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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
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101
101
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello L.M.

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

My Pages

I loved how you expressed that feeling that the "other" was the whole meaning of your life in the opening stanza. The idea that any attempt to erase the other would also erase you is great in the second stanza. The concluding stanza is bittersweet, ie. well written and yet emotionally painful.

Stay

The contrast between "run" and "stay" in the opening stanza was great. I loved the concept developed in the concluding stanza, that you're unsure if your emotional state is of your construction or some kind of destiny intended for you. I think you express it really well. The rhyming structure of this one is really nice, too.

She's not here

I do like the visual in this one of the twisted bedsheets beside him, almost like a ghost of her presence. Cool.

Wanderer

I completely get the fear of falling asleep to meet those ghosts that he fears. Wonderful concept work here. I particularly liked the line "How could you have been so wrong for so long?" Great internal rhyme there, and the line end assonance used throughout, then not in the final two lines of the poem, is particularly effective, imho.

What I feel may need improvement.

My Pages

The line "Owned and thrown away for far too long" is unclear. I think that you mean that the "Other" owned you, but the way it's phrased it means that you were both owned and thrown away for a long period of time, whereas I think you mean that you were owned for too long BEFORE you were thrown away. You might like to clarify this better in your verse.

When you write "I stand..." with an end ellipsis, be aware that there's actually a way to write proper ellipses in Word or most similar programs. You simply hold down the Alt key and then while holding it down you press 0133 in sequence, then release the alt key to get…

Stay

The line "Though I'd keep you safe," didn't make much sense to me following of from "Thought you'd stay," because they kinda contradict each other. As an exercise, treat that stanza as if it were prose and read it aloud normally without endstopping. See if you can see what I mean.

She's not here

With the lines "It's late at night and I can't sleep" and "And every time I close my eyes" I see them as cause and effect, so I feel the second line may work better beginning "because"

The line "Empty sheets laid before me" reads really strange because all the other lines are in present tense to describe what's happening now and past to describe the past events, but here you use a past tense of the wrong verb to describe what's happening. It would be more accurate, I feel, to say "Empty sheets lie beside me", or if you do want to use past tense for some reason, "Empty sheets lay beside me".

http://www.chompchomp.com/rules/irregularrules02.h...

In the line "Leave me on floor to bleed" I can't help but notice the missing definite article. I know it's poetry, but I'm just sayin'

Wanderer

With the two final lines here, "Will you ever find the reason why?" and "Wanderer..." I get the impression that you're attempting to address this "wanderer", but that's not what your punctuation is doing. Consider:

Will you ever find the reason why,
Wanderer…?

Though, to be honest, I don't see why you need the ellipsis there.

Conclusion.

Four really well constructed poems, imho. I found a few things which, in my opinion, were issues, but nothing major. Your themes are powerful and consistent.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1873271 by Not Available.


Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


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102
102
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jay O'Toole!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.


What I liked about your poem

I love the resolution of your poem, and the beautiful way you craft your allegorical tale to match the salvation through blood and the notion of victory through death. I also really like the references to both Narnia and Middle Earth, tying them together in your story.

I think it was very brave and skilful of you to use anapestic tetrameter to structure your poem.

I particularly loved this idea: For he knew as we do that no flame can o'erpower / one whose chimney-soot coat has its day and its hour! - I loved this bit about Santa's flame retardant coat. Great idea!

What I feel may need some work in your poem

This isn't just a poem, it's an epic ballad, a story poem. As such, I'm going to review it in two ways. First, as a story. Second, as a poem.

Story Stuff

The key elements to a story are plot, character development, and resolution. Your resolution is brilliant. Your plot, however, at times, for me, became a little confusing. However, the biggest issue I had was with initial setting and character development.

You begin the first quatrain by introducing a unicorn (though it's not clear if it's one or two unicorns at that stage because of the language used) who is not named, although it's clear he's the protagonist, and a character called Reepicheep, and it's stated that they're fighting a battle as "Earth was torn". The capitalisation of Earth implies that this story is set on our world of Earth, which then confused me as the story progressed as it becomes clear that it's actually in Narnia. This opening could potentially be a great hook if the reader understands who Reepicheep is. However, you're really over-relying, imho, on the reader already being familiar with Reepicheep as a character. Anybody who does not know who Reepicheep is will not understand who or what he is at all.

You see, in order to create the necessary suspension of disbelief (a term originally coined for poetry by Samule Taylor Coleridge, who incidentally believed that the only original poetry was that inspired by the Holy Spirt, and he put that in his biography alongside this suspension of disbelief concept) you need to make the story clear in the reader's mind. The reader needs to be able to visualise it. If the reader does not know that Reepicheep is a mouse holding a sword, a lot of the stuff later will be very confusing. You never really establish very clearly what Reepicheep is, and so without actually knowing this before reading your poem, a reader will quite simply not get that element of your story and will not be able to create a strong image of what is going on in their head as they read.

When you're reading a story, the protagonist's name is really important. You need to bring it in as soon as possible in order to create a connection between the reader and the character. It's difficult to care about someone if you don't know their name, but once you know their name then they become much more important to you — you simply care more about people you know. You bring in Bob's name here:

After touch and great breath Bob, the Unicorn flew - by the time we reach this line, we're already a third of the way into the story. Because Bob is your protagonist, he really needs naming much earlier than this, ideally in your opening stanza.

Technical Poetry Stuff

I was really surprised that you chose to use anapestic meter for this. You see, Jay, I KNOW that you're really, really good at common meter (what you call hymnal) and so ballad meter (almost identical to common but rhymed ABCB and with looser construction and meter allowed) would be a doddle for you. IMHO, this poem would have had a more natural sound if you'd used ballad meter. For example, the line "'Twas a pink and a fluffy wee unicorn". In normal language, you'd never say, "it was a pink and a fluffy wee unicorn" because it implies that youre talking about two unicorns, one pink and the other fluffy, when actually there's only one. It's confusing.

Anapestic meter is really, really tough, and generally you did a great job. However, I did stumble on the opening stanza. Compare the first two stanzas and perhaps you'll understand why. Here's my rough stress analysis of your first two quatrains, bearing in mind that British people do sometimes stress things differently. However, the checks I made were to a standard US resource:

'Twas a pink and a fluffy wee un-i-corn - missing end stress to conclude fourth anapest
in the heart of the battle as Earth was torn. - missing unstressed syllable making last foot an iamb rather than an anapest
Reepicheep by his side, rap-i-er wit and drawn sword, - one syllable too many in third foot
facing down ev'ry foe for the Glorious Lord!

"Take a look at this pony! We'll mince all this meat!"
bellowed Azog, Defiler, the white orc they'd greet.
"Move a step and we'll send thee to Hell in a box!"
cried the un-i-corn standing with Fox in his socks.

https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/rapier
https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/unicorn

"Our Dear Aslan has moved. All of Narnia is won! - four syllables (three unstressed, one stressed) in your final foot.

thus attending forever his spiritual gout - four syllables (three unstressed, one stressed) in your final foot.

https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/spiritual

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

Overall, I really liked your poem. I loved the resolution, and the theme was fantastic. However, I felt that the beginning was really confusing, especially for anybody unfamiliar with the Narnia universe. I also liked the use of anapestic meter, but felt that it might have worked better (my personal opinion) in ballad meter.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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103
103
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Dorsidhion Mephistopheles!

I'm here to review your poem {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

Wow, this is dark. In a kinds sideways way it reminds me of Stephen King's The Dark Man. It really touches on the mind of somebody trapped within a dark cycle of some kind.

https://mollyellenpearson.wordpress.com/2014/10/29...

What might need work

Personally, I prefer to see a bit more of a hint about what a poem is really about, but this was a great example of a poem that touches on emotions without clarity, and with mystery.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This is really good, dark poetry, imho.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
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A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
104
104
Review of Sunset's Goodbye  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Rosetta!

I'm here to review your poem {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

Excellent theme and one to which I'm sure many readers can relate. We've all been there at some point in our lives.

What might need work

Just a few minor notes.

In poetry, the end of each line produces a natural pause, like a comma, so you don't always have to use a comma. I'd recommend you only use commas at the end of a line for special emphasis.

As the song slowly ends, you held my hand tight. - confusing tense change here, from present to past, but the past tense clause is chronologically later than the present tense within the flow of your poem.

and it's fire like vibrance... I think you meant "and its fire like vibrance…" - its, the possessive pronoun, doens't use an apostrophe - the ellipsis is not the same as three periods typed together. Hold down the "alt" key on your keyboard and then press 0133 on your numeric pad, then release "alt" and you should get…

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I thought your poem was well written and evoked strong emotions.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
105
105
Review of "Where You'll Be"  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Writergirl74!

I'm here to review your poem {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

Wonderful theme and imagery. As a person who enjoys structure, I liked the rhymes and near rhyme you used to stregthen your flow.

What might need work

When you have natural endstopping to break the flow, you don't need to use commas at the end of a line like you would in prose. The comma serves to show where there's a slight heistation in speech, like when you list things and there's a pause between each item, or to mark a change of subject between clauses. That same pause is offered naturally by the line break, so using a comma at the end of the line overemphaises the point, if you catch my drift.

Try to use "key" words in your poem as end rhymes where possible. "heart" and "strike" were great words to emphasise, but the others, to some extent, just made nice rhymes.
consider, for example, "slowly fades away". The key word there, I'd say, is "fades". So, you could simply have "slowly fades" matched with, say, "mercy evades" to strengthen the more imporant elements of the theme.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This is a really well executed poem which I enjoyed reading.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
106
106
Review of The Call  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello drgn_kpr!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Great opening hook. I particularly liked the hairs on the neck. Also, though it doesn't belong here, I loved the echo of the hairs in the concluding sentence.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Really, really good, particularly Mom. It would have been nice if you'd hinted at son's name and job along the way, just to round him out a bit. He is addressed once in the story by the despatcher, and she could have addressed him by name, for example. To be honest, I think you should have used more dialogue between son and people in order to SHOW the story better.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Love the plot. Love the resolution. Especially love the echo. Lots of good stuff in your story.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent pace. Just right.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You have great voice. However, you have quite a few issues, some of which I've noted below. I'd suggest you SHOW more of this story through dialogue between the protagonist and the other people. A lot of the time you only TELL the reader what the people said rather than showing it, eg. when the nurse in the hospital calls her Mom or Ma, you mention only this fact and not what was actually said. Using more speech would also allow us to learn the protagonist's name.

Notes:

A few years ago. These were the words I heard on the other end of an unusually timed phone call. The voice almost a whisper, “Um, son, I don't feel right”, the tone uncertain. - Why are the first four letters a seperate sentence? They don't even form a sentence. The end part also belongs in the same sentence, imho. Fragments are okay, but you have to be careful how and when and why you use them. Also, punctuation of speech belongs inside speech marks.

The woman I expected, whom is a little vain and always dressed and ready to go, - when used as a subjective pronoun "who" but objective "whom". This is subjective, ie. "who" is the subect of the verb "is" in your sentence, so "who" not "whom". So, for example, I might say, "This is the woman whom I expected," where "whom" is the object of "expected", but if you're establishing an intedendent clause with a secondary verb, "who". If in doubt, go with "who" since many people use it where they really should use "whom" anyway. The best trick I've heard to make sure you use the right one is to simply substitute the personal pronoun “he/him” or “she/her” for “who/whom.” If he or she would be the correct form, the proper choice is who.” If “him” or “her” would be correct, use “whom.”

http://web.ku.edu/~edit/whom.html

The frail grayish figure setting slumped in the chair was barely recognizable. - sitting, though, to be honest, you could just cut that verb anyroad, ie. The frail grayish figure slumped in the chair was barely recognizable.

Consider this paragraph as a whole:
The woman I expected, whom is a little vain and always dressed and ready to go, was nowhere in sight. The frail grayish figure setting slumped in the chair was barely recognizable. Her hair was disheveled and the lime green t-shirt and pink sweat pants didn't match. She had managed to slip on mismatched shoes. She was weak and incoherent. She was overly concerned about the shoes. The tattered house shoe and white flat seemed to dominated her entire thought processes. She kept asking if the shoes were okay, they didn't match? She could not figure out why. The shoes were upsetting her.
Can you see how many "to be" verbs you used in just one paragraph here? Now, I'm not against use of this verb where necessary, but you have to be careful. It's the weakest verb possible, and there are hundreds of other verbs to choose from. Try to select the strongest verb possible in each sentence. If you've got this many "to be" verbs in paragraph, look to see how it might be written so that stronger verbs come into play.

She addressed my mother as "mom ma”, confidently stating, - when she uses Mom and Ma as proper nouns, capitalise.

The adrenaline left, the fuel rods of the reactor were spent. - just as an example of how to write with stronger verbs, consider: The adrenaline depleted, the reactor fuel rods spent.

All the power that was generated to coupe with the past 20 minutes evaporated as - several points here. "cope" not "coupe". When using small numbers, always put them in writing not numerals. Only put long numbers, telephone numbers, reference numbers or numbers in names into narrative, eg. C3P0 and R2D2. You DON'T always need to use "was". Consider: All the power generated to cope with the past twenty minutes evaporated as

Enter every emotion known to man and those yet fully described. - those NOT yet

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Loved the rural community you described in your story.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Awesome ideas about close knit communities and friendship as well as family.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

This is a fantastic story. I really wanted to give it 5 *Star*, but the narrative contains a few too many mistakes and issues.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Redlive122!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You do have an excellent opening hook. There's a dragon, and the dragon is making a lot of noise. That's cool.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Stella is a cute kid, but to make this really work you also have to make her "sympathetic". That means that Stella must have some quality about her that makes the reader care about her from the very beginning. Typical features used in stories with young protagonists is that their parents have divorced or died, or they're being bullied at school, or they're ill. Think Harry Potter (orphan, being bullied by his cousin and forced to live in a cupboard). Think Jane Eyre (parents dead, bullied by her cousins, hit by one of them in the opening chapter). Think Hazel Grace (dying of cancer). Think Katniss Everdene and how she cares more about her sister's life than her own.

It might work better if you refer to Sora with the masculine pronoun from the beginning rather than saying it. It's clear that Stella knows that Sora is male, so if we're in her head, and Sora is her friend, she'll think of him as a he not an it.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

It's a cute story, the girl getting to ride her dragon, but the problem is that for a story to really be a story then there needs to be some conflict. That doesn't mean that there has to be fighting, it means that there has to be some obvious struggle or fight for the character to achieve something. Now, the conflict in your story at the moment is that Stella wants to fly, but Sora won't take her. However, the conflict is very, very subtle. Stella doesn't seem that bothered about it. We don't get the impression from the beginning of the story that Stella's main ambition in life ever is to fly.

What might make better additional conflict would be if Stella's parents DID NOT want her to play with her imaginary friend, so Stella has to sneak away to do it. This was used at the beginning of Harry Potter where Harry wanted to do magic, but his family didn't want him to do any.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Except for the rather swift ending, the pacing is fairly fast. It would feel faster and more exciting if there were a little more conflict in the story, imho.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Generally, your narrative is clear and easy to follow. You do tend to use a lot of redundant words, ie. words that don't actually tell the reader something they don't already know.
"ROAR!" The beast roared, the sound so loud it must have woke up everyone in the city - beware repeating information in narrative. If the sound is "roar" then there's no point also using it as a verb. The word "sound" is also redundant. Try to make each word you use useful in some way to guide the reader into your story, eg. "ROAR!" The noisy beast must have woken everybody in the city.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I would like to know a little bit more about where this place is, what the scenery is like etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Little girl riding a dragon is cute, but think about ways you can expand the theme, eg. if the little girl is bullied or neglected by her parents, for example.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I enjoyed reading this, but it could do with being more of a story and less of a cute account of a girl riding a dragon. Think about ways in which to increase conflcit. In Pete's Dragon, loggers were going to destroy the dragon's home. In How to Catch your Dragon the people were afraid of dragons so the protagonist had to hide his love of dragons from them.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review of When Life Happens  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello LadyK!

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's interesting that they are quads, but nothing in the opening really raised a huge question in my head. The conflict implied by his inability to sleep was a nice touch, though.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Although your characters were interesting, there were, imho, far too many of them in such a short piece, so I got quite lost attempting to figure out who was who. Giving all four brothers "similar" names and then using them in the opening section was particularly confusing, and in a scene that potentially could have introduced their individual characters very well, instead I had no idea what was going on. If these guys are supposed to be princes or other high ranking members of the aristocracy, the ranks mentioned or implied did not seem to reflect their high status.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

There was a lot going on in this story, but no actual resolution or clear central conflict or protagonist. It read more like a chapter in a longer work than a short story, but the contest you entered it into is for short stories or poems.

The appearance of all the brothers from different branches of the military at the same time in the same place just in time for their sister's birthday seemed a bit too much of a coincidence, imho.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

The constant scene switching from place to place is very artistic and sets a nice mood. Unfortunately, it completely destroys the pace so that there's no sense of progress through the chapter/story.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your narrative is easy to follow, but there are multiple distracting errors. Here are a few sample notes:

He began to whistle his favorite Hymnal, “amazing grace” and looked at his - put the names of songs or books into italics and use capital initials, ie. Amazing Grace

Then, just when he was about to look at his watch again, the front gate began to squeal open and the army trucks began piling in - this was just a short while after he "began to whistle". Try not to use the same constructions over and over. Also, "triked to", "started to" and "bagan to" often don't add any meaning to narrative, so they're simply stall words. Consider: Then, just as he made to check his watch again, the front gate squealed open and the army trucks rolled through.

“you weren’t sleep, were you?” - "You weren't asleep, were you?" - begin spoken sentences with a capital.

Alex walks out the room and closes the door. Nickolas rolled on his back and dozed off to sleep. - there are a lot of places in your narrative where you use one tense in one sentence then swap to a different tense in the second for no obvious reason. Here, you use present tense "walks" and "closes" then past tense "rolled" and "dozed".


Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The locations were each sketched so briefly that I don't even know what country I'm in and what nationality these people are. I can't even get a sense of time setting. For example: “Nickolas, put the sword down! its us…your comrades.” - it's us - if there are fighter planes and army trucks, and the guys have European style names, what's with the sword? I'm guessing this is second world war, since the aircraft are specifically described as fighters and I don't think there were a great variety of aircraft in WWI. But, I'm no expert. I'm just pointing out that I didn't get a specific time and place feeling from this narrative.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The theme of siblings fulfilling different roles and destinies in war is an interesting one.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

If you smoothed out the narrative by doing less scene swapping and used less characters per chapter/story, then I think this could work well.


Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
109
109
Review of The Portal  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Hossman !

I'm here to review your short story "The Portal"  as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The hand grabbing him and the alien creatures create a strong opening hook. The begining is momentarily confusing, though. It might be clearer if you begin a moment before when he's considering whether or not to step through, ie. use the appearance of the portal in his home as the opening hook. By setting it somewhere people understand, like in an ensuite bathroom, this lets the reader know that the story is beginning in our real, mundane world before you introduce the fantasy element.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

We get to know a lot of interesting things about Johnny. He's a mischievous prankster, and a curious person. He's clearly young. However, there are lots of key things about him that are not really established. Is he a kid or an adult? What does he look and dress like? Does he have a job? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he have a hobby? To make him a realistic character, you need some hints about a life beyond the plot, and so the reader can visualise him, we need a few hints about what he looks like. You don't have to provide a police service photo id and profile or even a cv, but just hints as the story progresses, such as for example the portal appearing beside his Skrillex poster, which would hint that he's a teen and into dubstep music, for example.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I thought that this was a novel idea and very well put together, especially the setting details. I'm very impressed.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I felt the opening came a bit quick, but otherwise the pace was perfect.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your language is clear and your voice distinctive. I noted a few minor issues:

“Where is ‘here’,” Johnny asked. The air tasted metallic and Johnny’s throat began to scratch. - don't forget question marks to end questions, even in dialogue. Watch out for stall words or constructions like "began to" since it adds nothing to the story. I think you meant "itch" not "scatch" at the end.

We look for people that do things that they are not supposed to do, that seem to have a hard time listening, that sometimes make things a bit difficult for those around them. - there are two interchangeable non-specific pronouns often used in clauses: who and that. Generally, "who" is considered the better pronoun to use when refering to a person, though "that" is allowed also. Sometimes a sentence becomes clearer when "who" is used, but then sometimes a sentence sounds better when "that" is used. The sentence you wrote here would probably be clearer with "who", eg. We look for people who do things that they are not supposed to do, who seem to have a hard time listening, who sometimes make things a bit difficult for those around them.

You’re in the big leagues now - big league, singular. Also, you may wish to capitalise Creator.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent settings, using the objects and smells to show the character of the people in this "universe". Very creative.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

This was original, and also helps show how people can impact upon other people's lives. Nicely done.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I really liked this story. It was original and querky. If you strengthened the character and narrative a little, it could be perfect.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
110
110
Review of The Lion Head  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello ladyverdandi!

I'm here to review your short story "The Lion Head"  as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

On first read, this was an excellent hook. However, the problem with "question hooks" is that you must deliver on them, ie. you must provide the reader with the information questioned in the opening. Here, the Craig's list advert implies she has applied randomly for a job on the internet. However, think this through. How could a random job application possibly lead to a meeting with her husband? You need a clearer link or the hook will not "stand" a second read through. Think about this. All the best novels you've ever read, or poems for that matter, you read multiple times.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

It's difficult to introduce characters in first person narrative because it's near impossible to get their names in in a manner that reads as natural. The obvious technique is through dialogue, but you don't have any. Another way to do it would be for her to read a docment addressed to her, like the texts she receives, so she can read her own name there. Her referring to herself as "old girl" made me think she was elderly for awhile. If there's an element of a person's character that's really important to the plot, it should be foreshadowed. Here, she's a widow. In the opening, you mention a black hat, but it's not obvious that there's a signifcance. Have her think about her "widdow's weeds" or something so that the connection becomes clear, otherwise the final punchline won't work.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I do like the plot, but it really needs more foreshadowing to make it work. In particular, I'd like to see some sad thoughts from the protagonist in the beginning about her loneliness. I mean, you did have something about her having to move out fast from the place she was in before, so I thought that maybe she'd had a bad divorce, but you really didn't make it clear. I would have thought under these circumstances her husband would dominate her thoughts rather than being on the periphery.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

It does drag a bit leaving her apartment and then goes a bit too fast with the meeting at the end. But, generally, the pace is good.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

The narrative is generally clear and I can follow it, but please do watch out for typos. There's a few places where the mistakes are obviously miss-keys. Note also that you use zero dialogue in spite of ample opportunity for the lady to say things in the story, especially in the climactic moment.

In the opening paragraph, the little speech to herself would look better presented in speech marks, imho. Plus, you missed a fine opportunity there to introduce the protagonist's name by her using it rather than Old Girl.

apartment, I pick up the cup of cold coffee and took a long drink as I looked over to the two leather duffel - watch out for unusual tense shifts in your verbs. Here you have a sentence that was originally in past tense, becomes present, then slips back into past. You often swap between past and present tense in your narrative, often within the same sentence.

The strangers request was a odd one. Even bazar. - watch for sneaky homophones. "bazar" means marketplace. stranger's - possessive apostrophe

I locked the door behind me as I headed down the old buildings long hallway - even common nouns take a possessive apostrophe, ie. building's long hallway. Beware of temporal confusion. Here, using "as" you signal to the reader that two events are happening simultaneously, but it's impossible for her to both lock the door and head down the hallway at the same time.

I sighed again and wondered why I felt this was right move - missing definite article: "was the right move". Beware filter words, like "I felt". Once your narrative viewpoint is established,

I Joggle up the map as I hand the vendor a couple bucks for the coffee as I looked across to the bench. - in this sentence, the double use of "as" means she's doing three things at exactly the same moment. You use "as" frequently in your story. Beware "crutch" words that you rely on too much, and ensure you know what they actually mean.

Slowing and throwing food to the birds there. - where you can do so without over repetition or increasing word count, be specific about things like "bird". You see, "bird" is a very abstract common noun that means something different to every reader. Using a specific word can significantly add to setting and the image in a reader's head. For example, here if you used "duck" then not only would the reader have a more specific image of a bird, they'd also imagine a pond there without it being mentioned.

I opened it up to read. I know your there. Now leave there. - when quoting texts, use quotation marks. Also, note your -> you're, unless you wish to imply that the sender is really informal.

What the hell was I doing. - always use question marks for questions.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Setting was generally very solid. The only thing I'd say is beware too many adjectives to qualify the same noun when describing things. For example: "the streets corner fancy cement trash can," - five words to qualify one noun; poor Stephen King would have a heart attack! *Laugh*

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Love the theme. If you can strengthen narrative, plot and character, you'll have a good story.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I do like your story, but there are a lot of improvements required, imho, especially with narrative. Practice is key. You have good ideas, so just keep writing them down and getting reviews so that after a while you'll probably write some awesome stories!

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
111
111
Review of Talbata's Tavern  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Rovera !

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The opening paragraph sets the scene, but it doesn't really contain either conflict, a big question the reader wants answered, or an extremely interesting point that grabs the reader's attention. Later there's implication of conflict between different groups using the inn, and you might like to imply said conflcit in your opening paragraph in order to create the conflict.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Talbata is clearly the star of this story, and she really is a character. You have successfully hinted at her skills and personality. However, you don't really explain why she left her village, which is an interesting question for anybody, and also don't show what she looks like. To say she's a "halfling" doesn't really do this. I mean, I presume you mean she's a hobbit, but if so there's so much more you can do to show her short stature or perhaps her initial discomfort at sleeping above ground until she got used to it etc.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star*

This read more like the introduction to a character than an actual story. The conflict is incidental and peripheral to the main focus of showing the character's personality and lifestyle. That's not always a bad thing, for example as a novel chapter, but here where you're presenting a really short, short story, some strong central conflict plus resolution would be nice.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star*

Because there's no central conflict and it's mainly description, it doesn't feel like much is happening.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Some beautiful description and generally clear. However, this is a mainly told scene rather than showing a story in the moment it's happening. It's always looking backward at a general and almost abstract series of events unconnected by a clear timeline.

She would say cheerfully, with sweat springing from the bandana that she would always wear. - sometimes it's necessary to use a weak verb for tense or "voice", but don't use them when you don't have to, and especially don't use two in one sentence. - She'd say with a grin, sweat dripping from her bandana.

These and other countless less memorable events ironically increased the fame of the place, therefore attracting more adventurers, in a vicious cycle. - why use "vicous cycle" when she's clearly happy about the inn being busy and a spring of gold?

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Great details, but don't forget sensory information, such as the stench of the city when compared to the Shire and the smell of minotaur blood on the balcony etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

THere are some nice, original ideas in here, such as the cool oven.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

If this were a story chapter, I'd grade it higher because in many ways it's a fine piece of writing with an interesting protagonist. As a stand alone story, I don't think it really works. It really feels part of something much bigger, and incomplete on its own, imho.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
112
112
Review of Consequence  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello EK_H !

I'm here to review your short story {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

The opening sentence is great, because you raise an interesting question that will hook many readers. However, the following paragraph inserts character information in a mini-infodump, which is redundant by the third paragraph because you SHOW the protagonist's enthusiasm for the Newspaper Club. If she wasn't as shown in the second paragraph, she wouldn't be so enthusiastic. So, if you just launch into her enthusiasm when she discovers there's a club in the second paragraph, you don't need the background on her folders for school work. The fact that she's in tenth grade can be slipped into the Newspaper Club paragraph just as easily. The current opening sentence of the third paragraph is completely redundant. Since it's obvious what the Newspaper Club does, you're wasting words and slowing the pace by defining it and stating the obvious. Just launch into action and you'll be fine, and the opening pace will be much improved.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Erika is fairly well developed, but I felt it would have been nice to know more about June before the "scandal" was suggested to Erika. If June was presented as some kind of saint, and SHOWN doing something nice for Erika before this moment, it would have made the event more powerful in the reader's mind. As it was, it felt like the information was only being presented when it became relevant for plot progression rather than being foreshadowed.

The largest problem with Erika's character is that she isn't particularly sympathetic in the beginning (ie. you do nothing to SHOW that she's a good person; you expect the reader to assume she's good because she's the narrator) and then she turns out to be a really nasty person at the climactic part of the story.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

There's certainly a strong plot line. Once the headmaster's ultimatum is given, you have great conflict. However, the climactic moment felt a little implausible. I mean, if you're going to make up a nasty story, why pick on your best friend when there's a million unpopular people at school you're not best friends with whom you could pick on? You'd have to be the dumbest person in the world to pick on your best friend and expect them not to find out when it's actually in writing and distributed to everybody in the school.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Except for a bit of info dumping in the beginning, the story as a whole feels fast paced.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your narrative is generally error free and easy to follow, so the following specific comments are on style:

When I found out that my school had a Newspaper Club, my reaction was something that occurred once in a blue moon. - not an error. But, since your narrative is generally error free, I'm gonna talk a bit about style. First rule of thumb. With words like "that" or "now" or "just" that appear frequently in narrative but often have no true purpose, cover them with your thumb and then read the sentence aloud. If the sentence sounds perfectly fine without that word, delete that redundant word. Here, for example, you use two "that" in one sentence. The second is essential to meaning, but the first is just along for the ride.

Each student in the club had an assigned role. My best friend, June, was the person typing the stories for the newspapers, a senior, Zack, was the leader of the club, a few others worked on piecing the newspaper together, and I was the reporter of the club. - consider the chronology of your story. You've begun as if you've just stumbled across the club. However, here it appears you must have been a member for a while because your best friend is in charge of typing. It's not feasible that you only just learned about the club if your best friend is a member, so a serious amount of time must have ellapsed before this point. I'm just going to use this small section as an example of where you can use tighter prose. Remember that your reader is an intelligent person and you've already established that you're specifically speaking about a club.

Each student occupied an assigned role. A senior, Zack, edited the paper. My best friend, June, typed the stories. Others pieced our publication together, and I acted as reporter. - One thing you really want to avoid is using "was" as the main verb in every sentence.

I felt like the tension increased on me tenfold. - pressure might be a better word

I responded, “Really?! You found a story?! Tell me, please!” - story writing, though it often employs slang words and contractions for "voice" is actually "formal writing". It's generally better to avoid overuse of exclamation marks in stories as overexposure lessens their impact. Never use them beside a question mark as you might in a text or online comment. There are, of course, some avant-garde writers who use experimental forms of text in their writing. However, they are usually popular writers who have already amassed a fan base using more traditional writing styles. Learn formal writing rules first, then break them to achieve better effect in your stories rather than randomly.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star*

Except for the club room, the setting is minimal. You never engage sensory information, such as temperature, smells, tastes, touch etc. When setting information was presented, it was given as a list rather than SHOWN as the protagonist moves through the story, as part of her environment.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The theme that lying will lose you friendships is a great one.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your premise is a good one, but you might like to think about plausibility. Think about, for example, if the victim was a kind person shown to be nice to other people but NOT a friend of the protagonist, in which way the protagonist's actions would be more plausible. She could still meet the victim in the library later, and it might actually be a more powerful moment if she discovered that this person was a "real" person she'd hurt in that moment rather than knowing her as a person before the event.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM
Simply Positive Review Forum   (E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive


Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
113
113
Review of Untitled  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Jackalion Roarsing!


I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

Each of your four quatrains is individually wonderful and well balanced. Each contains a clever "hidden" and quite enigmatic though ambiguous message. They could all be read in several completely different ways. The three that use mono rhyme are really strong, structurally speaking.

What I feel may need improvement.

It's difficult to say what exactly doesn't work about this poem, but I feel that there is something amiss. My feeling is that there are potentially two problems, though both may be intentional.

First, you use three different narrative perspectives, which makes it difficult for a reader to really engage with the poem and achieve that suspension of disbelief that Coleridge recommended. You begin second person, flip to first for the second quatrain, then third for the other two.

Second, the order of the stanzas feels off, to me. Within each quatrain, you have a perfect flow of thoughts coming to a clear conclusion, like every stanza is a poem by itself. But the flow from stanza to stanza doesn't follow an obvious direction.

I'm a little concerned about the different structure of the second stanza. Usually such a huge departure from the standard would be used to indicate a particular importance to that verse, yet I'm struggling to work out what it is.

The title seems a tad boring for a poem can contains several really cool bits within.

Conclusion.

I love some of the ideas in this poem, especially the treasured mishap any sap can find.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1873271 by Not Available.


Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
114
114
Review of a day in the rain  
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhyssa!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" 

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

i like that u is riting about the Earth an encourigin others to fink more about our planet an all the awesome fings what are in it an that.

i specially like how u is makin ur body like the fings what u r talkin about from nature — hair as river/nothing but water/I am the rain etc.

ur poem as proper cool flow, like the "water cycle" what u is usin in the body of ur poem 4 a central feme fingy, whatever feme means.

i wish i cud rite proper gud like what u can.

What might need work

rite. well, u as this feme fing what starts wiv rain wiv salt in it cos that rain is come from the sea first, yeah? But then u talks about evaporatin an goin up to the clouds. Why not just keep wiv the water cycle an fink about flowin into the stream, then into the river, then into the sea, like what the cycle does in school books, if u evah waisted time in school or college an that. i mean, u as this proper gud summary in the last ?stanza r they called? u says:

I am the rain
and the cloud
and the dew
and the sea
and the woman with bare feet

but fink ow instead u cud have ritten like:

I am the stream
and the river
and the sea
and the cloud
and the rain
and the woman with bare feet

C? is the "water cycle" fingy, yeah?

oh, an, this bit:

a hint of salt it caught on my skin
on its way down my throat.

i fink what u meant to say woz "…caught on my skin / on its way TO my throat." cos, if u fink about it, water can't get salt from ur skin when it's on its way down ur throat, can it? it can only get salt b4 ur throat. an, besides, u can't taste it once it's in ur throat cos it's past ur taste bud fingys, yeah?

on another note, it wud b nice if u cud enter this into "The Earth Day Challenge" , though u wud ave to edit it so it woz less lines cos u av 38 an the limit there is 20. but, u cud join ur lines easy nuff, i fink. wud b nice if u did, i fink.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
115
115
Review of Wake Up!  
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Sweetcheeks!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" 

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

Well, you, obviously. But, aside from you, darling, I also love the awesome flow of your theme here. I love how you begin with conflict, challenging the "authority" of those who dare claim climate change isn't happening. Then you go on to present examples of your proof over a spread of three quatrains before arriving at your concluding stanza, where you issue a challenge to your reader — a classic "call to action".

Almost as awesome as you, gorgeous! *BigSmile*

What might need work

that “climate change is just untrue. - if you're going to present it as direct speech, punctuate it as direct speech, ie. that: “Climate change is just untrue.

In the line "not meekly yield our kid’s birthright" I think you meant kids' birthright.

In the line "The earth needs help, not an f-ing tweet" capitalise the Earth and consider making it an effing tweet so that the use of "an" there is clear.

Thank you for sharing!

Love,

B-B-Bobby *Heart*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
116
116
Review of Acts of Green  
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year, and on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" 

Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

I love that you're highlighting a very specific campaign in which anybody reading your poem may become involved. The acrostic style you use is clear to follow and your theme wonderful. Some of your lines are brilliant, such as "Cut down the trees without a reforestation plan" and "Treated climate change as a mass hallucination". You begin and end with very salient questions thus highlighting what Earth Day is all about.

What might need work

The line "Each individual can create an Act of Green" sounds awkward to me. Consider "can commit"

"Each step we take toward pollutions reduction" - either write "pollution's reduction" with a possessive apostrophe or simply write "pollution reduction".

"Now can have an affect the lives the next generation" - awkward line. Consider: "Now can impact the lives of the next generation" or even more confidently, "Now will impact the next generation's lives."

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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117
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Shaara

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year. Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

The twin theme of nature and bullying in school is really well put across here. Any poem that aims to show kids bullying is wrong and that they shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, and in fact be proud, is awesome by default.

This poem has wonderfully strong structure with cool rhythm and rhyme.

Love the giraffe image!

What might need work

To me, it felt like somehow there was a quatrain missing between the second and current third, and that there should be four quatrains in total. You see, in your theme you have the giraffe in a normal school in the first two stanzas, so all the kids might make fun of him. But then in the third stanza, the giraffe is in a giraffe school with other giraffes. I feel you need a transitional stanza between that says "Hey, but what if giraffes went to special schools — ones where everybody was a giraffe". In that way, your pivotal third quatrain will emphasise the need for kids to treat each other equally, ie. it'll subconsciously suggest that all schools should be schools where everybody is perceived as "equal".

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Decaying Beauty  
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Winnie Kay!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year. Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

The image that welcomes me onto the page is sublime. Really well chosen and positioned.

I've never come across the Villonnet Form before, but I must try it during NaPoWriMo. It appears to be like a mini villanelle crossed with a sonnet, ie. almost a sonnet bar one extra line to change the end couplet into a tercet, and using refrains in the same way as in a villanelle. Very challenging, but you made great use of the refrains, which work in every postion you have them, ie. they never sound out of place.

Reading aloud, the iambic pentametre is perfect, and the d- alliteration and e assonance used in the two refrains is wonderful. You make good use of these devices elsewhere, particularly in the line "as summer shades prepare to fade away" where we see the "a" assonance in four consecutive stressed syllables.

The theme is fantastic, flowing smoothly and coming to a strong resolution in the tercet where the "moral" of the necessity of death to bring in new life is made clear.

What might need work

I'm struggling here to find anything that might be improved upon. *Laugh*

Consider "Grieve not the changing of the ebbing day". This is the only place in the poem where you don't have exactly perfect iambic pentametre, ie. you begin with a spondee. Well, of course, there's nothing at all wrong with that, and I'm only pointing it out because I'm desperate to find something to "improve", and you may well have deliberately chosen to use a spondee to emphsise the imperative command in this sentence. However, if you wanted, you could just as well write "Don't grieve the changing…" and then the stronger stress on "grieve" would give you an iamb. *Whistle*

*Laugh* Honestly, there's nothing I can find that would improve this beautiful poem! *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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119
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen!

I'm offering you this review in celebration of Earth Day, which is marked on the 22nd April every year. Thank you for being aware of our planet and the environment.

What I liked

I love that you've taken the time to run this activity which encourages WDC members not only to think about environmentail issues, but also leads to other WDC members not involved directly in the challenge being encouraged with their writing relating to the environment. That's awesome!

I particularly like the links you provide to other websites that promote green policies. Great idea.

The fact that you offer great prizes and allow a wide range of different levels and types of involvement with the activity is wonderful.

The overall appearance of the forum page is welcoming and attractive.

With the specific review images and review group etc, you've really put a lot of thought into the set up of this contest.

What might need work

This is a really important activity, so I feel it could have been advertised a bit more in advance, in particularly I would have liked to have seen all the preceding newsletters of every kind mentioning Earth Day in their write up and perhaps refering to famous poems etc, eg. Fantasy could have referenced any novels which reflect on the destruction of the Earth by humans, such as The 100, Poetry could have mentioned Robert Frost's Fire and Ice etc. I'm sure that you're friends with many newsletter authors and could have enlisted their support with this.

When I arrived to join up, I felt that the actual start time of the writing/creative element was unclear and felt it necessary to ask for clarification. Maybe make it clearer in the rules. It's not a problem in the "review" section, where the start time and date is clear, but in the "crative" section, where the end time is clear, but not the start time.

The division between "poetry in 20 lines or less OR fiction, article (non-fiction) or prose (1,000 words or less)" is, to me, confusing. As far as I'm aware, any writing that isn't poetry is, by definition, prose, whether it's factual or fictional. Perhaps just state: "poetry in 20 lines or less OR fiction, article (non-fiction) or short story (1,000 words or less)", and similar for instructions on how to post entries to the forum.

When the challenge was first opened, a selection of WINNERS were highlighted in the forum. Casual visitors to the forum may, therefore, have incorrectly believed that the activity had already ended. I recommend that next time you run this activity you make it clear that the winners on display are LAST TIME'S WINNERS.

I hope these suggestions prove useful.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

April 22nd is Earth Day!


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" *LeafG*
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Review of Intuition  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Strong opening hook. Sarah has a magical power plus she's unpopular because of it, making her a wonderful sympathetic character.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Sarah is introduced well and is certainly a sympathetic character. However, we don't have much of an idea what she looks like physically at any stage or her interests and activities beyond work. The teddy bear is a very nice touch, though, and I thought the technical details about her work were fantastic.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star*

This story, especially its resolutioon, seemed rather surreal. To be honest, I don't think I really get it. Plus, it seems strange that you heavily foreshadow her precognition and then don't use it. The "dream" of the second scene feels very different in tone/mechanism to the intuition/precognition of the first scene, really quite unrelated. If you're going to use the precognition, it needs to work in the same way in both scenes, I feel.

However, there are elements which are really good, such as the way she was recruited into the unit through spotting the problem nobody else did. That was really cool.

Now, I can't write this story for you, but I can say what I'd have done at the end there to create a clearer resolution. Use it or ignore it. Since you've established her "intuition", why not have her open the bag and then wake up in her own bed with the teddy in her arms and a passport and airplane tickets on the nightstand beside her waiting for her early morning flight. You wouldn't need to go any further than that. The reader would easily then gain an idea that her precognition was about to save her life. (Don't know why I'm telling you this since I suspect that this resolution will make your stories one of the best in the contest, so you'll win another one! *Sob*)

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Pacing is good and fast.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally clear and easy to follow. Only one note, strangely:

Sarah felt her face burn and Natalie gave her an “I told you so” look. - "felt" is filtering. If you simply state "Sarah's cheeks burned" we'll get it. Note that Jody would tell you that you need a comma before "and" here because you're joining two independent clauses.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The first scene, in the school, isn't well grounded. There's no real scene setting at all. Also, it seems rather abstract in the sense that it is never really tied in to the main timestream. It's presented in the opening paragraph as a "memory of a childhood conversation", but then you never return to a present in which she's having said memory.

The second scene is much clearer, though the very end becomes fuzzy when it's unclear whether this is real or imagined.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The Carrie style "girl sidelined for acting weird" theme of the beginning is pretty cool.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

This story has a solid beginning and centre, but the resolution is a complete fog to me. Usually, your stories have a clear and powerful resolution, so this one didn't work for me. I mean, there's noting wrong with a fluffy, cuddly teddy bear, but it would have been better if the bear had saved her life rather than returning to her in her death, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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121
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Black Widow!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

I loved the flow of your poem and the theme it follows. I especially liked the concluding lines, how they kinda address the reader sideways to remind them that anybody can succumb to problems and slip away from mainstream society. If it were not for the rhyming (which I like because I'm more of a structured poetry kinda guy) I'd say that this reads a little like Silvia Plath.

What I feel may need improvement.

In your brief description, did you mean "dialect" or did you really mean "dialogue" or even "discourse"?

Conclusion.

This is a great poem and worthy of its placing in Sally's contest. You should really enter something into the newbies contest listed below and, given what I've seen in your portfolio, I think you should especially check out:

FORUM
Shadows and Light Poetry Contest  (E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen


Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

"Invalid Item" 

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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122
Review of Way Home !  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Kalai!

What I liked

I saw you in Dew Drop a Day and thought I'd come visit your port.

This poem is fantastic!

I love the theme of your poem. My favourite part is the young daughter's question at the end. I think people need to know a little of history before they can truly understand the incredible depth of meaning that is to be found in her deceptively simple words. You make excellent use of his statue as a metaphor when you show him as a key landmark along the path home. Gandhi truly showed the people of India home, and they then ignored his warnings and pleas and took a different path from the unified paradise he envisioned that today would be the most populous and powerful nation in the world, but instead is divided into many less stable parts. The people should indeed have followed his smile home, instead of turning around and shattering his dreams in the end.

What might need work

Be aware that speech end punctuation belongs inside speech marks, like: "Please show me, Kalai."

The period at the end of your poem isn't necessary. You already have a question mark inside the speech marks.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
123
123
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello von Wahrenberger

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your story.

What I liked.

Great take on the "monster" story. Strong viewpoint narration. I abandonned my usual review template for this one because it's mainly perfect with only a few typos and possible style issues, which I presume are only due to this being an earlier draft rather than something you're ready to publish. Most are very minor, though some definitely need changing, especially the copious number of typos in the second half of your story.

What I feel may need improvement.

There are no big issues, of course. I'm just going to lay out my notes here in case there's anything you'd like to edit.

“Yours is a world that rejects the Sermon on the Mount and - you might like to put titles in italics.

He grabbed her cage and began to shake it violently - later on in the story, you use 'began to' quite frequently, so whenever you don't actually need this 'stall' construction, I'd suggest you don't use it. I mean, when you write 'He grabbed her cage' it's obvious that the action has just begun, so why state it?

“Frankenstein! You’re the monster!” - not an error as such, but a minor style point. By the end of the second paragraph, you've already used six exclamation marks. The nature of what is being said already conveys his manner of speaking, so they are really not all necessary. As I'm sure your editors told you before, the more you use exclamation marks, the less impact they have.

she yelled holding onto the cage bars in fear of her life - you leave it a little late to establish her as the viewpoint narrator, imho. Since the first, long paragraph is entirely the monster's speech and actions, the reader will have assumed he's the viewpoint by now.

pushed the suspended cage away from him, causing it to swing around the basement layer like a pendulum. - the image this placed in my head was of a small cage she's squeezed into. Later, he walks inside the cage and it becomes aparent it's actually much bigger. It's a little confusing at that later point.

. Now no more than a burned out hulk that a pedestrian eye is blind too. - 'to' at the end there.

will retire to my penthouse and sleep for a time. - 'sleep awhile' might work better here

He built a table ergonomically, at waist level to encompass the bookshelf that radiuses the three walls facing the cage door. - this sentence has tense issues with 'built' and 'radiuses'. Read it aloud and you'll hear what I mean.

“For a big thing you move quiet!” she bit and unfolded herself from a fetal position - did you mean 'she snapped and unfolded'? 'bit' sounds a little strange to me

He went to the bookshelf and began to scan the spines, and after he pulled three off the shelf, he walked into the laboratory that inhabited another part of the basement and began to turn on his contraptions - two uses of 'began' in one sentence is a bit much. Consider spliting this long sentence at 'spines, and after' and beginning the new sentence simply, 'After he pulled' because otherwise you have two uses of 'and' as a conjunction and an awkward sounding sentence overall.

She tried to lunge at him as he opened the cage door and deposited the sustenance - cause before effect to keep narrative chronological, ie. As he opened the cage door, she lunged at him. - 'tried to' is another 'stall' construction which adds little to meaning.

“A century of practice my pet,” - comma before 'my pet'

He motioned to the tabletop that had the heavy large caliber revolver it - missing word at the end. 'revolver upon it'?

charms my intent; it’s you hands that allure my gentle attentions.” - 'your hands' - semi colons are a bit unnatural in speech, which is usually more 'bitty'.

“Correct again my pet. - again, comma before 'my pet'

“According to my friends that are well versed in the passing science of psychology - up until now, the monster's voice has been educated in tone. The use of 'that' as a pronoun rather than 'who' is not incorrect, but odd from someone who speaks like him.

He got up from the makeshift stool,- 'rose' would be a stronger verb choice

Her heart sank as she watched him leave she needed those tools - new sentence at 'she needed'

Then silences, followed b - 'silences' or singular 'silence'?

"My names Jill, not pet,” - name's, a contraction of 'name is'

as she examined the destroy weapon - destroyed/obliterated - just a tense issue

Personally pet I think the King James Version is one of the most beautiful English translations - offset 'pet' with commas.

In your paradigm is correctness and splendor an equivalency? - 'paradigm are correctness'

It would be a shame to have such pretty hands wasted on such and empty head.” - 'such an empty'

Again, she spastically hid her hands under her armpits. - I'm not sure about the US, but the adjective you used there is considered highly offensive over here.

“Time for your walk pet,” he laughed. - comma before 'pet'. He laughed is a separate sentence, ie. pet." He laughed

At least there I had a bed and nobody watched me piss on a wall!” - hmm. Her anatomy must be quite unique. *Laugh*

“There’s never an end to protecting the world from evil!” - consider: There's no (statute of) limitation on protecting (optional bit)

she lunged at the cage and began shaking the bars. - she does this rather a lot, and it becomes tedious. Can't she do anything else, any other action? Must she 'begin' every time she does it?

, you are your brothers keeper.” - brother's - possessive apostrophe

YOU MIGHT LIKE TO CONSIDER POSTING SMALLER SECTIONS OF YOUR STORY. AT THIS POINT I BECAME TIRED OF POINTING OUT MINOR ERRORS.

Oh Lord forgiver her, she knowest not what she does!” - if he's that educated and knows the KJV, he'll be able to correctly inflect verbs in Early Modern English, ie. "Oh Lord, forgivest her, for she knoweth not what she doth."

Why do you sleep? You shouldn’t have too!” - 'shouldn't have to.'

He wasn’t the animal stupid automaton - animalistic automaton

This cacophony went on for an hour. - cacophony is a rare word, so when you use it more than once it stands out. You've already used it earlier.

The pod containers was delivered to a construction site in Uniontown, - container, singular? otherwise 'were'

The only time she saw he captor is when he came to feed her - 'saw her captor was when'

the only answer is it was ‘it’s a surprise’. - 'only answer he gave was, "It's a surprise."

The ancient hospital is remote, - from this point onward you appear to have major tense issues, swapping from perfect to present for no obvious reason.

pull a couch across the floor and position it by the shallow end of the pull - 'of the pool'

As far as the quality of it that depends on one’s view point.” - viewpoint, compound noun.

my victory without fan fare - fanfare, compound noun.

, he knew them, she didn’t want to lie, he see through that - 'he would see through' or 'he'd see through'

Where ever here is?” - 'wherever'

No why did you become an assassin?” - Now, why

I just would hate myself leaving you here all dressed up and now place to go. - 'and no place'

Her shoe’s made a clip-clop noise that echoed mildly in the emptiness. - shoes, no apostrophe

The notion that she might be able to take him out with a Kung Fu strategy crossed here mind - 'crossed her mind'

Conclusion.

I like where you take us and how you get there, but you really do have too many typos, especially in the second half of the story.


Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1873271 by Not Available.


Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Sirens.  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, inkwell

What I liked

I do like the structure, flow and near rhymes you use. I love mythological themes in general, so this is great. As I was reading through, some of the imagery did make me smile (though I suppose it should really make me shudder - probably says more about me than you! *Laugh*)

In the next section of this review, I'm going to rip your poem apart and be rather ruthless. Please, don't take that to heart. I do actually like this poem, but I want YOU to beccome a better poet. In order to achieve that, I'm going to be rather critical. Don't get upset.

What might need work

Firstly, there are a few small errors.

Its all an act, - It's, a contraction of "It is"

Thats when the Siren, - That's, a contraction of "That is"

So heed my warning.
When you hear.
The Sirens song,
should fill you with fear.

If you read this section, there's something missing in the middle, ie. gramatically speaking there should be a objective pronoun there, like "that" or "it", eg. "hear it" or "hear that", if you catch my drift. I'm not saying that you should phrase it like that, only that it reads odd as it is at the moment.

Also, note that with enjambement you shouldn't use a comma because you're placing a comma where you wouldn't normally have one in a prose sentence. Endstopping is a natural thing in poetry and doesn't need a comma to achieve stronger effect. What I mean is, "The Sirens song should fill you with fear" is a single clause, so NO comma in the middle.


Secondly, poets from Coleridge in his Biographia Literaria to Stephen King in his On Writing - a memoir of the craft have expressed the opinon that each word should have a real purpose, and ideally fulfil the role of an onion skin, ie. have multiple, sometimes ambiguous meanings.

When I read phrases like "Sirens of the sea", I'm firstly thinking, "Oh, there's a nice bit of alliteration," but then I'm secondly thinking, "What's the point of saying that?" I mean, sirens clearly have an association with the sea, so I don't feel that you're telling me anything I didn't already know when I read the word "siren" and so the three words "of the sea" are sadly redundant, ie. they have no real value to the poem.

Coleridge identified two checks on a word:
1) if it's removed or replaced, will the meaning of the line change?
2) if it's removed or replaced, will the line sound less beautiful?

"of the sea" passes the 2) because it provides nice alliteration and balance, where you have two unstressed syllables and a stressed followed by three unstressed syllable and a stressed. However, it really does fail on 1).

Reading through your poem, I'm afraid I get a couple more "so what" moments, ie. points in the poem where the fact you present is so self evident that I wonder why you'd write it. For example:

"they lie through their teeth." - you've just said "deceptive" so you're simply repeating the fact with more words, though sometimes that's necessary for balance.

"so they can win." - it's not really specified what they want to win with this line, so it's kinda abstract, and appears to be there for balance and rhyme rather than adding any extra meaning to the poem.


Thirdly, since you're using rhyme mainly in a ABCB pattern (with some exceptions), this really cries out for common metre, imho. I mean, there's nothing wrong with free verse, but if you're going to go as far as using mainly quatrains with ABCB, you may as well go the whole hog. Your choice, of course.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_metre

If you used common metre (well, technically "ballad metre" like Coleridge used in The Ancient Mariner etc) the opening quatrain would be something like:

So beautiful yet treacherous
they lie as soon as breathe.
The evil that I speak of, sir,
will only kiss with teeth.


Fourthly, when I read something mythological like this, I'm thinking imediately of the Romantic Poets, and so really, really, really I want some deeper, hidden metaphor that the reader can tease out. I'd like to see some hints in here in passing that you're REALY talking, for example, about how badly some men treat women, or maybe the effect of drugs on people turning them into monsters. Anything, really, but just a theme, something beyond the obvious so that the reader sees "layers" in your poem. You see, what I get at the moment is an entirely "literal" feeling when I read this rather than a deeper "Oh, did she mean this or did she mean that" that I'd get from reading, say, one of Carol Ann Duffy's sonnets. Reading through it a third time, my feeling is that you could make this sound like it's about prostitution, either male or female, OR about drug dealers, selling you "sweet" drugs but then dragging you down. THINK about potential themes and then THINK again about word choices and how you can then hint at double meanings and depth to your verse.

And, finally…

Given the topic, you could really have been an awful lot more gruesome. This was like a PG version of the siren's story, with no gore or bits of intestines floating in the water etc. A bit more blood and guts, I'd suggest. *Wink*


Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "Dew Drop Inn"  so you can do NaPoWriMo with a supportive group next month! *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

Simply Positive Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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125
Review of I was a mouse.  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Z-cat!

I'm here to review your short story "I was a mouse. "  as an official judge for "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?
*Star**Star**Star*

Your protagonist and setting were both clearly introduced in the opening. However, there was no real initial conflict or hook because nothing in the opening paragraph is really news to the reader.

Characters — do they feel like real people?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Though you've chosen an interesting path to tread with this story, I didn't feel convinced by the characters.

my first sensation of life was that of my brothers and sisters squirming around me. - I'm no expert on mice, I'll be the first to admit, but wouldn't SMELL be a key initial sense? They never go anywhere without sniffing the air.

I did not notice the cat creeping up on me - a fox might work better for the section that follows this because cats today are associated with domestication rather than living in dens.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I like how this story came full circle. However, to be honest, it was more like a philosophical poem than an actual story. I mean, there was no conflict as such other than the passage of time and actions of nature.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pace of your story was fine, but it didn't really engage me.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your language was generally clear and easy to follow. Here are a few notes:

along with 9 brothers and sisters. - in narrative, present small numbers in words not numerals. Reserve numerals for names like R2D2, telephone numbers, serial numbers and really large numbers.

and for the first time, I could see the world around me. - be a little more succinct, active and confident with narrative, eg. and for the first time I saw the surrounding world.

It was a dull little world, small, but warm, with not much sunlight filtering through the entrance to the burrow. - try to get more into the viewpoint of a really tiny creature like a newborn mouse. To a pinky, the world, even inside a burrow, might appear vast, alien and interesting. Everywhere is interesting when you see, smell and feel it for the first time. It's only overexposure that makes places "dull". Newborns and young of any animal are naturally curious and adventurous, not bored, lol.

and my joints began to get stiff. - beware "began to" and "started to" because they are stall words, ie. they add little to meaning. Consider: and my joints stiffened

The river overflowed its banks, and covered the land with brackish water. - are you suggesting this is a river mouth, on the edge of the sea? Brackish means slightly salty water, not the purer river water found upriver where I feel your story is set. I mean, water could hardly cause a landslide down into a meadow if it were in an estuary.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

There was some nice sensory information later on, but elements of the setting seemed a bit off, such as the first sensations of the baby mouse or the brackish water upriver.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The circle of life is always an interesting theme. However, it's also a well trodden path, so lacks originality.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The circle of life is a nice theme, but this didn't really feel like a story to me. It felt like a nice poem. What was lacking was a clear protagonist and conflict.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

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Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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