|Hi!! I’m Rhymer, and I found your item "He Would also Be Mine" while doing research for "The Rainbow Readerie" . If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you how and why I feel your piece is important.
I was a manager at Wendy’s for what could easily have been five thousand years. So, yeah, this story is believable to me right off the bat, the situation one I can identify with. You captured the Window Romance really well, that bit of anxiety as everyone is starting their day while you’re hoping for that one customer to come through for a few seconds of thrill. The only reason I’m giving this part a 4.5 and not a 5 is because you’ve done such a great job of creating this story…the greedy reader in me wants to know more.
The points are gonna seem petty, and that’s okay; they should. You have a great piece here, so almost any review will seem nit-picky. It just means you’re off and running, and it won’t take much to make this one of your strongest pieces.
“He wasn’t my first customer.” This is such an effective first line. It’s short, and it’s a hook that does exactly what it should: it makes me wanna know more. Add in that your first word is “He”, which is what fuels this story, and this is a perfect start as far as I believe. This is one of those lines that you either sat and thought about and rewrote a million times to get it perfect, or it was one of those lines that just popped out…this is a testimony of your talent, intentional or not.
“…had an 17th Birthday…” In this line, when writing a story, numbers are generally written out unless your character is seeing something on a receipt or banner. And “an” should be “a”, and “Birthday”, within this context shouldn’t be capitalized…that rule is like the first one: within context of your of your character’s perception, “17th Birthday” would be appropriately written on a banner your character sees or a card he might read. I know, nit-picky, and I’m sorry, but, then again, I’m not. Cause these are such small things, easily skipped over no matter how many revisions are done before someone reads the story.
“…my father got orders…” I don’t ever notice how many times those around me use a form of “got” in conversation…I don’t ever hear it. But when I read the word, in most cases, it does snap me out of the story for a second. And the reason I say this is because there is always a better word than “got”, always a better opportunity to use a richer word. “Received”, “Orders were dictated to us through my father…” I mean, use your words and voice, but you see what I mean. “When I got in…” could be “Once in my routine at work, I divvied…” We tend to pick the word “got” to use because it’s easy, but it also takes away chances for descriptions of action that tell a little more of the story than just “got”. And you shouldn’t feel bad for using it, because it’s one of those things we do out of habit until we realize it cuts the story’s potential.
“…he didn't care about the smell of fries, oil, or sweat.” This is such a good line, because it’s an important way to show how anyone who’s worked eight hours around hot and greasy food feels.
I picked out a couple of things I noticed as themes, and hopefully they’ll help. Regardless, this story is well-founded and interesting. Actually, more than that, it’s honest and real. What I believe were your main points in your head with this story, you nailed: the hopeful open-ended flirty reason to go to work, and the feeling of acceptance and progression. This is a really good story, and you should feel proud of it.
You know you’re a writer, right? I mean, you don’t have to do anything to be a writer except to live stories, and I think you do that. Personally, you’re ready to write a story with the confidence to substantiate your talent. You deserve to be proud of this story, to see what you’ve done that worked here (that first line…PERFECT). I think you’re a lot more of a writer than you realize, and I hope you start seeing and feeling that soon. You and your stories and poems are ready to soar.
I hope your day has been good, sir. I personally love this. This is why I’m such a big fan of yours!!
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