Hi fyn ,
I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" [E]. This is a Turkish Delight review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .
Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first thoughts: This story is fab! I love the way you don't explain the circumstances surrounding the mass power outage. It could be any, old power cut, caused by fallen trees onto power lines. But, we know it's more than that by the plane falling out of the sky and by the main character's father preparing for this happening.
Plot: You hooked me right at the beginning with the person walking through the snow in the dangerous part of the neighbourhood, trying to get home. Immediately, your readers have a sense of unease, a sense that something terrible could happen to your character. It really is a great hook.
As you take us through the story, we try to figure out why there is no power. The outage is so bad that a plane falls out of the sky and Rob's cab stops dead, forcing him to walk. Everywhere is silent as he walks. No footsteps in the snow, no people around, and this adds to the sense of suspense that is constantly building. Then, when Rob finally gets into his parents' home, he finds them both dead. It felt inevitible, but it was still a sad moment when he first found his mother. We wonder who is responsible for this death and destruction. The confusion continues until the end, when Rob and Sam are driving to the safety of the cabin, and gunfire can be heard around them.
Characters: Rob. I have to be honest, it surprised me when I discovered he was male. It was fairly near the end, when Samantha called him Uncle Rob. It kind of jolted me out of the story momentarily. I'm not sure why. I just thought he was a woman. He is a great character, though. And, I love the partnership between him and Sam.
Grammar: A few minor points which I have put in this dropnote:
Grammar/Typos/Punctuation ▼
"Snow clung to every branch: delicate, lacy. pristine." - It should be a comma after "lacy", not a period.
"I'd been on the road and one assignment or another had kept me a world away from home." - There should be a comma after "road".
"Mom? Dad?' Nothing. - It should be double quotation marks after "Dad", not single.
"The realization her oxygen machine wasn't running brought a had to her head and I knew." - Firstly, it should be "hand", not "had". Secondly, you need a comma after "head".
"Sitting at the kitchen table, If only." - I'm not sure how to make this clearer. Maybe, say, "Sitting at the kitchen table, the words I wonder kept running through my mind."
"I nodded, not knowing what else to say, what I could say." - It should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.
What I liked: So much! I love the mystery. I love the suspense, the feeling of danger and of not knowing what is happening. I wonder if it is an attack from Russia or North Korea. The scary thing is, the scenario you have described isn't outside the realms of possibility. More specifically, you have some beautiful descriptions. "The veil of civility shredded in mere moments as the inner beasts came out to play." That sets a menacing scene that instills that great feeling of suspense in your readers. I think my absolute favourite part is where Rob hears the cardinal sing for the first time in years. That really struck a chord with me. I also love the way you write, "I watched as several miles away a jet fell from the sky." This is casually thrown into the narrative, and the way it is casual makes it even more jarring. It's a brilliant shock, and it ensures there is no way your reader will leave your story before the end.
Suggestions: I think the only area that was a little weaker in this was the emotions of your characters. Rob sees a plane fall from the sky, he finds his parents dead in their beds, he learns his sister is almost certainly dead. But he doesn't have much of an emotional response to any of it. He does take a moment after finding his parents, but immediately after, decides he is hungry and makes a sandwich. The same with his niece. As soon as she learns her family is dead, she thinks of the cabin in the woods and finishes off the sandwich. If you ever revise this, it might be good to explore their emotions further.
I loved this. You could write a whole novel about this. It's a fantastic starting point. And the team of uncle and niece can work really well. Really great writing, Fyn!
Most importantly, keep writing!
Choconut
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