*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: ON
2,480 Public Reviews Given
2,587 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A newlywed couple is finding it difficult to find time together. Susie goes to her mother for advice and her mother suggests going to church on Jake's one day off from work. After agreeing to try out to be youth ministers, the couple find out how difficult abstinence can really be.

What stood out ~
I loved Jake's descriptions of why they only made it through 29 days. Each description or shall I say excuse, had me laughing. Isn't it always the littlest of things that tend to push us on?

Things to work on ~
"No, No we were okay, -- you used the No, No twice. I think either it should be No, no - or No. No we were okay. The caps together that way don't look right.

Personal Impressions ~
Cute story. If fidgeting is a way to show a lack of sex, then man I really need to be paying more attention to my surroundings! I liked how the best to distract Jake was to hit the grocery store, as everything Susie seemed to be doing at home was only making it worse for him. I had a nice visual of the pair dashing out of the story not being able to stand it for one more minute. I laughed every time Jake gave the Pastor more insight into the reasons why they couldn't hold out any longer. And especially that they are no longer welcome at the grocery store. Solid story. Write on!

This would be my name.
177
177
Review of Double Wide  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Ah a real trip to the Walmart. Nobody does it better from what I've witnessed myself and you made that point very clear. The poem had good flow and the rhyme scheme from one stanza to the next were spot on.

What stood out ~
I must say there was a lot that caught my attention. The imagery of those leopard print leggings with a neon green thong screaming out from beneath is still sitting in my mind and I can't get the image out! Once I finished reading, and laughing I noticed the picture you included for this poem and that delivered as well.

Things to work on ~
I could find nothing that should be changed. The entire poem worked as the story unfolded of how he found his double-wide.

Personal Impressions ~
I am still laughing over the last stanza. You incorporated the perceptions for Rednecks wonderfully. Good comedic timing throughout. I'm still surprised he abandoned his cart of beer, so she really must have been something. One little trip to the store and it turned into a lifelong relationship. Stranger things have happened. One never knows what one will find on a trip to Walmart. For you found the inspiration to write and share this unique poem. I don't think I will be forgetting this one any time soon. Now that's staying power! Nicely done. Write on!

This would be my name.
178
178
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*NoteV* Story ~
Adam wakes and finds he cannot get out of his room no matter how hard he tries. The door won't budge, the windows are stuck, he has no phone, and his neighbors prefer to pretend like no one else lives in the building.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Emma is the little girl who appears and helps Adam figure out what's going on. She's miserable, with a sense of humor and doesn't beat around the bush at all. Very direct for a child, which is very refreshing. Adam is stunned to learn of his fate. He asks the right questions, but Emma can only give him so much in the form of an answer, directing him to his path. The pair form a slight friendship because of their circumstances, Adam giving Emma something she hasn't had in a long time, someone who shows an interest in her for a change.

*NoteV* Issues ~
The absence of a lock made it fair to guess that the door led into and adjoining room instead of a public hallway.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
Intriguing tale about death and the afterlife, asking all of the right questions, but not being able to answer them fully. How much does one believe, and if the things one believes happens after death is really how it is? You have two strong characters that made it easy to become engrossed in the tale. The added elements of humor helped to make this story memorable as well. It definitely gets you thinking, wondering about what comes next. Thanks for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
179
179
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Charlie lives with Ben, who fixes clocks for a living. Ben comes home and begins to tell him a tale of the richest man in London being locked in his house and in need of rescuing. Ben relays the tale as he collects his tools and asks Charlie to take notes because he thinks it will be a good story.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Ben and Charlie have a nice, steady, and humorous rapport. Charlie does tend to be annoyed with all of the tools and clock parts that clutter the apartment. They are funny pair, excited about things as they speak with each other. Charlie tends to interrupt Ben when he tells a story, and Charlie's inner dialog was perfect, adding to the dynamics of the story.

*NoteV* Issues ~
But leaving aside the all the grand adventures and capital the air fleet represented
~~This was the only issue I found. The only thing I would mention would be the over use of exclamation points. Other than that, the story had great flow and descriptions.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
I enjoyed this story. You had enough going on that pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to read the next chapter. The time period worked well. The dialog took me back to that place and time. I loved the humor you incorporated into the story. You described Ben very well, I could picture him frenzied going through what he would need to go rescue the family trapped inside their house. A little suspense going on as well. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
180
180
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Three friends sit on their usual park bench talking after college finals. On occasion they don't to seem to have a lot in common, but I've discovered how wrong my as
{c}

*NoteG* Characters ~
Johnny's character is newly introduced. He's a basketball player, good enough to have dreams of playing in the NBA, but his skills when it comes to school are at the bottom of the totem pole. Tim is back, mostly paying attention to what's being said and giving Johnny an ego boost.

*NoteV* Issues ~
Don't think I failed but I don't think I scored to too high either."

I think your sentence structure could use some work. Some are too long, and there is overuse of the ellipsis'. You can do without most of them.

*NoteG* Impressions ~
I wondered with Tim and Johnny looked like. I did get good insight into their personalities, but not enough detail to have a good picture in my mind for either of them.

I liked that Johnny stepped up to help T. There's nothing like getting honest feedback from the ones closest to us. You have all you need to really make this an intriguing story. Remember to try and picture the scene, write the things that are going on around your main character. You have your characters thoughts down. What about their mannerisms? How do they react with things that being said by their peers? Adding all of these little elements into your story. When you switch from one character talking to the next, remember to use a new paragraph letting your reader know there's a change coming with someone speaking.
{c}.
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
181
181
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Two friends sit on a park bench mulling over life and discussing how random things that happen in the world are.

*NoteG* Characters ~
Tim likes to ponder everything going on around him, tries to dig deep and figure out if there are patterns or not. T has a sense of humor, but loves to try and prove Tim wrong, if possible, and goes out the way to do so.

*NoteV* Issues ~
"Everything. It’s all random." Still fixated on whatever he was looking at "You see them over there?" He pointed to the old couple. <--this can go one of two ways. ," he said still fixated...or ...whatever he was looking and said, "You see

[line break]"Yeah, I see em', what does that have to do with random?"

"Just look at them, they're so happy together and they've probably been together for a long
Time, I bet they think they're <--no cap on Time and it the sentence is broken up.

"Ok, you're probably right about that one but, I don't see <--comma goes before 'but'

he turned back to look at the old couple <--capitalize He

*NoteG* Impressions ~
It's an interesting concept. Writing conversations can be a little bit difficult. Think about adding more dialog tags as well as T's thoughts on things. Does T react to what Tim is saying? Show that. What's the weather like? Is the grass dying or a vibrant green. use description to really pull your reader in so that they can picture the scene as if it were playing out like a movie in their mind. You have five senses you can incorporate into your writing. The more you add, the more well rounded the story becomes.
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
182
182
Rated: E | (5.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
I loved this interview with Lyn's a sly fox . It is clear you'd done your homework and knew enough about her to ask some interesting questions as well as getting feedback from her that was solid.
*ThumbsUpL*



*NoteV* Impressions ~
Through your interview questions I realized I learned so much about her that I didn't know about. She was very open and honest, didn't beat around the bush about anything, when she could have. I love the quote, 'dance like no one's watching." How insightful this must have been for you to get an in depth look into someone from writing.com. We always find people on site that we click with, chat with, but how often do we really take the time to get to know them on a deeper, more personally level? You did that with your clear questions that left room for more than just a few words for response. I liked that you didn't just tell us what activities Lyn was into, but linked everything so that anyone through the interview had easy access and could check out the activities if they chose to do so. My only complaint was that I found myself wanting to know more, which is always a good thing! Thanks for keeping this in your port so that others can catch a glimpse into Lyn's world.

And if I forgot to say it earlier on my last review...Happy 15 Years on WdC!!! Enjoy your special day.


"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?- !
183
183
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
Emotional piece about abuse, not an easy thing to write about so kudos to you for going for it. Movies have a tendency to portray the happily every after, which isn't always a bad thing. But it gives us expectations of what our romantic lives should entail, which makes relationships even more difficult sometimes. It's difficult for people in abusive situations to not blame themselves for the actions of their abusers. I was glad to see that you pointed that out, and had your main character reassure herself that she wasn't at fault.
*ThumbsUpL*


*NoteG* What didn't ~
There is an inconsistency with where she is. The story begins with her in the bathroom, but it's never clear she's left there until she's out of the house. There are moments where you can add to the physical and emotional pain of your main character, why she decides that today is the day she is standing up for herself. Giving your main character a name makes a connection with your reader.

*NoteV* Impressions ~
I liked the new rules your main character impressed upon herself for future relationships, never a bad thing in my opinion. She had the strength to walk out, to see the way things were going, what she wanted, and what she didn't. As for Prince Charming, I think our perception of him could be changed. Write on!


"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
184
184
Review of A4 ~ Conflict  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Characters:
David is on his way to meet Kathleen and excited about a night out with her until he sees her outside her apartment kissing another man. At first he is too shocked to do much of anything, except leave. As he drives away and time ticks by anger sets in. He goes out with his friends and ignores her phone calls. By morning Kathleen shows up at his apartment and she walks out. Seeing her a week later doesn't take the edge off, he still runs from her when they bump into one another at the grocery store. Would love to see his angry a bit more, to know if he's hurting from their fight.

Setting:
You've done so much better getting into your characters thoughts and showing their reactions to things. Now that you are there, try adding other elements here. For instance, when they saw each other in the grocery store, what did David see when he looked at her? Did she not look herself? Did that make his heart ache for her? Or is he just done already?

Sensual Elements:
All good here. I liked that he thought she was hot when she was pissed and yelling at him trying to get answers for why he stood her up. Anger can be so appealing and lead to a great make up afterward. *Wink*

Overall Impression:
It was easy to follow, and I got to learn more about David and how he deals with situations. I am hoping that this fight/break up with Kathleen will really start to gnaw on his emotions. How hurt is he if he's already fallen for her? Think about really stepping into the heartache of the situation as well.

Suggestions:
YOURS: That woman, he eventually realized, was Kathleen.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was walking."

"It's okay. So how are you doing?"

"I'm great. What about you?" David's stomach was in knots. She is so beautiful.

"I'm not doing so great, David. I miss you."

EXAMPLE: That woman, he eventually realized, was Kathleen, and just seeing her made his heart clench.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was walking."

"It's okay. So how are you doing?"

"I'm great. What about you?" David's stomach was in knots and his thoughts raced, but all he could do was stare at her. She is so beautiful.

"I'm not doing so great, David. I miss you."

Did she really miss me? It was hard to tell when she was looking like a million dollars at this hour in the grocery store. Maybe she was dressed this way to impress her new boyfriend, and that one little thought shot anger coursing through him and he knew he had to get out of there fast before he made a scene.


~~Great flow this week. The story was easy to follow from one scene to the next. Your couple is really growing on me. Looking forward to their make up this week!
Member sig1
185
185
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Characters:
Luka is just as sure of himself as ever, that quality never fades, and he is stubborn as well. Past hurts have a way of keeping him in one mindset. Jaime finally gets out, but it is overwhelming for him, and the longer he is by himself in that setting, the harder it is for him to focus.

Setting:
Good descriptions of the bar, and Rory. Rory's presence totally threw Jaime and that showed well. Luka was easy to picture in the hallway to the bathroom as he rescued Jaime and then again in the truck after he'd stormed out of the club. The emotions ran high and that really heightened things between your couple.

Overall Impression:
I admit I was surprised it took Luka an entire month to finally go after Jaime. It was a pleasure getting to know your couple and following them through six assignments geared to relationship firsts. You do well with describing the scene as well as the emotions your characters go through. Thank you for taking this HSP class. I hope you enjoyed it.


Member sig1
186
186
Review of Talk is Cheap  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Characters:
Jaime is tired, which leads to the end of their lazy evening together. Luka has a drive ahead of him, but once in Jaime's arms, all the feelings that have been building for the past few weeks come bubbling up to the forefront. Luka doesn't seem afraid to say the words, and one point is even thinking Jaime will sleep through what he said, but he knows he will say the "L" word again. Even saying it, and agreeing to stay, nervousness takes over and he is up on his feet and heading to the door to get out of Jaime's apartment. Your characters seem to fit well together, becoming more comfortable with one another as times goes on in their relationship.

Setting:
Jaime's spartan apartment setting, the tv, the jacket hanging on the back of the door, the movie playing, all of these things added to the story unfolding between your couple. Jaime's apartment was easy to picture.

Overall Impression:
You did good setting up how the "L" word could come out. Even as Luka made the mad dash to get himself out of the apartment. Having Jaime return his feelings, even after saying he didn't need too really sent Luka for an unexpected loop. All of the years he spent getting his life back together is paying off in a big way for him. Will he see that? Will he really reach out and take a chance on a life with Jaime? Looking forward to finding out.


Member sig1
187
187
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Part One:
It was hard to care about your couple, or get into the action of what was taking place between them. Sometimes the flow is smooth, and it's easy to follow, and then things skip ahead and it becomes jarring. You excel at descriptions, but because much of the story is told, it falls flat.

Part Two:
You gave enough reasons for why your second couple have things standing in between them before they take this huge step in their relationship.

Erotic Elements:
This began with Ted stroking up her leg in caresses that vibrated all through Sonia, which was good. In the very next sentence, somehow, she has already passed climax. I'm not saying climax cannot happen that quickly, what I am saying is that if you are going to write about it, you need to slow the scene down, and SHOW your reader what is happening, step by step. There is no pay off if we are told it happened and we don't get to watch the climb unfold.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Ted takes a moment to look at Sonia and all he can think about is taking her clothes off and his mind is made up. Before, Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulls out the blanket they packed for their picnic in the middle of the clearing, he sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket lying down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg, Sonia lets out a squeal of pleasure while she digs her nails into Ted’s back, saying breathlessly, “Ted your fingers are sending vibrations through my body.”

Example:
Ted stares at Sonia, his eyes trailing down her well-toned body and all he can think about is what lies beneath that dress. He knows all too well how her breasts are still perky, and that one sweep of his thumb over her nipple and it will turn hard instantly. He knows that if he lets his mouth wander down her chest to her stomach, that Sonia will moan his name by the time he reaches her bellybutton. He swallows hard, the growing bulge in his pants making it impossible to be this far away from her. Before Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulled out the blanket they packed for their picnic. He sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket, gently lying her down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg in a feather light caress, up and down, inching higher to the apex of her thighs.

Other Issues:
~You do not need to include dialog tags every time someone speaks, especially when it's two people having a conversation. If you are going to include them, put your strong descriptions to good use with them.

Sonia looks at the beauty of the discovery, turns to Ted. , saying, “This place is beautiful. Did you know it was here?”

Ted looks back at Sonia with the biggest smile, replying, “No, I didn’t. This place is amazing. Be quiet for a minute, Sonia. Tell me what you hear.”

~Sometimes the tags interfere with the flow of your story. You can skip them from time to time and focus on what is happening with them and around your characters, drawing your reader more into the action of the story itself.
188
188
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Story:
You had a great first kiss, and incorporated everything asked for in this assignment. Luka and Jaime both had moments of uncertainty, and it showed.

Erotic Elements:
The kiss definitely sizzled, and left me wanting more. It was both sweet and passionate. There was plenty of description to pull me right into the scene and see it unfold as if I were watching it play out before my own eyes. That is always a bonus!

Other Issues:

This isn't an issue, but my favorite part:
When I opened my own mouth tentatively, uncertainly, Luka moaned again, tilting my head back a little as he leaned closer, his other hand settling on my waist. His lips tasted like coffee, sugar, and blueberries, and though I didn’t normally care for blueberries, I found that I liked the taste just fine on Luka’s lips.

Adding the taste of blueberries, and Jaime's personal preferences adds that human quality to your characters, gets your reader to identify with them as it adds dimension. *Thumbsup*
189
189
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Assignment:

This is the first time Santos has experienced a woman taking him by surprise, pulling away for a moment he wanted to see this woman through her eyes which is the gateway to the soul. Some clarity he felt was needed because he just met this woman and this is the first date, he did not want to take advantage of her. He can feel this rush of energy through his body, feeling like it is running through his veins. The smell of her hair reminds him of lilacs which he grows on his property. At this moment he has decided that there is such a thing as fate which certain people are meant to be together.<<--this entire paragraph is told like a third person commentator when it starts, before switching to Santos. They are in the middle of a pivotal scene, but it isn't active. For instance, think about the first sentence being active like: They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and looking into hers, being almost consumed by the intensity he found there had him believing it. He could hardly look away, nor did he want to, because in that moment, he could see right into her very being.


Santos brushes a stray piece of wavy red hair from Jade’s face, while looking into her eyes, he says, “Jade, have you heard of the twin flame?”

“No. What is it?”

“From the research I have done, it is the most intense relationship you can have with anyone. I want to know everything about you. It seems crazy that I hardly know you except,” taking

Jade’s hand he kisses it while looking in her eyes in the emotional connection, he continues, “I feel words do not satisfy the true feelings, I am having difficulty expressing things that are meant to be felt.” This is a bit choppy. I believe taking was supposed to be with this paragraph as well. Santos takes her hand and kisses it, all the while still lost in her eyes. Write that. Write what her hand feels like in his, pressed to his lips, etc. Watch the overuse of the word feel/felt, instead of saying it, show it.

“I feel like I am on a high which seems to go on and on. When I look into your eyes, I am not sure how this is even possible, it is like I can see a part of myself within you. Does that make any sense? Is this part of the twin flame thing, you mentioned earlier?” Twinflames/twinsouls are a huge concept. If she's never heard of it before, you need to give a better explanation of it. It makes no sense to have her get it immediately and believe he's the other half of her soul.

A wave of happiness like no other has found Santos in the most happiest state he has ever been in. He replies, “Yes. It is what I read. To experience it, I believe this may be it. I like how you express how you feel with me openly, you have a way words and I like it. Santos has the biggest perma smile on his face, he feels like a teenager again.

As Santos goes in for another kiss, he stops to admire her skin on her beautiful face. She is not wearing any makeup, with his finger, he touches her from her forehead down her nose, trailing her cheeks, and back to her lips, her skin is so soft to the touch. He likes the white tank top she is wearing with an elephant on the front with her black capris, and silver sandals; curious about why she does not wear any jewelry.

Connecting with her lips for the second time, he can taste the mint on her breath as he is opening his mouth to her. His intention is to be gentle and take his time, he feels lost in the depths where only Jade and himself exist and his need to express how he feels is strong and over powering him; there is no thinking, only feeling each other. His arms wrap around Jade in close to him feeling her closeness against him. His hands are running through her fire-red wavy hair which she wears loose down to her shoulders with a part in the middle. Thoughts are running through his head about many things he would like to do with Jade which he cannot in a public place. Gently nipping at her lips, he says breathlessly, “Can I take you to dinner? I want to get to know you better and what better way than to have some food and conversation.”

Sounding just as breathless as Santos, Jade replies, “I would like that.”

~~If there is excitement Santos feels being with Jade, show that. Like the sentence you used that starts...thoughts are running through his head about...try something like...thoughts race through his mind about the things he would like to do with Jade if they weren't in a public place....make it current, in the moment, show your reader that. Telling the entire story this way keeps your reader on the outside. You want your reader to identify with your characters and feel as if they are part of the action.
190
190
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Part One:
You participated in the forum discussion. *Thumbsup*

Part Two:
Good dynamics between your main characters. Saying sorry can be so difficult sometimes. I did like the honestly Luka had about his past, again, not something so easy for everyone. It was easy to feel a friendship beginning between these two, even an attraction from Luka's perspective. The assignment was about your main characters dancing together, and although I get where you were going with this, it lacked what I was looking for. Maybe if it had been a flash of Luka seeing them together that way, their bodies next to one another, in each others arms, or even wondering what it would be like to sway to the song with Jaime.

Erotic Elements:
There were a few good moments here, especially when it came to the intensity of eye contact between Jaime and Luka. Luka feeling young after getting lost in Jaime's eyes was a huge moment, for he clearly thinks others make him feel older than he is. Luka let himself get lost in that one precious moment and it showed well.

Other Issues:
“I know I can be . . . harsh, atimes. at times?
191
191
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Part One:
You have a great grasp of your characters for this class. There is enough information for you to work from for the rest of the lessons. Looking forward to see what you have in store for the four of them.

Part Two:
You have the emotions from Jade narrowed down well. A lot of what you wrote is told.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Jade walks over to Santos and while he is still drinking from the fountain, she drinks from the fountain as well. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is a welcoming look and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces while the feeling in Jade urges her to take her tongue licking the water from his lips, slowly at first. She feels the burning passion of desire for this man running through her veins, when their lips meet it is an explosion of desire expands she welcomes it within her. Their lips seem to be made for each other, his lips fitting perfectly on her mouth, she feels alive in this moment.

Example:
Jade walks over to Santos while he is still drinking from the fountain. She bends down and shares the cool stream of water with him, her eyes glued to him, wondering how he will react to her being so forward. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is welcoming and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces, and the urge to lick the water from his lips overwhelms her. Unable to stop herself, she juts out her tongue and catches the water on his chin, moving up toward his awaiting lips. Burning passionate desire for this man swamps her sense, pulsing through her veins. When their lips meet it is an explosion of expanding hunger she welcomes Their lips seem to be made for each other, his fitting perfectly on her mouth. In this one moment, she is alive.

Other Issues:
"Jade! Hi, it is so glad to see you."~~so good to see you?

She watches his how his ebony black hair keeps falling in his face because of the wind.


~~Think about making the story more active and enticing to your reader. You are writing from your characters point of view, from their perspective. Picture yourself in their shoes. Include what they feel, see, hear, smell, taste, etc. Telling about it doesn't let your reader enjoy what your characters experience. Adding detail, slowing these pivotal scenes down bring your reader into the story and along for the same ride.

192
192
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Part One:
Missing.

Part Two:
Jaime has issues that pit him against Luka right away, even though Jaime showed interest in him until Luka began tearing apart his writing. This will lead to an interesting connection between your couple. There is plenty going on in their first meeting, with other characters that break the tension in the room. However, Jaime's past has him ready to run, and if he walks out the door, I wonder how he will manage to return to the writing group. His confidence is clearly shaken just realizing his past encounters with Luka. Luka is so oblivious to how his words make the others around him feel. He becomes completely absorbed in reading and critiquing.

Erotic Elements:
Jaime's attraction to Luka was there, but with the way Luka didn't miss a beat with editing Jaime's story, that faded away quickly. Will this make Luka more endearing to Jaime? Looking forward to finding out.

Other Issues:
On that coffee table were a four laptops, what I presume were printed-out copies of stories, and the aforementioned snacks.
193
193
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Characters:
Jill is still hurt by Luke's remark and actions. Luke shows up at the dorm to try and sort things out. He seems nervous about it, but does his best to make sure she understands exactly what happened.

Setting:
Descriptions of things happening were done well. Flow was nice and easy.

Sensual Elements:
The kiss they shared at the end. With the last line it's easy to see their is a difference in the way Jill responded to him. His intent is still very clear. Even in his point of view, you could elaborate on that kiss, showing that not only did he notice a distinct change is how she responded, but then stating he knew this was going to be an upward battle.

Overall Impression:
I was a little surprised that sorting out the fight went so smoothly. I thought for sure she would press him for a little more when he told her why he called her just a study partner. That's where passion and their emotions would really come into play in a key way. Are they willing to fight for this relationship? By the end I see Jill hasn't exactly forgiven him, but I would have liked to see how hurt she was really take center stage.

Suggestions:
He could herehear Kate and Jill arguing.

~~With the last assignment, emotions are going to be a key player. Keep that in mind as you write. Remember to swap point of views midway through, to showcase what both are feeling and experiencing.

Member sig1
194
194
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Characters:
Matt and Christopher have an argument, and Christopher is so hurt he walks out. Matt is still struggling with insecurities as he finally uses the key to Christopher's apartment and finds his lover drunk out of his mind, in the dark in the living room. Christopher seems as the type who always gets his way, but Matt is really making things difficult for him. Both men want the same things, but getting through old baggage continues to stand between them.

Setting:
Really good visuals of first Matt's place as they finished dinner, and then Christopher's place. You do really well with showing the expressions within your characters, not just relying on spoken words to convey their inner emotions.

Sensual Elements:
Just a few little hints here and there, as the fight was the highlight of this assignment. I will say the underlying sexual tension did come through, as each tried to be close to their beloved.

Overall Impression:
Really good read. I'm rooting for both characters because they work well together. Matt's strengths compliment Christoper, and vice versa. You have a well rounded couple here, going through the normal ups and downs in any long-term relationship. They really compliment one another.

Suggestions:
In your last assignment, try to keep the point of views separate. There were a few instances here where it felt like you went back and forth. Pick one for the first half, the other for the second. Looking forward to seeing how you wrap this all up.

Member sig1
195
195
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Characters:
Matt is a total wreck upon seeing Christopher kissing someone else. Even when Christopher shows up, he still cannot get over what he saw, and finds it difficult to believe the explanation he is given. Christopher desperately tries to make Matt understand all that went on and why.

Setting:
Really good descriptions of the emotions both men were going through. It was easy to picture the both of them throughout the scene as they fought for and about their relationship.

Overall Impression:
Solid scene filled with great emotions. The assignment specifically said to leave the scene hanging mid fight. Would have been great to end it here, and leave this rest as the beginning of this weeks assignment: Matt blinked away more tears and scowled at the television screen. “I don’t trust you, Christopher. I don’t believe anything you say. Actions speak louder than words.”

Suggestions:
His normally trendy, dark hair was a total mess, sticking up every which way as if he’d been running his hands through it repeatedly.

“Gee, let me move out of striking range, for when the lightning hits. . . .”

He’d just picked up and leave.

~Just a few little errors.




Member sig1
196
196
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Characters:
Jill shows up to meet Luke and is shocked as she overhears him and his ex discussing their previous relationship. Jill reacts to what she hears, and Luke's introduction cuts her deep, that being his study partner.

Setting:
There were good moments with Jill's reactions. What was missing is what she saw when she looked at Luke. How did he take her anger and confusion? When he tried to explain about the conversation, did she detect sincerity in his body language or his facial expression?

Overall Impression:
Think about making this scene a little more rounded. For every action, there's a reaction, but when it's between two people, both have their own style of reacting. Sometimes when people fight, you know your words will hurt, or that things you say will cut someone emotionally, and when the words leave your mouth, you can see if they hit their mark.

Suggestions:
Yours: "How convenient for you,” Jill muttered. She turned on her heel and took a few steps away from him. She could feel hot tears filling her eyes. She tried to blink them away, but one rolled down her face. No, she thought, I won’t cry in front of him. She’d never cried over a break-up in front of a her future ex before and she’d be damned if she was going to do it now.

Example: How convenient for you,” Jill muttered. She turned on her heel and took a few steps away from him. Hot tears filled her eyes, as she tried to blink them away, but one rolled down her face. No, she thought, I won’t cry in front of him. She’d never cried over a break-up in front of a her future ex before and she’d be damned if she was going to do it now. Taking a deep breath, she managed to regain control of her emotions and stick to her convictions. Hearing him refer to her as only a study partner made her heart hurt something fierce.

~I just wanted you get an idea of making this a more active scene. Jill is hurting and you were on the right track of conveying that. However, using feel or felt is telling. Showing the action makes the scene more vibrant in the readers minds eyes.



Member sig1
197
197
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Characters:
Matt's insecurities about the relationship are hitting full throttle as they watch Auntie Mame together. Christopher isn't as into the movie as Matt, and can't keep his hands off his partner. Matt's fears bring him to confessing that he's afraid Christopher will up and leave one day, and he also admits being in love with Christopher. Christopher is shocked to see Matt crying, but consoles him and manages to calm his every fear away, before they make love.

Setting:
Good visuals of the movie playing in the background. I like how well you describe Matt's quest to not give into Christopher's sexual advances. It was easy to see just how difficult that was for him. His emotions about where their relationship will lead were spot on. I really felt for him as his concerns hit and welled over.

Sensual Elements:
The focus was on making out this week, especially the kissing. I absolutely loved this line: His tongue traced and chased mine, mapping my mouth like unexplored territory. It really kicked off the make out session and pulled me right into the action. There was a lot of dialog during the making out, which took away from the heat of the scene. As good as your pacing and description is, that emotional connection with your characters as they become intimate is missing. This was from Matt's POV, and it moved quickly from one element to the next. It's okay to slow things down, describing what sensations your characters as feeling.

Overall Impression:
You have a lot going on in this assignment. Sometimes I think you've read ahead to the next lesson and are combining two in one. I'd say that's pretty good foresight. Try adding more physical emotions to your point of view character as things are happening. Tell me what that kiss felt like. What it feels like to be touched, loved, needed, wanted. I want to go along for the ride with your characters.

Suggestions:
Yours: His tongue traced and chased mine, mapping my mouth like unexplored territory. I began to back us toward his bedroom—this wouldn’t be the first time we navigated our way there like this—when the hand on my ass began to fight its way down the back of my jeans. As Christopher’s kisses wended their way south, to my jugular, where they turned into the precursor of livid hickeys, a high-pitched noise came from my throat that only Christopher had ever been able to elicit.

Example: His tongue traced and chased mine, mapping my mouth like unexplored territory, making it almost impossible to catch my breath. I loved the urgency from him, the way his mouth devoured mine in hungry kisses that had my heart pounding so loudly in my ears it drowned out the movie and I thought I would explode at any moment. Every plundering stroke of his tongue against mine sent fire coursing through my body, making almost impossible to stay upright. I needed to catch my breath, to get out of these binding clothes that suddenly were in the way. I had to touch his silky skin, feel his body burning and trembling beneath my fingers. I began to back us toward his bedroom—this wouldn’t be the first time we navigated our way there like this—when the hand on my ass began to fight its way down the back of my jeans.

~It's hard to match your writing style, but I just wanted you to get an idea of what I'm talking about here. When they are together this way, take advantage of it, really get into what they are experiencing and slow the scene down. It will really pay off big in this genre.
Member sig1
198
198
Review of Assignment 2  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Characters:
Jill's inexperience in the intimacy department clearly showed here. It was good to see that she was not so easy, and had morals. Luke held nothing back, being totally honest about his feelings, as well as his own personal experience. He also showed he could be a gentleman.

Setting:
Good descriptions of what they both wore on their date, and the food that arrived during the dinner. It was a sweet scene where they shared their meals with one another.

Sensual Elements:
These two definitely have sparks flying when they come together. Luke is testing the boundaries so to speak, seeing just what Jill limits are. It was nice to see Jill fighting the passion, and being able to stick to her morals, yet having that internal battle going on in her mind.

Overall Impression:
The only thing that didn't sit well with me, was the fact that Jill considered herself slutty for barely getting to third base. I'd say that makes her far from a slut. It also had me wondering why she has that self image, if there was something in her past that keeps her behind that line of going all the way in the future.

Suggestions:
Watch the word choices. Some words were used a lot close together and it pulled away from the flow of the story.

Member sig1
199
199
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Characters:
This assignment played well from Christopher's mindset. He certainly is a bold character, and introspective in his actions, though not necessarily when it comes to what he says. I like how sharp he is, and that he speaks what's on his mind. That's always refreshing in my opinion. It was a good moment when Matt was pondering the boyfriend comment, as their relationship finally got an upgrade.

Setting:
Good descriptions of both men, the scene in the car, and getting to the club. You included enough detail that it was easy to follow as things progressed from one place to the other.

Sensual Elements:
The car scene between these two was well written, but it was still missing something. You had good flow, the scene wasn't rushed, but you mostly stuck with what Matt or Christopher did. For your next intimate scene, think about what emotional and physical aspects come into play for your POV character. What did it feel like when Matt touched Christopher? Dig a little deeper here as you are in Christopher's head, what he sees, smells, feels, thinks, wants. All of these things start to merge. Describe them.

Overall Impression:
You had another solid assignment. Both of your characters are unique and tend to do things differently, yet are a strong couple, even though they are still feeling their way through the relationship aspects.

Suggestions:
The only thing I'm going to mention here is the F bombs. For this class, we are trying to tone the language down, find other expressive words that illicit the same effect.

Member sig1
200
200
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Characters:
Very rich and vibrant characters. I easily got into the scene and the descriptions of Christopher from Matt's point of view. You were able to point out differences between the two men that came as easy observations as Matt pondered the man before him, and their relationship. I also liked the touch of humor that filtered in during the scene.

Setting:
Nicely done here as well. These two characters are totally charmed by one another and it showed. The only thing that could have heightened the scene would have been showcasing a bit more of the restaurant and what was happening around them. Which wasn't all that necessary since I don't believe they would've noticed anyway.

Sensual Elements:
The sexual chemistry throbbed off the screen. You had so much going on for such a short scene that I was completely immersed in what was happening, where they had been, and where they were headed next. I am really looking forward to the next five weeks and seeing how their relationship play outs.

Overall Impression:
Great first assignment. I really don't have much to say other than I'm hooked!

Sections:
Part 1: Great character sketches. I know I didn't ask for much here, but you provided plenty to give me a real sense of each of your characters. I'm glad you know them so well.

Part 2: I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on Romance and Erotica. I don't think I've ever heard it put to paper so eloquently, and I totally agree with how you see the two genres.




Member sig1
357 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 15 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8