Wicked*Bigsmile*!


Narrative:
The very first thing I want to suggest is to put a hard break between each paragraph, and this means leave an empty space every time you change paragraph, as it can help your readers to read your story more easily. You will notice that most stories here are put that way. It's always better to make readers understand what you're trying to write.

Secondly, I also notice that you've tried to use an indent to improve the legibility of your story. And that's fantastic! Not many people do that around here! Consider, though, instead of pressing space again and again, it would be easier if you use {indent}. You can find it in the writing tool above your content box. It's much simpler, and you'll hardly make a mistake by giving different spaces. Very useful*Smile*.


Okay, above is just a few technical basics. Now let's move to the story itself, shall we?*Smile*

You've put the flow nicely, and the rhythm itself is awesome. I can even feel the "lonely" emotion you've put in this story. It's cool*Bigsmile*!

However, there are a few details that I think can be improved. Please remember that these are just my opinion, and whether you want to use it or not is up to you.


But it’s nice. Or at least, it used to be.
I'd suggest you to combine these two sentences. You can use either a dash or a comma, but considering the intended rhythm in this sentence, I'd say that it'd be wiser to use a dash, like: But it’s nice -- or, at least, it used to be.


One says the electricity will be cancelled in two weeks.
I understand that you want to avoid mentioning anyone's name at this point, but putting it like this might make it a bit awkward. I'd suggest replacing "one" with "rumor" to make it sounds better, like:

Rumor says that the electricity will be cancelled in two weeks.
Not very different, but just to make it sound slightly better*Smile*.


Two of them are bedrooms. One leads into the only bathroom.
Similar with the first one here, I'd suggest you to combine these sentences. But this time, it might be better to use word "while" between them.

Two of them are bedrooms, while the other leads into the only bathroom.


Remember, these are just suggestions. And were I to make a mistake here, you can email me to protest*Smile*.


Character:
Unfortunately, there's nothing I can say here. The story's focus is on the house itself, and without any character that's taking part inside the story. There are, indeed, but both the mother and son just make a very brief cameo that I can't tell how their personalities are. It's not a wrong thing, of course. After all, a descriptive fiction doesn't have to have a character*Smile*.


Grammar:
1. There are small bushes lining outside the house

2. The hallway is even darker than the kitchen, with not without even a any window to lighten it up.

3. But one can still make out the pictures on the wall. This sentence is a bit confusing. Do you mean see the pictures on the wall?

4. By then, the house will be sold. This part is also confusing. Does it mean the house will be sold after the son comes back, or it will have been sold by the time he comes back? Consider revising.


*Sun*SEE YOU AROUND!!!*Moon*
"Because all stories are worth-writing..." (Gifford, 2006)

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14
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Dark_warrior ! Welcome to Writing.com! And for your gift, this is your very first review*Bigsmile*!

Do remember, however, that this is an in-depth review, which is why I cover all of the details and overall tales. Not all reviews are like this -- you may also leave a short, brief opinion to the author, and I'm sure they will appreciate it. For the beginning, it might be wise to start with that kind of review, until you're used to it and know what you should talk about (you can get better by practice*Smile*!), and you may start your own in-depth review! Don't have to wait too long -- as long as you're ready, you can start it anytime! remember: we're also learning by reviewing others' works!

Also remember, no review can be perfect. If I pointed one mistake, but in your opinion it's correct or you have a reason to use it, you may keep it. You're still the boss of your own work, and the best others can is offering a suggestion*Smile*.

Okay, that's the introduction. And now to the review....


Rating:
Your rating is... 4.0! You're very good in description, especially by the time you write about the dead woman. So full of horrible details that I can almost imagine it -- wicked*Bigsmile*!

The only problem with your story is its balance, tenses, a little bit of flow, and grammar. I will explain it in detail below.


Narrative:
The first thing I want to mention is the balance of your story. As I read it, I get an impression that this is just a part of a longer story. The ending seems a little bit "hanging", as if there was something else after that but you cut it away. And this can be a bit of a problem, because it makes the story itself a little bit inconsistent with the title. Most people who read your title will expect to see a chilling ending a la detective movies (a bit of French*Blush*), and I would say you better satisfy them. And so, I believe it can be a little bit better if you want to work on it once again. Keep writing*Smile*!

In addition, you may also choose not to extend the story any longer, as you want to end the story right there. If that's the case, it's also okay! You can improve it by shortening the opening scene, at least until it's shorter than the description of the crime scene. No need to start the story from Detective Lopez sleeping; you can start right when she had just arrived in the crime scene. You may also want to change the title a bit, of course, and the story is now a descriptive story -- the one which I find is rarely known by most people, but does exist. You can see that it's no longer a story of Detective Lopez (though you may keep her as the lead character; for example, as the witness), and become a description of horrible death of the woman.

Of course, there are lots of other possibilities of how the story can go, and it's all up to you to use them*Smile*!


The second thing I want to mention here is the tenses. I know "tense" is usually a matter of grammar (which means I should put them in the Grammar section below), but this time, what I want to focus on is the consistency of the tenses.

As the story begins (Detective Lopez was in a deep sleep...), you're still using past tense. However, as the story goes, it changes to present tense almost in instant(Flipping it open she says... and She turns on her car and pulls out of her drive way...).

I would suggest you to stick with just one tense (with exceptions, of course, like for the direct sentences, general truth, etc). I would say it should be past tense, as most of the fictional stories with third-point of view use it. It can be a good idea to correct them all. Don't worry to make mistakes -- no mistakes, no learning*Smile*.


For the last thing in this section, I just want to say that -- probably -- you offer too much details in your story.

As I have said before, you're very good at describing details. And that's very great, of course -- not everyone has that talent! Nevertheless, do remember that the best way to tell a story is not to tell them what happens, but involve them to imagine what happens. Imagination is a trump card of a writer -- not only writer's imagination, but also reader's imagination.

To clarify what I mean, I suggest you check these sentences:
Standing up she then heads out of the door grabbing her case and her keys. Locking the door behind her she carefully heads out for her car and gets in.

Readers, in fact, may have imagined that she will lock the door and approach her car just from knowing she's going out. You don't have to explain it twice -- though I indeed agree you should give them an brief explanation to emphasize how you want them to think -- and let them imagining it. Try to do what you have done perfectly well at the crime scene's description: you put enough -- not too much but just enough -- explanation on what Detective Lopez saw, and readers start imagining it in their own version. Trust me: what they imagine is a lot scarier than what you make them to imagine. Their imagination will reflect their own fear, and it's more essential than anything*Smile*!

Of course, for this one, I must admit that it's quite difficult to do. All writers will have to deal with this sooner and later, and that will never get any easier. Knowing what you don't put is even harder than what you put, and to be honest, I'm impressed you're able to make it rightly at the crime scene's description. I remember struggling even harder than you*Frown*.


Character:
There are actually three essential characters here: Detective Lopez as the lead character, the mysterious person who informed her about the murder case (even though his identity is never clear, without him around, the story cannot go on), and the victim herself.

Nevertheless, there's barely any information about the second and the latter, and so I can't say anything much about them. That's why, for this review, I will just focus on Detective Lopez character. However, there's also too little description on her character that I can't really understand her character too much, but this may be because this story is considerably short in length. And that's also why, here, I will just say my impression on her.

First of all, Detective Lopez is responsible. She was sleeping back then, but once she heard her job calling, she woke up and started preparing herself without wasting too much money. She's also very efficient -- knowing that she had a job to do, she skipped the bath and breakfast (if it was in the morning, of course, though I get impression it was happening in the middle of night), wash her face, put make up just as necessary, and quickly went to the scene. I can also say that she has a great control upon herself -- she first thought it was a mere crime like a theft whatsoever, but when it turned out to be a horrible crime, she wasn't shocked or surprised too much (though indeed, you mentioned that she was not prepared for what she saw) and immediately started working. She's an awesome, strong-willed woman, I must say*Smile*.

However, other than that, I can't see deeper of her personality. It's true I can tell little about her character, but it's far too soon to say how she reacted, behaved and interacted with the others. It might be a good idea to strengthen her character, if you wanted to make this story longer.


Grammar:
Finally, the last section: grammar*Smile*!

To be honest, aside of the tenses mistake I mentioned before, I didn't find too much grammatical errors. I would say your biggest problem is in narrative of the story, not grammar. However, you may also consider these little things, just to make sure your story is even more perfect than ever.

1. Detective Lopez was in a deep sleep but was troubled, she would twist and turns in her sleep and sweat was starting to form on her brow.
I believe this sentence is not too effective to use. It could be better if you separated them into two smaller sentences, such as Detective Lopez was in a deep sleep but troubled. She would twist and turn in her sleep, and sweat was starting to form on her brow.
In addition, you may also change the underlined phrase to give better emphasis on how unwell her sleep was. You can decide for that*Smile*.

2. Her lips pulls into a grimace in her sleep.... Aside of its tenses problem, I would also say that you can remove the words "in her sleep". Avoid redundancy; you have told it in the previous sentence, so you don't have to tell them twice in a very short period.

3. ...to force herself awake, when she thought she couldn’t wake up.... Change the comma into full stop, and start a new sentence.

4. “ give me the address and give me 30 Minutes and I will be there as fast as I can.” You repeat word "and" too much here. You have two options to fix it:
(a)Delete the underlined "and", and then start a new sentence(recommended). For example: “Give me the address and 30 minutes. I'll be there as fast as I can.”

(b)Separate the second using comma. For example: “Give me the address and 30 minutes, and I'll be there as fast as I can.”



Okay, that's all the review. I hope you found it helpful*Bigsmile*!


*Sun*SEE YOU AROUND!!!*Moon*
"Because all stories are worth-writing..." (Gifford, 2006)

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15
Review of Untitled  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Well, I know slightly better if it comes to short story*Smile*.

Rating:
The reason I give you this rating isn't because it's boring or anything, but simply because I found plenty of ineffective clauses and less-emphasized phrases. I will explain it deeper in the next section.


Narrative:
Note that this story actually flows quite slowly, with the only event that's going on is an old person (I don't know it's he or she) having more cigarette than allowed. And as you can see from what I have just said, you actually have succeeded to give an impression that the character is actually quite old, and this is quite emphasized in the phrase "The smoke curls up from between my trembling fingers". This is why I give you a bonus point -- it's very simple, and yet effective.

Yet, not all of them is as effective as this. I believe you use too many shorten clauses, and this just disturbs the flow a little. An example of this is the first sentence:

The smoke curls up from between my trembling fingers, dancing in the breeze of the whining AC, taunting me to go ahead and inhale, deep and slow, lifting the cigarette to my lips.

You can actually separate it into smaller sentences, like:

The smoke curls up from between my trembling fingers, dancing in the breeze of the whining AC. And as I'm looking down at that little cigarette on my hand, I notice how it taunts me to go ahead and inhale.

You can use more variations, of course, but also notice that lifting the cigarette to my lips is actually meant to the smoker, but the way you said it, it's almost as if the cigarette is the one who is about to do it. Watch out in these little details.


Other than that, you might also want to check this clause:

knowing that I should stop but not yet allowing myself to make that choice.

As a matter of fact, you do have told us about this in the previous sentence, so it's actually rather redundant. You might want to revise it, too.


Remember, you can choose whether to use my suggestion or not. It's still your story, and I'm here just to help you out with it*Smile*!


Character:
Nothing much to say here. From what I get, the smoker is rather stubborn and quite old (just like what I have said before),though I also get impression that he couldn't care less about this world. The last sentence actually suggests that he's dying, and the cause of this is probably a cancer from too much smoking. And yet, instead of stopping what he was doing, he couldn't resist the influence of cigarette. Yes, I can say that he's completely addicted to it*Frown*.


Grammar:
1. It is a stale, damp, familiar taste, like fresh cut grass in the morning and something sad I think it would be better like It has a stale, damp and familiar taste -- like a fresh cut grass in the morning..s. I don't understand the meaning of "something sad", though*Frown*.

2. I cough, the smoke an only too familiar black dragon trying to claw its way out of me. This sentence is rather confusing, but I believe you would have to take off the "I cough" clause and make it an independent sentence, and then repair the rest of it.

Oh, in addition, maybe you want to change "black dragon" metaphor. I don't think a dying old man usually uses that kind of metaphor. You might have to change it a little.

3. ...why not to finish this pack; it has always been my reason to stop, but I return. Try "keep returning" instead.

4. and I can't help but snuff out this butt and reach for the next. I'm not entirely sure about this one, but I believe it should be "snuffing".

5. so I can feel full, complete, and maybe, for once, somewhat happy. It's also rather redundant. How about "and, for once, happy"?

6. and I have to attempt to hide the evidence of my sins. I believe "and I have to hide the evidence of my sins" has been clear.


*Sun*SEE YOU AROUND!!!*Moon*
"Because all stories are worth-writing..." (Gifford, n.d.)


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16
16
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Again, sorry if this review isn't very detailed. I lack of experience in poetry*Blush*! What I put here is just my opinion, and you might want to seek someone who's more experienced to see it again for you.

Rating:
I like the intonation. You end each line using "you", except for the third lines. I can really feel that there is a deeper meaning inside the poem, and I was right: the answer just came out at the latest line*Smile*!


Narrative:
I'm not sure whether you do it on purpose or not, but I notice only the third section (I don't know how to call it*Pthb*) of which the third line ends with "you". Maybe you better check that part again; though, again, it may be indeed like that.

And, if you like, I think you can replace the comma in the last line with colon. I think that would give better emphasis to the line. Well, it's up to you to use it or not*Smile*.


Character: <Nothing much to say here>


Grammar: <I found no error>


*Sun*SEE YOU AROUND!!!*Moon*
"Because all stories are worth-writing..." (Gifford, n.d.)


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17
17
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rating:
To bad you can't post it for the contest -- it's very amazing! I bet you can win*Frown*!

Well, what's the big deal? That moment has passed, but doesn't mean your chance has gone. It's still a wonderful story*Bigsmile*!


Narrative:
As a matter of fact, when I red your story, I can feel the sense of "classical" in it -- as if thing story did happen in the olden time. That's just amazing! And the ending is also awesome -- it has mysterious feeling around it, and leaves the readers still questioning what's the meaning of this story. Cool!

I think it actually can be a good prologue for a novel or novella. If you decide to continue it, let me know. I'd love read the next of it*Smile*.


Character:
Basically, this story has 3 major characters: the gossipers, who actually have quite similar personality to one another; Hunter, who's actually much more tolerant than them and nearly agrees to give a chance to the mysterious woman; and the mysterious woman herself. There's nothing much to say about them, except what I have stated above, and this is also what makes it more like just a prologue of the story.

Heck, I still like it*Smile*.


Grammar:
I only found this one little error! Wicked*Smile*!

Why she’d probably hex the first person to speak to her. Put comma after "why". I think you just accidentally missed it.


You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work. If you'd like to contact us or request a review of one of your own items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum [E] and let us know!

*Smile*GREAT JOB!!!*Frown*


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18
18
Review of The Thread Box  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, if you ask my opinion, it can be a short story---no matter it was based on true story or not. If yes, you can put "experience" as genre or put "Based on true story" in the short summary of your story. Well, that's my opinion*Smile*.


Rating:
The whole story, I must say, is very great. There are very few mistakes I found, yet not the serious ones. After you correct these errors, I'd say that this story deserves 5.0 rating.


Narrative:
The flow of the story has been good. It paces slowly and therefore emphasizes the feeling of "losing the beloved ones". I can also "feel" the story and the steps of the character's emotion flowing around bit by bit. Overall, you have put it perfectly.

However, there are few suggestions that I think can improve the story. This is just suggestion---whether you want to use it or not is still your choice.

I entered grandma’s small one bedroom apartment, feeling like an intruder.
Not a wrong sentence at all, actually, but I think you can improve the flow by adding "somewhat" or "somehow" or something similar, before word "feeling". I say this because the main clause and this phrase is a bit opposite each other in meaning, so I'd suggest you to add something to "alter" the meaning.

Time…funny thing that.
I'm not sure whether it's a typo or not, but, by using these phrases, you give a better sense of disoriented and sadness, making the character feels a bit confused to even use a clear order in his/her words. Consider, though, to put "Time... what a funny thing." if you want to give a better order in words.

By the way, if you use this suggestion for the latter, you will also give a sense of sarcasm. You better consider it, too, before choosing. After all, I can't say that the one you use is wrong.


Character:
There is only one major character in this story---the "I" character---though the grandmother, mother and daughter are also mentioned. However, I'll focus this review on the first one, as he/she is the one who's most developed as the story goes on.

I can see that the "I" character is in grief of losing his/her beloved ones. Nevertheless, he/she also has self-control to not be crying out loud in the storyline, and instead more to "reminisce" the memories. This also shows the timespace between the tragedies and the birth of the daughter. You have done well in developing his/her character in a very short story.


Grammar:
“Why didn’t you come live with us? I think it should be "come to live", instead of "come live".

She was spunky enough she just might find a way to do that. This sentence is a bit confusing. Do you mean "If she was spunky enough, she just might..."?


*Smile*SEE YOU AROUND!!!*Frown*


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19
19
Review of nonsense poem  
Rated: E | (5.0)
BULLs***LY AWESOME*Smile*!!! Hee, hee! Please notice, I give you a great rate cuz I like nonsense, but I don't understand it at all! Wheeeee!

...Well, anyhow... it's pure nonsense, huh*Smile*? What the hell "boomalaka" and "mwaarp" are?!
20
20
Review of Everyone  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, I can't say I really understand your story. It's so confusing, but remembering it's still just a draft, I guess it still can be tolerated. You better finish it quickly, then*Smile*.

Oh, by the way, I can see just perfectly that this is just some kind of first chapter. But which is the next chapter? Sorry to say, but I can't find it by myself*Frown*.

Weeeeeeell, since it's not complete yet, I can't really talk much about it. But, by the way, there're still too many small grammatical errors, like “'Give it back'” (I believe you forgot to press the "!" button!) and "'Sorry I can not, Edith ordered me..." (I think you mean of using full-stop, not comma) and "...and walking away, the people around him hiding..." (same here!) and “My names, Azubah, brother!" (I think you mean "My name's Azubah, brother!" Minor mistake again) et cetera. Oh, by the way, I guess you better put the "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" row in the center, so it won't disturb the main story itself. Some addition space is also good.

For all, the idea of this story has been good--andconfusing*Smile*--enough. It's very good in making the readers to be curious and wanna read more and more. What I can't understand is why you choose "Everyone" as your title. Seriously, I can't see any connection there*Frown*.
21
21
Review of Ever After  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! What a neat-O! I must admit, when I just red the beginning of your poem, I thought it was just a simple, goody-goody poem about fairytales. Well, you have proved me wrong--this one is A LOT deeper than just "happily ever after". Yay!

I like your idea of that meanie "Prince Charming". It just expresses something I like: the true things behind of the nicety and naivety. Who said the fairytales ever ended happy? Tell it to them, pal*Laugh*!

NOTE: Wow, you are cool, being able to make such poetry in this form! How can you do that?!
22
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Review of Our Stories  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmm... I don't really get it. Does that mean of BEFORE going to somewhere?

Still, I found this story adorable*Smile*. I like how it began--with questions that I can't truly understand, but sounds fun on my ears. I'd like to find the answer, really, for I never know it by myself.

...By the way, what do you mean with "baby eyes"? What baby? Baby Jesus?

NOTE: I like your last two words*Smile*.
23
23
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, a GREAT thinking you put here! BVad TV! BAAAAAD TV!!!

Aw, I like this poem of yours very, very much. It's so fun to be read and interactive, especially these ones: "The TV wants you to have acne" and "He wants to keep us like zombies, feeding off whatever he gives". Oh man, why TV wants us to have acne? So that we will buy the product to eliminate it?!

Nice words, the last rows are*Smile*.
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24
Review of The Suitcase  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I want my ass back! I can't live without 'im*Shock*!

...Aw, enough the s***ty blabber. Anyway, I must admit, I LIKE THIS STORY SO MUCH!!! What a damned luck, eh, finding a big suitcase full-of-money, and ended up dying for survival{e;smile}? Heh, heh! His fear makes me laugh! A nice idea you have there! I can even say you watch TV and read much, eh? You use so many quotation here and there, and I think that's cool*Smile*.

...Only TWO thing I can't understand--you also quoted CHICKEN LITTLE?! Not that it's not allowed, actually, but... man, this guy was not the type who watched cartoon at all! It DOES make clash with the story! Thus, I don't think placing it under the comedy genre is a good idea. People who wanna read this kind of story might search it on "Crime/Gengster" genre. Maybe you should put THAT as the third genre. BUT, aside these ones, I think everything's so neat-O*Smile*.

NOTE: ...So, who is Gertie and Bertie, anyway? The previous owners of that doomed suitcase?
25
25
Review of Poetry  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ummm, can you just seperate these poems in different documents, please? It can be much easier to read that way.

...Ahem. Well, anyway, cuz you have FOUR poems here, so I'll give you FOUR reviews, combined together here. That's the agreement. For myself, at least. But don't think other people might think in the same way, so I'll still suggest you to seperate them (except if you have reached the limit of your portfolio size, that is).

1. Easy?: Aw, this is the shortest one! Still, I think you still didn't "emphasize" the sense of the poem, and that's resulted in the lack of "meaning" of this one. Still, I'd say this one is cool, especially the very last sentence! It's so Goddamn cool, man*Smile*!

...By the way, I think you miss to press the coma button between "It’s the picking up of the phone" and "to call that’s hard." Correct me if I'm wrong.

2. Mammaw: I ABSOLUTELY like the 9th until 13th rows! ("Family. What a wonderful word. Simple. Short. But says it all.") It really is so meaningful! My Gawd, those are great words you chose! It reminds me how important family is, and how un-CHANGE-able it is! Wheeee*Smile*!

...What does "Mammaw" means?

3. Love: ...Umm, I'll just suggest you to improve the title a little bit. It has been too common and boring, considering of how often it is used. A title that is used too much will just weaken the readers' interest (except for that word's maniac, maybe). I really mean it.

For the poem itself... God, I love 20th row! ("For I do not know his mind.") It's sooooo beautiful and neat-O! It really shows the desperation of that woman, along with its confusion of what that man really thinks about her! All part of this poem does, BUT this row is the one which shows it most!

NOTE: I like this poem most*Smile*.

4. Why?: Hmmm... I don't understand the 16th until19th rows. I don't really know what their means are, but they are really cool*Smile*. Dunno why, it really works as a combination of confusion and foggy mind, which still is "questioning" the real existence. These poems really are taken from your own life, aren't they*Smirk*?

For this poem, the one I like the most is this one: "Cause hope is contagious". I'm too lazy to count what row it is*Pthb*. Still, it's SO full of spirit and conscious, if you know what I mean. Really, it's supeeeeeeer!

Thus, though I really explain why, I also like the third row from below. ("Too bad we can’t control a damn thing.") Maybe cuz of there's a bad word here. Still, if you put THIS word, that means you have to change the rating of this poem. Kids must not read BAD words*Smile*.

*Bigsmile*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*Sick*


Whew, at last it's all done! Oh my, my back hurts! This is the very first time I make a review this long....

Okay, like I've said to you, you should seperate all of these poems. Though you wrote "This will be added to so check back often!" on your title, you better not really hope a reader will often come to check it. They MAY check it, but doesn't mean you HAVE added it. They will get bored eventually, and may be it's resulted in losing one of your readers. Remember, regardless of how diligent he/she is, human always wants to get an easy way*Smile*.

Good luck!
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