I like it. I didn't find any thing wrong with your grammar. You had me wondering about fizz, but you described it in the second paragraph. You elevated fizz above relationship. -Interesting.
The story drove me crazy - probably your goal -lol I kept reading because I was so compelled to find out the source of the sound. Maybe I'm crazy like Fred. I jotted down some specific items - praises and suggestions.
"That's great ... Mr. Ryan - That statement showed me right away her personality - great.
Am I in the dean's office? - Showed me where his thought were. - great
The apartment was even more spacious than I remembered. He was in this room before? It was confusing
It went away while I was trying to determine its source Just write: It went away (the other is implied)
only five minutes of my half hour left – take off “of my half hour”
I looked around for a hidden camera. I love that!
gremlins hiding in the boxes – It shows more of his personality – I like it.
I didn't remember hearing it after the accident. –confusing
The sound attacked me – The tension rises - I like it!
"Sorry for ... whatever happened here," –Doesn’t seem like someone would say this.
Do you stay up nights trying to come up with new ways to embarrass us? I love it!
un: 
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
View Community
Send Gift Points
Send Awardicon
Community Feed
Puzzle Hub
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Writings
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Sheets
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Workspaces
My review has been submitted for consideration in "