This is a fantastic article and while I already knew most of the vital points I enjoyed reading your outlook and reasoning. You express your points clearly and with a wonderful asthetics that encouraged me to continue reading. I also enjoyed your strong, friendly voice.
Suggestions:
None!
My Favorite Part:
I found your Six Key Characteristics For Reviews the most interesting and unique part of your article. I've read others online (some of which you included as links for further reading) and they mention some of these aspects and a great deal more about the things you commented on outside of these six points. The way you presented the six points and explained their importance made an interesting and educational read.
Overall:
Wonderful work and yet another brilliant WDC guide. I'm surprised I haven't come across this sooner and think it would be fantastic if more people would review with these aspects in mind. WDC makes so many efforts to encouraged balanced reviews and I know I particularly love getting detailed well rounded reviews myself. One of the things I find most frustrating is getting rave reviews when I know something isn't working but can't put my finger on what it is. lol
Anyway, thank you so much for putting together such a helpful peice.
This peice holds a great deal of heartfelt emotion and some creative imagery that draws out the expressions. I love the way you focused on the little details to encompass something expansive.
You've got a great selection of descriptive words that create a wonderful measure of senses and help define the longing expressed in this poem.
Suggestions:
I can't find anything to recommend changing in this peice. I did feel that some aspects were perhaps too abstract but for some reason that really works here. It leaves a great deal open to a readers interpretation which gives each reader their own unique perspective. I imagine that each reader would find something completely different and meant only for themselves when reading this.
My Favorite Part:
It's hard to pick a favorite part explicitly. I love the internal rhyme and you've made masterful use of enjambement that connects multiple images in a single train of thought.
I suppose if I had to pick I'd go with the three aspects of time and your portrayal of the longing in such an age. Three lifetimes of planets
four spans of the universe's collapse
five moments of tears for those years.
Stunning!
Overall:
I really enjoyed reading this. It feels heartfelt and it makes me wonder who Zmitri is and of a love that's all encompassing as this love is. There is a depth in this that makes me want to look beyond the obvious. I feel like this could be an afterlife calling, twin souls that reach across eternity to meet. *sighs* I guess I'm a true romantic at heart. Wouldn't it be paradise to find a love like that?
Wow, it's kind of interesting reading fan fic about a show I watch regularly. Seeing how you twist the characters slightly and really create something different from the basic concept. I'm trying to remember if I've seen Booth and Bones talk about children. I'm pretty sure they've covered it but I don't think the scene could have happened like that since they are very deliberate not to act on any sort of attraction that might be there. (At least so far in where Australia is up to with the series. Other countries might be seeing into the future. )
Suggestions:
One thing that gave me pause was her acceptance to the idea of step-children. I mean in her position, with her intelligence, her reasons for not wanting children would be solid and reasonable. Those reasons I expect would incorporate ALL children in her life not just her biological offspring. The only significant factors that would really give a woman pause to the idea of having her own children would be medical. I had the impression this particular womans objected extended into lifestyle factors and those wouldn't differ if she married into children, adopted, or whatever.
Of course we don't get enough information from this scene to conclude anything about this version of Booth and Bones.
I just wanted to mention that I've always been wary of fan fiction since there are degrees of copyright infringement. Character names etc. even the scene has a very familiar sense about it.
My Favorite Part:
Setting the scene.
You did an excellent job with the first paragraph of setting the scene. It's not really hooking but then this scene feels like it's in the midst of a bigger story so perhaps there is a hook prior this. Your opening paragraph however brought together a solid image of the location and gave some vital impressions about your main characters. Brilliantly done.
Overall:
You have written an enjoyable peice with a great layout and easily read grammar and punctuation. You've obviously put a lot of time into writing this well. I really enjoyed reading. I love "Bones" too, it's a great program.
*chuckles* You know, heart-worming really is a good way to introduce this. *grins* Poor Thomas, *sighs* intelligence is not a trait redeamable for a turkey. Especially, when not accompanied by wisdom.
You've created a delightful flash fiction Robert. Perfect for the Thanksgiving holiday's. Enjoy your own turkey. I hope you'll introduce it to your family as Thomas.
This is a fantastic forum that focuses on some important issues that writers face and opens a line of communication between people who put their writing as a high priority in their lives. I think it's wonderful this opportunity you offer all the writers of WDC, Liam. Thank you so very much.
This I/O is a great idea. It's fun to be creative predicting doom, gloom and the mundane in fortune cookies. *chuckles* It's also challenging to think up something that is interesting, unique, and still depressing.
I remember emotions like these from a few years ago when I was younger. At 15 I reached a point when I started wondering what it was all about and why we bothered at all. Sometimes the world was a particularly scary place.
Suggestions:
I recommend checking your spelling. There are a number of spelling errors. Such simple errors detract from poetry and presentation so it's important to offer your very best when allowing others to read your work.
Line 3, 5, and 10 all have spelling errors.
You might also want to consider adding some punctuation. While having zero punctuation can be acceptable in poetry I've always felt poetry benefits from being correctly puncutated and in this case I think your poem would be better expressed if you took the time to add appropriate puncuatation.
My Favorite Part:
I really loved: no God to believe in
a church with no steeple
This is a great visual and powerful statement that really drives home the chaos of a reality apart from our own. There are actually churches that don't have steeples but connecting it with the lack of a God makes it clear that this is more than simply a steepleless church.
Overall:
I think you've got the basis for what could become a remarkable poem. I think if you really dig into the emotion this poem sprouts from and try to capture it with the full intensity of the way you feel you could draw it even further out. Think of some more strong visuals that connect to the way you feel.
Using poetry to express your emotions is a wonderful tool for drawing out the pain. I think you've started a great journey and I look forward to watching your poetic gifts grow as you write more and more poetry.
I loved the meter you've maintained through this poem. It gives it a heartbeat. The was youv'e repeated some of the words, "pigeons", "story", "knights" is actually intriguing, it kind of gives each stanza it's place amongst the others. Normally the repeatition would be something that causes a snag in a poem but in this one it works very well.
Suggestions:
A bit of Yodaism going on. The stories a plenty, we all do share;
Parents do call, then you hurry off too,
Here you've got some of your structure twisted, I suspect to try and get the rhyme in the right place. In modern poetry this is discouraged. Poetry dance off the tongue as easily as we speak or sing and twisting the structure like this can twist the tongue as well. Only Yoda can get away with that.
I actually felt the line order of the last stanza was round the wrong way. I'd be inclined to try it: For this knight's tale is ending I fear,
Passing along my legacy to you.
I share my story, with the pigeons here
all cooing with pleasure as they sit near.
Or even perhaps: For this knight's tale is ending I fear
as I pass along my legacy to you.
I share my story with the pigeons here,
all cooing with pleasure as they sit near.
Anyway, play around with it and see what you think.
My Favorite Part:
My favorite line has to be, "All cooing with pleasure, as they sit near." This brings a lovely serene image of the pigeons to mind. An aged person on a bench feeding pigeons who are happy pecking the bread crumbs and listening to the tales of an old woman (or man). In fact it reminds me of, "Feed the Birds, Tuppence a Bag". *chuckles* from Mary Poppins.
Overall:
This is really a lovely tale. It's delightfully written and I enjoyed it very much. I'd suggest being careful with your line orders and don't try so hard to force a rhyme into place. Let the language come as it comes and if you find yourself twisting your structure rethink the line entirely. You can really make this work brilliantly Whome. Great work and I hope you enjoyed the challenge.
I loved the strong, dominant words you've used and the creative, visual rhymes. You state with force the message of this poem with clear determination and strong imagery.
Suggestions:
I noticed you've got this set into four line stanza's and I understand why that might have been important with the given rhyme scheme however the break between line four and five make the statement disjointed when it reads as if it is all part of a single thought.
I'd be inclined to either take out the spacing so that it's all one block instead of three stanza's. You could also if you prefer have a 5, 3, 4 line poem however this is far less common and possibly even more distracting.
I also felt that after the sharp imagery and bold words and statements in the first two stanza's the third seemed to let down. The final stanza felt the weakest of the three and in a poem like this you need to end on a solid thought. If you think of it visually you come up shouting your message from the rooftops and then towards the end you become more timid, perhaps becoming concerned that people might disagree with you. With this kind of statement it's important to go on full force, be heard. Hope that makes sense, have a read and see if you can see what I mean.
My Favorite Part:
"And clears freedom's foundation
Of the debris of terror's revelation."
I love this part the most. You have alliteration in the freedom's foundation and also freedom's, terror. Also, the mixture of stresses is well balanced. Very powerful and brilliantly done.
Overall:
I think you've got a very powerful poem here. I love the message of finding a new beginning through faith and hope. "Resurrects Humanity" after war. This is a wonderful concept. Great job!
This is a great survey. It would be fantastic to see more members complete it. Thanks for all the wonderful services this site provide and for striving for excellence.
Ohhhh, writer tidbits. I carry the spiral notepads too. And exercise books I always have two of those in my purse just because I feel better writing prose on wider pages. Don't ask me why.
As for pens I buy blue ball points by the 100's. I have at least a dozen in obvious locations. A dozen in my desk draw, a dozen on my desk, a dozen in the CD rack above the desk, a dozen in the DVD cabinet a few feet away from my desk, a dozen in the kitchen cutlery draw, a dozen in the pantry, a dozen in my bedside table, a dozen in my underwear draw, a dozen in each of the kids underwear draws, and two in the draw in the bathroom. These are generally unused because when I try to write in the shower the paper doesn't much appreciate it. But sometimes I keep my notepad and a towel handy because for some reason some of my best ideas come when my face is covered in cleanser.
There I go rambling on the topic again. lol Another great, insightful article Hank and a delightful read. If you're going to make a habit of writer insights perhaps you'd consider turning them into a book item for easy reading? That way I don't have to hunt them down week by week. *grins*
*chuckles* You know I've developed the habit of watching where I put my feet firstly also. So many people think it's because I'm introverted. People who are confident look up and face the world. But I disagree. I developed the habit out of self preservation. Too many times in the past I'd stepped on unsuspecting bee's and being allergic to the little insects it was never a good thing. Now I watch my step and avoid stepping on them, it's also great for avoiding nasty rocks, glass, and dog poop.
Oh, and for the record, many mothers have developed third eyes also. *grins* Ohhh and I once found a $20 bill under the seat of a bus when I was about 10. Was the richest find ever and hell no I didn't hand it in to the bus driver. I kept that $20 and never regretted it for a moment. But if I didn't look down I'd never have found it.
Opps, um... Supposed to review stuff aren't I. Didn't notice any issues. You've got a great, easy voice that made reading this a delight. No glaring grammar or spelling issues shouting at me but maybe I was too distracted by the incredibly lively content to worry about those.
This is a lovely monologue and beautifully expressed. It gives the confusion and fear of an elder expectant mother very clearly. I imagine this topic could lead to a wealth of emotional poetry as well.
Suggestions:
Check your spelling of "amniocentesis" in the 9th paragraph.
This feels mostly like an outpouring of heart. Saying the truth of something that really happened. Therefore as it is you shouldn't change it. Heart is always best as it came. However if you wanted to you could turn this into a story, expanding on in, changing the POV perhaps and going into more detail about each of the scenes.
My Favorite Part:
My favorite part is the phrasing of the doctor when he tells the POV character she's pregnant. It's really quite a lovely way to announce it although in this case he seemed to be rather unintuative. But then doctors don't always know what's going on in their patients lives so I guess he might have thought the news welcome despite her age. I'd have thought most doctors would be more cautious about their approach when breaking the topic to a woman over 40. Still, the line is rather classic.
Overall:
You've written a very clear and touching monologue Dr. Angel I enjoyed reading it very much and look forward to finding more of your work around WDC. Thank you so much for sharing this with your readers.
Another great folder of stuff. Could help you to devide the word searches into another folder inside this one. There are so many that they kind of dominate the rest of the stuff here. The quiz gets lost amongst them. But this folder has heaps of entertainment value.
You know this one is actually a lot harder then it looks. lol I struggle to think them up and I mean I'm usually pretty good at games like this so it shouldn't be so difficult. But this is. I love a challenge though so when others have added a few I'll be back so that I don't feel like I'm monopolysing the whole I/O.
Ohhh I'm really looking forward to how this I/O grows and what lines people come up with. It'll be interesting to see it wander. It will be fun to see people destroy the language in their attempts too. I don't know if anyone actually says/types Old English correctly these days. I know even I don't. lol But the mangling of it is the best bit.
My first thought when I read this was that it was lovely. I'd read that you'd attempted your first sonnet and felt something missing but it didn't detract from the beauty of the poem.
Having said that, it's not officially a sonnet because a Shakespearean Sonnet requires a pentameter. Iambic Pentameter, that's five iambs per line. You've got iambic tetrameter which is for iambs per line.
It sounds great though and I wouldn't change the poem to fit the form. Just be aware that future sonnet attempts should have five feet. You call it the soft/hard beat in your description of form. What I'm saying is that the form has a specific number of them per line. da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM.
Check out my "Invalid Item" for examples from some of the Shakespearean Sonnets I've written and how the iambic pentameter is different to the tetrameter you've used here.
As I said before, the poem really is beautiful. I loved every part of it and wouldn't change it. I just wanted you to be aware that there was one more detail in the Shakespearean Sonnet form that isn't in your poem.
This is delightful and touching. I really enjoyed reading it. I can picture it as something children might sing to, like a nursery rhyme, not even realising how multifaceted it was.
Thanks for sharing.
*blushes* You sent me an email asking me to review this for you over a week ago and I'm sorry for taking so long. You've captured a beautiful image here with some strong words. I particularly enjoyed the collection of color, the way light changes dark and vice versa.
I have to admit that the first time I read it I hadn't read the title or description and my head couldn't make any sense of it. I think it's mostly because I wasn't present in absorbing it the first time. But I was intrigued enough to read it again and I'd scrolled up and the description makes it crystal clear what readers are seeing in your poem.
My favorite is the second stanza. This seems to be the most visual for me. I found it particularly so because the first stanza felt difficult for me to read/say. I think that relates to a grammar issue. It didn't feel like a single thought.
Ok, I feel like I've been very unhelpful and abstract. But I don't know how to phrase my concerns so lets move back to what I loved about this poem. *grins*
I love the shape. Keeping the lines short, sharpening, focusing on specific points of interest. I love the connections and personification you gave the light. This sunset isn't just sunlight fading behind the Earth, it's a connection to dreams and how light can effect the world. I keep thinking it reflects how light illuminates the good, and dark gives hiding places to evil but it really isn't as straight forward as that and your poem captures this too.
*smiles* It really is lovely. The kind of peice that takes me back, and back and each time I reflect on the words and read it again I find myself discovering things I hadn't picked out the first time. Thank you for sharing and again, sorry for taking so long to respond to your email.
mmmm tasty things. *munches on in-outs* Looking forward to seeing what else you put in here but it's a great folder worth of interactive activities that are sure to delight a great many WDCers. I know I'll be here frequently.
Happy WDC 6th Birthday. The site looks great but then it always does thanks to all your efforts. I just wanted to let you know that your Party Decorations aren't working properly. Your first sentence says, "Want to help us celebrate our 5th Birthday?" It's um, your 6th isn't it? *grins*
And the images keep giving me a warning that says, "Right click has been disabled for images." Since the instructions say we should right click and save them it means we can't.
I'd also thought for the sake of your server space you'd prefer people to use the images from your own port, linking to them via their item number, rather than each having copies in our own ports to use?
Other than that the decorations look fantastic. Thanks so much for all the effort you put into the site. I, and I'm sure so many others, really enjoy our time here and truly appreciate all you do for your users/members.
*sighs* I think this is the last item in your port and I've really enjoyed your work so it's kind of sad to say goodbye. I'll certainly be by from time to time to see anything that might have been added.
This poem is very sweet and I can resonate with it very well myself. I expect many women have someone dear to them in their heart, in their fantasies, and not in their lives, even if it's just a figment of someone we hope to find but have never met.
I felt the following line stumbled a little so you might want to have a closer look and see if you can smooth it out so that it flows as well as the others: I am overwhelmed just for the fact that you are near
I wish for one day I would awake and find those two worlds meet. This line would give the poem more symetery if it were devided into two lines. Your other stanzas are all 5 lines long and this one is 3+1. I understand why you've split the final line away from the rest but if you broke the line above it into two then you'd have 4+1 which is a 5 line like the other stanzas.
And finally, I recommend thinking up something different to put in the description. It can make a very big difference to how many people will come and see your item and so those 90 characters can be very important. Put them to good use.
Overall it's truly lovely. Thank you so much for putting your heart into all your work. This is the sign of a great writer and perhaps the biggest reason I've enjoyed my time in your port. I can see the joy and love of writing that will lead to brilliant works if allowed to develop and culture over time. Tend to the garden of your gift, write, and read, and write some more. I look forward to finding your works in print someday.
*sighs softly* This poem is simply beautiful. It feels like a teardrop on paper. The pure expression of sadness, loneliness, emptiness. I hesitate to suggest changing anything since I suspect this came straight from the heart and should remain intact.
Having said that if you were thinking of editing any of it the only line I'd suggest you look at is: A memory that was yet to be forgotten
Simply because the very essense of 'memory' is that it's something remembered and thus of course not forgotten. Perhaps instead of saying it was "yet to be" it would work better to say "soon to be" or "wished to be" or something like that. At the moment it reads like, "She remembered something she remembered." Where as she could remember something she wished to forget, or remember something she won't always remember. See the difference?
Anyway, as I said, it's possible you wouldn't want to change anything at all. When a poem is such a pure expression of a moments emotion it can sometimes be better just to let it be and move onto other poems knowing that the moment is forever instilled in this short peice. It really is lovely.
Me again. This poem has a beautiful message and some of your word choices are touching and wonderfully express emotion. I particularly enjoyed the last three lines, they really do give that 'spark' giving a bubble of energy, hope.
There were a few lines I felt you might be able to strengthen with just a little more careful editing:
All I felt I had left was weakness - Lots of short works at the beginning of this line tends to make it feel faster to read and throws it out of sync with the slower mete of the line above. Two versions I tried were, "All I felt I'd left was weakness", and the one I preferred, "All I felt remained was weakness". Play around with it a little yourself and see what you can come up with.
For this I did not have to grope - Ohhhh, we've talked about this before. Classic Yodaism. But beyond that I really felt this line sort of let down the lines around it. My emotions as a reader were mellow, somber and this line didn't feel in keeping with that mood. The hope/grope rhyme felt forced and I wondered if there was another way to portray your meaning without it feeling like it's put in there for the sake of rhyme.
And with it each cloud will have a silver line - Ok, silver lined clouds are a cliche. There is nothing wrong with using on sparingly but personally I'd encourage you to come up with phrases that could become cliche's that YOU wrote instead of using the worn one's of former poets. If you want to stay with the cliche however then you should be away that a silver line is NOT silver lining. I know you wrote it as line to rhyme it with shine above but instead of seeing clouds filled with silver the line gave me visions of arrows peircing clouds which is not what I think you were aiming for here. At this point we're trying to see the turn around from despair to hope so you really do need to be careful to avoid words that can confuse things.
All new dreams flood my head - I'm pretty sure this is a meter issue. I know you probably haven't followed any particular meter to write this poem however most of it flows well and the flow relates to meter. In this case you have two stressed syllables together when the lines either side alternate the stress. The easiest way to fix it would probably be to put a comma between dreams and flood. This would give the reader a reason to pause when reading it and the pause could act as the unstressed syllable instead of a word. Of course you might find rewriting the line works better for you and you may come up with an even sharper way to portray this image.
Finally, punctuation, and lack there of. Every line in this poem is enjambed. Actually every line except the last. It's as if the whole poem is one long, drawn out sentence. There are a couple of comma's that at least give readers a chance to catch a breath. It's a beautiful poem and punctuation can make a huge difference to it's clarity.
Overall this is a lovely poem with an emotional connection I'm sure everyone can relate to. I love how the emotion flips, from despair into hope giving readers a sense of well-being by the end. I think if you put a little more time into thinking of some more word choices, sharper sentence structure and perhaps some stronger imagery you could make this an incredible poem. You definately show a knack for capturing feelings.
This is a great wordsearch. I loved the challenge and some of your words are brilliant choices. Thanks so much for an entertaining few minutes. *grins*
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I think it's mostly because I wasn't present in absorbing it the first time. But I was intrigued enough to read it again and I'd scrolled up and the description makes it crystal clear what readers are seeing in your poem.