The imagery was the best thing about this piece. I could indeed visualize this.
I enjoyed the pace. It was so fitting for the genre. I'm guessing we will be hearing more of this girl. This is interesting and I would love to get some background, and see where it goes.
This was beautiful, maybe because the prose is true. I enjoyed how simple you made it, yet you were able to evoke such strong emotions. I felt your pain while reading, because I am sure you were feeling it too, which are the best pieces.
Your use of vocabulary was well presented.
The structure was fairly done, but why do you have so many sections? Not a major problem though, probably just me.
I'm a big fan of first person writing style. I believe that you have a better connection with the character or narrator, and you utilized this quite well.
I found only a few punctuation errors. Some of the sentences were too short, while others went on too much.
You used "perhaps" frequently in one section, maybe try finding another word to use there?
Overall, well written. This was sad though. Keep writing!
Really good write! I loved how you developed the protagonist and how the story flowed! You got so much in, there was enough details and you truly captured me, not usually my genre, but I kept reading, which simply means you did very well with it. Keep writing
I heard the voice, which is always so important to me! I could feel the brokenness in this poem and the sadness just seeped through. It was filled with passion and emotion. I liked the metaphor you used too! Keep writing
I got chills from reading this. I am so happy that you and your family are OK. You wrote this in such a sincere way and although there was much chaos in your story, I could help to get a feeling of calmness from you. As Earnest Hemingway says "no subject is terrible if the story is true, and is the prose is clean and honest, and if it affirms courage and grace under pressure" Keep writing!
Wow this was really good. I cant help but believe that this haunting man is a bit fascinating. I like the imagery and the structure, it makes it easier to read, and gives it a pace that suits the mood. keep writing!
I usually choose not to read vampire stories, because the hype has become overwhelming. However, you write so well, i just had to continue. This flowed and I am in love with your character. she engages the readers and her attitude is just so calm and inviting, even though she is a vampire. I like how it starts as a normal story, and you did not give anything away. This was really good. Keep writing :)
Let me begin to say that I am not a professional writer. I chose to read this because I saw that it is a satirical piece... I felt that you were telling more than anything. You write really well and your word choices are good too, but I wasn't captivated. Keep writing :)
Wow this was really good. You did a good job of painting a picture of the confusion and darkness. I felt the urgency in the characters; voice and indeed felt the desperation to leave. I read this at a rapid pace, which, to me was quite appropriate because of what was taking place. Well written :)
When I saw horrorfan87 I expected a really scary poem, but it was actually funny, hopefully that was your intention. I enjoyed it, almost like a nursery rhyme
First of all I am NOT a professional writer. I'm new to all this. I liked your story, I understood where it was going. I really liked your descriptions in the beginning, then it got a bit slow. However, it picked up and I found some really good parts. I would recommend that you put some spacing, as it can be rather difficult to read when so jumbled.
I would also advise that you re-word this sentence "is worst if you are used to the warm Californian weather". (probably take out is?)
Overall a good story with potential, continue writing :)
I thought your story was good. I enjoyed reading it and I simply loved how it flowed. I truly got to see how the character felt, which I think is so important :)
p.s In chapter one you have "lesser". I think it should just be less
Wow I really would love to see you develop this. Well written and easy to read. This has a pace that isn't exactly frightening, but it made me anxious to see what would happen. I love it!!!
I found the description of the dog a bit funny, even though the character was sad. I dont know if it was intentionally done, as it wasnt expressed in a way that made me sad. I liked it though, really easy to read
I really enjoyed this. I don't know if this was intentional, but I felt my voice speed up or slow down based on the pace of the stanza. This really flowed, it was easy to read and i liked the structure.
Should be there be two "running" in the third line?
This is such a refreshing read. I love how I was able to see and feel how the persona felt. I really felt the heart and passion in this piece. A lot of people I know don't write about religion and so it felt so good to read something different and be able to enjoy it as well. Great Job!
such a cute story. Im a newbie so Im not the greatest reviewer. However, I loved it. This would make a really good children's story.
The only thing I would change is the structure, especially the dialogue, they seemed a bit too jumbled. Overall a good story!
simple, yet beautiful poem (sounds familiar sorry if I reviewed and didn't know) Its really easy to read and I really liked the Imagery you created, it was easy to see this beautiful Rosa
Simple, but holds so many truths. This was a beautiful piece. I know I love the beach, but have never really given it much thought, now I will!
Only one error though: Pass you bye : by
sooo good. this gave me the chills. I enjoyed your imagery, as I think it is very important for these type of stories. You did a really good job :). I would love to know what the priest did though
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