Hi Bubblegum Jones
I am reviewing "Another Small Bang" as part of your Whiskey Liqueur package in my chocolate emporium. The review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .
Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest. Any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
Wow. I tried to figure out which of my review templates would work with this piece, but I think it's too big to be contained in any of them. So I'm going to freestyle it. I tried to get the free samples from the links to your other two books, but because I'm in the UK, I couldn't get them. I did click on the "look inside" icon for the first one, and I was able to read eleven pages. It gave me a good taster for this piece. I got an insight into your sense of humour. I knew I would enjoy this before I started.
As mentioned above, your humour is genuinely funny. My favourite parts of this were the gags you told. For example, the hole in one joke is fab! I really laughed at that. As I read this piece, I had in mind someone doing a stand-up comedy routine. It would definitely work as that. I think that is the effect you were aiming for. The part where you describe the stink of Stinky made me laugh because my dear, old labrador makes a lot of those smells these days.
I like the way you continue to tell the story of Little Henry and Stinky. Friends from childhood, I liked their bond. They make fun of each other and share (amongst other things) jokes. But, ultimately, they are friends, as is evidenced when Stinky goes with Little Henry to the computer room after he decides being Santa is not for him.
If I'm honest, I didn't enjoy the "Just another Small Bang" section. I found it confusing with all the "Little Henry said ..." "Stinky said" all lumped together in one paragraph. It is hard to follow who is speaking, and as the opening, I would try to make it clearer. Also, as someone who hasn't read your other books, so doesn't know what to expect from this, I found it a little difficult to become engaged at the beginning. I also didn't get why Little Henry is waiting for his family. Once I got past this part and started to read "Time Brings Humor to Everything", I enjoyed it a lot more.
Now, I appreciate your intention for this is to entertain and make your readers laugh, but I did spot quite a few grammatical errors. I've put them in this dropnote so you can ignore them if you want.
Grammar/Spelling/Typos/Readability ▼
Just another Small Bang
"After I wrote my first two E-Books "The Small Bang Theory" and "Echo's of a Small Bang" I was a little bit skeptical about starting a third book." - Just a tiny point. I would take out bit. It isn't necessary and it would make the writing tighter.
"So as little Henry's buddy Stinky was walking on by he felt he had to ask ..." - Henry is the subject of this sentence, so it reads as though Henry had to ask. But, it was actually Stinky asking.
"'At least that is plan A for now.'" - I would take out "for now" because Plan A is Plan A, and it always will be. If they move on to the next plan, it's Plan B.
Time Brings Humor to Everything
"Of course geologist also like to listen to rock music ..." - This is funny, but you need an s on the end of geoloist.
"He couldn't open his door using the cars remote control." - You need an apostrophe before the s in cars.
Hurricane Ready
"The last time I ask him he said he was eating imported food." - I would change ask to asked.
The Continuing Caps Story
" But all good things must eventually come to an end, as so did this method of bartering." - I would either write "and so" or just "as". It sounds a little clumpy as it is.
"What happened was some other worker's in the Widget factory ..." - No apostrophe is needed here.
Little Henry's thinking about a job change
"It might only be a seasonal job, but he figures that he could also do ..." - It should be figured. Also, that is not necessary here.
A couple of times, you say "Santa Claus'" when speaking about the plural. It should be "Santa Clauses." No apostrophe.
"'I can't right now I'm Busy.'" - No capital B.
"It was one of the worst smells yet to date ..." - I would either say "yet" or "to date." You don't need both of them.
Little Blue Easter Egg
"Stinky wasn't no where as stinky as he is today ..." - No and where should be one word. But you have used a double negative in this sentence, and I would change it to "was nowhere".
"That first year of school sailed on by for the two buddys ..." - It should be buddies.
"Once out of the eye sight of their parent's ..." - No apostrophe needed here. Also, eyesight is one word.
"'It was slimmy, silky and buttery with a crunchy shell on it.'" - I think you mean slimy.
In general, whenever you are addressing someone by name, you need to surround that name with commas. Also, whenever you mention the widget factory, sometimes you capitalise the W and sometimes you don't. It should all be the same.
These are a few of my favourite parts of this piece: "Nobody will ever argue the fact that Boo Boo drives a forklift like an out of control category five hurricane." That image really made me laugh! I also liked this which explains why Little Henry thought he finished his job in record time: "What actually happened was it turned out that the battery in his watch died and all it was is his watch stopped working." That's brilliant! Then, there is this image which is hilarious: "I'm not so sure about that with Little Henry's track record, especially after seeing him one day trying to clear snow with a leaf rake, and when that didn't work shooting water on the snow with a water hose."
I really enjoyed reading this. It's unike anything I've read before. Have you ever considered a career in stand-up? Very funny observations and great gags to boot. Nice work!
Choconut
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