There are some grammatical concerns with the piece. For example: "straighten the books on the bookshelf, and make up your bed all nice." The comma is not needed there.
As well, little things like this can distract your reader, for example: "When you pull it out, it is a shoe box." Which is it? "When you pull it out you see it is a shoebox." or "It becomes a shoebox when it is pulled from under a bed."
The story lacks a bit more imagination and creativity.
Excellent! A standing ovation is in order. You did an excellent job of taking the reader for a ride. It was so enjoyable that I could not stop reading until the end. Great job.
Two suggestions:
1. Separate the paragraphs, that will make the piece easier to read.
2. The sentence, "He had hurt more than enough people by that age..." should read, "He had hurt more than most people by that age..."
I love science fiction stories. I wrote a novel years ago that I have published on Amazon. I have also written several sci-fi short stories. I agree that the beginning is a little slow. On the other hand, I think it works well in this case. It helps with the build-up to the end. I think that it needs more of those little things like clues and signs of who this older man is and how he impacts the story. It sounds much like a story from the old TV series, "The Twilight Zone." What made them so successful is that the writers of the stories work hard at selling the story as though it is just the opposite of what they will eventually reveal.
The description of the bombing of the town was rather short and quick. Just five rather short sentences. I'd rather it was a bit longer and with more intense descriptions of the destruction. You know, to distract the reader.
The interchange between the two characters regarding the business cards threw me off as well. As a reader, I want to have a chance of figuring it out as well. There were no clues (that I noticed) that could help me figure out the identity of the older man before the young man did. No fun in that. And, anyway, how did he catch on by just reading the man's business card?
The end was also slow. The twist was just not that big. and it was exposed too easily.
I found a couple of problematic areas.
1. Julie is a salt skeptic so I add salt on the down low. The lid isn’t quite fastened. I don’t worry about it.
You never wrote where she serves him the food. While there is the assumption that the reader will accept certain things for the story to work (i.e. time travel) you should not spring things on them unless the story requires it. I could not find anything that would require his food to suddenly be there before him.
2. I'll get Julie on this helicopter. I'll find a way. I vow to myself.
I would have written this differently, I'll get Julie on this helicopter. I'll find a way, I vow to myself. The bolding is just for my emphasis.
At first, it felt like a page out of someone's diary and my interest began waning, but about the middle of the story, I started catching on that everything was not alright. I liked the way you inserted the twist to the plot.
I suggest breaks signals between scenes like "***" or something else. This makes it clearer that the scene has changed. Double spacing in between may only look like a mistake.
Also, pay attention to the commas. For example:
"You work so hard during the day, and then spend half the night tossing and turning." You don't need the comma after "day."
Sage advice indeed. As a counselor of over thirty years, I tend to see marriage differently. I believe that “love” is the worst reason for marriage. At least, the “love” I have encountered with hundreds of couples I have counseled.
I have had hundreds of men and women in my office who have done terrible things to each other in the name of “love.” On the other hand, I have never had even one person show up to my counseling office to complain that someone who liked them did anything to hurt them.
If I could control the world and everyone on it, Persons wishing to get married would have to first prove they have attended premarital counseling. Secondly, they would not be allowed to spend more than a couple of thousand dollars on any type of marriage ceremony and celebration. Lastly, I would make it mandatory that they attend marriage counseling for the first five years, on a monthly basis.
Regarding the “Vulcans,” If they already have “envoy on your planet” why would they need to explain that they were peaceful to a Galactic Fleet Command vessel? And, why would they have to refresh the crew of the Stargazer of known information? If these “Vulcans” are anything like the ones from Star Trek, this would be illogical. Finally, if there are already “envoys” on earth, why would the Captain be asking anyone whether they were sincere?
Typos:
1. Navigator, bring us about [to] bearing 355 mark 0.
2. As Science Officer, what's your initial evaluation regarding his sincerity and [offer] of assistance?"
Question: Why did you use all caps for the announcement of the Captain? It slightly distracted from the flow of the story. It is not necessary to use caps to signify loudness. You can say something like, “Using a volume higher than normal to get the attention of the crew, the Captain addressed the crew.”
The second chapter could have been included with the first together making one single chapter. This is my opinion due to the length of each.
Two immediate questions: 1) who is “Xuriya?”Is she based on Uhura? And, are the Vorcians based on the Klingons?
The “message” from Galactic Fleet Command was one very long sentence, which could easily have been several shorter ones.
I did not understand why this sentence was included, “Foxwell did not require any additional explanation; he knew the risks involved in reference to pushing the Fusion drives to their limits.” The very next sentence made this one unnecessary.
One this sentence, "Nevertheless, schedule a meeting of Department heads from Engineering, Weapons, and Medical to be held in the briefing room in half an hour.” Why was the word “department” capitalized?
A typo occurred here.
"I've called this meeting to bring everyone up to date regarding the situation on earth," Captain Foxwell began, “Beta will first provide a briefing in reference to this newly encountered species, the Vorcians, their characteristics, ships, and weapons systems. Commander Beta, you have the floor."
As with the other officers, you have done a great job of providing an overall description of the duties and general data of the people themselves. I really liked the phaser, and which I could buy a working one.
The chapter is reminiscent of Star Trek lore. It feels like an episode from the original series. I don’t know if that is your intention, but that was the feel of it. I hope that you interpret that as a compliment from me. But, if your intention was not to sound Star Trekish, it did.
Something else caught my attention. The chapter did seem to flow as well as I hoped for. If you know the difference between “show and tell,” the story seems to tell more than show. I expect that you probably made some adjustments as you continued in other chapters.
I like that way the novel begins and am looking forward to reading the next chapter. I am awake in the middle of the night with nothing to do.
With all due respect, there were some issues that distracted from the reading.
1. The sentences are too long. Breaking them into smaller parts will enhance the reading by providing the readers with shorter pieces of the story to digest at a time. For example, “Science Officer Beta Ghislaine Vangelos informed the Captain atmospheric conditions were suitable for human life, with strangely beautiful, non-familiar vegetation and plant life visible on the surface from the spaceship's observation panes.”
a. I would recommend something like “Science Officer Beta Ghislaine Vangelos informed the Captain atmospheric conditions were suitable for human life. Strangely beautiful, non-familiar vegetation and plant life were visible on the surface from the spaceship's observation panes.”
b. Here is another example of a too long sentence: “"Ensign Roberts will remain with the Rover along with a security officer; all remaining crew will divide into two teams to scout the immediate area around our current position; we're attempting to determine if there's any evidence of activity before breaching the tree line and heading into open terrain leading to the city.”
c. There are several sentences which are too long.
d. This was the longest: “Captain Foxwell and two security officers walked one side of the street; Beta and her two officers patrolled the opposite side as both parties selected three structures at random; using their laser rifles they cut though what was thought to be possible access points; after each entry, a luminescent array of unframed electronic screens were present within 25 feet of entry, levitated vertically approximately 10 feet and tilted forward 15 degrees as they slowly and continuously rotated, depicting what appeared to be the same celestial display with indecipherable writing and symbols running along the bottom; scanner recordings were taken of each screen as the parties completed their sweeps and returned to the rover to begin the journey back to the Stargazer.”
2. Typos: ”using their laser rifles they cut through what was thought to be possible”
Really enjoyed the video. Spock influenced my life as I grew. I wanted to be more attentive to my use of logic as I dealt with an emotional world. I think it helped me feel more in control of me.
Interesting video on the rocket engine. The description of the SS Stargazer gives me the feeling of a well thought out vessel. Maybe I did not pay attention well, but how many persons can normally be aboard the ship?
Did "Scotty" being Scottish in Star Trek have any bearing on your decision for Pod's ancestry? So far, the officers seem as they will be adequate for the job.
I wrote a sci-fi story years ago. My first and only novel. I woke up one Sunday morning with the idea and much of the story in mind. I spent the next week writing 30 chapters. The overall plot and premise are good, but my writing skills and grammatical abilities were semi-adequate at best. Now looking back on it (I just finished listening to the book), I need to rewrite the book.
What you have here is much like what I did with each character, except I did it as I wrote the story. You have done an exceptional job of introducing the character, now I want to read some of the stories.
This was actually well done. I expected to find some grammatical problems with it and did not, Maybe I didn't look as hard as I could. But, I also thought, from the way you were going with the story, that you were also going to use the statement, " “Oh daddy, I learned it from you,” as some teaching point since your repeated it as much as you did. I thought you were going to end with the dad telling Angelique that he learned something from her. Anyway, great job.
Wow! Your treatise on self-judgment was well crafted. As one reads through each line the question of self is prominent. I think the answer is that you are the girl with writing skills who can go on to writes powerful articles, poems, and so on. You go, girl!
Beautifully done. You have masterfully captured the sense of encouragement such a wife would give to her husband. Your writing skills are wonderfully demonstrated through this passionate letter. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Beautifully done. I could feel a sense of regret from the beginning. You are truly gifted in the use of words in your poetry. I really enjoyed reading your poem. My favorite lines:
"Every day I dream,
about what could have been,
had I not let it pass by."
I will offer one suggestion. How about centering the poem and using the color scheme to give it flavor as well.
I will be as kind as I am able while reviewing your story.
First of all, it doesn't sound real. The characters do not react as real people would. If my daughter had just died, I would be devastated. My wife son and daughter would all be suffering and mourning. As a counselor, I can tell you that grief is a powerful emotional trauma for the person. Your story does not show any of that. In real life, what you describe as happening the next day after Ariana died, might have happened a few months later.
Other than this, the grammar of the story needs help. I gave you a few examples below. I hope this helps.
1. "But these eyes were not always like this" I recommend "But these eyes had not always been like this."
2. " falling gracefully" question, how does someone fall "gracefully" to her death. In reality, she would be screaming and clawing about to get a hold of something.
3. "Guilt is a strong feeling" I would like to recommend "Guilt is a powerful feeling."
4. "Guilt is a strong feeling; a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of regret... It is like a wisp of smoke, likely not to be seen. Guilt sounds like a child, afraid of the dark. It's [this should be "its"]eyes look like a gleaming lake, under the bright sun, trying not to cry. Guilt is like a shadow, that never parts with you. It's weakness is getting overridden by happiness. Guilt doesn't let anyone accept themselves, like casting a shadow over the sun." This whole section needs work. Especially the last sentence. Guilt doesn't let what? The analogies and comparisons don't work well. I would just delete the whole section up to "It makes people want to cry all day.."
5. "She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and stared at her reflection in the mirror." this sentence does not need a comma. There are several sentences like this. I would encourage you to use Grammarly. It is free for personal use.
Truly well done. I can see that your writing skills are improving and that God will get all the glory. The more you write, the more you bless God. I am going to give this story an award.
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