I really did enjoy the story. I love science fiction and wish I had thought of this concept as well. I found some minor corrections which you should look into.
1. the spacing between paragraphs 7 and 8 needs adjustment.
2. I did not understand the reason for the 10s throughout the story they distracted me some.
One thing bothers me is that I, as a grandpa, would have taken the time to teach Rennie about how to travel and communicate in the "present" once she was old enough for just the circumstance you described. I have to believe that your character would have the same motivations.
Hi,
It seems that you may not have completed this writing. So far it looks like something that may prove useful. I will look forward to seeing what you end up with.
Interesting poem. I had a bit of trouble figuring it out. But, isn't the word "Bouganvillea" spelled "Bougainvillea?"
Anyway, great effort. My favorite line is, "My metaphors are as deconstructed as a
well thought out canape," mostly because it makes me have to think of the meaning.
My favorite line is, "Dotted with discarded wreckage from a time long." And, at the same time, it sounds like it isn't a complete sentence. This causes the reader to become distracted as she or he continues reading.
I can tell you have been writing poetry for some time now. That was excellent. I greatly enjoyed the adventure you took me on. My favorite line was, "Terrible demons of dreams." I think I can relate to that idea.
Your rhythm pattern follows successfully throughout the poem. It adds to the enjoyment of it's reading.
Overall I really like your poem. There are some things which can be done better, for instance, "pitty" is actually spelled "pity." Also, it could use commas in strategic places. I recommend using spell check or Grammarly, I use both a lot.
The pattern of the poem is good. Some of the rhymes do not natch, but you can say whatever you want in a poem and get away with it.
I think your story greatly helps to explain the idea of Dukkha. Is that an India term?
How would you use it in a sentence?
The story itself was well written but I would have liked to know a bit more about her. The reference to the mother could have been a reason to expand more, maybe.
Overall, your essay is well written. The English is adequate. One thing though, you use the small "i" instead of the correct capital "I".
Also:
1. "Animal Farm[,] and here"
2. "ungenuine" should be disingenuous
3. " educatet" should be educated.
4. "books, wich prevents" wich is really which
5. "Clover question[s the] morality of killing"
6. "common sense, [the] pigs stay"
As a counselor and a writer, I truly found your poem interesting. As a writer, I can "hear" the "feelings" of the poem through your use of imagery. As a counselor, I can sense the despair oozing through each of the words. Well done and well done again.
A cute poem. It tells the story of the little prince, I think.
In the second stanza, though, it sounds like you are speaking of the snow, but then it says "lives already have been grown," and I again think you're poem is about the prince.
Interesting "mini-rant." I am not familiar with those Disney movies. I will have to find time to check them out.
I did find some points that need attention. I hope this helps.
1. "than most disney movies" should be "Disney."
2. "true to the proportians" the correct spelling is "proportions."
3. "you have GOT to recognise" the correct spelling is, "recognize."
I can feel the injustice you felt as you observed what you did. Your poem did you justice.
I liked this line best: "Each string, each layer taught to you by another generation another era." It speaks to the problems on top of other problems that make things worse.
I found one thing I recommend be corrected: "It's obscured by the sound ..." The word "It's" (being singular) is not correct because in the prior sentence you say, "The words..." (being plural). It should say, "They are obscured ..."
My oh my, I had to use a damp cloth to wipe my face to finish reading.
Actually, it was a nice sample of a story. It brought up enough questions to promote a longer rendition. The imagery was clear and the story enjoyable.
Of course, as a pastor, I say ya'll should behave at work.
Our Lord our Provider.
Well written poem. Excellent points made throughout. It is obvious you took care to accentuate specific attributes about our God. The flow was good and it made the reading of the poem easier and enjoyable.
I like the way you express yourself in these poems. As a counselor, I can see the value to yourself in these creations of yours. But, putting them all together in one post makes it a bit difficult to review each, and rate them independently. Please consider making a separate document for each one, so that people will be able to rate one of them higher if they liked it, and maybe not as high if they think it needs work. Hey, you're the "Queen" but we minions need Her Majesty to cut us a break and separate the poems. I give you my word, that if you do, I will take the time to review each one individually. Deal?
Wow, that was good. I followed the thought right away. The pace was to point and made it enjoyable. One of the lines bothered me though, "it cries for the help." This does not work well, it causes a stumbling block in the flow. If I may be so bold, please allow me to suggest this, "it cries in need of help."
One of the things I found especially intriguing about this article is that you seem to have taken great care to answer questions a reader may have as they read. It is obvious that you asked yourself those same questions and made a real effort to provide the answers. I call this a job well done.
I would suggest though that you separate each paragraph from the other to make it more aesthetically pleasing. And, there was no need to highlight the line at the bottom.
Really good. I like the visuals that you produce in my mind as the poem goes on. The way you worded it, it left me wanting more. Good job! I really enjoyed it. You have a solid knack for verbal description. Keep up the good work.
Hi,
I didn't find any typos, errors, misspellings, or anything of the kind, but then I wasn't really looking. I just found this funny and I read it. I don't really care about birthday parties either, but I care about those who so insistently want to give one to me. So, I usually smile, bite my lip. Eat a small piece of cake (I don't like cake) and smile at everyone in attendance at least once, and then I sneak off somewhere and wait for the party to end.
I truly enjoyed this article. I can tell you paid attention to the details as well as writing something interesting. This shows that you are a good writer, and can improve as well. I did not notice even one correction, typo, or error. Good work.
This is a good educational and informative essay. To me, you were clear and instructive. Short but enough information to make the essay interesting.
A couple of points though:
1. "apply pressure to the area, another was to use a tourniquet [to the area,] and wound packing" - it is not necessary to repeat those words since the reader is going to assume you are speaking of the same area unless you indicate something different.
2. "based on the body part where the blood was coming from." - Try not to end a sentence on a preposition. You could have said, instead, "based on the body part from which where the blood was coming."
3. "All I could see was people living life with bleeding wounds." - A better way to say this could be, "I visualized people living life with bleeding wounds."
4. "God’s yearning of helping people live surpasses the instructors desire." - Two points in this sentence, "God’s desire to help people live surpasses the instructor's desire."
I'll stop here. I want to encourage you to find others.
This so much reminds me of the song O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps. "Things are going to get easier."
I very much enjoyed this essay. Lots of good points of encouragement.
I have only one problem, this sentence: "In conclusion, literature teacher gained their wings, Keep your head level on your shoulders, remain positive with your heart, maintain focus in your mind, be patient with your actions, let your feet be planted firmly, grasp the helm firmly with your hands , and keep your eyes to the horizon."
It should say, I think:
"In conclusion, literature teacher[s] gained their wings, [k]eep your head level on your shoulders, remain positive with your heart, maintain focus in your mind, be patient with your actions, let your feet be planted firmly, grasp the helm firmly with your hands[,] and keep your eyes to the horizon." [plus it is a bit long]
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