Hello Blank Page ,
Thank you for entrusting me with your writing. My review is affiliated with "Invalid Item" . I feel this poem deserves attention and wanted to offer some insight, since we've had little time lately to discuss the finer points of poetry and its analysis.
With "Just a Poem " , you have a tight construct that delivers a clear exposition. It's smart with the setup and use of its central theme about time. All of this leads to a proper summation, including a moral. Making it short and sweet with these tight lines help punctuate the final thought. This is a gifted offering for a beginner.
I don't see this poem as something you edit or improve on. This poem is a stepping stone for other writes to come. Its wisdom cannot be altered or refreshed. My belief is that we might write the same poem for the rest of our life with 100 different approaches. A unique voice is defined as we hone our craft. This is just one layer of who you are as a poet. Keep writing, keep creating new layers. You are developing a textile for the masses each time your muses spill a little more ink on the page.
What I'm impressed with is your handle on language. It's not easy to construct words that flow intelligently, play with one another. It's difficult to do this and create a concrete message easy to consume, easily understood. But, on the flipside, this is poetry. Poets prefer not to tell but show. So, let's talk about that.
Poems rely on imagery to depict. In radio, we called it writing with 'picture words,' because our audience needed to visualize what we were reporting. Time is not easily shown. But, when you pen your next poem, something like time can be constructed using words like clock, calendar, or seasons from fall to spring. These words could work best as expressions, verbs especially. His poem clocked like a metronome.
Let's look at your poem in sections:
Time never ceases,
Halting for no man.
Grammatically sound, you can flip the two parts and still have a perfect thought. Your subject is immediately introduced and offers an aphorism. Already a great start!
Even now, it moves ever onward,
Not pausing once for friend or foe.
End - of time, that is - is nowhere in sight.
Not for us mortals, at least.
Advanced use of indentation on second line allows pause but also showing that movement after 'onward.' Bet you didn't catch that one. These lines add another aphorism about time. It uses the time honored 'friend or foe.' Not cliche, bordering the overused; yet used properly, it fits.
Then, the hyphens! Yes, I say. You push the words apart. This does show. Punctuation can show! Last line in this section might be weakest in poem. It's a fragment, but perhaps a comma at end of the preceding line will fix. If worried about too much punctuation, my belief is it's acceptable to remove comma before 'at least.'
Don't waste what little time you have.
It's the only time you'll get.
The last and punctuating aphorism here. It's also what's known in the ad industry as a 'call to action.' Very true, in this case. I think adding the indentation on last line does more for symmetry than affect inflection.
There are many poetic devices you could use to show through your narration. Personification or symbolism could give depth, if pots and tea kettles could talk. A grandfather clock? But, another day...time.
It's more than a little ditty penned. It's more than 'Just A Poem.' So, if you change anything...maybe re-title? It's a wise, sensible and poignant discourse. It's the first step for a poet heading in the right direction.
This writing thing is going to challenge. There may be something that begs you lay down your pen. Keep your head up; soldier on when it gets tough. Poetry has many bad days. Take time to discover; take time to rest your weary mind. But, always come back and write.
I'll be here as long as you need me,
Brian K Compton
24K Luminous Reviewer
Invalid Photo #1053018
"Explaining Poetry to my son"