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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
26
26
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello Rhue !

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **



What I liked

I like the premise of your poem, that the apple? tree is there to be plundered. Some of the imagery is great, such as the diamond dew and the ruby apples. It's simple and easy to visualise.

What might need work

I think that the fruit is apples, but the mention of spikes in the forth stanza threw me a little. I can't think of a tree that grows tall enough to reach an upstairs window that has thorns, and I'm not familiar with an apple tree that does.

In the fourth stanza, you mention your bedroom window. There's an implication that the apples are taken through the window, otherwise why mention that it's your bedroom window? It might be better to link the other elements of the poem's "story" with this. For example, rather than a stripy T-shirt in your opening stanza, use stripy pyjamas, and with the diamonds in the grass, mention that they're below, otherwise the reader imagines you're walking on that grass.

Watch your capitalisation. You begin some sentences with a lower case letter, and you begin the line "They stud the gold leaf mound" with a capital T, though it's not a new sentence. Also, reconsider your sentence breaks. Sometimes you use two sentences where one continuous sentence makes more sense.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This poem made me think of kids stealing fruit from their neighbors' trees. It's a nice seasonal nature poem.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


** Image ID #2123092 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awesome story!

The only suggestions I'd make are:

1) a little more negativity on the possibility that humans will rebuild, with your excellent conclusion following a "and if they ever do manage to crawl back out of the radioactive dust" clause.

2) use some shorter sentences for more impact, eg.

For me, I mean for us, time seems always still. Even the world feels static." -> For us, time stands still. The world is static." -> use narrative that is confident to better engage the reader. Yes, you need some "voice", but not at the expense of losing voice or becoming too verbose.

Do you really think you could ever be scarier than this?" -> Could you ever be scarier than this?"

3) the two characters are distinctly different in background, age, and gender. Give her a childish, carefree accent, eg. Valley talk with lots of contractions. He's an educated adult, an officer, so give him more formal speech with few if any contractions. For example, where she says "yeah" he says "yes" and similarly "nah" and "no". This will better show their differences of character. You don't want them sounding the same.

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Bob *Smile*

Pink Unicorn Signature





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28
28
Review of Unicorn Legend  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dominique!

I'm reviewing your story as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest  (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton


What I liked

Really clear conflict from the beginning. Great tension and action. Brilliant resolution.

What might need work

One of the biggest problems for any author (me included) with writing a story in the first person is the tendency to begin too many sentences with "I + verb". Take a quick glance through your story and see how many times you do that, what proportion of your sentences are like this. Try to be more creative and produce a variety of sentence lengths and structures.

Readers quite like to know who is speaking near the beginning of the story, ie. who the narrator is. You don't give us the name of the narrator until about a quarter way through, so we find it more difficult to identify with her. When you wrote: "What are you doing?" questions… you could have addressed the narrator by name within this introductory speech, eg. "What are you doing, Hazel?" questions

If you're going to rate a story "E", watch your language. *Blush* I almost always rate mine 18+ because of the adult language my characters use and innuendo.

Watch out for minor typos, eg.
"When I go outside and nothing's there, you'll stop? -> missing " at end.
The thought of unicorns snaps me back into reality and I say, "Alight, Ready?" -> Alright, not 'alight'

Conclusion

I thought this was a great story. The conflict was interesting and the characters well developed.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, THANKFUL SONALI 17 WDC YEARS!!



Set up — is your story opening confusing?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Well, you certainly make it very clear who you're speaking about from the very beginning, lol. You create a nice opening hook because the reader becomes really curious about why you think your mother was an immature person.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You certainly crafted a detailed set of characteristics for your mom, yourself, and your dad. However, what I felt was missing a tad was the 'redeeming' feature. Usually, in this kind of anecdotal tale, at some point toward the end the author introduces some habit or quirk of the person in question that they found adorable and which they will forever think fondly about, such as the way your mom read poetry aloud to you or the pride she showed in you when you got your first poem published or something. Leaving the reader with a completely negative report isn't always such a good thing. Even a, 'she was useless but I still loved her', would work.

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Lots of great conflict here to engage the reader. However, toward the end, before you reach your conclusion that you're mature, maybe compare yourself to her in some respects and demonstrate how you're more mature in specific circumstances, eg. specific examples of you showing empathy toward somebody. You talk about your dad doing the washing up, so maybe you asking him to teach you how, striving toward being more independent than your mom ever was.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace of this story is great.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your prose is clear and easy to follow. The only thing I'd suggest is that you do a little more showing, ie. more scene development within the story rather than the broadbrush telling you do.

Notes

Still whining about the things her Mom had done to her when she was a kid.
-> this is a minor thing, but in this story when you use 'Mom' like a name, as a proper noun, then it should indeed be capitalized. However, in sentences like this one you're using it as a common noun, so 'the things her mom had done'.

She was doing a post-graduation in biology -> she was doing a postgraduate biology course, OR, she was a biology postgraduate student.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Although it's clear you're setting a domestic scene in India in specific cities, you don't really ground the reader in a specific location and show the surrounding setting, like showing what a particular kitchen is like, or better describing the messy living room with smells and touch to go along with the broadbrush 'it's a mess'. I mean, a house with servants makes me wonder if it was like a palace, but you don't describe the building, the room, or how many rooms there were. It just all happens in a vacuum, lol.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I actually really liked your take on the prompt. My only concern is that the story came across as a bit one sided, ie. that you didn't really show as much empathy for her position as I personally would have liked, especially toward the end. I mean, you began really well, showing why she became the person she did, but then once you introduce yourself as a character, the sympathy for her position goes out the window. Maybe just a recap of why she was like that in the resolution at the end? Or maybe just something to show that you love her in spite of all that happened — your bad childhood experiences.

Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with your writing and the Quotation Inspiration Contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of Change  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Yendi!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The opening establishes Jace as the viewpoint protagonist and also hints at conflict because he's upset at his partner's desire to stay and watch the movie.

However, I was confused by two minor points that could easily be fixed.

First, I assumed that Luka was Jace's girlfriend until he appears in person and turns out to be male. Luka is an androgynous name, so it would be better if you could somehow slip the male pronoun into Jace's thoughts about him in the opening paragraphs so that his gender is established.

Second, the relationship between Jace and Luka isn't adequately expressed here. It would be better to get it out in the open what they are to each other. To be honest, I've read the whole chapter and I'm still not sure. They are described as partners, but I'm not sure if that's in a romantic relationship sense or a business sense. Maybe all vampires must hang out with a werewolf partner in the universe you're creating, and there's nothing romantic implied. If Luka is Jace's boyfriend, why not use the word boyfriend at some point in the first few paragraphs so that their relationship is clear from the get-go?

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I'm liking both blokes because Jace wants to save the boy at first, and Luka does later. However, I feel that their relationship needs to be better clarified, and I'm mystified why you decided to do that role reversal where at first Jace is the caring one wanting to save the boy but later it's Luka. You could create much better conflict and engage your reader better by having one of them wishing to save the boy and the other opposing (with reasonable reasons) throughout, so that there would be a clear conflict and resolution as Jace wins out, persuading Luka to help the poor boy they've saved.

The biggest problem with the blokes is that I've no idea what they look like, either their general appearance or their ages. I also don't know what kind of work they do or what their interests are beyond going to the movies. I don't expect an in-depth biography in the opening chapter, and I would hate to see an info dump, but when Luka first appears, Jace could see that he's taller/shorter whatever, think about their mutual ages, maybe wonder what a stunning male model is doing with a scruffy Goth like himself, something that shows what they both look like without being too telling or infodumpy, if you catch my drift.

I like the lady witch even more. She's a selfless person who is dedicated to her craft. You do manage to describe her physically, so we know her age and rough appearance.

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your plot is pretty solid. You've got a clear conflict and end with various hooks: 1) what will the boy be like when he turns? 2) who first bit him? 3) what will the authorities say about all this? 4) what will Jace and Luka do after the transition etc??? Lots of interesting questions raised.

As I said under character, though, it might be better if the two blokes have more consistent positions on whether to help the young boy or not. That will generate better conflict and feeling of resolution toward the end of this chapter.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your pacing is good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your prose is generally clear and easy to follow. I found your story quite engaging. You might like to look into comma usage in a good style guide, like The Chicago Manual of Style, since you appear to place them in quite random locations sometimes and generally fail to use them to separate independent clauses where their omission is felt. The problem is so rife that I didn't bother to copy examples into the notes below. Just take a glance at the simple comma guide linked here and that should help:
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/

Notes

"It's a fictional movie, Jace created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires," Luka said, joining
-> when addressing somebody within a spoken sentence, separate out that person's name from what's said to them with as many commas as are needed. Here, …movie, Jace, created… Also, it's a good idea to get speech tags in as early as possible rather than forcing the reader to read to the end of the speech before finding out who's speaking. In that way, the reader can better imagine the sound of the voice and is so better immersed in the scene. So here, for example, you might write: "It's a fictional movie, Jace," said Luka, "created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires." OR: Luka joined him. "It's a fictional movie, Jace, created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires."

Yet how could he in good conscious do so? -> in good conscience

Just breath through your mouth and stay alert. "
-> breathe, not breath, and there's an extra space at the end between the period and speech marks.

Placing the items on the floor she laid out a large towel on the rug and motion for Jace to bring the patient.
-> and motioned for

Filling the cook pot halfway with water,
-> two things. 1) she asked him to fill the pot, but he's half filling it. 2) if all she's going to do with it is wash her hands, why did she ask for a pot rather than a bowl of water?

"Gemstones used for drawing out and absorbing energ
-> if they're gemstones, maybe describe them as such as she lays them out rather than simply calling them stones until now.

"A half-breed? I didn't think such a thing was possible with vampires."
-> if it wasn't possible, why would they have a special word for it, and why would he know this word?

"I need to keep an eye on him anyway for the next few weeks, to make sure his transition goes as smooth and painless as possible.
-> either, to ensure his transition goes as smoothly and painlessly as possible, OR, to ensure his transition is as smooth and painless as possible. The second option is more active, better.

Turning the machine on, she to her room and came out
-> she, what? to her room? she disappeared into her room, maybe?

"Woah, that's my bedroom," he heard Luka whisper behind him. "So cool."
-> my bedroom? I thought that they were partners? Wouldn't it be 'our bedroom'?

Speaking of blood when was the last time you ate?" -> I'm confused about why Jace would leave it so long before eating. It seems like unusual behavior that's unexplained.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I found your settings adequate and was pleased to see you using the sense of smell and taste within the story.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I feel that you have an interesting story to tell, but you need to show your two male protagonists a little better (like what they look like, what they do when they're not being all supernatural, what their interests are, how old they are, are they in a relationship?) and make their behavior consistent.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is an awesome collection of memories, Sonali. I'm very much impressed!

*Heart*
32
32
Review of Crushed Petals  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **



What I liked

I love that you use the villanelle structure for this beautiful poem it's one of my favourite forms. It's great that you emphathise that these events are as likely in the light of day as in the dark and also the blameless status of the victim. Your poem is well written, emotive, and contains great imagery, such as the crushing of petals from the prompt and the 'gift from the east'.

What might need work

The villanelle doesn't have to be written in iambic pentameter, but famous examples, like Sylvia Plath's Mad Girl's Love Song, tend to be.

Your two refrains each use only nine syllables. However, a tiny adjustment would make them both ten. For example:

Love's petals crushed, their perfume released. -> Love's petals crushed, their sickly scent released.
Swayed by a breeze, innocence has ceased. -> Swayed by a breeze, your innocence has ceased.

Also:

the welcoming warmth led you astray. -> the welcome warmth he gave led you astray.
Clenched in the jaws of desire's beast, -> Clenched in the jaws of ever lustful beast,

These are just suggestions to get you to ten syllables, though. As it is, the stresses are wrong on 'desire's' for its placement at the end of the line where it is.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

Excellent, as always, Ken! *Heart*

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


** Image ID #2123092 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of What if...  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon!



Set up — is your story opening confusing?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's clear who the protagonist is. He has a clear voice. There's a hook in the question of what he would change in the past.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's flash fiction, so you can't do too much to develop your character, but it's clear what kind of person Ken is and what he wants out of life.

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

This story does have a strong plot with a clear conflict. However, I'm not sure to what extent it currently answers the prompt. It doesn't really address how Ken's life has changed because he got his dream job. If you somehow implied that he'd become a writer and that was what drove him crazy then it would address the prompt, but that isn't clarified enough to my mind at the moment.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace is great.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally a very clear and easy to follow narrative. A few minor typos.

Notes

Time’s rabbit hole, he thought. -> Time's a rabbit…

Ken felt the sweat on his forehead begin to run down his face
-> Sweat ran down Ken's forehead. -> try to avoid filtering, reminding the reader that someone else is experiencing the action rather than them. Filtering distances the reader from the action of the story. Also, unless absolutely necessary, avoid stall words like 'begin to'

https://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words...

His mouth was just the opposite. It was dry as the Sahara. -> Keep tight -> His mouth was just the opposite, as dry as the Sahara.

His father had come in third it in 1981.
-> cut 'it', ie. His father had come in third it in 1981.

“Of course,” he said, ushering them toward a doorway.
-> “Of course." He ushered them toward a doorway. -> otherwise you have two uses of 'he said' in this same paragraph.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Settings are great, with coffee, cigarettes, and dew sprinkled webs etc.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your brief story was humorous and well written, as we've all come to expect from Ken. Of course, you have plenty of time to hone your tales. What else could you do in the asylum? *Wink* I'd suggest massaging the ending a little to make it clear that an alternative career led to the madhouse rather than some spelling bee incident during childhood.


Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
for entry "⭐ Old Dogs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh, Ken!!!

*Laugh*


35
35
Review of String Of Hearts  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello Kat!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **



What I liked

Your poem has a wonderful flow, expresses strong emotions, and uses some nice rhymes and near rhymes (like your wonderful "scars" and "far" combination) to enhance its aesthetic qualities and emphasise your points. It's beautifully written.

What might need work

The biggest thing I'd recommend is restructuring your poem so that the rhymes and endstops are clearer to the casual reader. Basically, right now it doesn't look like a poem on the page, but shorter lines with the rhymes and near rhymes on the end would give it more the traditional look of poetry.

Note that heartbreak is a compound word..

How can someone that I thought I knew, could be so cold. -> How could someone who I thought I knew be so cold? -> use a question mark to punctuate a question. "Who" is a better pronoun to use than "that" when speaking about a person.

shards of heart everywhere. -> nice! But consider, heart shards everywhere

Theres no greater depth in love, wanting something so much. -> there's -> it's a contraction.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

You don't have to restructure, but I feel that this would carry more impact if it looked more like a poem to readers. Personally, I loved it.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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36
36
Review of Difficulty  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Kat!

First, your question. If you are looking for an answer, well, you're not going to like it. In my honest opinion, it comes in two parts.

1) Time. Like it or not, you need time to get out of your rut. But, the old adage is true, that time is a great healer, and you will feel better one day. Your life will get better. At your age, you want everything yesterday, but real life doesn't have fast forward like a video or respawning like a game.

2) At fifty, I don't know everything and I'm still learning every day. The older you get, the more you realise how little you really know. So when a young person claims to "have a pretty good idea" about a topic, well, no, sorry but quite frankly you don't. That's why they are laws to protect young people like yourself from adults who would try to convince you that you do know what you're doing as long as it aligns with their own often malignant motives.

Now, onto your writing.

Here are a few suggestions for improvement:

hearing adults say "you're to young to know what love is." -> hearing adults say, "You're too young to know what love is." - but if you can avoid cliches like "sick and tired" and find fresh, new ways to express yourself, that will also improve your writing.

I try to find someone that makes me happy. But its like all I do is attract all the wrong men. -> I try to find someone who makes me happy, but it's like all I do is attract the wrong men. -> unless you're writing an action scene where you want to imply rapid action or giving a speech and want punchy lines, longer sentences are better. "That" can be used as a pronoun, but "who" is generally considered better when the subject of the clause is a person. For example, "This is the man who loves me" but "This is the car that drives me crazy". Be careful to distinguish between "it's" and "its". Be wary of repeating the same word in a sentence, like "all" used twice here.

Where's the happily ever afters and fairytales. -> when writing formally, Where are the... because there are more than one of them.

I do hope that you find this review useful.

God bless you!

Bob *BigSmile*

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37
37
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello crownedsoul!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **



What I liked

This is a clever scenario drawing on mythology and adding a twist. Your poem is well written, follows a logical flow, and comes to a very satisfying resolution.

What might need work

With the lines "one of them starts to notice" and "one of them starts to yell", starts doesn't add anything to meaning because it's an obvious thing, ie. if the action is happening, obviously it started. Consider something like "one of them finally notices" and "one of them thinks to yell" so that more meaning is attached to each word used.

Where you write "coated in his golden blood" maybe "drenched in his golden blood" might sound stronger.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This is a very clever and well written poem.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello crownedsoul !

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **



What I liked

This is a great example of two-voice poetry. You create two realistic characters and develop a meaningful conversation within a short space of time. It's emotional and the conclusion comes with a subtle warning. It's quite musical in tone.

What might need work

To me, the clause "not everything ends in peacetimes here" sounded a little awkward. Maybe consider something like: "not everything ends peacefully."

With "the only peace i've ever gotten is when i'm laying next to you at night. )" maybe consider something slightly simpler, like "the only peace I ever know is when I lay beside you.)"

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This would sound wonderful read aloud by two actors.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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39
39
Review of Amen  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


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What I liked

This is a very powerful and emotional poem. I love the theme, I love the flow of your thoughts, I love the resolution encapsulated in 'Amen', and I love the strong, rhyming structure.

What might need work

Although I thought every line was beautifully written, and I like this very much, there were a few points I went 'Huh?' while reading. I'm just going to list them for you so that you can see where I'm coming from, though you may choose to ignore my thoughts here.

Tears of sorrow are blowing away / the light into her old and tired eyes, -> the direction of the action in the first line is 'away', but in the second line where the thought is continued, the direction of action is 'into'. This seemed contradictory to me.

fingers on a rosary and lips that pray -> the first clause has no subject. The fingers appear to belong to the mother, but it's not clear.

resigned to his fate, he sees his death -> here, did you mean 'sees' or 'seeks'. Either works, but I wasn't sure if this was a typo or not since your words elsewhere are so strong but 'sees' seems kinda weak whereas 'seeks' would be a powerful action.

a strife / to say it to the world
-> although it's a nice rhyme, the word 'strife' doesn't really feel like it fits in this sentence.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I thought that this was a beautifully written poem. Just because some bits made me scratch my shiny bald patch, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. I think it's great.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



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40
40
Review of Captivating  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere!

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What I liked

Your word choices were exquisite and you have some great combinations like 'eternally green, / eternally captivating'. Your poem has a strong theme which is easy to identify with. Yes, love can be captivating and it can blind the unwary.

What might need work

Although the words were all beautiful choices, I felt confused about what you were trying to say with them much of the time. You set up clauses with phrases like 'at least the lines' which implies there is a condition that must be met for which a verb is required to show what action is been taken (eg. at least the sky is blue) but nothing comes along to complete the logical construction that began 'at least', which leaves me feeling frustrated. The opening stanza is a bit all over the place, beginning with seed and fruit, cross-pollination works fine in the next line, and so does the hummingbird, but then you go back to seeds in the final line and it confused me.

your cross pollination, -> your cross-pollination,

on the leave, -> did you mean 'on the leaf'?

out of two rainbows, / I want to live in you.
-> I must confess, I had no idea what you meant here. Are you saying that you have two possible love interests, both beautiful, but you choose the one you're currently addressing? I'm lost.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I felt that there were strong emotions flowing through your poem but that it could have followed a more logical flow and the phrases it contained could have made more sense.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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41
41
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello Ella Wrenn!

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What I liked

I love the visual created by your words here. I can see that thin line between Heaven and Earth you are sketching. The contrast you express in your concluding couplet is very appropriate. The simplistic form of this poem is reminiscent of Oriental nature poetry, like the every popular haiku.

What might need work

Be careful with your word choices. For example, you wrote "Earth and abyss" when talking about the sky, but an abyss is a deep pit by definition. Did you mean to express that the sky is really down a hole, or was that a mistaken word choice?

in it's beautiful form -> its, not it's here. This possessive pronoun does not need a possessive apostrophe. It's is a contraction of "it is" which doesn't fit here.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

A well written and beautifully descriptive nature poem.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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42
42
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello ainsley!

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What I liked

I love the honest romance of your modern sonnet. It's very appropriate that you've used a free verse version of the sonnet to express your opinions about love, since that's what sonnets are mostly used for. The contents of your main stanza are a fantastic checklist of physical cues that someone might notice in somebody they're attracted to. This poem shows a lot about you as a person, your insecurities, likes and dislikes. I think that it's really well put together.

What might need work

Personally, I'm not keen on poets using i instead of I, but that's a style choice and yours to make.

I feel that you use the same words to begin lines too many times. Over the fourteen lines of your sonnet, you only actually use four different opening words. You need more variety.

Along the same lines, once an action is shown, it need not be repeated so frequently. For example, once you've said "who notices" then the other things you want him to notice can be given like a list and the who notices" will be implies. This would also help bring in more variety to your opening words.

In poetry, every word in every line needs to pull its weight. Be as succinct as possible using words that are as exact as you can find to express the emotions you wish to express. Avoid repetition unless it's to a limited extent to emphasise one point in your poem.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

A wonderful, emotion-packed sonnet.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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43
43
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

Love the quiz.

A few notes and suggestions on question no.:

10) the 'correct' answer reads 'third person limited omniscient'. What does that even mean? If it means 'third person limited' then there are two possible answers to the question as written, 'first person' and 'third person limited' because both show the story from the viewpoint of only one character.

20) the answer is given away by the title of the question, 'mood' written next to 20

43) This is confusing because the phrase 'first person' is actually used in the question. Like question 10, the answer could be either third person limited or first person as the question is asked.

45) I'd say that this is the moral of the story rather than the theme. Perhaps moral shouldn't be used as the question title but be one of the possible answers.

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Bob



44
44
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Sharmelle's Expressions! !

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What I liked

I like that you're trying to show respect for those who have fought for your nation, for liberty, and for the greater good. Be sensitive, though. Remeber that some of us fought on the other side! *CountryGB*

So far, you've written two quatrains with ABAB structure. So far so good.

What might need work

1) STRUCTURE

Think about how you want to structure your poem to make it as effective as possible. You can choose any style, but maybe think about how the style you chose can reflect the flow of your theme.

Consider the most famous remembrance poem: In Flanders Fields. Look at its structure, how it is put together, the classic rondeau.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47380/in-fl...

This is the structure used, the rondeau:

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/rondeau....

See how the endings are strong, and the theme flows naturally through the poem. Try to plan out your poem in a similar way, knowing how you're going to introduce your topic, where it's headed, and what you want your conclusion to be.

2) THEME

Consider what exactly your theme will involve and how it will flow through your chosen structure.

For the theme, think about actual relevant scriptures. For example, a popular scripture for this is John 15:13:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

With your current poem, so far your structure flows: OUR TROOPS ARE IN EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD -> WE HOPE THEY'LL BE OKAY. -> WE HOPE THEY'LL COME HOME SAFE
You need to add other sections, eg. -> NOT ALL OF THEM WILL RETURN -> SOME PEOPLE WILL LOSE MOTHERS, FATHERS, DAUGHTERS, SONS, SISTERS, BROTHERS, FRIENDS -> IT IS GOOD FOR US TO REMEMBER AND HONOUR THEM.

Once you've decided what you want in your sections, think of what order you wish to present them, and what conclusion you wish to reach at the end, eg. That Independence Day is an appropriate day to remember those who have fought and died for freedom.

3) VERSES

Think about how you are going to write each line. Are you going to use meter? What about your rhymes.

At the moment, many of your line endings are 'feminine' endings. That means that the final syllable in the line is unstressed rather than stressed. In rhyming poetry, that makes these lines give less of a punch than those with a stressed ending. Rhyming 'world' with 'world' is a little lazy.

4) EXAMPLES

Here's an example of a quatrain written in iambic tetrameter with strong rhyme endings.

There is no corner of this world
that hasn't seen our girls and boys
or viewed that starry flag unfurled
by guys from Maine to Illinois.


See how these lines are inclusive of male and female to represent more accurately the modern military. Also, the nationality of the troops is hinted at through a description of the flag and mention of some states rather than a telling line to say who they are. I also tried to use more active language where possible while keeping it in meter.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

Okay, well I've given you some pointers that I hope will help. I suggest you have a go at writing it now and then message me to take another look when you're closer to your goals.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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45
45
Review of Hatred  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello M.E.Cushman!

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What I liked

The best poetry is an expression of one's emotions, and your verses do a great job of this. You use repetition as a tool for emphasis in an effective manner. Your theme is clearly expressed, and there's a smooth and logical flow to your well organised thoughts.

My favourite part is your final line and conclusion. I love how you have partnered 'something' and 'nothing' to emphasise the difference you wish to express.

What might need work

The line 'I hate my cellulite' feels like too similar in concept to the earlier 'flesh that sags' to me, and I personally feel your poem would be stronger without it.

When writing free verse, aim for an economy of words and using the most active and concrete verbs and nouns you can. For example, take the line:

They say it is normal to dislike some parts of yourself, but i find there are fewer parts of me that i like than those i hate.

and consider how it could be tighter:

They say it's normal to dislike parts of yourself, but I find there are fewer parts I like than those I hate.

Note that the rewritten line carries the exact same meaning but is shorter and so has a stronger impact. To be honest, if I were writing this, I'd even be grammatically incorrect and write 'I find there's fewer parts'. It's colloquial, and readers can comprehend without it sounding too awkward.

I would use I rather than i because it's more consistent, unless you also use i to begin the other lines of 'I hate'. To be brutally honest, I personally find authors using i in poetry pretentious, though I might choose to use it myself in informal situations to add a light tone of humour to my prose.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I believe that this poem shows promise but requires a little bit more polish to work for me.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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46
46
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon!


Set up — is your chapter opening confusing?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The scene setting is beautiful. Maybe have a doggy breath smell when she licks him, though. There's a nice hook with 'He stared into her eyes, wondering if this was just training or if she actually had independent thought and understanding.' The whole premise introduced here is fascinating. The quotes are very relevant and interesting.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Dr. Bob Denton is, of course, a wonderful character. However, you don't really do much to show the world how 'hot' and 'sexy' he is. I'd suggest you use various actions to show some of his physical attributes, such as struggling to get his three hundred pound body out of bed, reaching for his spectacles as he gets up, combing his last few hairs across his bald patch OR applying wax to his shiny bald patch etc. He also needs a few interests hinted at. For example, does he sleep in a Pink Fluffy Unicorn onesie?!

https://uk.romwe.com/Drop-Crotch-Unicorn-Onesie-p-...

Does he have an Alpha movie poster on the wall? Is his ringtone Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows? Any little hints you can drop about his personality and interests beyond the plot.

Huda is perfect!

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The premise is awesome. The bits where Bob feels like sticking his head out the window or peeing against a fire hydrant are great. The end, at the moment, doesn't really feel like a resolution. There's something missing. However, you have lots of space to add a more exciting ending, such as Huda taking over Bob's brain/Bob becoming like Huda and Huda like Bob/Bob running off into the woods with Huda to live like a wolf, etc etc. I'm sure you'll come up with something.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace is good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Language is clear and easy to follow.

Notes

The first touch of dawn was painting the sky as Bob woke up.
-> as a general rule, place events in their correct chronological order to achieve smooth narrative voice, the same order as the events are experienced by the viewpoint character, eg. As Bob awoke, the first touch of dawn painted the sky a beautiful shade of orange.

It’s about time you woke up! Now, let’s get you out of bed flashed through Huda’s mind.
-> when somebody is speaking or thinking, especially if it's somebody unexpected, get the tag in as soon as possible to identify to the reader who is thinking or speaking. If you leave it as is, you need a comma after 'bed', but I'd suggest you go with: It’s about time you woke up! thought Huda. Now let’s get you out of bed.

Some scientist he is. -> do you really want it to appear that Huda knows what a scientist is at this stage in the story? Compare this with your 'man in blue' later, which was much better doggie viewpoint.

Hello man in blue. -> comma after Hello

Don’t give up your day job, George,” although he couldn’t help but give a small laugh at this daily ritual.
-> I'm not sure how you can fix this, but the 'although' and final part of this really belongs to the sentence before the dialogue, so it doesn't seem to work as part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

Bob had a theory that the neurons and their patterns in one brain could be synchronized with another brain allowing the recipient to feel the eand perhapshe sender … and perhaps more. -> ???

“We’ll begin with three minutes. That should allow enough time for the program to map and begin the mimicking process.”
-> I'd recommend that Dr. Denton says this, or something similar, not Beverley. He's supposed to be in charge, not her.

I could use a potty break
. -> to keep up the suspension of disbelief, try to limit Huda's thoughts to things she'd know and understand. I'm not convinced that a dog understands what a potty is.

he was very tempted by the fire hydrant.
-> at this point, if he suddenly felt warmth flowing down his legs, it'd be funnier than him just being tempted.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The setting is adequate to see where we are at each stage. However, I'd like more sensory information in the lab, like the cold of the 'hat' or a chemical scent etc.

Maybe a bit more specific in Huda's thoughts, like what's nice about Beverly's scent? Does she smell of musk like a male dog, or of candy that Huda likes? What does the other dog's pee smell like to Huda. Just make stuff up, like a distinctive bitter-sweet scent.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

This story is very original and has a very sexy, intelligent, and generally awesome protagonist. However, I don't feel it's quite finished yet. It just needs a little extra punch at the end to provide an interesting and satisfying resolution.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

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47
47
Review of Perfect Goodbye  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon!



Set up — is your story opening confusing?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

It's clear we're in Alex's viewpont, and CHocolate ice cream will ALWAYS be a HOOK for me! *Laugh*

But, seriously, the fact that he wants life to be simpler implies something complex troubling him, which is a nice and subtle opening hook, imho. However, you need to include something in that opening sentence to show that they're inside his home. On first read, I assumed they were in a restaurant. In fact, this notion was rather reinforced by the mention of the apartment in the following paragraph because it was describing the past and implied that he was no longer there.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Because he is unhappy, Alex is a sympathetic character, but we don't know much more about him than his problem. If you tighten up the existing text, you may have enough room for a small amount of character building. Maybe a belly to match the ice cream, or a contrast between Helena and himself that says something about his hair or skin color or an age difference because he's sixty and she looks nineteen.

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent twist. Awesome theme. I'm a fan of the UK sci-fi series Humans, and this reminded me very much of that. *Smile*

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Very good pace. It doesn't feel too fast or too slow. Just right.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally clear and easy to follow, but a few editing notes and it could do with general tightening.

Notes

Helena looked at him and smiled in understanding. -> this sentence needs to begin a new paragraph because Alex has just spoken and now here you have a change in character, ie. it's Helena who is making the action, so she needs her own paragraph here. Tighter would be 'Helena nodded and smiled', and it would show rather than tell her understanding.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "It's over, Helena
-> you can easily make the tag shorter, eg. He took a deep breath. "It's over, Helena

"I don't understand," she said, a confused expression clouding her face
-> same again. -> understand." A confused expression clouded her face.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Given that this is flash fiction, there were lots of nice setting details. I'd recommend you mention that they're inside his house in the opening paragraph. I'd further suggest that you have the ice cream taste funky so that he can say it doesn't taste like what it used to. That would help show the deterioration of society etc. I mean, what's the point of civilization if you can't make decent CHocolate ice cream?! *Shock2*

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Awesome plot. Polish up the language and characters just a little bit and I'm sure you'll have a winner. *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
48
48
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello queenkissy!

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What I liked

It's interesting that you've taken the rhyming scheme of a classic ode but adapted the syllable count to your own line lengths. I love the word 'slithered' in the first line as it very clearly paints the ex-husband as a snake. 'Gum' was another excellent word choice. It says so much about how the wife feels, giving images of gum on the sidewalk being stepped on by passing strangers, and occasionally sticking to their shoes as an unwelcome clinger on. Great visual. You really make great use of your second and third stanzas to come to your violent resolution. I like that those two stanzas begin with night and end with morning. It helps bring your poem to a firm conclusion.

What might need work

I found the third line confusing. Prior to that, you'd established that the grammatical subject of the opening sentence is 'hate'. So, when you write 'Distracting me from you and the whore' it literally means that the hate you feel prevents you from seeing or thinking about the ex-husband or his mistress. It seems to me that the opposite is true - that the hate would make you think about them more. It couldn't be whispering revenge if it was distracting you from thinking about them, if you catch my meaning. Perhaps something more like 'Alerting me about you and your whore'.

I noted that you used ten syllables a line for the opening quatrain and five per line for the two tercets. Have you considered attempting to impose some form of meter to this?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

Your poem was powerful with some great word choices.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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49
49
Review of Twenty-Four  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, grey n!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Set up — is your chapter opening confusing?

*Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

When I re-read your chapter, the meaning of twenty-three was clear. However, on first read it meant nothing to me, and so I was forced to trawl through a paragraph of statements that I basically couldn't understand. In retrospect, it's a very clever paragraph. But on first read, it's offputting, I'm afraid. Your opening paragraphs need to hook your reader rather than confuse him.

But the greater problem with the opening is that the first seven long paragraphs are all 'telling' and not 'showing'. I'm not a 'telling' Nazi (sorry, couldn't resist that) who insists that all your story is shown and not told, but it's really difficult to engage and immerse readers in a chapter if all your first seven paragraphs do not set a specific scene and then SHOW the reader what's happening rather than telling them.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You have a series of fantastic characters with depth and personality. You might like to hint more about whether Mum has a job or not and what her interests are, a life beyond the plot, but it's clear what Oskar's and Johann's interests and beliefs are. The only negative thing I'd say about how you introduce Oskar is that you don't introduce his name until about two thirds of the way through the chapter and only use it the once. It's important to get the protagonist's name installed in the reader's head as soon as possible, and you do too little too late about that.

Plot — is it driving the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I'm giving you a high score for this because the actual main conflict of a gay boy avoiding being discovered by his Nazi father is really a great conflict. However, your opening hook is really weak due to a difficulty for the reader to comprehend and your end hook is very weak. Your chapter sort of trails off and goes nowhere in particular.

The main issue to me, though, was how much Oskar seems to know about the deaths in the camp etc. He only sees his father rarely, and his father can't write stuff like this in letters and is too distant a person to imagine a conversation about the murders he's committed. How is Oskar supposed to know all the secrets he does know, especially the specific number twenty-three?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

It's good after the first seven paragraphs, which are slow because it's all telling and nothing is actually happening.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's generally clear, but you need to understand the difference between show and tell. In my opinion, you do too much telling.

Notes

And to explain his duties to explain as such to Ingrid, a child,
-> this is very confusing and may be a 'copy and paste' error.

But as soon as my father returned, her eyes lost her shine, and her voice lost its melody.
-> this is a really well-written thought, but earlier the protagonist stated: "I didn't like that he came at all, but everyone else did." Isn't his mom part of 'everyone else'?

But she kept her head down, nodding smally to herself.
-> smally? did you mean mainly?

two pieces of meat four inches wide and six inches long, t
-> although the Germans do use 'inches' for some measurements, such as in plumbing fixtures, the metric system has been the official standard for most things since 1872, so a schoolboy measuriing vegetables is much more likely to use centimeters.

The picture of Uncle Sam was my favorite.
-> isn't it a huge risk for him to even own something like this, never mind display it openly?

I always hated it when my father was home.
-> this is 'telling' something that has already been shown and also 'told' before. It's redundant.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The setting is really well developed, but look out for issues such as what forms of measurement they use and the plausibility of an Uncle Sam poster on display. If he's so scared that he's got Hitler's pamphlet on his bedside cabinet, why would he risk an Uncle Sam poster on the wall?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

I really like the premise, main plotline, and characters of this story. Focus on how to 'show' your story on revision.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
50
50
Review of Sunset Melody  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! !

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What I liked

Gotta love the fade fade fade fade.

This certainly sounds like the song of our generation, Ken, looking back on that imagined Golden Age when there was less noise and light pollution and we were all back to nature (in your faded memories) and ignoring the better pain relief and life-changing technology we have now.

I love the rhythm of your song and the simple but effective flow of the theme and structure. You've often claimed to be iambically challenged, but this song is a near-perfect example of iambic tetrameter and well within the allowed variance from the standard form from classical poets like Shakespeare.

What might need work

I’m deaf from all the noise I think. -> I'd say place a comma before 'I think' since it's a tag to the preceding part of the sentence, but I'm just being fussy because I can't find any real errors.

As I drift off I still can hear -> This is actually the only point in the song where the iambic tetrameter really breaks down. To be honest, since these are lyrics and not actual poetry, I don't think it matters. The tune will carry this song by syllable count alone. But, since I'm reaching to find things to point out, you've used trochaic substitution for the first two feet, ie. / Xx / Xx / trochaic feet instead of the / xX / xX / iambic feet you've used elsewhere in the song. In fact, trochaic substitution is frequently found in a lot of mainstream poetry with iambic tetrameter or pentameter, so it's no big deal, but I thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't noticed.

The meter is also a bit loose in other places, eg. the shattering of someone’s dream, where the singer is forced to count '-ing' as a stressed syllable, but it isn't naturally so, and the memories that still uplift, where '-ies' is counted as a stressed syllable. However, in those cases, the rhythm naturally flows through anyway and they'd be absolutely fine set to music, imho.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This is a truly beautiful song. I couldn't find any real problems with it, and I found the chorus particularly beautiful with fantastic imagery.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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