Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
This template is based on ten devices that can turn off experienced editors, judges & haikuists. I will hold my impressions and suggestions with your poem until "Overall Impression" at the end.
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Instead of using a title, try revision.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. A haiku is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words (weak ones like has, have, will).
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
Overuse of 1st person pronouns It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Kigo is a word or phrase associated with a particular season. It is nature unbridled. One season word is enough, let strong words do their job: pavement wet with rain is redundant.
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.
Haiku are not titled, and caps should not be used. Having said that, I love the content - it's well written.
Thank you for allowing me to review your poem.