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1,898 Public Reviews Given
1,917 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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126
126
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi MirandaCookies COLLEGE SOON ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "An Ebony Confectionary , and I'd like to offer the following comments. This is your second Chocolate Emporium review.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: The thing that most struck me as I first read this story is the relationship between Mia and Malia. They are completely at ease with each other. I have two best friends, and the three of us have been best friends since we were younger than Mia and Malia, and we have that closeness to this day (over thirty years later). So, it was nice to be reminded of how our relationship was when we were teenagers.

Plot: This isn't a big plot-based story. Rather, it is a slice of life. It is a scene in the life of Mia and Malia as they bake a chocolate cake together. I could almost smell that cake cooking when you described the "warm scents of cocoa" that "wafted through the air".

What I really liked: You are so good at choosing the right title for your pieces. This one, like the last I read, is clever and punchy. Personally, I often find titles to be the hardest part of writing. But you have a natural talent for getting it right. I love this description near the beginning: "A splash of a painter’s brush splattered the sky ..." I really like that. It creates a beautiful picture. The other thing I love about this story is the girls' relationship. But, I think you know that already.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a few suggestions which I will put in this dropnote.

Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: I would go through this story and take out all the unnecessary details. These are details that do not progress the story or build character at all. They are details that, if removed, will not affect the story at all. So, for example, you discuss Malia's height quite a lot, but it has no bearing on the story at all. I would cut this. Another part that I would either omit or expand on is the video. I thought we would get to "see" the video and what was on it, but it's thrown into the narrative and not mentioned again. The other point to consider is how the story is set in the very early hours of the morning. The mother who works hard as a doctor is asleep in her bed. Yet, the girls bang around in the kitchen, making a cake and listening to "loud music blasting". That seems pretty thoughtless of the girls, and I'm not sure they would do that. Not the music part, at least.

Final thoughts: I hope this review is helpful. I love your talent for descriptive writing. If you can write the action through the description, your writing could be pure magic. It's a learning curve, for sure. But, you are starting quite far along that curve. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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127
127
Review of Dinner al fresco  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Soldier_Mike ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is the second of your Chocolate Truffle reviews.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: For my second review, I wanted to read something more recent, so I had a poke around, and I found this short. And I am so glad I did! It really made me laugh at the end. I didn't see that coming.

Plot: Poor Dennis has been lured to the tower of the old castle. I'm not sure what he is doing in the castle in the first place. Maybe, renting a room? Anyway, he has received a mysterious note under the door to his room, promising a "rare viewing opportunity" if he climbs the tower at ten o'clock. I'm not sure I would have been lured that easily! But, Dennis thinks only of what he might get to see. As I first read this, I thought someone would push him over the edge of the tower, but that didn't happen. Instead, they knocked him unconscious, then invited their friends to drink his blood. Vampires. Love it.

Characters: Dennis is brave. And a little naive. I loved the tension when the "deeply hooded" man appeared. I held my breath, waiting to see how Dennis would meet his end. Because I knew he had to. The lead vampire is creepy. Let's face it, those hooded cloaks always lend an air of danger to a person.

What I liked: The last sentence! "To plump Yanks - may we never run out!" I laughed out loud when I read that. It's so funny. I also love the descriptions at the start of the coldness of the wind atop the tower. It helps to create suspense because it makes Dennis seem more vulnerable. This line, especially, is fab: "The keen wind pierced his jacket and sweater, knifing straight through to his bones."

I really enjoyed this flash fiction. It is well written and incredibly entertaining. The suspense is fab, and the ending, funny.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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128
128
Review of Home  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Soldier_Mike ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This review is the first of your Chocolate Truffles prize.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I see you wrote this some time ago, but your title and brief description caught my attention. I am reviewing it as though it is a story, but I think it may be based on personal experience. It certainly comes across as though you have experienced this. It's very emotional. I had a lump in my throat by the end.

Plot: This story shows the cruelty of Alzheimer's. It robs people of their memories, their identities, their past and future. I love the idea of the gated community that is anchored by the care facility. It's a great way to keep things as normal as possible for the patients. I have to admit, I didn't guess that the elderly man was Carl's father until the end. This is the place where I really felt the emotion. My husband's father had Alzheimer's for the last couple of years of his life, but he stayed at home with his wife. As a consequence, my hubby often got a call to go and find him and coax him home.

Characters: The elderly man tugged at my heart from the moment you described him as "meandering." That's such a great description. I love the way his son deals with him by giving him food and drink and encouraging him to talk. I can only imagine the pain of someone you love no longer knowing who you are.

Grammar: Just one thing. "Thanks again,..." Firstly, if you use ellipses, you don't need a comma, or any other punctuation (except the quotations marks). But, actually, I would add a period here. It fits better than ellipses or a comma.

What I liked: The bond between the two men. I love the way Carl is patient and kind and loving. When he says, "I love you." at the end, it's so, so sad. But, uplifting at the same time. Samuel is lucky to live in such a caring place and to have such a thoughtful son. This part, in particular, where Samuel is remembering stories from the past, is poignant: "almost as though he was describing a history, not his history." This disconnection is so hard to live with.

This is beautiful writing, Mike. You captured my attention right at the start, and by the end, I was incredibly moved. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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129
129
Review of Lucky Bunny  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shadow Prowler-Spreading Love ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Hazelnut Praline review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, this is such a lovely story. The little girl, Lydia, is so sweet. It's impossible to read this and not feel protective towards her. Even though she, technically, does the wrong thing. I can totally relate to her, though.

Plot: This story of a girl who really wants to win a jar filled with gumballs. But, in order to do that, she needs money. I love the whole scene of her standing in her bedroom, contemplating breaking her bunny piggy bank open. I could feel the turmoil going through her mind. She didn't want to break this as her grandmother gave it to her on the day she was born. She knows how important it is. But, she really wants those gumballs! Again, I totally get this little girl. Her solution — to take her brother's identical piggy bank and break that one instead — is the only reasonable way around her predicament. After all, he doesn't even use it anymore. I expected Lydia to get into trouble, but she didn't. Instead, she won the sweets. I love how she shared them with her brother in the end.

Characters: This girl really tugs at my heart. Your descriptions of her "strawberry blonde pigtails" and her "pink and white bike" remind the reader of how young she is. Although she is young, she is crafty. Torn between doing the right thing, and taking her brother's money, she opts for the money. The call of the candy is too loud!

Grammar: Just a few points: "Excitedly she ripped open the box ..." I would place a comma after "excitedly". Also, "there was an anemic rattle." I'm not sure anemic is the right word here. I think of it as more of a visual description that aural. Finally, "Her jade eyes darted up and down the narrow hall, insuring no one was around." I don't know if this is a UK vs. US thing, but "insuring" means placing insurance on something, whereas, "ensuring" would fit in this sentence. It means to ensure something is okay, that everything is as it should be.

What I liked: You've probably guessed: your characterisation of the little girl. She is really well-written and, for a fairly short piece, super well-rounded and believable. I'm so happy Lydia decided to share her candy with her brother at the end. I can't help but wonder if she confessed to breaking into his bunny, and whether she was punished at all.

Suggestions: I would change this up a little: "She frowned thoughtfully when she found nothing." A couple of things. Firstly, frowns generally are thoughtful, so I wouldn't add the adverb. But, this would be a great place to show us more of Lydia, rather than tell us how she looks. So, say something like, "She scrunched up her forehead as she contemplated her situation, hands balled at her side." Okay, not the best suggestion. But, something along those lines.

I hope my reviews have been helpful to you. I really enjoyed reading your work. You have a talent for writing descriptively. Nice work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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130
130
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shadow Prowler-Spreading Love ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is the first of your Hazelnut Praline reviews which Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH gifted you from my Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I love this story! I had no idea where you were going to take it by the description, but I was intrigued to take a look. And I'm really glad I did. I love your opening scene which describes the scene where the black cats are congregating. If I were to make one suggestion here, though, it would be to try to change the "vivid orange harvest moon" because this is three adjectives in a row to describe the moon. Can you describe the orange differently? Something like, "The terracotta harvest moon."?

Plot: This is such a clever plot. An annual gathering of all the black cats in the country who are on the last of their nine lives. It is called the "Accountability" whch is great. I love how you reveal that the secret mission of a black cat is to scare humans by crossing their paths. The more they are scared, the more points the cat scores. That's brilliant!

Grammar: Just one tiny typo: "The next time black cat skitters across your path ..." You missed out "a" after "next."

What I liked: Your description of the numerous eyes glowing in the dark is fab. And the collective purring as they wait for their leader to speak. It's quite creepy. I also think it's cool how cats of other colours don't believe the rumours of the black cats' mission. "Mumbo jumbo" they call it. That made me laugh. The question you pose at the end of your story, asking us to remember when a black cat crosses our path, it may be for their good luck rather than our bad luck, is the perfect ending.

Suggestions: I don't know whether this is just my misunderstanding, but this sentence doesn't make sense: "Many were the felines who met their demise foolish enough to try and devour one so wise." I've read it over and over, and I don't get it.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I will definitely give all black cats less of a hard time for freaking me out. In fact, I'll act like I'm super scared just to help them with their Accountability. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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131
131
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow Valentine ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the review from a Strawberry Surprise Package in "Rach's Chocolate Emporium .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is very funny! As soon as I began to read, I had a great, big smile on my face. The rhythm and rhymes works so well. It makes it a very entertaining read.

Voice/Tone: The tone is funny. It is light and lyrical. When I reached the end, I laughed out loud at your rhyme of "Edelweiss" with "price." Something about that really tickled me.

Mechanics: This poem consists of five quatrains, all with an AABB, CCDD, etc. rhyme scheme. This rhyme really lends itself to the humour in your words. Your punctuation is consistent and aids the poem in giving it a great pace.

My Favourite Part: The humour. It's so funny. It's given me a real feel-good feeling first thing on a Monday morning. More specifically, this line really made me laugh: "'Erin Begorrah! What do you want?'" I could hear the leprechaun's voice as he said this. I also found it funny how the leprechaun is a trader in angora wool. That's a cool twist.

Suggestions: Just a couple of minor typos ... "was my agitated mind," I think this should be "were" because you are describing "things" plural. Also, you have placed an extra period at the end of this line: "Came a voice thin and gaunt.."

This is a great, funny poem that has really entertained me this morning. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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132
132
Review of Coronavirus  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. This review is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love this! It puts a humorous slant on all the doom and gloom we hear on the news every day.

Voice/Tone: This is funny. Instantly, I was amused by you naming your guy Cyrus so he could rhyme with virus. I would never have thought of that. I laughed out loud as soon as I started to read. Corona and Daytona, also. Brilliant!

Mechanics: This is a perfect limerick. It has a fantastic rhythm, and all the stresses are in the right places. It flows beautifully and trips off the tongue. It's a pleasure to read.

Rhythm: Fabulous! It's got a great pace.

My Favourite Part: The whole poem is fab. From your rhymes to your rhythm, it really is a wonderful example of a limerick. I love your use of the word "gyrus" at the end. I've never heard that before, so I have come away from this poem both amused and educated!

Thank you for sharing this humorous poem. I really enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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133
133
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. The review is also a part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a great scene-setter. The couple, Ryan and Arlynn, are going on a first date, and everything about it is charged and sizzling. I love watching the relationship between the two of them as they slowly settle into each other's company.

Plot: This story of a first date is one, I think, most people will relate to. That clumsiness, slight awkwardness, the want to avoid saying the wrong thing. But, at the same time, there is chemistry, a charge between the couple. They both fancy the other one, and every touch, every look, is filled with electricity. It is exciting, and you have done a fantastic job of showing us that.

Characters: I love both these characters. I think my favourite thing is Ryan's clumsiness near the beginning. It really endeared him to me. Also, he is the perfect gentleman and doesn't cross any lines. The kiss, at the end, is zinging and leaves them (and the reader) wanting more.

Grammar: I have a few grammar suggestions. I'll put them in a dropnote because, while I think they are important, I don't think they detract from the sensual feeling you create in the story.
Grammar/Typos

What I liked: The chemistry between Ryan and Arlynn. I love watching them progress through the date and slowly open up to each other. You do a great job with the physical sensations these characters feel when they touch. I LOVE the kiss at the end. It is perfect. And, the dancing ... ohh! It's so beautiful. I didn't want it to end. More specifically, this is a great sentence: "Her eyes seemed to dance like stars on a moonless night." I love it. It's such a great description.

Suggestions: Now, I know this exercise was written to show the sensual chemistry between Ryan and Arlynn, so they are your key focus. However, felt like there were some missed opportunities with regards the setting. For example, when they first arrive at the resort, you say, "The place was gorgeous. Stunning. It seemed to blend into the landscape." This really doesn't tell your readers anything. It could be anywhere, and we are left guessing. If you described the ways in which it is beautiful, it could add to the atmosphere of the story. You could really use it to your advantage.

I enjoyed reading this a lot. You have really given your reader a treat with all the sensual, sexual chemistry going on. I would love to see how these two progress with their relationship. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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134
134
for entry "Better Days
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Jeff ,

I am reviewing this blog entry in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. This review is also part of "I Write in 2020.

I was really interested to read this entry as I love to read about anything music-related. Music, along with writing, is the thing I don't think I could live without (okay, I should probably add my hubby to that list).

I have to confess, I don't know any One Republic songs. I've heard of them before, but I couldn't name anything they have sung. I listened to this song, though, and I really liked it. Now, I'm thinking I need to check out some of their other stuff. So, thank you for introducing me to them.

I am intrigued to know who Ryan Tedder has written songs for. I'm always fascinated by singers who have success in their own right, but also write for others and collaborate on their tracks.

I love how you discuss the strange, often frightening, times in which we are living today. We certainly have seen better times. And, I know, there are better times to come once this illness is quashed. I think it's also important to acknowledge that, for me at least, music is one of the things that will help me through the isolation.

I really enjoyed reading this entry. I loved listening to the song, and I found your thoughts and obvious enjoyment for the band really cool. Nice work.

Choconut

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135
135
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "March 17, 2020
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This review is part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an intriguing piece of flash fiction. I really like the reference to the Coronavirus near the end. Your analogy of this virus affecting our lungs because we, as the human race, have destroyed so many trees and destroyed the world's lungs, is clever.

Plot: If I'm honest, I don't fully get who the mysterious lady is. She seems to be magical, mystical, maybe a mermaid, maybe the Lady of the Lake. She is like a siren, calling the narrator to her, and they are drawn and unable to resist the chance to see her. I am intrigued by the narrator leaving this lady a whole bunch of microgreens, as though she feeds on them.

Grammar: I stumbled over the following sentence when I first read this: "They stay for a moment and then as expected leave with an empty pail." I think, if you put commas around "as expected" it would make it clearer.

What I liked: I love the mystery. I think you took the prompt and ran creatively in an Irish kind of direction with it. It works really well. I also love the ending. The end line is perfect: "I smell cypress, and fresh mowed grass, Breath in, Breath out." (Although, I would hyphenate "fresh" and "mowed."

I enjoyed reading this. It is a clever and, actually, thought-provoking piece of writing. Nice work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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136
136
Review of I Write In 2020  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a lovely poem about the peace and contentment we can feel when we stop trying to focus on a hundred things at once. It also shows the benefits of refusing to listen to the negative thoughts that flood our minds, and just trust ourselves. It is a really positive message, and I love the way you lay it out in this poem.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of tranquility. It feels like it is spoken from someone who has been meditating or practising mindfulness. There is such a sense of okay-ness with oneself. It is calming and reassuring.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, and you have used that form well. I love the words you use to describe the melodrama and pain. You use words such as "mine fields" and "onslaught" which are both fairly violent and destructive. (I would make "minefields" one word, though.) However, by the end of the poem, when you describe the acceptance you have gained, you change those words to ones like "quiet" and "peace". I love the way you compare the before and after state of your mind with a clever use of words.

Rhythm: On the whole, I like your line breaks. They lead to a great rhythm. As this poem is free verse, line breaks matter a lot, so I think you did a great job there. There are a couple of places, the rhythm feel a little off. The line, "A peace comes over me", for example. I might take out the a.

My Favourite Part: I love the end. It is so soothing. I love the very last line: "And nothing can touch me here." Here being in your mental state, as opposed to a physical place. I also love this line, "In the quiet space between thoughts." That is such a great description. We could all use a few more of those spaces. They are the places where we soothe our souls.

I really like this poem. I love the message and the way it makes me feel. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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137
137
Review of Let Eagles Fly  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sumojo ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I really enjoyed reading the passion of this man. I love that he grew up with his beloved Wedge Tail Eagles. All the information you give through the story is really interesting.

Plot: I'll be honest, this feels like more of a slice of life than a story. I appreciate the word limit may have had something to do with that, but it would have been nice to have a little more plot development. Yes, it does take place over a number of years, but if you were to show us more of Simon's passion, more of his feelings as he observes the birds and goes to the rally, it would feel more like a story. It would also pull the reader into the story. At the moment, it feels as though I am watching Simon from afar. I have to say, I love the direction you took the prompt. It is very original.

Characters: I love the interaction between Simon and the mother eagle. She eyes him warily, but in the end, she trusts him because he has been there for many years and never hurt her or her babies. There is a really nice moment where Simon climbs the tree and says to the eagle, "Hello, how's the family?"

Grammar: I have a few suggestions. Firstly, you have a couple of comma splices in these sentences: "This is her home, for nearly twenty years she returned to breed, always to this same tree in the hills of Western Australia." I would probably change it to a semicolon after, "her home." Or, you could use a full stop then start a new sentence. Also, this sentence contains a comma splice and is a little run-on: "The boy is only ten years old, yet he has a wildness about him, he feels he’s a part of nature, fascinated by the birds, animals and insects surrounding his home in the forest." I would place a full stop after, "about him." Maybe, change the following sentence to something like, "Growing up in the forest, he feels nature coursing through his veins. The birds, animals and insects living in his home fascinate him daily." (Just a rough idea for how to look at it slightly differently.)

There is one sentence fragment that doesn't make sense on its own: "His dreadlocked hair fastened by a coloured scarf." Should it be, "dreadlocked hair is fastened ..." Or, you could change it from a passive voice to an active voice by saying, "A coloured scarf fastens his dreadlocked hair."

Just one other point. Near the end, when Simon is at the rally, you say, "They waved banners proclaiming 'Save our Perth Hills!'” This is past tense, but the rest of the story is in the present tense, so I would change this to "wave banners."

What I liked: I love this description: "As the wind picks up, it brings the forest to life, the leaves a whispering audience." That "whispering audience" is fab. I also really like the passion Simon has for the natural world he grew up with. He really seems to respect it. The mother eagle is pretty cool, too.

I enjoyed reading this. It's a nice look at the relationship between humans and nature and the importance of our actions. We need to be more aware and more responsible. I like it.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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138
138
Review of Valentine  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Odessa Molinari ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a sweet scene of how children and their father work together to surprise their mother on Valentine's Day.

Plot: Three children eagerly await the arrival of their father because they know he is about to propose marriage to their mother. I love how they all work together. I think it's great how the woman knows something is up because the children are not so good at hiding it. I think that's very realistic.

Characters: The father makes me chuckle. Although he has arranged this romantic proposal on their wedding anniversary, his actual proposal is, " ...it's about time we got hitched." Not exactly the most romantic proposal ever. I also really like this description of the children when the mother asks them what is up: "'Nnnothing.' Guilty looks all around." That's a great image. I could really picture it.

Grammar: "Hands behind his back, Jake sidle over to his sister, Sara." - It should be "sidled".

What I liked: The children. I can just imagine them trying so hard to not give anything away. I can imagine their hushed excitement and conspiratorial giggles. I think it's a very real portrait of this family.

Suggestions: You spend a lot of the few words describing the children's physical actions. You talk about them hiding things behind their backs. I would have loved to see more of the woman's feelings. It would have drawn me into the story more. At the moment, it's more like: this happened, that happened, then this happened ... I would love some human emotions included. (That is possibly down to my own, personal taste, though, so I haven't taken off any points for that.)

I enjoyed this piece of flash fiction. I loved the twist at the end. I didn't see it coming. It came as a surprise to me just as it came as a surprise to the woman in the story. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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139
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Susan Hall Rudd ,

*Heart* I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is part of our Super Powerful Heart Raid. *Heart*

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a beautiful tribute to your mother. It is clear you love her very much, and she sounds like a graceful, beautiful person.

Voice/Tone: I love how you begin the poem by saying your mother is the greatest gift that God has given you. I can relate to that. As I read through, I found myself thinking of my own mother a lot. She sounds pretty similar to yours. She, too, was a faithful, kind, warm person, and there is no doubt in my mind she was the most precious gift God gave me.

Mechanics: We have five quatrains, all with an ABCB rhyme scheme. I really like the rhymes because they give the poem a great rhythm and pace. They work really well.

My Favourite Part: I love the place where you describe your mother as having a "sweet and gentle way." That is the part that most made me think of my Mum. Also, I love how you mention the sacrifices she makes for her family. I think the last verse is my favourite, though. You say the "poem does not do justice" to your mother and that she impacts your life by filling it with happiness beyond words. It's really moving.

Suggestions: There are a couple of places where the syllable stresses sound a little off. For example, "For mere words cannot express" The word "for" seems redundant here. It would have more punch if you cut it.

This is a beautiful poem. I love the sentiment, and it makes me smile as I read about this wonderful lady.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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140
140
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Bubblegum Jones ,

I am reviewing this item on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the first of your Chocolate Emporium reviews.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

I chose to review this item because it was the one you suggested. Now, firstly, I am afraid I have a disclaimer. I've never read any Dr. Seuss. I've never even watched any adaptations of any of his books. Maybe it's my age, but I think it's more that I'm English and we didn't really read him in school.

However, I have to say how much I enjoyed reading this. I love how you start with a kind of biography for the writer, then list interesting facts and things to consider regarding some specific books. I like how you make a point of distinguishing between someone who is isn't particularly fond of spending time with children and someone who doesn't like children. I couldn't agree more. I could live without screaming tykes running around causing chaos, but it doesn't mean I don't like children. Just ... from a distance.

You mention Edgar Allen Poe at the beginning, listing him as one of the great poets of all time. He is a favourite of my hubby. However, again, I'd never really read him until I met my American hubby. He isn't really taught that much over here. Now I've read him, though, I think he's great. And the mystery of who was leaving the annual roses and cognac is so intriguing. Especially, as it seems likely no one will ever know.

Again, I'm showing my ignorance here, but Sylvester McMonkey McBean is, quite possibly, the best name ever. It makes me want to read that book. Oh, also, Dr. Soice (like voice) is something I would never have known.

All the questions you have regarding his books, I suspect they are intentionally ambiguous and I guess they were meant to leave people wondering about them.

This is a really interesting essay about a great writer. Even though I haven't read his work, I feel like I know it a little, and I am interested to read some of his books now.

Thank you for sharing your love of this writer!

Choconut

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Review of My Beef? No Beef!  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Soldier_Mike ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Hazelnut Praline review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I appreciate this is an older piece of yours, but I couldn't ignore the title! It called out to me, and I had to read this. I'm so glad I did because it had me laughing the whole way through. I love the humour with which you write about Ted's enforced vegetarianism.

Plot: This story is set around a scene in a restaurant. We learn that Ted (who really wants to impress his girlfriend because he really likes her) has agreed to a brief period of not eating meat. But, oh, the scent of cooked flesh coming from the surrounding tables is almost too much for him to bear. This made me laugh: " I would have completely embarrassed myself ripping the delectable, lightly-seasoned flesh from the bone, if the guy who'd ordered it had waited any longer to start eating." Who hasn't been there? Not necessarily with a desperation for meat, but sometimes you can be so hungry while you're waiting for your food, you could pounce on the next table's meal. (Maybe, that's just me *Blush* )

Characters: I really feel for Ted. He likes this chick, Suzanne. I love how she "looks at him strangely" indicating she can see he is struggling. But, he tries to cover up and she is happy to settle for that. This is quite sweet. It shows how the couple are in the early stages of dating and still want to keep the other interested in them, even if it means they have to go without something.

Grammar: My main suggestion for the grammar in this piece is to watch your tenses. They are a little mixed up. The majority of the story is written in the past tense. But, then it changes here: "We'd gone out seven times now, and I truly do like her." This switch to the present tense brought me out of the narrative. This happens in a couple of other places, too. I would check over the whole story and fix those changes if you wanted to review this piece at any point.

What I liked: Your sense of humour. It shines through the story. I love the sweet nature of Ted and Suzanne's relationship. I genuinely laughed out loud when Ted thought about how much he likes Suzanne "(her apparent misunderstanding of the carnivorous nature notwithstanding)."

This is such a great, little piece. It says so much in so few words. I wonder whether Ted and Suzanne's relationship lasted. Somehow, I have a feeling it didn't.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Soldier_Mike ,

This review is the first of your Hazelnut Praline reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium . It is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

For your first review, I wanted to take a look at this wordsearch as I saw it on the Quills Nomination list. I was intrigued to see what you had come up with.

*Starv* I love the subject matter you chose for this puzzle. It is such an important subject that can always use a little extra awareness and support.

*Starv* You have chosen some great words to associate with breast cancer. In particular, it's good to see family and friends mentioned because they really help a person through the illness. Also, they need help to get through just as much as the person who is ill. If I were to add anything, it would probably be the word "survivor." But, you have included "strength" and "encouragement." So, that's good. The inclusion of words related to early detection and the importance of treatment are important, also. (Basically, I think you have got this wordsearch spot on).

*Starv* Here is another cool part about this wordsearch: it is fun to complete. Yes; it has a serious message at its heart. However, you have a good balance in the words you use. And, there is just the right amount to make the puzzle tricky, but not impossible. I like that.

Finally, I just wanted to say that as someone who had a breast cancer scare a few years ago, I am passionate about raising awareness about breast cancer. I had scans and a needle biopsy, and it was terrifying waiting for the results, but I got lucky. It could easily have gone the other way. My grandmother died of breast cancer when she was 56, so I really do know how lucky I was.

Anyway, I digress slightly. This is a great wordsearch. I am so glad you chose to create this for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Choconut

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Review of Starting Over  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "Starting Over, and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your final Orange Creme review.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Oh, wow. This really made me emotional. You write beautifully about the relationship between your main character and their grandfather. Even though we know the grandfather will die from the start, the part where your main character finds him in the orchard is really moving.

Plot: This is not a "big plot story". That's not the important part of it. Rather, it is a reflection of love and loss. It is about a character on the brink of a new life following the death of their beloved grandfather. I have to say, the carpentry part of this story really spoke to me. My dad had a workshop in our garden where he made all kinds of furniture, clocks, and other things with wood. He always smelled of sawdust. The memory of that has brought a tear to my eye. It was always a hobby with him, like the grandfather in this story. He worked to put food on the table and never took that step to do what he loved for a living. Oh. Yes, this has really moved me.

What I really liked: The relationship between the character and their grandparents is so lovely. The way they looked after this little six-year-old orphan is wonderful. Also, the ending ... Fabulous! " My eyes started to mist, making the road harder to see." This sentence made my eyes mist over, too! I think the way you end this story with the character walking towards a new life where they will become the carpenter their grandfather never had the chance to become is just great. Your last sentence — "I will make him proud." — will melt even the hardest of hearts.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Only one suggestion. " I stayed with my Dad’s parents; my beloved grandparents, while my folks took on these duties." The semicolon after parents doesn't quite fit. I would change it to a comma. Or, if you want to highlight "my beloved grandparents" I would use em dashes to surround those words.

Final thoughts: I love this story! I don't know whether you had anyone in particular in mind when you wrote this, but the characters felt very real. It's beautiful. Absolutely. Great writing.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of To Robin Williams  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. It is your second Orange Creme review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: As I browsed your poetry folder, the title of this one jumped out at me. As I first read through, I found it really moving. I didn't realise the world had a super moon shining the night Robin Williams died. It is very fitting, isn't it? It's like a beacon to his bright star. I love the image of us looking up to see the moon and remembering this funny, yet troubled, man.

Voice/Tone: The tone of the poem is sad but positive. Whilst you describe your sadness at how Robin Williams left the world far too soon, and the sadness that he couldn't hold on any longer, you also give hope that we will remember him with fondness and laughter. Which we do today. For me, I will always see him as Mrs. Doubtfire. I loved that film as a kid. Also, of course, I remember him as Mork. He really was a comic genius.

Mechanics: This poem is two quatrains with an AABB CCDD rhyme scheme. I love this rhyme because it gives the poem a great rhythm and pace. It reads smoothly, and because the lines are of fairly even syllabic counts, there are no bumps along the way. It makes it a pleasure to read.

My Favourite Part: I love how you link the super moon and the passing of Robin Williams. This image runs through the whole poem, and it seems so poignant. It is beautifully written. The last line really brings everything together: "We'll all be there, someday soon." This is perfect. There's no other word for it. It makes me stop and think about how short life is and how we never know what lies ahead for us. I also think your opening lines are fab. They are a great hook into the poem.

This is a wonderful poem. In so few words, you say so much about this man and the legacy he has left behind. The image of the super moon highlights how brightly Robin Williams shone when he was alive and how he continues to shine to this day. Beautiful writing. I loved it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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145
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Not So Calm Before the Storm, and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the first of your Orange Creme reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium .

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: This story did not go where I thought it would. When I read your brief description, I imagined some kind of conflict between the various bird watchers. Which, I guess there is. But, that's not the heart of this story. This is really about that cat. Oh, that cat! Evil to the core. It sounds kind of psychopathic by the way it charms its owner and terrorizes its guests.

Plot: The group of birdwatchers who are being led by a rather inept guide stumble across a cabin in the woods just as they realise a nasty storm is brewing. Naturally, they let themselves in, believing it to be empty. I love how you show them not getting along with one another. I really thought there would be a fight between them, or something. But then, out of nowhere, the cat attacked Mr. Twitch (which, by the way, is the perfect name for a birdwatcher!). I wonder whether the old lady knows what her cat is like. Maybe, she is some kind of witch. Maybe, she is brewing poisonous tea for her guests. Or, maybe she is just a sweet old lady with an evil cat. This is a good plot. I like the direction you took.

What I really liked: The humour. I laughed at your descriptions of the characters. Especially Mr. Twitch. The sarcastic, snarky-ish tone of the narrator is really entertaining. I love how she doesn't like any of her tour group. She kind of resents them, so her observations are super mean. I also love the moment the cat first launches itself from the rafters: "Suddenly, we heard this screeching sound and saw a flying pile of fur lurching off a ceiling beam, landing right on Mr. Twitch’s neck, forcing his head backward and through the window." Also, the "Fedora-shaped hole" in the window is brilliant! The way the narrator laughs at him is classic. Who wouldn't have laughed at this scene?

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a couple of suggestions that I have put in this dropnote.
Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: In some places, it feels like you could use a little more showing to pull the reader farther into the story. For example, here: "I noticed a lovely window facing the lake." At this point, it would be great to know in what way the window was lovely. Also, a description of the view would have really set the scene. My only other suggestion is to show dialogue between the characters. The narrator tells us what has been said a lot of the time when you could have shown the actual dialogue. It would have made the characters more real.

Final thoughts: This is a really entertaining story that I enjoyed reading. I love your sense of humour. Please take whatever you want from my suggestions and disregard the rest. They are only my opinion.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Smart Thing  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love this! It is so funny and an absolute delight to read. It has left me with the biggest grin on my face.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and humorous. I love how you fit all the prompt words and phrases in. Naturally, I love the parts about the labrador the most because they remind me of my Alfie. He definitely lives in his own bubble.

Mechanics: We have five quatrains, all with an AABB, CCDD, etc. rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They give the poem a wonderful rhythm. The lines are even and it flows beautifully. I think my favourite rhyme is the one of "Food Restaraunt Factory" with "dead car battery." That's a really clever rhyme. I could never have thought of that. It really made me smile.

My Favourite Part: The last line is perfect! "canines and bovines would surely know better." I love how you bring bovines into this poem, along with the canines. I think the first verse is a great hook into the rest of the poem. It sets the scene of the cold, wintry day with that hazardous ice covering the streets. "Should have known the day wouldn't be nice / not unless you like slipping on ice." That's brilliant! I've known a few days like that.

I have no suggestions for you, my dear HOOves. I think this poem is pretty darn perfect as it is! I love how much it has brightened my morning, and I thank you for that. Nice work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Lost Friend  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi bas ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. It is also part of "I Write in 2020.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an interesting direction for you to take with this prompt. I would never have thought of using the prompt this way, and it's good to see some originality.

Plot: There isn't much of a plot if I'm honest. It is more of a scene. That is mainly due to the word count restriction, though. There is only so much you can say in 300 words. However, it might have been nice for you to show the scene of Arun professing his love for Shruthi as it happened, rather than as Shruthi's memory of what happened. It would have been more intimate, more inclusive for the reader.

Grammar: My main suggestions for your grammar is to make sure you always surround people's names (when addressing them directly) with punctuation marks, usually commas. Also, make sure speech when contained in speech marks has a punctuation mark at the end of it. Always. Also, when it is a new sentence, capitalise the first letter of speech.

What I liked: I like the glimpse into Shruthi's feelings. She is sad because Arun was her best friend, and she feels that is now ended. I feel sad for her.

This is a nice, little scene. I would love to see more of this couple's relationship if you ever decide to expand it. It's interesting. I would also love to read Arun's point of view, and to see how he is hurt by Shruthi's refusal. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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148
148
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi River ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "Mr. Cantankerous Cabbage, and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the final Chocolate Emporium review from Megan's gift.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Once again, your title is terrific! I was searching through your port, looking for something to jump out at me, and this one totally fit the bill! It is funny, but also I think it applies to all cabbages. Personally, I think they all have a little evil inside.

Plot: This is the story of a menacing cabbage who sits on your table giving you the evil-eye. Unsure what to do with it, what there is that might make it tasty, you have to face it for hours before you find a recipe. I love the way you describe it as being "menacing" and "cantankerous." I would say this applies to every cabbage ever grown. I can't stand the things. I believe I may have spent many-a-time glowering at the specimens my father grew in his vegetable garden. That said, the recipe you chose does sound like it might be almost edible. At least, if it wasn't cabbage, it would!

What I really liked: This is so funny: "Boiled cabbage didn't appeal to me and so the cabbage and I were feeling out of sorts with each other." I love your portrayal of the uncomfortable relationship between you and this cabbage. It's a great take on personification. The cabbage really does come across as a person. I love the human characteristics you give it. This line is wonderful: "As I settled him into the sink and turned on the water, I could have sworn he sighed contentedly." I would love to know if you felt a smug kind of satisfaction from then baking him at 400 degrees! I would have. I have to admit, those "lightly browned edges" seasoned with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper sound tasty. My favourite thing about this story is the title. It's brilliant!

Final thoughts: This is a fab, little story, and a clever, unique exercise in personification. It works so well. I did not start out today thinking I would read a story about a cantankerous cabbage. I'm glad I did, though. It has put a smile on my face, and I thank you for that.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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149
149
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi River ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "Let Me Testify! , and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is the first review of three that Princess Megan Rose gifted you via my Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Oh, this is a wonderful story about the power and importance of faith and how, once you feel it inside, your life can change for the better. It's a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Plot: If I'm honest, this story didn't go where I was expecting it to go. The title was what drew me to this item. I thought it would be about a girl who wanted to testify in court. Initially, I thought it would be a crime story or thriller. I wasn't sure how it would relate to a talent contest, but I was intrigued to find out. I love how, in this case, the thing to which the character wants to testify is the joy that her faith gives her. That's such a clever idea. I love how Rebekah, who usually gets overlooked, is picked because of the way she feels inside, which shines through into her performance.

What I really liked: "Joy" is the key word in this story. It is the name of the song that gives Rebekah her frst solo performance, and it is the magic that she feels when singing the song. It leaves the reader feeling the joy, also. It gives the story a certain warmth and lightness. It's a lovely read, it really is.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I just have a few comma issues ...
Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: I only have one suggestion, and it doesn't affect the story itself at all. I would add the genre of "spiritual" to the list of genres for this story. It might get even more people to read it.

Final thoughts: This is a great story about the joy of faith. It shows how, if you believe, it changes something deep within you. I like that idea. Great writing!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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150
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Shannon ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Death of Tucker Ray, and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers. This is your final Chocolate Emporium review.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Wow. This story is so emotional. You write beautifully about the pain this man suffers because of his abusive childhood. Seeing him stood on the Golden Gate Bridge, ready to jump and check out, is just so sad. The reader easily connects with Tucker. We want him to survive; survive and thrive.

Plot: A young man needs to lay his past to rest by burying the abused child he used to be. The question is: Does that mean he must bury the adult him at the same time? I love how he thinks if just one person asks him if he is okay, he won't do it. That resonates with me big time. It's such a realistic portrait of this man on the edge. With all my heart, I wanted someone to ask him. Then the Chinese tourist, Kuan-yin, speaks to him and touches his hand. I looked up the translation of her name, as Tucker said he would, and I see she was the Goddess of compassion, mercy, and kindness. Perfect. The final part of this story, with Tucker and Kuan-yin dropping the photo into the water is just wonderful. I was so glad for the appearance of Kuan-yin. The way she wasn't afraid to offer help, to offer an ear to listen to whatever was troubling Tucker, was a nice touch. I was so happy he didn't jump.

What I really liked: Tucker. I love the way he keeps looking at the photo of him as a child and rubbing its dog-eared corners. I can picture that. The way he feels protective toward his younger self, while at the same time wanting to bury him, is so poignant. I had a lump in my throat through most of this story. You connect with your readers so well. I also love the words Tucker speaks when he drops the photo into the water: "Rest in peace, little man." Oh! My heartstrings are tugged!

Final thoughts: This story is so emotional. I felt a little wrung out by the end. Your character of Tucker is fantastic! He will stay with me, I think, for quite some time. You have done such a great job of writing about him. The picture at the head of your story adds to the feeling that we know this damaged man who used to be the young, frightened child. Great writing, Shannon! Just ... fantastic!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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