A well written story that carries me along well. My main trouble is that I'm still not quite sure what happened. Sarah's living daylights became corporeal and took her place? Then did she become the "living daylights" herself? Were they reunited, as the blood-sharing suggests, or forever split as the ending suggests? Was the doppelganger either a good or evil spirit that took her place, or was she the real "her" who returned when her mother asked forgiveness? I wish it would be clearer, because it is otherwise an unusual and fresh notion.
"Farted homily" means what? - sermonic flatulence?
I think there is a story in here, but I don't buy it that someone would be willing to kill a man just because he was loud, smelly, and a pathetic phony braggart. You have to make me believe that anyone would be willing to kill for such reasons.
Now I know that there are people who would kill for a lot less than that; but they are themselves sick or evil. The evil wouldn't do it, because it wouldn't be worth the risk. The sik might, but you haven't shown me the protagonist was even a little looney, or particularlyt evil beyond this one wish to knock off someone obnoxious. The story cries out for more development. At which point, the ending jight be very appropriate and believable. Give it a shot.
It isn't very often that I give a full 5.0 to a spiritually-oriented piece. Sometimes I don't because the writing is weak, often because the theology or the logic is weak. Sometimes it is even abysmal! And all too frrequently, all that is there is in a Christian inspirational artiucle is emotional fluff.
Yours is none of that. It could (yet) be more, but I'm feeling generous today, and you are definitely on the right track. You could, for example, give some hints for HOW to hear God, rather than just tell us to do it. You might have asked if there is anywhere we KNOW He is speaking. The Scripture is an obvious answer. Other believers is another, for God can often speak through them. Devotional literature, especially that of the greats, like Thomas a Kempis, Martin Luther, and St. Theresa are possibilities. How much time is spent in Christian fellowship that has little of the Christian and mostly the food as its point and emphasis -- even churches could be doing more to turn up the loudspeakers on God's broadcasts, no?
But this is very good. Very definitely, keep writing!
At first, I thought this a kind of metapohor for the one who spends her life debunking religion, and then finds Christ. The last line suggests something entirely different, that the preceding was all a children's pretend game.
Other than that confusion, I like your poem which holds interest and in which you handle the basic mechanics well. Good work
Bob
I like this poem, and obviously others did, too. (But how does it get an award and no reviews?)
At the saem time, I can't say I'm sure I GET it. At some points it seems to be something literal going on, in others something figurative. Sometimes it seems to be a dreamscape, other times the midst of some other more concrete trauma - sex? Wanted or unwanted - it could be either!
It is hard sometimes to know if there were any special limits placed on a work when you come upon it "cold." Was this just a (relatively) quick note to yourself for further development? Was it a contest entry? Was it designed as a short short?
I think my reservations about this, which is very nie as it is, is simply that I feel it might have been more. It is a kind of memoir in that it describes a memory, but it seems to me a memoir should also say something about oneself, somehow. Therefore I was looking for more of a lesson than "the moral of this story is always let people know where you are going," perhaps some reflection upon your own life, upon the meaning of life and death, upon living what one has to the utmost, and how that has been part of your life, or....
Because your story is missing that level of depth, It rated it lower than might be fair -- because I had more expectations.
Technically, I'm not sure your beginning is very effective: "This is a story about..." How about something like "In May of 2006, a young man named Jason had a powerful impact upon my/our life/lives. I was never really introduced to Jason..."? Tell me this is gripping somehow, because it gripped you. Indeed, that is part of my unease with a piece that otherwise really has potential. The events clearly gripped you emotionally, but that emotion does not come through. "Don't go places without telling someone" is too impersonal, and while a good moral, is not going to grip anyone very hard....
Do fiddle with this. Expand it and include those missing parts -- personal reflection and emotion, and it will be powerful!
Please take into account that I may be being harder on you than usual or fair due to exaggerated expectations of you. I chose to review this because it had no reviews.
My primary criticism of your poem is not that there is anything really wrong with it per se, but that is seems to read just as well as prose! Other than the parallel in the last lines of each stanza, there is little to suggest that this is ppoetry - no symbol, no real meter, no rhyme, no alliteration, no metaphor, nothing that a preacher might not say in a sermon. Except that whether the angels love one or not is not usually thought of as a theologically important issue needing commemoration or note.
I am grateful for the theological sentiments, which otherwise are great. God's love and grace is, indeed, the most amazing and needful thing for us to have. God bless you.
You did very well indeed with this prompt. Your article is very well written, rings lots of bells, and adds up to a nice memoir.
I do have one quibble: in the second last paragraph. "Impact" is a noun, and its use as a verb, while becoming more common, is not really proper. Life could have an impact on it, or else life affected it (or use your thesaurus)...
I chose this piece mostly because it had few reviews.
I laughed at your ending! I think every man metaphorically crosses his legs at such thoughts!
Just a few comments. One, is that the story feels like it should be one of a series of connected anecdotes, but of course you have to start somewhere!
Three writing/grammar comments:
"This is a brief story about a neighbor thatwho lived in the area a few years ago."
Likewise: "another rancher thatwho needed"
"Keith was an old time rancher with a good sense of humor but at the same time hadand a no nonsense approach to solving problems."
I don't think you really need the extra words. Non-nonsense approachs are not incompatible with good senses of humor, so you don't really need the "but," either.
This is well done and has an amusing ending. A collection of such anecdotes with connections might make an interesting novel/memoir. Thought of it?
This is a MOD REVIEW BLITZ review!
(although I don't know if I'll have time to do many of them!)
I picked this poem because it hadn't been reviewed yet, but I'm sorry to say, I don't think it is your best work. Ratings are subjective in part, and I may be being harder on you than I should just because I expected a little more from you, so please take that into account.
My principle problem is that although the experience is real, and for most young people sadly not that uncommon, it is also just a tad trite. How many thousands of romantic stories have similar scenes? A lot of the words and phrases seemed also to fit into the category of trite or over-used: "Mr. Right" for example.
A few other little things: bodies are usually locked in sweet embrace (itself a bit of a trite phrase, but it IS hard to find really fresh expressions, isn't it?), rather than hands. Did you mean to say "desirous" lips, meaning they wanted you? Or "desirable" lips, meaning you wanted them?
It's not that I think this is hopeless, or that the idea is not still a good one for a poem. See if you can come up with some fresh expressions and vocabulary. Experiment with using some romantic sounds to your words -- it always seems to me that "r's" and "l's" have a liquid sound that tends more to the romance, and then in the last stanza, try using more hard sounds, with "k's" and "b's" to suggest the harsh change in mood, or even "m's" and "n's" that seem to me to suggest mournfulness.
This is extraordinary. And to think you knocked it off for a contest with so many words predetermined by the prompts.... I am truly impressed and genuinely moved. Even on second and third readings, there are more layers to explore. This is one that deserves a try at publishing.
I feel a little guilty reviewing this piece since I'm competing in the same contest! Also, If you take my advice, I'm working against myself, I guess! Oy, such a conundrum! Anyway, I felt the last line was overkill. The whole poem is designed to say that in the last line, and to put it baldly I feel undermines the rest. Let the poetry tell it.
I also think there is some choppiness that could be taken out. My own mind ran to:
Imagine love's look
As childhood runs to explore,
Watches a cloud passing the sun,
Snatches light again in dandelion....
Which also seems to me to bring out a more universal message somehow.
I feel like the grinch only to rate this a 4, because it's really clever, appropraite and nicely done. So why? As poetry per se I think it falls just a tad short. The only words "connected" to each other (they are all connected to the title) and to my eye specifically located with purpose and meaning are "Reading" and "Writing" at the top and "Home" at the bottom. These are perfect placements. The rest seem random. Could they have been anything else? Perhaps. It would have improved the whole to have some kind of linkage chain or locative meaning. Secondly, nouns and adjectives appear randomly mixed. Likewise, here is a plural, there a singular. IS Writing.com merely random? I don't think so. It seems to me rather well and carefully planned and maintained.
Some juxtapositions seem especially misplaced to my eye: is it the "portfolios" that are "addicting?" And "items" seems a particularly uninspiring choiuce to be anywhere in the "heart": while we use the word, it is hardly close to the spirit of your creation.
Parallelism seems ignored why "poetry" to go with "novels" rather than "poems," for example?
Likewise for typefaces which are an integral part of the visual poem. IS that the most creative typeface you could find for "creative?" Does all CAPS suggest "Variety?"
Okay, picky, picky, and this is still nice and does the job as it is. Is any of this a new thought?
I like your little homily, and it would be a good one. I found you had rather made your point without the last two paragraphs, and would probably try to tighten up the ending, but this would rate rather well compared with many sermons I have heard, and rather wish I hadn't!
One typo:
More furious thenthan I had ever seen him.
This time you tell a straight story, not much lesson there. But there IS a great lesson. The 3 surely did not KNOW the Lord would save them ahead of time; still they stuck to their faith. "Not My will, but Thine" Jesus said int he Garden. He was not eager - and I doubnt the 3 were either - to suffer and die. But they were ready and willing if that was called for. How much commitment to our faith do we have? And if not, why should we wonder that we often fail toe xperience the gifts God gives us. The 3 would never haveknown the depth of God's love and power directly had they not risked incineration.
Here, too, you have a misplaced understanding of Pharisees. They were not really religious leaders, more like the lay leaders. The priests and scribes were mostly Saducees, in fact. It would be better to think of Pharisees and Saducees as, oh, say Catholics and Protestants, or as the lay leaders, the priests, and the common people being the am ha-aretz.
Youa re also speculating somewhat over what was happening, as the text does not actually tell us, except that the priests were astonished at the quality of his questions and depth of his understanding. These were not students, but full-fleged leaders. Jesus knew His Torah!
Another kind of quibble: I don't think a 12 year old qualifies anymore as "wee," unless he was very very short!
I didn't see what your other reviewer wrote, but I think this is better than just average, not as strong as the adulter tale, though.
I found this paragraph particularly weak:
I won’t describe what the people standing next to him did, except to say the mob silenced the poor boy quickly and permanently.
One problem is that you are no longer describing a noisy crowd, if this were to happen, but a riot. The Romans were absolute DEATH on riots. In fact, one of Pilate's problems was that he had already HAD two riots in Jerusalem, and a third might well have cost him his job, if not his own life. Pilate was actually whipsawed between his desire to do justice and his fear that a third riot MIGHT break out!
It is not that you have not done well with you poem, because you have. I have little technical objection. Much of your poem's message has been spoken by many others, some perhaps better, most no doubt worse; but enough to make it see like yet another in a long string of poems on the internet, usually accompanied by cute pictures and music supposed to be spiritual. Mind you this is not bad, it is just not terribly moving anymore.
Perhaps my most substantive reservations about the piece are these:
1) the threads of gold appear to be, especially in the first two stanzas, brought about by friends rather than by the Lord, instead of brought about by the Lord through the friends. In the rest of the poem, God's place is more clear.
2) More serious, again especially in the first stanzas, the gold threads appear to be only the GOOD experiences. Redemption goes beyond giving good experiences that sort of mitigate the sorrow. It transforms the pains and sorrows, which become gold at His touch (to call it Midas-like would seem an inversion of priority and importance, but it was the image that leapt to mind). Christ turns Satan's greatest weapon - death - and the most horrendous murder - Jesus on the Cross - into the Gateway of Life for all. So the symbol of shame and suffering becomes the symbol of life everlasting - gold indeed!
Emotion is important; but it is critical not to allow the emotion to become overwhelmingly sweet. You have something here that could be developed further, I think, from decent - even publishable in some places - to rather good! Keep writing.
Bob
This is a good basic summary of what most would agree contitutes short fuction. There has been a trend since the 70s of calling what are to me basically character sketcges also "short stories," perhaps because there is not much else to call them that sounds publishable.
I have to note though, that one does not "exercise" demons - they are sufficiently fit already! One "exorcises" or casts them out!
You always do decent work, as witness your enormous collection of merit badges. 75 in just three years? A very steady two per month! It is hard work (as I've found) to maintain a pace like that! I admire your dedication, too,
What a powerful experience to find your birth father!
As for the poem, I believe the word is "irrefutable," though I rather like the sound of "unrefutable" even if it isn't a word! It is not clear what "My father was bound" might mean, although in poetry perhaps reading stuff into it isn't so bad.
Since you are interested in memoirs, you might be interested in the two in my port:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1003838 by Not Available.
Do keep writing. Your progeny will be grateful one day.
Ironic, isn't it, that communities founded on charity (missions) should be the wealthy neighborhoods today?
This poem is fun.
You don't need the ? mark after "need my help" and I think you have an extra space before the apostrophe in "sister's". I thought about the line "To my sorority..." because of the weak three unstressed syllables beginning the line that it might flow better "My sorority gets my loyalty,/My almater, dough, leaving off the "to" on both lines; though that loses the parallelism with the next line. It is less important since it begins a new stanza, but you'll have to decide which is more important to you on that one.
Surprising how well this coes out with fresh associations. Surely this must break someone's writer's block and give a creative idea here and there! The perverse senses of humor of some of us show up well here also, though occasionally I wonder how much of the "dark sides" there must be too!
A great little story. While simple and tear-jerking, and just a tad predicatable at the end, I confess that I got a chill at the moment anyway. "Chill" is probably not the right word, but "thrill" has other connotations.
The main problem I see is the inconsistency of Jacob's saying in the beginning that he doesn't know where his parents are, when he does know where Pastor's wife is and where his true father is. Whether at the physical or spiritual level, he must know!
A very interesting concept, and well done. I didn't find the beginning quite believable, though. It felt too stilted, too quickly passed over and unnatural. Of course, language might be different, though he refers to a monotheistic God which suggests western culture. It doesn't have the flavor of Indian speech (which except for God the story most sounds like), either, and I'm afraid I don't know how to help you there. What ear I have seems to be instinctual rather than systematic. But the idea is good and after the beginning reads fairly well. No grammar/typos that I noticed, either - good job.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.51 seconds at 12:51am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
