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1,959 Public Reviews Given
1,978 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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Review of Time To Celebrate  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "Time To Celebrate, and I'd like to offer the following comments. This review is affiliated with "The Rockin' Reviewers and is also a part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: As I first read this, I found it to be a heartwarming, feel-good story. I smiled the whole way through. From your characters, to the sense of magic, to the fabulous ending, it's all very moving and incredibly enjoyable.

Plot: A girl who lives in a land where enjoyment and laughter are forbidden finds her way to a new, magical place where she can smile and relax. I have to say I love the name of the place she lives: Nofunlandia. It doesn't sound like a very welcoming place. When Bryanna hears the sound which sounds like laughter, she follows it until she reaches a magic mountain that gives way to a big party in honour of her nineteenth birthday.

What I really liked: Bryanna's realisation that her father tricked her into believing her mother was dead, when really she had been exiled because she was too exuberant for Nofunlandia. I could really feel Bryanna's emotions when she found her mother whom she believed she would never see again. That's a lovely touch. The thing I love most about this, though, is the sense of magic. You start with the sound that is like laughter that entrances Bryanna. It's kind of like a good siren calling her. Then, the mountain that gave way when she held her hand to it, revealing a cavern with lights everywhere. And, my favourite: the fairies. I love your descriptions of them. This one is fab: "All hovered and flitted on wings so delicate they seemed barely there." Similarly, I love your description of the balloons dancing on air.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a few suggestions which I will put in this dropnote ...

Grammar Suggestions

Final thoughts: This is such an enjoyable, magical story. I'm sure it could be enjoyed by adults and children alike. I love the reunion with Bryanna and her mother. That part has really struck me. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bubblegum Jones

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Whiskey Liqueur review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, I love a good ghost story. This one has it all. When you mention at the beginning this being scarier than the Amittyville Horror, I was hooked straight away. I remember watching that show as a kid and being scared witless! So I was intrigued to know what this story would be. I know it is listed as a short story, but I have a feeling it really is based on your own experiences. If I'm wrong about that, I apologise.

Plot: This is the story of a haunted house that belongs to your daughter. Tales of a mean children's nanny and toys being strewn about the floor overnight sent a shiver down my spine. I imagined a poltergeist scaring your grandson. Actually, I think the nanny probably scared him the most.

Characters: This is a story where the main players are dead. My favourite character, the one who tugs the most at my heartstrings, is the white dog who follows you around. I would love to think my old dog, Jake, is still with me. That actually brought a lump to my throat. I think it brilliant that you have researched into the old plantation house and its former occupants. It must be fascinating. The information you uncovered about the war widow is super interesting. Did you manage to find out whether she definitely lived in the plantation house? I wonder whether she was there when it burned down.

Grammar: As with my last review, I'll put my grammatical suggestions in a dropnote.
Grammar/Spellings/Typos/Readability

What I liked: My favourite part is, "The first thing I'm going to do when my magic day comes to walk up those old weathered wooden steps through the heavy mist and fog, to that great old thick wooden door is to find that mean old nanny, and deal with her my way!" I love everything about this sentence. The description is vivid and the sentiment is fantastic. I laughed when I read this. I also love the part where you speak of Dewey being forever by your side. This part is so moving. The story of the various inhabitants in the old plantation house is fascinating. I love the fact you researched it and you're finding out things that prove the supernatural connections.

Suggestions: I guess my only suggestion is to try a different way of writing this. I mentioned that my favourite part is near the end, when you describe your magic day. I like this part because of the vivid and immersive description. The rest of the story is very much you telling a story. But, if you wrote it from the inside, out, and described what it felt like to be inside the house with the supernatural occurences, it might be a little scarier. If you can use your descriptive skills to place the reader inside the house, to have them witness the coldness, the feeling of being watched, the toys flying around, it would be much creepier. Not that it isn't creepy as it is. It does work nicely. I'm just looking at it from another direction.

I enjoyed reading your story. It fascinates me. I love to read about anything supernatural, although, I do find myself a little creeped out now and then. I totally believe your story. It rings true on all counts. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bubblegum Jones

I am reviewing "Another Small Bang as part of your Whiskey Liqueur package in my chocolate emporium. The review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest. Any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

Wow. I tried to figure out which of my review templates would work with this piece, but I think it's too big to be contained in any of them. So I'm going to freestyle it. I tried to get the free samples from the links to your other two books, but because I'm in the UK, I couldn't get them. I did click on the "look inside" icon for the first one, and I was able to read eleven pages. It gave me a good taster for this piece. I got an insight into your sense of humour. I knew I would enjoy this before I started.

As mentioned above, your humour is genuinely funny. My favourite parts of this were the gags you told. For example, the hole in one joke is fab! I really laughed at that. As I read this piece, I had in mind someone doing a stand-up comedy routine. It would definitely work as that. I think that is the effect you were aiming for. The part where you describe the stink of Stinky made me laugh because my dear, old labrador makes a lot of those smells these days.

I like the way you continue to tell the story of Little Henry and Stinky. Friends from childhood, I liked their bond. They make fun of each other and share (amongst other things) jokes. But, ultimately, they are friends, as is evidenced when Stinky goes with Little Henry to the computer room after he decides being Santa is not for him.

If I'm honest, I didn't enjoy the "Just another Small Bang" section. I found it confusing with all the "Little Henry said ..." "Stinky said" all lumped together in one paragraph. It is hard to follow who is speaking, and as the opening, I would try to make it clearer. Also, as someone who hasn't read your other books, so doesn't know what to expect from this, I found it a little difficult to become engaged at the beginning. I also didn't get why Little Henry is waiting for his family. Once I got past this part and started to read "Time Brings Humor to Everything", I enjoyed it a lot more.

Now, I appreciate your intention for this is to entertain and make your readers laugh, but I did spot quite a few grammatical errors. I've put them in this dropnote so you can ignore them if you want.
Grammar/Spelling/Typos/Readability

These are a few of my favourite parts of this piece: "Nobody will ever argue the fact that Boo Boo drives a forklift like an out of control category five hurricane." That image really made me laugh! I also liked this which explains why Little Henry thought he finished his job in record time: "What actually happened was it turned out that the battery in his watch died and all it was is his watch stopped working." *Rolling* That's brilliant! Then, there is this image which is hilarious: "I'm not so sure about that with Little Henry's track record, especially after seeing him one day trying to clear snow with a leaf rake, and when that didn't work shooting water on the snow with a water hose."

I really enjoyed reading this. It's unike anything I've read before. Have you ever considered a career in stand-up? Very funny observations and great gags to boot. Nice work!

Choconut

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Review of Pretty Ugly Words  
for entry "Summer's End--Tanka
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi IceSkatingSugarCube ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a great, little poem! I love the Tanka form. Which surprises me because I'm not usually one for restricting their words! *Laugh* This is a fab example, though. It made me smile, and I think you described all the feelings of going back to school after a sunny summer really nicely.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and jovial. Which is perfect because tankas are supposed to have a humorous feeling to them. You have nailed it.

Mechanics: It's perfect. You have got the syllables spot on and, as mentioned above, the light tone, also. I think you have a great first line. In five syllables, you have summed up exactly what this period feels like. Personally (and my hubby always thinks I'm weird because of this) I loved the end of the holidays because I loved going back to school. So, this poem makes me a little nostalgic.

My Favourite Part: The last line, for me, is fantastic: "teachers load up on coffee." That made me laugh because it is so true. I do love the whole poem, though. Its humour and light tone makes it a pleasure to read. Oh, and the "stiff new shoes." I remember that feeling!

I have nothing to offer in terms of suggestions. I believe this poem is perfect as it is. I really enjoyed reading it, and I think your writing is excellent.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Losing the Light  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. It is your second Chocolate Orange Crisps review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, Hooves. This poem is so sad. The imagery you create of darkness, fear, and sadness really tugs at my heart. I could relate to the feelings of losing the light from your life when a loved one dies. It's so emotional.

Voice/Tone: The voice is stark and honest. I think you are speaking from the heart, and that makes it even more powerful. Your tone is kind of nostalgic, but not a happy nostalgia. Rather, you remember the time when you and your family "lost the light forever." That's actually brought tears to my eyes. I totally remember feeling like that after Dad died. Here, it reads as though you are packing away all your happiness and all the joys of Christmas while you're waiting to pack away your father forever.

Mechanics: This is free verse, which I love. Again, I have to mention your expert use of emotive imagery. You say that Christmas celebrations are, "packed away in a dark box until next year." Describing the box as dark is so clever. It is in contrast to the thoughts most people have of Christmas which are light and happy. It also makes me think of the dark box that your father is buried in. It's such a great use of imagery.

Rhythm: As this is free verse, the rhythm is up to you to create. And you have done a great job with this. The lines flow smoothly and the pace is spot on. There is just one line I would make a slight change to: "yearly resolutions losing the light." I would take out the. It makes it a little smoother, but, also, it gives a better alliteration with, "losing light."

My Favourite Part: This is hard to choose because I love the whole poem. I love the way it comes together to make a moving memory. I'll mention a few of the lines that shine, though. "dead in December, cemetery-bound in January." Oh, wow. I love how stark and matter-of-fact this is. It hits the reader with a giant sucker-punch. "yearly resolutions losing the light." This makes me think of all the plans we make and dreams we have and how easy it is to forget them. Too many plans packed away for another time. "We aren't frightened by much these days." This makes me think that once you've faced the worst imaginable thing, there's not a lot left that will scare you. Again, I can relate, and again, I'm tearing up.

In general, my favourite verse is the third one. That verse feels the most grief-filled. It feels raw. It knocks through my own armour and brings me tears, so I have no idea how it must make you feel.

This is a really brave poem. It's beautifully written, and the emotions you express and draw from the reader are incredible. I really love this poem. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Nobody's Shoe  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+
Hi Jimminycritic ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "Nobody's Shoe, as part of "Invalid Item. I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: This story is really interesting. It went in a completely different direction to what I expected. The ending came as a big surprise, and I felt a little sorry for the shoe. It left me wondering whether this will be the end for the shoe, forever. I wasn't sure, in the beginning, whether the shoe is discussing its previous lives because it is reincarnated with each time a human finishes with him, or whether he gets his new lives from new owners via charity shops?

Plot: This is about a shoe facing the end of his life (I say his because he seems male, but I'm not completely sure). His owner jumps, or falls, or is pushed, into a river and sinks. The shoe follows dutifully. I have to be honest, I wasn't sure what was happening here. I thought the yipping pair of shoes behind him could be on someone chasing his human. A mean someone, who kills the shoe's human.

I enjoyed the narrative voice of this shoe. He has a dry sense of humour. I like that. I also get the sense he is proud of the way he serves his human. He seems noble. Also, he has a past that, I think, plays in his mind often. All these things endear him to me. I found myself invested in his story. So, when he followed his human to the bottom of the river, I felt a little sad.

What I really liked: "Strangely, my sole mate has nothing to add." This made me laugh. Also, this sentence is a great example of personification: "Dirt embedded in my tongue as my owner fell, tearing a gaping hole into my side." In general, I love the suspense you create at the end when the human is running from something or someone, and we wait to learn the fate of both human and shoe.

Grammar/Punctuation/Typos: Just a couple of things ...

Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: I would be interested to know who the yipping pair of shoes belonged to, and whether they played a part in this shoe's demise. Personally, I would love the ending to be clarified. I just wasn't sure what was happening. I know the human and shoe dies in the water. But I don't know why. The danger creates so much suspense, it would be good to know who (or what) it was.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed this story. You have done a great job of creating a memorable character. The shoe is confident, wise, and really likeable. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Sun Also Sets  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the first of your Chocolate Orange Crisps reviews.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, wow. I have fallen in love with Hooves. He is such a funny, charismatic bull. This is the place where I confess: I am one of those people who hasn't read Hemingway. I went through G.C.S.E. literature, A Level Literature, and a degree in Literature, and I'd still never read him. I guess he isn't taught so much in the UK. My hubby (who is American) loves him, though. He is his favourite author, so I did read a short story of his a few years ago. It was about a safari, I think. I must buy some Hemingway and read them. I love to experiment with my reading tastes. You've sparked my interest. Anyway, I have rambled on, but I am leading to a point: I never knew your Hooves persona came from Hemingway. That's so cool.

Plot: A bull is charged with travelling back in time to meet Hemingway and save the fate of bulls in his stories. I love it. It's so original. When Hooves and Hemingway actually meet, it's quite an emotional moment. (Apart from one of Hemingway's drunkard friends saying Hooves looks like "Gertrude Stein, in that beret." I really laughed at that.) The way the great author can see into the soul of the bull, seeing all the tragedy and sadness as well as the nobility, is brilliant.

Characters: I love Hooves! There, I said it. The voice of the bull is so unique and funny. The references to his "human" are funny. This bull knows he is special, and he will prove it. I love this line, "I snorted in a fine, noble, and inspiring way."

Grammar: Just one place I would change: "She, who must be listened to, (my human) saw ..." - I think the comma should be after the parentheses because "my human" belongs to the preceding part of the sentence.

What I liked: "I nodded to him in a noble, fine way, with a touch of tragedy. I knew we were simpatico that afternoon in Spain." Again, this is quite emotional. Funny, but poignant. I also adore these lines: "So, when you read a Hemingway story, just know this. All his noble, fine, or tragic characters are right here in the eyes of Hooves." This is perfect. Hooves became Heminway's muse. Oh, I also have to mention this part which made me laugh. You write that the human says to Hooves he can influence Hemingway by, "putting in a good snort for your brother bulls."

This piece is a delight to read. It's so funny, but also quite moving in places. Which I never thought I would say of a story about a time-travelling bull. I love the voice you created for Hooves. It's really unique. A fantastic story, with a perfect ending line: "I am the noble bull that legends are made of." Lovei t!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Pretty Ugly Words  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi IceSkatingSugarCube ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a lovely reminisce of a happy time in your life. (I assume it is based on your own experience. It definitely reads as though it is.) When I first read this, it brought a huge smile to my face as it exudes happiness and warmth.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and happy. Your love shines through, and it is clear this is a very happy memory for you. It's a joy to read.

Mechanics: The form is a Ya Du. I also wrote one of these this week, and I found it really difficult. It didn't come out nearly as well as this one. You have stuck to the form perfectly, and all the rhymes are spot on.

My Favourite Part: The fourth line is my favourite: "Dancing. Dark. Booze." It sounds fab; like the perfect holiday. I imagine it was incredibly romantic. I love that word in the middle; dark. It says so much.

I have no suggestions for you. I really think this poem is perfect as it is. It's a delight to read, and it's a perfect example of a Ya Du. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Far from home?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Xiea

*Balloonv* I am happy to review you as part of our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group12th Anniversary Free For All Raid! *Delight*

I found this piece of prose in the Read & Review section, and I thought I would offer you my thoughts via this review.

*StarV* Firstly, Tom Holland is cute. You are very right about that.

*Starv* I always find it interesting to read other people's opinions, even when they are not the same as mine. I think that's how you learn; by finding out about people who aren't like you. So this really interested me.

*Starv* Firstly, just a small grammar point ... " ...I'm never able to execute what I was planning upon initially and then I end up writing some crap ..." This is part of a sentence which is a little run on, but it is the lack of a comma after the word initially that tripped me up. I would add one, and it would make this sentence clearer.

*StarV* With regards to your thoughts and philosophies, I would love you to elaborate on why you believe it so terrible to only be yourself. It's an intriguing thought. I wonder what is so much better about being somebody else? Personally, it doesn't excite me to think about being someone different wherever I go. Maybe when I was a teenager, it might have appealed to me. But nowadays, I think a life of constantly having to pretend and be untrue to myself would be a waste of a life. You don't make genuine relationships when you aren't yourself. Trust me: I've been there.

*StarV* Lastly, I want to say, please don't think I'm judging you. I'm not. I simply read your hypothesis and disagreed. No judgement. People are all different.

This piece of prose surprised me because I haven't really considered having this point of view before. At least, not consciously. I know I've pretended to be someone other than myself in the past. But I never really thought about it before. This is good, though. Thought-provoking.

Choconut

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Review of never hesitate  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Rhyssa

*Balloonv*I am happy to review you as part of our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group12th Anniversary Free For All Raid! *Delight*

I found this poem in the Read & Review section. It's delightful, so I had to send you a review as we celebrate the Power Reviewers.

*Starv* Everything about this poem makes me smile. From the beginning, where you know you would be fighting a losing battle were you to say no to your daughter's longing for this puppy. I love how you note that in six months' time, the puppy will be bigger than your daughter. However, she's already named it, so you have no choice.

*Starv* All of the grown-up reservations made me smile. It's impossible for a child to understand any of them. It's true that parents know exactly what it means to take on the responsibility, and all the promises in the world won't make your little girl understand. All she cares about is how cute it is. To be fair, I think a lot of adults may get taken in by the big eyes and soft ears, too.

*Starv* The verse that covers the things dogs "don't like" is funny. I have a perpetually-hungry labrador, and he would eat anything he could find. Probably, including brussel sprouts! The image of the dog lurking beneath the dinner table made me laugh. They really are dustbins, aren't they!

*Starv* Finally, I love the verse near the end where you say, "and when he covers her face / in doggy kisses / don’t wince / or reach for the disinfectant." All of your mother instincts scream at you to keep your little ones germ free. But, you know that's not always possible. Plus, a few germs are actually a good thing.

This poem is fab! I have no suggestions. Oh, I almost forgot, I love the last verse. That had me laughing. I think most people will relate to this to some extent. It's funny, but that's because it's so true. You hit every nail on the head, and it's a delight to read.

Choconut

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Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "July 1, 2019
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I love the direction you took this prompt. It's so clever, and it got me researching some of the things you mention. So I've actually learned a couple of things, as well. For example, I've heard of planets in retrograde, but I've never really considered what it means. Now, I know. How interesting. I also had never heard of a stick and poke tattoo. I have seven of the normal machine ones, but I'm not sure I'd be brave enough for one of these. I love the tattoo in the picture. Is it yours?

Mechanics: This is free verse. I love the end-of-line rhymes for review and tattoo. The whole poem is almost like a bullet. The words are fired at the reader, quickly and precisely. That adds to the feeling that time passes really quickly, and in that time, we lose many things along the way. Just one typo ... There is no space between the words rewind and review. I think there should be one.

Rhythm: The rhythm is fantastic in this poem. The rapid pace created by the middle three lines gives the whole poem a great rhythm.

My Favourite Part: The rhythm has to be my favourite part of this poem. Although, I love it as a whole. The way the words could be unconnected, especially the last line (that one is random), yet they work together, complementing one another perfectly.


I really like this poem. I think you've done a great job with the prompt. It's original, and an incredibly enjoyable read.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Pretty Ugly Words  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi IceSkatingSugarCube ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, my gosh! I can relate to this poem. It describes pretty much any day at the beach where I live. It really made me smile as you described how the wind and sand combination was a less-than-pleasant experience. It reminded me of holidays, sitting on the beach eating gritty sandwiches as a child. Happy memories.

Voice/Tone: The tone in the first verse is one of exasperation. The narrator is fed up with the ruined day at the beach. However, in the second stanza, back in the comfort of the cabin, everything seems better although she is stuck in the cabin.

Mechanics: This Welsh form is a tricky one. I struggled with the rhyme and cross-rhyme when I wrote this form. You have handled it really well. The syllabic count and rhymes are all spot on. They give the poem a great rhythm. There is just one place I would look at if I were you. The third and fourth lines in the second verse don't flow as well as the rest of the poem. Your enjambment, while it works well in the rest of the poem, doesn't work as well here. I found myself pulled out of the poem and having to re-read these lines to make sense of them.

My Favourite Part: I love your opening lines: "Such a windy day at the beach! / Towels and chairs flew out of reach." Again, I could relate to this image. The memories it evokes in me are so happy. I also think the overall effect of the poem, the big picture it creates, is fab. It's humorous, and I'm sure everyone will be able to relate to days like this.


This is a great example of a Cywydd llosgyrnog. It makes me smile and gives me a lovely warm feeling as I remember happy childhood days on holidays with my cousins. Really nice writing!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi LazyWriter ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your Strawberry Surprise review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is unlike any story I've read before. I love how unique it is, and I loved learning about the world and lives of the seapeople. Your opening line is a fantastic hook. It also introduces us to the story really nicely by mentioning seamonsters and Rar.

Plot: This is an epic story of a fifteen-year-old boy's heroic actions which help to save his underwater village from an attack from seamonsters. It's a great adventure story, but also it has some lovely emotions in it. Rar's sadness at the prospect of losing his father is moving. I love your ending. Rar had to be the next in line to become the Child of the Water. Plus, he is reunited with his family, and that is a lovely touch.

Characters: Rar is a super-speedy swimmer with lots of courage. He's likeable and heroic. But, more than that, he's real. He's frightened when he gets separated from his father. He is annoyed at the thought of how his sister could abuse his new status. He's impressed by the promise of magic. Everything about him is authentic. His father appeals to me, as well. He tries to protect his family in the face of adversity. His relationship with Rar is lovely. With regards to the Child of the Water, it would be good to have a little more description. We know he has blue eyes, but that's about it. As he is so grand and important, I think there would be something more outstanding about him, even if it's his clothing. Also, the seamonsters first appear, but it takes a while before we have any description of them. Have you considered making the first sight of them bold and eye-catching in some way? They are an important part of the story, so I would make more of their first appearance to the reader.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I have put in this dropnote ...
Grammar/Typos/Spellings

What I liked: I love the story of how this young boy carries out such a heroic act. I love the battle scenes. The relationship between Rar and his Dad is fab. More specifically, I love this line: "The laugh died before it could come alive." That's a great description.

Suggestions: Sometimes, you tell your readers the story rather than showing it. For example, you say this about Rar trying to lift the metal rod: " It took a phenomenal amount to energy to lift it again as the seamonster kept at him." You could show how much energy it takes by showing Rar groan, strain, turn red with effort; those kinds of things. At the same time, describe the feeling of the seamonster's tentacles whacking him, the smell of the creature. Try to use as many senses as possible to really pull the reader into the story.

I enjoyed reading this. I think your idea is unique and fresh, and I love your imagination. With a few more details in your descriptions, it could be fantastic!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Ailurophobia  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ForeverDreamer ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your Strawberry Surprise review from my Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is delightfully dark. When I saw your title, I was intrigued because I didn't know what Ailurophobia meant. As for being afraid of cats, I can kind of see that. They are very self-assured and aloof. You do get the impression they feel they own you. As I first read through this story, I had a smile on my face. I love your imagination. You have done a great job with making this tiny cat feel like a scary monster.

Plot: Oh, Daniel. Trust your gut feelings! This story about an evil vampire cat is really nicely told. We know something bad will happen; the cat will attack. We just don't know how or when. I love the part where Daniel lay dead on the sofa with the cat on his chest. Just like he described previously. There must be a whole race of vampire cats out there because Daniel's family have encountered them before; hence, his phobia. Although, in this case, I wouldn't say it's a phobia because phobias are irrational fears, and this is perfectly rational. It's a great plot. I haven't read a story like it before.

Characters: Daniel and Sierra are a cute couple, and I found myself wanting them to get together, even though I knew it would mean something nasty for Daniel. My favourite character, though, is Cheri the cat. At first, I was a bit thrown when you began writing from her point of view. But, then, I realised how clever it was. Cheri's voice is the voice of threat and danger, and she quickly becomes the villain of your story.

Grammar: One suggestion I have is to write internal thoughts in italics rather than in speech marks. It would distinguish thoughts from speech a lot more effectively. Also, a minor point: " She had a quiet, kind vibe about her that eased his anxiety ridden soul." Anxiety-ridden should be hyphenated.

What I liked: I love the last line! That is a touch of genius. "Newborns have the sweetest chi of all." The way you drop in this fact that Sierra is pregnant is fab. We know Cheri will feed on the baby's chi for all its worth. Also, more generally, I love the plot. It's so different, and I can totally see cats having this evil streaks running through their cute, cuddly bodies.

Suggestions: Watch for narrator intrusion. An example of what I mean is: "'People in my family have always told stories about how cats are evil, and steal people’s breath.' This archetypal belief served to protect people from predatory cats." Here, you are holding a conversation between Daniel and Sierra, but then you add this piece of factual information that seems to be the narrator speaking directly to the readers. This kind of intrusion brings the reader out of the story and loses their concentration.

My other suggestion is to watch your use of passive voice. So, words like was, were, is, am, etc. When you use these words, you slip into storytelling mode, and it creates a bit of a barrier between the reader and the story. By using active, strong verbs, the reader becomes a part of the story. They see it from inside the world. So, for example, your opening line reads, "Daniel Williams was looking forward to tonight. It would be the first time that he visited Sierra at home." Why not show us Daniel's state of mind rather than tell us? "Daniel checked his reflection in the mirror for the hundredth time that night. His stomach churned at the thought of visiting Sierra's home. You can do this. Deep breaths steadied his nerves, and he grabbed his car keys and headed out the door."

This is an enjoyable story. It's a cool idea and, on the whole, really well written. You could make this into a much longer story if you wanted; a novella maybe. I can see a whole vampire cat population running riot. For now, though, great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of The Ad  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi William Stafford

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your Strawberry Surprise review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I'm intrigued. I love the whole setting of the seedy bar. The bartender is a little creepy, and the two men who come to meet Tom are very interesting. I enjoyed reading this. You have piqued my interest.

Plot: A guy who is down on his luck answers a job ad asking for someone to travel back in time with. Who wouldn't answer that? I'm glad Tom is dubious about the genuine nature of this ad. He expects it to be a scam but goes along anyway. You'd have to, though, wouldn't you? Just in case. Although, I would have been wary about all the mentions of having a weapon.

Characters: Okay, I have to confess, I'm a little confused by the characters. I get who Tom is. But, when the two men enter the bar and mention names, it's not clear who is who. Is Rick the bartender, or one of the men? I also got confused at the end of the story when everyone was speaking with no dialogue tags. It was difficult to sort out who was speaking. I did get the Tom & Jerry joke, by the way. If you added a few actions into the dialogue, it would make it clearer.

Grammar: In general, you use a lot of ellipses at the end of Tom's sentences. Ellipses are generally used when speech gradually fades out, not when speech is interrupted, as you have used them. Em dashes ( — ) are better for interruptions.
More specifically, I have a few suggestions which I will put in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos

What I liked: I love your opening line. That ad in the paper is pure brilliance! Not only does it hook Tom's attention, but it also hooks your readers. It's perfect. I also love the way you create suspense and carry it right through to the end. We don't learn exactly what the mission is that is so dangerous people need to take weapons. We don't learn where in time the pair of men are planning to travel. Also, who is the bartender? He seems to know what is happening. He's also delightfully creepy.

Suggestions: My main suggestion is to rework the beginning a little. I like the ad in the paper. That works. But, rather than telling us how Tom is down on his luck and has had a lot of jobs over the last two years, it would be better to show us Tom in his home. What I mean is to write something along the lines of: "Tom sank into the worn armchair. Brown upholstery frayed on the arms. On the TV, the plastic morning presenters extolled the virtues of botox. Tom sighed and picked up the paper. The jobs section seemed to get smaller every week. Flicking his eyes over the job titles, he stopped when he came to something different: 'Wanted: Someone to travel back in time with me. Must bring own weapons. If interested call…' A spiral of excitement coiled inside him." And so on. Do you see how much more we learn about Tom and his situation by showing the scene unfold, rather than telling us about it? That is what I would change about this.

I really enjoyed reading this. I think, with a few tweaks, it could be fantastic. I'm already hooked. I want to know more about this mission and exactly who the two men are. It's all very cloak and dagger, and I love it! Nice work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Yet Again.  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Xarthin

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is another futuristic story which I really enjoyed reading. I wonder whether it is connected to 'Shadows of Tomorrow' as it also mentions Defcon 1?

Plot: In your brief description, you say this is about a 2020s entrepreneur. However, that's next year. It doesn't seem too far away. At least, not far enough to have such sophisticated robots interacting with humans as though they, too, are human. I found it a little confusing. However, aside from that, I really like the plot. I can genuinely see humans and robots interacting and living alongside one another like this in the future. Although, maybe not next year.

Characters: Mr. Marlowe is nasty. A spoiled, selfish man who is actually quite stupid and doesn't understand his own job. He has robots doing all the work for him. Hmm. Is this meant to be a parody of anyone in particular? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Despite Marlowe being vile, he is compelling. He is a commanding character, and it's impossible to ignore him. Already, from this short story, I want to see him suffer.

Grammar: Again, I have a few points which I have put in this dropnote ...
Grammar/Spelling/Typos

What I liked: Marlowe. Yes, he's hideous, but in a good way. He's a compelling character, and I want to read more about him because I want to witness his downfall. Specifically, this description stood out to me: "With a bellyful of calories in my stomach ..." I love this. I also love the reference to how he spends too much time in the "red district of this fine town."

Suggestions: In general, you use a lot of similes in your descriptions. It's a good literary device to use, but be careful not to overuse it. You are on the point of using too many in this story. Just keep an eye on that. More specifically, I had a real problem getting my head around this sentence: "fully aware of the reality that the plausibility of my justifications had been running drier than my bank account." It's not clear or concise. I would try to rewrite it, especially as it is right at the start of the story, and you want to draw people in at this point.

I really enjoyed this story. I think you have a huge imagination, and I will definitely be returning to your port at some point. I love your writing style. Nice work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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242
242
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Xarthin ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the first of your (long overdue) Chocolate Fudge reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a great piece of dystopian fiction. The setting of a world post nuclear war is cleverly written. You show the reader snippets of information which make us feel sad for Nadia and Rudolph. I really enjoyed reading this. It was so easy to get lost inside the story.

Plot: A world post-nuclear war. I think the war wiped out humankind around a quarter of a century ago, and things are just beginning to show signs of changing. Maybe people will leave their bunkers soon and start rebuilding the world. Nadia's reflection on this possibility is bleak. There will always be those who want more power and, when they get it, "Then he'll get bored to the point where pressing that tiny button won't seem such a bad idea. And boom! We know the rest." I actually found the story of them being outside of life whilst remembering how it used to be, and seeing things as they once were, is really moving. This description is beautiful: "The chains of the swing dangled like a hanged man in the last spasms of agony." It's such an accurate description, and it also shows the life that used to be, and how it is now out of reach for these characters.

Characters: I didn't realise Rudolph and Nadia are ghosts until the very end. I'm not sure what I thought they were; maybe two people stuck in a bunker together. However, ghosts make perfect sense. I love that Rudolph crashed his plane into the library where Nadia was studying, and that's why they are both haunting that particular spot.

Both of the characters are painted with so much humanity. Little details, like the way Nadia giggles, remind us that these were humans, just like the rest of us. Nadia seems so young, and it's really endearing the way Rudolph tries to look after her. He is a great character, too. The guilt he carries for crashing into the library is touching. Although, as the rest of the world was wiped out, he probably did them a favour in the long run.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I have put in this dropnote ...
Grammar/Spelling/Typos

What I liked: The whole story! It's beautifully written with some fantastic descriptions that put me right in the library next to Nadia and Rudolph. Specifically, I love this description: "A movie projected around her in black and grey by the rays of a dying sun, struggling to penetrate the festering duvet of dark clouds above her head." You do a great job of creating this post-apocalyptic world. But, more than that, you have written some wonderful characters who really tug at the heartstrings. It all comes together so nicely.

Suggestions: One tiny point ... You use the word truly a few times. I know you are trying to show Nadia's speech pattern, but it doesn't quite fit. Could you show her character through actions rather than repeating this word? It just stands out a little, to me.

I loved this story. I love your characters and the world they inhabit. When I learned they were ghosts and prepared to haunt if need be, it made me chuckle. Really great writing!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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243
Review of Now Serving  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Writer_Mike ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review from my chocolate emporium.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Wow. This piece left me with a lump in my throat. I think it's partly because the news over here has been filled with the D-Day celebrations over the last few days, so this 'brotherhood' between serving men (and, nowadays, women) has been a focal part of our TV screens. Just this morning, I passed a house while walking my dog that had the UK and American flags side-by-side in their garden. But, back to this short story, the way John's resolve is clear when he shakes the soldier's hand is a very emotional moment.

Plot: This is the story of someone who comes to the realisation that his life is destined to be lived in the armed forces. He feels the calling. I love how you show him gradually realising this through the way he thinks about different wars over a period of time. For such a short piece of writing, you show an awful lot, and most of it is emotional.

Characters: John has recently turned eighteen. So, in terms of years, he is a man. But, it is not until he understands the reasons why he can't get thoughts of war out of his head and accepts his calling, that he truly becomes a man.

Grammar: Just a couple of points ... " ... and he himself didn't really feel any different." Technically, this is not incorrect. However, it would read better to say, " ... and he didn't really feel any different in himself." Also, I would change the semicolon in this sentence to a period, then begin a new sentence: "He found himself noticing the lapel pins on the old men negotiating the aisles at the store or sipping coffee at McDonald's; he soon started ..."

What I liked: The emotion! It really is a thought-provoking piece. Your writing style is so easy to fall into, and it keeps the reader hooked really nicely. And, the ending .. What more can I say? It's perfect.

This piece surprised me. I didn't expect to be affected as much as I was. As I said, maybe it's all the talk of the D-Day celebrations. But, it's not just that. It's your writing. You have a talent for engaging with your readers by creating wonderful characters. Great work, Mike. I'm so happy I got to read some of your work. I will definitely revisit your port when I get the chance.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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244
244
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Writer_Mike ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your first Chocolate Fudge review from my chocolate emporium.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a fantastic story which had me chuckling the whole way through. Telling the story through this lad's account of the events leading up to his incarceration for manslaughter is a great way to get the story across. Even though Martin is 'telling' the story, you manage to 'show' the events really effectively. The narrative pulls me in and holds me close until the end. I really enjoyed it.

Plot: Poor Martin. Practical Joker, Extraordinaire! One practical joke too many lands him in prison on a manslaughter charge. I actually felt a little sorry for him. He didn't mean to harm anyone; it was simply a piece of fun.

Characters: Martin, your main character, is very likeable (despite him being in prison for manslaughter). He is a great storyteller, full of fun and humour, and very engaging. I wonder how old he actually is, as we don't learn that. I'm thinking mid-teens? At least, at the time of the incident.

Grammar: Just one place to look at: " I'd had no idea, they had harbored such resentment." I would take out the comma.

What I liked: The humour. It's brilliant! I laughed so much while reading this. And, even though I could see what was coming with the old lady being scared (literally) to death, it was still told beautifully, and you held my attention effortlessly. I think what makes the story so good is Martin's narration. He is such a great character, and it's impossible not to like him. I think we probably all know one or two Martins!

Suggestions: If I'm to be picky, I would say I'm not entirely sure about Martin speaking to the counsellor. At the start of the story, the doctor says, regarding Martin's relaying of the story, "'And each time, the story has been a little bit different.'" I expected to learn a little more about this claim. I was expecting some big revelation to hit Martin as he told the story. But it didn't, so I wasn't sure why this statement seems so important. Also, it would appear that the entire session is Martin re-telling the same story and, through that, changing himself a little. But, surely, a counsellor would engage in dialogue with him, not just let him tell his story again and again.

This is a great story. I loved it. It's incredibly entertaining and beautifully written.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Honing the Craft  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Tinker ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This review is part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. You create some fantastic images in this poem. It is so peaceful and relaxing; very much like when you are in a forest with stillness all around. It fits perfectly. I love how you reference the Robert Frost poem in the first verse. That's a nice touch.

Voice/Tone: Everything about this poem is gentle and quiet. Reading it, I imagined myself walking through the woods with my dog on a sunny, still day in late summer. "Stillness" is the perfect word to use in your refrain. It sums the poem up in one word.

Mechanics: This is a Monchielle Stanza. I, too, have written one of these for the Ultimate Poetry Challenge (though, it's nowhere near as good as yours!). This form requires each line to have six syllables. However, there is one place where you have seven: "of a grey squirrel up high." Honestly, though, it doesn't affect the flow of the poem, and it doesn't detract from the overall effect. Other than this one place, you have stuck to the form really well, and you've created a fluid, flowing poem. (As I re-read this review, it occurred to me it could be a US vs. UK pronunciation thing. For me, 'squirrel' is two syllables. Maybe it is just one for you, though.)

My Favourite Part: Oh, so many places. Actually, I love the overall effect of the poem as a whole. The still, peaceful moment you create weaves through every word. My favourite verse is the last one. Especially the last line: "one with the silent sun." There is nothing like standing in the middle of nature and experiencing that oneness, that affiliation with the sun and the trees and the animals who live there also. It's such a beautiful image. I also really like how each verse, whilst connected to the others, creates an image of its own. In the first verse, Robert Frost. The second, the squirrel. The third, a beetle. The fourth, the sun's healing rays.

What more can I say? Tink, I love, love, love this poem. It reminds me of my favourite place in the world to be: Hinnegar Woods. I can totally relate to that feeling of connection to nature, and it leaves me feeling warm and happy. It really is a fantastic poem!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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246
246
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your last Chocolate Truffle review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is so funny! It had me laughing the whole way through. I could picture the scene so clearly. I mean, what girl hasn't been there before? I love how the mirror has a personality of its own. Not only does it know it has to lie to the lady, but it also knows to lower its voice so she doesn't hear its final comments. It's brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and filled with mirth. The narrator is omnipotent, and it's kind of like a fairy story. Except for that twist at the end. What a great moral to the story.

Mechanics: We have five quatrains, all with an aabb rhyme scheme. Your rhyme is spot-on which gives the poem a wonderful rhythm. There are no bumpy places. It skips along at a great pace. This actually makes the humour work even better.

My Favourite Part: The poem as a whole makes me laugh. I love the way you build up to the punchline in the last verse. This is my favourite verse. After telling the lady she has lost weight and looks great, the mirror says (in hushed tones), "'Good luck - with that caboose!'" Oh, my word. That had me laughing out loud. And then, the punchline: "The truth isn't just what's spoken... / ...it's also what is heard!'" Pure genius! I love how you separate that last line as well. It makes it all-the-more poignant.

Suggestions: You have missed out the quotation marks around, "I paid a lot for this dumb dress. Was it worth the price?" Also, in this line, the word sometimes seems a little out of place: "The moral of this story is that sometimes the lines get blurred." I would change sometimes to oft.

This is such a funny poem, Ken. It's a pleasure to read. What makes it extra funny is that I can relate to that girl big time. It's another fantastic poem. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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247
Review of Along The Way...  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Once again, you have smashed it out of the park! This poem is witty, reflective, and has a killer rhythm that makes it so enjoyable to read. I love the message in this poem. It starts out as a little nostalgic, as you looking back at the younger version of you and all the hopes, plans, and friends you had. It feels sad, as though getting older has caused you to lose all of that. However, by the end, it's a different poem entirely. In the end, you realise that all those things you thought you lost actually are unique to you. They combine together to make the you you are today. I love that! I think it's something we can only start to appreciate once we're older. That feeling of acceptance is quite a comforting one.

Mechanics: This poem is made up of eight quatrains, all with an aabb rhyme scheme. This rhyme is spot-on, and there isn't a single place where the rhythm doesn't quite fit. It flows wonderfully. It's as though the fluidity of the narration matches the fluidity of life. (Okay, maybe I'm looking a little too hard into it!)

My Favourite Part: The fifth stanza is a poignant one. It represents the stage in life (probably, middle life) where we start to realise we'll never do all the things we planned as teenagers, we'll never become all the things we wanted to be. There's a feeling of internal struggle in this stanza, and I can really relate to it. However, you bring it back in the last two stanzas, and I love that. These lines, in particular, are fab: " the things in my past weren’t just good-byes / but part of me now and always would be." It sounds like a personal poem, and it's great to see things from your perspective. It's positive and optimistic.

I don't have any suggestions for you because I think this poem is perfect as it is. What can I say? You honestly never disappoint. You are one of my favourite poets in the world.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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248
248
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. It is the first of a Chocolate Truffle package which Jody gifted you a little while ago.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a great poem! It's humorous and light and has a magnificent rhythm. It really is a joy to read. Not only that, but I could see myself in every single description. I think, sometimes, it's good to be reminded of our weaknesses.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and witty. I can see you writing this with a twinkle in your eye. I love your humour, Ken. I'm never disappointed when it comes to reading a funny poem you have written. That's also true of more poignant poems, but your slightly sardonic humour is the best.

Mechanics: I love how you put this together. The quatrains at the start and the end serve as bookends to the middle part which focusses on the four seasons. In this section, you have four lines describing the good things about each season, then you counter each one with a rhyming couplet that is like a grumpy, old man who is determined to be unhappy. However, this 'grumpy, old man' sounds very much like me. Which is a little worrying. It's a unique and creative form, and the rhymes you use set it off wonderfully. It skips along.

My Favourite Part: I love final couplet! "It’s up to you to direct where you’re going. / Your glass isn’t half full – it’s overflowing!" Oh, how true! What a great lesson. I also love this line in response to the description of birds' song and new birth in spring. After asking how it could sadden anyone, you say, " Oh, the pollen. Excuse me. Ah-chooo." I laughed out loud when I read that. Oh, also the part where you say a turkey may not be so keen on Thanksgiving. Very funny!

Suggestions: I have a one minor suggestion ... "The warm summer fades slowly away" - The word warm seems to disrupt the flow a little. You could take it out and have the same impact. Or, you could change it to something like, "Summer's heat fades slowly away." I'm not deducting any stars for this, though, as it's me being picky, and the line works as it is.

This is a fantastic poem. I really laughed as I read it, and I could relate to a little too much of it! I think I may have turned into a grumpy old woman! Great work, Ken. Loved it!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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249
249
for entry "The Beast
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Lilith of House Martell ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I have just entered the same round as you for this contest, so it was really interesting to see the different directions we took with the prompt. Honestly, yours is much better than mine! I love the darkness and the way you describe this person's effect on you as like trapping you in quicksand. One thing ... I say "the person", but I think you are actually speaking directly to your depression, aren't you? (I could have that wrong.)

Voice/Tone: This is a sad poem which I can relate to a lot. Both in terms of depression, and in terms of a monster luring you into his lair. The last line is the most upsetting: "My sad fate sealed." That brought a lump to my throat. And, it's definitely not how it has to be. Nothing is written in stone. We can escape (people, easier than our own minds).

Mechanics: Just one thing ... I would place a period at the end. Normally, I don't worry too much about doing that in poetry. But, as you have punctuated the other lines, I would include the last one in that.

My Favourite Part: I really love the personal voice of the narrator speaking to whoever (or whatever) is pulling them down. It comes across really well. Also, the quicksand metaphor is a great one. It makes me think of someone being pulled and sucked deeper down into their own mind, arms flailing, shouting for help. But with no one to save them but themselves. As I said, I may have read this wrong, but that's how it makes me feel.

This is a sad, but beautifully written poem. It's so relatable, and I love the direction you took the prompt. Great work, Lilli!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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250
250
for entry "24 Syllable Forum
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Tinker ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2019.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is perfect. Firstly, the way you have centred it looks really nice. Then, the actual words ... You do a great job of summing up what the 24 Syllables contest is about. It does take a lot of discipline and hard work to make the poem exactly the right amount of syllables. Personally, I find it much easier to write 24 lines than 24 syllables.

Rhythm: Although only four lines, there is a fantastic rhythm. Your use of enjambment between every line is a clever way of maintaining this rhythm. It flows, and it's easy to read.

My Favourite Part: I love the last line! The internal rhyme of the short e in stretch and condense is pure brilliance. It makes the poem sound fantastic.

I have nothing that could make this poem any better. It's perfect just as it is. I know this is purely aesthetical, but I love the colour you chose for the word regale. It looks pretty. Which, I know, isn't the point of the poem, but it does help to make it look appealing. Great work, Tink.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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