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26
26
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear dee,

An Angel Army port Raid Review.

Some unqualified praise is due. Your word games are fun, and you know I'm a devoted fan of your Linericks.

But I'll go into detail:

Fortunately/Unfortunately ..

Fortunately, the creativity of the participants doesn't seem to know an end.
Unfortunately, you can only visit that many in&outs a day.

Linericks

The best In&Out on this site,
I'm not saying this to be polite,
Is sparkling with wit,
Every line is a hit.
That is most are, sometimes they are trite. *Wink*

Mary had a little In & Out

Mary wrote a little rhyme / for an In&Out. / She entered every day or so / To laugh and be laughed about.

Dismissals

Would an entrant be shown the exit?

Tom Swifities

"This is an outstanding I&O!" Tom said obscurely.

Nearlies

Dee-day (well, maybe)

See you at the next inning. (or outing?)


Best wishes,

Anne

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27
27
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Diane,

This is an Angel Army port raid review.

Story:This is a beautiful idea. You turn cyberspace into a real house, and anything that is just a little icon or link that can be reached with the tip of your finger becomes a real action. You give this site the reality it deserves. A second home to many of us, it makes the personalities behind the handles speak, the creativity behind each item shine, and it's as buzzing and lively as a fun fair.

Point-of-View: The point of view of a timid newbie works very well for this piece. It offers the opportunity to show the most important features to get started.

Needless to say, there's a lot more to tell, but it's enough for the beginner.

Mechanics: The links are very good, too. It should really be the first thing, a newbie reads on this site.

I wonder why I didn't. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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28
28
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Diane,

This is an Angel Army port raid review.

Story: This chapter is mostly to introduce Shannon and to set up Diane's first date. At the enter of it is the conversation between Diane and Shannon in the cafeteria. It's the best part, too. Shannon trying to persuade her friend, Diane's constant objections, and Shannon mocking her make a delightful scene.

Again, I'm not so sure about Matt's part. You are way more subtle than in the chapters before, and it contrasts well with the two women discussing a different man, but again, I think you've given away too much.

And then you repeat the motive of the accidental bumping and dropping the files. I do like the scene, Matt's teasing and all the witnesses, but I didn't like the repetition.

Character: I was impressed with the way you use conflict and dialog to highlight the differences between the two friends. I felt like I was sitting at the next table and eaves-dropping into their conversation.

My favorite sentence: "'I do not have a list for everything, just the important things.'" It's so real, well, that could have been me.

There was not a false note to it. Shannon's outgoing character, her lack of embarrassment, and Diane's worries and excuses made both of them real and alive. Well done.

Voice: It's in the dialog in this chapter, that Diane becomes more real. Your narration is so cautious, as if you were trying to avoid mistakes. The dialog proves that you know your character well, and you should be able to put her personality into the narration from her point of view, too.

Language: I find it hard to comment on your language. Your text reads smoothly, but I miss...boldness maybe. I can find no fault I can put my finger on, except that I could say something like you could vary the length of your sentences a bit more, but I'm not sure that'll take care of he point. I'd like to suggest that you take more risks in your writing, be more daring, experiment a little. Live dangerously!

I apologize for being so imprecise.



I see that I was wrong, and this is the last chapter so far. I hope you'll continue this novel. I still want to know if Diane and Matt hit it off together. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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29
29
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Diane,

This is a Angel Army port raid review.

Story: So, Diane is a different person having made her decision to start dating again. On this Monday morning a lot of things are different than on other days. She notices the tiles in her bedroom and decides to buy a rug. She changes her style of dress and even puts on make-up for work.

And the first result is that she meets an attractive stranger at her work-place.

Plot: The part at home puzzled me a little. I wondered why her slippers were hidden behind a stack of novels under her bed. That seems to indicate that she hasn't worn them in a while. I can hardly believe it. I can understand that she didn't buy an area rug, depressed as she was, but I'd think, she'd have her slippers at hand. (I liked that she placed a sci-fi novel on her nightstand to get ideas for her first date. *Laugh* I'll try that.)

I loved, too, that her wardrobe had turned into a garden. It's a funny quirk that characterizes her well. (Though, later on, I became a little doubtful that she had to look so long for a suitable dress for work. She has a senior position, so she should have a bit of professional clothing around, or?)

Her daydream while ironing was very good, too. Could you play it out more as a scene? In dramatic narration, it is detached from your narrator, and I don't think it should be.

All in all, I found the first part a bit lengthy, though. It's morning routine without a lot of conflict.

Then, enter: the attractive stranger with the deep blue eyes. I'll tell you what I expected from the further novel: While she is chasing men through different blind-dates and all kind of blunders and troubles, TRUE LOVE awaits where she expects it the least.

I enjoyed the scene of the first encounter very much. I thought it was funny that the first thing she does is giving him her own medicine. His flirtatious answer and her awkward reply just make it perfect.

The following part put a different spin on things. You change the point of view, and I'm not sure I like it. Maybe, it's simply the way you play out your information. You tell so much about Matt Mather, his past, his wishes for a family, and he's so attractive - can they fail to hit it off? Judging from his background, I almost expect the novel to end after the following chapter. (I know there are four already.)

Her work is demanding and obviously important to her. But when you tell us that Matt has arranged for a meeting (and for personal reasons) you take away the suspense of what could be an interesting side-plot. It's obvious that she would work hard to meet the demands of a new general manager, but since we know already how he feels about her - can she fail?

Point-of-View: As I said before, I'm not fond of the shift in perspective. From the first chapter, I had somehow gotten the impression that you were planning to write the novel from Diane's perspective only. This may have prejudiced me. So, you'll have to take the following comments based on this prejudice.

I'd leave that part out. Maybe, Diane should hear his mumbled response. That would give us something to fantasize about, and we'd certainly expect this man to take a major role in the plot. I think the reader should learn way later about his family, his wishes - and his thoughts about Diane. She's going to learn it later, and why should I know more than Diane?

Mechanics: I've got the impression that this is a first draft, from several typos that are completely absent in anything else I've read in your port. So, I'd be delighted to see how this story moves on. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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30
30
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear Diane,

This is a Angel Army port raid review.

Story: You do a lot of work in this first chapter for a novel. You introduce your protagonist and her current situation and give a lot of back story on her relationship with her deceased husband. I like the beginning. The metaphor of bubbles is original, it struck a chord with me immediately. I'd even suggest you explore it a little deeper. I think the picture is simply too good to be left alone like this, but then, it's your decision.

I wish, you'd motivate Diane's decision to start dating again more clearly. You basically say that it's time to. But having not spent time with her before, I find that her decision appears to be spontaneous, a spur of the moment. I'm afraid she'll chicken out after all. That's taking the suspense out of the situation.

I've got another point of discontent. Diane is daydreaming about her first date with her deceased husband. That effect is two-fold. You characterize Diane as a daydreamer and you give the back story on Larry. But I think you are answering the wrong dramatic question. I don't want to know how Larry and Diane met. (Not at this stage anyway.) I want to know about his death, and what makes it so difficult for Diane to get over it. The death of a loved one is a traumatic experience for everyone, and I can relate, but I'd like to hear Diane's story. It would be special and individual; it's going to color her future experiences with men.

You do introduce the topic of first dates and flirting before you give the story of their first date, but I still think there must be a better place for this story. Maybe (just a thought), it could work as a contrast to a new date. Larry was different. Or, I wonder why I'm still the same babbling idiot I was at eighteen.

I did enjoy the scene itself, though. The narration is vivid, I enjoyed especially the part where the father is quizzing Larry. The father is a wonderful character. I can see his daughters writhing and fidgeting with embarrassment. Again, I've got a question about Diane's motivation. Why is she so keen on kissing Larry? At first, she wants the whole neighborhood with them and accepts his invitation out of pity, but during the movie, she seems to change her mind. Maybe, it's me, but I didn't get it.

Character: This is where you accomplish most within this chapter. Diane appears to be lonely and depressed living in a house that is too large for her needs, not caring much about her appearance and her surrounding (the hand-me-downs and the blanket). She's day-dreaming, and that makes me expect how she's going to deal with the conflict that will ensue.

Voice: Her voice is careful and formal, even when daydreaming. I think you could be a little bolder here. Working with fragments, interspersing her memory with current reflections - I keep thinking stream of consciousness might be a mode that would get the reader close to your narrator. I've got the feeling (early days, I know), a lot of her conflicts are going to take place within her, and - nosy reader that I am - I want to eavesdrop on that.

You've created a lovable character in your first chapter. I'm going to read on and see what you'll make out of it. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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31
31
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Diane,

This is an Angel Army port raid review.

Story: I found this story very funny, a lovely mix of genres. Starting out at an AA meeting, it tells the story of fantasy character (two actually). I felt you were constantly winking at me, and I had a quiet little chuckle.

Voice:Bob comes across very real, and even though his alias shows in the title,his real nature came as a surprise. All of a sudden there's this little twist in the story. I feel like I'm beamed into a different story. And at the end the story twists again. His new occupation gives a funny contrast. And the story of his friend is a last wink at the reader.

Bob's everyday voice and his twisted tale make me wonder at the other attendees of the meeting? Who are they? Where does the meeting take place? I like that a lot.

Sweet and perfect! *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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32
32
Review of Tell Me A Story  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Dear Diane,

This is a port raid review for the Angel Army.

Story: I'm not entirely sure I got the point of the story. The frame is a mother telling a story to her children, and the story is the second plot. I would have expected the story told by the mother to have an influence on reality, but the two plots seem rather separate, except for the mother doing what a lot of good story-tellers have done and giving the characters in her story the names of her children.

What I'd like to suggest depends on your focus. If it's the story told by the mother, I'd leave the frame story out completely. The story works well as a stand alone.

If you'd like to concentrate on the frame, I think you'd need to add something. You could for example make it an analogy to real life. The warlock could represent someone in real life. (It sounds clichéd, but I think it might still work. And anyway, I'm not handing out serious suggestions, just trying to clarify my point.)

To be honest, I'd like the first version better. I like the way you portray the warlock, but the moral is so subtle - it seems to me it's rather a story for adults than children. You are playing with the expectations of the reader, and I liked this best about the story.

Character: The children (and especially the constant teasing and fighting) are very convincing. I love their innocence, their fearlessness, too. (Again, I think this is a point adults will appreciate more than children, I think.)

And I'm impressed with the warlock. You need so few words to characterize him - and what's better: it's all showing, no telling.

Language: I'm becoming annoying, I know, I've already make that point. If this is a story told to children, I don't think the sentence structure works. It's too complicated, there are too many complex sentences. As a stand alone the "inner" story would work better. If the story was actually told, I'd expect there to be more simple clauses (and really some interruptions from the children. "Me, I'd never!" "'Course you do!" Timothy gave Jessica a cuff, and I had to threaten them not to finish the story to get their attention again. Just a thought. It's how I've always imagined why "Alice in Wonderland" and "Winnie the Pooh" became so successful. I've always thought the children that featured in the story did half of the invention.)

Within the "inner" story is another sentence, I don't believe the kids would have swallowed: "Like all children, Jessica and Timothy were curious about everything, especially things their parents forbade." Though, this is certainly true, I doubt T & J are old enough to reflect on it.

Enough nagging. The description of the forest, the hut, and the sounds that came from within (that really was my favorite part) are captivating. The image still sticks in my head.

I wonder if this was thought of becoming the first of a series. It could, you know. I'd love to hear the story about the cow and the kitten! (And take the wind out of my sails...) *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes, and I got an ugly feeling I did this time.

Best wishes,

Anne


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33
33
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Shadowwalker,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your story on the Rising Stars List in the Angels Army Review Forum, and wanted to offer a few comments.

Story:WOW! WOW! WOW! You've developed a horrifying apocalyptic vision. It's cruel, but compelling, and the strength of your narrator kept me glued to the page. Your tale gains weight by its strong moral trait. In the end, it's the an eternal human conflict, you describe, more easily visible when watched through the glasses of imagination.

Plot: In the great scheme of things, you did very well. From the Wall, you lead us inside New Boston, and from there outside to the Dead. By the end, I've got the feeling, I know your world very well. You've also developed a good character arc, the narrator grows and changes throughout the story: that makes me care - and read on.

Sometimes, I found that a scene was not motivated clearly, and I hope you won't mind me pointing them out.

In the first place I don't understand why the Living guard their colony so tightly when it's only in the end that the Dead start attacking them. You write "the war continues", but against whom? What do they know about the Dead that makes them take this action?

"The first time I saw the Dead": You are talking about "prewar seasons", and I'm wondering what time you are talking about. It can't have been before the Last World War (or the Dead wouldn't exist), but then you say "there are no seasons now", so what has changed? (I thought the eternal winter was due to the same war)

"I had to know if they would bleed." I really love this line, but I wish you'd explain what makes him want to find out. Again, you might want to add some of the talk about the Dead on the Wall, so your narrator's motivation could become clearer.

The bigger issue is though that later on he gets deeply involved with the Dead, and none of them minds that your narrator has killed one of them. I bet, the New Bostoners would.

The outcast: I can see perfectly well why your narrator withdraws from the people in New Boston. What I can't see is why the community is not prepared to deal with it. You mention at the beginning of the story that the men who came back were "hailed as heroes or locked behind steel bars". That implies that antisocial behavior is not uncommon in an ex-soldier.

The experiment: Again "locked behind steel bars"? Why is he selected and offered a different fate? And why is it an experiment? Isn't the outcome clear to everybody? Does the appearance of the Dead not speak for itself? It might be easier if he was simply banned and expected to die from radiation or be killed by the Dead to motivate his exit from New Boston. (Though, I realize this would get you into trouble when you want to get the chopper to Manhattan.

Last point: What killed the New Bostoners? And why are they still standing up, when they are dead? I'm sure you can find a way to tell me.

Point-of-View: Your point of view is consistent throughout the story. And you chose it well. It's his story you want to tell, and you play out information of the world he is inhabiting wisely.

Voice: This is the real strong point of your story. The narrator sounds authentic, you really got into his head. I'm impressed, how you make him justify his violent acts. There's not a false note in it. It's him talking, and you don't raise to the bait to make a statement as an author.

I've got one complaint, and it doesn't concern your narrator, but the man who tells him, he's banned from New Boston. The dialog lines seem forced to me, over-formal. I think, you are trying to do too much with these lines. My suggestion would be to let him give the verdict in direct speech, and let your narrator provide the information about prisoners and their rights.

Language: The story "flows" well. Since your narrator is so authentic, the sentences vary in length and rhythm according to his thoughts. I like your descriptions, too. You've got an eye for telling details without overloading the reader with them. (My favorite is the introduction of the Dead! What a picture!)

Mechanics: This is obviously a first draft. I've found lots of typos, some grammatical errors, and so on. I'm sure if you read through the story closely, you'll fix them.

The story would be easier to read if you double-spaced after each paragraph. This is especially important, because your story is relatively long, as are the paragraphs in itself. Give me a chance to find the spot where I stopped when I glance aside to my cup of tea or the ashtray.

Your story makes for an exciting read. There's great creativity behind it. I'd be very interested in reading a second draft. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


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34
34
Review of Just One Time  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear E E Coder,

Thanks for entering your story into
The Ventriloquist CLOSED  (18+)
Short story contest, based on character prompts, focusing on voice
#1217844 by Anne Light
.

Story: You capture a very tragic moment in the life of the teenage girl. You play out the scene with the doctor in present tense and intersperse it with the girl's reflections and memories. I liked your use of associations. The words trigger the memories effectively. My favorite is "cocktail". The scene in the office contrasts sharply with her memories. The doctor's words, that you use to set the two paragraphs of reflection apart, are very pointed, because they could have come from Brad as well.

You start in medias res, and leave the same fashion. It's but a snapshot of a life, but what a moment you've chosen!

Character: Even though she narrates the scene, I can see the girl being dumb-struck and at a loss for words when she gets the news. I found it particularly interesting that she pictures the fate of her boy-friend before she pictures her own. And her feelings of shame at facing her mother really put me in her shoes. It's a very convincing reaction.

Voice: Your means of conveying your narrator's character are rather subtle. There are some colloquial terms that show your characters age (like "partypooper"), but they are unobtrusive and don't disturb the flow o the story. The sentence structure sets a rather thoughtful mood. Maybe the situation could use a dash of panic.

There are two points, I'd like to mention. You give a self-description, starting with "to me of all people...". However, the description looks as if it's given from the outside, "the serious student, the outgoing cheerleader". I don't think this is how somebody would refer to herself. Maybe, something like "Me? I'll be the valedictorian! I've got a scholarship...". I don't know. This is rather a way to illustrate my thoughts than a suggestion. You'll certainly come up with something better.

The second point is a minor one. In the paragraph that introduces Brad, you use past perfect, and I think it should be present perfect. She's talking about the time until now, isn't she?

I liked the doctor's voice very much. It's succinct and to the point, but considering your narrator's troubles, he appears to be cold and distant. It's a great contrast and very realistic.

Language: I've found no other fault than the ones stated above. The story is written with great care and knowledge about the effect of your writing.

It's amazing how much emotion and tragedy you've put in this "little" story. *Smile*


And remember that I'm a single person voicing her opinion. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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35
35
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear gothprincess,

Thanks for entering your story into
The Ventriloquist CLOSED  (18+)
Short story contest, based on character prompts, focusing on voice
#1217844 by Anne Light
.

Story: What a sweet and funny little story you've created. Your heroine is engaging, ingenious and funny. The conflict is so typically teen-age: oh, haven't we all been there! Her scheme is ingenious, and I wish I'd had the confidence at seventeen! The plot works out neatly, and I love the end. I simply cracked up. Nothing could make her more teen-age than the confrontation with her father!

Character: Blair is absolutely convincing! He buoyancy, the ups and downs of her mood, the relationship with her father - and all that pink, it paint's a picture everybody can recognize.

Voice: This is reflected in her voice, too. You chose to write the story in third person, which means you've got to be more subtle with reflecting her personality in the language. You did well. I'll quote one paragraph that shows the best of it.

" 'Okay,' Blair said. A huge, dopey smile still stretched her mouth into cartoon proportions. She couldn’t stop smiling; it was like strings were attached to the corners of her lips and pulling them constantly upward. A big bubble of happiness filled her middle, banishing all the nervous butterflies into oblivion. 'Well, then. Uh, bye!'"

Your imagery, the "bubble of happiness", your choice of words, the "cartoon proportions", all show a young, very happy person.

Twice you veer off from that voice, as my inner nagger keeps informing me.

"A gorgeous, blue-eyed, blond, seventeen-year-old senior…" I don't believe that is the way she thinks about herself. I mean "gorgeous"? Maybe, Luke could make a compliment and give that information more effectively.

"But then teenage love did do some pretty stupid things to your head." This is an adult speaking. Blair would think it's TRUE love, or would she?

Language: There's no awkwardness in your writing. Your style is clear and confident. I've already mentioned your happy choice of words to characterize your narrator. I will only add that your sentences flow easily, consistent with the atmosphere you've created, and that I didn't stumble or had to reread in order to understand!

This was a very enjoyable read! I'd recommend it as an antidepressant! *Smile*


And remember that I'm a single person voicing her opinion. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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36
36
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear W.D. Wilcox,

Thanks for entering your story into
The Ventriloquist CLOSED  (18+)
Short story contest, based on character prompts, focusing on voice
#1217844 by Anne Light
. (And thank you for being the first to enter. I was greatly relieved!)

Story: This is a wonderful interpretation of the prompt. The story itself defines pride using the means of a horror story and of a medieval allegory. The plot is very clear, the scenes are linked logically. If I may nag a bit, there's a tiny weakness in your character motivation. You give no reason why he returns home.

Character: Your character is alive and unique. I liked very much the way he justifies his actions. He sees himself as a good man and places himself at the center of his own universe. It's what makes him so believable. Don't we all perceive the story of our life with the spotlight on us?

Voice: The voice of your character is very strong, too. His use of language is a bit over-formal, which serves two purposes. It gives the story its historical atmosphere and characterizes the narrator.

My favorite sentence is: "I smiled kindly to her." In any other story I'd recommend to get rid of the adverb. But in this context it's used to the best effect. It's the way, your narrator perceives himself, and he would certainly not neglect to mention it.

There is one part, in which I find you don't use the same care with voice. It's the final dialogs of the demons: "'I know,' laughed the other. 'It works every time!'" The last sentence doesn't fit with the historical "feel" in your story. It sounds rather like a contemporary street con man speaking than a demon. But maybe that's just me.

Language: It's obvious that you take great care with the language. I've already mentioned the consistency of your character's voice. The story is an easy read. Your description is done with equal efficiency. You paint the image of the house in the jungle with few words, but the house stands clearly before me. What's more, it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story. It fits in smoothly, and (so it seems to me) effortlessly, you've created an eerie atmosphere for the following scene.

I enjoyed the story very much, and I'm impressed with the quality of your writing! *Smile*

And remember that I'm a single person voicing her opinion. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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37
37
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Kim-Marie,

I found this in the Comedy Newsletter and wanted to tell you how much I loved this piece!

You make a promise in your description and you keep it. I was delighted to see how much I was wrong. Toward the end of the first part I went like, oh no, this is supposed to be funny? And then you hit home. I stared with disbelief at the verb at the beginning of the second part (you know which) and grinned throughout the rest of the piece.

This is not only funny, it's my favorite kind of humor! You take your character seriously. That's where the humor comes from; you don't go hunting for a breezy punchline!

The voice of your narrator is wonderfully alive. And though you mislead us poor readers completely, it's consistent in both parts. I admire your command of voice. You put it to the best possible effect!

My favorite sentence is: "See, how sorry I am?" And I do see. I have the full picture in my mind. It's amazing how you render the personality of the narrator using syntax. The despair, the emotional blackmail and its success: it's instantly recognizable! And then you tweak the story one final time putting the words of the partner into your narrotor's words.

I'm trying very hard not to give anything away, because everybody out there should read this! So, it's just *Wink* , *Wink* , know what I mean?

And can I visit your port again, please?

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 
38
38
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Kiyasama,

I've found the story on the Review Request Page and wanted to offer a few comments.

Character: I'll start with your narrator because he's what I like best about this story. Congratulations! You've created an engaging anti-hero with a distinct voice. I love the way he comments on his friends and the self-effacing way he speaks about himself. If I may nag, I'd say: Let him protest a little more forcefully that he's not a nerd. Because he is.

I'd also suggest that you leave out the family history, because his parents' divorce have no bearing on the story, neither do they explain his emotional state. Your characterization does.

Plot: You play out the story in two scenes, and both are well done. The first is my favorite, though. The voices of your characters are so strong, I bounced happily from one to the other until the scene was done.

I've got a suggestion for the part in which Justin is searching for the name of the girl. I'd play it out. You characterize him as a compulsive filer, but I think the scene would win if he spoke aloud: "Weren't you the one who...?"

I wonder why I don't like the second scene quite as well. It's vivid, the way he comes up with the name in class is funny, the reflective part is brilliant (only leave out the sentence about the parents). One thing is, the conversation between the two is rather direct, and I wouldn't expect that concerning their relationship.

The second reason is that the story doesn't seem to end at the end. Justin's main conflict is - for my reading - that Gabriella dumped him after two months and that he's unsure if he can keep a girl. It's not overcoming his shyness to approach one. The way you describe him, the girls start running away after he talks to them not before. That means the story should end when the two end up together.

You could of course change that description, maybe suggest that he's over-acting with Gabriella and that he's got some longer relationships before.

Language: About "fug": I disliked it. I think you should go GC instead. Your characters' voices are so strong and so good, don't interrupt the flow of your story with a wrong and dishonest term! Surely, there are enough readers around who can bear the truth.

I've found some modifiers, that I consider superfluous. Maybe, you'd like to cut them.

"His meaty elbow digs into my rib each time he rollicks back and forth like a cannon ball while laughing heartily." I already gathered that.

"Tom mimics in a ridiculously girly voice that has me trying to cuff him." The way you describe Tom, "girly" is enough.

" 'Gabriella,' I say on autopilot." It's already a repetition, I don't think you need to clarify.

"For a moment, there’s a deathly silence around the table,..." Why are silences always "deathly"?

" 'The truth is, Justin Dresden,' she begins and I unconsciously find myself bracing for it,..." He's quite conscious about it, as becomes clear in his reflections.

Despite my nagging, I loved this story. It's a good and easy read, you've got an engaging narrator and a believable conflict. *Smile*

And feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 
39
39
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Lynn,

It's been a while since I read something from you, so I thought I'd stop by your port.

Plot: This short-story covers a long period of time, but you delivered it in fragments and get over it smoothly. You start your scenes at the last possible moment and end them at the first. It makes for a racy read. I like the twist at the end as well as the moral: It's our fears that cause us the greatest harm not anything from the outside.

Characters: I like them both. Ian is easily enthused and sticks to his ideas, he's calling the shots in the marriage. Maris is less confident, and is struggling with her irrational fears.

A few remarks here. You describe the marriage as happy, and I would have Maris agree more readily to buy the house. "'Well…I guess so.'" That's the line I don't like. You've already foreshadowed the end with her dream (and the reader will already expect something to happen, it's the rule of the genre). I think it would be better, if Maris had really forgotten her nightmare until the winter brings it back.

"Never mind. It's just my imagination." She decided she'd gamble on staying. Surely, it was nothing.

At this point, I don't believe it. She feels trapped since October. Maybe the reason for her giving in could lay in the marriage instead.

Description: Your prose is vivid, clear and rich. It's always a pleasure to read. I especially enjoyed the dream and the final scene on the lake.

One teeny weeny point. The nightmare occurs in the summer, and you tell us in the dialog. My suggestion would be to show it by describing the light and the heat. I'm sure, the reader would know, that a lot of time passes until the prophecy comes true.

As an aside: I loved the note on what inspired you. I wish you could weave it into the story. It's as if your story comments on the actual events. But, I've got no idea how to do this, and maybe it would overload the plot.

And feel free to ignore my comments, if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

I enjoyed the story very much, and wish you good luck with it in the contest! *Smile*

Anne
40
40
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm reviewing this for a challenge in the last Contests/Activities Newsletter.

I found this contest going over the public reviews page. I don't remember having seen it plugged into the contest activity page, though I check it fairly regularly.

I read the review for the fortune-cookie c-note shop, and the review itself was the best advertising for your contest I can think of. By focusing on the mechanics, presentation, the originality of the activity, you offer constructive criticism that really matters. I love the idea of a contest that looks on the quality of message forums, it's quality control with an incentive. And a ribbon or a merit badge will help to advertise the activity further.

I went through the judging guidelines as well, and found them clear and easy to follow. The same applies to the instructions for entering. The monthly rounds are easy to follow. One round is closed, the next is starting. Can anything go wrong with that?

Good luck with the contest and best wishes,

Anne
41
41
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is perfect. The advice is good and profound, the idea of the unifying theme charming. It's so much easier to remember the pit-falls of syntax in the terms of an amusement park than in the cold and unemotional language of grammarians.

I'll keep this piece as a favorite, it's fantastic help for editing!

Anne
42
42
Review of Blue M&M  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,
This is a very good story. I like the way you deal out the information, slowly and step by step.
I was already half-way through the story, when I realized, that the first scene showed the planning of the second murder!
I liked the end, too. The pill/M&M simile works out neatly, and it's a good anti-climax.
My favorite line is the one about the fly buzzing over the dead daughter's head. That is a strong image. I rather thought of a vulture than a buzzard, though.
As I said, the story is very good. It does the trick. Builds up suspense, keeps it and twists at the end.
Well done.
Now, allow me a few critical words:
Maybe you could clarify the character's a little further. I don't understand, why the detectives bother him so much, if they don't suspect anything, and if they do, why do they leave him alone, when he asks them.
In the same way, I don't understand Jill's behaviour. She seems more concerned than controlling, what does she suspect?
Finally, there is John. I think him rather cold, when he visits his dead daughter for the second time, but the scene has a lot of emotional potential. Think of the horror of the change in her body from angelic to ugly. Why doesen't he react more strongly?
One word about language: You sometimes use modifiers like "a little" or "a bit". One sentence springs to mind. John watches his daughter drink her tea, and is "suddenly...a bit said". Admittedly, these modifiers are one of my pet peeves, but I find, they weaken every sentence.
Still, remember, I liked yoour story.
Good writing!
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