*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rig0rm0rtis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
175 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will tell you what I liked and didn't like. My reviews may be blunt but never harsh, I can always see the passion and work you put in. My job is to help polish anything I see :)
I'm good at...
Descriptions, world building, poetry, perhaps plot structure? I'll point out anything that bothers me or sounds a little off. My style is about making writing and poetry flow and sound as natural as possible.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Mystery, Sci-Fi, Poetry and anything Gothic.
Least Favorite Genres
I don't have any least favorites because if it's well written you can make a believer out of me. Except Romance. *blech*
Favorite Item Types
Anything and everythaaaang
Least Favorite Item Types
Hm. I'll get back to you on this.
I will not review...
There is nothing I won't review, but I'm sure time will change that haha.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 ... Next
26
26
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello there Dave!

Thanks for being so patient with me, I'm sorry for making you wait so long for this review. Let's get started, shall we?

I found it interesting that you envisioned the movie Psycho while staring at the prompt. It really is quite similar to that classic scene with Janet Leigh screaming in the shower.

The shrill soundtrack was playing in my mind as I read your well-crafted sentences. I appreciate how you spared no grisly details when describing the fate of the unfortunate women that fall into Norman's clutches.

Some of your lines were fantastic! I loved these especially :)

"...and runs down drain
in gurgling vortex,
which matches the sounds
coming from her throat."

Deliciously twisted! As a lover of horror, you've really appealed to my insatiable bloodlust. *Devilish*

What I would have liked to see would be a little more about Norman, why does he hunger so? And not even a mention about his mother! For shame *Wink*

Once again, you provided an excellent 'Word Picture' for my reading pleasure. Thank you for entering this contest so often! It's always a treat to seeing what you come up with.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review of Screams  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello David!

Sorry for the wait, I've had my hands quite full as of late. Onward to the review *BigSmile*

With this entry, you imagined the screaming mouth pleading for someone to help. But nobody answers that forlorn cry, leaving the unfortunate soul alone in the darkness.

The lines you chose bleed with desperation. I could feel the crushing hopelessness as the narrator realizes nobody will come to their aid. Great use of the prompt! This piece complemented the painting quite nicely.

My favorite line would have to be this one:

"I scream to you, looking with hope for the answer."

What answer is that poor wretch so desperate to hear, I wonder? Some soothing words or the reason behind their suffering? Perhaps they are just looking for a response, an acknowledge that there is someone else in the void.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. What I didn't like was how short it was and how it left many of my questions unanswered. I would have liked to see more lines hinting at their current fate and/or who they were speaking to. This was a great poem but I wanted more!

It's possible I'm being greedy *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing your dark vision, I hope to see more of your work soon *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "April 1, 2019
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there ridinghhood--p. boutilier ! Apologies for not sending this out sooner, I hoped to finish in time but life tends to have designs of its own.

Onto your review!

Oh how I missed reading your tarot-inspired writings, they are always interesting and varied in subject. This one did not disappoint in the slightest *Bigsmile*

Drawing from the tale of Baba Yaga, you viewed the angry prompt as the witch herself screaming among the trees. I could feel the malevolence through your lines, hissing threats to any that might oppose Baba Yaga or her sisters.

The image of that twisted crone chewing on organs with metal teeth made my skin crawl. In a good way, of course. *Wink* As a lover of horror, this poem was one of pure delight. Naturally it is no surprise that my favorite lines are the grisliest ones!

"With my mortar and pestle
I will grind the bones
of lying leaders
and chew their entrails
in my iron teeth."

Beware the anger of Baba Yaga... I certainly wouldn't want to get on her bad side!

My only issue with this great piece is the ending. I wasn't sure if the witches were turning their backs "just 'cause" or if they punished all who didn't serve a 'just cause". This is obviously an easy fix, just be careful to make things clear for your readers :)

Thank you for drawing a card and sharing your creation! I hope the next reading foretells great fortune for you and your loved ones.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of Tears  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there K.HBey ! Apologies for not sending this out sooner, I hoped to finish in time but life tends to have designs of its own.

Onto your review!

From the very start, you painted rich descriptions and used emotional language to convey how the weeping woman feels. I found myself surprised at how potent those words were, imagining the warm tears spilling out into an unforgiving world.

"The sun will not rise in your sky,
The moon will not light your night."

These lines were so impactful! In fact, they are also a great example of how depression makes someone feel trapped and worthless to everyone else. They view their existence as inconsequential, no sun would bother to rise for a person like them.

You did great in capturing the emotion of anguish with your entry :)

If I had to make any recommendations, it would be to create a stronger ending. While your closing lines are thought-provoking, they are a little too vague in subject and left me feeling a little unsatisfied.

I would also add punctuation in the second to last line: (No human remains no kindness lasts)

Aside from that, I enjoyed reading your free verse poem. *Bigsmile* I hope you continue to sharpen your pencil and write more soon. Thank you for sharing your talent with the rest of us!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello there, Mastiff!

I enjoyed reading your entry, musing over the tough questions you've asked your readers. Nobody knows for sure what will happen when the chips are finally down, occasionally we surprise ourselves with our actions. People are capable of change, whether they choose to or not.

As you say: 'Depends on the day
And depends on the people
If you go out with love or not'

Great lines :) These were my favorite! But while I enjoyed reading your poem, it didn't match with the prompts used and thus wasn't eligible for a prize. I also felt it was a bit too short, a few more lines can never hurt!

Thank you for sharing your work, I hope to see more of your lyrical talent in the future *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of Tea for Three.  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Laurie! Ready for your review?

Choosing to write from the animals' point of view was an inventive spin on the prompt. The possessive way you describe the two women 'invading' the feeding grounds and the manner which they laid out the 'strange water' really added to the feeling that we were witnessing strangers acting in a mysterious way.

I often wonder how animals view our comings and goings. Do they understand our curious rituals? Perhaps they accept us as an eccentric species with odd inventions.

Some of your lines were excellent in giving a unique perspective: "...tasty and heated, like sun-scorched." This was an interesting way to imagine how tea tastes to a four-legged creature.

My only issues with this piece is that I would have liked to see a little more about how the animals viewed their invaders.

Other than that, thank you for sharing this imaginative poem about tea for three. I enjoyed this flight of fancy immensely, well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review of The lovers  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there, K.HBey

Ready for your review? Let's dig in *Shovel*

Taking my prompt of two people clinging to one another, you envisioned a tree with two intertwining trunks. I really liked the tone you used in this work, it felt dismal and heart-warming all at once.

These lines were my favorite!

Shaken by the years,
Find shelter in each other.


While I enjoyed this poem, it could have been a bit longer. I liked your descriptions but ended up wanting more!

Short and sweet, I found your entry did a fantastic job capturing the prompt. Great job :)

Thank you for sharing your talent, I hope to read more from you soon *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
for entry "Chapter 4
Review by Ray Scrivener
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
My my, it seems you have quite a few characters planned for this story! I had some trouble differentiating between the new faces but you helped my confusion by describing each of the characters.

The Alternean (lizard-men, right?) castle was described very well, I had no trouble picturing the massive fortress in my mind. It seems most of the magical races are capable of shape-shifting, do they look human or is there a tell-tale sign they are from another race?

The dragon king/queen were revealed to be the leaders of the Alternean army, having sent their daughter on a training mission to help her tactical skills.

Debra comes across as a curious character, royalty and part-dragon to boot! I look forward to seeing more of her in coming chapters.

Speaking of new characters...

I'm wondering what the future has in store for Celta and the other Dalmecian soldiers. Are they on the bad side or just helpless pawns in the overall scheme of things?

In fact, who is in the wrong here? It's hard to know who to root for aside from Drake. You mention the Alterneans being traitors so maybe there's more to that.

You helped clear up some of the mystery by revealing Drake and the other quarry workers were being punished for the death of a queen. That sounds like an interesting bit of history!

I also loved how you clarified how magic works. Now I understand the title! Making verses one use per day is a great idea, it forces the user to think carefully about using magic in a fight.

This chapter ends with a cliff-hanger, Drake will be forced to use all of his knowledge to fight a massive golem. I wonder how this will play out?

If I had to make any recommendations/point out issues, it would be to make the action sequences a little more straightforward. Shorter sentences and breaking up the paragraphs would help the pacing.

You have a great imagination and so far the story seems to be getting even richer and more complex. I look forward to the next installment :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review by Ray Scrivener
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once again you prove yourself to be a master poet!

Your rhyme scheme is consistent and pleasing, none of the words sound forced or awkward. This can be difficult to do, making natural sounding rhymes are something I struggle with!

Let's talk about the lines themselves.

Each of your verses flow smoothly into the next one. You've done a great job with the meter as well, giving the poem a nice brisk pace. Not many people understand the importance of this aspect but you clearly do.

Now about the subject matter...

I found this to be an interesting examination of how society shifts its focus through the years. We all lament the passing of time and how our golden age has long faded.

The way you ended this was a bit of a surprise to me. I expected something a touch more poignant or profound but you chose to remark how we must change with the times.

You certainly aren't wrong! The age of following your dreams has long passed. Instead of going to school for art or music, we must "update" our dreams and look for a lucrative career instead of developing our passions.

Is it changing with the times or are we selling out because everyone else does the same? Who can say for sure?

Thank you for flexing your lyrical muscles, ya show off *Wink* Keep up the great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of Francerous  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Laurie!

Ready for your review? *Bigsmile* Let's dig in!

Opening with a dramatic scene, you wasted no time using expressive language to set an mournful tone. The 'tumors of humanity', souls doomed to wander the barren earth lament their fate and the outcome of the world.

What a bleak state the earth is in. Ashen skies and nothing but machines managed to survive. Was it the folly of man who brought about the apocalypse? You don't say who's fault it was, only commenting on the aftermath.

Normally I would advise against repetition but it worked very well here for the most part.

"We have no body, we are nobody."

This was an interesting idea, great use of a double meaning! But elsewhere, repeating words can feel a little stale if overdone.

You used this idea again near the end, it was good but felt a little tired the second time around. I would also remove the second bell-tower line.

That aside, I want to point out some of the best lines I enjoyed!

"Damaged minds do wander wastelands,
Eternally wondering, familiar facades..."

"Machines, not metal, an ashen birth,
Artificial vibrations drove scenery to ruin..."

Excellent imagery, I really enjoyed this story of a wandering soul.

Thank you for sharing your nightmarish vision, I hope you continue to hone your skill :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed the insidious tone this poem has. Much like the incessant voices torturing the narrator, your sibilant descriptions hiss as they burrow into my head. (In a good way, of course)

You've taken an interesting route with this prompt, imagining that those numerous heads adorning the mysterious woman are each whispering to her. Truly a terrifying idea!

These lines were amazing:

... their song echoes in dulcet tones,
each verse inviting me into their
obsidian depths...


Hauntingly exquisite, much like the rest of this work.

I liked how you mention being possessed by a dark thought so powerful it spilled out onto the blank page. Occasionally I am forced to pour out ideas of my own, feeling as if someone else is taking control of my fingers as I type!

Instead of ending on a lighter note, you opted to take a bleaker tone. This was a good decision, especially considering the subject material! One can never truly escape from personal demons, either you confront them or fall prey to their cunning lies.

It seems the dark poet isn't free of those spirits just yet.

I have no criticisms or suggestions for improvement. Thank you for joining this contest once again. You certainly worked hard for this win! *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review of "Tit-for-Tat"  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really liked the clever wordplay you used with the title of this story. The plot was very entertaining and original. I've heard of 'boob envy' before but someone casting spells to steal a rival's cup size is certainly a first!

The idea of swapping body parts is an interesting one, almost like creating a Frankenstein monster but less gruesome. What's next for Sia, stealing someone's bubble butt? *Laugh*

My only criticism is that you didn't show the ritual Sia used! I know this was most likely because of the strict word limit, so I understand completely.

Great job on the SCREAMS victory, I hope you'll stop by more often *Wink*

Maybe we will be rivals there, just don't go stealing anything of mine haha.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
for entry "Chapter 2
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there again!

To make up for my forgetfulness, I'm giving this review free of charge *Bigsmile* Very sorry about that, I hope this makes up for my negligence.

On to the review!

Drake manages to escape the murderous Dalmecian soldiers and sets off on his journey to find the fabled land of Estoria. Fane, the guardian wolf creature is a welcome addition. I see that he will not only give Drake powers, but he will serve as a guide on the treacherous road.

I wonder what sort of relationship they will have, is it a master/servant contract or a bond of mutual respect? The powers of the sun sound interesting! How does magic work in this world? It's always good to set out some unbreakable rules, even if just for your reference.

As for Arborall, his rage at having lost Drake sets him up to be an excellent villain. Especially having lost an arm! Revenge is certainly the only thing on his mind. Another good addition is Darkall, the head honcho of the Dalmecian army. He seems to possess a charismatic evil, always a great trait for bad guys to have!

I like the idea of Aborall being a werepanther, are there any other powers up his furry sleeve? Also, why wouldn't the soldiers know about his ability? They took off running, something he would have killed them for.


My only major issues with this chapter came with the action sequence at the end. Not only did Arborall find Drake far too quickly, but he was killed off as well!

I feel like you missed out on the change to play a game of cat and mouse as Drake races to find Estoria before his nemesis finds him!

Obviously this is your story, take what I say with a grain of salt. But I would recommend using this chapter to build on the world and give Drake a chance to practice his powers. Maybe let Arborall recover a bit before launching his search party.

Other than that, I found this to be another great entry in a promising fantasy story! I look forward to your next chapter. :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there, Dave! Now that the hangover has worn off from yesterday's festivities, let's dig into your review *Bigsmile*

The first thing I would like to mention are your imaginative similes. A clever meld of technology and fantasy lead to wondrous lines like this one:

'...where words become ballistic thrusters,
boosting us
beyond the bounds of reason’s gravity'


From the very start, this poem straps the reader into a verbal shuttle as you blast off on an epic journey!

This works on so many levels, describing the struggles of writers as they steer literary spaceships to unknown planets. I loved you compared words to rocket fuel and the universe as imagination.

It's impossible to single out a verse as my favorite because they are all so excellent! The closing lines were well chosen and ended on an insightful note.

Discovering new things is always a treat, I'm glad that I was able to learn something new on the good ship Fantasy. Thank you for sharing this masterpiece with us!

This was far better than I could have hoped, thank you for taking my prompt and running with it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again :)

This is my second portfolio review, since I made you wait so long I decided to read another one of your stories!

This one was delightful. You can certainly write dialogue, I liked the heated banter between Zelda and Scott. A romantic outing soon turns into a chance for revenge as Scott reveals that he had the upper hand all along.

My only complaint with this tale is that the ending was a little too vague. I'm sure you were limited to a strict word count, but there needed to be a little explanation. Maybe a mention of Zelda's screams?

Other than that I thought this piece was great! :) Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've managed to create an ominous tone in so few words, descriptions of the howling wind and a sinister finger add to the dark atmosphere.

Poor Sandy, I'm sure she would have rather ran home not knowing what that thing was trying to tell.

Maybe the secret was that it was hungry? I was left wondering what on earth that amorphous shape could be. It has some interesting powers, to be sure!

Thank you for sharing this twisted tale, I enjoy a good ghost story.

If I had to make any recommendations, it would be to avoid using the same words in following sentences.

"She ignored the sound, dismissing it as the wind, wrapped her shawl tighter around her neck and trudged onward into the howling wind."

You say wind twice here, for example.

Repetition is an easy fix, just take a look at the old thesaurus *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
42
42
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again Dave :)

I'm here to tell you that as a lover of horror, this poem was one that I thoroughly enjoyed! The ghoulish descriptions of the demonic creatures were a delight to read. This was a very hard entry to pass over.

I never expected you to take my prompt and go a darker route with it. Some of your lines were excellent pieces of dark prose.

'among the tangled vines of ancient blasphemies' was definitely my favorite!

The only room for improvement I can think of would be to cut down on some filler words, like 'the' and whatnot.

Thank you for sharing your gothic poem of forbidden rituals, it's always a pleasure reading your work. I look forward to your next entry!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
for entry "🏆 Pantheon
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there Ken, sorry to make you wait for this review.

Let's dig into your excellent entry *Bigsmile*

Now you came out of the gate here very strong and kept that momentum right through to the end! Right from the start I was enraptured by your descriptions, carrying my interest throughout the entire piece.

If I had to pick my favorite verse, it would be the first one by far. Such a great hook!

The staggered lines are visually appealing, an intriguing design choice to be sure. Your message was curious as well, were you making a self-depreciating joke or were your intentions a little more philosophical? Either way, I found 'Pantheon' to be an exceptional poem.

If I had to mark any areas for improvement, I would suggest avoiding repetition. Sometimes it's a useful design choice but it can be a little jarring. Other than that I can't find anything else, you have a strong grasp of poetry and a good lyrical style. Great job!

Thank you for sharing your talent! I hope to read more of your work soon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
44
44
Review of Yield  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (5.0)
Like the beckoning doorway, you entice the reader with engaging style and enchanting visuals. I enjoyed the philosophical musings as you wander those forgotten ruins.

We often wonder about those who came before us. What dreams did they have, what worries crossed their minds? Everyone likes to think that they are unique, but we are all more similar than we realize.

After all, our actions have no more significance than a wave upon the sand, doomed to be washed away by the next pull of the ocean. But there is still hope, a flame in the darkness.

Your closing lines are powerful, comparing the determination of humanity to a tiny spark. Capable of growing into a raging fire but still prisoner to the ravages of time.

This was a sobering foray into existentialism that I enjoyed immensely. Great job on the win :)

A slight thing to nitpick, I would remove the apostrophe in the line 'of it's former imposing splendour'

Other than that, congratulations on a flawless entry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 28, 2019
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Truth rings within your words, a sobering sound that we all must face.

There really is no time to decide whether climate change is real, for it stares us in the face as we hide within our cozy nests.

It is sad that the average person cares more about their current well-being than the looming future.

But enough about this, I could ramble on forever!

While a little too short, your poem was very interesting :)

I've never heard pine trees referred to pinons before, then again I am a city boy so pardon my ignorance.

Your closing line was equally fantastic and eye-opening. Drastic change comes with sacrifice. Hopefully we can all agree to save the world, for united we stand and divided we fall.

Thank you for sharing your insight and the wisdom of the Crone.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
46
46
for entry "Therapy
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Sorry for the belated review!

I enjoyed the way you personified the ancient oaks, your descriptions are cheerfully pleasant.

It was easy to imagine the old trees complaining that their trunks were aching, until a warm rain soothes their tender branches.

This poem was quite fun to read! My only complaint was that it was too short, I wish there was one more stanza to soak in the details.

Thank you for your entry, Dave. It's always a joy to read your work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
47
47
Review of The Glass Tree  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (5.0)
Like a crystal sculpture, this poem is a sparkling masterpiece! I could not find one wasted word nor any dissonance within your meticulously crafted lines.

If I had to describe this in one sentence, it would be: 'All killer, no filler!'

Honestly, the only thing I could find (and I was really looking) was that you have no punctuation to end any verses. Even that doesn't seem to hold up because the lines flow so smoothly.

Let's dig into this work.

The opening is very strong, in fact I think it is my favorite part!

'Glass tree's postured arc
A menagerie unto itself
With glistening beads of crystal
Yearning for the sunshine'

Sumptuous images had me savoring each stylized word. The vocabulary used is evocative and impassioned. I found myself reading it over again, wanting to stay in this exquisite world you've created.

Some of your lines gave me pause, such as when you chose to describe the tree frozen in time as being 'in suspended pause of thaw'.

I doubt I could match the level of your prose!

Thank you for showing the rest of us how it's done. Your work is always a pleasure to read. *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
48
48
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This feels like a set up to me.

Unless she has a history of violence, why would Ellie suddenly become a murderer? I'm thinking that someone framed her, after all it would be the perfect crime!

Another interesting premise, you sure know how to create an excellent hook!

All you have to do now is slowly reel us in *Laugh*
49
49
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First off, I love this fantastic world you've created. It feels the beginning of an epic fantasy, I can tell you have quite a few things planned for Drake. The magic system is interesting, if a little awkward. Spelling a whole word seems like it would take some time, maybe a glyph or symbol would be faster?

I love the warring nations as well, the lizard Altereans and the roman-esque Dalmecians have a lot of potential. What are they mining for, I wonder? Precious metals or something more sinister?

And the strange power his grandmother had was intriguing as well, it seems that everyone gives her free reign and doesn't question her comings and goings. Why is that?

As for the oppression, I was wondering why the soldiers treated the workers with such disdain. Are they slaves from another race or citizens of a tyrannical empire? Why is the ruler so cruel to his people? I know this is just the first chapter but a little more background to the setting never hurts!

Let's talk about tenses. You use the present tense throughout the entire story, making it a little confusing and hard to tell what is going on. Especially when a lot of action is involved.

I edited the opening paragraph as an example.

The cruel sun assaulted the quarry, hot yellow arms scorching the dozens of dissidents grunting and huffing within. Sounds of clanking pick axes and scraping shovels bounced off the concrete walls. The lingering odor of hot musk and dry soil permeated the air while loose gravel crunched beneath the armor of Dalmecian soldiers.

They stood atop the concrete walls, black and white armor glistening under the harsh sunlight as metallic crossbows peered down into the quarry. With the threat of piercing arrows looming above, the disheveled drones silently worked to meet their impossible quotas.

(See what I did here? I trimmed out some of the fluff and changed the verb tenses.)

You have a great eye for detail, but sometimes less is more. Try to write as if each word counts, don't jam in too much. The story drops to a crawl when there is too much information. Again, this isn't a bad thing. You can always go back and edit, no worries.

In terms of story telling, the present tense is tricky to use in third person.

Plot wise, I love where the story is going. Drake is about to go on the adventure of a lifetime and I look forward to reading more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
50
50
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (5.0)
A great way to have some fun while supporting good cause! I couldn't help but to send a few of these to some friends that need to get whacked by a digital snowball. *Laugh*

At first I was a little disappointed by the selection, but I realized there was a whole other page dedicated to spreading wintry cheer as well.

So I take back my initial impressions and place a high recommendation on this page!

Thanks for creating an amusing diversion for us :)

85 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rig0rm0rtis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/2