|Dear Elaine Pitts ,
Sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you with your request for further review. On reading Bonnie and Clyde, I could see some possible revisions, if you are aiming to improve this. The most important part of a poem is the open, getting readers hooked. People will tune out real fast just based on subject. But, if you intrigue them, you might have them around longer. Looking at the introduction to your poem, I made two alterations to show you how you might start this out differently:
A story of intrigue and mystery,
of two that were one,
A story to go down in history,
of two hearts and a gun.
I think the open is key to your poem. What you want to avoid is the repeated 'A story' for all four lines. Either it's too much to read over and over, or visually might be seen as landlocked text. I find a way to trim and get a rhythm for the read is just eliminate two introductions and make two complete statements in the first four lines.
Two renegades just-a-running, (runnin' ??)
Taking life day by day,
Looking into the eyes of the other
Hoping for another way. (might be a weak expression)
Here you have a verse that is trying to get that old-timey feel for narration with 'just a running'. I felt a Steve Miller song coming on, you know the one. It's similar. I don't know much about Bonnie and Clyde. What I remember is a picture book of them posed by their getaway car with guns. Another, of them shot dead. They let kids like me look at pictures like that. I think they were Time-Life books. Different times.
Wishing their love could have been normal,
With children and houses to live,
But this would not be their future,
Only destruction to society to give.
This could be a book cover teasing the reader about their life, what they would get up to. It's very broad in that scope. For a poem, sometimes, maybe focus on one particular thing that you could illuminate. I'm just wondering what made them do it? Did they kill people other than cops to get money? Were they celebrated for some reason, because I seem to recall that? This poem essentially reads as an overview, which can be good.
Texas could not hold them,
For their love and their passion's to wild, (too)
But away from the lights and the sirens,
You could see a hint of a child.
In the eyes that had seen so much hatred,
In the arms that embraced each night through,
Not knowing if tonight would be the last one,
To ensure that their love was known to be true.
This is like trying to imagine what it felt like to be them. I think getting into more of this would be good for the poem. Something specific to them to focus on.
Stealing a laugh or a tussle,
Hoping the coast would be clear,
Dreaming of free love in a bustle,
Holding their dreams so dear.
What were their dreams, exactly? How long did they think they could get away with this? There could be some foreboding here. Maybe, there's some readers with no knowledge of the couple. A chance to spin a bit with your narrative.
Tightly, passionately they loved the other,
Not taking one kiss for not, (naught?)
Caressing and holding and loving,
For what little time before they would be shot.
I liked this part. The idea of their love before they were shot, in the rhyming fashion.
Bonnie and Clyde were lovers,
Through toil and trials became friends,
Destined to be entwined together,
Until the bitter end.
I don't think it's a bad poem. When I read it, I feel it lacks detail. Even a poem needs setting, maybe a sequence of events when you are essentially trying to cover the whole Bonnie And Clyde thing, their motivations and love for each other mostly. But, they had fans, I think. Hollywood glorified them and it spawned all kinds of fiction from the written to film and tv.
But, what I'm thinking is, this needs to be more focused somehow. What was the last bank they robbed? What were some signs their demise was near? You encapsulate it pretty well. I just wonder, for a poem, if you can key on something like a slip up, or how robbing banks was some kind of high that they passionately enjoyed together that the got careless and wound up dead. It's not necessary though, just me wondering in feedback how it might be better.
Personally, I wouldn't change this. I'd work on another, if it inspires, after a little more research or applying untapped knowledge. Incorporate parts of this that fit thematically with a poem that focuses on their last days, for instance. You could use their last hours as sort of a recap of their love for each, bank robbing, a sort of life flashing before their eyes before they are caught and fatally shot.
That's just an idea. There's good stuff here. Whatever you chose to do, keep writing. It always helps me to keep thinking about a subject, or just to keep penning words. That's why I review. It helps me think about dissecting and revising and editing, all the things that make a good poem or story.
Sorry for the delay and that I couldn't be of more help with this one.