Kimmi,
This is another good one.
1. You get your point across very well
2. The title fits the poem as the theme runs from start to finish.
3. I saw no spelling or grammar errors.
4. I do have one major suggestion. You started the poem out in free verse style, and in a couple of places you went o rhyming verse. Stanzas 4,5,6,8 rhyme. the others do not. I would suggest that if you start in free verse, you remain in free verse, and if you start in rhyme, remain in rhyme. It's less confusing to the reader as to what your style is intended to be.
Otherwise,
Good Job.
Rob
Kimmi,
This one deserves a 5.
1. No spelling or grammar errors
2. The Title you may want to reconsider but it still works.
3. The poem flows nicely.
I think you have captured the truth behind the words when it comes to most teen age boys these days.
Good Job
Rob
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Part of the Black Case Review Raid
1. I saw no spelling or grammar errors.
2. This does indeed tackle a problem in today's society.
3. The only thing that I saw that I would suggest is about the use of:
"Hide! Hide! The children cry
A bottle speaks the father’s mind"... I know this is to drive the point home, but using it at the beginning and end would have been more effective than continuing to use it in the middle of the poem.
Over all, Good Job!
Rob
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deemac.
Very nice story indeed.
1. The title fits the story as the dedication indeed is what it is all about.
2. I saw no spelling errors, and no grammar errors.
3. The story starts out with a definate ending in mind, and progresses the thought from beginning to end.
4. The story captures the readers mind with intrigue that gently turns to recoginition of who is being talked about.
5. The ending is absolutely perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.
Good Job!
Rob
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Black Case review Raid
Wow, Powerful.
1. In my opinion it could have been done as well, or better without the excessive language, but that's to the qwriiter.
2. It flowed well with ups and downnnnnns that move the reader with emotion.
3. It is a very well written free style poem and I saw no spelling or grammar errors.
If this is something that happened to you, I feel for you. Just because something like this happens to someone, it does not diminish that persons self worth in anyway shape or form.
Good Writing.
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Part of the Black Case Review Raid
Geneva,
I think this is a beautiful piece.
!. I found no spelling or grammar errors.
2. The thought flows from beginning to end in the poem, and it adheres to the title of the poem.
3.My favorite part is:
"My old friends, the butterflies,
Have returned with a vengeance,
Threatening to explode out of my chest
With every glance he tosses my way" ...this is very descriptive.
4. It deid seem that you struggled withthe flow of the poem in a couple of places but they wern't bad, just noticable.
Good Freestyle Poem,
Rob
Beautiful janerik.
1. I thought this piece flows nicely. It has a solid line of thought that it follows from beginning to end also.
2. I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors.
I do question your use of punctuation, specifically in:
"Is there any truth out there?
Which doesn’t have to say it is?
But truly is?”... Seems like you could omit the first two question marks and it would still be fine.
3. My favorit part was:
"He blows life into His love letters
The word of my father, a dusty book laying on my shelf
I start to read
4.There are a few places such as at the end of that sntance that could use punctuation. This always helps the flow of a piece of literary work so keep that in mind when you write.
Nice freestyle poem,
Rob
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Part of the Black Case Review Raid
Ryan,
I love the way you've started your story.
1. There is a typo in the first paragraph:
"sea, he lashed out with his arms an legs"...should be arms (and) legs
2. There is a misspelling in the second paragraph:
"As he watched the ocean, he realised"... realised should be realized.
This is shaping up to be a terrific story.
Keep up the good work.
Rob
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Another black case raid review
!. I found a typo in the following line:
"Hear now, the Wisom of the Oracular Cookies!"...You missed the (d) in wisdom.
2. I found a typo in the following:
"for if the fools could learn from the wise, they to would be wise"...to should become too
3. Is the following a typo?
"Happy life is just front of you.’"..Happy life is just (in) front of you.
4. I love the humor you find in each of the fortunes.
Good Job on a hard undertaking.
Rob
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Hi, this is part of the Black Case Raid.
1. I think you have a good short short here. I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors.
2. The story had a solid line of thought and progressed along that line from start to finish.
3. I liked the surprize ending the best. Who'da thunk it?
4. The only thing I found unsettling about the story was it seemed kind of rushed with so many short sentences, just my impression.
Over all, Good Job.
Rob
Sue,
This is a very unique form of writing. I enjoyed the read very much. I particularly like the line:
"his eyes kholled, his lips carmined." as this is a very acurate picture of a warrior ready for battle, not knowing whether death will be his or his enemies.
The imagery is strong which indeed fits the story of an arena battle. It flows very smoothly which lends itself to the strength of the poem.
The only reason I didn't rate this a 5 was the one typo I found:
"he prays that the Gods will grant" Gods should not be capitalized as the capital G is reserved for God the Deity. Other than that small typo, this is excellent writing.
Good Job!
Rob
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