Hi Shadow Prowler-Spreading Love ,
I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" [E]. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.
Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first thoughts: This story made me smile so much! I love how you draw your readers' interest because we know that something has to be up with this holiday that Lydia has won. I spent the entire story trying to figure it out, and the ending absolutely delighted me. It was so funny.
Plot: Lydia, a naturally distrusting kind of person, wins a holiday to the Blue Lagoon Resort. There is something off about Maybel, but we can't quite put our finger on it ... until the big reveal at the end. Suddenly, it all fell into place. I loved the part where Lydia felt as though she were being watched the whole time. If only she knew! And all those salty soaks in the bath and massages with oils, then lying in the sun, baking themselves to perfection. Brilliant! I like how you used the grocery list prompt in this story. Very creative.
Characters: As I said, Maybel seemed a little off, as though she could be dangerous. I just couldn't work out how, until the end. Lydia seems to relax into the holiday really well. Once she is convinced she won't have to pay anything (in terms of money, at least!), she sits back and enjoys the hospitality.
Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I have put in a dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼
"Was the Piggly keeping track of sales or something?" - I think this is Lydia's internal thought. If you italicised it, it would be clearer.
"'and banners publicizing the event,' The woman explained." - The T in "the woman" should be small, not capitalised.
"No, I do not." - This should be, "No, I did not." It is answering the question: "Did you not notice ...?"
"'I hate to leave in the morning,' She said" - It should be a small S in "she said."
"Oh yes, the filled their bodies to capacity ..." - You missed the y off, "they filled."
What I liked: The way you build the suspense by not revealing who (or what) Maybel and her company is until the end. I like the way you have split the story into three sections, as well. And, I just have to say, as a Brit, I will always smile when I hear the words 'PigglyWiggly.' We don't have them over here, and I think it's one of the best names ever. I think it is great how you show Lydia and her husband doing and eating all the things the aliens want them to eat to make them tasty.
This is a fab story, Tina. A real joy to read. Not only is it funny, suspenseful, and shocking; but also, it is really well written. Nice work!
Most importantly, keep writing!
Choconut
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