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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/revjuan
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216 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of me and my demons  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi again,

Nice cadence and rhythm as with the other poem. And, as a pastor and theologian, I can say you captured the "demon's" behavior quite well.

I did find three questionable issues:

1. You're so naive, you've got no clue

2. We simply whispered in their ear's, that you should simply disappear [using "simply" twice in the same line does not work well.]

3. Your pain and misery will away if at our feet your soul you lay [Will what away?]

I like your style of writing. I recommend rereading your writings at least three times before posting. Take care and keep on writing.
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2
Review of A Clown's Funeral  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

Well, not having much experience with play scripts I won't offer much in that aspect. But there was one line that had a problem with it.

"The group head for a bed where the Dead Clown." Either you meant:

1. "The group headed for a bed where the Dead Clown lay."
2. "The group heads for a bed where the Dead Clown lies."
3. "The group head for the bed where the Dead Clown rested."
4. "The group heads for the bed where the Dead Clown's body rested."

As it is it does not make sense.

Hope this helps.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,
Nice poem but it needs some work. I have some suggestions here.

The little angel
Who used to play games
Who started dreaming
Who had her own world
who didn't know the world
The little angel
Cute, Energetic, happy
She likes her doll
She likes her Wonderland
she likes princess stories
One day, yes, one day
She lost
In this cruel world
in this horrible world
The little angel
who cried
Who asked for help
who shouted
BUT
no one is here
And
She lost, she lost
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Review of What Used To Be  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Nice poem. Great rythm and cadence. But, I found a couple of errors.

Deep beneath what used to be lies a place that once held you and me.
A place where shadows were not cast, a place where love was found at last.
A never-ending light did shine, for I had it all when you were mine.
I never felt the need to cry or from my mouth the need to lie.
I wish once more that light would shine, for I had it all when you were mine.

Keep writing.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
I truly enjoyed your story. The concept and premise are different from anything I have read before. Please consider a longer story (a book?) to write.

I found no obvious typos or errors, but that may be because I was laughing and enjoying myself.

Thank you for writing this piece and sharing it with us.
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Review of Hello Sweet Bird  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this poem pleasing. I enjoyed the rhythm and pattern, but I was thrown off by this line "Hello sweet bird, I promise to never look behind." It did not conform to the pattern of the others. Maybe it needs to be rewritten like this, "Hello sweet bird, I will not look behind." Or, something like that. It the "promise to" that seems not to fit.

Well, I hope that helps somehow.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (1.0)
Unaya ani aduguthadu thamudu money kavali ani aduguthadu frnds money pamputharu office.

1. Oddu money vesthadu bank.
2. Oodu money cut chesukuntadu andariki natho.
3. Money valla connect undi....antey.
4. Money undi kabati ninu unaana?

Okay?
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Review of Hurt  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
"better days will come" indeed. They are already here for you. Your writing has improved much and it is great you are still working to improve it even more.

How about some poems on love, joy, happiness, and so forth. I mean you own, not just as subjects?

Anyway, great job. thank you for sharing.
9
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Review of Fatherless  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is quite good. It is also a topic about which other people need to learn. You did a very good job of presenting the first part, but the second part, the healing, needs as much space as the first.

Also, please consider changing this sentence, "I am not an expert in the field, but other issues which could develop are:"

to, "Other issues which could develop are:"
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Review of Tiny Silver Blade  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! That was fantastic. Your ability to express emotion is exquisite. You obviously should be writing. You should consider writing a story on this subject.

If you do, I will volunteer to help you edit it and offer ideas.

Thank you for writing this poem. You have definitely made it to the "Leaderboard."
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Review of Ethan  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an intense piece. Your ability to "show" the reader what you are saying, instead of just "telling" is evident and clear. Keep up the good work.

One thing though, this sentence needs correcting. I recommend the following.

"My body is dead, and falling apart."

The reason is that you just mentioned the heart in the prior sentence and does not fit as well in this sentence. It feels forced into the thought.

Hope this helps.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.0)
I wasn't sure what your intent is with this piece. It felt as though you were testing the waters, as such. On the other hand, this is a subject you could have extended further. I found a few points which could use attention. I included them below. I hope this helps.

When people say, “I’m sick and tired of being second best,” it hurts because I never even make it onto the leaderboard. I give everything and I’m never even close to being what everyone wants of me. I try, and I try, and people just take. And when I am finally empty, everyone expects me to be able to fill my glass on my own, so that they can take yet another sip and drain me again. Repeatedly, people use me for what I have and I trust them, thinking that maybe this one is going to be different. But I accept that they’re not going to change. And then people begin to lose interest in me and leave, because what’s the point of having a glass, but nothing to drink? And I know that at some point I’ll be too tired to be able to fill my glass again.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great article. I personally consider it theft when tax money is used to "help" people who are scamming the system.

By the way, would you please consider writing an article on how you work with (teach) others, the steps, the processes, stuff like that? I believe that some people who would read something like that might be encouraged to begin doing the same. There are too many older folk out there who think they have no further use in this modern time. Your material and mine could encourage them to start doing something.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
The poem itself was beautiful. Your ability to phrase concepts of this kind is evident in your writing. Very well done.

But what are those parts?



My knowledge of you was faulty

Two more corrections I encourage.

What I needed to understand[,] your love[, that] you gave me
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Review of Future Promise  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.5)
This actually a quite good poem. I didn't know you had it in you. You continue to surprise me in a positive way. God has truly worked in your life to bring you to this point. He will continue the work He has begun.

I recommend these 2 corrections:

As you [led] me in the past[,] from my present to my future, you continue to lead me
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Not being a fan of Seto Kaiba, I may have missed some of the references and how that may play into the storyline. Overall, the story proceeds well, but not exactly exciting or particularly interesting. The use of omni-perspective in the storytelling did not work well for me. I would rather have the characters tell the story or, at least, have you "show" as much as possible.

I have included examples below of some issues I found.

He laughed, pushed her off him gently, and escorted her through the town as she worried about office etiquette. [no comma needed after "gently"]

“Those are the skins we haven’t released yet. The animators are still working on them.” [speaking and thinking lines should be separated from the narrations.

Think all you want. I’m not at liberty to disclose anything without Mr. Kaiba’s express permission, and one of those few things I’m allowed to say is that he’s not gay.” [comma is not needed.]

It had put his kids through college, and though his wife stayed back in Japan [you need a comma after "and"]

Joan couldn't put into words most of what she felt while hugging him, but it was a nice hug once he loosened up. She settled for saying, "That you need more practice. Are you a virgin?" Instead of telling us what Joan felt or was thinking, let Joan tell us by using italics as a way of indicating that someone is thinking, but without quotation marks, for example, I can't put it into words, it was a nice hug once he loosened up.]
[Your readers will pick up on that, this story could have used more of this. The omniperspective use of story telling works well, but I think this story needed more of a personal touch by adding the thoughts of the characters as well. This will allow you to do more "showing" than "telling."

Joan stood, walked five paces away, spun five hundred forty degrees, and approached the bench. "Hey there. Have you seen my bicycle by chance? I'm sure I locked it up here an hour ago." [this situation where you do not split up the narrative and the "speaking or thinking sections distracts from the story.]

I hope this was useful.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well done, and excellent teaching. Your skills are improving every time you upload another article. Keep it up.
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Review of Addiction Psalm  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (1.0)
This poem was originally written by James Anson in 1997
https://sermons.faithlife.com/sermons/12874-king-h...

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Review of Day of Awakening  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,
I am 67 years old and believe I am quite informed on many subjects. Just as yourself, I ask questions. My personal motto is: "Trust God, but question everything." I even made me a tee-shirt with that quote to show everyone how I felt.

You amaze me with your writing. I hope you continue to write.

One point though, you should not end a sentence with a preposition.
"Some were already telling me that Santa didn't exist in years I was receiving the best presents a kid could ask for."
should be
"Some were already telling me that Santa didn't exist in years I was receiving the best presents for which a kid could ask."
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this fascinating. I read of David Crockett in college. His biography, on its own, was enough for me to change my mind about how honest or courageous he truly was. So everything else I eventually read about him for my history class, I read with doubts.

My family has lived in the Texas area since before it was Texas. I have no love or hate for Crockett. I actually saw and enjoyed the series, but then I enjoy the craziest things.

Again, I looked for and did not find any grammatical errors or typos. Great job, excellent arguments.
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Review of Creation Science  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this essay quite enjoyable as well as informative. I found no typos other problems. Your arguments are sound and easily followed. Thank you for your legislative efforts to, at the least, provide equal footing for both sides. I am a pastor and have an interest in science. I have questions regarding both sides and I am still learning the answers.

Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Review of Hidden  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (3.0)
There are some grammatical concerns with the piece. For example: "straighten the books on the bookshelf, and make up your bed all nice." The comma is not needed there.

As well, little things like this can distract your reader, for example: "When you pull it out, it is a shoe box." Which is it? "When you pull it out you see it is a shoebox." or "It becomes a shoebox when it is pulled from under a bed."

The story lacks a bit more imagination and creativity.

I hope this helps. Keep writing.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent! A standing ovation is in order. You did an excellent job of taking the reader for a ride. It was so enjoyable that I could not stop reading until the end. Great job.

Two suggestions:

1. Separate the paragraphs, that will make the piece easier to read.

2. The sentence, "He had hurt more than enough people by that age..." should read, "He had hurt more than most people by that age..."
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Review of Samount Gugar v2  
Review by PastorJuan
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I love science fiction stories. I wrote a novel years ago that I have published on Amazon. I have also written several sci-fi short stories. I agree that the beginning is a little slow. On the other hand, I think it works well in this case. It helps with the build-up to the end. I think that it needs more of those little things like clues and signs of who this older man is and how he impacts the story. It sounds much like a story from the old TV series, "The Twilight Zone." What made them so successful is that the writers of the stories work hard at selling the story as though it is just the opposite of what they will eventually reveal.

The description of the bombing of the town was rather short and quick. Just five rather short sentences. I'd rather it was a bit longer and with more intense descriptions of the destruction. You know, to distract the reader.

The interchange between the two characters regarding the business cards threw me off as well. As a reader, I want to have a chance of figuring it out as well. There were no clues (that I noticed) that could help me figure out the identity of the older man before the young man did. No fun in that. And, anyway, how did he catch on by just reading the man's business card?

The end was also slow. The twist was just not that big. and it was exposed too easily.

I found a couple of problematic areas.

1. Julie is a salt skeptic so I add salt on the down low. The lid isn’t quite fastened. I don’t worry about it.

You never wrote where she serves him the food. While there is the assumption that the reader will accept certain things for the story to work (i.e. time travel) you should not spring things on them unless the story requires it. I could not find anything that would require his food to suddenly be there before him.

2. I'll get Julie on this helicopter. I'll find a way. I vow to myself.

I would have written this differently, I'll get Julie on this helicopter. I'll find a way, I vow to myself. The bolding is just for my emphasis.
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Review by PastorJuan
Rated: E | (5.0)
This rewriting is better by miles. Your writing skills are improving. I did not see anything that I felt neeing correction or improvement. This article will be a great addition to your book.
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