Hello Writer,
The following review is based on my experience, knowledge and opinion.
It is written with respect for you as the author, and meant to provide you with positive feedback and encouragment.
Strengths:
This piece will haunt me for a few days. I had chills at some points. I wanted her to escape but at the same time, the ending was perfect!
The flock cheered. I peed a little. I laughed out loud here. It was such a relief to laugh at this point of the story and then fall right back into the danger.
Suggestions:
I found a few grammatical/technical errors taht could be cleaned up easily.
I remember the day that the demons first crept into my mind; When they began their attempts to confuse me, turn me away from the path and take over.
-no need to capitalize after semi-colon (when)
Everyone else seemed to ignored them,
Tenses: "seemed" and "ignored"
Should be: "Everyone else seemed to ignore them" "It seems everyone else ignored them"
“McGuire and Callaghan, Our brothers
Does "Our" need to be capitalized here?
It was nice when the rain passed quickly, when bad weather lingered it turned the compound into something of a swamp
This sentence is missing a period.
He touch was soft and reassuring, I didn't want to move anymore.
"He" should be "Her".
Instead I just asked them what the wanted.
-"the" should be "they"
while everyone was still be asleep
-"be" can be deleted.
Jonathon and Samantha appeared either side of me and lead me around a corner where no one could see us.
I think you need to add "on" between "appeared either".
It felt like my last opportunity, It was my last opportunity, but he had already turned and walked away.
I would replace the first comma with a period.
Final Thoughts:
The path embrace us.
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Alethia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Writer,
The following review is based on my experience, knowledge and opinion.
It is written with respect for you as the author, and meant to provide you with positive feedback and encouragment.
This review was one I have to say I struggled with. I loved the story. If it was spoken aloud, I could have easily rated it a 4.5
I want you to know I did not point out all these errors to critisize or pick on your piece.
I truly enjoyed the story and want to see it reach it's potential. However, there were a lot of grammatical and technical errors that will keep that from happening.
I have tried my best to help you, I hope you will take it for what it's worth.
Suggestions: The surrounding jungles were humid and untamed, with no hint of surrounding life.
Perhaps you could say no hint of human life. There is living things such as plants and trees; maybe just no humans or animals?
a Erie glow to them.
-Should be: "an eerie glow" No need to capitalize the word "eerie"
The lone figure seemed to take know notice of his surroundings
-"know" should be "no"
The dark figure seemed bent on a task that would change the course of someone life. In some cases the course of history.
-"someone" should be "someone's" referring to their life. The second sentence is incomplete on it's own. Try blending it with the previous sentence using a comma or semi-colon.
Through the foliage he eased through, Under vines and over logs.
-"Under" should not be capitalized.
but by the time he helped them it was to late.
-"to" should be "too"
Even know, not a soul could see him, people moved aside to let him pass.
-"know" should be "now"
-or is it Even though? No one can see him but they're moving out of his way? It's a little confusing here. The grass was dying and vines growing on the house.
-vines WERE growing on the house.
The grass was dying and vines growing on the house. Shingles mere inches away from collapsing. Several windows in the house had planks nailed over them.
I think you should use semi-colons to describe the house. Otherwise, you are left with some incomplete sentences.
the room, A canvas in the middle.
-no need to capitalize after a comma.
By the canvas lie a array of paint materials of different colors.
-"lay an array"
leaving the ocean seen without the colors of the sea.
"seen" or "scene"? In the master bedroom a dying man lay desperately clinging for life.
In the master bedroom, a dying man lay deperately clinging to life.
I added a comma and changed "for" to "to" He's clinging TO life; to live.
His body already decaying despite the life he furiously clung too.
His body WAS already decaying, despite the fact he was clinging furiously to life.
or
His body was already decaying, despite the fact he was fighting to live.
Through his body screamed for death
-"through" should be "though"
his soft like skin, The black coat that
-no need to capitalize after comma.
“Your hear to kill me.” Uttered the dying painter
"You're (YOU ARE) here (HEAR IS WITH THE EARS) to kill me," uttered the dying painter.
With a chuckle the Dying man exclaimed “You don’t look much like the old tails, the reapers of old are always skeletons and demonic.
Dying doesn't need to be capitalized.
"tails" should be "tails"
"Skeletons" and "demonic" are two different tenses.
You can say "skeletal and demonic" or "skeletons and demons".
But you….your nothing of the sort.
-"your" is "you're" YOU ARE
You..your magnificent
-"your" is "you're" YOU ARE
to bring a end too your suffering.”
-"a" should be "an" because it's before a word that begins with a vowel
-"too" should be "to"
but a intense longing for something unknown.
-"a" should be "an" because it's before a word that begins with a vowel
dying mans face
-"mans" should be "man's" because you are talking about his face. Something he owns; possions are 's. Theirs so much that I have yet to painted,
"theirs" should be "there's" THERE IS - Theirs refers to a belonging of them. For example: "It's not mine, it's their's"
dusk was fast approaching.
Dusk should be capitalized here as it is the first word of the sentence.
Neither mirrors nor any reflective surface could ever show him what how others see him.
-"what" should be taken out of this sentence and it would sound better if you replaced "could" with "had"
"Neither mirrors nor any reflective surface had ever show him how others see him."
what struck the him the most was despite his unnatural characteristics, he appeared..almost human.
"what" should be capitalized as it is the first word of the sentence.
On contact both figures seemed to glow bright.
There is a spacing error here and there should be a comma.
In till a sugary voice said “where are you taking daddy.” "In till" should be "Until" it should read:
Until a sugary voice said,“Where are you taking daddy?”(questions end in question marks)
Her eyes more blue the any part of the sky.
"the" should be "than"
He told her about how man Discovered the wheel.
-discovered shouldn't be capitalized. As he leaned over the dying man he uttered on last phrase
-"on" should be "one"
Final Thoughts:
Please let me know if you take my suggestions, and I will come back and re-rate your piece! It is a story worth revising and I hope you do.
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Alethia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Writer,
The following review is based on my experience, knowledge and opinion.
It is written with respect for you as the author, and meant to provide you with positive feedback and encouragment.
Strengths:
I found this story humorous. I think anyone who works in an office has a Go-Getter, Never Do Wrong and can easily identify with this piece.
Folgers Falls-Haha, perfect. I always think of those witty things AFTER teh fact. Good for you.
Suggestions: I stared down at one cuff of my white dress shirt, dusted with a dark film of the mountain-grown stuff.
I think you should replace "stuff" with a different word(ie. beans, grinds).
Final Thoughts:
I haver my own office story in one of my blog entry's.I wish it had an ending like yours!Check it out:"Invalid Entry"
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Alethia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Writer,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion.
Please take what is useful and ignore the rest. First Impression:
I thought this was very funny. Strengths:
My favorite line: " As far as the sex being unspeakable, it really wasn’t. I just don’t like to brag." Suggestions:
I noticed a technical error:
"So thank you ., and sorry about that." I believe either a period OR a comma should be here, but not both.
I would also suggest when writing for a contest, you indicate the prompt itself at the beginning or end of the story. This allows readers outside the contest to see how you worked with the prompt itself. Final Thoughts:
Just for fun I will guess the prompt was about getting fired. Am I close?
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Alethia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Writer,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest First Impression:
Funny and real.
Strengths:
The dialogue was so realistic ( I think - I'm not a man)
But it's exactly the kind of conversation I imagine eavesdropping on in a bar.
Suggestions:
I have no suggestions to improve this - I think it's great.
I do have a request though.
I have never heard the term "yuppie food stamps". Can you please tell me what this means?
Final Thoughts:
Hello Kitty is wierd. I saw a girl once with a Hello Kitty tattoo on her chest-WTF?!
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ♫ Alethia ♫
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Lauren Nichole Jordan,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest
Do people really love their phones this much? I'm not ashamed to say, I don't even own one.
Suggestions:
As usual the only suggestions I have are mostly grammatical. Also, remembering to count your syllables within the stanza's.
"Oh phone I love you, you are so cool," (9 syllables)
"there is no way in the world I would drop you in a pool." (11 syllables)
I would change the last line to:
"there is no way in I would drop you in the pool." - (just to even it out)
"I have you, and I use you every day(PERIOD)"
"(CAPITAL S)sadly, you run up my bills, in which I must pay." (I would change "in which" to "and now")
With you, I can just text all the time(PERIOD)
All of your other features are just simply sublime. (I would take out JUST)
"I guess what I have to say is, you’re my best friend"(PERIOD)(12 syllables)
"I have a two year contract with you, so you better not break until the year ends!"(19 syllables)
I would change this line to:
"We have a two year contract; don't break till it ends!"(12 syllables)
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: ♫ Alethia ♫
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Writer,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest First Impression:
Strengths:
"Besides, that arrogance of yours, kind of makes you an eyesore,
and without the hottness, well, you're kind of a bore." YES LAUREN! These are words to live by!
Suggestions:
HERE I GO AGAIN WITH MY CRITICS:
"you'd say it was too small, the lamest of the lame!" (I'd take out THE)
"It's not like it'd fit that big head of yours anyways,"(ANYWAY not ANYWAYS)
"with your egomaniac head in the cloud haze." (I'd change THE to THAT and CLOUD to CLOUDY)
"with the way you stare in the mirror at you gorgeous biology." (the 2nd YOU should be YOUR)
"That's fine, whatever, hold your head high.
I'm going to laugh, though, when you jump off of a cliff because you insist you can fly."
(Watch your syllables - the last line has 19 whereas the first line has only 8)
Humility is awesome, scream it loud! ( I would say: "scream it OUT loud")
Final Thoughts:
I love your ideas! Your whole portfolio so far has this underlying theme of independance and strength!
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: ♫ Alethia ♫
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Lauren Nichole Jordan ,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest.
This is awesome Lauren! I have no critic! I don't know if it was something for school or if it just came to you but I think it's so smart!
I wish I knew as much about TESTOSTERONE when I was your age as you seem to!
Naughty Ego's! Hahahaha!
Do you have one for ESTROGEN?
I did try to make one up but I didn't get past the E.
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: ♫ Alethia ♫
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Lauren Nichole Jordan,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest.
Strengths:
I felt raw emotion in this poem. Some of the phrases just dug at my soul. Like:
Knock it down and slap it's face,
and
Tear it to shreds, kick it around!
Suggestions:
It's hard to critique a poem that comes from a place of pain. My only suggestion might be to make it a free verse poem without the constraints of having to rhyme. Just letting it all out.
Final Thoughts:
Lauren, you just broke my heart.
"but hey, that's what you do to my heart, when you cheat."
(stab in the chest)OUCH! If this is real, he's a jerk!
Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: ♫ Alethia ♫
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Lauren Nichole Jordan,
The following is based only on my experience and opinion. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest. My intent is sincere. Strengths:
I like the ryming scheme here AB,AB. It's nice and simple and flows easily.
It doesn't seem like a forced rhyme. Suggestions:
I am definitely not a pro when it comes to poetry so I apologize if my terminology is a little elementary.
The last line in the last stanza seems to have to many beats. I'm like a monster high and above,(9 beats)
Sorry guys, I guess I'm just a little too greedy for love.(15)
I suggest leaving out the words guess and littleleaving you with: I'm like a monster high and above,(9 beats)
Sorry guys, I'm just to greedy for love.(9 beats)
It would've liked to see a reference made of the green eyed monster in the poem as that is a common term used to describe when one is feeling envious. Final Thoughts:
I like your topic. I've felt like a greedy monster myself sometimes. But like you said in your entry Discovering Love, "love is a need". We do what we have to to aquire it right? Thank you for sharing your talents on WDC!: ♫ Alethia ♫
Great Ending (the phone conversation regarding the ambulance driver) Solidifies the miracle within this whole story-Your Story. I think it's great to hear this kind of story from a father's perspective. I could feel the love and respect you have for your wife Tracy. I enjoyed the humorous bits too (brilliant ideas & kodak moments) It's interesting the little things you remember so specifically about that fateful day.
I was captured by the lyrical style. "an anemic forty eight dollars and change" made me laugh in a 'don't I know it' kind of way. You could feel Jude' s desperation in the words. You could see her shoulder's slumping and desperation taking over completely when she realized her 'home' was in flames and her backpack slipped to the crook of her elbow numbing her hand. She was definitely today's damsel in distress and he was her, and our, hero. Th eonly thing I didn't find believable was that they had had no roamntic involvement and he is calling her "baby" when he sees her sitting on the curb.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/qualitybeing
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 1:21pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
