*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robertbaker/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- ... Next
226
226
Review of 10 Days of Spring  
for entry "Visions of Cobalt" 
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Asha Moonfall - Plotting Book! !

I enjoy a good fantasy yarn, so let's see what you've written. :)

What I liked

I like how you've timed her 'graduation' to spring, linking the season of growth to her coming maturity. The ominous, hidden meaning of the eye dream is a nice hook. I'm wondering what these 'Anastri' are — senior priests or a different race or species. There are lots of interesting setting elements to this introductory scene.

What might need work

There's a lot of aliteration in this narrative, so much that I wondered if it was deliberate. Personally, I don't mind a bit of poetic narrative. Done well, it's very entertaining. However, be aware of the 'clear window/stained glass window' principle. If you want to engage your readers in the story, it's necessary to use 'clear glass' prose that allows them to see through your words to the story beyond. However, it's fine to produce poetic narrative if that's what you're aiming for, but be aware that beautiful stained glass obscures the landscape behind it, and purple prose distracts the reader from the story.

In the opening, I thought there were two people involved because of the way the girl is introduced. It sounds as though a girl is attempting to wake up the sleeper, rather than a girl talking to herself. It took me a few sentences to realise there was just one person.


My overall feeling was that you're a writer very talented at taking metaphors and working them into your narrative, but that you must beware making the narrative all about the metaphor and forgetting to tell a story, if you catch my drift.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

Simply Positive Reviewers signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhychus !

Another poem! (You really need to write some more short stories… perhaps even a novella! ;) )

What I liked

I love the refrain in this, the oxymoronic Oh Spring! In the winter of life,
It's just such a great contrast between the season of joy, growth and new life with the season of death, decay and endings, which of course is perfect for this bitter sweet poem which talks about the beauty of nature in spring but at the same time the sadness of life after one's soul mate has past. It's such a perfect line you've written that I can largely ignore the rest of the poem. This line does all the work!

I also love the cascading nature of the structure, where the refrain drops one line in each of the four stanzas. It's very effective, making the opening line also the closing line and emphasising it very well.


What might need work

I wasn't sold on the line Bittersweet, each angelic day,. I get what you mean by 'angelic' and it's a nice contrast to 'bittersweet', but i can't see how days can be angelic. Perhaps 'colorful day'?

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

Simply Positive Reviewers signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of Trick or treat  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhychus !

What fun! A trick or treat… a treat I hope. I'll tell you after I've read it! ;)

What I liked

I enjoyed the theme of this poem, and the end twist especially. The rhythme and rhyme was also great. I like that you made this poem a great story rather than just verse. Great stuff!

What might need work

An All Hollow’s Eve army… -> did you mean All Hallows' Eve?

Would frightened little children who would run into the night -> Would frighten little…

He has two new soul’s for company at his domicile in hell. -> He has two new souls for company at his domicile in Hell.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

Simply Positive Reviewers signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
Review of The curse  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, JMcCulloch

Interesting opening. :)

What I liked

I liked that your protagonist is a sympathetic character we can engage with from the beginning, and that the supernatural element and main conflict are clear from the very beginning. Your opening chapter was an enjoyable read.

What might need work

You say this is a rough draft, so I won't list the typos, but they are numerous.

Consider being clearer what genre this is in your classifications - dark and fiction don't exactly scream fantasy or ghost story.

Perhaps name and provide a gender for the protagonist earlier. I got through half the chapter still thinking she was a man. ;)

Also, maybe explain what kind of store it is in your initial setting. An occult shop would provide a much more interesting initial hook than someone walking into a shop and annoying a lazy sounding girl.

It's always a good idea to work some kind of strong hook into the opening paragraph. You have lots of great hooks later, like the murdered girl or her ghost seeing abilities, but hardly anything in the first half of the chapter.

I didn't find it plausible that she didn't recognise the girl at first. I mean, even though they stopped being friends, it sounds as though they were in the same schools, so she would have seen her around, and indeed there's a strong hint that she knows who she's married to.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

Simply Positive Reviewers signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review of Too Long  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Peaches !

Your short story started really, really well. It was clear from the offset that something terrible was happening, and you set the scene well. The action began well, too. The pinch moment, when she had to pull you over the water pipe, was great.

However, you lost points on the ending because this reader cannot understand why, if the fire was on this side of the pipe and not the other, and was moving swiftly, how you actually survived and she didn't.

Also, the main thing that's missing is dialogue. If you want your protagonist to be truly sympathetic, it's best to give them a name. It's difficult to care what happens to a character if you don't know their name. So, in the beginning, some basic dialogue between Sarah and the protagonist would have allowed you to name him.

For example,

"Steve, the car," shouted Sarah.
I turned and saw my trusty old Mustang burst into flames. "Run, Sarah!"
"But—"
"Forget it. I can replace anything except you."

Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BlueMoon

There are a lot of interesting things going on in your story, and Riley is quite a sympathetic character.

Personally, I cannot imagine waiting outside a door fifteen minutes to see if it would be opened or not, lol.

The ending was a tad abrupt and unsatisfactory. It seemed to lack any form of resolution. I'd like to know where this search led. Or, is this only the first part of a longer story?

A few notes:

The only inclination was in the letter she mysteriously received -> Did you mean 'indication'?

Not seeing who let in, -> missing word, who let her in

I suspect it may just be the two of us my dear -> comma before person addressed, ie. …the two of us, my dear.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review of I Cried For You  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Rhychus !

My initial feeling about this poem is there are some great metaphors that are utilised very effectively to show the intense emotions you wish to express. There's great strength to the emotions, and the reader really gets a feeling for your pain. The flow of the poem is great because it follows logically from the split (forgive me, but I'm presuming the loss of a loved one here) to the feelings this split generated in the protagonist, to the eventual effect of the event on the future wellfare of the protagonist.

But, part of my job is to point out where I feel improvements can be made.

First, I note a change of tense from the fourth to the fifth line, from past tense to present. This tense change is confusing because the fifth line implies that the 'watering' still continues. Perhaps, 'I depended upon you…' in past tense.

Personally, and this may only be me, I felt the range of metaphors used in the poem were too wide. All were good, but they went from one end of the spectrum to another. I feel it might be stronger if you kept within a narrower range of images.

For example, the opening analogy of an amputation was fantastic, but then in line five the whole theme changes to one of plants being watered. Why not retain the original idea and find something there that relates closer to the idea of amputation.

Say, an image of blood pumping through that limb and nourishing it, but now the limb is deprived of that nutrition (love/caring) and so now shrivels for lack of that union, followed by the idea that the limb has no purpose without the body to direct it or without its function to provide food/comfort/love whatever to the body from which is was amputated.

Obviously, following those thoughts, you'd have a very different poem. However, it's just what came to my mind as I read.

Thanks again for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
233
233
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Zeke!

I love the wholeness of this poem, if you follow the direction of my thoughts. I mean, you begin with the sunrise and end with the sunset, so it's clear that your wife is the Alpha and Omega of your life, which you spell out quite clearly in the line 'You are my life.' There's no ambiguity in this poem; it's clear what you mean, and every technique employed in writing it points to how you worship your wife in thoughts and deeds.

I hesitate to suggest any changes because there's a beauty in this simplicity of this piece. I mean, you might consider a little more variation in sentence construction and vocabulary, since the same words and phrasese are repeated througout, but the repeated phrases add to the strength of the structure, so it's swings and roundabouts as to whether more complex and exact wording would actually improve this or not.

Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Lawrence :)

Lots of interesting things are happening in your short story. The twist at what will be the midpoint — the end of this excerpt — is wonderful. I'll have to come back tomorrow and see what happens next.

A few notes I made while reading:


“You said we shouldn’t be running inside the house. -> we shouldn't run inside - sounds more natural

“Not now sweetie.” -> comma before name or title of person addressed in dialogue, ie. "Not now, sweetie."

“No honey I didn’t. James do you...?” -> "No, honey, I didn't. James, do you—?" -> when speech trails off, and ellipsis is used by pressing 'alt' on the keyboard and simultaneoulsy 0133 to give … However, if speech is interrupted by another, then an emdash is better, 'alt' 0151 giving —

“Love you too.” Ashley says COMMA unenthusiastically to no one. -> a comma, not a period, should separate the dialogue from its tag/beat, if that tag describes the speaking of the dialogue. If the tag is a separate action from the speech, then a period is used.

he will just have to remember it at lunch like he know he will. -> like he knows he will

“That’s great sir! -> great, sir - you use a lot of exclamation marks. They're usually only used to imply the person shouted. I don't think your character shouts that much.

The receptionist is a short Asian young man who does not -> I feel you may need to revise comma use. Here, you use multiple adjectives to qualify one noun. A comma should be used to separate the adjectives from one another, similar to how a comma is used to separate things in a list, like this is Rita, Sue, Debby and Kate. -> The receptionist is a short, Asian, young man, who does not

Sorry, I can’t doing anything about that.” -> is this his accent or an error?

“James Barber?” She greets with a smile. -> she greets HIM with


Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
235
235
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Dave!

What a wonderful idea. I love making a fool of myself attempting new poetry forms, and I'll certainly join this group.(If I pass your entrance survey) :)

A few thoughts on your text.

We have a Poetry Professor that creates discussions -> who creates discussions, if the prof is a person. 'that' is acceptable as a pronoun, but most people would prefer 'who' here, and to be honest, to me it reads awkward as 'that'.

This is just a short list, there's a lot more that are yet to be discovered. -> this is very ambiguous, and also not particularly succinct writing. -> This is a short list; you'll discover lots more when you get involved/participate/if you become active/there's lots more to discover.

Reviews of your poems -> your poems reviewed - snappier

Practice reviewing other people's poems -> Guidance reviewing poetry - snappier, plus anybody can practice reviewing poetry, but the added offer of guidance should attract

Getting the opportunity to read your colleague's poetry -> colleagues' !! -> consider, Opportunities to read your peers' poetry.

It'll take you to a simple survey that will allow you entrance into the group. -> It'll whisk you to a simple survey that will qualify your admission into the group


As I said above, this group is a fantastic idea. Thanks for forming it.

Cheers,

Bob :D
236
236
Review of Green  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Rhychus. :D

What a fantastic and funny short story. I love the twist and your punchline.

A few thoughts.

In the opening paragraph, did you mean artic or Arctic?
'birds' is quite abstract. How about a specific name to better identify the area and time of day. Not owls, perhaps blue jays? What's common where this is set in February?
She ran in that clumsy COMMA girlish way COMMA with her arms tucked in and her shoulders swinging, but all I saw was the way she smiled, her hair flowing in the wind. - brilliant paragraph. Really beautiful! :D
I noticed no smell but I could only imagine the disease living in this muck. - Not a good idea, no smell. Have it really stink and describe that smell with a eye-grabbing simile of your choice (it stank worse than my older brother's football socks after a big game/the stench was like my baby sister's poopy diapers.) Using sensory information like this better engagest the reader, and will increase the reader's sympathy when the next event occurs. :)
In dialogue, use 'natural' choppy sentences like a kid might, eg. 'You crazy? Why'd you do that?'
in a sick COMMA cold-blooded way.
I was covered with putrid green slime - if there's no smell, it ain't putrid.
Keep to the same tense throughout. Your final, concluding line slips into present tense.

Thanks for sharing,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
237
237
Review of Her First Time  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic, Zeke. Very funny.

I guess you have a word count restriction, so you may not be able to add anything, but it struck me that the dentist might say 'there may be a little blood' at some point in the beginning, which would continue your misdirection, and also that you could add some sensory information, such as the dentist coming so close to her mouth that she could smell his peppermint/mint breath or something like that, to add to the feeling of closeness.

I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing.

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
238
238
Review of "UNGH!"  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Angus.

Wow, what a wonderful short story. Love the resolution. :)

On the negative side, I had two thoughts.

“Mmm, mmm. This is one fine meal, Jill. Thank you for having us. Tracy? Aren’t you going to thank Jill?” — this line really confused me. He's addressing Jill and then says 'thank you for having us', but it isn't Jill's house and she hasn't 'had them'. Then he asks Tracy if she's going to thank Jill. Why? Jill only helped with the food; Tracy was the hostess and did almost all the work.

The whole homecoming dance problem kinda came out of the blue. Up until then the whole problem had revolved around the accident.

Having said that, this was a wonderfully written story and, except for that one paragraph, very engaging and easy to follow.

Cheers,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
239
239
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Rhychus.

Loved this! I adore stories about time travel, and this was a pleasure to read.

Actually, I'm working on a manuscript at the moment with a pretty similar premise… to some extent. Except that my hero is an elderly history teacher, and he travels a lot further back in time to save the world.

Now, your story works to some extent because you have a great premise, and the ending is cool. Not many people can claim to have saved the world by dumping a hot red-head in a giant bowl of punch. That's gotta be unique! :D

Also, Mike is an interesting character, a lottery winner and all.

However, let's talk about what maybe needs some work.

Firstly, there's a concept that the protagonist of a story is a 'sympathetic character'. Now, that doesn't mean we have to feel sorry for him, it just means that there must be something about his character that makes us like him and, most importantly, care what happens to him. That's part of what makes a reader turn the pages.

Mike isn't really a sympathetic character. He's rich, but didn't work for it. Yes, he wants to 'help' the world with his money, but the money actually seems very irrelevant to the actual story, and we don't see much of him helping people.

A simple way to make a charcter sympathetic quickly is the 'kick the puppy/pat the puppy' technique, where to make a guy the good guy, have him do something nice straight off. For example, Mike could tip a doorman, or help a frail old lady through the doorway, help someone in a wheelchair over a bump in the carpet. Any tiny good deed will establish that Mike is a nice guy we should care about.

The second major issue is in the plot. First, why Mike? Second, why the Senator?

Why Mike? If the mystery guy has the power to travel through time, why wouldn't he do the deed himself? The guy could dunk the babe and save the future without Mike. However, if you SHOW why only Mike can do it, you'll be okay. For example, Mike presumably has clearance, and it's an event guarded by, say, the FBI or something.

Why the Senator? Yes, Mike is going to save the world, but the obvious question now is how. Somehow you've got to hint at why this Senator MUST win the elections. For example, in the inital talk between Mike and his buddy, you could have something like "Jeez, now the government will push through that funding for the new, bigger nuclear programme instead of investing in healthcare." Obviously, that's a rough statement, but I think you can get where I'm coming from. If the Senator is standing for some huge, important issue in the election, and that issue is clearly linked to world survival, then the time travel will become easier to understand.

Hope these random thoughts help.

Thanks for sharing!

Bob :D








RainbowL}A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !*RainbowR*{/center}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
240
240
Review of Blue  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful and very funny poem. I love the image you paint in my mind of this mischievous pup.

However, it isn't actually a Limerick. Google the structure of the Limerick and you'll see it has a different metrical structure and rhyming scheme.

It's not my place to re-write your poem, and it reads great anyway, but in Limerick form it would be something more like:

There once was a dog named Blue,
Who thought about eating your shoe.
She wanted to play,
But got in the way,
You'll have to buy footwear anew.

Unfortunately, my hastily thrown together attempt lacks the humour and beauty of your poem. It's only there to help illustrate the traditional structure. If you stopped describing your poem as a Limericj, then it would be fine.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes,

Bob :)





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
241
241
Rated: E | (5.0)
This short poem has a fantastic and inspiring conclusion. Love it!

If you have the chance, I'd revise your punctuation a little. You use periods at the end of many lines where the following line appears to be a continuation of the same sentence, so either a comma or no punctuation would work better.

For the first four stanzas, I personally think the wording 'If only you were perfect' would work better. The wording in the concluding stanza is perfect! :)

Consdier Empress rather than Queen, because she'd be the monarch of all countries, not just one.

Having said all the above, I love the sound of this poem just as it is.

Thank you for sharing!

Cheers,

Bob :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
242
242
Review of Stinky  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful, short relationship poem. I enjoyed reading this.

I like how you've adopted a rigid structure and kept to it, and your lack of fear of using images that may disturb some, such as the b*** at the end of the third stanza. I love your voice in this poem. There's something in the tone of it that reminds me of the song Johnny Cash sang, 'A Boy Named Sue.'

A few thoughts.

In the final quatrain, did you mean 'hollow' — as in his ashes were so heavy they caused a dip in the ground, or 'hallow' as in his corpse made the ground more sacred/holy?

Period missing from end of final quatrain.

For the first five stanzas, you used the scheme aabc. When you went aaac in the final quatrain, it threw me a little.

'loud sound of muffled rock and roll' is a bit contradictory, though 'muffled sound of loud rock n roll' would work.

'So enormous I decided to give no s*** to Stinky' - comma after 'enormous', but also it was unclear who was enormous. I'm guessing Stinky from context, but the last person mentioned was the girlfriend.

If Heaven is used as a placename, capitalise it.

As I said, this is a great poem. Hope my opinions don't offend.

Best wishes,

Bob :)
242 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robertbaker/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10