I really enjoyed the way this flowed. The two first stazas especially because the transition from what you didn't pray for to what you did was very nicely done. I liked the repetition of the first two lines further down the poem.
I didn't really understand the line "But I did pray for finer this whose worth has no measure." It feels like it needs a comma somewhere, and the "this" seems a little off.
Overall, I liked reading this. I thought it was a very sweet poem, and the idea of praying for a friend is just lovely. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed the beginning especially, the way the man went through the CPR course while remembering the last time he had done it. Looking back adds depth to the story here, and it's not overwhelming. Nice. I couldn't see any major errors.
In the second section, the thanksgiving dinner, the paragraphs get harder to see. Maybe if this section was split up it would be easier to read. In the first section, where you've written "starring," do you mean "staring"? Also, having "The End" in a seperate paragraph might work better than having it run into the line before it.
Overall, the story is well written, easy to follow, and it held my interest well. I enjoyed reading this, Thanks for sharing.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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Hi, I really liked the idea of this poem, you really get across a sense of society becomeing colder. Nice work.
In the line "I wonder myself I can feel it anymore blazing around me consuming me." I think some commas will help to break it up, so it's more grammatically corret. Also, I would recommend putting "The people around us. The things around us." on two lines, so that each part of the line gets more focus.
I like the way you repeat "Numb to..." but the last line in that section, "Just numb" falls flat for me. What about "Completely numb," or even "Numb" at the end rather than the start of that section?
Just my suggestions, I hope they help. I liked the way you used repetition, and the whole idea of being so numb to feelings that we don't notice when we are getting burnt. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I like the way you wrote this. The descriptive words in the first two lines are especially effective.
I didn't really like the third line, the word "Tumbles" didn't seem to work for me.
Overall though, I enjoyed reading this, it was very effectively written. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really enjoyed this poem. It's very well written and I loved the way you told the story. My one recommendation would be the line "Soon found myself in sand sinking" I feel it may work better as "Found myself in sand and sinking", as the "sand sinking" seems a little off, grammatically. Overall though, this was a good read. Thanks.
qaz4
Hi, I like the idea behind this poem, that animals have just as much right to be here as we do. There were a couple of lines that didn't really make sense to me, for example "Makes you feel the need to just keep it along" or "Of what we could have saved NO rainforest stroll". I think the second line I quoted there needs a comma somewhere to seperate the ideas. Also, "until this horrifying job's done" seems a bit vauge, maybe you could be more specific about what is happening here?
I really liked the lines
"Clearing the forests and flattening the land;
Turning even the rocks to a course sand"
but did you mean "coarse" instead of "course"?
Overall, I think this poem has great potential, if you ever edit it and want me to have another look, let me know.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked the way you wrote this, I like the simple rhyming, especially in the second stanxa, that flows really well.
One word that I didn't really like was the word "Up" in the last line, I think a more descriptive word here would keep the reader involved.
Overall though, this is really well written and I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really liked this poem, it was a very powerful description of a performance. There are just a couple of things I would suggest having another look at, the line "recite, no don't do that" sounds a little contrary, perhaps there's another way you could say this so that the switch isn't so abrupt? Also, in the last stanza, it may flow better if you remove the "the" before entertainer. Just a thought.
Overall, I really loved this poem, it brought back so many memories of the last time I was on stage, too long ago.
Well done and thank you for sharing this.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Oh dear. I finished this poem and I couldn't help but laugh. What a wonderfully ingenious way to get across a message.
There were a couple of lines that I didn't think sounded quite right, for example the line "You question if this all works" seems a little wordy.
Overall though, I absolutely loved the theme here, and the last stanza is just brilliant. Well done.
qaz4
I am impressed, both by the poem itself and by your conviction to believe in it. It is very helpful, almost comforting in an odd way, if you know what I mean. Thanks for sharing it.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Well done. I thought this was very powerful. I liked the way the leaves were conveyed as wise, I think theres a certain timelessness about leaves on the ground.
I'm not sure if I like the use of the word "romp", I almost think it sounds too harsh.
Overall though, I really enjoyed reading this. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked the meaning in this poem, but I'm not sure that calling it a Haiku is quite right, as the second line only has 6 syllables. Maybe something like "Thrown aside as a lost cause" would work better, or anything else that adds an extra syllable. That's just my thoughts.
Overall, I did enjoy the poem. I'm glad you explained about the sparrow being thought to be extinct, otherwise I wouldn't have understood it.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really enjoyed this, I liked the way this rhymed, and it had some great imagery.
Just a couple of suggestions, in the line "Wandering in darkness grope," I wonder if there's a word that would fit better than "grope"? It doesn't sound quite right to me. Also, in the last line, "Giving in to this, my fate." may make more sense.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this poem. Thanks for sharing it with us.
qaz4
Hi, I thought this was well written. I liked the lines "No cover for her emotions
No cloak of I-don't-care " especially. For me, they add a real sense of vulnerability to the poem.
I didn't really like the line "But she is no longer inside", it almost felt too abrupt.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this, it almost flows like a song. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really loved this poem. I liked the way it flowed so well, and the use of repetition gives it a great sound.
One line that I didn't think worked as well as the rest is the line "And we found it nowhere..." The rhythm just seems a little different to me.
Overall though, I thought that this was wonderful, and it made a real statement about the world today. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked this poem. I love the way you really show the relationship here, especially in the last two lines. Very nice.
There's just a couple of things I would like to point out. "You are" shortens to "you're", not "your". I noticed you'd hadn't done this in a couple of places, and I got a little confused about your meaning. Also, the line "my life with you I want to share" didn't really work for me.
Overall though, I enjoyed reading this, it's a very touching look at your relationship with your husband.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked this. It was a lighthearted look at telecommunication.
There are just a few things I think you could improve on, for example the line "You can get at home your." doesn't seem to make sense. Also, in the line "But while on an office trip", "if" may work in place of "while".
I really enjoyed the contrast between the last two stanzas. Well done.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I like the way you've written this. I enjoyed the description, it made it easy to picture the scene, without being overwhelming.
A couple of things that I didn't think worked so well, is the "said her." in the line "“I see that you have finally liberated yourself,” said her."
Also, I think the description of "huge headphone-like equipments" could possibly be improved.
I like the way you show Jane zoning out by giving a little of the history, it really helped me get a feel for the setting.
I think you finished it very nicely, the repetition adds to the effect. Well done.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really enjoyed this poem, especially the ending. I like the point that you make, that it all depends on your point of view.
I didn't really like the part in brackets, it didn't seem to have as much rhythm as the rest of the poem, but that's just my opinion.
Overall, I really liked this, the comparison with the duck was very clever. Well done.
qaz4
Hi, I liked this poem, especially your second stanza, it strikes me as a brilliant description of sailing.
One line that I didn't think flowed quite as well as the rest of the poem is the line "Journey along the stormy wave". The word "along" didn't seem to me to quite fit.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this, and I particularly loved the ending. Well done.
qaz4
Hi, I like this poem. I like the way you express your emotions, for example in the lines "Follow me and I will lead". I love that line because it's very powerful.
Have a look at the rhythm, in some points it doesn't seem quite right, maybe reading it out loud will help.
Overall, I think this is a great poem, I'd love it if you decided to explain exactly what some of the struggles are, but its up to you.
Thank you for a great read.
qaz4
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port, I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked the way you used a metaphor to explain the feelings, but didn't overemphasise it.
I think that the line "had another then just one more" may work better with a comma after "another", but it's up to you. Also, perhaps the last line could be reworded, I think the part "first my last bite" sounds a little off.
Overall, I really liked this poem, you managed to convey the addicts experience well, beautiful writing.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked the way you repeated "I would" here, it's very powerful. Maybe ending each of those lines with a full stop would help with this effect?
I think a little more description is needed, especially at the end, as the whole poem gives the impression of building up to something, but we never actually reach a conclusion.
Overall, I think this poem has a lot of potential, I especially like the way you start off. Well done.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really enjoyed this, I just loved your message, and the whole poem is beautiful.
I've just got a couple of suggestions, the line "I do know what it will mean." may fit the rhythm better if the "do" was removed, and you miised a space in "feel,think,".
I love the last line so much, but I can't help thinking there should be a comma in there somewhere for emphasis, maybe after "it", the idea of taking things day by day seems to special to be rushed, if you know what I mean.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. Well done.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I liked this poem, I liked the idea that you expressed about time, however in the lines
"Time is one,
Moment or eternal"
prehaps it would work better with the comma after "moment", instead of "one"?
Also, perhaps the line "Could I have Your no time," could be reworded so that the meaning is clearer.
Overall though, I liked this poem, it flowed well, and I especially enjoyed the first verse. Well done.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed the way this flowed. The two first stazas especially because the transition from what you didn't pray for to what you did was very nicely done. I liked the repetition of the first two lines further down the poem.
I didn't really understand the line "But I did pray for finer this whose worth has no measure." It feels like it needs a comma somewhere, and the "this" seems a little off. 
Overall, I liked reading this. I thought it was a very sweet poem, and the idea of praying for a friend is just lovely. Well done.