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Review of Danse Macabre  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Elena

This item caught my eye, so I figured while I was reading it - might as review it! Take from it what you wish.

What I liked: The story had great pacing and flowed easily from one sentence into another. It has an interesting main character and a lot of wonderful description. You did a great job weaving a unique tale featuring an original type of Reaper.

What I felt could use improvement: There was a sentence that seems like you might have changed what you were going to write and just forgot to completely clear it. Excerpt: She saw a two older boys drinking beer from paper bags. I recommend going back and fixing that.

There is also a bit of preemptively informing the reader information about the boys. Perhaps doing a bit more showing, such as how they might be dangerous or how she knew it was beer in the paper bags they drank out of.
Fleshing out the description more, and giving it a bit more observation over foreknowledge from Theresa, would help the reveal at the end be more of a surprise.

Favorite Line: Excerpt: She watched the little goblins and ghosts run by, thrilled with their haul, and smiled at them.
The line has wonderful characterization and scene setting for the story.

Thank you for sharing this piece with the community.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Bard
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a very nice piece with lots of wonderful rhyme.

Written the way it is, in this format, makes it kind of hard to figure out a pacing/rhythm. I recommend reshaping the song to put line breaks in to help with this.

Also, you do have one spelling error in the first line of the chorus - "And now i just want to tell you that you are my lover and god new what he was doing" - The word I have set apart in this should actually be knew.

Aside from those two things (no line breaks and that misspelling) this is a very beautiful song. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Bard
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece. I like the pacing, helping the interesting line separation to flow all the better. As far as the poem form goes, it is wonderful.

The subject matter is a little confusing for me, though that may be because I have not read the other pieces in your portfolio. It's unclear why the subject of the piece doesn't belong despite the tolerances of the city they're near, and why paparazzi might be waiting for them. Aside from that leaving me a bit taken aback, it is a very descriptive and wonderful poem with lots of lovely imagery.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Bard
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was an excellent, terrifying piece that started off strong and continued all the way through. It had a strong sense of character voice in the narration, which helped emphasize the emotional content between the pain and the confusion after being knocked out. You deliver an amazing tale that ends with a very powerful line.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Woman Bites Dog  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, PandaPaws Licensed VetTech

This item caught my eye, so I figured while I was reading it - might as review it!

What I liked: The blurb was what caught my interest in the first place. It immediately made me wonder what this woman's darkest secret could be. The way you set it up and let it build with her worrying the fact there only thing we know about the TV show is that they expose things from people's pasts they don't want shown. For all of that to accumulate to what her secret was is very amusing and definitely not what I expected until I look back at the title and go "Oh!"

You didn't waste words while using the pacing and flow quite appropriate for a building suspense.

What I felt could use improvement: Honestly - nothing!

Favorite Line: However, she did snicker to herself though, thinking of how calm she had remained, even while feeding them her famous Franks'n Beans. - Honestly, that's an amazing ending line considering all the build up of suspense and the twist secret, it's just a great place to leave off.


Thank you for sharing this piece with the community.

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Review by Bard
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Mage .

I figured, as I read it in order to decide who I would vote for, I should drop you a review with some thoughts I had about it.

I'm just going to start off with a quite statement that I couldn't find anything mechanically/grammatically wrong with this piece.

Being that it is flash fiction, I do understand that there is not much allowance for character development, but putting it as a first person story made it a lot easier to get some understanding of the character, later identified as Merlin. I felt you were able to do this through sentence structure and word use, which showed the focal character to be a well-learned person.

The story did feel rushed, but - again - given the restrictions of flash fiction, the pace really couldn't be improved without making the story feel lacking. Even with the heavy pace of flash fiction, the story had a nice, easy to follow flow to it.

I guess my one complaint, or perhaps my own lack of knowledge, would be concerning the dragon. I admit I am not as knowledgeable about the lore revolving around Camelot, so that may cause it, but I was left wondering why this dragon cared about Camelot being in ruins.
I did like the establishment of this being prior to King Arthur - at least, I believe it is as I have never heard of a black castle being involved with Arthur.


Over all, I still believe this is an excellent example of flash fiction. You have all the basic elements of a story and tell the tale without making it sound like a record of events.

Well done, and good luck.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item.

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Review of Twin poem  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Friendly Thinker ,

Sorry I wasn't able to get to this poem right away, but better late than never, eh?

As far as the poem form itself goes, it is a good poem with no misspellings as far as I can tell.

The only thing that threw me off with this poem is not knowing who Kagome and Chiharu are. I have heard those names as part of many different shows, both anime and regular foreign movies/shows, and am not sure if it is in reference to anime characters or people know you or what. Perhaps, a minor rewrite to clarify who these two women are might help it out a lot. It definitely has potential as a poem if the characters you offer up in the poem are defined a bit more.

Overall, this was a good poem and I hope this review helps it become clearer.

I am a *Star*Rising Star!*Star*
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Review of School Paper  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,

In your response mail, I saw this linked and stopped by to help you out, if possible.

The conversation flows very well. Everyone has their own voice defined very well - it seems completely natural, in fact.

The only thing I do have to critique this about is the last two statements. They are all by the same person, no? I would simply recommend combining the last two lines into the same set of quotations to help clarify that the spotlight is on the same person. I've found with dialogue only stories, it is easier to determine when the speech shifts from one person to the next simply by starting a new set of quotation marks.

I hope that was helpful, if not - well - it's your story.

Good luck with this round of the competition! And thanks once again for sponsoring me. *Heart*
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Review of Minotaur  
Review by Bard
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, I'm going to keep this short as this is my revised review and I am sorry that it took so long to get back to it. Busy weekend.

Anyways, the story's flow is much better now and the reworded sentences/additions really help. Great revise!
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Review of The Smoke Ballet  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, a.e.r

I stumbled across your port while looking for new to WdC members to review.

You did a great job with this poem. It describes the effects of a smoke bomb quite well. The ending ties in very well, also, with the desire to do the traditional move of the ninja and vanish - although it is unclear (and perfectly fine with this lack of clarity) if it is physical or mental with the wish.

Great job and welcome to writing.com!

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Review of Waiting  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Andy Macneil

I came across your port while searching for members new to writing.com, and even though you note on this piece that it was written in 2010, I'm going to review it anyways. *Smile*

I liked the dramatic tension built up in this story. The paragraphs before the break make it seem like it's going to involve murder, but the twist is wonderful! I didn't see it coming at all. Great job with that.

The only reason I did not give this a full five stars is because of the confusion of tension with the sentence: She blushed. - The rest of the story is told in present tense with that being the only sentence that changes to past tense.
Other than that minor hiccup, I didn't see anything else wrong with it.

You did a wonderful job with this story and I'm glad you shared it with the rest of the community.

Write on!

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Review of The hallway  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Ace

I stumbled across your port while searching for new members of writing.com and figured I'd stop in to read this story.

I liked this story. It had a great pace to it. You had a great use of dramatic tension through slowly explaining the first sentence. Although I can honestly say I cannot find fault with this story, the only thing keeping me from giving you a perfect rating would have to be the fact that it ends too soon.
I do acknowledge that they key of short stories is knowing when to end it before you kill the story, but it just feels like this story ends before its time. You build dramatic tension with the fact that he will not live through walking into the office he just opened, but (and I have no clue if I'm not alone in this or not) the reader is left wondering what is going to kill him - what force will prevent him from leaving? Continuing far enough to describe the room he is walking into - even if it is just himself and a piece of furniture - would leave a little more information with the reader without having to give away the answer.

If you want, after a re-write, I can come back and read through it again and possibly revise my rating.

Great job so far. Write on!

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Review of Happy Place  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, The Writing Hunter

I found this story while looking for a new to writing.com author to review.

Although short, this story has a lot of gripping elements. You build the mental state of your character very well, the style of your writing helps establish the confused state they find this girl. The decrepit building which serves as a church run "mental institution" is a nice touch.

I did find it hard to place how old this character is, and I do find that makes a difference with her being placed in a room with a fifteen year old. It gives a bit more context to the story when a reader knows the general age grouping a character is in - how the thought process would work for that age group as well as some insight as to a general physic even if it is not described (which, not describing what she looks like works for this story.) You have a few grammatical and spelling corrections you could make with this story as well; things you should be able to pick up with a quick re-read of this piece yourself.

I enjoyed reading it and hope these comments help you make this story even better.

Thanks for sharing it.

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Review of My Dragon Heart  
Review by Bard
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very excellent poem for a first attempt at poetry. With the addition of a few punctuation marks, this poem could be even better. As far as the contest goes, it kept to the prompt and contest confines. Your rhyme scheme and pacing is rather wonderful as well. Thanks for entering!
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Review of Dreams of Flying  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, WizardofOwls

I saw your request on the forum and stopped right in.

I liked the rhyme scheme you used and the pacing to the poem was great. Even though it does start off with a somber feeling, it does end on a hopeful note - at least it does to me.

The only thing that I think could help this poem at all would be to put in a few more punctuation marks to help the reader see the pacing more clearly.

I hope this is close to what you were looking for from a review. It was a great poem and even if you don't insert punctuation, it's a very comprehensive read and well composed.

Thanks for sharing this with the community!

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Review of Honor Guard  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very nicely worded poem. It has a great pacing to it and the concise stanzas help keep the poem as clear as the imagery is wonderful. The odd rhyme scheme helps tie the stanzas together and keep the poem flowing in a very fluid way.

Very well done.

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


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Review of Last Night  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You had a very nice rhyme to this poem, though the pacing was odd. You did a great job creating a very misleading poem, mistakenly a love poem at first until the final stanza.

Well done and congratulations on your Quill Awards nomination.

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Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is quite an entertaining poem with a great rhythm to your rhyme. You do a wonderful job telling a funny little story after giving a bit of well composed background fitting very well with the overall levity of the poem.

You did a great job. Congratulations on your Quill Awards Nomination.

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Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
You did a great job making this fairy tale your own. I like that you named Riley's brother Hunter and that her customary jacket caused her to be nicknamed Red. There were some elements that didn't make much sense to have in there (Riley's want to pick herbs) as it doesn't add to the story, but it doesn't detract from it either - it's up to you if you would like to leave it in or not, I merely wanted to bring that fact to your attention.

Good luck with the contest, you did a great job with this story.

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Review of Clouds  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very lovely poem. You did an excellent job of trying to include a lot of imagery and different views on clouds. I do have a few suggestions and you can use them if you so choose or just simply ignore them - after all, you are the author and these are just my own opinion of your creation.

I would recommend removing "are they" from the first line. It doesn't sound right to me and since this is a poem, you don't have to clarify with a verb and pronoun - the removal of those two words draws it to be a more complete mental image when combine with the second line.

For this line: They are the dust of God’s feet above Earth his footstool, I would recommend putting a dash before and after "his footstool" since it is a secondary descriptive for Earth, not the main topic of the poem. If you do choose to follow this suggestion, leave out the comma. (Moving it to after 'passing' in the line that follows.)

You did a great job composing this piece.

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Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very beautiful poem with lots of wonderful imagery. The flow of the text adds to the excellent way you composed this piece. You did a great job telling all the fairy-tale ways your father helped you without making it outright obvious through the poem. The ending stanza is sad, but still beautifully written. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you shared this with us.

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Review of Ending  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting take on the poem Fire and Ice. You did a very good job of making the concept your own and creating compelling description and emotional basis to it. I enjoyed this poem very much.

Nicely done.

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Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very beautifully imaged poem which does an excellent job describing the woman from the picture prompt to the contest. The couplings for this poem are very well designed. You do seem to have a lot of unnecessary punctuation and one or two mixing ; I can send you a separate mail regarding this, if you would like to alter the punctuation of your poem, but it is up to you.
I did come across two lines that I would like to make suggestions for. As they are suggestions, definitely feel free to ignore them if you do not like them.
~Excerpt~that would blind those who look upon. - In my opinion, the line might sound better as paired to its other rhyme if written as a form of "Which blinds those who dare look upon."

~Excerpt~The night is an onyx decked in the sky, - I would recommend removing the word 'an' in this section. For some reason, no matter how many times I read this, the 'an' simply doesn't sound right. Perhaps it is the use of onyx seems as if you are using it as a synonym for the color black. If you intend it to be the mineral/precious stone, I would recommend you change the term 'decked in' to something more like "stretched across".

Aside from those two suggestions (which you are fully free to use or disregard as I have said before,) this is a very nice poem. Good luck for the contest!

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Review of The Hunt  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was a very well written story and, knowing the prompts having written a story for the same round you entered this, you did an excellent job with staying within the contest criteria in my opinion. You did a wonderful job introducing the characters and the plot slowly introduced itself, but in a very believable manner. The only critique I have for this story is the final line Upstairs, Emelina began to paint one of her masterpieces. This one would sell for millions. This end tag just doesn't seem to fit the story; it seems to only bring back up the fact that she is an artist after a very minor mention a third of the way into the story. In my opinion, this story could do without the excerpted line.

Other than that, you did a great job with this story. It's too bad you didn't win the round.

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Review of If one day...  
Review by Bard
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very simple instructions to follow, but I'm sure whomever you wrote this for doesn't. *Wink* The first and last stanzas seem to be different shades of the same thing and I like (since they are, indeed different emotions.) Having the last line trail off like that made it seem like these words were spoke to whomever you had on your mind while writing this.

Well written. *Bigsmile*

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