\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robertbaker/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
101
101
Review of The Call  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello drgn_kpr!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Great opening hook. I particularly liked the hairs on the neck. Also, though it doesn't belong here, I loved the echo of the hairs in the concluding sentence.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Really, really good, particularly Mom. It would have been nice if you'd hinted at son's name and job along the way, just to round him out a bit. He is addressed once in the story by the despatcher, and she could have addressed him by name, for example. To be honest, I think you should have used more dialogue between son and people in order to SHOW the story better.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Love the plot. Love the resolution. Especially love the echo. Lots of good stuff in your story.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent pace. Just right.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You have great voice. However, you have quite a few issues, some of which I've noted below. I'd suggest you SHOW more of this story through dialogue between the protagonist and the other people. A lot of the time you only TELL the reader what the people said rather than showing it, eg. when the nurse in the hospital calls her Mom or Ma, you mention only this fact and not what was actually said. Using more speech would also allow us to learn the protagonist's name.

Notes:

A few years ago. These were the words I heard on the other end of an unusually timed phone call. The voice almost a whisper, “Um, son, I don't feel right”, the tone uncertain. - Why are the first four letters a seperate sentence? They don't even form a sentence. The end part also belongs in the same sentence, imho. Fragments are okay, but you have to be careful how and when and why you use them. Also, punctuation of speech belongs inside speech marks.

The woman I expected, whom is a little vain and always dressed and ready to go, - when used as a subjective pronoun "who" but objective "whom". This is subjective, ie. "who" is the subect of the verb "is" in your sentence, so "who" not "whom". So, for example, I might say, "This is the woman whom I expected," where "whom" is the object of "expected", but if you're establishing an intedendent clause with a secondary verb, "who". If in doubt, go with "who" since many people use it where they really should use "whom" anyway. The best trick I've heard to make sure you use the right one is to simply substitute the personal pronoun “he/him” or “she/her” for “who/whom.” If he or she would be the correct form, the proper choice is who.” If “him” or “her” would be correct, use “whom.”

http://web.ku.edu/~edit/whom.html

The frail grayish figure setting slumped in the chair was barely recognizable. - sitting, though, to be honest, you could just cut that verb anyroad, ie. The frail grayish figure slumped in the chair was barely recognizable.

Consider this paragraph as a whole:
The woman I expected, whom is a little vain and always dressed and ready to go, was nowhere in sight. The frail grayish figure setting slumped in the chair was barely recognizable. Her hair was disheveled and the lime green t-shirt and pink sweat pants didn't match. She had managed to slip on mismatched shoes. She was weak and incoherent. She was overly concerned about the shoes. The tattered house shoe and white flat seemed to dominated her entire thought processes. She kept asking if the shoes were okay, they didn't match? She could not figure out why. The shoes were upsetting her.
Can you see how many "to be" verbs you used in just one paragraph here? Now, I'm not against use of this verb where necessary, but you have to be careful. It's the weakest verb possible, and there are hundreds of other verbs to choose from. Try to select the strongest verb possible in each sentence. If you've got this many "to be" verbs in paragraph, look to see how it might be written so that stronger verbs come into play.

She addressed my mother as "mom ma”, confidently stating, - when she uses Mom and Ma as proper nouns, capitalise.

The adrenaline left, the fuel rods of the reactor were spent. - just as an example of how to write with stronger verbs, consider: The adrenaline depleted, the reactor fuel rods spent.

All the power that was generated to coupe with the past 20 minutes evaporated as - several points here. "cope" not "coupe". When using small numbers, always put them in writing not numerals. Only put long numbers, telephone numbers, reference numbers or numbers in names into narrative, eg. C3P0 and R2D2. You DON'T always need to use "was". Consider: All the power generated to cope with the past twenty minutes evaporated as

Enter every emotion known to man and those yet fully described. - those NOT yet

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Loved the rural community you described in your story.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Awesome ideas about close knit communities and friendship as well as family.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

This is a fantastic story. I really wanted to give it 5 *Star*, but the narrative contains a few too many mistakes and issues.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
102
102
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Redlive122!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You do have an excellent opening hook. There's a dragon, and the dragon is making a lot of noise. That's cool.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Stella is a cute kid, but to make this really work you also have to make her "sympathetic". That means that Stella must have some quality about her that makes the reader care about her from the very beginning. Typical features used in stories with young protagonists is that their parents have divorced or died, or they're being bullied at school, or they're ill. Think Harry Potter (orphan, being bullied by his cousin and forced to live in a cupboard). Think Jane Eyre (parents dead, bullied by her cousins, hit by one of them in the opening chapter). Think Hazel Grace (dying of cancer). Think Katniss Everdene and how she cares more about her sister's life than her own.

It might work better if you refer to Sora with the masculine pronoun from the beginning rather than saying it. It's clear that Stella knows that Sora is male, so if we're in her head, and Sora is her friend, she'll think of him as a he not an it.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

It's a cute story, the girl getting to ride her dragon, but the problem is that for a story to really be a story then there needs to be some conflict. That doesn't mean that there has to be fighting, it means that there has to be some obvious struggle or fight for the character to achieve something. Now, the conflict in your story at the moment is that Stella wants to fly, but Sora won't take her. However, the conflict is very, very subtle. Stella doesn't seem that bothered about it. We don't get the impression from the beginning of the story that Stella's main ambition in life ever is to fly.

What might make better additional conflict would be if Stella's parents DID NOT want her to play with her imaginary friend, so Stella has to sneak away to do it. This was used at the beginning of Harry Potter where Harry wanted to do magic, but his family didn't want him to do any.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Except for the rather swift ending, the pacing is fairly fast. It would feel faster and more exciting if there were a little more conflict in the story, imho.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Generally, your narrative is clear and easy to follow. You do tend to use a lot of redundant words, ie. words that don't actually tell the reader something they don't already know.
"ROAR!" The beast roared, the sound so loud it must have woke up everyone in the city - beware repeating information in narrative. If the sound is "roar" then there's no point also using it as a verb. The word "sound" is also redundant. Try to make each word you use useful in some way to guide the reader into your story, eg. "ROAR!" The noisy beast must have woken everybody in the city.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I would like to know a little bit more about where this place is, what the scenery is like etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Little girl riding a dragon is cute, but think about ways you can expand the theme, eg. if the little girl is bullied or neglected by her parents, for example.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I enjoyed reading this, but it could do with being more of a story and less of a cute account of a girl riding a dragon. Think about ways in which to increase conflcit. In Pete's Dragon, loggers were going to destroy the dragon's home. In How to Catch your Dragon the people were afraid of dragons so the protagonist had to hide his love of dragons from them.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
103
103
Review of When Life Happens  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello LadyK!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's interesting that they are quads, but nothing in the opening really raised a huge question in my head. The conflict implied by his inability to sleep was a nice touch, though.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Although your characters were interesting, there were, imho, far too many of them in such a short piece, so I got quite lost attempting to figure out who was who. Giving all four brothers "similar" names and then using them in the opening section was particularly confusing, and in a scene that potentially could have introduced their individual characters very well, instead I had no idea what was going on. If these guys are supposed to be princes or other high ranking members of the aristocracy, the ranks mentioned or implied did not seem to reflect their high status.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

There was a lot going on in this story, but no actual resolution or clear central conflict or protagonist. It read more like a chapter in a longer work than a short story, but the contest you entered it into is for short stories or poems.

The appearance of all the brothers from different branches of the military at the same time in the same place just in time for their sister's birthday seemed a bit too much of a coincidence, imho.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

The constant scene switching from place to place is very artistic and sets a nice mood. Unfortunately, it completely destroys the pace so that there's no sense of progress through the chapter/story.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your narrative is easy to follow, but there are multiple distracting errors. Here are a few sample notes:

He began to whistle his favorite Hymnal, “amazing grace” and looked at his - put the names of songs or books into italics and use capital initials, ie. Amazing Grace

Then, just when he was about to look at his watch again, the front gate began to squeal open and the army trucks began piling in - this was just a short while after he "began to whistle". Try not to use the same constructions over and over. Also, "triked to", "started to" and "bagan to" often don't add any meaning to narrative, so they're simply stall words. Consider: Then, just as he made to check his watch again, the front gate squealed open and the army trucks rolled through.

“you weren’t sleep, were you?” - "You weren't asleep, were you?" - begin spoken sentences with a capital.

Alex walks out the room and closes the door. Nickolas rolled on his back and dozed off to sleep. - there are a lot of places in your narrative where you use one tense in one sentence then swap to a different tense in the second for no obvious reason. Here, you use present tense "walks" and "closes" then past tense "rolled" and "dozed".


Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The locations were each sketched so briefly that I don't even know what country I'm in and what nationality these people are. I can't even get a sense of time setting. For example: “Nickolas, put the sword down! its us…your comrades.” - it's us - if there are fighter planes and army trucks, and the guys have European style names, what's with the sword? I'm guessing this is second world war, since the aircraft are specifically described as fighters and I don't think there were a great variety of aircraft in WWI. But, I'm no expert. I'm just pointing out that I didn't get a specific time and place feeling from this narrative.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The theme of siblings fulfilling different roles and destinies in war is an interesting one.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

If you smoothed out the narrative by doing less scene swapping and used less characters per chapter/story, then I think this could work well.


Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
104
104
Review of The Portal  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Hossman !

I'm here to review your short story "The Portal" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The hand grabbing him and the alien creatures create a strong opening hook. The begining is momentarily confusing, though. It might be clearer if you begin a moment before when he's considering whether or not to step through, ie. use the appearance of the portal in his home as the opening hook. By setting it somewhere people understand, like in an ensuite bathroom, this lets the reader know that the story is beginning in our real, mundane world before you introduce the fantasy element.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

We get to know a lot of interesting things about Johnny. He's a mischievous prankster, and a curious person. He's clearly young. However, there are lots of key things about him that are not really established. Is he a kid or an adult? What does he look and dress like? Does he have a job? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he have a hobby? To make him a realistic character, you need some hints about a life beyond the plot, and so the reader can visualise him, we need a few hints about what he looks like. You don't have to provide a police service photo id and profile or even a cv, but just hints as the story progresses, such as for example the portal appearing beside his Skrillex poster, which would hint that he's a teen and into dubstep music, for example.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I thought that this was a novel idea and very well put together, especially the setting details. I'm very impressed.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I felt the opening came a bit quick, but otherwise the pace was perfect.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your language is clear and your voice distinctive. I noted a few minor issues:

“Where is ‘here’,” Johnny asked. The air tasted metallic and Johnny’s throat began to scratch. - don't forget question marks to end questions, even in dialogue. Watch out for stall words or constructions like "began to" since it adds nothing to the story. I think you meant "itch" not "scatch" at the end.

We look for people that do things that they are not supposed to do, that seem to have a hard time listening, that sometimes make things a bit difficult for those around them. - there are two interchangeable non-specific pronouns often used in clauses: who and that. Generally, "who" is considered the better pronoun to use when refering to a person, though "that" is allowed also. Sometimes a sentence becomes clearer when "who" is used, but then sometimes a sentence sounds better when "that" is used. The sentence you wrote here would probably be clearer with "who", eg. We look for people who do things that they are not supposed to do, who seem to have a hard time listening, who sometimes make things a bit difficult for those around them.

You’re in the big leagues now - big league, singular. Also, you may wish to capitalise Creator.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent settings, using the objects and smells to show the character of the people in this "universe". Very creative.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

This was original, and also helps show how people can impact upon other people's lives. Nicely done.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I really liked this story. It was original and querky. If you strengthened the character and narrative a little, it could be perfect.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
105
105
Review of The Lion Head  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello ladyverdandi!

I'm here to review your short story "The Lion Head" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

On first read, this was an excellent hook. However, the problem with "question hooks" is that you must deliver on them, ie. you must provide the reader with the information questioned in the opening. Here, the Craig's list advert implies she has applied randomly for a job on the internet. However, think this through. How could a random job application possibly lead to a meeting with her husband? You need a clearer link or the hook will not "stand" a second read through. Think about this. All the best novels you've ever read, or poems for that matter, you read multiple times.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

It's difficult to introduce characters in first person narrative because it's near impossible to get their names in in a manner that reads as natural. The obvious technique is through dialogue, but you don't have any. Another way to do it would be for her to read a docment addressed to her, like the texts she receives, so she can read her own name there. Her referring to herself as "old girl" made me think she was elderly for awhile. If there's an element of a person's character that's really important to the plot, it should be foreshadowed. Here, she's a widow. In the opening, you mention a black hat, but it's not obvious that there's a signifcance. Have her think about her "widdow's weeds" or something so that the connection becomes clear, otherwise the final punchline won't work.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I do like the plot, but it really needs more foreshadowing to make it work. In particular, I'd like to see some sad thoughts from the protagonist in the beginning about her loneliness. I mean, you did have something about her having to move out fast from the place she was in before, so I thought that maybe she'd had a bad divorce, but you really didn't make it clear. I would have thought under these circumstances her husband would dominate her thoughts rather than being on the periphery.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

It does drag a bit leaving her apartment and then goes a bit too fast with the meeting at the end. But, generally, the pace is good.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

The narrative is generally clear and I can follow it, but please do watch out for typos. There's a few places where the mistakes are obviously miss-keys. Note also that you use zero dialogue in spite of ample opportunity for the lady to say things in the story, especially in the climactic moment.

In the opening paragraph, the little speech to herself would look better presented in speech marks, imho. Plus, you missed a fine opportunity there to introduce the protagonist's name by her using it rather than Old Girl.

apartment, I pick up the cup of cold coffee and took a long drink as I looked over to the two leather duffel - watch out for unusual tense shifts in your verbs. Here you have a sentence that was originally in past tense, becomes present, then slips back into past. You often swap between past and present tense in your narrative, often within the same sentence.

The strangers request was a odd one. Even bazar. - watch for sneaky homophones. "bazar" means marketplace. stranger's - possessive apostrophe

I locked the door behind me as I headed down the old buildings long hallway - even common nouns take a possessive apostrophe, ie. building's long hallway. Beware of temporal confusion. Here, using "as" you signal to the reader that two events are happening simultaneously, but it's impossible for her to both lock the door and head down the hallway at the same time.

I sighed again and wondered why I felt this was right move - missing definite article: "was the right move". Beware filter words, like "I felt". Once your narrative viewpoint is established,

I Joggle up the map as I hand the vendor a couple bucks for the coffee as I looked across to the bench. - in this sentence, the double use of "as" means she's doing three things at exactly the same moment. You use "as" frequently in your story. Beware "crutch" words that you rely on too much, and ensure you know what they actually mean.

Slowing and throwing food to the birds there. - where you can do so without over repetition or increasing word count, be specific about things like "bird". You see, "bird" is a very abstract common noun that means something different to every reader. Using a specific word can significantly add to setting and the image in a reader's head. For example, here if you used "duck" then not only would the reader have a more specific image of a bird, they'd also imagine a pond there without it being mentioned.

I opened it up to read. I know your there. Now leave there. - when quoting texts, use quotation marks. Also, note your -> you're, unless you wish to imply that the sender is really informal.

What the hell was I doing. - always use question marks for questions.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Setting was generally very solid. The only thing I'd say is beware too many adjectives to qualify the same noun when describing things. For example: "the streets corner fancy cement trash can," - five words to qualify one noun; poor Stephen King would have a heart attack! *Laugh*

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Love the theme. If you can strengthen narrative, plot and character, you'll have a good story.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I do like your story, but there are a lot of improvements required, imho, especially with narrative. Practice is key. You have good ideas, so just keep writing them down and getting reviews so that after a while you'll probably write some awesome stories!

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
106
106
Review of Talbata's Tavern  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Rovera !

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The opening paragraph sets the scene, but it doesn't really contain either conflict, a big question the reader wants answered, or an extremely interesting point that grabs the reader's attention. Later there's implication of conflict between different groups using the inn, and you might like to imply said conflcit in your opening paragraph in order to create the conflict.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Talbata is clearly the star of this story, and she really is a character. You have successfully hinted at her skills and personality. However, you don't really explain why she left her village, which is an interesting question for anybody, and also don't show what she looks like. To say she's a "halfling" doesn't really do this. I mean, I presume you mean she's a hobbit, but if so there's so much more you can do to show her short stature or perhaps her initial discomfort at sleeping above ground until she got used to it etc.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star*

This read more like the introduction to a character than an actual story. The conflict is incidental and peripheral to the main focus of showing the character's personality and lifestyle. That's not always a bad thing, for example as a novel chapter, but here where you're presenting a really short, short story, some strong central conflict plus resolution would be nice.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star*

Because there's no central conflict and it's mainly description, it doesn't feel like much is happening.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Some beautiful description and generally clear. However, this is a mainly told scene rather than showing a story in the moment it's happening. It's always looking backward at a general and almost abstract series of events unconnected by a clear timeline.

She would say cheerfully, with sweat springing from the bandana that she would always wear. - sometimes it's necessary to use a weak verb for tense or "voice", but don't use them when you don't have to, and especially don't use two in one sentence. - She'd say with a grin, sweat dripping from her bandana.

These and other countless less memorable events ironically increased the fame of the place, therefore attracting more adventurers, in a vicious cycle. - why use "vicous cycle" when she's clearly happy about the inn being busy and a spring of gold?

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Great details, but don't forget sensory information, such as the stench of the city when compared to the Shire and the smell of minotaur blood on the balcony etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

THere are some nice, original ideas in here, such as the cool oven.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

If this were a story chapter, I'd grade it higher because in many ways it's a fine piece of writing with an interesting protagonist. As a stand alone story, I don't think it really works. It really feels part of something much bigger, and incomplete on its own, imho.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
107
107
Review of Consequence  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello EK_H !

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

The opening sentence is great, because you raise an interesting question that will hook many readers. However, the following paragraph inserts character information in a mini-infodump, which is redundant by the third paragraph because you SHOW the protagonist's enthusiasm for the Newspaper Club. If she wasn't as shown in the second paragraph, she wouldn't be so enthusiastic. So, if you just launch into her enthusiasm when she discovers there's a club in the second paragraph, you don't need the background on her folders for school work. The fact that she's in tenth grade can be slipped into the Newspaper Club paragraph just as easily. The current opening sentence of the third paragraph is completely redundant. Since it's obvious what the Newspaper Club does, you're wasting words and slowing the pace by defining it and stating the obvious. Just launch into action and you'll be fine, and the opening pace will be much improved.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Erika is fairly well developed, but I felt it would have been nice to know more about June before the "scandal" was suggested to Erika. If June was presented as some kind of saint, and SHOWN doing something nice for Erika before this moment, it would have made the event more powerful in the reader's mind. As it was, it felt like the information was only being presented when it became relevant for plot progression rather than being foreshadowed.

The largest problem with Erika's character is that she isn't particularly sympathetic in the beginning (ie. you do nothing to SHOW that she's a good person; you expect the reader to assume she's good because she's the narrator) and then she turns out to be a really nasty person at the climactic part of the story.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

There's certainly a strong plot line. Once the headmaster's ultimatum is given, you have great conflict. However, the climactic moment felt a little implausible. I mean, if you're going to make up a nasty story, why pick on your best friend when there's a million unpopular people at school you're not best friends with whom you could pick on? You'd have to be the dumbest person in the world to pick on your best friend and expect them not to find out when it's actually in writing and distributed to everybody in the school.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Except for a bit of info dumping in the beginning, the story as a whole feels fast paced.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your narrative is generally error free and easy to follow, so the following specific comments are on style:

When I found out that my school had a Newspaper Club, my reaction was something that occurred once in a blue moon. - not an error. But, since your narrative is generally error free, I'm gonna talk a bit about style. First rule of thumb. With words like "that" or "now" or "just" that appear frequently in narrative but often have no true purpose, cover them with your thumb and then read the sentence aloud. If the sentence sounds perfectly fine without that word, delete that redundant word. Here, for example, you use two "that" in one sentence. The second is essential to meaning, but the first is just along for the ride.

Each student in the club had an assigned role. My best friend, June, was the person typing the stories for the newspapers, a senior, Zack, was the leader of the club, a few others worked on piecing the newspaper together, and I was the reporter of the club. - consider the chronology of your story. You've begun as if you've just stumbled across the club. However, here it appears you must have been a member for a while because your best friend is in charge of typing. It's not feasible that you only just learned about the club if your best friend is a member, so a serious amount of time must have ellapsed before this point. I'm just going to use this small section as an example of where you can use tighter prose. Remember that your reader is an intelligent person and you've already established that you're specifically speaking about a club.

Each student occupied an assigned role. A senior, Zack, edited the paper. My best friend, June, typed the stories. Others pieced our publication together, and I acted as reporter. - One thing you really want to avoid is using "was" as the main verb in every sentence.

I felt like the tension increased on me tenfold. - pressure might be a better word

I responded, “Really?! You found a story?! Tell me, please!” - story writing, though it often employs slang words and contractions for "voice" is actually "formal writing". It's generally better to avoid overuse of exclamation marks in stories as overexposure lessens their impact. Never use them beside a question mark as you might in a text or online comment. There are, of course, some avant-garde writers who use experimental forms of text in their writing. However, they are usually popular writers who have already amassed a fan base using more traditional writing styles. Learn formal writing rules first, then break them to achieve better effect in your stories rather than randomly.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star*

Except for the club room, the setting is minimal. You never engage sensory information, such as temperature, smells, tastes, touch etc. When setting information was presented, it was given as a list rather than SHOWN as the protagonist moves through the story, as part of her environment.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The theme that lying will lose you friendships is a great one.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your premise is a good one, but you might like to think about plausibility. Think about, for example, if the victim was a kind person shown to be nice to other people but NOT a friend of the protagonist, in which way the protagonist's actions would be more plausible. She could still meet the victim in the library later, and it might actually be a more powerful moment if she discovered that this person was a "real" person she'd hurt in that moment rather than knowing her as a person before the event.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
108
108
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Jackalion Roarsing!


I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

Each of your four quatrains is individually wonderful and well balanced. Each contains a clever "hidden" and quite enigmatic though ambiguous message. They could all be read in several completely different ways. The three that use mono rhyme are really strong, structurally speaking.

What I feel may need improvement.

It's difficult to say what exactly doesn't work about this poem, but I feel that there is something amiss. My feeling is that there are potentially two problems, though both may be intentional.

First, you use three different narrative perspectives, which makes it difficult for a reader to really engage with the poem and achieve that suspension of disbelief that Coleridge recommended. You begin second person, flip to first for the second quatrain, then third for the other two.

Second, the order of the stanzas feels off, to me. Within each quatrain, you have a perfect flow of thoughts coming to a clear conclusion, like every stanza is a poem by itself. But the flow from stanza to stanza doesn't follow an obvious direction.

I'm a little concerned about the different structure of the second stanza. Usually such a huge departure from the standard would be used to indicate a particular importance to that verse, yet I'm struggling to work out what it is.

The title seems a tad boring for a poem can contains several really cool bits within.

Conclusion.

I love some of the ideas in this poem, especially the treasured mishap any sap can find.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

FORUM
Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest Open in new Window. (13+)
Opening in January for entries!
#1873271 by ~ Santa Sisco ~ Author IconMail Icon


Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
109
109
Review of a day in the rain  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhyssa!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

i like that u is riting about the Earth an encourigin others to fink more about our planet an all the awesome fings what are in it an that.

i specially like how u is makin ur body like the fings what u r talkin about from nature — hair as river/nothing but water/I am the rain etc.

ur poem as proper cool flow, like the "water cycle" what u is usin in the body of ur poem 4 a central feme fingy, whatever feme means.

i wish i cud rite proper gud like what u can.

What might need work

rite. well, u as this feme fing what starts wiv rain wiv salt in it cos that rain is come from the sea first, yeah? But then u talks about evaporatin an goin up to the clouds. Why not just keep wiv the water cycle an fink about flowin into the stream, then into the river, then into the sea, like what the cycle does in school books, if u evah waisted time in school or college an that. i mean, u as this proper gud summary in the last ?stanza r they called? u says:

I am the rain
and the cloud
and the dew
and the sea
and the woman with bare feet

but fink ow instead u cud have ritten like:

I am the stream
and the river
and the sea
and the cloud
and the rain
and the woman with bare feet

C? is the "water cycle" fingy, yeah?

oh, an, this bit:

a hint of salt it caught on my skin
on its way down my throat.

i fink what u meant to say woz "…caught on my skin / on its way TO my throat." cos, if u fink about it, water can't get salt from ur skin when it's on its way down ur throat, can it? it can only get salt b4 ur throat. an, besides, u can't taste it once it's in ur throat cos it's past ur taste bud fingys, yeah?

on another note, it wud b nice if u cud enter this into "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window., though u wud ave to edit it so it woz less lines cos u av 38 an the limit there is 20. but, u cud join ur lines easy nuff, i fink. wud b nice if u did, i fink.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
110
110
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Lisa Noe

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

Awesome theme about the beauty and majesty of Creation, and our evil part in its demise. Well done, Lisa!

What might need work

In the forum, Ken noted that you have too many lines in your poem for the contest, 35 when the maximum allowed is 20. Well, my dear, I has a naughty trick what i use when people set me a line limit like that. Watch dis:

God’s dream fulfilled; green Earth, blue seas - capitalise Earth - tis a name, my dear.
Fowl of the sky, fish of the ocean;animals of every sort on land,
And then there is man; God gave us the world, one of His most precious gifts. - capitalise pronouns relating to God

What must God think of we, His children?
We take God’s beautiful gift, His Creation, - I'd tend to capitalise Creation" in this context, though it's not necessary
We destroy it with everything that we do.
We pollute the air, The land,
The streams and seas.
The mountains laid bare with the destruction of trees.
What must God think of you and of me?

Coal stripped from the land, oil polluting the ground, - consider oil slipping into the ground to echo "coal stripped"
Pouring into the ocean — too many barrels to count.
Little creatures becoming extinct, because we hunt them for sport.
Nuclear and chemical warfare we seek!
This is what God must see when He sees us: "My children are bringing about their own demise." - capitalise pronouns that relate to God and present His thoughts in speech marks here.

Look around you, tears will then fall, because we take from God’s gift , - comma before "tears"
Throw it back in His face, then we say we’re the smartest, - consider: then we say we're smarter.
The human race; but we are the ones who will cause us to lose all - note "ones" NOT one's
God lowers His head and says “it is finished”.

19 lines, innit!
Note that I merely changed your punctuation and arrangement a bit to ensure it was less than 20 lines. Always works for me, my dear. *Wink*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
111
111
Review of Wake Up!  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Sweetcheeks!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

Well, you, obviously. But, aside from you, darling, I also love the awesome flow of your theme here. I love how you begin with conflict, challenging the "authority" of those who dare claim climate change isn't happening. Then you go on to present examples of your proof over a spread of three quatrains before arriving at your concluding stanza, where you issue a challenge to your reader — a classic "call to action".

Almost as awesome as you, gorgeous! *BigSmile*

What might need work

that “climate change is just untrue. - if you're going to present it as direct speech, punctuate it as direct speech, ie. that: “Climate change is just untrue.

In the line "not meekly yield our kid’s birthright" I think you meant kids' birthright.

In the line "The earth needs help, not an f-ing tweet" capitalise the Earth and consider making it an effing tweet so that the use of "an" there is clear.

Thank you for sharing!

Love,

B-B-Bobby *Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
112
112
Review of Acts of Green  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

I love that you're highlighting a very specific campaign in which anybody reading your poem may become involved. The acrostic style you use is clear to follow and your theme wonderful. Some of your lines are brilliant, such as "Cut down the trees without a reforestation plan" and "Treated climate change as a mass hallucination". You begin and end with very salient questions thus highlighting what Earth Day is all about.

What might need work

The line "Each individual can create an Act of Green" sounds awkward to me. Consider "can commit"

"Each step we take toward pollutions reduction" - either write "pollution's reduction" with a possessive apostrophe or simply write "pollution reduction".

"Now can have an affect the lives the next generation" - awkward line. Consider: "Now can impact the lives of the next generation" or even more confidently, "Now will impact the next generation's lives."

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
113
113
Review of Decaying Beauty  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Winnie Kay!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year. Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

The image that welcomes me onto the page is sublime. Really well chosen and positioned.

I've never come across the Villonnet Form before, but I must try it during NaPoWriMo. It appears to be like a mini villanelle crossed with a sonnet, ie. almost a sonnet bar one extra line to change the end couplet into a tercet, and using refrains in the same way as in a villanelle. Very challenging, but you made great use of the refrains, which work in every postion you have them, ie. they never sound out of place.

Reading aloud, the iambic pentametre is perfect, and the d- alliteration and e assonance used in the two refrains is wonderful. You make good use of these devices elsewhere, particularly in the line "as summer shades prepare to fade away" where we see the "a" assonance in four consecutive stressed syllables.

The theme is fantastic, flowing smoothly and coming to a strong resolution in the tercet where the "moral" of the necessity of death to bring in new life is made clear.

What might need work

I'm struggling here to find anything that might be improved upon. *Laugh*

Consider "Grieve not the changing of the ebbing day". This is the only place in the poem where you don't have exactly perfect iambic pentametre, ie. you begin with a spondee. Well, of course, there's nothing at all wrong with that, and I'm only pointing it out because I'm desperate to find something to "improve", and you may well have deliberately chosen to use a spondee to emphsise the imperative command in this sentence. However, if you wanted, you could just as well write "Don't grieve the changing…" and then the stronger stress on "grieve" would give you an iamb. *Whistle*

*Laugh* Honestly, there's nothing I can find that would improve this beautiful poem! *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
114
114
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, iKïyå§ama!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year. Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

I love that you've taken the time to run this activity which encourages WDC members not only to think about environmentail issues, but also leads to other WDC members not involved directly in the challenge being encouraged with their writing relating to the environment. That's awesome!

I particularly like the links you provide to other websites that promote green policies. Great idea.

The fact that you offer great prizes and allow a wide range of different levels and types of involvement with the activity is wonderful.

The overall appearance of the forum page is welcoming and attractive.

With the specific review images and review group etc, you've really put a lot of thought into the set up of this contest.

What might need work

This is a really important activity, so I feel it could have been advertised a bit more in advance, in particularly I would have liked to have seen all the preceding newsletters of every kind mentioning Earth Day in their write up and perhaps refering to famous poems etc, eg. Fantasy could have referenced any novels which reflect on the destruction of the Earth by humans, such as The 100, Poetry could have mentioned Robert Frost's Fire and Ice etc. I'm sure that you're friends with many newsletter authors and could have enlisted their support with this.

When I arrived to join up, I felt that the actual start time of the writing/creative element was unclear and felt it necessary to ask for clarification. Maybe make it clearer in the rules. It's not a problem in the "review" section, where the start time and date is clear, but in the "crative" section, where the end time is clear, but not the start time.

The division between "poetry in 20 lines or less OR fiction, article (non-fiction) or prose (1,000 words or less)" is, to me, confusing. As far as I'm aware, any writing that isn't poetry is, by definition, prose, whether it's factual or fictional. Perhaps just state: "poetry in 20 lines or less OR fiction, article (non-fiction) or short story (1,000 words or less)", and similar for instructions on how to post entries to the forum.

When the challenge was first opened, a selection of WINNERS were highlighted in the forum. Casual visitors to the forum may, therefore, have incorrectly believed that the activity had already ended. I recommend that next time you run this activity you make it clear that the winners on display are LAST TIME'S WINNERS.

I hope these suggestions prove useful.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" Open in new Window.*LeafG*
115
115
Review of Intuition  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Strong opening hook. Sarah has a magical power plus she's unpopular because of it, making her a wonderful sympathetic character.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Sarah is introduced well and is certainly a sympathetic character. However, we don't have much of an idea what she looks like physically at any stage or her interests and activities beyond work. The teddy bear is a very nice touch, though, and I thought the technical details about her work were fantastic.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star*

This story, especially its resolutioon, seemed rather surreal. To be honest, I don't think I really get it. Plus, it seems strange that you heavily foreshadow her precognition and then don't use it. The "dream" of the second scene feels very different in tone/mechanism to the intuition/precognition of the first scene, really quite unrelated. If you're going to use the precognition, it needs to work in the same way in both scenes, I feel.

However, there are elements which are really good, such as the way she was recruited into the unit through spotting the problem nobody else did. That was really cool.

Now, I can't write this story for you, but I can say what I'd have done at the end there to create a clearer resolution. Use it or ignore it. Since you've established her "intuition", why not have her open the bag and then wake up in her own bed with the teddy in her arms and a passport and airplane tickets on the nightstand beside her waiting for her early morning flight. You wouldn't need to go any further than that. The reader would easily then gain an idea that her precognition was about to save her life. (Don't know why I'm telling you this since I suspect that this resolution will make your stories one of the best in the contest, so you'll win another one! *Sob*)

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Pacing is good and fast.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally clear and easy to follow. Only one note, strangely:

Sarah felt her face burn and Natalie gave her an “I told you so” look. - "felt" is filtering. If you simply state "Sarah's cheeks burned" we'll get it. Note that Jody would tell you that you need a comma before "and" here because you're joining two independent clauses.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The first scene, in the school, isn't well grounded. There's no real scene setting at all. Also, it seems rather abstract in the sense that it is never really tied in to the main timestream. It's presented in the opening paragraph as a "memory of a childhood conversation", but then you never return to a present in which she's having said memory.

The second scene is much clearer, though the very end becomes fuzzy when it's unclear whether this is real or imagined.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The Carrie style "girl sidelined for acting weird" theme of the beginning is pretty cool.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

This story has a solid beginning and centre, but the resolution is a complete fog to me. Usually, your stories have a clear and powerful resolution, so this one didn't work for me. I mean, there's noting wrong with a fluffy, cuddly teddy bear, but it would have been better if the bear had saved her life rather than returning to her in her death, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
116
116
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Black Widow!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

I loved the flow of your poem and the theme it follows. I especially liked the concluding lines, how they kinda address the reader sideways to remind them that anybody can succumb to problems and slip away from mainstream society. If it were not for the rhyming (which I like because I'm more of a structured poetry kinda guy) I'd say that this reads a little like Silvia Plath.

What I feel may need improvement.

In your brief description, did you mean "dialect" or did you really mean "dialogue" or even "discourse"?

Conclusion.

This is a great poem and worthy of its placing in Sally's contest. You should really enter something into the newbies contest listed below and, given what I've seen in your portfolio, I think you should especially check out:

FORUM
Shadows and Light Poetry Contest Open in new Window. (E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut Author IconMail Icon


Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

"Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
117
117
Review of Way Home !  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Kalai!

What I liked

I saw you in Dew Drop a Day and thought I'd come visit your port.

This poem is fantastic!

I love the theme of your poem. My favourite part is the young daughter's question at the end. I think people need to know a little of history before they can truly understand the incredible depth of meaning that is to be found in her deceptively simple words. You make excellent use of his statue as a metaphor when you show him as a key landmark along the path home. Gandhi truly showed the people of India home, and they then ignored his warnings and pleas and took a different path from the unified paradise he envisioned that today would be the most populous and powerful nation in the world, but instead is divided into many less stable parts. The people should indeed have followed his smile home, instead of turning around and shattering his dreams in the end.

What might need work

Be aware that speech end punctuation belongs inside speech marks, like: "Please show me, Kalai."

The period at the end of your poem isn't necessary. You already have a question mark inside the speech marks.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
118
118
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello von Wahrenberger

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your story.

What I liked.

Great take on the "monster" story. Strong viewpoint narration. I abandonned my usual review template for this one because it's mainly perfect with only a few typos and possible style issues, which I presume are only due to this being an earlier draft rather than something you're ready to publish. Most are very minor, though some definitely need changing, especially the copious number of typos in the second half of your story.

What I feel may need improvement.

There are no big issues, of course. I'm just going to lay out my notes here in case there's anything you'd like to edit.

“Yours is a world that rejects the Sermon on the Mount and - you might like to put titles in italics.

He grabbed her cage and began to shake it violently - later on in the story, you use 'began to' quite frequently, so whenever you don't actually need this 'stall' construction, I'd suggest you don't use it. I mean, when you write 'He grabbed her cage' it's obvious that the action has just begun, so why state it?

“Frankenstein! You’re the monster!” - not an error as such, but a minor style point. By the end of the second paragraph, you've already used six exclamation marks. The nature of what is being said already conveys his manner of speaking, so they are really not all necessary. As I'm sure your editors told you before, the more you use exclamation marks, the less impact they have.

she yelled holding onto the cage bars in fear of her life - you leave it a little late to establish her as the viewpoint narrator, imho. Since the first, long paragraph is entirely the monster's speech and actions, the reader will have assumed he's the viewpoint by now.

pushed the suspended cage away from him, causing it to swing around the basement layer like a pendulum. - the image this placed in my head was of a small cage she's squeezed into. Later, he walks inside the cage and it becomes aparent it's actually much bigger. It's a little confusing at that later point.

. Now no more than a burned out hulk that a pedestrian eye is blind too. - 'to' at the end there.

will retire to my penthouse and sleep for a time. - 'sleep awhile' might work better here

He built a table ergonomically, at waist level to encompass the bookshelf that radiuses the three walls facing the cage door. - this sentence has tense issues with 'built' and 'radiuses'. Read it aloud and you'll hear what I mean.

“For a big thing you move quiet!” she bit and unfolded herself from a fetal position - did you mean 'she snapped and unfolded'? 'bit' sounds a little strange to me

He went to the bookshelf and began to scan the spines, and after he pulled three off the shelf, he walked into the laboratory that inhabited another part of the basement and began to turn on his contraptions - two uses of 'began' in one sentence is a bit much. Consider spliting this long sentence at 'spines, and after' and beginning the new sentence simply, 'After he pulled' because otherwise you have two uses of 'and' as a conjunction and an awkward sounding sentence overall.

She tried to lunge at him as he opened the cage door and deposited the sustenance - cause before effect to keep narrative chronological, ie. As he opened the cage door, she lunged at him. - 'tried to' is another 'stall' construction which adds little to meaning.

“A century of practice my pet,” - comma before 'my pet'

He motioned to the tabletop that had the heavy large caliber revolver it - missing word at the end. 'revolver upon it'?

charms my intent; it’s you hands that allure my gentle attentions.” - 'your hands' - semi colons are a bit unnatural in speech, which is usually more 'bitty'.

“Correct again my pet. - again, comma before 'my pet'

“According to my friends that are well versed in the passing science of psychology - up until now, the monster's voice has been educated in tone. The use of 'that' as a pronoun rather than 'who' is not incorrect, but odd from someone who speaks like him.

He got up from the makeshift stool,- 'rose' would be a stronger verb choice

Her heart sank as she watched him leave she needed those tools - new sentence at 'she needed'

Then silences, followed b - 'silences' or singular 'silence'?

"My names Jill, not pet,” - name's, a contraction of 'name is'

as she examined the destroy weapon - destroyed/obliterated - just a tense issue

Personally pet I think the King James Version is one of the most beautiful English translations - offset 'pet' with commas.

In your paradigm is correctness and splendor an equivalency? - 'paradigm are correctness'

It would be a shame to have such pretty hands wasted on such and empty head.” - 'such an empty'

Again, she spastically hid her hands under her armpits. - I'm not sure about the US, but the adjective you used there is considered highly offensive over here.

“Time for your walk pet,” he laughed. - comma before 'pet'. He laughed is a separate sentence, ie. pet." He laughed

At least there I had a bed and nobody watched me piss on a wall!” - hmm. Her anatomy must be quite unique. *Laugh*

“There’s never an end to protecting the world from evil!” - consider: There's no (statute of) limitation on protecting (optional bit)

she lunged at the cage and began shaking the bars. - she does this rather a lot, and it becomes tedious. Can't she do anything else, any other action? Must she 'begin' every time she does it?

, you are your brothers keeper.” - brother's - possessive apostrophe

YOU MIGHT LIKE TO CONSIDER POSTING SMALLER SECTIONS OF YOUR STORY. AT THIS POINT I BECAME TIRED OF POINTING OUT MINOR ERRORS.

Oh Lord forgiver her, she knowest not what she does!” - if he's that educated and knows the KJV, he'll be able to correctly inflect verbs in Early Modern English, ie. "Oh Lord, forgivest her, for she knoweth not what she doth."

Why do you sleep? You shouldn’t have too!” - 'shouldn't have to.'

He wasn’t the animal stupid automaton - animalistic automaton

This cacophony went on for an hour. - cacophony is a rare word, so when you use it more than once it stands out. You've already used it earlier.

The pod containers was delivered to a construction site in Uniontown, - container, singular? otherwise 'were'

The only time she saw he captor is when he came to feed her - 'saw her captor was when'

the only answer is it was ‘it’s a surprise’. - 'only answer he gave was, "It's a surprise."

The ancient hospital is remote, - from this point onward you appear to have major tense issues, swapping from perfect to present for no obvious reason.

pull a couch across the floor and position it by the shallow end of the pull - 'of the pool'

As far as the quality of it that depends on one’s view point.” - viewpoint, compound noun.

my victory without fan fare - fanfare, compound noun.

, he knew them, she didn’t want to lie, he see through that - 'he would see through' or 'he'd see through'

Where ever here is?” - 'wherever'

No why did you become an assassin?” - Now, why

I just would hate myself leaving you here all dressed up and now place to go. - 'and no place'

Her shoe’s made a clip-clop noise that echoed mildly in the emptiness. - shoes, no apostrophe

The notion that she might be able to take him out with a Kung Fu strategy crossed here mind - 'crossed her mind'

Conclusion.

I like where you take us and how you get there, but you really do have too many typos, especially in the second half of the story.


Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

FORUM
Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest Open in new Window. (13+)
Opening in January for entries!
#1873271 by ~ Santa Sisco ~ Author IconMail Icon


Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
119
119
Review of The Sirens.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, inkwell

What I liked

I do like the structure, flow and near rhymes you use. I love mythological themes in general, so this is great. As I was reading through, some of the imagery did make me smile (though I suppose it should really make me shudder - probably says more about me than you! *Laugh*)

In the next section of this review, I'm going to rip your poem apart and be rather ruthless. Please, don't take that to heart. I do actually like this poem, but I want YOU to beccome a better poet. In order to achieve that, I'm going to be rather critical. Don't get upset.

What might need work

Firstly, there are a few small errors.

Its all an act, - It's, a contraction of "It is"

Thats when the Siren, - That's, a contraction of "That is"

So heed my warning.
When you hear.
The Sirens song,
should fill you with fear.

If you read this section, there's something missing in the middle, ie. gramatically speaking there should be a objective pronoun there, like "that" or "it", eg. "hear it" or "hear that", if you catch my drift. I'm not saying that you should phrase it like that, only that it reads odd as it is at the moment.

Also, note that with enjambement you shouldn't use a comma because you're placing a comma where you wouldn't normally have one in a prose sentence. Endstopping is a natural thing in poetry and doesn't need a comma to achieve stronger effect. What I mean is, "The Sirens song should fill you with fear" is a single clause, so NO comma in the middle.


Secondly, poets from Coleridge in his Biographia Literaria to Stephen King in his On Writing - a memoir of the craft have expressed the opinon that each word should have a real purpose, and ideally fulfil the role of an onion skin, ie. have multiple, sometimes ambiguous meanings.

When I read phrases like "Sirens of the sea", I'm firstly thinking, "Oh, there's a nice bit of alliteration," but then I'm secondly thinking, "What's the point of saying that?" I mean, sirens clearly have an association with the sea, so I don't feel that you're telling me anything I didn't already know when I read the word "siren" and so the three words "of the sea" are sadly redundant, ie. they have no real value to the poem.

Coleridge identified two checks on a word:
1) if it's removed or replaced, will the meaning of the line change?
2) if it's removed or replaced, will the line sound less beautiful?

"of the sea" passes the 2) because it provides nice alliteration and balance, where you have two unstressed syllables and a stressed followed by three unstressed syllable and a stressed. However, it really does fail on 1).

Reading through your poem, I'm afraid I get a couple more "so what" moments, ie. points in the poem where the fact you present is so self evident that I wonder why you'd write it. For example:

"they lie through their teeth." - you've just said "deceptive" so you're simply repeating the fact with more words, though sometimes that's necessary for balance.

"so they can win." - it's not really specified what they want to win with this line, so it's kinda abstract, and appears to be there for balance and rhyme rather than adding any extra meaning to the poem.


Thirdly, since you're using rhyme mainly in a ABCB pattern (with some exceptions), this really cries out for common metre, imho. I mean, there's nothing wrong with free verse, but if you're going to go as far as using mainly quatrains with ABCB, you may as well go the whole hog. Your choice, of course.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_metre

If you used common metre (well, technically "ballad metre" like Coleridge used in The Ancient Mariner etc) the opening quatrain would be something like:

So beautiful yet treacherous
they lie as soon as breathe.
The evil that I speak of, sir,
will only kiss with teeth.


Fourthly, when I read something mythological like this, I'm thinking imediately of the Romantic Poets, and so really, really, really I want some deeper, hidden metaphor that the reader can tease out. I'd like to see some hints in here in passing that you're REALY talking, for example, about how badly some men treat women, or maybe the effect of drugs on people turning them into monsters. Anything, really, but just a theme, something beyond the obvious so that the reader sees "layers" in your poem. You see, what I get at the moment is an entirely "literal" feeling when I read this rather than a deeper "Oh, did she mean this or did she mean that" that I'd get from reading, say, one of Carol Ann Duffy's sonnets. Reading through it a third time, my feeling is that you could make this sound like it's about prostitution, either male or female, OR about drug dealers, selling you "sweet" drugs but then dragging you down. THINK about potential themes and then THINK again about word choices and how you can then hint at double meanings and depth to your verse.

And, finally…

Given the topic, you could really have been an awful lot more gruesome. This was like a PG version of the siren's story, with no gore or bits of intestines floating in the water etc. A bit more blood and guts, I'd suggest. *Wink*


Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "Dew Drop Inn" Open in new Window. so you can do NaPoWriMo with a supportive group next month! *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
120
120
Review of I was a mouse.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Z-cat!

I'm here to review your short story "I was a mouse. " Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star*

Your protagonist and setting were both clearly introduced in the opening. However, there was no real initial conflict or hook because nothing in the opening paragraph is really news to the reader.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Though you've chosen an interesting path to tread with this story, I didn't feel convinced by the characters.

my first sensation of life was that of my brothers and sisters squirming around me. - I'm no expert on mice, I'll be the first to admit, but wouldn't SMELL be a key initial sense? They never go anywhere without sniffing the air.

I did not notice the cat creeping up on me - a fox might work better for the section that follows this because cats today are associated with domestication rather than living in dens.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I like how this story came full circle. However, to be honest, it was more like a philosophical poem than an actual story. I mean, there was no conflict as such other than the passage of time and actions of nature.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace of your story was fine, but it didn't really engage me.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your language was generally clear and easy to follow. Here are a few notes:

along with 9 brothers and sisters. - in narrative, present small numbers in words not numerals. Reserve numerals for names like R2D2, telephone numbers, serial numbers and really large numbers.

and for the first time, I could see the world around me. - be a little more succinct, active and confident with narrative, eg. and for the first time I saw the surrounding world.

It was a dull little world, small, but warm, with not much sunlight filtering through the entrance to the burrow. - try to get more into the viewpoint of a really tiny creature like a newborn mouse. To a pinky, the world, even inside a burrow, might appear vast, alien and interesting. Everywhere is interesting when you see, smell and feel it for the first time. It's only overexposure that makes places "dull". Newborns and young of any animal are naturally curious and adventurous, not bored, lol.

and my joints began to get stiff. - beware "began to" and "started to" because they are stall words, ie. they add little to meaning. Consider: and my joints stiffened

The river overflowed its banks, and covered the land with brackish water. - are you suggesting this is a river mouth, on the edge of the sea? Brackish means slightly salty water, not the purer river water found upriver where I feel your story is set. I mean, water could hardly cause a landslide down into a meadow if it were in an estuary.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

There was some nice sensory information later on, but elements of the setting seemed a bit off, such as the first sensations of the baby mouse or the brackish water upriver.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The circle of life is always an interesting theme. However, it's also a well trodden path, so lacks originality.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The circle of life is a nice theme, but this didn't really feel like a story to me. It felt like a nice poem. What was lacking was a clear protagonist and conflict.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
121
121
Review of Affection?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello BBK!

I'm here to review your short story "Affection?" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You provided a good set up for a relationship style story. There's a "match", so let's see where it leads us. The initial conflict (she needs a lover) is clear and enough to prompt the reader to turn the page.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Prerna and Saumit both have their good points, and Prerna in particular is a sympathetic character who will appeal to readers. However, you don't really get inside who either of them are. Appart from the fact that Prerna is graduating from university, I know nothing of her career or interests. What was she studdying? What does she like to do? You mention theatre at one point and that they like the same things, yet it appears she's never been to the theatre. What kind of music/films/sports are they so mutually interested in? Do they have siblings or parents alive? Any friends beyond each other? You see, for a relationship story, they're not really well developed as people.

When you do develop their physical characteristics, try to "show" them rather than "tell" them as a list of attributes, and keep within Prerna's viewpoint.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The conflict is good throughout. I love the emotions you describe. However, the resolution at the end is a little disappointing. It doesn't really resolve all the isssues at hand. Prerna is still alone and without prospects of another attachment in spite of the new, more positive attitude she has adopted. If there was a stronger hint that the improvements to her mind were filtering through to her actually meeting new people with a few to forming a specific attachment, the ending would be much stronger. Put simply, I didn't feel you ended Prerna's story at a particularly interesting point. If this is based on a true story, I get that you might not want to alter the ending. However, creative writers take real life and then apply hyperbolle to make the story a more interesting and satisfying ride for readers.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The pace is a little slow through the core part of the story and then too fast at the end. You've spent 80 % of the story setting up the main conflict of her split from Saumit, but then rush through all the improvements to her as she recovers within the last 10%.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your language is clear and easy to understand and you have a strong grasp of grammar. However, you need to look into the concept of viewpoint a bit more, ie. third person limited narrative.

as she gently brushed away a dark strand of hair from her round, yet attractive face. - the first part of this is great (except for the adverb "gently" which you don't need because it's implied in the verb "brush") because it 'shows' she has long, dark hair. However, the second part is out of the viewpoint narrator's vision and so a breach of narrative viewpoint, if you catch my drift. You really only want to show what the viewpoint character sees, and stating something like 'attractive face' while in her viewpoint makes her sound shallow and vain, which I suspect isn't what you want.

made her look younger than her actual age of 32 - small numbers in narrative should be presented in words, not numerals. Numerals are reserved for things like names, eg. R2D2, serial numbers, telephone numbers or really big or complex numbers that would look silly written in words.

but wasn’t able to connect with others like she had with Saumit. - rather than "telling" us this, can you "show" it through an example of their conversation before this?

Due to Prerna’s post graduation exams, the meeting was postponed.- this threw me a little when introduced here. At thirty-two, I would have expected her education to have finished a decade before and so never imagined her as a student. Maybe show that she's a student before this.

Forty five minutes later, they shook hands and went on their respective ways. - I got confused at this point. From their earlier conversation, I thought that they were planning to meet to go to the theatre together. When did that arrangement change? Did I miss something?

Prerna started writing down her feelings. It took her whole day to pour her heart out. A sudden realization struck her that she hadn't missed Saumit even once that day. Instead, she had actually unlocked an unexplored talent - you might like to include the word/concept of "cathartic" here with respect to the relief she found through expressing her feelings in writing.

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/catha...

Prerna thought with a gentle smile spread across her face, - Prerna thought as a (gentle) smile spread across her face. - not liking the "gentle" because it's kinda difficult to visualise and also impossible for her to see from her viewpoint.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star*

You never really "show" the locations where the actions in this story take place. Showing these places would help to better develop your characters, their various surroundings, furnishings and decorations allowing the readers an insight into what their careers and interests are. Sensory information, like the heat outside or the cool air conditioned interiors, after shave when they meet etc, would better immerse readers in the story.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The actual theme of virtual love and match making is really topical and interesting right now.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

You can write, and you can write well. However, I feel that you need to learn a little more about how to "show" a story from a limited viewpoint and engage readers with vivid settings and through making your characters more three dimensional with a life beyond the plot.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
122
122
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello FuryStrife!

I'm here to review your short story "Gurlock Study Mishaps-C and B series #4" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Fantastic opening. You've introduced your protagonist, set the scene, and given us the best hook ever!

The only issue I had was that with the "she must look really dumb with the clumps of fur stuck together and sticking" I was left wondering what kind of creature the protagonist is. Not knowing what species the protagonist is or what she looks like kinda distracts from the story.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I really like the protagonist's personality, and her friend's, but there's a big issue of them not being human and yet also not being adequately described somehow to the reader. We've no idea if they look like monkeys, cats or kangaroos.

Ideally, to engage your reader, they should be able to visualise the scene, what's happening. There's a notion in creative writing of a learning curve. Whenever a reader begins reading a story, there's a learning curve they must climb. What they must learn are the characters (name, age, gender, species, culture, religion, interests, wants) the setting (future, past, foreign, home, fantasy, sci-fi, mountains, oceans etc etc) and the initial plot set up. The more different from their home experiences the setting and characters are, the steeper the learning curve. In a short story, you don't have much time to introduce your readers to things. So, here, I'd strongly recommend you make the protagonists human. This is because when the readers begin your story, they'll automatically assume that the protagonist is human unless told otherwise. When you mentioned fur, I began to suspect that the protagonist wasn't human, but it wasn't clear. This distracted me from the story, prevented me getting immersed. CAn you follow my logic?

That's why a lot of YA fantasy is set in high schools - readers can easily visualise that setting so there's a very low learning curve at the beginning of the story.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Although your plot gets a bit fuzzy in the centre when the bombs are being thrown around, overall it's good. I especially liked your humerous resolution. Nice!

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Most of the story is nicely paced. However, it gets a bit too fast toward the end when they're running out of the 'caves', imho.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You have a strong and clear voice, which is great. Here are a few notes for your consideration:

she was about to be sacrificed to some lizard god in some god forsaken cave in the middle of nowhere. - fantastic line, but godforsaken is a compound word, believe it or not *Laugh*

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/godfors...

“Let’s go study the Gurlocks, she said. It’ll be fun, she said.” - when you have speech within speech, you must put the inner speech into alternative speech marks, ie. if you follow the British convention of 'speech' for speech, then inner speech is punctuated, "speech", but if you follow US style, then "speech" will have inner speech punctuated 'speech'. Using your sentence: “'Let’s go study the Gurlocks,' she said. 'It’ll be fun,' she said.”

I’m never going on another of Cynthia’s stupid experiments.” - expeditions might be a better word.

Many of the Gurlocks made a ring around the fire and began flailing around - try to avoid using general terms like 'many' because it's quite abstract and doesn't create a concrete image in the reader's mind. Be more precise, like "A dozen Gurlocks". Also, watch out for use of 'began' or 'started to'. These are stall words that don't add much to narrative other than increased word count.

It was Cynthia…riding one of the Gurlocks? -> Was that Cynthia…riding one of the Gurlocks?

and roared before bolting over to where Bec was in the center of the cave. - up until this point, in the centre of the story, I had NO IDEA they were inside a cave, lol.

…and Bec shielded her eyes against the blinding sun as they burst into the open. - there's a notion that it's better to present narrative in strict chronological order as that creates better temporal flow adding to the suspension of disbelief you're attempting to create, ie. better engaging the reader. Avoid stating anything that forces the reader mentally backward in time, even just within a sentence. So, here, for example: …and as they burst into the open, Bec shielded her eyes against the blinding sun. - see how that's better chronological flow?

I hear the Creones like to bite all their victim’s fingers off first. - victims' - when a plural noun is possessive, the apostrophe comes after the s. However, it's also considered okay to write - victims's. Personally, I don't like the second option, but don't tell anybody they're wrong when they opt to use it.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

You have a really interesting setting, but you leave things a bit late to ground the reader. If there's an element of your setting that's important to your story plot development then it needs to be foreshadowed before it becomes important. 90% of this story is set within a "cave", but I didn't even know they were inside a cave until halfway through. Then suddenly there's tunnels, but we knew nothing about them until the protagonist needed them. Then there's horses waiting, and we didn't know until they were needed by the protagonist. Ground the reader as early as possible.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I loved the joke that is your core premise, and also the cross cultural ideas.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I really like your story, but you really need to bring in setting details before they become important and also to reassess how you present your protagonist and her friend to the reader. At the moment, I simply cannot visualise what she is.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
123
123
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello Poeros!

I'm here to review your short story "The Unchosen (draft)" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your opening was well crafted, and the initial hook about a past life reading fantastic. You introduced a character and the setting during "action". Okay, the action wasn't exciting, but it had the dual effect of clarifying the setting and showing what they were doing. The only slightly negative thing I'd say is that "us" fails to communicate the idea that there are only two of them there at that table, so you might like to say "the two of us" or something like that to clarify that in the opening. Great stuff. *BigSmile*

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Brice is a solid, proactive and sympathetic character. He feels real, which is great. You should bring his name in earlier because he's the main guy in the story and at first I thought his friend was. Readers find it easier to care about someone if they know their name, you see.

You might like to round him a bit more with some interests beyond the plot, but if this is an introductory chapter then I suppose that could come later.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I'm liking this plot very muchly, especially how you end off the chapter. You have very clear conflict and a very interesting end hook, which was nicely foreshadowed when Brice talked to that kid. Overall, fantastic. *BigSmile*

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace started well, especially with the initial hook, but then somewhere around Brice leaving the library it became a bit too brisk, so I didn't feel immersed at all either in his bedchamber or in the place where he met with a god, which — realistically — should have been the focal point of your narrative.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally clear and easy to follow, but with a few issues, for example:

as she placed a book back in its proper place on the self. - watch out for typos in your opening sentence. It kinda throws the reader *Smile*

Casey was a classmate of mine that had attended school the same time I had - it's generally considered better style to use "who" rather than "that" as a pronoun in a clause like this, though "that" is permissible. Beware using the pluperfect tense when you don't have to. Here, it would be far preferable to say something like: Casey and I attended school together - much more succinct. However, to be honest, the fact that they're studying in a library together SHOWS this information anyway, so the whole sentence is pretty much redundant.

Casey belonged to the Discipline of Brigid with her talents - if you're going to introduce fantasy elements, you need to set them in a context that makes sense to the reader. I have NO IDEA what this means, lol. *Wink*

She also had a lovely set of tits. - if you're going to be coarse, go the whole hog. I mean, use a simile/metaphor or coloquialism that shows the reader something about the person speaking, eg. "a great rack", "fantastic jugs" or "whopping great melons".

She rolled her eyes and lightly elbowed me and I smiled. - most people don't seem to bother with this punctuation rule around here, but since you're generally good at stuff I'll point it out. When you have a sentence containing two independent clauses, ie. with different grammatical subjects, unless both are very short, it's mandatory to place a comma before the conjunction that joins the clauses, ie. before your second "and" in this sentence. It's simply an aid to the reader's eye, to allow them to easily note the change of subject from "she" to "I".

“Did you hear what happened yesterday?” She asked as - tags are usually in the same sentence as the speech, so here you should have a low case "s" in "she". The exceptions are where the tag doesn't actually describe how the spoken sentence has been spoken. So, for example, tags containing whispered, shouted, said, spoke, uttered, hissed, screamed, mumbled etc would be considered in the same sentence as the speech, but tags that have verbs unrelated to speech are usually separate sentences, eg. "Be quiet!" He stared at the naughty boy. "Come here." She crooked her finger. - also, watch out for two many sentences containing the "as" construction. Personally, I use that construction too much. Just try to vary sentence construction.

To which event does thou speak of not related to an educator sleeping with students?” - if you're going to slip into Early Modern English, I'd recommend you at least inflect the verb that way, too, ie. "Of what event dost thou speak? Forsooth, canst it be that a teacher with a student sleepeth?" or you could end with "student sleeps" because though less correct on the inflection, it's kinda more poetic.

“I dunno, Brice.” - better if you'd brought his name in earlier so that the reader can better engage with him.

Casey stuck her tongue at me and walked back down between the row of books and back to our empty cart of returns. She pushed it back to the - tongue out - watch out for using the same word too many times in a paragraph.

I shrugged a shoulder, - watch out for redundant bits. I mean, what else would you shrug except a shoulder? A simple "I shrugged" says the same.

My heart started to race a hundred times a minute and I nearly forgot that I had been asked a question. - beware 'started' or 'began' as they're stall words, ie. they add little to meaning and just add to word count. Consider: My heart raced, and I almost forgot I'd been asked a question - or - My heartrate accelerated to a hundred beats a minute, and…

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The library settings were well chosen. A nice, familiar place for your readers to ease them into your fantasy universe. However, the chamber later, and Brice's bed chamber, were inadequately sketched, imho. Sensory information was a tad lacking. Though you could have made the god chamber chilly, the library dusty, his friend rose scented, you didn't bother. Sensory information helps both ground and engage readers. In terms of cultural setting, ensure that you introduce any "clans" etc in a manner that the reader can understand.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I did like the idea of the gods returning to Earth to save mankind etc. Nice premise.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I actually quite liked this opening, especially the end hook. However, there are lots of small issues to deal with, especially with setting, imho.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
124
124
Review of Lost!  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello SilverRaven!

I'm here to review your short story "Lost!" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The opening hook is good because Aleeya is faced with very clear conflict from the very beginning, questions are raised in the reader's mind, and the setting is clear. We know exactly where we are and why.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Aleeya is an excellent sympathetic character, as is her mother. However, there's a big issue which prevents the reader from fully engaging with this story and "enjoying" it. You see, neither of them are "proactive".

A well developed story should have a protagonist who does things: makes choices, goes places, does things. In your story, Mom is static. She can't do anything. Aleeya is your main protagonist, but she's also kinda static. She has no choices to make and does nothing. Essentially, she's just an observer. Yes, she gets upset by what happens, and the reader emphasises with her. However, nothing that Aleeya either does or potentially could do changes the outcome of the story. She could be in another country, or on the moon, and the same events would occur with respect to her mother and the medical treatment.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Picking up from above, Aleeya doesn't have any choices, doesn't do anything, so it's not really a story. Now, if, for example, Aleeya was faced with a choice of whether to allow her mother to undergo a very tricky operation that she may or may not survive, or if Aleeya's Mom were on a life support system and the doctors asked Aleeya for permission to switch off the system and allow her mom to die… now, that would be a story. Do you get what the difference is? I know it's a difficult concept to grasp, but basically that's why your main character is called a protagonist — they're the proactive one who does stuff, faces conflicts, overcomes them (or dies/fails facing them), and that's what makes a story.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You have a fast pace, which is good, but you might like to slow it down a bit to allow for emotional impact where big events occur, like Mom's death.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star*

Your narrative is clear and easy to understand, but there are a few significant issues that may prevent readers from becoming engaged in your story:

It has been a long 6 weeks, but she won't leave her mother's side until she is released from the hospital and ready to go home. - small numbers should be written out in narrative instead of using numerals. Numerals should only be used for very long numbers, telephone numbers, serial numbers or names, eg. C3P0. - you began the story in past tense but then switched to present tense in this sentence. Be consistent.

She was in the bathroom, getting sick - I believe you mean "being sick" but "vomiting" would be a stronger verb to use

her mother was being moved to Hospice, - a hospice. If it's an actual place called Hospice, then this is fine, but that's unusual. Usually it would be called something else, something more, like Saint Luke Hospice, Mohandas Gandhi Hospice or Lei Feng Hospice rather than simply Hospice.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The hospital setting was clear, but you might have described the room in a bit more detail, especially with respect to any machines attached to Mom. Also, don't forget sensory information, such as the chemical smells of a hospital.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your actual theme of the daughter's emotion over her Mom's death is great. Wonderful premise.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The emotion in this story is wonderful, and you have a great opening hook. However, you really need to get the protagonist to do something. It's not much of a story if she just observes what happens to Mom. To be a true protagonist, she must have choices and take action, even if it's reaction.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
125
125
Review of The Date  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hello ladyverdandi!

I'm here to review your poem "The Date" Open in new Window. as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. Thank you for entering!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

What I liked

I loved the flow of emotion in your poem and the "twin bookends" effect of beginning and ending with similar themed stanzas about coming into your life in the beginning and leaving at the end. Some of your lines were very poignant. I particularly liked: "Though just a little less tighter. Though a little less longer."

What might need work

A few notes to consider:

Be careful to make every word in your poem do something, to carry its weight. For example, in the line "Unmarred by the turmoil of your new arrival that first day." the words "new" and "first" do exactly the same thing, both telling the reader that this is the first time you met him. And, you've already established this same fact in the preceding lines, so both words are kinda redundant in this line, if you catch my drift.

Showing yourself to me as a flame to a moth. - it's strong, but it's also cliché. try to create fresh and arresting images.

Your pride only enhance my excitement of you. - always ensure you use the correct inflection in tenses and remain consistent, ie. here "enhanced"

Our time together rolled in to years - "into" is a compound word.

I regretted having spout off at times," How about a Vacation this time". - be careful about punctuation. If you're going to use it, then do it according to the standard style guide, ie. …times. "How about a vacation this time?" - a question needs a question mark, and end punctuation comes inside speech marks.

Ill see you on our next... - I'll

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

You have an emotionally strong poem with good flow, but you need to work on strengthening your lines with more powerful words and fresher images. Also, watch out for mistakes and punctuation consistency.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum  Open in new Window. (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
235 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 10 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robertbaker/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5